"This Show Sucks"

                              A "Daria" Essay
                              by C.E. Forman
                        (ceforman@worldnet.att.net)

                               July 26, 1997


This essay, written way back at the end of Season One, started out as a
minor protest letter intended to be sent off to MTV.  For some reason I
put it aside and promptly forgot about it for three years, though the
topics explored in it have continued to percolate on the back burner of
my mind.  I feel it's become particularly topical now, so I thought I'd
stir in the sugar and cream of my recent writing experiences and present
my brew for the benefit of your own intellectual taste buds.

About two and a half years ago, I had the privilege of attending a
focus-group screening of a black-and-white animated television pilot
titled "Sealed with a Kick".  The story involved a teenage girl, Daria,
playing typical adolescent mind games with high-school football jock
Kevin, until he finally dumped her in favor of Daria's attractive and
more popular sister Quinn.  I immediately fell in love with it, managed
to snag a tape from an inside source at MTV, and proceeded to watch it
over and over.

Upon receiving word that this little short would indeed be developed
into a regular animated series, I was ecstatic.  I watched the first
previews air on Superbowl Sunday... I tuned in on premiere day... and
I sat through an entire 13-episode season of this abomination, utterly
dismayed by what I saw.

Instead of the realistic teenage girl I'd come to know and love, Daria
was now more of a wisecrack-spewing, misanthropic adult in a teenager's
body.  Kevin had been changed from a somewhat daft but still vulnerable
and confused young man into a complete moron.  And Quinn had become a
whiny little prude.  This wasn't Daria at *all*!  This was COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT from what was shown in the pilot!

Let us pause for a moment to clarify exactly what is meant by "pilot".
Webster's Oxford English Random House New World Unabridged College
Dictionary defines a pilot as "a person qualified to operate an airplane,
balloon, or other aerial craft."  It further goes on to say that a pilot
is "a filmed or taped TV program serving to introduce a possible new
series."

This definition is of course correct, but let me clarify it a bit further
by twisting it slightly so it agrees with my argument better: The purpose
of a pilot is to give television executives an example of what a show
WOULD BE LIKE if it were to be made.  By making a show *different* from
its pilot, you are lying to the executives and to the focus-group viewers
on whom the pilot was tested.  You are no longer giving a clear picture
of the series, and any target-market research you may have conducted is
now rendered invalid.  Let me spell it out: The pilot came first, it
establishes the foundation of the show, and that makes it equivalent to
the Bible as far as future episodes are concerned.  Any major deviation
from these boundaries should be construed as a crime against humanity
and under universal law be punishable by slow, painful, AGONIZING,
*TORTUROUS* **DEATH**!!!!!

[Pause to wipe froth from corner of mouth.]

So.  Keeping this in mind, let's go through the first season of "Daria"
episode by episode and listen to me bitch about why just about everything
sucks.  (I say "just about everything" because there are a few redeeming
qualities, but they are so insignificant as to have no impact whatsoever
on the overall show.  Granted, it would be faster to simply list what's
*right* with the show, but then this essay would be a lot shorter and
people might actually read it all the way to the end.)

1) "Esteemsters"
Absolutely, unequivocally, the *worst* possible way to begin the series.
What a first impression!  Not only is the continuity blown from the
get-go (Daria's family were already established residents of their town
in the pilot), so are the characters.  Quinn flirts with guys but seems
to have lost the guts to *do* anything with them, and Daria was more
bland than I ever thought possible -- what happened to all that saucy
energy we saw in "Sealed"?  She never smiles like she did before, her
constant monotone made me wish I was deaf...  And on top of that, the
whole new-kid-in-school / self-esteem-class story was *so* depressing it
made me wanna kill myself. I'm astounded MTV didn't cancel this on the
spot.  (Then again, all those depressed teenagers out there probably
liked it.)

2) "The Invitation"
A little better, but not by much.  We got to see a little more of Daria's
mischievous side, but... WHERE WERE THE KEVIN/DARIA SCENES?!  Think about
it... Kevin's *girlfriend* invites Daria to her party, we know from
"Sealed" how Kevin and Daria like to play head-games with each other,
but we never even *see* them together!  (I'll talk more about this
later.)  A wasted opportunity to turn the show back around after the
disastrous premiere.

3) "College Bored"
Okay, they're getting better story-wise, but still *way* off on the
characterization.  Daria scamming the college girls was good, but the
writers are *really* overplaying her intelligent side.  Quinn's at a frat
party, and she doesn't even do it with any of the guys?!  Come *on*!!
(I'll go into this later.)  She leapt at the chance to try out Kevin's
back seat in the pilot!  Daria's parents are amusing in small doses but
here we're subjected to *far* too much of them.

4) "Cafe Disaffecto"
Wretched.  Easily one of the three worst episodes.  Lots of long, boring
scenes of people talking about nothing interesting in the least: Long,
boring classroom scenes (all the teachers are complete stereotypes, BTW).
Long, boring selling-stuff scenes.  A long, boring Quinn-flirting-with-a-
guy scene.  I vividly recall having to sell crap as a kid, so the whole
thing totally depressed me.  In the third act Daria reads an interminably
dull story that... somehow... starts a *riot*?!  And this is supposed to
be a typical teenage girl?  What the *hell*?!

"Malled"
Again a pretty decent plot, the sort of thing that would really happen
in a teenager's life, but the characters still suck, with the exception
of Quinn and her friends, who were handled pretty well this time around.
Daria completely misses an opportunity to play around with Kevin on the
bus, letting him go at it with Brittany instead.  (I'll bring up more on
this later.)  Daria getting the best of Quinn was a highlight, but the
rest of the mall scenes were pretty lifeless.

"This Year's Model"
Another episode with way too much talking and not enough stuff happening.
(The episodes by the Glenn Eichler guy seem particularly akin to this.)
Managed to bring some development to Quinn, but Daria's personality
continues to stagnate.  This one becomes downright incomprehensible
toward the end, until the whole thing falls apart, with the majority
of plot threads left unresolved.

"The Lab Brat"
The only decent episode to date.  *Finally*, they bring out the whole
Kevin/Daria/Quinn triangle, this time injecting Brittany into it, with
some great results.  While Daria/Kevin scenes are underplayed somewhat,
there are lots of great moments between the other characters: To get back
at Brittany, Daria momentarily allies with Quinn, showing Kevin the cake
Quinn made to get Brittany jealous.  Quinn tries (unsuccessfully this
time) to seduce Kevin.  The whole misunderstanding with the bear.  Daria
seeming to express a *genuine* desire for Kevin at the end.  It all leads
to a nice "tangled relationships" feel.  Peggy Nicoll definitely looks to
be the most promising writer for the series.

"Pinch Sitter"
Blah episode.  Good typical teenager plot (babysitting) but the kids were
annoying and completely unlike actual kids.  Quinn using guys was better,
but where's the backseat-hopping side of her we saw in "Sealed"?  Again
they sacrifice established characterization for no apparent reason.  (I'll
get to this shortly.)  On the plus side, Daria actually shows a smidgen
of emotion when asking Jane to bring her junk food... her first indication
that she is in fact human.

"Too Cute"
A lot of promise here, with plastic surgery being a relevant teen issue
today, but ruined by Quinn's gushing to Daria at the end and Kevin in a
stupid subplot.

"The Big House"
Hmm, not too bad.  It dragged a bit, like most of these, but I can't find
a whole lot of specifics to complain about.

"Road Worrier"
WARNING!  WARNING!  DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!  ESTABLISHED PILOT EPISODE MODEL
COMPROMISED!  HATE-SPEWING DISGRUNTLED VIEWER RANT INEVITABLE!!
Okay.  I want to know one thing: What the *hell* has happened to the
wonderful Daria/Kevin relationship games I loved so much?  Did the writers
think they could just *drop* him like *that*, move him into the background,
replace him with this "Trent" character, and no one would even *notice*?!
Everything is mishandled from scene *one*, as Daria goes all timid and
shy.  The outgoing Daria I came to love would *never* act this way!
*That* Daria would have played around with the guy, tried to get him to
admit feelings for her, talked about *something*!  But noooo.  Instead
she bitches to Jane about every little thing that goes wrong, to cover
up the fact that she's a spineless loser.  To top it off, Trent is the
dullest, lamest male character *ever*!  The writers must think I'm an
idiot if they believe I'd be convinced Daria would have *any* sort of
attraction to this guy!  The scene of Daria and Trent sitting on the
roadside "getting to know each other better" was so completely *botched*,
it serves to further underline every infinitesimal detail of how the
producers have completely ruined the show.  Watch an episode of "Time
of Your Life" with Jennifer Love-Hewitt if you want to see how this type
of "getting closer to a guy" scene *should* be done!  If I were grading
this episode, I would give it an "F-minus-minus-minus-minus-MINUS!!!!"
I'm... putting... three... dots... between... every... word... AND...
CAPITALIZING... SOME... TO... EMPHASIZE... MY... POINT!!!!!

[Pause to wipe froth from corner of mouth.]

"The Teachings of Don Jake"
Daria and Quinn are stuck in the woods with their parents, while Jane and
Trent are forced to spend the week with their estranged family.  Either of
these situations would totally suck in real life, and they totally suck
here too.  (Plus no Kevin at all!)

"The Misery Chick"
Just when I thought it couldn't *possibly* get any lamer, duller, or more
depressing, they shove *this* piece of rubbish in my face.  A guy dies,
and Daria spews words of wisdom to make people feel better even though
she hated the guy herself.  Then she talks to Jane and they supposedly
come to some "deep" understanding after a two-minute conversation...
gimme a freakin' *break*!  And what do we *learn* from these twenty-one
minutes?  Well, we learn it's okay to insult people while they're alive,
as long as you don't say anything unkind about them after they're dead,
because then you might look like a jerk.  We learn it's not good to have
"bad" feelings, so we should just "find some other way to feel", or maybe
just not give a damn at all like Daria seems to be doing.  I must say, I
was thoroughly *disgusted* by the "values" portrayed in this episode.
I think I would have preferred to see Daria get pregnant and have an
abortion (it may be a tasteless topic for a cartoon, but at least it
might have had a *point* to it)!  A crappy, crappy end to a crappy,
crappy, CRAPPY first season.

All righty, then.  It should now be obvious to anyone with one-tenth the
brain power I have that this show is headed straight for the crapper, if
it's not there already.  (Though I must confess I am appalled by the
sheer number of people hollering on the message boards about how much
they *like* this show!)  The producers set out to take a humorous look
at being a teenager through the eyes of an unpopular girl, but they have
failed.  Why, you ask?  Well, since I happen to understand this stuff so
much better, I'll tell you, and will even go so far as to present the
myriad answers in a neat numbered list, because I like neat numbered
lists a lot.

1) Violation of the basic premise.
This should be *painfully* obvious, but apparently the producers at MTV
don't understand it: When you screw around with the major characters and
situations, not only do you risk ravaging the show, but you alienate fans
who have invested far, *far* too much of their lives in the program.  And
that's *precisely* what's happened here: MTV apparently figured they'd
change the show to make it more popular.  (Typical.  MTV wants to take a
show about an unpopular girl and make it popular.  You explain it.)

To better understand the seriousness of this violation, let's deconstruct
the character of Daria as portrayed in the "first season".  (The quotes
are there because I didn't like the "first season" at all and thus from
this point forward will be pretending as if it isn't real and never
existed, except when I need something to bitch about.)

In the pilot, Daria's personality was quite multi-faceted.  She was an
alienated teen with a cynical side but also a deep-rooted desire to be
accepted.  She displayed some acting talent when flirting, or pretending
to flirt, with Kevin.  She was a gifted wood-saw operator.  And she was
a saucy little tease.

In the "first season" (which doesn't really exist, remember) Daria is
*Cynical*.  She's Cynical about starting in a new school, she's Cynical
about being invited to a party, Cynical, Cynical, *Cynical*.  Cynicism
*alone* cannot carry a show, especially when the so-called "cynic" in
question is nowhere even *close*.

Think about it.  One continuous theme (far more apparent in the second
half of the season than the first) is Daria "learning something" from
her experiences and growing a little as a person from it.  (Watch "The
Misery Episode", I mean "The Misery Chick", for a textbook example.)
But a true cynic *never* learns anything from other people, because a
true cynic's ideals are NEVER WRONG.  A true cynic sees the world the
way it is, and because it is, it IS, and so THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
True cynics *NEVER* stop to question their ideals, lest they appear
foolish.  Instead they bullheadedly cling to them despite the fact
that it makes them not only unrealistic but also virtually impossible
to like.  *Especially* if they're teenagers maturing into adults.
People NEVER grow and change during this process.  I for one never
want to see any of Daria's "pure cynic" side ever again for as long
as I live.  I want her playful traits back.

And Kevin...  Well, in the pilot he was a typical high school guy, still
somewhat confused about the opposite sex (as witnessed by his being
convinced Daria likes him, based solely on her borrowing a pencil).
Here, he's stupid.  And that's it.  And while stupidity alone can carry
a show ("Beavis and Butt-Head"), it has to be funny.  And for it to be
funny, the viewer has to relate to the characters on some level, which
in the case of stupid-humor means the idiot has to be the main character.
Otherwise, as in the case of "Daria", you get other characters laughing
or making jokes at the idiot's expense, and the humor is killed.

What makes this even more serious is that the relationship between Daria
and Kevin represent the heart of what this show is fundamentally about (or
at least what it was *supposed* to be about) -- a typical teenage girl
pining for a guy she can't get, then retaliating by playing childish mind
games.  It would be simple enough to replace every other character on the
show -- make them secret agents, superheroes, space aliens, or kids who
collect little monsters and battle with them -- and if Daria and Kevin
were left alone, it would *still* essentially be the same "Daria" shown
in the pilot.  But Daria and Kevin are the two hands on the steering wheel
of the car that is "Daria".  Lose them both, and the car quickly careens
out of control.  Am I the ONLY one opening the passenger door to bail
out?!?

The one exception to this rule might be Quinn.  The closing scenes of
"Sealed With a Kick", in which Daria gets back at Kevin by simply sitting
back and letting Quinn use him, suggest that the writers had at least some
intention of following this thread further.  Still, I'd prefer that Quinn
be written out of the whole Kevin/Daria thing, because it's been featured
extensively in two episodes already ("Sealed With a Kick" and "The Lab
Brat") and is wearing thin, as the fans have already speculated it to
death on the basis of those two episodes.

2) Inattention to (or blissful ignorance of) other small but not-
insignificant details.
I'd prefer not to spend a whole lot of time on this, but to give a quick
rundown:

Daria's facial expressions.  Or should that be *expression*, singular.
Those Easter Island heads have a more flexible facial cast than this
girl!  Whatever happened to the big grins she flashed to Kevin?  I've
got news for the artists on this show: *Real* *people* *smile* *more*
*than* *this*!!  *Big* smiles too, not a piddly little upturned-mouth
thing!  (Hell, even *I* smile more than this!  If you actually smile
less than *me*, go to a doctor and have your facial musculature
examined, or at least look into Prozac, because there is something
*wrong* with you!)

Quinn's promiscuity.  Or rather, her lack thereof in the "first season".
Here Quinn seems to lead guys on, to use them to get things she wants --
dinner, presents, nice vacations at a ski house or on a boat -- but seems
to have a limit for anything beyond that.  Compare this to the pilot,
where at the drop of a hat Quinn hops in the backseat of Kevin's car, and
you've got major contradictions in characterization.  The other problem
is, this tease behavior worked so much *better* with Daria.  In essence
they've turned Quinn into the Daria from "Sealed" and tried to keep Daria
as the protagonist.  But stripped of her sauciness, there just isn't a
whole lot *left* of Daria to build an entire show around.

Daria's figure.  She had one in the pilot, where'd it go?  Not a major
gripe, but all these little things do add up.

The parents.  If this is a show about teenagers *aimed* at teenagers, for
christsake keep the parents out of it, or at least to a minimum in the
background.  Those two chew up more precious screen time in a few episodes
than Kevin gets the whole season!  The parents are *boring*, and no one
*cares* about them.  (At least, *I* don't, and I'm the one writing the
essay here.)

The animation.  It's too fluid in the series; I liked the more stop-motion
style in the pilot.  Not to mention the black-and-white.  Those colors are
too garish.

4) ...No, wait a minute, what number are we on?  Ohyeah--

3) The show just plain didn't turn out the way I'd envisioned it.
Therefore, it is bad.  And that is true, because it is a fact.  And there
are lots of people out there who agree with me, although I won't give you
an accurate number or say who any of them are.

And I know I have virtually no hope of changing the show for the better,
but these were things that needed to be said.  Currently I am very angry
and fed up with what has been done to my beloved Daria, and the only way
I can make myself feel better is to ruin the show for anyone who happens
to enjoy it.  At any rate, I seriously doubt I'll be tuning in for the
second season, though I'll still probably stick around and periodically
remind everyone that I hate Season One and how much I hate Season One
(even though it'd almost certainly be more productive, not to mention
less frustrating, for me to just move on to something else).

Before I finally shut up, I'd just like to take the time to refute some
anticipated objections to what I've written here, thus ensuring that I
get the last word in before anyone else even has a chance to say anything:

MYTH: "But, but, but character development in a mere *pilot* isn't nearly
enough to judge an entire series by!"
FACT: I've already discussed this in detail, but will gladly say the exact
same thing again in slightly different words in the hopes that this time
I'll get my point across: When they were giving the go-ahead, the suits at
MTV *had* to judge the entire series by the pilot.  That's all they had to
go on... that's all there *was*!  It *had* to have been enough, otherwise
the finished show wouldn't have even gotten *made*!

MYTH: "But, but, but aren't the producers free to make the show the way
*they* want it to be?"
FACT: If they want to make worthless crap, who am I to try and stop them?
But I still feel like the show was originally targeted at me, so I reserve
the right to be a bitter, petulant insurrectionist if I so choose.

In closing, to summarize the main points I've made in this essay:

1) The show is different now than it was originally.
2) Therefore, it is bad.
3) And not bad in a good way.
4) Bad in a BAD way.
5) So *there*.  Neener, neener, neener!


[Disclaimer: This essay is intended only as a satire piece, not as any
sort of malicious attack.  Please do not take its content too seriously,
or assume that I have something against you personally if you happen to
subscribe to the opinions being parodied here.  And if possible, please
try not to hate me too much for it.  I'm only trying to inject some humor
into a debate that seems to have gotten *way* too serious as of late.]

[This essay is copyright (C) 2000 by C.E. Forman... as if anyone would
ever *want* to plagiarize it.]