(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Calm, quiet early Sunday morning. Music: "Coffee and TV" – Blur. A dark blue car pulls up in front of the Morgendorffer house and Quinn gets out. She waves at the car and it drives away. Then she looks at the house with equal measures fear, anger, general misery.)

(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music plays on. Lynn, in grey T-shirt and skirt, is rooting around through the cupboards. Bed-hair in evidence [tangled, hanging in slightly wavy tendrils]. She retrieves coffee. She looks at the label and then makes a face. Enter Jane [red shirt, black shorts, bed hair].)

Lynn: Is this the only coffee you have?

Jane: Yep.

Lynn: Damn. I was hoping for more of a bang. (thoughtful look) You got a mortar and pestle?

Jane: Yep. (gestures to a cabinet. As Lynn gets out the mortar and pestle, something registers) More bang? That’s espresso…

Lynn: I know. Maybe if I make it like Turkish…² (retrieves mortar and pestle, pours in coffee grounds, commences grinding)

Jane: (sleepy blink) Ooo-kay… (sits at table) 8 a.m. Sunday. Spring break. You’re up. (beat) Why?

Lynn: I had that nightmare again.

Jane: Science class, pink taffeta, no notes, project with Kevin?³

Lynn: No, thank God. That one has at least had the decency not to go into reruns.

Jane: Green rabbits nibbling your…

Lynn: No, that was you.

Jane: Hmm … that leaves single mother, dead-end secretarial job, no life.⁴

Lynn: Bingo.

(Jane shudders, as does Lynn. Enter Daria [more bed-hair]. She watches as Lynn sifts the powder she’s created into a pan, adds water and starts it on the boil.)

Daria: What are you doing?

Lynn: Coffee. Sort of. It might be lethal. (shrug)

Daria: (slightly scared) I think I’ll pass.

(Enter AP [Einstein-esque hair, Dexter’s Lab boxer shorts, Simpsons socks.])

AP: Meef.

Lynn: Yeah, whatever. Sit down; coffee’s on. (opens cupboard, gets sugar, pours generous helping into simmering black sludge in pan)

AP: Ymrgh. (sits at table)

Jane: I thought *I* was bad at mornings.

Lynn: Nothing beats AP at incoherence in the morning … and that includes Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max and most species of bear.

Daria: And on what grounds are you making a distinction between the two?

Lynn: Bears eat less pre-hibernation. (grabs three mugs, pours vaguely liquid brown/black stuff into them, then looks at them dubiously) It’s coffee, Jim, but not as we know it.⁵ (to AP) Milk?

AP: Dmmr.

Lynn: Actually, I think it might. Milk might make it runnier.

AP: Yrrthn.

(Lynn adds milk. Daria and Jane stare at this exchange.)

Daria: You UNDERSTOOD that?

Lynn: Oh yeah. One day I’ll show you the "Grog-English Dictionary" – my project of the year for 1994. (stirs coffee; hands it to AP) Animal Test One – effect of new coffee recipe on common Techno-weasel.⁶ Drink up; I want to see if it’s toxic.

(AP swigs the contents of the mug down in one. Daria, Jane and Lynn watch expectantly. There is a three-second pause and then AP’s eyes widen and he begins to make strange wheezy choking sounds.)

AP: (choked) What … WAS … that?

(Lynn and Jane look at each other speculatively. Daria notes the look and grabs their mugs off the counter, dumping the contents down the sink. Jane and Lynn look disappointed.)

Daria: You okay, AP?

AP: (slightly improving) Gah … aftertaste… (beat; caffeine kicking in) Oh, hey, I gotta get home – Dad kind of ordered me to fix the PC at home – lousy piece of crap though it is – or my allowance gets cut so I won’t be around much this spring break but I’ll see you around sometime, ‘kay Erudite Emerald?

Daria: (stunned, slightly disappointed) I…

AP: Great – sorry – see ya! (exits kitchen)

Lynn: (calling after) You might want to put some… (slamming door) … clothes on.

(There is a moment’s pause. Then the doorbell rings. The girls smirk.)


(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Mexican Wave" – Kerbdog. Daria, Jane and Lynn in a booth. Daria looks grim. Jane looks half-amused, half-disgruntled.)

Jane: Well, that whole scenario could have been a lot worse.

Lynn: You mean Penny could have slapped AP even HARDER when she barged into the living room and found him putting his pants on?

Jane: Yeah, something like that. And at least Wind was too busy sobbing over Lorraine to notice what AP was wearing when they met on the doorstep. (beat) Is it okay if I stay at your house until the rest of the family checks out? I might not bother if it was only Wind, Penny and Mom, but when Adrian and Courtney turned up I knew Summer wasn’t far away. And Mom said something about Dad coming back from Puerto Vallarta.⁷

Lynn: Yeah, it’s fine. Mom’s still in Boston so there’s no problem there. And you and Daria might be halfway decent company over spring break. That is, if you’re still staying, Daria.

Daria: Yeah, well, it’s probably safer for all concerned if I stay away from the house for a few days.

Jane: Oh yeah, that parent crap you were talking about. You never explained that.⁸

Daria: (hesitant) Well, when I came home to pick up the video for last night, I ran into Quinn. And we both found Mom going through Quinn’s room. She’d already been in mine. (beat; to Lynn) Thanks for lending me that book, by the way.

Lynn: "Hideaway"? Told you it was the best five bucks I ever spent.⁹ (slight smirk) So she found diddly?

Daria: Well, except for the collection of violent poetry on the closet wall.

Jane: And that’s it?

Daria: (slightly angry) Isn’t that enough?

(Enter Jodie, looking as angry as Daria.)

Jodie: Hey, guys.

Daria, Jane, Lynn: Hey/Yo/Hi.

Lynn: Is there a particular reason that smoke seems to be exuding from your ears?

Jodie: Well, remember when I told you my mom thought my not giving a damn was just a phase?¹⁰ Well, she’s decided that this phase has gone on long enough and now wants to send me to a psychologist. (Daria, Jane and Lynn wince) So I either go back into at least a few of my extracurricular activities or I go and get my head shrunk. (sigh) Why do I even bother?

Daria: The eternal question. Have a seat and join the rest of us in cursing the family ranks.

Jodie: (sitting) I’m actually glad I ran into you guys. I was wondering if I could stay with one of you over at least some of spring break. I have got to get out of the house or I may do something unpleasant.

Lynn: Well, far be it from me to instigate a vicious bloodbath. Well, unless I’m the one pulling the trigger. You can stay at my house. It seems to be the safe haven for the teenage damned this week anyway.

Jodie: Thanks. (beat) Hey, we can make an event of it!

(Daria, Jane and Lynn eye her cautiously)

Daria: If you’re thinking slumber party…

Jodie: No, not quite. I just thought it could be a LITTLE more festive than just the four of us hiding out from our families for a few days.

Lynn: Okay … a crash-out it is, then.

Jane: What exactly is a crash-out? Or don’t I want to know?

Lynn: A crash-out is an all-night party. I went to one with Jan when I was staying in London last summer.¹¹ Basically, you hang around, watch movies, listen to music, get hammered if desired…

Daria: Sounds like what we normally do. Well, except the getting hammered part.

Jane: Do the words Electric Ballroom ring a bell?¹²

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) I hate you.

Jodie: (slightly dubious) Okay. But hammered is optional?

Lynn: Absolutely.

(Andrea pokes her head around from the next booth.)

Andrea: Can I get in on this?

Daria, Jane, Lynn & Jodie: AUGH!

Lynn: Um … hi, Andrea.

Andrea: Hey. So am I in?

Lynn: Sure … if you want to be.

Jane: Why would you want to be? (Andrea just stares at her) Hey, just asking.

Lynn: Do you actually know where I live? (Andrea shakes her head.) 15 Glenview Road. Say seven-thirty? (Andrea nods.) Bring … something. I trust your judgement. I think.

(Andrea nods and leaves. The girls stare after her, then look at each other – "Ooo-kay…")

END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: the four girls jumping as Andrea addresses them.]

‘Goldfish’ credit card: Billy Connelly standing in a desert like some almighty Guru while CGI goldfish swim through the air around him. Then one of the goldfish tells him off. Whoever came up with that concept should seek rehab.

Holsten Pils: Comedy duo (anyone familiar with "Ooh, suits you, sir"?) with a dubious gift for double-entendre making remarks about seepage. Not for the faint-hearted.

ACT 2

(Scene: Quinn’s room. Quinn is sitting on her bed, reading "Tina and the Tennis Pro"¹³. There is a knock on the door – a very tentative knock.)

Quinn: No. (Door opens, Helen enters.) What part of "No" don’t you GET?

Helen: Quinn … (sigh) I just wanted to apologise…

Quinn: Oh, yeah, that makes it just FINE that you came into my room and did that … esplanade!

Helen: Quinn … first of all, I think you mean ‘espionage’…

Quinn: What-EVER!

Helen: And I can’t take back what I did. I just wanted you to know I was sorry for it.

Quinn: You just don’t GET it, Mom! You can say ANYTHING but that doesn’t make it TRUE!

Helen: (sigh) All right, Quinn. How do I SHOW you I’m sorry? (blank look from Quinn) I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but…

(Helen pulls out her platinum credit card and holds it out to Quinn. Quinn stares at it, and then at her, with a mixture of shock and disgust.)

Quinn: Mu-OM! What makes you think you can buy my inflection with MONEY all the time? This isn’t like … like telling me I can’t double-date without another girl – this is, like, PORTRAYAL! (shocked look from Helen) Ooh, you just don’t understand! (goes to her closet, grabs a bag from the floor and throws clothes in at random)

Helen: Quinn, you’re not going anywhere!

Quinn: You didn’t stop DARIA from going anywhere!

(Helen opens her mouth, gets a panicked look and shuts it again, leaving her to stare after Quinn as she leaves.)


(Scene: Lane front door. Quinn drags herself and her bag to the front door and opens it. And Wind Lane answers the door.)

Wind: Oh! Hello! Who are you?

Quinn: Um … I was looking for Daria – she’s Jane’s friend?

Wind: Oh. Um. Jane. She might be around somewhere. (beat; flirtatious) Why don’t you come in? If she’s not in here, she’s sure to come back sometime…

(Trent, bearing a duffel bag and wearing a irritated expression, appears behind Wind.)

Trent: Wind, you’re in enough trouble with women without picking up jailbait… (beat; notices Quinn) Oh. Daria’s sister. Hey.¹⁴

Quinn: Look, you, I have a … oh, never mind. I wanted to find Daria and thought Jane might know where she was.

Trent: Well, Janey said something about staying at Lynn’s house. 15 Glenview Road.

Wind: Where are you going, Trent? You said we’d talk about wanting women you can’t have!

Trent: (rolls eyes) I’m going to borrow the Tank, Wind. I’ll park it in the driveway so you know where to find me if you need me. Why don’t you go vent at Penny for awhile?

(Wind gets a thoughtful look on his face and goes back into the house.)

Trent: (passing Quinn on the way out) Later, Daria’s sister.

(He lopes off. Quinn looks after him with an exasperated expression, then she sighs, picks up her bag and starts walking)


(Scene: Cullen kitchen. Music: "Amazed" – The Offspring. Daria, Jane and Lynn enter.)

Lynn: Daria, can you see if there’s anything remotely like snack food in the pantry?

(Daria heads across the room and vanishes into the pantry. Lynn opens the fridge.)

Jane: Hey Lynn … what do you think really happened between Daria and Helen?

Lynn: Hmm … the only difference between the fridge here and the fridge at Aunt Lorna’s is that there’s nothing decomposing here.

Jane: Oh, come on, Lynn, you must have at least a guess!

Lynn: We’re going to have to do at least some shopping. There’s a well-stocked liquor cabinet but no real food. Unless your idea of party food is microwaved chicken curry for one.

Jane: You’re not even curious, are you?

Lynn: (sigh) I AM, but I’m not going to press her. She’s upset enough as it is. You can push her for answers if you want to, but give me a few minutes’ clear warning so I can get the hell out of range. (Lynn goes back to her contemplation of the fridge) Well, there are pickles, so that’s something. And a jar of maraschino cherries, for some obscure reason…

(Jane rolls her eyes and sighs, then goes through one of the cupboards. Daria enters.)

Daria: I found a packet of Ding-Dongs, if that helps. (beat) Nothing else – no real food – just a packet of Ding-Dongs.

Lynn: We’re going to have to go food shopping. This is not going to feed everyone. (Doorbell)


(Scene: Cullen front door. Music plays on. It opens to reveal Quinn, looking dishevelled. Daria, Jane and Lynn look a little shocked.)

Quinn: Um … can I talk to you, Daria?

(Jane and Lynn look at each other. Daria just stares at Quinn.)

Lynn: I think this is our cue to pick up supplies, Jane.

Jane: But…

Lynn: We’ll be back in a while. Any requests, Daria?

Daria: Um … anything but lasagne.

Lynn: Come ON, Jane…

Jane: But…

Lynn: I actually own a cattle prod, it might interest you to know.¹⁵

Jane: (pale) Eep.

(Jane allows herself to be hustled out. Quinn and Daria look at each other for a long moment, and then Daria steps aside a little and waves Quinn in.)


(Scene: Lynn’s room. Music plays on. Daria is sitting on Lynn’s desk chair, Quinn’s sitting on the bed.)

Daria: I take it you talked to Mom.

Quinn: She, like, tried to say sorry for looking at my diary. Then when I said I didn’t believe her and stuff she took out her platinum card.

Daria: And yet you are here rather than bankrupting the family at Cashman’s.

Quinn: I … I didn’t take it. I don’t know WHY I didn’t take it. I’ve been trying to think why and … (sigh) well, I can’t.

Daria: Welcome to the world of deep thought. And you want me to be your water wings. (beat) Okay, Quinn. Mom did something wrong. BADLY wrong. And she tried to buy you off. Which didn’t address the problem. So you got offended because she thinks it does.

Quinn: (slowly) Okay … I think I understand. You’re saying it didn’t go deep enough?

Daria: Exactly. (beat) You didn’t really need me for this. Why did you come to me?

Quinn: Well, not only are you smart and good at thinking about upsetting stuff (cue disgruntled look from Daria)¹⁶ you’re my…

Daria: Cousin? Au pair? (beat; quiet) Half sister?

Quinn: No, I never said that last one. I … (stops, stares at Daria) You’re kidding.

Daria: An additional bombshell from Mom after you left last night.

Quinn: Well, I should have known! I mean, we COULDN’T be COMPLETELY related! (beat) But I can still call you my cousin at school and my sister when I need you, right?

Daria: (sigh) If you must. So that’s you squared away. What’s with the bag?

Quinn: I just needed to get away. I thought you’d be at Jane’s and I’ve stayed there before and… I needed to cut loose and YOU guys know how not to care about other people and I wanted to be somewhere where no one cared and, like, everyone blew off their parents and stuff so that I could do that too. (meek) I can’t do it alone. Can I please stay here?

Daria: Well, it’s up to Lynn. But I have no problem with that.

Quinn: You DON’T?

Daria: Just … just try to refrain from being so … you in these four walls, okay?

(Quinn nods meekly. Daria stifles a sigh – "What am I getting us into?")


(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Drain You" – Nirvana. AP is brooding over a pizza. Enter Mack.)

Mack: Hey.

AP: Hey ho. Looking for someone?

Mack: I was hoping Jodie was around. She’s in an evil mood and she won’t say why.

AP: Well, I hope you can row, ‘cause we’re in the same boat. I busted my butt working on Dad’s computer so I could hang with the gang this week and now they’re hiding from me. (sigh) I don’t know; I mean, I just wish Erudite Emerald would trust me more…

Mack: Erudite Emerald? (thinks) Oh, Daria.

AP: Right. I mean, Purple Peril would trust me with her life … if not her car.¹⁷ I just…

(Enter Ted, looking flustered.)

Ted: You know Daria, don’t you?

AP: I sometimes wonder.

Ted: Did she happen to say anything to you about where Quinn was? Only I was supposed to be on a date with her tonight and her father won’t let me in the front door and her mother became somewhat depressed when I asked.¹⁸

AP: There’s something going on at the Morgendorffers. (beat) Last time I saw Erudite Emerald, she was at Jane’s. She might know what’s going on with the Overachiever AND with Narcissa.

Ted: Excuse me, but I hope you’re not referring to Quinn. That’s rather unkind.

(AP looks a little amazed, then gives an apologetic shrug.)


(Scene: Cullen living room [a room designed by a woman with a lot of money, an Ikea catalogue and no imagination]. Jane and Quinn are sitting on the sofa watching as Daria and Lynn converse.)

Lynn: It’s not that I mind, exactly. It’s just that I have to wonder when the house became a safe house for those whose parents are, in a metaphorical sense, engaging in unnatural sex practices with them.

Daria: And you’d rather it become a safe house for those whose parents are, in a LITERAL sense, engaging in unnatural sex practices with them?

Lynn: I hate you.

Quinn: (concerned) Maybe I’d better not stay. I don’t want to make them fight.

Jane: What makes you think they’re fighting? This is normal.

Quinn: But she just said she HATES Daria! I mean, not even SANDI ever said that to my FACE!

Jane: Which would you prefer – someone who says they hate you but you know they don’t, or someone who never says that but you know they do?

Quinn: (thoughtful look) And that’s, like … normal?

Jane: If you have the right sense of humour and a healthy disregard for what people think of you. And we do. (Doorbell) Hey, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber! Door!

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Go to hell, Lane.

Jane: (to Quinn; smirk) See? (to Daria & Lynn) I’ll get it, then, shall I?

(Jane moves off, leaving Quinn to think about this. After a moment, she smiles.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Trent brushing past a surprised Quinn.]

L’Oreal Children’s Shampoo: Any eight-year-old who worries about their hair being shiny is being deprived a childhood of tree-climbing and mud puddles. The adverts we see today create the fashion trends of tomorrow. This is SO evil.

Clark’s Shoes: "Act Your Shoe Size, Not Your Age". Now that's better – encourage parents to be irresponsible because it sets SUCH a good example for their kids. Make up your minds!

ACT 3

(Scene: Lane house, exterior. Music: "Walking After You" – Foo Fighters. AP, Mack and Ted approach the front door. AP rings the bell. Amanda answers and looks at them for a moment.)

Amanda: Oh, hello. Can I help you?

AP: Maybe. We were looking for Jane and Daria.

Amanda: Daria … hmm … I’m pretty sure I have no relatives by that name.

AP: She’s a friend of your youngest daughter. Brown hair, glasses, green jacket.

Amanda: Oh, yes. She and Jane and that other girl left the house … um … sometime today. I think. (beat) You may want to ask Trent.

AP: Oh. Is he in?

Amanda: No. But he’s around. Just knock on the van.

(And the door shuts. Mack and Ted look very confused. AP shrugs and looks around, spying the Tank in the driveway.)

Mack: You dealt with that really well, AP.

AP: Compared to my mother, that made sense.¹⁹ (Mack and Ted share another look as AP steps up to the Tank and hammers on the door.) HELLO, SIR NAPS-A-LOT! AWAKEY-WAKEY! THIS IS YOUR NINE O’CLOCK ALARM CALL!²⁰

(The van door slides open and Trent looks at him scathingly.)

Trent: What do you want, punk?

AP: We’re looking for Erudite Emerald, the Overachiever and … (sidelong look at Ted) um … Kawaii respectively.

Trent: Kawaii?

AP: Polynesian. Loosely translated to "cute". Pet name for Daria’s sister.²¹

Trent: Oh yeah. Daria’s sister. She was here looking for Daria. She’s probably at Lynn’s.

AP: They’re at Purple Peril’s? (grin) Hey, I say we barge in there and find out what’s going on with the girls!

Trent: I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Lynn would kill.

AP: Nah. Not me. Not LITERALLY. I don’t think. And it’s worth it to find out what’s going on. Come on! It might be fun!

(Trent looks dubious. Mack and Ted shrug. AP grins and gets into the Tank. Mack and Ted shrug and follow. Trent grumbles as he gets behind the wheel.)


(Montage sequence. Music: "Lotus" – REM. Quinn reaches into her bag and pulls out a makeup case. She looks beseechingly at the other girls. Andrea gives Quinn such a deadly look that Quinn immediately puts the case away.

The Tank pulls up in front of the Cullen house. AP bounds out of the back and heads for the ivy trellis leading to Lynn’s window. He gets to the top… then sees the nails that Lynn has glued, pointy side up, to the windowsill. He looks at them, considers, and then climbs back down again with a "you haven’t beaten me yet!" look in his eye.

Cullen living room. A stack of videos lies on the table. They all look fairly fed up as they sift through the videos, suggesting they’ve been looking for quite some time. Then Jane holds up "The Breakfast Club" with a smirk. They look at each other, then look at the video box, and they all give little smiles. "Yeah, that’s appropriate."

AP shoos Ted towards the kitchen window of the Cullen house. Ted clambers onto the sill … then slips on the anti-climb paint Lynn’s redone the sills with and falls into the bushes underneath the window. Cue sound of mousetraps and Ted whimpering. End montage.)


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Music plays on. Trent, AP, Mack and Ted are heading for the front door.)

AP: But this isn’t how these things are DONE! And anyway, if she’s taken this many measures to cut off access, she’s NOT going to just open the door!

Trent: I’m not having her open the door, you moron. If we listen, we might learn something.

(With that, he takes the welcome mat from the front stoop and throws it into the bushes outside the front window. There are snaps as mousetraps are sprung, and Trent smirks and conceals himself in the bushes. AP looks pissed, but he follows Trent into the bushes. Mack and Ted look at each other.)

Ted: Is this normal behaviour for those two?

(Mack shrugs and both hide with Trent and AP.)


(Scene: Cullen living room. A bottle of peach schnapps is sitting on the coffee table, and each of the girls has a full shot glass in front of them. [Can we say ‘drinking game’?] They are all in that giggly stage.)

Jodie: Okay. Um … I never … I never did anything mean to a sibling.²²

(Daria, Jane and Quinn drink. Lynn refills their glasses.)

Andrea: What did you do?

Jane: (dismissive) Too many things to even count. (beat) Hey, I’ve got four siblings!

Daria: It’s a sibling rivalry thing. (beat) You never did ANYTHING mean to Evan or Rachel?

Jodie: (vaguely disappointed) Not a thing.

Lynn: Well, it’s not too late.

Andrea: (raised eyebrow) *I* never got anyone arrested.

(Daria, Jane and Lynn drink. Andrea nods – "I thought so." Quinn stares at them.)

Quinn: You got someone ARRESTED? (idea) You got MS LI arrested?

Daria: (smirk) God, Quinn, what do you people DO on dates?²³

Jane: (offhand) I never went all the way with a guy. (sudden ‘oops’ expression)

(Dead silence at the table. Then Lynn and Andrea pick up their glasses and drink. Daria, Jodie and Quinn stare.)

Quinn: Oh, my GOD, you mean unpopular people put OUT?

Jodie: Lynn, who with? No offence.

Lynn: Um … well … it was kind of at that New Year party…²⁴

(Lynn trails off. Daria turns to Lynn, wide-eyed. Lynn glares at Jane, who looks guilty.)

Daria: You slept with Trent.

Lynn: I wouldn’t put it quite like that…

Daria: Well … um … (not going into this) whose turn is it?


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. AP, Mack and Ted are looking at Trent. AP opens his mouth to speak, eyes wide.)

Mack: (whisper) There are better places for this conversation.

(They nod and quietly slide out of the bushes. AP is the last to leave and for a second, when everyone’s back is turned, he looks first at Trent – looking mad enough to kill – and then into the window – with sadness in his eyes.)


(Scene: the Tank, interior. Music: "No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn" – Beastie Boys. The guys are passing around a bottle of tequila. They are totally bombed.)

AP: You. And Purple Peril. Did it. (beat) When th’ell did THAT happ’n?

Trent: Don’ wanna talk ‘bout it, man.

AP: Look, you … you … you … whatever th’ell ya are. Just … do right by her, ‘kay? Else I’m gonna have ta alleast TRY to kick y’r butt ‘n I think I’m not big enough f’r that.

Trent: Shut up, punk. If’t makes ya feel better … I’m not gonna do her wrong, ‘kay?

AP: Thass all I wanned ta hear. (beat) Hey, y’know what? I really think we oughta go in there. I need ta talk to that girl.

Mack: Which one?

AP: Dussn matter. C’mon.


(Scene: Cullen living room. Music plays on. The girls are peeking out through the curtains and watching as the guys stagger out of the back of the Tank.)

Andrea: Told you I heard something.

Lynn: Probably the mousetraps. (beat) Do we want to let them in?

Quinn: HELL no! I’m not sharing tonight with a bunch of GUYS! Even if one of them IS Ted!

Daria: I’m not really in the mood to talk to AP anyway.

Lynn: (evil smirk) Remember the LAST time you weren’t in the mood to talk to him?²⁵

(Daria, Jane and Lynn share an evil smirk. Jodie and Quinn look a little nervous and Andrea raises an eyebrow.)


(Scene: Cullen front door. Music plays on. AP has raised his fist and is ready to pound on the door.)

Ted: Maybe we oughta ring the bell…

(And he’s hit from above with a water balloon.)

Quinn: (OS) HI, Ted! Sorry but we’re having a girl’s night and YOU’RE NO GIRL! (Another water balloon whacks AP) AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR, YOU GEEK!²⁶ (giggle) This is so much fun!

AP: Drop the hydros, you flighty-fluff! I wanna talk to the others!

Ted: That’s my GIRLFRIEND you’re talking about! En guarde!

(Ted tackles AP to the ground. Trent and Mack look at each other with raised eyebrows. Then a few paintballs are fired from above, whacking Trent and Mack and turning them a strange shade of burnt sienna.)

Mack: OW! Those paintball things HURT!²⁷

(The barrage continues. Trent and Mack run for the relative safety of the Tank, stopping to collect Ted and AP respectively on the way. The sound of vaguely drunken female giggling drifts across the still evening air.)


(Scene: the same, morning. A bird is seen singing in a tree in the yard. After a few tweets, it gets smacked by a paintball and falls out of the tree with a squawk.)

Lynn: (OS) Gotcha, ya little bastard.


(Scene: Cullen house, exterior. Daria, Jane, Lynn, Quinn and Jodie, all in nightwear and all looking a bit rough around the edges, come out with cups and a couple of large thermoses. Lynn hammers on the outside of the Tank, and after a moment, a door opens. Ted leans out looking VERY pale and wretched.)

Lynn: We thought you could use this.

Ted: What is it?

Jane: Coffee. Otherwise known as the elixir of life.

(Ted takes the coffee, tries a brief smile at Quinn, and then tries to slide the door shut, but is stopped by AP, who clambers out over Mack. He stands in front of Daria.)

AP: Sorry, Erudite Emerald. I was just worried.

Daria: (slightly cold) It’s okay. No harm done.

AP: (unconvinced) No, I mean it. I just … I …

Daria: This won’t get mentioned again. We’ll leave you to your recovery.

(She walks back towards the house, leaving AP to look after her, at first he looks hurt, and then he looks angry.)

Mack: (groan) Turn the lights OFF!

(Lynn gives AP a sympathetic look. AP rolls his eyes and then shuts the Tank door.)

Quinn: You know … for awhile there I was thinking that I might try to hang out with you guys, but now I think I might not want to after all. Unpopular’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t, like, want to LIVE here.

(She strides away. Jane, Lynn, Jodie and Andrea watch her go for a moment.)

Jane, Lynn, Jodie & Andrea: (in unison) Thank God…

END


A NOTE OF THANKS

Diane Long gets all due mention for this one. Thanks for listening as I ranted.


ENDNOTES

1) Yeah, yeah, we’ve seen the teasers before.

2) Turkish coffee is lethal. Basically it’s made the way Lynn’s doing the espresso here. But it’s more refined than espresso so this stuff would have impurities like stink.

3) Natural upshot of Lynn’s C science average, Jane’s retelling of the taffeta comment from Esteemsters and Daria’s retelling of events from "The Lab Brat".

4) Natural upshot of her nightmare in "Many Are Culled" followed by the events of "Miss Conception".

5) Fine, I was raised by Trekkies and I wasn’t supposed to quote Bones?

6) In "Rue Britannia", we find out how Lynn helped Trent write a song entitled "Death To The Techno-Weasels" in dubious homage to AP winning the affections of fair Daria.

7) My homage to "Lane Miserables". Could YOU live with the Lanes for extended periods?

8) Read "The Parent Crap" for the full details on this.

9) Lynn mentions this book in "Run Away From Homecoming" – full title is "Hideaway – Places to Stash Incriminating Evidence That Even FBI Agents Wouldn’t Suspect!"

10) Jodie Abigail Landon is freed from the hopeless quest for perfection in "Grating Expectations"

11) We meet ‘Jan’ in "Rue Britannia". *shrug* The description of a ‘crash-out’ has been edited for fear the full description might warp the minds of the fragile. I have weird friends.

12) Another "Rue" reference. Daria and Lynn get into a drinking competition to try to establish a difference between them. It came out in a tie.

13) One of the few books in Quinn’s room as seen in "The Daria Diaries".

14) Nearly direct quote from "Gifted". Quinn’s comeuppance for the "cousin" cracks.

15) As first mentioned WAY back in "A Meeting Of The Brains", Lynn has an academic interest in pain. She’d be a complete sadist if it was worth the effort.

16) This is the statement that really narks Daria in "The Misery Chick".

17) Anyone recall the fuss Lynn put up about loaning AP her Merc in "Mercedes Bends"?

18) Ted "The New Kid" DeWitt-Clinton is Quinn’s new boyfriend and persona non grata at the Morgendorffer household due to Jake’s continuing belief that he is in a cult.

19) Carol McIntyre, as we see in "A Hard Day’s Write", is a somewhat vague individual. We blame it on the hinted Valium problem.

20) I FINALLY got to use the Dead Parrot sketch! Monty Python is damn cool…

21) Ben Yee uses this as Quinn’s callsign in "The Flight Of The Misery Chick". Thanks, Ben.

22) I didn’t realise when I was writing this, but Kevin gives an adequate explanation of this game in "The Daria Hunter".

23) This was Quinn’s catchphrase to Daria in "Speedtrapped". And they DID get Ms Li arrested in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

24) Another "Rue" reference. It had to come out sometime…

25) This was in "Love Him Or Leave Him". Plastic barnyard animals, one water balloon and a French Taunter imitation.

26) "Mercedes Bends". Quinn kind of critiques AP’s look.

27) The running gag from "The Daria Hunter".


PROTECTIVE STATEMENT

Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company (created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn). Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I’ve credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don’t sue me – it’s not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic (tell me where it is, though, please) but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I’ll call lawyers.