(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" by Splendora.1

Daria and Lynn sit side by side in Ms Li's office, looking warily at each other.

Daria and AP standing outside the Morgendorffer house, kissing. Jake rushes out the front door waving a golf club over his head in a threatening manner.

Daria behind the wheel of Lynn's car, with AP leaning around behind her to yell at Sandi and Tiffany, who are driving next to them. Flying hair indicates that they are going at speed.

LHS corridor. Quinn walks past Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP wearing an outfit much like one that Daria or Lynn would wear -- rose pink cardigan, cream turtleneck, knee-length denim skirt and flats.

LHS corridor. Lynn walks past Daria and Jane wearing something that Quinn would wear -- purple T-shirt showing off her midriff, black boot leg jeans, high heels.

Nightclub dance floor. Daria gets shoved to the floor by a sneering burly lout of a guy. Jane and AP, standing behind him, look at each other and then they both hit him.

Hospital corridor. Daria holds her head in her hands -- obviously crying. Trent, looking nervous, puts an arm around her.

Nightclub stage. Lynn, looking resigned, slings Trent's guitar over her shoulder.

Lynn's room. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side, staring at the computer screen. They turn to each other at the same time, stricken looks on their faces.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in..."


MANY ARE CULLED

(A Daria Fan Fiction -- Episode 1 of "The Look-Alike Series" Season 2)


(Scene: LHS exterior. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are sitting on the sign that says "Lawndale High School" at the front, looking at the school inscrutably.)


Daria:
Another quarter throws itself at us.

Lynn:
With the blinding speed and deadliness of a cobra.

Jane:
Oh, come on you two. How bad can it be? We got rid of Ms Li -- it's bound to be better.2

AP:
Yeah! I mean, with Ms Li under suspicion of child abuse, all the records she kept on us will be tossed out -- they think she's nuts!

Daria:
Whereas we have the benefit of hindsight. We know for CERTAIN she's nuts.

Lynn:
I see what he means, though. Tabula rasa time at our alma mater. That whole "Flack-Jacket Mafia" thing won't haunt us.

Daria:
Not even with the students?

Lynn:
Your average high school student has the attention span of a goldfish. Like they even remember our names at this point.

Daria:
(shrug) Fair enough.


(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria and Lynn are at their respective lockers. Jane is leaning in the space between them. AP is kneeling on the floor, going through his book bag. And a voice we have never heard before comes over the PA)


New Voice:
Attention students! I am Mr Caldwell, Lawndale High's new principal.

Daria:
At least he can say the name of the school in a normal voice.

Jane:
Yeah. Go figure.

Caldwell:
I would like to ask for your co-operation for a complete update of the school's records. You will all have appointments with your guidance counsellor at some point today. Please check the bulletin board for your time slot. Thank you.

Lynn:
Great. Guidance counsellors. I HATE guidance counsellors.

Daria:
It's not a big deal. Just tell them that you want to be a writer and they can't be of any use. Usually it shuts them up. (beat) I learned that lesson the hard way.3

Lynn:
Something I have never tried. (beat) I did once say that I wanted to work as an executioner on a Death Row somewhere.

Jane:
What happened?

Lynn:
Three weeks with the school psychologist breathing down my neck. Then AP and I glued his office furniture to the ceiling and bolted the light fixture to the floor.

AP:
Method 10 -- a pure classic. He ran screaming from the building and wouldn't come back for three days! And he only came back to give notice!

Jane:
You two are twisted! I LIKE!

Daria:
Let's see the order in which they have chosen to torment us.

Lynn:
Five bucks says alphabetical.

Daria:
Oh, come on. No one's that predictable anymore. They'll probably do it by age or homeroom.

Lynn:
So we're on?

Daria:
Yeah.


(Scene: LHS corridor. The foursome is standing by the bulletin board, not speaking for a moment. Still without a word, Daria hauls a bill out of the pocket of her jacket. Lynn takes it.)


Lynn:
Thank you. (beat) So 'Mc' is a separate letter now? Right after M.

AP:
Hey, I am unique!

Jane:
You're also dead last.

AP:
Great. You set him up, I'll knock him down!

Lynn:
We say nothing until all four of us go. Agreed?

Daria:
Agreed. Pizza King?

Lynn:
Sure. After two weeks of being in England, decent pizza is beginning to take back its old appeal.


(Scene: guidance counsellor's office. A plaque on the desk reads "Anthony Harris". Harris, a thin, scraggly looking man, is looking speculatively at Lynn.)


Harris:
So you want to be a writer.

Lynn:
Actually, I always wanted to be ... a LUMBERJACK! Leaping from tree to tree...4 (beat; disgusted at Harris' blank expression) Never mind. There's no cross-cultural humour anymore. Yes, I want to be a writer.

Harris:
No other goals at all?

Lynn:
My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realisation that I have wasted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.5

Harris:
I see. Well, let's have a look at your other skills. After all, the writing profession is a tough one to get into. Many are called and few are chosen, that sort of thing. (beat; paper shuffling) From your records, you have quite the typing speed. And you strike me as competent and having the ability to think on your feet.

Lynn:
It would be quite time-consuming if every thought I had required me to lie down.

Harris:
Yes. Well, you seem like the sort who would take to the clerical profession as a duck takes to water.

Lynn:
(raised eyebrow) Excuse me?


(Scene: guidance counsellor's office. Harris is looking at Jane speculatively.)


Harris:
So your goal is to be an artist.

Jane:
Art is my life. Problem?

Harris:
I just feel that students with more ... hard to reach goals ... should be particularly aware of their other options. Many are called and few are chosen, after all.

(Jane glowers at him.)


Harris:
Now ... um ... let's see what we have here. Apart from your artistic abilities, do you have any other talents?

Jane:
You're the Grand Guru of Career Guidance. You tell me.

Harris:
You show a certain flair for what is known as the "snazzy one-liner". (beat) Perhaps you could consider a career in advertising.

(Jane glowers at him again.)



(Scene: guidance counsellor's office. Daria is sitting before him, looking unfazed.)


Harris:
Now, Daria Morgenpheffer...

Daria:
Morgendorffer. (beat) Illiteracy is a sad thing in schools ... especially when it's seen in the faculty.

Harris:
Yes. Um ... well, you want to be a writer.

Daria:
And you're going to try to explain to me why I DON'T want to be a writer. Isn't your job to help us find a way to reach our goals rather than to shove more quote-end-quote "realistic" ones down our throats?

Harris:
Um ... indeed. It's a tough market, Daria. Many are called and few are chosen, and all that. Now, from what I can see, your fine head for facts and cool, composed, didactic approach to your lessons might make you an excellent teacher.

Daria:
Excuse me?


(Scene: Pizza King. "My Friend of Misery" by Metallica. Daria is sitting across from Jane and Lynn in their favourite booth. They are picking at their food and looking miserable.)


Jane:
Ad executive.

(Short pause)


Daria:
Teacher.

(Longer pause. All three of them wince.)


Lynn:
Secretary.

(Daria and Jane look at her wide-eyed)


Daria & Jane:
(in unison) You win.

Lynn:
Don't put the crown and sceptre on me yet. We still haven't heard from AP. Maybe he got pegged as a sanitation engineer or something.

(AP rushes through the door, beaming. He runs over to their table and stretches his arms out, a huge manic grin on his face.)


AP:
I AM INTO COMPUTERS AND THE WORLD IS MINE! (beat; grin) So what'd he say to you three? Anything good?

(Daria, Jane and Lynn glower at him.)


AP:
(clueless) What? WHAT?

Daria:
You have five seconds.

AP:
Five seconds to WHAT?

Lynn:
You know me well enough not to have to ask. Five ... four ... three...

(AP gets the message and runs. Daria, Jane and Lynn go back to picking at their pizza in morose silence for awhile. Then...)


Jane:
(defiant) Hey, why should we listen to him, anyway? I mean, what does HE know about us? All he knows is that we want to get into professions he wasn't talented enough to even THINK about.

Lynn:
You're probably right. (beat) On the other hand, what do WE know about HIM? How do we know he isn't some wildly talented artist, poet, writer or whatever who just didn't get the breaks?

(pause)


Jane:
I've never met anyone who could kill a moment as well as you, Lynn.

Daria:
So what ARE we going to do?

Lynn:
What teenagers do best. Go on with our lives and pretend we never heard anything unpleasant.

Jane:
Now THAT I can get behind. (takes bite of pizza. Lynn and Daria just stare at theirs)


(Commercial lead-in -- Daria holding out money, Lynn taking it.)


(Okay, so I've finally seen some television and have decided that it's time to hit back at them. This is the worst of British advertising, so pay attention. You might learn how bad it can actually get.

Energy Efficient Products:
This woman walks into a grocery store looking for light bulbs. Then proceeds to climb OVER the shelving to get there. Sees energy efficient bulbs, scoffs at them and gets normal ones. Surely a better way to be energy efficient is to not waste the time, energy and other resources to make and show THAT nonsense...

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter:
Gospel-style singer in bad yellow suit singing about crumpets and waving fake butter at the audience. Then shoves a crumpet close to the camera lens and says, "Believe it, baby". I believe in one thing at that point -- channel surfing.

It's over ... for now...)


ACT 2
(Scene: Jane tossing and turning in her bed.)

(Jane's dream sequence. Music: "This Is My Hollywood" by 3 Colours Red. An older Jane is in an office in some fairly large city, looking out the window and sketching the skyline. She is wearing a suit but has kept her combat boots. On her desk is a stack of papers. Enter an older gentleman in a suit and tie, who stares at her for a moment as she obliviously sketches. Then he slams the door hard enough to make her jump.)


Jane:
AAH! (beat) Oh. Good morning, Mr Goodman.

Goodman:
Lane. (beat) Boots?

Jane:
Oh, yeah, the Fast-Track account meeting. I know. (slips a pair of high heeled shoes out of a desk drawer.)

Goodman:
So what were you sketching?

Jane:
(while putting on shoes; enthusiastic) The city. It's really interesting the way the sunlight almost sets the smog on fire.

Goodman:
(blank) Yeah. It's all right.

(Jane sighs. She's obviously heard this before.)


Jane:
I'll be right with you.

(Goodman leaves. After stowing her boots away in the drawer, Jane looks at her sketch, sighs and then walks reluctantly towards the door.)


(Jane peers into what is obviously a break room in a big office building. Music plays on. People are chatting amiably as they drink coffee, smoke or whatever. Jane walks in and sits down near a small blond woman ... and conversation around her subsides a little in the typical "If she hears us talking she might join in" way.)


Jane:
(lighting a cigarette) Hey, Marie!

Marie:
(hesitant) Hey.

(Jane picks up on the tone and decides not to pursue the conversation. She turns away with a sad look.)


(A small but nice apartment. Music plays on. A key rattles in the lock and Jane steps in. A cat winds itself around her legs with a plaintive meow. Jane bends to pet it.)


Jane:
At least you appreciate me, don't you, Gaughin? (beat; morose) But you'd appreciate Hannibal Lechter so long as he could run a can opener. Or throw you a finger or two now and then.

(The cat meows as if in agreement and Jane sighs. She looks up at the wall, at a picture that she obviously painted -- Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP in gowns and mortarboards, all with middle fingers up. A graduation picture. Jane now looks very lonely.)


Jane:
Wonder what they're doing now ... or if they ask that about me.

(Scene: Jane's bedroom. She sits up with a start, then sighs and hops out of bed. She turns on the lights, grabs a paintbrush, then looks at the canvas. Then she puts both away and goes back to bed.)



(Scene: Daria's room. We see Daria the way we did in "Daria!", with the covers mostly over her head. We see her wince in her sleep.)

(Daria's dream sequence. Music: "Makes Her Sick" by Cold. A classroom. Writing on the board says "Industrial Revolution" -- a history class. Daria, in a white blouse and tan skirt reminiscent of Mr DeMartino's outfit, stands at the front.)


Daria:
Now, Calvin, can you explain to the class why the industrial revolution was so important to this country?

(We see a blank-faced boy with black hair and a black T-shirt who looks a lot like Kevin struggling to think.)


Calvin:
Um ... industrial death metal/Techno music?

(Daria sighs and, removing her glasses, puts a hand to one of her eyes.)


Calvin:
Hey, you okay, Ms M? Your eye looks ... twisted!

Daria:
Oh, God...

(An ophthalmologist's office. Music plays on. The doctor is looking at Daria's eye.)


Doctor:
Ms Morgendorffer, you have what is known as DeMartino syndrome. It's an occurrence named after the first known patient to have this stress-related disorder. The symptoms include a bulging in one of the eyes, an inordinate craving for caffeine -- which exacerbates the problem -- and a tendency to put excessive stress on some words or syllables. I'm afraid that, even at this early stage, there is no cure.

Daria:
How serious IS it, Doc?

Doctor:
The disorder itself is not fatal ... but the related problems -- heart attacks, stomach ulcers, strokes -- can be quite serious. I'll write a prescription for some tranquillisers...

Daria:
No, THANK you, Doctor. I'll deal with this PROBLEM on my OWN.

(Scene: Daria's room. Daria jolts awake and stumbles out of her room.)



(Scene: Morgendorffer bathroom. Daria steps up to the mirror and looks closely at one of her eyes.)


Daria:
DeMartino syndrome... (shudder)


(Scene: Lynn's room. All we see is a lump of dark blanket. It shifts restlessly.)


(Lynn's dream sequence. A cluttered office. Music: "Scared of Girls" by Placebo. Many in-trays; paper everywhere. Lynn is typing very quickly and talking on the phone.)


Lynn:
No, I'm afraid I'm not sure when he'll be back in the office today but I think you can catch him between nine and ten tomorrow morning. (beat) No, I'm afraid I'm not privy to that sort of information. Perhaps I could give you his e-mail address; if you e-mailed him it would be likely that he'd be able to send you a reply sometime today. (beat) Okay, could I take your number and ask him to call you back? (beat) Mobile number? (beat) Right. Thank you for calling. Have a nice day. (hangs up; makes a face at the phone.)

(A small, wiry little man enters her office carrying a large file folder.)


Lynn:
Hey, Mark.

Mark:
Hey, Lynn, you know about computers, right?

Lynn:
I've been known to dabble. Why?

Mark:
I just can't get this mail merge thing. Mr Fitzgerald wants this letter typed and sent to about a hundred different people and I just don't know how to do it.

Lynn:
Want me to show you? I take lunch earlier than you do and I could show you then.

Mark:
I don't know ... could I just ask you to do it for me? I wouldn't ask but you're so GOOD at this sort of thing!

Lynn:
Look, Mark, I'm really swamped but I guess I could...

Mark:
Thanks, Lynn! You're a star! (dumps file on her desk and exits.)

Lynn:
Jerk.

(The phone rings.)


Lynn:
STOP RINGING, DAMNIT!

(Lynn takes a breath, puts on a professional face and picks up the phone.)


Lynn:
Fitzgerald-Morris Associates, how can I help you. (beat; pleased) Daria?

(Split screen between Lynn and an older, professional-looking Daria.)


Daria:
Hey, Lynn. How's life?

Lynn:
Oh, you know. Busy, busy.

Daria:
I was just calling to tell you that I've been called into your part of the world on business and I'll be around for most of this week. Want to do dinner?

Lynn:
God, THIS week? Let me check... (hits a few buttons on computer) Right, I'm looking at my diary. Hit me.

Daria:
Um ... tomorrow's bad -- drinks thing with the publishers. Wednesday?

Lynn:
Can't. I'm working late on a project or three. Thursday?

Daria:
Not until ten or so. Being wined and dined by agents trying to buy my brain.

Lynn:
God, and I've got a six a.m. start Friday morning.

Daria:
Friday night?

Lynn:
I think so ... just call the office at five-thirty to make sure Mr Morris hasn't dropped some other crap on me.

Daria:
Deal. I'll leave you to it. Bye.

Lynn:
Bye, Daria. (hangs up, looks at the keyboard.) God, is this my life?

(Scene: Lynn's room. The dark lump of covers shifts and Lynn's face is visible. She looks frightened and small. She sighs, grabs her covers, wraps them around her and curls up.)



(Scene: LHS cafeteria. "Pure Morning" by Placebo. AP is gobbling his food while the other three, pale and morose, just pick at it.)


AP:
Come on, you guys, it's even worse cold! (beat) I had the wildest dream last night! I was sort of a cross between Bill Gates and Richard Branson, and...

(AP stops talking as he realises that the three girls are glaring at him in a "shut up or I am not responsible for my actions" way.)


AP:
Come ON, guys, why won't you tell me what's wrong?

Jane:
Maybe because you won't shut up long enough?

Daria:
Maybe because your smug attitude makes you seem unsympathetic?

Lynn:
Maybe just because we're too busy wondering what it would take to make you stop congratulating yourself about having such a great future ahead of you just because you prefer machines to people and open your eyes to the fact that we're not all lucky enough to be self-centred, techno-centric morons with the tact of a charging rhino.

(AP stares at Lynn, then Jane, then Daria. They turn back to silent contemplation of their food.)


AP:
(hurt) I'm ... just ... gonna go over and eat somewhere else. (exit)

(The girls look up guiltily.)


Daria:
Anyone else have bad dreams last night?

Jane:
No one gave a damn about me or my talent. I was just a weirdo in a suit trying to fit in ... and failing. Seems depressing that nothing would change in ten years.

Daria:
I taught history and developed DeMartino syndrome.

Jane:
Do we have to ask?

Daria:
I hate you.

Lynn:
Busy office. Only competent human being on premises. Constantly busy. No time for friends or life. (beat) Whole situation blows dead monkeys.

Daria:
And once again, your astute analysis of the situation removes the need for any further statements on the matter.

(The three girls go back to picking at their food.)



(Commercial lead-in -- on one side of the screen, Lynn banging at the keyboard. On the other, Daria standing in front of the classroom with her hand over her eye. In the centre, Jane sadly tucking her boots into a desk drawer.)


(And welcome back to the UK's worst TV commercials...

Sexism still reigns supreme as we see boys play with toy cars and Lego sets (to the tune of some overly-macho music that hasn't been revamped since 1986) and girls either playing with dolls (to the tune of either lullaby-style piano stuff or, in the case of Barbie, 80's-style aerobics music) or drooling over barely pubescent boys on skateboards. And there's this doll that comes with a braiding machine, which not only teaches girls that hairdressing is the best option and that beauty is key but that you need custom equipment to perform a task that has been done by hand for millennia.

And that'll do.)


ACT 3
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Usual complement at dinner table. Usual menu. Daria not eating. Quinn reading Waif. Jake reading paper. Helen looking resigned to this lack of communication. Daria looks up, looks undecided, then sighs.)


Daria:
Mom?

Helen:
(pleasantly surprised) Yes, Daria?

Daria:
How did you decide you wanted to be a lawyer?

Helen:
Well ... that's a good question, Daria. I think it was mainly that I was intrigued by the process of law. I wanted to play a part in upholding the rights that the Constitution gives to us.

Jake:
(lowers paper, frowns in confusion) But Helen, when we were in college, you said you wanted to be a lawyer so that you could slap people who tested on animals in jail and legalise...6

Helen:
(livid) Shut UP, Jake! (beat) You pick NOW to pay attention?

Jake:
Okay, so it takes me awhile!


(Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. Daria lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Someone knocks at the door.)


Daria:
If it's Quinn, I'm broke. If it's Mom, I just wanted to know -- I have no interest in becoming a lawyer. If it's Dad, no offence but the kiwi-papaya chocolate cheesecake smells weird and I don't think my stomach could take it.

(The door opens and Quinn pokes her head in.)


Quinn:
Um ... will you promise not to take it the wrong way if I ask you something?

Daria:
No.

Quinn:
Oh. (she comes in and sits on the bed. Daria sits up) Um ... can I ask it anyway?

Daria:
If you must.

Quinn:
Are you okay? I mean, you haven't been reading and writing and ... stuff.

Daria:
Not in the mood. Any other questions?

Quinn:
(sigh) Is this about a guy?

Daria:
Funnily enough, it's not. Things are going fairly well in that department for a change.7

Quinn:
You mean I was RIGHT that night you came home late?8

Daria:
In a manner of speaking.

Quinn:
(bitter) Well, what IS it, then? I mean, what else have you got to be depressed about?

Daria:
Excuse me?

Quinn:
I mean, I have other stuff ... especially after I quit the Fashion Club.9 I have all this homework and stuff, and Ted, and... And you're smart and it's so EASY for you! I mean, we saw that guidance counsellor and I realised that I don't know WHAT I want to do with my life! I mean, I CAN'T be a neck model10 -- I'd be ... (quiet) bored. I want to learn but it's HARD for me, and you can do anything you want to do. I bet you'll be a big history professor at a big important university and think about important stuff and really enjoy it and I ... I'll probably never understand half the stuff you say. (beat; exasperated) So what's WRONG?

Daria:
Funnily enough, Quinn ... nothing anymore. (beat) And you'll be fine. You can ask Ted for help with your homework. He's a little naïve, but he's smart. And (sigh) I'll help too, if you REALLY need me.

Quinn:
I didn't ask...

Daria:
And that's why I'm prepared to offer.

(pause)


Quinn:
I think I actually understood that.

Daria:
Good.

(Quinn turns to go, but stops at the door. She turns, but Daria waves her away and she leaves.)



(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "Wake Up" by Korn. Jane is looking at a blank canvas and she holds a palette but she is not painting and doesn't look as if she's about to do so anytime soon. Trent ambles in and comes up behind her.)


Trent:
No inspiration?

Jane:
Ever heard of knocking?

Trent:
You okay, Janey?

Jane:
Pretty much.

Trent:
You'd tell me, right?

Jane:
Not unless it was life or death.

Trent:
(laugh/cough) Yeah. (beat) Um ... can I talk to you?

Jane:
My door is always open ... even if you don't remember to knock.

Trent:
You know it's been tense with Daria, right? Well, I wanted to write a song about it -- just the friends part. Get it out of my system, you know. I didn't know where to start.

Jane:
Well ... try starting with something that you value her for. You know, something that she did or said or helped you with that only has to do with being your friend.

Trent:
Yeah. Cool. (beat) Yeah, I could do that thing she said when we were on our way to Alternapalooza.11 Did I ever tell you that thing?

Jane:
Nope.

Trent:
She said to me that, even if Mystik Spiral didn't go anywhere ever, at least for awhile I did exactly what I wanted to do. And a lot of people never even get that far. So I guess it was like she was saying that dreams and memories carry you through darker times. (beat) I gotta go write that down. Thanks, Janey. (exit)

(Jane thinks that over, then smiles. Then she picks up her paintbrush and dabs it in some green paint.)



(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "I'm With Stupid" -- Static-X. Lynn is sprawled out on her bed, staring at the wall. AP slides through her open window.)


AP:
Hey ho, Purple Peril!

Lynn:
Get bent.

AP:
That's not the right response! I mean, if I was a burglar or something...

Lynn:
Then you'd be in trouble.

(Cut to AP's confused face. Then he winces as a small crossbow bolt embeds itself into the window frame about an inch from his face.)


AP:
I forgot I made you that.

(Cut to Lynn, holding a small crossbow.)


Lynn:
Reminder of happier times. (beat) Did you want something?

AP:
To say sorry. I shouldn't have crowed. (beat) I guess Mr Harris really did a downer on you three.

Lynn:
Yeah. Many are called but few are chosen. (miserable chuckle) Said I'd make a good secretary.

AP:
The man can't see past the end of his own nose, can he?

Lynn:
Excuse me?

AP:
Hell, Lynn, if that was all the talent you had, I'd say that being some fat-cat executive's secretary would be the best job for you. But think about what else you can do -- stuff that no one else knows about.

Lynn:
I reiterate -- excuse me?

AP:
That whole Ms Li thing proved you're an expert snitch. The blackmail, the bugging, the espionage...12 Hey, the FBI would snap you up!

Lynn:
Like hell.

AP:
I'm serious. I mean, if all else fails and you don't get the whole writer thing going, we could be a team for the FBI -- just like Mulder and Scully. Uncovering all the cover-ups... raiding the equipment in the Pentagon...

Lynn:
If you're only saying this to make me feel better...

AP:
I'm not ONLY saying it to make you feel better.

Lynn:
But that's part of it.

AP:
If you were feeling better, I wouldn't have to say it.

Lynn:
I see what you mean. (beat) Sorry about calling you a self-centred, techno-centric moron with the tact of a charging rhino.

AP:
Hey, that's cool. I've been called worse.

Lynn:
Who by?

AP:
You.

Lynn:
Oh. (sheepish smile)


(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "The Kids Aren't Alright" by Offspring. Jane is standing proudly by an covered easel. Daria and Lynn are sitting on the bed, looking expectantly at Jane.)


Daria:
So what brought on the change of mood?

Jane:
Advice from a pulling-it-together sibling.

Daria:
Same here.

Jane:
Really?

Daria:
Yeah. Also kind of a jealous sibling, but that's a problem to be dealt with another day. (beat) You, Lynn?

Lynn:
Job offer.

(Jane and Daria look at Lynn in surprise)


Lynn:
If the other thing doesn't work out.

Jane:
Anyway, I wanted to show you this thing. I kind of got inspired.

Lynn:
Well, cast off the veil and let the art-life in!

(Jane unveils the picture. First it shows Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP as they were in the opening shot, sitting on the LHS sign. Above them are the graduates from the portrait we saw in Jane's dream sequence, with middle fingers raised at the world. Above each graduate is an older version of themselves -- Daria dressed as a news-hound as seen in the 20s, Jane dressed in a smock and beret in the artist stereotype, Lynn in normal clothes but as a book-jacket photo, and AP as Bill Gates.)


Jane:
I call it "The Three Ages of Cynicism".

Daria:
That about caps it.

Lynn:
Now that we feel a bit better about ourselves, there's one more thing we ought to do.


(Scene: Guidance counsellor's office, exterior. Music plays on. Harris unlocks the door and walks inside. The door closes behind him. As it does, Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP approach. Lynn holds out her hand to Jane, who passes over a glue gun. Lynn sneaks up to the door with the glue gun and seals the lock. Then she joins Daria, Jane and AP as they stand by and watch with matching smirks on their faces.)


Harris:
(OS) That smell ... what's that smell? Ugh!

(The door starts rattling but Harris can't get out.)


Harris:
(OS) HELP! HELP ME, SOMEONE!

Daria:
What'd you use on the door?

Jane:
Industrial grade epoxy resin.

AP:
When only the NASTIEST will do!

Lynn:
Did you do the windows?

AP:
All boarded and sealed!

Jane:
What IS he smelling?

Lynn:
I think it's best to leave that to your imagination.

Daria:
Bets on when he turns in his resignation?

Jane:
I bet he starts working on it as soon as he gets out of there.

AP:
I don't agree. I bet he starts working on it while he's still IN there.

Harris:
PLEASE! SOMEONE! GET ME OUT OF HERE! THAT SMELL!

(Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP spare the door one last glance and then walk away.)


Harris:
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! (sobbing)

END

A WORD OF THANKS


I could have written this fan fiction alone, but it would not have been as good (if anyone thinks it's good). I would therefore like to thank Diane Long for her suggestions about character and Little Welsh Boy for always being around to listen to funny dialogue and giving me a hand on the engineering stuff. I have improved lots since I met these two, so thanks. Also thanks to Desanera, my first beta reader.

ENDNOTES


1) The clips for the opening sequence were taken from future fanfics in this season. I liked CN's teasers so much I decided to make a few of my own. The first bit comes from my first Look-Alike Series fic "A Meeting Of The Brains" -- the rest ... well, you'll have to wait and see.

2) The plot to destroy Ms Li's career revealed in my fanfic "The Flack-Jacket Mafia"

3) In the episode "It Happened One Nut", Daria's experience with a career aptitude test got her wearing a squirrel hat and working alongside Kevin.

4) Precursor to "The Lumberjack Song" -- Monty Python. A fan and adapter of my work reminded me of Lynn's love of Monty Python and I figured I should start playing that up.

5) Daria said that in the episode "Gifted". I thought it would be appropriate for her look-alike to say it here.

6) This bit is courtesy of CE Forman, whose "Lost Season 2" fanfic "Fireworks" made me wonder why Helen wanted to become a lawyer in the first place. I have mangled the concept a little, but I prefer the term "artistic license".

7) After "Love Him Or Leave Him", Daria and AP started contemplating the 'date thing'. More on that to follow, so watch this space.

8) This happened in "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

9) Quinn quit the Fashion Club over Ted in "Love Him Or Leave Him". Stacy followed.

10) In the episode "It Happened One Nut", Quinn is pegged as a neck model for jewellery catalogues.

11) The episode "The Road Worrier" -- when the Shipper thing got serious.

12) From my fanfics "Grating Expectations", "Run Away From Homecoming" and "The Flack-Jacket Mafia" respectively.

LEGAL REAR-END COVERING


Daria and most of her friends were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are copyright (most recent 2000) of MTV Networks, a Viacom company. The Lumberjack Song is copyright (most recent 2000) Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. They are being borrowed without permission but I'm apparently protected by Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music on the grounds of parody and anyway, I'm not making money off of this and I've got nothing anyone would want to sue me for. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, are copyright 2000 Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson. The Look-Alike Series may be archived by anyone provided it's not messed with or is being profited from in any way other than the warm glow of making people happy but I'd like to at least know where it is so please send a URL. And if you DO want to borrow or change anything, ask first or I will track you down and shoot you like a rabid dog. Grovelling helps.