(Opening 'teaser' montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" – Splendora.

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li's office, looking warily at each other.

LHS science lab. AP standing with Stacy behind a lab table. AP looks at a beaker simmering over a Bunsen burner on the table, then at an empty test tube in Stacy's hand, then ducks under the table. A moment later, he grabs Stacy by the front of the shirt and pulls her down as the glassware on the table blows up.

The woods somewhere. Daria and Lynn are sitting around a campfire. Lynn holds up a hand and they both take on a tense, listening posture.

LHS gymnasium. Jane is in gym clothes, waving her arms in a 'pass it here' gesture. Seconds later, a basketball flies into shot, hitting her in the face hard enough to knock her over.

LHS corridor. Daria is wearing a slinky black dress and looking miserable and resigned. Upchuck leers something at her; Daria raises an eyebrow, gets an 'oh what the hell' look and then kicks him in the groin.

LHS auditorium – stage. Lynn is onstage, holding a knife to her throat and yelling something at Mack, who looks extremely taken aback. Cut to the seats, where O'Neill looks ecstatic and Daria, Jane and AP look impressed.

Morgendorffer corridor. Jake stands in the doorway of Quinn's room, looking sad and horrified. Quinn, talking on the phone, looks at him scornfully and slams the door in his face.

Zen backstage area. Nick and Casey Wright from the Back Alley Name-Droppers are involved in a fistfight. Trent gestures to Jesse, who walks up to the two of them and knocks their heads together; both combatants drop.

Trent's Plymouth. Daria, Jane and AP staring out the passenger side windows. Facial expressions are confusion, disbelief and anger respectively.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing in Daria font reads, "Daria in…)

THE LAWNDALE WITCH PROJECT

A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 3:04]

(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Something for the Weekend" – Divine Comedy. Daria and AP occupy one side of the gang's favourite booth and Jane sits alone on the other.)

Jane: Should we call a search party?

Daria: Oh, come on, it's only a half an hour since school let out.

AP: You gotta admit, though, she usually motors out of the school building like she's jet-propelled. You think she got detention or something?

Jane: No, she left the school grounds okay. Said something about 'research' and took off.

AP: Research?

Jane: (shrug) Maybe she's a Watcher.

(Daria and AP just look at her.)

AP: A 'Watcher'.

Daria: (sigh) You've been reading Buffy fan fiction again, haven't you.¹

(And the restaurant door slams open and Lynn walks in, arms full of books.)

Lynn: Hey.

Daria: Hey. Maxed out your library card, I see.

Lynn: Yeah, but in a good cause. (drops books on table, takes a seat next to Jane) You guys remember seeing The Blair Witch Project, right?²

(All four shudder to varying degrees)

Jane: Oh yeah. Three weeks of painting and twelve tubes of black paint to illustrate the nightmares out of my system.

Lynn: Well, legend suggests that Lawndale might have a similar skeleton in its closet.

(Daria and AP, who had been sipping their sodas, do the patented spit-take)

Daria, Jane and AP: (in unison) WHAT?

Lynn: (grabs book, opens it) The library here has a great occult section. I was hoping for a juicy local legend to write about for English class as a way to further nudge Wimp-In-The-Willows towards the loony bin.

Daria: Why target O'Neill, though? He may be clueless, but he's fairly harmless.

Lynn: You know, I never thought justification was necessary. (beat) But now that I have, I think it's because that whole "the world is really a nice place to live after all" attitude makes me want to blow chunks. Not to mention the play – which our class still blames me for.³

AP: And anyway, Purple Peril can't resist a sitting duck.

Lynn: And with O'Neill, at least you're guaranteed a decent reaction. Shove an unpleasant idea at him – fish, barrel, smoking gun.⁴

Jane: (prompting back to main subject) So you were looking for a horror history and you found…

Lynn: Oh, Carter County was once rife with witch-burnings. One of the Lawndale ones went to the stake screaming about a curse and revenge and … well, as there must, there were … disappearances.

Daria: Disappearances?

Lynn: People's kids started going missing. Some of them found dead in the woods, others never heard from again; that sort of thing. The families got all nervy and moved away.

AP: And … interesting as this is to know … where are you going with this?

Lynn: All the way into the woods and wilds of Carter County this weekend … to check it out and do some filming. With whatever company I can talk into joining me. (glance around table) Anyone?

Jane: You're insane, Lynn. Certifiable. You're going out into potentially witch-infested woodland with a video camera?

Lynn: It could be interesting. And it means I can put off the internal repairs to the house for one more week.

Daria: (that clinches it) I'm in.⁵

Jane: (stunned) Daria?

Daria: Hey, my family knows where you live and I don't feel like having them pursue me just yet … and I don't really want to be on my own in the remains of the Cullen household all weekend. Anyway, there might be good writing in this for me.

Lynn: Well, that's two of us. Jane? AP?

AP: Sorry, Purple Peril. Much as I'd love to be witch-bait with you, Dad kind of ordered me to fix his laptop this weekend.

Jane: I think a simple 'no' will suffice here.

Lynn: (shrug) Suit yourselves. (to Daria) Not to sound like I'm revoking my invitation, but how are things at home? (Daria glares at her. Lynn shrugs casually) Just asking.


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "For Whom The Bell Tolls" – Metallica. AP is looking nervously at Lynn's. Jane approaches, heading for her locker … but stops when she sees AP's face and the absence of Daria and Lynn.)

Jane: So where are our not-so-happy campers?

AP: I don't know. The Merc's not in the parking lot and neither of them have been to their lockers yet. Should we call them?

Jane: What could it hurt?

AP: You call. I'll go on IRC. Sometimes Purple Peril wears headphones while surfing and can't hear the phone.


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Outside Daria's locker, as before. Jane and AP meet up in front of it.)

Jane: Answering machine. Kate's still in Tokyo and I'm NOT calling the Morgendorffers if there's the kind of bad vibes there that I think there are.

AP: No mention of Purple Peril on her favourite channels. (beat) They could be too sick to be awake.

Jane: We lie for them for now. After school, we check on them.


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music plays on. AP climbing a trellis to reach Lynn's window and Jane is ringing the doorbell.)

Jane: Watch it up there!

AP: So nice to know you care, Art-Smart Scarlet! (peers into Lynn's window.) If I didn't know Purple Peril as well as I do, I'd think someone broke in and ransacked her room, but… (AP climbs down. Jane gives up on the doorbell.) Neither of them are here. And no sign of the Merc.

Jane: Hey, they could have had a perfectly ordinary car accident and be stranded dying on the road somewhere. (beat) Hey, just trying to find the silver lining!⁶

AP: Who has a car? (beat) Don't look at me. Mom put one of those Club things on the steering wheel of ours after she heard what happened to the Merc.⁷ Purple Peril hasn't taught me how to pick the lock on one of those yet…

Jane: We'll use Trent's. Or the Tank. Max owes Lynn.⁸


(Scene: Lane basement. Mystik Spiral is practising something loud and instrumental. Jane runs in, followed closely by AP. She stands in front of them, waves her arms in a 'stop the music' gesture; they don't seem to notice. Jane looks to AP, who, after a moment's thought, yells…)

AP: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!⁹

(And the band stops, staring at him as one would a madman. Jane corners Max.)

Jane: Tank. Keys. Now.

Max: Hey, whoa! Jane, what do you want her for?

AP: (speed rant) Hey, look, man, we haven't got the time for this, okay? Hand over the keys or I wreck the engine, 'kay?

Max: Hey, look, kid, I…

Trent: Janey, what…

AP: Purple Peril heard some legend about a Lawndale Witch and she went out a la Blair Witch Project to get some film footage. Erudite Emerald went with her. They weren't in school today and they're not home now. We need a car so we can go out and look for them.

Jane: Give us the damn keys, Max!

Trent: Max … fire up the Tank. I'll bring my car. We're going after them.

Max: I am NOT chasing monsters in my baby, Trent!

AP: Did I mention that I can play drums? (beat) You can be replaced, Max.¹⁰

Max: This is blackmail! (beat) All right. But she is still the Tank … anyone makes any Mystery Machine cracks and they WILL get left by the side of the road, okay?¹¹


(Scene: one of the country roads surrounding Lawndale. It has started to rain. Trent's little car and the Tank stop near to Lynn's Mercedes, which is parked in a natural cul-de-sac off the road. Trent, Jane and Jesse step out of Trent's car and Max, Nick and AP step out of the Tank. They converge on Lynn's Mercedes.)

Trent: Damn. So do you know where they went?

AP: Purple Peril was talking about a spot by a river. (pulls a map out of his pocket, unfolds it.) Right around … there! (points at a spot on the map) That was where they were headed.

Trent: That's miles from here. It'll take us all night to get there.

AP: No way! We just have to go at it from THIS road. (points at another place on the map) Purple Peril only went this way because it was the way a bunch of campers went before they disappeared. This road here was built since then.

Trent: (grumble) Yeah. Cool. Right. (under his breath) God, I'm sick of you knowing it all.

Jane: (overhearing) Hey, don't feel bad. Unlike him, you know what the word "skulking" means, don't you?¹²

(Trent looks at her, bemused. Jane shrugs and walks away towards the cars.)

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: AP yelling at the guys]

Be There.com: "This is how to save a social life!" People who spend a great deal of time on the Net don't HAVE social lives. Case in point.

NSPCC: National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Nasty words in pretty font with cute pictures. Award-winning? Maybe. Will the people that are perpetrating the cruelty get it? No.

ACT 2
(Scene: another country road on the outskirts of Lawndale. The Tank and Trent's little car are parked on the soft shoulder. Both vehicles are empty.)


(Scene: A river. A log is stretched across it. Trent is crossing it, arms extended. AP, who is pacing the bank, trips over one of its roots, causing it to shudder. Trent wobbles, nearly maintains his balance … and then falls in. It's more of a creek, and Trent lands with a harmless splash; when he stands up, he's up to his waist in water. He scrambles up the bank and glares hard at AP.)

Trent: Why don't you watch it, punk?

AP: It was an accident! Don't be so paranoid! Why would I want to dunk you anyway? (realises what Trent's look means) Oh, come ON!

Trent: Well, she DID dump you, didn't she?

AP: No, she didn't – she and I broke up; there's a difference. And if you think it was over YOU, maybe someone should take a pin to that ego of yours.

Trent: I never SAID that, you damned coward!

AP: (slowly) What did you call me?

Trent: Coward, that's what. They asked you to go along and you turned them down.

AP: Look, I had somewhere to be, alright? Just because you didn't even get ASKED…

Jane: Ever thought that if you two stopped fighting and started thinking about finding Daria and Lynn, there might be a better chance of them being alive to be found? (A thoughtful silence takes over. Trent extends a hand. AP shakes it.) Good. Now we're all across; can we keep going? It'll be dark soon … and I don't want them lost out there another night.


(Scene: a ransacked campsite. Vaguely familiar items of clothing [orange T-shirt, grey T-shirt, purple sock] are strewn around it. Someone has tied twigs together to make a pattern similar to that seen in the Blair Witch Project and hung three of them from the trees. Lynn's jacket lies at the foot of one of these. Trent and Jesse look at these curiously. Jane and AP start going through the bags, and Nick starts scanning the edge of the clearing. Max is just standing around looking nervous.)

Jane: This is scary stuff. (beat) Maybe it was just … I don't know, racoons or something.

AP: No way. This was an on-purpose ransack.

Trent: (gesturing to the stick patterns) What are these for?

Max: (sharp) Don't want to know…

AP: (OS; trying not to panic) Hey, guys? I don't want to worry anyone, but…

(The gang gather around him. At the edge of the clearing are two small piles of stones.)

Max: We're not going to find them alive, are we?

Jesse: Hey. Be cool.

AP: (weak smirk) Yeah. Lynn might have a surprise or two for any witch. She's been studying that witchcraft stuff for years.

(Loaded pause.)

Jane: Hey, guys … no one knows where we are, do they?

Trent: Aw, hell.

AP: It's simple. Some of us go back and, if we're not back by tomorrow afternoon, they call the cops and give our location.

Trent: Who goes?


(Scene: the forest. Six twigs are sticking out of Nick's fist. Jane picks one out. It's long.)

Jane: Good. I wanted to stay and look for them anyway.

(AP picks one. It's long too. Jesse picks a short one. Max's is long, as is Trent's.)

Jesse: You and me, Nick.

Nick: You four are gonna be careful, right? We don't want to have to call the cops for you.

Trent: Take my car. We might need the Tank when we find Daria and Lynn.

(Jesse nods and takes the keys Trent offers. They look at their friends in silence for a moment and then walk back towards the campsite.)

Jane: South?

Trent: South.

(They start walking.)

AP: (singing horribly) We're off to see the wizard…

Max: You want to be missing a few teeth, you keep RIGHT on singing that, man.

AP: How about "The Devil Went Down To Lawndale"?¹³

Jane: Shut UP!


(Scene; a clearing in the forest. A house is sitting in the middle of it. It looks very old and is very dilapidated. Jane, Trent, AP and Max look at the house, then at each other.)

Jane: (shaky) I don't want to go in there. What if they're…

Trent: What if they're hurt and by not going in there, we can't help them and… Look, get a grip, Janey.

Jane: Easy for you to talk. You fell asleep during the movie.

Trent: (thoughtful) True. Anyway, we've gotta go in there.


(Scene: house interior. There are a few handprints – about the right size for older children or teenagers – on the walls, and some scribbled writing. Jane, Trent, AP and Max look at each other.)

Jane: (whimper) Basement?

Max: (nervous) Aw, man, this is WAY too creepy!


(Scene: basement of the house. Jane points to a pool of blood on the floor. Near to it is a bundle tied in bloodstained cloth that was once purple.)

AP: Purple Peril's spare jacket. (to the looks) I can tell by the elbow patches.¹⁴ (They untie the bundle. Lynn's digital video camera and sound equipment is there.) We should be able to get matched feed on the sound through this thing.

Max: AP, I don't want to see this.

Trent: I do. We have to know. Come on, AP. Do it.

(AP fiddles with the machine awhile, then motions his companions forward.)


(All the following is seen from the viewfinder of Lynn's digital camcorder.)

(Scene: the Mercedes, seen as it was found earlier. Daria, dressed in the outfit she wore to the Grunge Grandstander's Gala in "Lady And The Tank", is taking a pack out of the trunk.)

Daria: Come on, Lynn, get that camera out of my face.

Lynn: (OS) Oh, be fair, Daria! If something DOES happen, we could be awarded the Golden Globe for best documentary … though I guess it wouldn't matter at that point…

Daria: Fine. Take all the footage you want. Just don't expect me to enjoy it.


(Scene: the forest. Daria is hiking up a hill. The camera veers occasionally, revealing trees with markings carved into them.)

Lynn: (OS) Some of these symbols are really interesting. I wonder what they mean.

Daria: I REALLY don't want to know.

Lynn: (OS) Look at it this way, Daria. If we make it to this place and it turns out to be nothing but vapours, think how much better we'll be able to sleep at night.

Daria: I think the hiking alone will encourage that. God, I'm tired. Did we bring food?

Lynn: (OS) Three bags of marshmallows, two boxes of graham crackers, three bars of chocolate, two packets of hot dogs and some buns, and coffee. That's all we really need for a weekend. (beat; sarcastic) Hey, we can make s'mores and sing 'Kumbaya'!

Daria: (scorn) Whoever the Lawndale witch is, I hope they go for YOU first.

Lynn: (OS; smug) Wouldn't help if it was anything like the Blair witch. The one that gets killed second stands in the corner facing the wall so he-slash-she doesn't see the other kid bite it.

Daria: Do NOT remind me!


(Scene: a campsite – different than the one the search gang saw. We see a shot of Daria and Lynn – who is wearing the outfit she wore in Lady And The Tank – sitting by the fire. The fire reflects off their glasses and makes it impossible to see their eyes. They are making s'mores.)

Daria: Do we have to have that on?

Lynn: Hey, look, I'd like it on for two reasons. One, it might make good reference for how people interact with each other. More for the novels, you know? And for another thing … well, if anything DOES happen, I don't want to miss it because I fell asleep.

Daria: Do you REALLY think that's going to happen?

Lynn: What, something happening?

Daria: No, either of us falling asleep.

Lynn: (sheepish) Um … in all honesty … no.

Daria: Well, anyway… now what do we do?

Lynn: We keep watch. If one of us gets tired, the other takes first watch.

Daria: And if neither of us get tired?

Lynn: We keep each other company, I … (holds up a hand) wait a minute.

(Pause – silence. Both Daria and Lynn take on a tense, listening posture.)

Daria: What?

Lynn: Tell me you didn't hear that. Tell me that was just an aural hallucination brought on by too many gigs with Mystik Spiral.

Daria: I thought … (In the background, we hear a very faint wail) There it is again. It's like…

Lynn: Screaming. (beat) It's too much to hope that there's a zoo in the area – you know … maybe the wildcats got loose?

Daria: No zoos. The Big Strawberry is the only point of interest in Lawndale.¹⁵

Lynn: Besides the big evil witch myth, you mean?

Daria: Hey, no one I knew had even HEARD of it until YOU went digging it up!

Lynn: Oh, look, if you took the LEAST bit of interest … (sigh) We should NOT be fighting. In that movie, those three film students were fighting and they bit it.

Daria: Right. Crap. (beat) Oh, turn the damn camera off! If there's anything out there, I DON'T want to know.

(Lynn walks out of shot and…)


(Scene: the forest. Camera shows Lynn shuffling precariously across a river [different one than the guys crossed earlier] on a log.)

Lynn: And now, when there's a chance of me humiliating myself, you want the camera on.

Daria: (OS) One day we'll look back on this and laugh.

Lynn: They said THAT in the movie, too.

Daria: (OS) Damn.

(And at this point, Lynn slips and falls into the river [deeper than the one Trent fell into]. She surfaces after a second, looking angry.)

Lynn: Turn. The camera. OFF!


(Scene: generic forest background. We see Daria, looking slightly worried.)

Daria: We should start heading back towards the car. Can you take a look at the map and see where we are?

(There is a bouncing as Lynn hands the camera over, then we see Lynn going through her pockets with a increasingly frightened look on her face.)

Lynn: Um…

Daria: (OS; angry incredulousness) You LOST the MAP?

Lynn: It must have come out of my pocket when I fell in the river. (beat) Look, we shouldn't panic. There's a road up that way. (points) We just have to keep going in as straight a line as we can until we find it. Then we flag down a ride and get the hell out of here.

Daria: (OS) Now that's an idea I can get behind.


(Scene: the campsite that Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max and AP tripped over; sunset. It looks fine at the moment. Lynn's jacket is hanging from one twig configuration, her T-shirt from another and her jeans from a third. The camera is set up on a tripod so we have a wide-angled shot of the camp. Lynn and Daria come into shot, each carrying a small pile of rocks.)

Daria: I note we're still lost.

(Lynn drops her rocks and moves towards the improvised coat hangers and takes her T-shirt and jeans off them.)

Lynn: (wringing out the T-shirt) Look, we'll find a road at some stage.

Daria: While wandering around like idiots and probably just missing anyone who might be looking for us.

Lynn: (chucking T-shirt onto ground) Listen, can we just focus on setting up camp? (groping through jeans pockets briefly, then tossing jeans aside) You use the rocks to set up a fire bowl and I'll try to find the spare matches. The others must be soaked.

(Lynn bumps the camera by accident as she passes, causing it to swing as if it was following her. She starts flinging clothes out of one of the packs.)

Lynn: I KNOW I packed a second box … aw, it's going to be a miserable night if… AH!

(She comes up triumphantly holding the matches and walks over to the camera, swinging it around as she talks.)

Lynn: (OS) Hey, Daria, I…

(Daria is not in the shot.)

Lynn: (OS) Daria? (beat) Daria, don't fool around with me like this; come out. (The only response is that it starts to rain) If you're taking a leak, then at least say so! (There is a long, silent pause) Oh, hell.

(The camera turns, and we see a close-up of Lynn's face.)

Lynn: I hate talking to machines but apologies to those who might care if we die because I took us out here are de rigeur so I'll make it short. If anyone cares if we bit it today … whoops.¹⁶

(For a few moments, we see Lynn's run through the forest from her point of view. Then she reaches a clearing. Straight on we see the house.)

Lynn: (OS) DARIA! (We hear a voice that might be Daria's, but very faint.) Damnit, Daria, if this is your idea of a joke…

(The camera – Lynn's point of view – goes into the house.)

Lynn: (OS) Daria, you had BETTER not be in the basement, or you are WALKING back to Lawndale!

(Daria's faint voice again. Lynn goes to what we saw before were the basement stairs and the camera bounces down them … only to see Daria standing in the corner.)

Lynn: (OS; sigh – relief, fear and fury) Damn you, Daria – that was such …

(Daria turns around and looks behind Lynn with real fear on her face. Lynn starts to turn around. There is a crash and a low cry, and the camera falls to the floor. It records for a moment and then is switched off.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn and Daria by the campfire, tense and listening]

Solstis: Energy drink. "Starve the bedbugs". I prefer coffee for that; it actually tastes like it hasn't already been drunk.

Next Week(ish) on The Look-Alike Series: Quinn tries to use her head for something other than an accent piece in an attempt to make amends in "Admission: Impossible".

ACT 3
(Scene: the basement. Jane, Trent, AP and Max look at each other, and then at the bloodstain on the floor.)

Jane: No … FREAKING … way…

AP: It … could be some sort of misunderstanding. I mean, this explains the mess the camp was in … the rocks … the symbol in the tree… This could all have some reasonable explanation. It could even be Purple Peril's twisted idea of a joke.

Trent: (sharp) Since when do hoaxes bleed, punk?

AP: Hey, SHUT UP! (beat; quiet) Give me my little moment of delusion, okay?

Jane: Can we get OUT of here? This is WAY too freaky.


(Scene: outside the house. It's raining harder now, and is quite dark.)

AP: Nice night.

Jane: SHUT UP!

Trent: (grim) We've got to find who did this.

Max: Man, are you out of your MIND? It's dark! It's wet! And if…

Jane: DON'T SAY IT!

Max: If WHATEVER is still out there and we DO find it, we're gonna get wasted! And NOT in the good way!

AP: I'm with Trent. Lynn's been my friend for over a decade now and Daria … well… Let's waste some witch!

Max: No WAY.

Trent: Max, not only are Daria and Lynn our friends, but Lynn's our singer.

Jane: WHAT? Is that IT? What about New Year? And your date?¹⁷

AP: DATE? What do you mean, DATE?

Trent: Shut up, Janey!

Max: STILL no way, man!

Jane: Max … Lynn keeps the Tank running.

(pause)

Max: Let's get … whatever it is!


(Scene: dark forest. AP is lighting their way with a small Maglite.)

Jane: Do you always carry crap like that around?

AP: Be glad I do.

(There is a crack of thunder)

Max: This blows.

(A rustling, twig-snapping sort of sound is heard off to the left.)

Jane: What the HELL is that?

AP: That's our witch! (pulls a Swiss army knife out of his pocket and pulls out the big blade.)

Jane: I don't think revenge is such a good idea anymore…

(A shadowy figure lurches out of the trees suddenly. The gang screams and AP leaps at the figure, knocking it over, and then pins it. He raises the knife.)

Daria: Stop! Stop! Damnit, AP!

(AP recoils, and the figure stands. AP turns his flashlight on it to reveal Daria.)

Daria: That's some welcome. Are you quite through?

AP: DARIA! (hugs her) Where's Lynn?

Jane: We saw … we thought … (hugs Daria briefly) what HAPPENED?

Daria: I'll try to explain.


(Flashback scene. Daria is sitting by the campfire. A burnt orange T-shirt flies by her head, indicating that Lynn is tearing the luggage apart for the spare matches. Daria walks off.)

Daria: (VO) I had to … answer a call of nature.

(Daria wanders aimlessly in the woods. She walks into the clearing and sees the house, which she eyes dubiously for a moment. Then it starts to rain, which decides Daria, who runs for it.)

Daria: (VO) I got curious and wanted in out of the wet, so I went in and had a look around.

(Daria in the basement, standing in the corner.)

Daria: (VO) There was some writing on the walls, and I stopped to read it. I got really involved and when Lynn came down the stairs, I didn't turn around until…

(Lynn barges down the basement stairs, sees Daria in the corner.)

Lynn: Damn you, Daria – that was such…

(Daria turns and looks up to see a loose beam falling from the ceiling It hits Lynn on the head and arm, and she cries out and goes down.)

(Back to present. Trent, Jane, AP and Max are staring at her.)

Daria: She's fine – just a few cuts and bruises. But we wanted out before the whole place came down around our ears. We left Lynn's equipment wrapped up in her jacket down there because she wanted it in out of the rain, then went to try to find the campsite … but got lost. We've got a little lean-to built over there.

Jane: But what about the rest of it? The screaming you heard?

Daria: Screech owls and overactive imaginations, apparently.

Trent: The markings on the trees?

Daria: From what I read on the basement wall, the whole Lawndale witch thing was a hoax. The kids that 'went missing' were a bunch of crack-heads who either OD'd out here or were found bombed out of their minds and put in rehab. Their parents didn't want to talk about it because they were too ashamed, so they perpetuated the witch myth to cover it all up.

AP: So Purple Peril's Lawndale witch was screech owls, drug addicts and … parental COVER-UP?

Daria: (shrug) Looks very much like.

Trent: Let's get Lynn and get out of here. We don't want Nick and Jess calling the cops.


(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "My Hero" - Foo Fighters. Jane is painting Lynn and Daria around a campfire – but with a menacing shape looming behind them. Lynn is reading "Everything You Need To Know About Survivalist Measures". AP is sitting on the floor watching Jane. Daria is sitting on the bed.)

Jane: So you uncovered the Lawndale Hoax instead of the Lawndale Witch. (beat; shy) I'm glad you're okay. (beat; stern) Now don't EVER do that to me again!

Lynn: That's two severe blows to the head in the last month.¹⁸ And people wonder why I am the way I am. (beat) But I suppose it could have been worse. At least it was only you guys that came hunting. I don't think I could have taken a REAL rescue team.

Daria: That IS pretty embarrassing. I'm still not over the emotional scarring from last time.¹⁹

AP: Hey, Purple Peril – you realise that now that I've saved you, your life belongs to me.²⁰

Lynn: I don't subscribe to ancient wisdom that puts my life into another's hands. Especially not if it's YOU.

AP: Oh, come on. You at least owe me a favour.

Lynn: I guess I can manage that.

AP: Just a question. What's this about a date with Sir Naps-a-lot?

(Daria looks stunned. Jane looks expectant. Lynn groans and leans back in the chair.)

Lynn: If that's the fee, take me back and LEAVE me there.

Daria, Jane & AP: (in unison) LYNN!

(Lynn sighs and looks resigned.)

END

A NOTE OF THANKS

First of all, to the makers of "The Blair Witch Project" – if I hadn't got so freaked over this movie, I wouldn't have had to write this parody to exorcise it from my overactive imagination. But most of all to Austin Loomis – I thought this fic sucked and I had mentioned it to Austin, whereupon he asked to read it just to see. He restored my faith in it. Thanks, Austin.

ENDNOTES

1] Thanks, Lew; you and the 'I'm still dying to see it finished' "Hellmouth in Lawndale" have created a monster. That's the second Buffy reference I've used so far this season. [Back]

2] This movie struck me as being kind of like Marmite – people either loved or hated it. I fell into the former category, I must admit. [Back]

3] This happens in "An Irony of Errors". [Back]

4] Thank you, Austin Loomis [or whoever you got that from]. Great phrase. [Back]

5] Daria's been staying at Lynn's since "Sister, Sister", when Jake found out about Helen's affair with Daria's biological father. [Back]

6] When Austin betaed this, he said, "Surely that's a smoky grey lining?" I told him it was a quote. And it is, from "The Big House". Jane: He [DeMartino] could still have a heart attack. He tries walking on the bad knee and the pain is so bad, his heart stops. Daria: Right. Jane: Just trying to find the silver lining. [Back]

7] "Mercedes Bends". Nuff said. [Back]

8] In "Lady and the Tank", Lynn demonstrates automotive skill when she repairs the busted Tank. Shades of Jane in "The Road Worrier". [Back]

9] Anyone ever seen Monty Python's "Cheese Shop" sketch? A comic gem beyond price. [Back]

10] We first find out that AP plays drums in "Blind Audition" and it gets more of a look in "Growing Cynical". [Back]

11] I'm sure someone once compared Trent to Shaggy from "Scooby Doo". And the Tank strikes me as a less functional, less tacky Mystery Machine. [Back]

12] Read "The Flack-Jacket Mafia". AP has a rather lax command of the English language, as you may have gathered. He prefers numbers. [Back]

13] Anyone ever heard "The Devil Went Down To Georgia"? I don't know who did it first, but it was covered admirably by the Levellers. [Back]

14] This would be because of her 'suicide run' on her motorcycle in "Miss Conception". [Back]

15] According to the map in "The Daria Diaries" anyway. [Back]

16] Well, could you REALLY see Lynn giving that overblown weepy speech Heather gave in "The Blair Witch Project"? I didn't think so. [Back]

17] "An Irony of Errors". Again. [Back]

18] She takes three hits to the head in "Liaisons", actually; the baseball bat, Ms Li's fist and a desk corner to the temple. [Back]

19] "The Teachings of Don Jake". No, I wouldn't have coped with it well either. [Back]

20] Chinese? Native American? It's from someone's folklore and I can't place it. [Back]

LEGAL BLATHER

Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.