(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "Making Plans For Nigel" - Pitchshifter. Brooke and that annoying one from "The Invitation" – I think people call her Tori so I’ll stick with that – are sitting at a table.)

Brooke: So tell me again about the Fashion Club?

Tori: Well, like, the first thing you’ve gotta know is that there was a vendetta. President versus vice-president, all for the title of Teen Queen Most Popular. And then all of a sudden … QUINN fell in LOVE.²

(Tori points to a table nearby, where Ted and Quinn are laughing over something.)

Brooke: But isn’t he a GEEK?

Tori: Not THAT much of a geek. He’s actually kind of cool, in a weird sort of way. And when he hooked up with Quinn, his popularity skyrocketed. Not like that girl who lives with her, or whatever, who hooked up with THAT.

(Tori points to another nearby table, where Daria and AP are sitting with Lynn and Jane. They notice Tori and AP and Lynn go into a Kirk/Spock Star Trek act.)

Lynn: We are being scanned, Captain.

AP: Any life signs?

Lynn: None intelligent, Captain.

AP: Then they cannot be reasoned with.

Daria: What are you two doing?

AP: (ignoring her) Arm phasers…

(Back to Tori and Brooke, who are still talking.)

Brooke: (aghast) CHEERLEADING?

Tori: Well, I guess it was SOMETHING to do once the Fashion Club broke up. Stacy always reminded me of Brittany anyway, so I guess that’s okay, and she’s maintained popularity.³

(Back to Daria’s table. Lynn has a rubber band poised on her thumb and forefinger and ready to fire. Still Kirk/Spock. )

Lynn: Phasers armed, Captain.

AP: Steady as she goes…

Daria: You two aren’t going to…

(For reply, AP grins mischievously and Lynn gives a Mona Lisa smirk. Back to Tori’s table)

Tori: (scornful) Sandi was going to, like, dictate herself into an early GRAVE without Quinn, anyway.

Brooke: Worry lines… (shudder) But isn’t she still…

Tori: Still holding onto Tiffany with, like, an iron evening glove, or whatever.

(Back to Daria’s table. AP and Lynn still in Kirk/Spock mode.)

Lynn: Locked on target, Captain.

AP: On my mark…

Daria: This is juvenile…

Jane: Not to mention a waste of a rubber band…

AP: FIRE!

(Lynn releases the rubber band, which hits Tori in the ear. Tori screams and turns to Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP, who have contrived to look up in fake alarm at Tori’s scream. Then they shrug, the picture of casual innocence, and go back to their food.)

Daria: That was a pointless waste of time.

Lynn: Not pointless. I like to consider it a blow against the remaining fashion airheads of the school.

AP: And anyway, THAT was a facial expression Art-Smart Scarlet couldn’t resist painting. So not pointless at all!

Jane: He has a point.

(Jane and Lynn smirk. AP grins. Daria looks at them for a moment and then sighs.)

Daria: I hate being seventeen going on thirty.


(Scene: LHS hallway. Quinn is at her locker, collecting books. Ted walks up a little nervously.)

Ted: Hi, Quinn…

Quinn: Oh, HI, Ted! How’s everything?

Ted: Pretty good. I … I …

Quinn: Yes…

Ted: I … (takes refuge in antiquity) I come bearing a message of great import!

(He bows, taking off an imaginary hat. Quinn giggles.)

Ted: My esteemed parents request an audience with your divine self! I hereby beseech your presence at a feast held in your honour this Saturday.

Quinn: (ecstatic) Of COURSE! Wow, I’ve never MET a guy’s PARENTS before! That’s, like, a REALLY big step and stuff!

Ted: (grin) Dinner at eight. (grin dies; now nervously) Um … Quinn … I don’t know how to say this…

Quinn: (equally nervous) What?

Ted: I don’t know how well my parents would take to … (gestures at Quinn’s clothes)

Quinn: (aghast) But what’s WRONG with me?

Ted: Nothing! Nothing! It’s just … um … my parents are kind of … old-fashioned. I mean, *I* know that you’re really nice and not really shallow but my parents…⁴

Quinn: (panicked) They’ll hate me because of my CLOTHES? Oh, my GOD! I … I … I’ll see you later.

(Quinn dashes away. Ted looks hangdog for a moment, then shuts her locker for her and walks off.)


(Scene: Lynn’s room. Music: "Opal Mantra" by Therapy. Daria and Jane are looking over Lynn’s shoulder as she types away on IRC.)

Lynn: (muttering as she types) /me groans in utter disgust…

Daria: Um … I really don’t think I want to know.

Jane: Who’s aitrent?

Lynn: A ‘bot. Jan explained this to me. Basically virtual parrots.

Daria: Why’s he eating puppies?

Lynn: Never mind. She’s not in anyway. I just went on to train aitrent to detail what Mi-Go would like to do with the nearest zoo’s orang-utan. (beat; to their confused looks) He gave Jan a hard time last weekend.⁵

(Daria and Jane nod in understanding. Lynn logs off.)

Lynn: So your sister REALLY wants lessons in how to maximise her extortion skills?⁶

Daria: Evidently. (beat) She kind of yelled at me to bring you over to the house. (beat) I’d normally keep her hanging, but this actually sounded important for once.

Jane: What makes you think THAT?

Daria: She said ‘please’.

(The three share a look.)

Lynn: That IS serious.


(Scene: hallway outside Quinn’s room. Music plays on. Daria, Jane and Lynn approach , but stop outside the door as they hear wailing from inside.)

Quinn: (OS, despairing) Too short … too low … too tight … oh, GOD, what was I THINKING? … Ewww…

Lynn: (scornful) This is a WARDROBE emergency? (beat) I feel cheapened.

Jane: If she asks me for more makeup tips, I’m out the door, Daria.

Daria: Fair enough.

(She opens the door … and then is hit in the face with a deep pink dress.)

Quinn: (OS) ARGH! My whole WARDROBE is wrong!

Daria: (muffled) Rose-coloured lenses are one thing, but I balk at this.


(Scene: Quinn’s room. Music: "Last Cup of Sorrow" - Faith No More. The place looks like a bomb hit it. Clothes are everywhere. Quinn is sitting on the floor in a pile of fashion must-haves, looking miserable. Lynn sits on the bed. The other two stand there warily.)

Lynn: (to Daria and Jane) I cannot teach her. The girl has no backbone.⁷

Quinn: (desperate) You HAVE to help me! I have GOT to go shopping! It’s life and DEATH!

Daria: So much for the leopard changing its spots…

Quinn: DARIA! Spots are so last year! STRIPES are the thing now!

Daria: Look … and I know I’ll regret asking this, but … what’s wrong with the clothes you already have?

Quinn: They’re too … too … (sniffles)

Daria: Outdated?

Jane: Much like something you saw Sandi in last week?

Lynn: (snide) Cheap, tawdry and revealing?

Quinn: (sobbing) THAT one! What SHE said! (points at Lynn)

(Daria, Jane and Lynn share an "Oh, my GOD…" look.)

Daria: (concerned) Quinn … are you feeling all right?

Jane: (thoughtful) Maybe you should open a window or something next time you do your hair.

Lynn: (epiphany) You’re going to meet his parents, aren’t you?

Quinn: (astonished) How did you KNOW?

Lynn: Just because I’m anti-fashion, brainy and somewhat vicious doesn’t mean I’ve never been out with anyone. (musing) To this day, I still wonder if I drove AP’s mother to the Valium bottle…⁸ (Daria, Jane and Quinn look at her strangely. Dismissive) No, it was probably AP and I’m being paranoid. So, to the business at hand. You want money.

Quinn: (sniffle) Yes…

Lynn: Rule number one – crying rarely gets you anywhere in the extortion game. Save it for emotional blackmail, which is a last resort to say the least. Never give them the least cause to question your emotional strength, and NEVER cry wolf.

Quinn: (confused) But why would I want to do THAT? Fur is OVER now…

Lynn: (sigh) Rule number two – go with your strengths. In Daria’s case and mine, it would be raw intelligence. Jane … well, all Jane has to do is write out one of her parents’ blank cheques.⁹

Jane: (cheerful) It’s an easy life.

Quinn: But what do *I* do?

Daria: Use charm. That’s what you’re good at.

Lynn: She’s right. Hit your father first – his self-esteem could use a boost anyway. But DON’T try that on your mother.

Daria: As a lawyer, she can sense butt-kissing for personal gain VERY clearly.

Lynn: With her, try shading the truth. Tell her you’ve seen that you need to dress differently because you don’t want to distract yourself from your schoolwork. That should soften her up nicely.

Daria: Remember what you pulled that night I came home late. She wants us to be more like the other. If she thinks you’re trying to emulate me intellectually…

Quinn: What’s ‘emulate’?

Daria: (sigh) Never mind. Just try it.

Lynn: Both of you let me know how it goes. (beat) I might start doing infomercials.

(Lynn gets up and the three of them head for the door. Quinn stands.)

Quinn: WAIT! One more thing… (The three turn back reluctantly) I … I mean … I CAN’T be about to do this… (Daria, Jane and Lynn look at her impatiently) You three are, like, good at dressing dowdy.

(Daria, Jane and Lynn each raise an eyebrow.)

Daria: (sarcastic) Gee, thanks.

Quinn: But I’ve, like, got too much STYLE to figure this out. So … what do I BUY when I get this money?

(Daria, Jane and Lynn look at each other. Then they shrug. Then, without another word, they turn and walk out of the room.)

Quinn: (after them; sarcastic) Well, THAT was, like, really helpful and stuff! How rude can you GET?


END ACT 1 – START ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria getting hit in the face with a pink dress.]

Last Minute.com: "MOTHER! WHY ARE THE GOLDFISH DEAD?" is the best bit about this advert, basically telling you that all that unpleasant stuff we call everyday life can be completely eradicated through the drug-like after-effects of a overpriced last-minute shopping binge on the Internet.

Millennium Party Albums: Yes, they’re still going. Read my lips, music compilers: It’s over. And I wouldn’t have listened to Robbie Williams’ "Millennium" song during the party I was at even if I DID like it because my friends would have set me head first in sheep crap.

ACT 2


(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. TV plays in background. Jake drinking a beer and reading the paper. Quinn steps up and sits beside him, looking nervous. A voiceover plays in her head.)

Daria: (VO) Use charm. That’s what you’re good at.

(She sighs, and looks sidelong at Jake.)

Quinn: (VO) Calm down, Quinn. I mean, it’s just DAD! (beat) But he chased that AP guy with a GOLF CLUB!¹⁰ What if… No. Gotta do this. (aloud) Dad?

Jake: Hey, there, Kiddo!

Quinn: Um … don’t you usually call DARIA ‘Kiddo’?

Jake: Um … I DO, don’t I? Well, do you mind?

Quinn: (gritted teeth) Not really. (beat) Dad? You know, I really like your tie.

Jake: Really? I thought you hated my taste in ties!

Quinn: I … (sigh) Well, you can’t admit that your parents are COOL, Dad. I mean, that’s kind of not allowed for teenagers.

Jake: Oh, *I* hear you. (begin rant) MY father…

Quinn: Daddy … blood pressure! No stress, remember?

Jake: (mood swing) Right! So … you like the tie?

Quinn: (struggling) Yeah … it’s very … um … you!

Jake: (ruffles her hair) Gee, thanks, Kiddo!

(Quinn smoothes her hair down, eyes narrow. Then she sighs.)

Quinn: Daddy … you know I haven’t asked this in a really long time…

Jake: (beaming) I know what you’re going to say, Quinn … and sure!

Quinn: (beaming) Really?

Jake: Of COURSE you can have a hug! (grabs Quinn in a bear hug) What kind of father would I be if I denied a young, fragile soul a little affection? (lets go; begins rant again) YOU HEAR THAT, OLD MAN? I’M *BETTER* AT THIS PARENTING CRAP THAN YOU!

Quinn: Daddy! Blood pressure! (sigh; gives up) Thanks for the hug, though.

Jake: Anytime, Kiddo! Anytime at all!

(Quinn gets up, shoulders slumped. Then Jake calls out)

Jake: Hey, Quinn … I notice you haven’t gone shopping for awhile. Money a little tight?

Quinn: You could say that, yeah. (beat; honest) I’ve kind of been studying and I don’t want to be distracted by babysitting jobs or whatever and…

Jake: I’m really proud of the effort you’re putting in lately, Kiddo. (hauls out his wallet, hands over a few bills) Why don’t you pick yourself up something nice?

Quinn: (astonished) Oh … thank you, Dad! (takes bills, hesitates, then kisses him on the cheek) You’re the best!

(Quinn bounds away with Jake beaming after her. She stops outside the door.)

Quinn: (whisper) YES! (counts bills; disappointed) No…

(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen is working on her laptop. Quinn steps up nervously, voiceover playing in her head.)

Lynn: (VO) With her, try shading the truth. Tell her you’ve seen that you need to dress differently because you don’t want to distract yourself from your schoolwork.

Quinn: Mom?

Helen: (not looking up) Hmm?

Quinn: I … just looked in my closet and…

Helen: (still not looking up) We’ve had this conversation, Quinn. I think that you and Daria should learn the value of a dollar. You either make up the shortfall yourself or plan your outgoings more carefully in the future.¹¹

Quinn: (despairing) But I CAN’T! I…

Lynn: (VO) Rule number one – crying rarely gets you anywhere in the extortion game.

(Quinn collects herself.)

Quinn: (calm) But Mom, I don’t always have time to baby-sit or whatever. I’m really behind in my studies and I’m doing everything I can to catch up … which is why I want to go shopping anyway – I wanted to get an outfit or two that wouldn’t … um … call so much attention to my appearance. (mildly exasperated) Maybe then I’ll stop getting all those guys interfering with my studying by asking me to two-time my boyfriend.

(Helen has looked up by this point, and she looks coolly impressed.)

Helen: It sounds like you’ve really thought this out, Quinn.

Quinn: Well…

Helen: Let’s make a deal, Quinn. I let you have my gold card once every three months on the condition that you get total of three new outfits, two accessories.

Quinn: That sounds fair. (beat) Do we … I don’t know … shake on it or something?

Helen: (raised eyebrow) Maybe a hug. We’re family, after all.

(Helen gets up and Quinn reluctantly hugs her.)

Quinn: Thanks, Mom.

Helen: I assume you want it today?

Quinn: If you wouldn’t mind or anything…

Helen: Remember, not another word about this for another three months.

(Helen rummages through her bag and hands over the card.)

Quinn: (takes it) Thank you.

Helen: You’re welcome. And the stores close in (checks watch) about two hours, so you’d probably better hurry if you want to use that thing tonight. (beat; wary) You ARE going to be home for dinner, right?

Quinn: Probably. Thanks. (turns) Bye! (out)

(Helen shakes her head but smiles a little.)

Helen: They grow up eventually…


(Scene: Cashman’s, Cranberry Commons. Music: faceless mall muzak. Quinn is ambling through the racks, a bit depressed. Theresa approaches.)

Theresa: Quinn, how nice to see you again! We got a new shipment of baby T-shirts in and…

Quinn: Not today, thanks, Theresa. I’m looking for something a little more … um … demure? (Theresa looks shocked) Let’s see… (thoughtful; mostly to herself) Let’s see … what would a Daria with more style wear … (idea hits) Have you got a pencil and paper? Maybe I can draw you what I’m looking for…


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Salvation" - Fear Factory. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing by Jane’s locker.)

Lynn: Did you get any inkling as to how my reprogramming Narcissa worked?

Daria: Well, she went shopping last night, if that tells you anything.

AP: What’s this now?

Lynn: She wanted some extortion lessons. They seem to have been fruitful.

AP: This town is never going to be the same. (grin) Isn’t it GREAT to be evil?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Indeed… (beat) So anyway, what did she decide on in the end?

Jane: Yeah – did she find a fashionable alternative to corner-walker vogue?

Daria: She wouldn’t show anyone. I think she’s a little nervous about making her debut in the new clothes.

Jane: Well, so long as she passes this way. (whips out a camera; faces the odd stares of the others) What? I’ve GOT to get THIS for posterity…

(And Quinn walks past them. She is wearing an outfit that Daria or Lynn would probably be quite comfortable wearing – rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats. She doesn’t look at them. Jane raises her camera and snaps a picture. Quinn stops, glares at her and walks on.)

Daria: Hmm.

Jane: Right.

AP: Yeah.

Lynn: (sigh) We are the Flack-Jacket Mafia, and we corrupt the fashion-dependent.

(Daria shoots her an evil look)

Daria: I do NOT want that name used for us ever again.¹²

Lynn: Fine – but it’s not something you can escape from. (looking after Quinn) We have disrupted the natural order today.

Jane: This didn’t bother you when we did it to Jodie…¹³

Lynn: Yeah, but that was different. She NEEDED out of that mindset. Quinn, on the other hand, was happy being shallow as a mud puddle after a three-day drought.

Daria: Well, how bad could it be?


(Scene: Daria’s room. Music: "Free To Decide" - the Cranberries. Lynn has painted a target on the wall padding and is firing a small crossbow at it. Daria carries a stopwatch, timing the reloads. Quinn bursts in. Her turtleneck is stained with something orange and she is sobbing.)

Quinn: I try ONE new thing and people HATE ME!

(Daria and Lynn look at each other and each raises an eyebrow.)

Daria: Sandi Griffin.

Lynn: Janus.

Quinn: No, I don’t know anyone called Janice…

Lynn; (sigh) Janus is … for your purposes, another word for two-faced.¹⁴

Quinn: Oh. (angry) Yeah. (curious) So what does Narcissa mean?

(Daria and Lynn look at each other dubiously)

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) You don’t want to know.

Quinn: Anyway, Ted REALLY liked the outfit and said how, like, mature it made me look and stuff and then SANDI walked by with some orange juice and dumped it all OVER me… And anyway, I don’t LIKE these stupid clothes!

Lynn: I take it this wasn’t voluntary, then.

Daria: If you don’t like it … why are you WEARING it?

Quinn: I … I … I don’t want to make anybody hate me?

Daria: Right…

Quinn: And his parents will hate me if they think I’m … cheap and silly. (melancholy) Ugh. Sometimes I feel so … so … God, what’s the word?

Daria: I’ve been wondering that for years.

Quinn: It’s like … I really knew who I WAS in the Fashion Club.

Daria: A poseur?

Lynn: A flake?

Daria: A clothes horse?

Lynn: A ‘Heather’?

Quinn: Seriously, though, YOU must know what it’s like – being in a club or group or whatever … what ARE you guys anyway?

Lynn: We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer of the week.¹⁵

Quinn: What’s THAT supposed to mean?

Daria: No. We’re not a club. We’ve had this conversation.¹⁶

Quinn: But … but you dress alike and talk alike and THINK alike…

Daria & Lynn: (in unison) Do we?

(Daria and Lynn look at each other, a little dubiously. Then they turn to Quinn.)

Daria: Quinn … you don’t NEED anyone else to like or hate you. Not if they’re not doing it because of what you look like or who you hang out with.

Lynn: We don’t dress alike because we feel obliged to. Daria and I just have similar taste in clothes. It’s more of a coincidence than an outward statement of solidarity.

Daria: What she means is, we’re just friends because we like each other. Not because we conform to what the other wants. (beat) Just a thought.

(Quinn, a thoughtful look on her face, nods and walks out. Daria and Lynn look at each other. Lynn smirks slightly.)

Lynn: Who says I LIKE you?

(They smirk at each other.)

Daria: Incidentally, you shaved point-one-eight seconds off your last time.

Lynn: Is that ALL? Damn; I should have stuck with blow-darts…


END ACT 2 – BEGIN ADVERTS [Lead-in: Quinn walking past the gang in her new outfit.]

Skips: Prawn cocktail flavoured snacks that kind of melt – the commercial involves claymation kids eating them to dissolve mean angry bullies and girl bands they don’t like. They advocate eating to solve your problems, and then wonder why kids eat too much junk food…

Flash: Bathroom cleaner. Husband wrecks dinner, cleans the mess away with unbelievable ease, then cons his wife into believing that he wants to take her out for dinner because it was his turn to cook. It says something about advertising, the way they focus on lies…


ACT 3

(Scene: LHS corridor. Quinn, back in her baby-T and blue jeans, storms up to Ted, who looks a little stunned at the abruptness of her approach.)

Ted: Hi, Quinn; I…

Quinn: (interrupting) Now you just listen to me, Ted Dewitt-Clinton! I happen to LIKE my clothes just the way they are – I’m young enough for them not to look cheap on me and it’s not like I’m showing CLEAVAGE or anything! Your parents can just put up with the fact that I like to dress casual and I don’t give a DAMN what they think of me – they’re just PARENTS, for crying out loud, and not even MINE! THEY can’t tell me what to do, and neither can YOU! So I’m going back to what I normally wear and MAYBE I’ll wear the new stuff to dinner on Saturday because it’s a special occasion and I wouldn’t want to be underdressed but I LIKE myself and I’m NOT GOING TO CHANGE FOR YOU!

(There is a short pause.)

Ted: (casual) Okay.

Quinn: WHAT?

Ted: That’s fine. I like you however you’re dressed.

Quinn: Really?

Ted: Really. I mean, I first fell for you when you wore that sort of thing – I’d be kind of silly to mind now, wouldn’t I?

(Quinn is now distinctly embarrassed.)

Quinn: Oh. Right. (meek) I’m sorry for yelling at you.

Ted: Hey, that’s okay! Mr O’Neill says venting is healthy!

Quinn: Ted? Do me one favour…

Ted: Sure!

Quinn: Don’t quote the Human Marshmallow at me, okay?¹⁷

Ted: (bemused) Okay…

(Quinn smiles at him. Ted smiles back.)


(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "There's Always Someone More F***ed Up Than You" [wish I remembered the band name but...]. Tori and Brooke are talking.)

Tori: So, like, THEN Quinn sort of smiled at him in that gooey way and boom – end of spat.

Brooke: Wow … it’s just like a soap opera, isn’t it?

Tori: Yeah … well, I’m still waiting for the first blow-out over in the freak sector before I make up my mind about THAT.

(Cut to Daria’s table. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP look at each other and quirk an eyebrow. Back to Tori’s table)

Tori: I mean, everyone KNOWS that red-headed freak’s some kind of psycho. I bet if they ever had a spat, he’d, like, pull a Klebold and Harris with that girl who looks like that girl he’s dating.

Brooke: Or Mickey and Mallory…

Tori: Yeah. Ick, that was SUCH an awful unfashionable movie. I mean, they made the press out to be SO bad…

(Back to Daria’s table. Now the people at that table raise BOTH eyebrows.)

Brooke: I remember something they were saying around school – like he could make bombs or something.¹⁸

(Back to Daria’s table.)

Lynn: They know too much. They must be silenced.

AP: (to Daria; pleading) Oh, come ON, Erudite Emerald! I mean, you CAN see how necessary this is, can’t you?

Daria: (sigh) All right. But if Lynn takes out her crossbow, I’m calling the authorities.

Lynn: I wouldn’t run the risk of getting it confiscated. Not for THEM. (produces a rubber band)

AP: Bravo! (back to Kirk) Lock phasers on target.

Lynn: (back to Spock) Establishing lock, Captain.

Jane: Do they HAVE to do the playacting?

Daria: Oh, let them have their fun.

Lynn: I have a lock, Captain.

AP: On my mark…

(Screen goes black. We hear AP.)

AP: (OS) FIRE!

(There is a snap and a scream from Tori.)

END

ENDNOTES

1) I like my teasers. They’re fun.

2) "Love Him or Leave Him" – Quinn destroyed the Fashion Club. Isn’t fan fiction great?

3) In "LHOLH", I had Stacy ecstatic about being able to do something. I decided on cheerleading. And she DOES remind me of Brittany, a bit – smarter version.

4) If you recall "The New Kid", Ted’s parents have a problem with gum and the Beatles. And they’re supposed to be okay with midriff tops and tight jeans? I don’t think so.

5) ‘Jan’ made an appearance as Lynn’s third cousin twice removed ("I think.") in "Rue Britannia". And this happened. So I’m vindictive.

6) She asked in "World Geek Show".

7) Paraphrased from Yoda in "The Empire Strikes Back", i.e. "I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience."

8) AP’s mother and Valium is a "World Geek Show" reference. I alluded to a former ‘date-thing’ relationship between Lynn and AP in "And Then There Were Four". Two refs in one!

9) Based on note from Amanda Lane to her stay-at-home-sproggen in "The Daria Database".

10) This happened in "Miss Conception". I’m surprised it never happened to one of Quinn’s dates.

11) Helen said this way back in "The Things We Do For Dough".

12) Well, would YOU, after having it used against you as the gang did in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia"?

13) "Grating Expectations" – the salvation of Jodie Landon.

14) Homage to Austin Loomis’ prose adaptation of "Kiss and Tell". If Sandi has no clue what Janus means, neither would Quinn.

15) Monty Python reference. Dennis. Based on the same scene as her rallying cry in "Swear To Be Different".

16) Daria did say this in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia". But Quinn’s attention span rivals a goldfish’s memory for brevity.

17) Michelle Klein-Haas via Austin Loomis. Great name for Mr O’Neill.

18) "World Geek Show" again. There are some things you just don’t forget.


PROTECTIVE STATEMENT

Daria Morgendorffer and related characters from the show were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by and copyrighted to MTV, a Viacom company. They are used without permission but I’m not making money out of this and suing a low-paid person like me would be more trouble than it’s worth. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, however, are the creation and property of Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson. Anyone who would wish to borrow the latter characters must ask first or face being pecked to death by the nastiest city pigeons I can lay hands on. I’m legally protected by Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music so don’t screw me. I hereby give permission for anyone to archive "The Look-Alike Series" provided I am given all due credit for writing it and it is freely available on a non-profit basis, but I would appreciate it if you could send me the URL so little bits of my personality aren’t floating around the Net unchecked. Damage control is a must.