(Scene: outside the Dewitt-Clinton house. Music: "The Memory Remains" – Metallica. Quinn is standing in front of it, wearing her pink cardigan outfit.² She watches the corn in the front garden waving in the breeze for a moment, then sighs and walks towards the house. She stops and looks at the front door for a moment like she wants to run away, then rings the bell.)


(Scene: Skunk’s of Carter County³ – use your imagination. Music plays on. AP and Lynn are setting up some audio recording equipment. The place is otherwise empty.)

Lynn: Remind me again why I’m here?

AP: Since you don’t have that crush on Little Drummer Boy anymore … I figure your weakness for lost causes.⁴

Lynn: (scowl) I don’t want to talk about that. And anyway, Mystik Spiral’s not that bad. (AP snickers. Lynn fakes a punch at him.) Oh, shut up.

AP: Hey, Purple Peril … why don’t you ever go up on stage with these guys?

Lynn: Shut up.

AP: You remember what they said in TWANG magazine while we were in London about Trent’s vocal ability and lyrics⁵. You could really help these guys.

Lynn: Shut UP.

(Enter Daria and Jane. They look from AP, who looks confused and earnest, to Lynn, who looks murderous)

Jane: Ah, the active volcanoes strike again⁶.

Lynn: Straight to hell with you, Lane. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Daria: Where are the guys?

AP: They’re unloading stuff.

Jane: Oh, then don’t expect them here any time soon. Trent got a new guitar and he’s drooling over it.

Lynn: (wistful) Yeah, I’ve seen it. Not much to look at, but great sound.

AP: And I bet you’d just LOVE to try it out.

(Lynn glares at him and walks away. Daria and Jane look at each other, eyebrows raised – "Excuse me?")


(Scene: DeWitt-Clinton dining room. The DeWitt-Clintons, plus Quinn, are eating grilled vegetables and couscous in grim silence. Leslie DeWitt and Grant Clinton are glaring slightly at Quinn. Ted and Quinn look nervous. Finally, Quinn speaks.)

Quinn: Um … why’s your sofa made of logs?⁷

(Leslie and Grant glare a little harder. Ted swallows nervously. Quinn, catching the glances, looks sheepish in a "well, can’t take it back NOW" way.)


(Scene: Skunk’s of Carter County, backstage. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing by Lynn’s recording equipment. The sound of rowdy drinkers is heard out of shot.)

Lynn: So tonight’s the night for Narcissa, huh?

Daria: Yes. Today she meets the parents. She’s finally facing up to the fact that a guy she’s dating has a life beyond her. (beat) I just wonder what they’re going to feed her.

Lynn: I don’t think that’s worth speculating about.

Daria: (nervous) Lynn?

Lynn: Yallo…

Daria: What are AP’s parents like?

Lynn: Well … Fred seems constantly exasperated and Carol’s a little vague. Good people all around, though. (beat) You thinking of following in your sister’s footsteps?

Daria: Well…

(A guitar twang is heard, and the rowdy drinkers’ noises resolve into a cheer.)

Trent: (OS) We’re Mystik Spiral … but we’re thinking of changing the name.

Jane: (raised eyebrow) I don’t believe he still says that.

(Cut to the stage, where Trent and co. have just started in on "Behind My Eyelids". The crowd starts booing after the first chord.)

Trent: As darkness grows; I see my woes
spread out like a carpet of bugs…
In absence of light; pass visions of night
And shallow graves left halfway dug…
Behind my eyelids…

Male voice: (OS) HEY, GET A LIFE YOU MOPEY LOSER!

(A chair leg flies out of the crowd. It hits Trent in the jaw and he goes down. Cut to shocked, frightened looks on the faces of Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP.)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison; stunned sarcasm) Tough room.

(Lynn rushes out onto the stage, closely followed by Daria, Jane and AP. Cut to the stage, where Jesse is keeping some angry-looking punk type from climbing up on stage. The punk moves to hit Jesse and Jesse blocks, then hits back. The punk slithers to the floor.)

Jesse: NOT cool, man.

(The gang is watching Trent as he goes to put a hand to his jaw and then grasps his wrist with his other hand, wincing and moaning in pain. Lynn unfastens the guitar strap and takes it from him gently, then helps him to his feet. Nick moves to join them, looking panicked.)

Nick: We’ve got a problem. Skunk kicked out the guy who threw that thing at Trent, but the rest of them are threatening to riot if they don’t get their gig.

Lynn: (sigh) Someone up there is really against me, aren’t they.

Nick: What?

Lynn: Never mind. What music do you guys play when you’re not playing your own stuff?

Nick: Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam…

Lynn: (sarcastic) Grunge LIVES! (sigh) Daria, you and Jane get Trent to a hospital.

(As she speaks, she refastens the guitar strap and slings it over her shoulder with a resigned look. Daria and Jane stare.)

Jane: What are YOU going to do?

Lynn: (shrug) "Smells Like Teen Spirit", more than likely.

(She shoos them away and they go, half-dragging Trent behind them.)


(Scene: outside the Dewitt-Clinton house. The front door opens and Quinn steps out. She walks slowly up the walk and onto the sidewalk. She pauses for a moment when she gets there and beams.)

Quinn: YES!


(Scene: the SUV. Daria driving, Jane sitting in the back seat with a worried look.)

Jane: I wish we hadn’t left him there.

Daria: He’s in good hands, Jane. They need to keep him under observation. And we had to get Lynn – there’s no telling what that crowd did to her.

(Long shot of the SUV driving on into the night.)


(Scene: Skunk’s, exterior. Daria and Jane step out of the SUV and hear a great deal of noise coming from inside.)

Daria: Maybe that’s a good thing.

Jane: Since when did YOU become Ms Ray of Optimistic Sunlight?

Daria: Do YOU want to voice the alternative?

(pause)

Jane: Maybe that IS a good thing.


(Scene: Skunk’s, interior. Daria and Jane barge in and hear yelling and clapping as Mystik Spiral play a surprisingly good rendition of Therapy’s "Screamager". Lynn’s holding her own. The others look a little stunned but are at least managing to keep up.)

Lynn: (singing) Your beauty makes me feel alone
I look inside but no one’s home..

Lynn & Jesse: (in harmony) Screw that; forget about that
I don’t wanna think about anything like that.
Screw that; forget about that
I don’t wanna know about anything like that

I’ve got nothing to do
But hang around and get screwed up on you

I’ve got nothing to do
But hang around and get screwed up on you

(They break into an instrumental, and we cut to Daria and Jane, who finally stop staring at the stage and start staring at each other.)

Jane: Remember all those Olsen Twins cracks? (beat) I take ALL of them back.

(AP bounces over and drapes his arm over Daria’s shoulders.)

AP: You see? You SEE? TOLD you she couldn’t resist!

Daria: What are they still doing playing? Mystik Spiral was supposed to have finished their set by now.

AP: They wouldn’t let Purple Peril leave! Skunk finally offered them a lump sum to play the rest of the night!

Jane: She can really sing! But she said…

Daria: Oh, come on. Even *I* didn’t swallow that story she fed us about only being able to sing the Lumberjack Song.

(The music ends to a rousing cheer.)

Lynn: Thank you, Skunk’s! Good night!

(The crowd starts cheering, hoping for an encore, but the lights switch on, indicating a club owner who’s desperate to close. Daria, Jane and AP make their way backstage.)


(Scene: Skunk’s, backstage. Music: "Severed" by Kerbdog. Lynn is checking her recording equipment; Jesse, Nick and Max are hovering nearby.)

Lynn: Well, THAT ought to give me a few laughs when I’m old and grey and decrepit. And maybe now AP’ll finally get off my back about playing in public again.

Max: That was cool, Lynn! You are a TRUE criminale!

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) You have NO idea how right you are.

(Daria, Jane and AP come in as Nick speaks.)

Nick: So … you’re gonna keep playing with us until Trent heals up, right?

Lynn: Oh, no. My hair-waving days are over.

Jane: That was GREAT, Lynn!

Daria: Yeah. I didn’t know you could play like that. (beat) Or at all.

AP: Now try explaining to all these people why the hell you gave up the band.

Daria: You were in a band? I never saw you as the type.

Lynn: (sigh) Yeah, well, I was … when I was fifteen. (to AP) So were YOU, so you should be able to help tell this.⁸

(Flashback to a garage in Oakwood. A younger Lynn wearing a T-shirt that reads "Birth – School – Metallica – Death" is playing a guitar. A younger AP is sitting behind a drum kit, hammering away. A short, fat, dumpy blond boy plays a bass guitar and a small, dark-haired girl plays keyboards.)

Lynn: (VO from present) We were The Back Alley Namedroppers.

Daria: (VO from present) Sounds like a band that plays Sex Pistols covers at brewpubs.

Lynn: (VO from present) Yeah, I said that at the time, but AP was adamant.

(Scene shift to a school function. Preppy-looking kids stand in front of the stage, staring at the three scruffy kids playing onstage. Eventually, a formal-looking woman in a suit comes onstage and shakes her head at them.)

Lynn: (VO from present) We got a gig at a school dance and got kicked off by the principal halfway through our opening number.

AP: (VO from present) I guess the woman didn’t like thrash/Goth.

Lynn: (VO from present) Or lyrics telling her to go to hell…

AP: (VO from present) Oh yeah.

(Scene: A music classroom. Lynn, carrying a largish black case, is pretty much flung into the room by unseen hands and finds herself being stared at by a fairly large gathering of people bearing musical instruments. A teacher points out an empty chair and she goes to it; she opens her case when she gets there and pulls out an alto saxophone with a sigh.)

Lynn: (VO from present) Well, my guitar got confiscated and the band broke up on its own. My mother and the principal slung me into the marching band but I got the hell out when they decided to try a band reshuffle and giving me an instrument I couldn’t play⁹.

(Back to present.)

Lynn: And so here I am … the stage-phobic person you see before you today. (beat) So maybe you understand why I say that, though I was happy to step in and save the collective hindquarters of Mystik Spiral this time around, I will NOT be playing with you while Trent’s still healing. It goes against my principles.

Daria: People like us don’t have principles.

Lynn: When I say it goes against my principles, take it as read that I just don’t feel like it.

Max: Oh, come on, Lynn! Mystik Spiral has gigs lined up next week! And what about our weekly gig at McGrundy’s?

Lynn: (flat) Cancel.

Nick: Hey, the main reason we keep playing McGrundy’s is because we’re a tidy space-filler. If we cancel, they might not let us come back.

Lynn: This is a guilt-trip. Luckily, I have no conscience.

AP: You could finally get Lorna off your back about being onstage…

(Lynn glares at him … then sighs with resignation.)


END ACT 1 –ADVERTS [Lead-in – a resigned Lynn slinging a guitar over her shoulder.]

AOL.com: Virtual-reality woman with big breasts telling just post-pubescent boy that it’s inexpensive to surf the Internet. Are we appealing to the ones who swipe their father’s credit cards and upload porn? With the bust on the woman in that advert, there must be plenty of 14-year-olds getting off on the ad alone…

Miniature Heroes: Man is standing in the middle of a vast empty barren plain. All of a sudden, people surround him, cheer for him and steal his chocolate. When the barrel is empty, they go away. Now, does that make ANY damn sense?

ACT 2
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake is glowering at Quinn, who still looks ecstatically happy. Helen looks interested and Daria looks like she’s trying very hard not to hear any of this.)

Quinn: So they really LIKED me and said that I could come over any TIME! (beat) I know they were, like, REALLY nasty when they talked to you and for awhile I thought they weren’t even going to TALK to me at all but then I asked them why their furniture was handmade and they told me all about how bad buying things was and even though I didn’t, like, BELIEVE that, I just smiled and nodded and then later Ted told me that he does the same THING now!¹⁰

Jake: I don’t like you hanging around with those Commie weirdoes, Quinn. They’ll mess with your mind!

Daria: Well, that would be a challenge...

Helen: DARIA! (to Jake) Jake, honey, simmer down. I think it’s WONDERFUL that Quinn’s finally … found someone she wants to see exclusively for awhile.

Quinn: Exactly!

Jake: I don’t like it. I just don’t like it, I tell you! (stabs fork into lasagne)

Daria: Well, I don’t like school either, but if I have to put up with that, you have to put up with this. (Jake glares at her; thought VO) God, I wish I could fold napkins into artistic shapes.¹¹

Helen: (desperate change of subject) So, Daria, when are you going to be meeting YOUR boyfriend’s parents?

Daria: (blush) Um … no plans have as yet been made regarding the date of that event.

Quinn: Oh, come ON, Daria! It’s not hard at ALL! Don’t be so TIMID! (Daria glares at Quinn, who doesn’t notice.) Anyway, so can we plant an herb garden? Ted says it’s like, really useful and stuff to have fresh herbs growing and some are good for cooking and they’re not so good freeze-dried and some are even good for your SKIN! Did you know that camomile was an herb?

(Daria and Helen sigh in unison. Jake glares.)


(Scene: Trent’s room. Trent is sprawled out on the bed, wrist wrapped in an Ace bandage, looking bored. Enter evasive Jane.)

Jane: Hey, how’re you feeling?

Trent: Well, the new wires on my jaw help … but still no singing for awhile. And no guitar for a couple of weeks. (beat) How are the guys? I mean … you told them?

Jane: (evasive) Yeah.

Trent: Hope they’re not too bummed about missing the gigs we’ve had lined up.

Jane: (reluctant) Actually…

(The opening riffs from Coal Chamber’s "El Cu Cuy" rattle the house. Trent looks shocked.)

Jane: …Lynn’s taking over until you’re better.


(Scene: Lane basement. Mystik Spiral is thrashing out "El Cu Cuy". Trent staggers down the stairs with Jane at his heels; they stop halfway down. Lynn is too involved in playing to notice their arrival. Then something goes wrong and Max and Nick stop playing and start yelling at each other. Lynn and Jesse stop as well and watch.)

Nick: You lost the beat, man! What’s WRONG with you?

Max: I did NOT! YOU were the one going off, Nick!

Nick: I was NOT!

Max: Yes you were!

Nick: Was NOT!

Max: You WERE! *I* was right on the beat, man!

Nick: You were NOT!

Max: I WAS!

Nick: WASN’T!

Max: WAS!

Lynn: BING! Good morning!

(They all stare at Lynn.)

Jesse: What?

Lynn: That’s it; good morning. If you want to continue this argument, you’re going to have to pay for another five minutes.¹² (beat) Anyway, you were BOTH off.

Max: But…

Lynn: (fed up) SHUT UP. Look, you guys are going to have to work together if you want this band to work – BOTH of you.

Max: But … I’m a CRIMINALE… I live on the EDGE!

Lynn: (sharp) And you wouldn’t survive on that edge for five minutes without Trent, Jesse and Nick to back you up. Max … you’ve heard of Bonnie and Clyde? Jake and Elwood? Mickey and Mallory? REAL criminales work best with partners in crime. For example – who among you remembers Ms Li? (hate-filled, frightened silence. Lynn gives a smug Mona Lisa smile) Well, the criminale standing before you got her arrested, with help.¹³

(Stunned, awe-struck silence.)

Jesse: Cool.

Lynn: I couldn’t have done it without Daria, Jane and AP. The information I had was useless without their help. I nearly got expelled because of that.¹⁴ (beat) So you see the importance of teamwork?

Nick & Max: (in unison; sheepish) Yes…

Lynn: Good. Now Max; keep a steady rhythm. Try not to go overboard on the solos. We need you to anchor us. But Nick, if he DOES lose it a bit in a solo, keep steady and lead him back. Are we clear?

Nick & Max: (in unison; sheepish) Yes…

Lynn: Good. Now let’s try it again.

(Jane and Trent come down the stairs. Lynn surreptitiously stuffs her hands into her pockets.)

Trent: Hey.

Nick: Hey, man, sorry if we’re invading or that but we just REALLY needed a place to practice.

Trent: Hey, it’s cool. (beat; to Lynn) Hey, you can play. And you got Nick and Max to stop fighting.

Max: You haven’t heard her SING yet! And some of the lyrics she was showing us! She REALLY… (notices the hurt look on Trent’s face) kicks…

Trent: Can I hear this?

Lynn: (sigh) Oh, GOD…

Max: Hey, yeah! Let’s play "Denied" for him!

Lynn: (trapped) But we’ve barely PRACTICED yet!

Jesse: It’ll be cool. We’d hardly practised "Spite" the first time around either.

Lynn: (furious) NO! (beat; slightly calmer) We play something we’ve practised, or we don’t … play … at ALL. Do you get me?

Jesse, Nick & Max: (subdued) Okay…

Max: How about finishing up El Cu Cuy? That’s a song for a TRUE criminale!

Lynn: (seesaw hand motion) Eh … I haven’t got AP to work out the effects pedals for new Coal Chamber yet. How about something you guys know? Um … How about "Jeremy"?

Jesse/Nick/Max: Cool/Sure/All RIGHT!

(And they crank into their version of Pearl Jam’s "Jeremy". A note to the reader – Lynn’s an adequate guitar player – nothing flashy or spectacular. Her voice is better than her playing – she has vocal range and a fair bit of power – but she’s not superb. Bits in italics are where Jesse sings harmony or, if in brackets, as an echo.)

Lynn: (singing) At home drawing pictures of mountaintops
With him on top; lemon yellow sun
Arms raised in a V
And the dead lay in pools of maroon below
Daddy didn’t give attention
To the fact that Mommy didn’t care
King Jeremy the wicked ruled his world

Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today

Clearly I remember picking on the boy
Seemed a harmless little f***
Ooh but we unleashed a lion
Gnashed his teeth and bit the recess lady’s breast
How could I forget
Then he hit me with a surprise left
My jaw left hurting; dropped right open
Just like the day; oh like the day I heard
Daddy didn’t give affection
And the boy was something that Mommy wouldn’t wear
King Jeremy the wicked ruled his world

Jeremy spoke in class today
Jeremy spoke in class today

Try to forget this (try to forget this)
Try to erase this (try to erase this)
From the blackboard

(Repeat chorus and end with all appropriate vocal effects. When Lynn holds that one note after the final chorus, Trent swallows nervously. There is a silence as Lynn quickly disengages her hands from the guitar and shoves them into her pockets.)

Lynn: (shaky) Blows, right?

Trent: Nah. That was great. I can never get that kind of vocal power. (beat) And I don’t think I could hit some of those notes.

Lynn: (flustered) Um…

Trent: (forced cheery) I’ll let you guys practice. Later.

(Trent shuffles back up the stairs. Jane glares at Lynn and then follows. Lynn looks ashamed. Nick and Max look unfazed, but Jesse has a look of mildly confused guilt.)

Nick: Hey, can we do that again? I really want to do that at McGrundy’s tomorrow!

(Lynn sighs and takes up the guitar again.)


(Scene: Lane house, exterior. Music: "Stabbed In The Back", Terrorvision. Lynn, Jesse, Nick and Max are standing outside.)

Nick: You sure we shouldn’t get in a few more hours?

Lynn: Unfortunately, I am still immersed in that rite of passage known as high school. They try me with plagues of, not locusts, but homework assignments. One day I will negotiate the final test of humiliation known to most as a graduation ceremony and then I will be free … and not before. (beat) Sorry, guys. This is why you don’t want a high school student in your band.

(Lynn takes off glasses, puts on helmet, replaces glasses through visor, shuts visor, gets on Amethyst and roars off.)

Jesse: Hey. Cool kid.

Nick: Hey, yeah, she really socked it to Skunk when he asked us to stay on. We wouldn’t have got half what we got if she hadn’t been there.

Max: Dunno, guys … I see real criminale potential with that one, high school kid or not. I mean, how hard can it be to get around homework?

Jesse: What?

Nick: I think he’s trying to say that … aw, man, if only TRENT could sing like that! I mean, we go WAY back, but…

Jesse: (suspicious and unhappy) Hey, Nick…

Max: Hey, we have a few more weeks before we have to say anything, but … I’d REALLY like to see Mystik Spiral get her on board.

(They start pile into the Tank and it drives away … and the camera pans up to see a VERY morose looking Trent, who’s obviously seen and heard the whole thing.)


(Scene: McGrundy’s pub. Music plays on. Daria is standing next to an irate Jane.)

Daria: I don’t believe she got us in here. I have GOT to read more of those "1001 Ways to Manipulate…" books¹⁵. (notices Jane seething) What’s with YOU?

Jane: I just don’t like to see Lynn taking Trent’s place, is all.

Daria: It’s not like she’s enjoying it or anything, Jane. She’s just doing it as a favour.

Jane: (disbelieving chuckle) If you say so…

(Lynn steps on stage. She is wearing her biker leathers and a Coal Chamber hockey shirt with what are probably prescription sunglasses. On her hands are a pair of black leather gloves.)

Lynn: Hello, drunkards, miscreants and all-around music lovers! THEY are Mystik Spiral – I’m just their sex toy.

(The crowd cheers and laughs)

Jane: (sarcastic) Nope; hating every MINUTE of this, isn’t she?

(Daria rolls her eyes.)


(Scene: McGrundy’s, external. Music plays on. Lynn, still in her onstage outfit, walks up to a coolly impressed Daria and a seething Jane.)

Lynn: (hesitant) So … what’d you think?

Daria: The covers were good. And I really liked some of the lyrics you were coming out with in the original stuff. They kind of … I don’t know … screamed along with the music.

Lynn: Yeah, that was what I was HOPING for, but you never know. (beat) Jane?

(Close-up of Jane, who looks livid.)

Jane: (hiss) Yeah. Great.

(Lynn looks surprised. Daria rolls her eyes again.)

END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Trent looking out his window at the retreating Tank, looking miserable.]

Revlon: I THINK it’s Revlon, anyway. Shania Twain dancing around in an admittedly gorgeous costume, acting as a dual commercial for the makeup and for herself. But does anyone REALLY believe that a few cosmetics of a particular brand can produce the effect of some very good genetics and about two hours’ work by a professional makeup artist?

Marks & Spencer Ready Meals: I don’t care HOW good a reputation Marks and Sparks has. No pre-prepared microwaveable ready meal would ever be mistaken for home-cooked food.

ACT 3
(Montage sequence. Music: "Might Be Stars" by the Wannadies.

Lynn’s room. She looks at her computer, then at her hands – still gloved. She sighs and crosses the room, picks up her guitar case and leaves.

Trent’s room. Trent looks sadly at his guitar, then at a CD – close up view shows it as the Mystik Spiral demo. He sighs and tosses it under his bed.

English class. Lynn is sitting at her desk, not reading or writing, just staring in front of her with her hands – still in gloves – folded on the desk in front of her. Daria and AP look at her strangely.

Grubby club. Mystik Spiral is onstage, and Lynn looks to be enjoying herself. Pan to a table, where Daria, Jane, Trent and AP are sitting. Daria looks coolly impressed and AP looks ecstatic but Trent looks miserable and Jane, upon seeing her brother’s expression, looks bitterly at the stage.

English classroom. Lynn asleep at her desk. Her hands are still gloved. Daria and AP are looking at her with concern.

Trent’s room. Trent opens his closet door a crack and clothes seem to try to escape. He kicks them back in and shoves his guitar in after it. Then he struggles to close the door. Pan to the door of his room, where Jane stands looking sad.

LHS corridor. Lynn, still gloved, walks up to Daria and Jane. Jane shoots Lynn a dirty look, which takes Lynn aback. She walks away. Daria looks sternly at Jane.)

Montage ends as we cut to scene: Lawndale street. Music: "I Hope You Die" – The Bloodhound Gang. Daria and Jane are walking home. Jane still looks angry.)

Daria: I don’t see why this bothers you so much.

Jane: Daria, it’s really getting to Trent. I mean … fine, WE can tease him about his singing … even LYNN can tease him about his singing … but we don’t do it like we MEAN it!

Daria: I don’t recall hearing her tease Trent. She’d done a lot for the band even before Trent got hurt – fixing the Tank and getting them to London…

Jane: True… But she IS showing him that there are people out there BETTER than him!

Daria: Doesn’t he know that anyway? Whenever he walks into a music store he’s shown that there are people out there better than him. (beat) Making more money than him, anyway.

Jane: Yeah, but… that’s strangers! When it’s Lynn, running his band better than he can…

Daria: Jane, I doubt it’s personal. Does she even realise that this is affecting Trent?

Jane: He hasn’t said anything, so no, but ... he keeps giving his guitar this WISTFUL look, like he’s never gonna see it again. He shoved it in his CLOSET the other day – and that closet EATS things, I SWEAR! (beat) She’s killing his dream, Daria!

Daria: Jane, I think you’re overreacting. Maybe having a little competition will encourage Trent to work harder. And anyway, it’s not exactly Lynn’s fault if she can sing.

(pause; Jane’s face softens)

Jane: (sigh) Aw, hell. This means eating a big helping of crow and apologising, doesn’t it?

Daria: Not as such. She might do something you’d regret. Just lay off. (beat) Anyway, the way she’s been lately, she might not even have noticed.

(Jane sighs.)


(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music plays on. Trent sitting at the table, looking peeved. Lynn enters.)

Trent: (bitter) Hey. You and YOUR band can use the basement here as long as you want.

Lynn: (confused) Excuse me?

Trent: They want to replace me.

Lynn: (firm) Well, they can’t. If it involves playing, I’m not going to do it, end of story.

Trent: You’re giving up the band for me? I mean, you obviously like doing this…

Lynn: (sarcastic) Oh, don’t we like ourselves. I’m NOT giving up the band for you. I’m giving up the GUITAR, and I’m doing it for ME.

Trent: I don’t follow. You’re doing really well…

(She pulls off one of her gloves. We now see why she’s been wearing them – her fingers are all bandaged. Some of the bandages are stained with fresh blood.)

Lynn: Oh, yeah. Great, right? (beat) No calluses. And no time to build them the way these guys are pushing me. I won’t be able to type for weeks and I may be doing myself permanent damage. I’m not playing for Mystik Spiral anymore. They want a guitarist, they go to you.

Trent: The guys will be disappointed. They’ve been doing a lot better since you fronted.

Lynn: That’s only the novelty of a woman fronting. God, even Tura Satana had a vogue on that basis.

Trent: You sing better than I do. You’ve got stronger lungs and more vocal power than I’ll ever have.

Lynn: (blush) Um … look, that that’s not your fault and it doesn’t matter anyway. I just wanted to let you know I was stepping down after you’ve healed up. I’ll see you around, Trent.

(She turns to go, and Trent looks a bit sad. Then an idea strikes.)

Trent: Hey, Lynn! Hold up! (Lynn turns back to look at him.) Make you a proposition.

Lynn: I think we’ve had quite enough of THAT, don’t you¹⁶? (Trent blushes. Lynn smirks at him and sits down again.) Sorry. Shouldn’t joke. I’m listening.


(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Music: "Epic" by Faith No More)

Daria: (OS; stunned) WHAT?


(Scene: Daria’s room. Music plays on. Daria is staring incredulously at Lynn. AP is grinning and Jane has a semi-smirk on her face.)

Lynn: I didn’t make any promises. (beat; to their looks) I mean, other than that one.¹⁷

Daria: (slight pause) You’re going to MANAGE Mystik Spiral?

Jane: Why not? It’s not like THEY’VE been doing a great job.

Daria: And then, if that wasn’t enough, you’re considering joining the band as their singer?

AP: What’s wrong with THAT? I mean, unlike some, SHE doesn’t sound like she’s got a throat full of gravel!

Lynn: (sigh) Look, it was the best compromise anyone could come up with. We talked to the guys and they agreed that, while Trent’s playing could conceivably improve, his singing voice is kind of a lost cause. Additionally – and I’m not sure how to take this next statement – they figured they needed someone really smart and equally devious to manage the band. So…

Jane: (mischievous) You could all make some BEAUTIFUL music together!

(Lynn, Daria AND AP glare at Jane, who looks startled. Each notices the others’ reactions and look puzzled.)

Daria: (sigh) So we on (finger quotes) ‘the list’ for the next gig?

Lynn: No … you’re on (finger quotes) ‘the list’ for ALL of them, as far as I’m concerned.

Jane: Hey! This situation has perks!

(AP and Daria look like they might argue with that statement, but quickly check their facial expressions.)

AP: Hey, Erudite Emerald; mind if I show you off to the ‘rents? Dinner at my house in a few days, maybe?

Daria: (slightly too forceful) Sure.

(Jane and Lynn look at Daria curiously, then shrug.)

Jane: (hopeful) So, you going to costume them? Need a commercial artist on retainer? You know, album covers, T-shirts, tour posters?

Lynn: Let’s not get carried away. It’s not an issue until Trent heals. And even then I’d settle for getting them a gig that pays more than twenty bucks and the right to empty the kegs after closing…

(AP grins. Jane smirks. Daria smiles a Mona Lisa smile, if slightly reluctantly.)


A WORD OF THANKS

This fic was nearly the end of me; 10 rewrites total. I almost tried to manage the series without it, but I persevered – not only did the story demand it (it was the only way I could think of to get around Trent’s weak vocals and get Mystik Spiral anywhere), but so did the character (there are a lot of things Lynn’s not good at, and you’ll soon see exactly what those are). But I couldn’t have done this without Kara Wild, whose fic "Erin The Head" gave me impetus to put a new face in the vocalist position of Mystik Spiral, and my own Little Welsh Boy, who was patient when I ranted about what songs should go where and how I should keep Lynn from sounding like some sort of diva. Thanks to you both.

ENDNOTES

1) The new opening sequence is entirely comprised of teasers from my new season.

2) We see this outfit not only in the opening sequence, but in "Quinn-tessence" – Quinn changes her look to appease Ted’s parents. Yes, as of "Love Him or Leave Him", she’s dating Ted.

3) Skunk’s of Carter County is shown in "The Daria Database" – "Don’t stare at Skunk’s hair. He gets angry."

4) I toyed with the idea of Lynn having a crush on Max in "A Meeting of the Brains", but after "Lady and the Tank", I realised she thought he was a whiny moron so I dropped the idea.

5) Mystik Spiral toured London’s Camden grunge bar circuit in "Rue Britannia". They were reviewed and it was NOT complimentary.

6) AP describes Lynn’s ‘emotional landscape’ as containing "some EXTREMELY active volcanoes" in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

7) We see that in "The New Kid".

8) Another minor look at the Oakwood years – Lynn and AP have known each other for over a decade and have got into some serious mischief along the way.

9) We find out about Lynn’s marching band purgatory in "Grating Expectations" and it’s mentioned again in "Rue Britannia".

10) In "The New Kid", Lesley Dewitt and Graham Clinton paid a visit to the Morgendorffers to try to prevent the corruption of their son. Oops. Too late.

11) In "Lane Miserables", Jane distracts one of Jake’s rages with napkin origami. "Look! A ducky!"

12) The Argument Sketch – Monty Python. Classic stuff. Lynn’s a Monty Python fan, and I’ve been reminded very strongly of that fact recently. Hi, Austin!

13) "The Flack-Jacket Mafia". Ah, those were the days.

14) "Swear To Be Different". When Austin Loomis was doing the adaptations, he needed some help coming up with why Lynn didn’t use the scheme she came up with for TFJM in STBD or Poetic Injustice. Consider this homage.

15) We first see these gems of literary genius in "Run Away From Homecoming". They have come in VERY useful since.

16) Lynn and Trent were *ahem* intimate in "Rue Britannia". Drunken fling that caused panic in my fic "Miss Conception". It is not something that Lynn wants mentioned.

17) Daria said this in "Arts ‘N Crass". People seem to like it when Lynn expresses herself in a Daria-esque way. I also managed to slip in a "jinx" – which is how I’m referring to when Daria and Lynn say the same thing at the same time. People seem to like that too.

PROTECTIVE STATEMENT

Daria Morgendorffer and related characters from the show were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by and copyrighted to MTV, a Viacom company. They are used without permission but don’t sue me – it’s not worth the hassle given my income. I’m legally protected by Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, incidentally. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, however, are the creation and property of Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson and anyone who would wish to borrow the latter characters must ask first or face being pecked to death by the nastiest city pigeons I can lay hands on. I hereby give permission for anyone to archive "The Look-Alike Series" provided I am given all due credit for writing it and it is freely available on a non-profit basis, but I would appreciate it if you could send me the URL so little bits of my personality aren’t floating around the Net unchecked. Damage control is a must.