(Opening 'teaser' montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" – Splendora.
Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li's office, looking warily at each other.
LHS science lab. AP standing with Stacy behind a lab table. AP looks at a beaker simmering over a Bunsen burner on the table, then at an empty test tube in Stacy's hand, then ducks under the table. A moment later, he grabs Stacy by the front of the shirt and pulls her down as the glassware on the table blows up.
The woods somewhere. Daria and Lynn are sitting around a campfire. Lynn holds up a hand and they both take on a tense, listening posture.
LHS gymnasium. Jane is in gym clothes, waving her arms in a 'pass it here' gesture. Seconds later, a basketball flies into shot, hitting her in the face hard enough to knock her over.
LHS corridor. Daria is wearing a slinky black dress and looking miserable and resigned. Upchuck leers something at her; Daria raises an eyebrow, gets an 'oh what the hell' look and then kicks him in the groin.
LHS auditorium – stage. Lynn is onstage, holding a knife to her throat and yelling something at Mack, who looks extremely taken aback. Cut to the seats, where O'Neill looks ecstatic and Daria, Jane and AP look impressed.
Morgendorffer corridor. Jake stands in the doorway of Quinn's room, looking sad and horrified. Quinn, talking on the phone, looks at him scornfully and slams the door in his face.
Zen backstage area. Nick and Casey Wright from the Back Alley Name-Droppers are involved in a fistfight. Trent gestures to Jesse, who walks up to the two of them and knocks their heads together; both combatants drop.
Trent's Plymouth. Daria, Jane and AP staring out the passenger side windows. Facial expressions are confusion, disbelief and anger respectively.
Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing in Daria font reads, "Daria in…)
AN IRONY OF ERRORS
A Daria fan fiction [LAS 3:03]
(Scene: Lynn's room. It is marginally tidier than we saw it last.1 Lynn is lying on the bed with her feet propped up on her Kurt Cobain poster,2 reading "We're Not Gonna Take It – A Postal Worker's Guide to the Last-Stand Shootout". She is wearing headphones. Daria walks in, sitting down on the bed.)
Daria: Um … Lynn? Could I ask you something? About … Jerome3 (beat) Lynn? (beat; slightly annoyed) Lynn, I'm dumping AP and eloping to Antigua with Upchuck. I thought you should be the first to know.
(Then Daria really looks at Lynn, and notices the headphones, which lead her to the realisation that Lynn didn't hear any of that and probably doesn't know that Daria's in the room. After a moment, Daria yanks the headphone cord out of the socket on Lynn's stereo – at which point we're all nearly deafened by Jethro Tull's "Aqualung". Lynn and Daria both jump; Lynn grabs for the remote control and turns the volume down.)
Lynn: You could have just grabbed the book if you needed my attention.
Daria: (rueful) No; that would have been intelligent.
Lynn: So … you've got me. What?
(Daria looks Lynn straight in the eye … and freezes up.)
Daria: Um … how do you think you did on your English essay? ('Damn.')
Lynn: Not really sure. It depends on how good at reading between the lines he is. Either it'll get a cursory glance and the usual A, denouncement as the words of the ultimate heretic, or one of O'Neill's more classic 'episodes'.
Daria: ('okaaay…' look) And which are you hoping for?
Lynn: (musing) Well, from a purely academic standpoint, obviously I'd like the A but…
(Lynn doesn't finish; she just smirks. Daria, filling in the blanks, rolls her eyes and sighs.)
(Scene: O'Neill's class. The board is covered with vague quotes, comments and character names from Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet". AP looks cheerful.)
Daria: You don't normally look this happy when we get major essays back.
AP: I'm quietly confident. My Cliff Notes have never seen such a workout! That essay is my ticket to … well, at least a C...4
Lynn: Have you ever considered just asking Daria and me for help on English?
AP: Ye-es … but when you talk books, I can't understand YOU two either.
(O'Neill enters with a handful of papers and starts handing them out to students.)
O'Neill: I've marked this week's essays and I must say, I'm seeing some real improvement!
(AP looks at his essay and sighs.)
AP: D+? Well, it IS an improvement … kinda…
O'Neill: (walking back to the front of the room holding one essay) But one essay showed some real independent thought, and I thought I'd share it with the rest of the class.
Lynn: (looking around and realising that she's the only one without an essay) Oh crap…
O'Neill: (familiar 'dramatic reading') "NO teacher could get across the messages and meanings in Shakespeare's plays because, for the most part, there WEREN'T any. How could there be, when the esteemed Bard was in the habit of rewriting whole scenes to appeal to the audience? 'Romeo and Juliet' was the 'Buffy' or 'Xena' of its time, appealing to the same core group of people who want excitement, romance and bloodshed rather than logical, believable plot or subtext. It might have saddened Shakespeare to know that his tale of star-crossed love, family rivalry, swordplay, wrath and death had been reduced to a period piece with no basis in the 'modern day' by curriculum-enslaved English teachers who would cut a work of drama to pieces until it has lost all semblance of life. None of Shakespeare's plays were meant to be seen as 'literature' per se; theatre doesn't work like that. Shakespeare wrote for the stage, and his work should stay there."5
Lynn: (to general looks from the class) Well? It's true, isn't it?
O'Neill: (inspired) You're absolutely right, Lynn! I couldn't agree more. (Daria, Lynn and AP share a 'look') Let's try to bring the beauty of Shakespeare home to the student body! We'll perform "Romeo and Juliet" for the school! I expect everyone in this class to at least turn out for auditions – that'll be your next assignment! How better to prove you know your material than be able to act it onstage? And now let's all thank Lynn for her exciting suggestion!
Lynn: (mildly panicked expression) Excuse me … that wasn't a suggestion; that was an observation. Or, more accurately, me casting aspersions on your teaching methods.
Daria: (resigned) Don't bother. It never works. (to Lynn's look) Just don't ask.6
(Lynn notes Daria's expression and then drops her head onto her desk with a 'thunk'.)
O'Neill: (OS) Now, we'll split you into teams…
(Scene: LHS auditorium, stage. AP sits with Ted, reading Mercutio's part.)
AP: "More than the Prince of Cats, I can tell you. Oh, he is the courageous captain of compliments. He fights like you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance and proportion; rests me his minim rest, one, two, and the third…" (he lunges with an imaginary sword, loses his balance and falls over) Damn.
(Scene: still the stage. Daria stands centre stage, face impassive as usual.)
Daria: (usual monotone) "Two households, both alike in dignity…"
O'Neill: (OS) Perfect! Next!
(Daria raises an eyebrow – "perfect?", then shrugs and walks off.)
(Scene: stage. Kevin and Brittany onstage, reading – pitifully slowly – from their scripts.)
Brittany: (failed attempt at 'dignified lady' voice) "Saints do not move … though grant for prayers' sake."
Kevin: "Then … move not, while my prayer's effect I take." (And he and Brittany start making out. And just keep going – perhaps they forgot they're onstage?)
O'Neill: (OS; nervous) Um … thank you for that wonderful display of Shakespearean passion. (beat) Um … please take your Shakespearean passion elsewhere. (beat) Kevin? Brittany?
(And a whistle blows. Kevin looks around, drops Brittany and races off. Brittany scowls, gets up and follows. Pan to the seats; Daria holds her whistle. Everyone is staring at her.)
Daria: Carry on. (beat; to their looks) I want to get out of here before "Sick Sad World" starts.
(Scene: the stage. Mack and Lynn are onstage. They begin.)
Lynn: (morose) "Shut the door, Father, and when thou hast done so, come weep with me, past hope, past cure, past help."
Mack: "Ah Juliet, I already know thy grief. It strains me past the compass of my wits. I hear thou must, and nothing may prorogue it, on Thursday next be married to this Paris."
Lynn: (cold desperation) "Tell me not, friar, that thou hear'st of this unless you tell me how I may prevent it. If not, do thou but call my resolution wise, and with this knife I'll help it presently!"
(Lynn pulls a switchblade out of her pocket, pulls out the blade and holds it to her throat. Mack is somewhat taken aback – he never expected this from Ms Monotone…)
Lynn: "God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands, and ere this hand, by thee to Romeo sealed, shall be the label to another deed, or my true heart with treacherous revolt turn to another, this shall slay them both. (pause; yelling) Be not so long to speak; I long to die if what thou speakest speaks not of remedy!"
(Silence punctuated only by ragged breathing – Lynn, completely in character. Mack looks like he's been slapped. Cut to the seats. O'Neill looks ecstatic. Daria, Jane and AP look somewhat impressed [though Daria and Jane look a bit surprised].)
O'Neill: Bravo! Bravo! Next, please!
(Back to the stage. Lynn, who has snapped out of 'Juliet mode', pockets her knife and leaves the stage with Mack still staring at her.)
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP walking; Daria and Jane shoot little sidelong looks at Lynn as they go. They finally stop at Daria's locker.)
Lynn: (confused; slightly defensive) What?
Jane: I didn't know you could act.
AP: You heard her do the French Taunter and you didn't know she could act?7
Jane: Good point. But you know you're going to regret that, don't you?
Daria: (to Lynn's querying look) In general, Lawndale High students are a bit short on talent. And anyone who breaks cover and shows some semblance of it tends to get thrust into the spotlight against their will. It makes the school look good.
Jane: (lofty) Bitter, bitter experience has been my teacher.8
Lynn: Aren't you overreacting just a bit? That was under Ms Li. Do we really have to worry about Ms Li anymore?9
(Daria and Jane look a little sheepish.)
Jane: Yeah, well … I'm just surprised, is all. I mean, what happened to 'requires facial expressions?10
Lynn: (shrug) I only said that to finish the job of breaking O'Neill. Actually, I like the stage. Gives me an outlet for the emotion I don't like showing in real life.
(Her tone is slightly mocking; her eyes are deadly serious. The subject is dropped.)
AP: Well, anyway, it's better for me that it was a stage thing – I just don't get Shakespeare. I mean, none of the words make sense! They're either too long or too old or spelled weird…
Lynn: This coming from the man who spells 'crowded' with a U and 'apology' with two Ps.11
AP: Yeah, whatever. And then there's the plots…
(Quinn approaches. Her stride says, "I'm not afraid"; her face says, "Yes I am".)
Quinn: Daria…
(All four turn and look at her. Jane, Lynn and AP show slight contempt; Daria's look could kill.12 Quinn's throat seizes up; she makes an abrupt U-turn and nearly runs back the way she came. The gang turn back to their conversation as if they hadn't been interrupted.)
AP: I mean, some of it's kind of cool … but it's just so hard to believe! I mean, you've got fairies and little schemes an idiot would see through and long-lost twins popping up all over the place… (He realises what he's said, catches the pointed looks) I'm gonna shut up now.
(Daria, Jane and Lynn nod a 'good idea' at him.)
END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn holding the knife to her throat, screaming at Mack]
London Buses: Radio advert – a family bickering about where they want to eat [ergo what stop to get off at]. I get this enough when I commute – I don't want to wake up to it too.
Budweiser: They gave up on the frogs. Now they have ants. And Peter Stringfellow trying to seduce someone. And really bad music. Some days I'm glad I don't drink beer.
ACT 2
(Scene: LHS corridor [bulletin board]; 2 days later. Music: "Hey Joe" – Jimi Hendrix. Jane is reading a notice pinned to the board and, when Lynn passes, Jane smirks at her.)
Jane: Hey, it's the leading lady herself!
Lynn: (mild horror) You're kidding.
Jane: And I get to be the Nurse. (bows) Your humble servant. (Lynn rolls her eyes) You don't need the extra credit, though. Why do it?
Lynn: Mainly because you DO need the extra credit. If I back out, who knows who you might wind up acting alongside? You COULD wind up sidekick to Brittany.
(Brief pause as Jane considers this.)
Jane: Thank you. I mean it. Thank you.
Lynn: So who else got shanghaied into this?
Jane: Kevin and Brittany are Lord and Lady Montague … O'Neill had the sense to keep them together this time.
Lynn: Do I want to know?
Jane: Rumour has it that Brittany's car broke down about fifty miles across the border of Fremont. (to Lynn's 'okaaay…' look) And Quinn got turkey legs thrown at her. (to Lynn's 'the HEY?' look) Never mind.13 Anyway… (looks at list again; wince) Upchuck's playing Paris.
Lynn: (looking queasy at the prospect) Do I even want to know who's playing Romeo?
Jane: (peering at the list; slowly) Look for yourself.
(Lynn does, and her eyes go wide.)
(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music plays on. Lynn is picking at her food, studiously not looking at AP, who is in speed-rant mode.)
AP: I don't BELIEVE this! I mean, I HATE Shakespeare! I can't act! I'm no GOOD at that romance crap! I don't DO words! I didn't even try OUT for Romeo! What was he THINKING?
Lynn: (mutter) He said that your Mercutio wasn't worldly enough but you had the perfect blend of enthusiasm and innocence to play Romeo.
(AP makes a kind of choked 'Gah…' noise and drops his head on the table.)
Daria: You couldn't just bow out?
AP: (looking up at Daria) Turn down extra credit when I'm a micron short of flunking English? Are you out of your MIND? (sigh; normal speed) I mean, at least this way, I have someone to help me through it. (to Lynn; pleading but nervous) Right, Purple Peril?
(Lynn has the look of a small, helpless animal caught in a snare at this point. Jane watches shrewdly.)
Lynn: (sigh) Yeah.
Jane: So now all we've got to do is get you involved in this, Daria.
Daria: Who says I'm not? You saw the list.
Jane: You made Chorus but … (it hits her) You mean you're TAKING it? But you're the ORIGINAL 'requires facial expressions so I won't do it' woman! And you don't need the extra credit either! Not that I'm not glad to have you aboard, but why not sit out?
Daria: (sardonic) And break up the Dream Team? I wouldn't dare. (beat; quiet) Anyway, rehearsals will be a good excuse to stay out of the house.
(Jane looks at Daria sympathetically. Lynn and AP are poking at their lunches, tense as bowstrings and pointedly not looking at each other.)
(Scene: Lane basement. Music: "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" – The Beatles. Lynn is systematically taking an amp apart. Trent is looking at her in some concern.)
Trent: We can't practice without that, Lynn.
Lynn: I'll put it back together later. (beat) But I'm not sure if I can promise it in working order.
Trent: I'm usually not that good at these things but … something's bothering you, right? (to Lynn's look; explanatory) When you're upset, you destroy things.
Lynn: Yeah, well … there's something therapeutic about chaos.
Trent: So what's the problem?
Lynn: I don't want to talk about it. (beat) So how are you coping these days, anyway? What with Daria and AP getting along so well?
Trent: (shrug) I'm thinking it's about time I let it go.
Lynn: (the observant) Not that easy, though, is it?
Trent: (the resigned) No, it's not.
(Trent sits on top of the amp case, looking resigned. Lynn stands up and looks at him sympathetically.)
Lynn: (gingerly patting his shoulder) Well, these things take time…
(They look at each other for a moment. The silence develops a charged quality. Lynn startles out of it after a moment and takes her hand off Trent's shoulder. She drops cross-legged on the floor and starts poking at the amp's innards again. Trent looks at her thoughtfully.)
Trent: Hey … Lynn?
Lynn: (faux-distracted) Mmm?
Trent: You like that horror movie stuff, right?
Lynn: (still feigning complete absorption in the amp components) Mmm.14
Trent: That "Scary Movie" thing is playing at the MultiMoviePlex. (beat) Want to go?
Lynn: (shrug) I was going to go see it next week. Maybe see if Daria, Jane and AP wanted to…
Trent: No … I meant you and me. Tonight. (Lynn looks up at him, stunned.) I mean … like a date.
Lynn: (wary) Trent…
Trent: Like I said … it's time I let go.
(Lynn considers him carefully, remembering that she has something of her own she wants to let go of. Finally…)
Lynn: (sigh) Sure. (to the expectant look on Trent's face) What, NOW?
Trent: Carpe diem?
(Lynn sighs, drops her screwdriver and gets up.)
(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music plays on. Jane is poking through the fridge. She looks at a carton of milk, winces over the sell-by date and carries it to the sink. As she goes to dump it…)
Trent: (OS) I'll be ready to go as soon as I find my car keys.
Lynn: (OS) Rough estimate – two weeks, given your room.
(We hear Trent laugh/cough, then footsteps on stairs. Lynn enters the kitchen to find Jane staring at her.)
Jane: Where are you two going?
Lynn: (evasive) Out.
Jane: What, you mean OUT-out? As in DATE-out?
Lynn: Maybe.
Jane: What about AP?
Lynn: (saturation point reached) You mean my half-sister's boyfriend? What about him?
Jane: ('oops' expression) Well, yeah, but…
Lynn: Daria and AP have been going out without so much as a hitch for about six months.15 And I, for one, am glad they're happy.
Jane: ('she means it but…') Okay, so try telling me that you're not going out with my brother to get your mind off the fact that you're going to be doing the onstage romance-thing with AP.
(Lynn glares at her but says nothing. There is an awkward silence that is broken by heavy tread down stairs and Trent's arrival in the kitchen.)
Trent: We ready? (looks from Lynn to Jane and back again) Whoa. What's going on?
Jane: (hurriedly) Nothing.
Lynn: Ready when you are, Trent.
(Trent looks a bit dubious, but shrugs and walks out, followed by Lynn. Jane stands there for a moment, shaking her head, as one who should say, "This can't turn out well…")
(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Wish You Were Here" – Pink Floyd. Daria is sitting across from AP, watching with bemused concern as AP shreds a piece of pizza with his fingers.)
Daria: How are you not getting cheese burn?
AP: Calluses. (beat) You mess around with Bunsen burners, hazardous chemicals and soldering irons enough, you get tough hands. (sigh; throws the slice on his plate) This BLOWS.
Daria: AP … it's just a play.
AP: JUST a play? Huh. I mean, there's gonna be kissing! I'm gonna have to spew lovey-words and she's gonna spew lovey-words back and there's gonna be kissing. I'm gonna pretend to off myself out of love for her and … and…
Daria: And there's going to be kissing. We've covered that.
AP: How the hell am I supposed to do all that – all the lovey-word-spewage and the pretend-offing and the kissing and crap – and not let on that… (not going there) And I can't even drop out because of my crummy grade and if SHE drops out I'm gonna flunk anyway because I can't do this without her help… (drops head on table and groans) This BLOWS.
(Daria looks at him sympathetically, and comes to a decision.)
Daria: AP … maybe this isn't the time but…
AP: (raising his head slightly to look at her) We're breaking up, aren't we. (beat) I think we'd better, because – you're great and everything but… I guess you deserve someone who DOESN'T…
Daria: …Wish he was with the other sister. (AP drops his head back on the table) It's okay. I understand. And you deserve someone who doesn't sometimes wish she'd picked the narcoleptic guitarist.16
AP: (sighing into the table) Well, so much for THAT idea.
Daria: What idea?
AP: Taking your mind off it by dating someone else. Doesn't work; doesn't even come close. (beat) I'm probably prying but … you gonna go after Sir Naps-a-lot?
Daria: You ARE prying. And I'm not sure yet. We've talked about this before. He may be less of a slacker now, but still…
AP: Oh yeah. The potential Purple Peril thing.
Daria: Well, you know, if Jane knew about this, she'd probably move heaven and earth to sabotage that potential 'thing'…
AP: (raising his head; alarmed) You're NOT gonna tell her. You CAN'T. I'd NEVER live it down. And she'd tell Purple Peril and… (sigh; slams head into table again)
Daria: Would it be that bad a thing if she knew?
AP: Did you want Sir Naps-a-lot knowing that you liked him way back when?
Daria: (sigh) Touché.
AP: (looking up) Well … love officially sucks.
Daria: Here's to it.
(They clink their soda cups together, then turn to their pizza slices, looking glum.)
END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: AP slamming his head into the table at Pizza King]
Big Brother: This show's like Road Rules, only smuttier. They've got a vibrator-toting lesbian ex-nun, if that tells you anything. And they say the English are prudes…
Next week(ish) on The Look-Alike Series: Daria and Lynn go camping to videotape evidence of the supernatural … and don't come back. Life imitates art in "The Lawndale Witch Project".
ACT 3
(Scene: the abandoned quarry. Music: "Riders on the Storm" – The Doors. Trent's blue Plymouth is parked out there.)
(Scene: the Plymouth, inside. Music plays on. Trent and Lynn are sitting side by side, looking straight ahead, not moving.)
Lynn: So … what'd you think of the movie?
Trent: (on the spot) Uh … it was cool.
(Lynn gives him an 'okaaay…' look and shuts up. The silence becomes … palpable.)
Trent: Um … are we SUPPOSED to talk?
Lynn: Probably not. (beat) But we don't seem to be doing … anything else, either.
(The silence comes back.)
Trent: Weird, isn't it?
Lynn: What is?
Trent: We've … um … (helpless hand-flailing accompanied by blush)
Lynn: I'll spare us both the crude terminology and just say 'got physical'17
Trent: Yeah. Thanks. (beat) But we didn't mean to, exactly. And now that we DO mean to … we're not. (beat) Why is that?
Lynn: (sigh) Maybe because we know this isn't working. I'm not her, Trent.
Trent: And I'm not him – whoever he is. (to Lynn's shocked look) Sorry. You're easier to read than you think.
Lynn: Yeah … well … (sigh) No. You're not him.
(Long silence.)
Trent: Sorry, Lynn. I shouldn't have asked.
Lynn: Why did you? Or is that a stupid question?
Trent: No, it wasn't like that. It was … the little differences.
Lynn: You mean like putting mayonnaise on French fries in Holland?18
Trent: (chuckle) Sort of. It's like … well, I was supposed to rig some music for Daria and Janey's class project last summer...19
Lynn: I've heard.
Trent: (slight wince) I just never got it together. And she didn't crack the whip enough to stop me slacking … even when it cost her a really good grade.
Lynn: You do know why she went easy on you, don't you?
Trent: (miserable) Don't.
Lynn: (contrite) Sorry. (beat) Where is this going?
Trent: You'd never let anyone get away with that. You don't get intimidated. You make things happen if they have to happen and the rest of the world be damned.
(Silence.)
Lynn: Little differences.
Trent: Maybe we're rushing things.
Lynn: Maybe.
Trent: Maybe we could try again … sometime.
Lynn: Maybe.
Trent: (sigh) Maybe I should take you home.
Lynn: Yeah. Thanks.
(Silence. Trent reaches for the ignition key … then stops.)
Trent: Why'd you say yes?
Lynn: (blush) Well … remember that question I wouldn't let you ask a few days after the dance?20
Trent: (lost) Yeah…
Lynn: I agreed to this … because the answer to that question was yes.
(Trent stares at Lynn, pleased, flustered and amazed. Lynn seems to be trying to retract herself into her jacket like a turtle into its shell, and after a moment, Trent starts the car.)
Trent: Maybe another time.
Lynn: Maybe.
(Cut to external shot of the Plymouth reversing away from the quarry edge, then driving away.)
(Scene: a dingy pool hall/bar sort of place. Music: "Sympathy for the Devil" – Rolling Stones. Lynn is sitting at a rickety table, a drink [looks like plain Coke, but you can imagine it's not] in front of her, staring into space, looking miserable. Footsteps approach.)
Lynn: Got your message, Rust. What do you want?
'Rust': (the 'voice' from "Sister, Sister"; OS) So you came up with a nickname, Cullen. Nice. (Lynn shrugs) Ooh. That's a 'love sucks' face if ever I saw one.
Lynn: Get bent.
Rust: (OS) Hey, I'm trying to commiserate. I know how it feels.
Lynn: Are you me?
Rust: (OS) No-oo…
Lynn: Then you don't know how it feels. Now will you please just tell me what it is you want and then go away?
Rust: (OS) Wanted to tell you, on behalf of Mr Smythe, that you now own 15 Glenview Road.21 Dad clinched the deal this morning.
Lynn: (sigh) Well, great.
Rust: (OS) Are you sure it was a good idea to tell your mother that…
Lynn: (downright evil) What, that Dad was involved, ergo I am in touch with him?22 Don't worry; I've explained how I'd discredit her if she started talking … and what I'd do to her when the dust had settled. And she knows what I'm capable of.
Rust: (OS; slightly frightened) Right. (beat) So … you going to keep sitting on those talents?
Lynn: (sigh) Do I have a choice?
Rust: (OS) Sure … but you'd be a less helpless target if you didn't.
(The look Lynn gives him would make a lesser man run screaming for his life … then she gives a philosophical shrug.)
(Scene: English class. Music: "Eyesight to the Blind" – The Who. Those involved in the play [Daria, Jane, Lynn, AP, Mack, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, Ted and a few vaguely familiar faces – like the portly red-haired girl and the blond kid with the eyebrow piercing] are gathered and milling idly, waiting for O'Neill to show up. Daria is at one corner of the room towards the back, reading "Future on Ice" – compiled by Orson Scott Card. Jane is nearer the middle, doodling things in the margins of her script. Lynn and AP are at the front, desks pulled close, talking.)
Lynn: (gentle) Oh. That sucks.
AP: Ah, it's not a big deal. It's not like I got dumped or anything. And we're staying friends. It was … um…
Lynn: Is 'amicable' the word you're groping for?
AP: (shrug) Probably. It was just that … well, we have fun and everything when we're going out but sometimes when we talked it was like trying to reference a string pointer in a memory segment with a floating point variable stored in it.23
Lynn: (puts that into context) That would mean that you weren't quite compatible.
AP: Yeah.
(Lynn looks at AP, who looks nervy and evasive. Lynn takes this to mean that he's a bit blue over the break-up and tentatively pats him on the shoulder.)
Lynn: Well … if you need to talk or anything…
AP: (blush) Yeah …. sure … right…
(Pan to Jane, then to Daria. Both are watching Lynn and AP with interest, for different reasons. Lynn and AP, on the other hand, are struggling against a feeling of total awkwardness.)
Lynn: (waving script) We should…
AP: (relieved) Yeah. Oh, I wanted to ask about something. What the hell does it mean when … hold on, let me just…
(They bend over the script as AP starts leafing through it. Daria and Jane both shake their heads in total disappointment and then go back to what they were doing.)
END
A NOTE OF THANKS
To Austin Loomis – but for him, this idea would still be on the scrapheap. To Kara Wild; our RL conversations helped me fill in a serious plot hole. All due respect to J, who's doing a similar sort of thing. Any similarities between our plotlines are purely coincidental, I swear. And to Martin J Pollard … well, swearing goes to Martin for double-dog-daring me to use only classic rock as background music in a fic. But I did it, damnit! Ha!
ENDNOTES
1] We saw the disaster that Lynn made of her room [and, on a grander scale, the rest of the house], in "Sister, Sister." [Back]
2] This poster is one of the main decorative features of Lynn's room, as seen in "The Things We Do For Dough"; reinforces the 'dark and mysterious and possibly suicidal but no one can be sure' look. [Back]
3] As we note in "To Kill A Misery Chick" and "Sister, Sister", Jerome is something of a worrying enigma to Daria. Are we surprised she wants things cleared up? [Back]
4] This hasn't been made abundantly clear, but we've had enough hints to guess that AP is no great shakes as per English. [Back]
5] Dramatic reading a la "Academic Imprisonment" by Quinn Morgendorffer in "Quinn The Brain". Statement on Shakespeare - true. And I wish I'd had an O'Neill - I got a teacher with a grudge for the rest of the year. [Back]
6] From "Monster": O'Neill: That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion! Daria: Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it. [Back]
7] "Love Him or Leave Him" – Monty Python, plastic barnyard animals and a well-placed water balloon. [Back]
8] I cite "Arts n' Crass" and "See Jane Run" as proof. [Back]
9] First they got her arrested in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia", the season 1 finale. Then, in "Liaisons", the season 2 finale, she attacks the gang and is shot dead by Mr DeMartino. I'm not very kind to the woman in finales, but there's not much I can do to her now. [Back]
10] Lynn says this back in "A Meeting of the Brains", echoing Daria from "The Daria Database". This is where the thanks to Austin come in – he helped me find a way around this statement. [Back]
11] I scoured my shoebox-o-letters until I found some decent misspellings. I honestly couldn't think of any on my own. [Back]
12] Quinn's gossip-gannet-ism led to Jake's discovery of Helen's affair and related issues in "Sister, Sister". So now Daria's under self-imposed exile from the Morgendorffer house, Helen and Jake's marriage is under threat and Jake's being nudged back into heart attack country. This is not helping Quinn's popularity as far as the gang is concerned. [Back]
13] A very basic summation of the aftermath of "Fair Enough". Oh, and the 'keeping Kevin and Brittany together' thing is apparently J's brainchild - so subconscious borrowing. Thanks for pointing it out relatively nicely, J. And sorry? [Back]
14] Well, she does. She suggests "The House on Haunted Hill" in "Relation-slips" and, in "World Geek Show", she's said to own the entire collection of "Nightmare on Elm Street" videos. Anyway, what do you expect from someone who sees torture as a hobby? [Back]
15] Well, their first real, honest-to-goodness date was in "Mercedes Bends", anyway. [Back]
16] Note to the confused reader – Daria and AP had a talk about AP's feelings for Lynn back in "Relation-slips". [Back]
17] They kissed first – "Kiss and Tell", and that was stupid. Then they did what I think Americans refer to as 'the foo-foo nasty' in "Rue Britannia" which, as seen in "Miss Conception", was even more stupid but could have been worse. [Back]
18] "Pulp Fiction" reference – Jules pumping Vincent for details on hash bars and Europe's 'little differences'. [Back]
19] "Jane's Addition". [For those who haven't figured it out, TLAS takes place after S3 but before S4 – therefore S4 does not exist here.] [Back]
20] He tries to ask in "Love Him or Leave Him"; this is in response to his kissing her in "Kiss and Tell". [Back]
21] Lynn began the arrangements to purchase her place of residence in "Sister, Sister". The trust fund from the Smythe side of the family [referred to in "World Geek Show"] just gets more and more useful. [Back]
22] In "To Kill A Misery Chick", we find out that Kate is capable of really sticking it to her husband if he gets in touch with Lynn. [Back]
23] Thank you, Ben and Pavel, for helping me with the geek-speak. Non-geek translation: "you tell the computer that a location in memory holds a string when it actually holds a decimal # (for ex, 3.14159...) and the computer can't make sense of things - result: nonsense." The other one was big-endian/little-endian confusion, which was obviously what *I* was experiencing... [Back]
LEGAL BLATHER
Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.