KISS AND TELL
A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 1:10]
(Scene: LHS Corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing by Daria's locker.)
Lynn: Did you ever think you were psychic?
Jane: No … why?
Lynn: I just have this really strong feeling that something incredibly stupid is going to happen.
(And, as if on cue [and, since it's my fanfic, it IS on cue] we have an announcement from the PA system.)
Li: (VO) Attention all students! Following the success of the Lawndale Halloween Haunt,1 and to help pay for the … um … extremely necessary surveillance gear that has been added to the school since the arrival of those two little… (falters) Um … I mean, the new school year! Yes, of course! To pay for all those recent changes, Lawndale High will be having another school dance a week from Saturday!
Daria: Wait for it…
AP: Wait for what?
Li: (VO) Attendance is mandatory. Any student not attending will face detention and whatever other punishment the ACLU will allow me.
Jane: I think she meant THAT.
Li: (VO) That is all. Resume learning!
Daria: Great. I thought I was getting off easy after missing the last one.
Lynn: See? What did I tell you? Something incredibly stupid.
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake behind paper. Daria behind copy of "The Up-Side of Unpopularity: Terrorism's Easy When No One Knows Your Name!" Quinn behind copy of Waif; the cover reads "Get To Know Your Man Through Handwriting Analysis!" Helen looking at them all, obviously vastly irritated.)
Helen: Will someone talk to me? (to Jake) How was your day at work, Jake honey?
Jake: (to paper) Does anyone REALLY understand Doonsbury, or is everyone pretending same as I am?
Helen: (gives up, tries mark 2) Quinn, how was your day? (when she gets no response, she gives in and asks it) Any new boys?
Quinn: (to magazine) His Qs mean his HANDS are cute… But I don't know about those Ns…
Helen: (last resort time) Daria, how was YOUR day?
Daria: (to book) I am going to sabotage that dance if it's the last thing I do…
Helen: (both angry at her daughter's attitude and relieved that she has something to talk about) Daria, put that book down; you're not sabotaging anything.
Daria: (monotone) Aw. You never let me have any fun.
Helen: Now, what's this about a dance?
Daria: (sigh; trapped) Ms Li wants to fill the school coffers so the school's having a dance next Saturday.
Helen: (forceful) And you're going! This could be a great opportunity for you to show those kids at your school the real you!
Daria: In one thing you are correct; I AM going.
Helen: (stunned; she expected to have to bribe Daria) You ARE?
Daria: It's mandatory. I'll be thrown in detention if I don't go. (beat) But, as a form of protest, I am not going to make any concession to the supposed festive nature of this event. I will dress as if it was an average school day, and I will NOT dance.
Helen: (considers this) Well, I know I'd probably be fighting a losing battle if I FORCED you to take this event seriously, but … if you need to go shopping…
Daria: (deadpan) Careful, Mom. This might turn into one of those heart-warming moments you see on TV sitcoms.
(Helen sighs. She'd LIKE a few more TV sitcom moments.)
(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys. Daria sprawled out on bed, still reading the unpopularity book. Jane on floor, sketching the wardrobe. Lynn on phone and online.)
Lynn: Yeah, I'll probably stay at Jane's or Daria's on the weekends. (beat) Yes, I have the credit card and will use it as necessary, necessary being at your discretion after getting my side of the story. (beat) Thanks. I promise; no dents. (beat) Safe journey and all that happy horse manure. (beat) Bye. (puts down phone) God, Jane, my mother's as bad as your whole family combined some days.2
Jane: Where's she off to this time?
Lynn: New York. For three weeks. The worms in the Big Apple are really in for a surprise when my mother the early bird shows up. But in the meantime, I've got her credit card AND the Mercedes.
Daria: So, what are we all doing about this dance?
Lynn: Well, I thought about sabotage, but to be honest, I'm not really motivated enough for that sort of thing.
Daria: Tell me about it. Plus Mom says if it doesn't go well, I'm grounded to infinity.
Jane: I thought your parents decided grounding you was a waste of time.3
Daria: Now that my circle of friends has expanded to three, I think they've changed their minds. (beat) I was thinking of an informal protest. You know, just wearing what we normally wear and not doing anything remotely fun.
Lynn: I thought of that, but I have this sinking feeling that Ms Li is going to enforce some kind of dress code. And, if we turn up at the dance in our normal uniforms, she might force one of us into that taffeta thing she's been trying to sell for years.4
Daria: So what DO we do?
Lynn: I have ONE idea…
(Scene: the Lane front door. Music: "A Little Discourage" by Idlewild. Lynn approaches and knocks on the door. It opens to reveal Trent.)
Trent: Oh. Hey, Lynn.
Lynn: I have a proposition for you.
(Scene: Lane basement. Music plays on. Trent on stool. Lynn on floor.)
Lynn: We need something that'll shake up Ms Li's current scheme. You'll do.
Trent: (stunned) Me?
Lynn: Well, Mystik Spiral, anyway. They'll be wanting a band to perform at this stupid dance they're making us go to, and if I keep away any competition, you'll go on. You're not Ms Li's idea of entertainment, but who knows? The kids might like you.
Trent: (trying to be sly) So … what's in this for me?
Lynn: A paying gig … exposure to the masses … and, of course, the perfect forum to say to Daria what you accidentally said to me at Halloween.5
Trent: (confused) Huh?
Lynn: (exasperated sigh) What part of "making us go to" don't you understand? (beat) Daria will be at this dance, because all of Lawndale High is being forced into it. If you happened to write a song about how you feel for her, she's bound to hear it, right?
Trent: (following) Yeah. (beat; angry) But what about that little redheaded punk friend of yours?6 I mean…
Lynn: AP? You mean to tell me that you feel threatened by a sixteen year old lunatic?7 (beat; sigh) Look, it's worth a try, right? What's the worst that can happen?
Trent: (miserable) She could laugh in my face…
Lynn: So you're telling me that she's not worth taking a risk for.
Trent: (considering this) All right. (beat) Thanks, Lynn.
(Lynn gives him a little smile.)
(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music plays on. Jane is poking through the fridge.)
Jane: Nothing… (turns in time to see Lynn pass the door; surprised) Hey, Lynn! What are you doing here?
Lynn: Conversing with your brother. Figured out how to sabotage the dance in a "not sabotaging it" kind of way. (beat; sly) And came up with a way to make you a VERY happy bunny regarding your brother and best friend.
Jane: (lost) Huh?
Lynn: Killing two birds with one stone. Mystik Spiral plays the dance next Saturday.
Jane: (gleefully sarcastic) That'll make the Nazi Jackboot happy! (confused) But go back to the happy bunny bit again…
Lynn: Trent gets a forum to tell Daria how he feels about her. Maybe he can win Daria with song where simple words have failed since Halloween.
Jane: One of TRENT'S songs?
Lynn: Yeah, well, it'd be better if he were more Pete Steele than … well, whatever he is … but it's the best shot he's gonna get.
Jane: (suspicious) I thought you said we had to leave it alone.
Lynn: (shrug) Changed my mind. I felt pity for the poor slob. Anyway, it was the only way I could think of to get Trent really interested in the gig.
Jane: (shrug) Cool. (something registers) Wait a minute; since HALLOWEEN? What happened at Halloween?
(Lynn realises she slipped up BIG TIME there.)
Lynn: (blush) Whoops…
(Scene: Lane house, external. Music plays on. Jane's voice nearly shakes the house.)
Jane: (OS) He said WHAT?
(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Music: "She" by Green Day. Jake staring at TV. Daria still reading the unpopularity book. Phone rings. Daria picks up.)
Daria: Quinn's on a date.
AP: (phone VO; sarcastic) And it cuts me to the quick, Erudite Emerald.
Daria: (blush) AP?
(Split screen between the Morgendorffer living room and AP's room.)
AP: That's what they call me outside cyberspace. (beat) So…
Daria: So…
AP: This dance thing … we're not … doing the date-thing, are we?
Daria: Um … no. I think it's more cynics putting up a united front.
AP: (vaguely disappointed) Ah. Of course. Makes perfect sense. (beat) Are we … I don't know … doing the not-dancing-in-protest thing?
Daria: Probably.
AP: (more disappointed) Ah. Right. Just … just checking. Catch you later, Erudite Emerald.
(Single screen back to Daria, who is blushing madly.)
Daria: (thought VO) I'm not considering what I think I'm considering. (beat) Oh, who am I kidding?
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen sitting at the table, working on a laptop. Enter Daria, looking shamefaced.)
Daria: Um … Mom? (sigh) I need to borrow your credit card.
Helen: (VERY suspicious) Why? (beat) What sort of trouble are you IN, Daria?
Daria: (sigh) No trouble. I just…
Helen: (flustered; stands) Just WHAT? You're acting VERY strangely.
Daria: (sigh; she knows) It gets worse. (beat; reluctant) I want to get a dress for the dance next week.
Helen: (stunned) You want to go SHOPPING? (hyperventilates; faints)
Daria: (after a shocked pause) Is that a no?
END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Helen fainting]
ACT 2
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn have converged on Lynn's locker. Jane is smirking)
Daria: What's wrong with you? You've been smirking like that all day.
Jane: (evasive) Just can't seem to stop smiling. It's one of those days.
Daria: Insane days. (beat; reluctant) So, when are we meeting?
Lynn: (equally reluctant) I'll pick you two up in the Mercedes around eight. We should be … (shudder) at that place … by nine. We go in, get what we need and get out again double time.
Jane: You're talking like it's a crime to go…
Daria: Don't say the word! First of all, that place brings back too many bad memories. Then there's the fact that doing … what people do at that place … makes me feel just a little too much like…
(Quinn and the Fashion Club wander past.)
Quinn: (bouncing) He left another note! He's going to tell me who he is at the dance next Saturday!
Sandi: (impressed despite herself) Well, because this is such a MOMENTOUS occasion, we should make a SPECIAL effort with our WARDROBE for the evening. Perhaps a trip to Mall of the Millennium is in order.
Stacy: We'll give you a GREAT makeover, Quinn; you'll knock him dead when we're through!
Tiffany: Yeah.
Sandi: This is the ultimate challenge. This is the shopping trip to end all shopping trips. The only trip more important will be to shop for (pause for effect) THE WEDDING DRESS!
(The four of them stand in reverential silence for a moment. Then they walk on, leaving the gang to look after them.)
Lynn: Shoot me if I ever get like that. (beat) You think I'm kidding.
Daria: See what I mean?
Jane: We're just going shop…
Lynn: (clapping a hand over Jane's mouth) Hush! It summons the demons!
(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Music: "Stories" by Therapy? Lynn's Mercedes pulls up in front. Daria hurries out of the house, closely followed by Helen and Quinn, both trying to give fashion advice. Daria hops into the car without opening the door and Lynn pulls out with a screech of burning rubber, leaving a cheated Helen and Quinn on the kerb.)
Daria: (sigh) I thought I'd never get out of there alive.
Lynn: (shrug; casual) See? Condition them to think you don't give a rat's behind about your appearance and the least little thing gets them all excited.8
(Scene: Jane's house, exterior. Music plays on. The Mercedes pulls up in front and Jane staggers out of the house, looking mostly asleep. She clambers into the back seat and sprawls there.)
Jane: (groan) Too … early.
Lynn: (raised eyebrow) I'm impressed.
Daria: What, that she's this asleep at eight a.m.?
Lynn: No, that she's that articulate at eight a.m. It IS Saturday, after all.
(Scene: the Mall of the Millennium parking lot. Music plays on. The parking lot is mostly full and the Mercedes is cruising.)
Lynn: (grumble) Oh look. It's where all yuppie rolling iron goes to die.
Daria: I am NOT getting on that shuttle bus again.
Jane: (groggy) Why not? No Brittany with her cheap perfume...9
Daria: Memories. Principle.
Lynn: Found one!
(And with that, she yanks the wheel sharply. Jane falls to the floor.)
Jane: (OS) Ow…
(The Mercedes slides into a parking space just as another convertible veers for the same spot. Sandi stands up on the driver's side.)
Sandi: Just because you have a great car DOESN'T give you the right to steal other people's parking spaces!
Lynn: (getting out of the car) You snooze, you lose, Janus.
(Sandi looks appalled as she sees Lynn. Then she notices Daria and her eyes about pop out of her head. The clincher is when Jane pops up from the back seat, groaning and rubbing her head.)
Sandi: (shocked) You CAN'T own that car. You just CAN'T! You're a … a … walking fashion don't!
Lynn: (shrug) Ever see what Bill Gates looks like?
Sandi: (considering) Um… (faux generous) You, like, NEED a new wardrobe to go with that car. Why don't you let the Fashion Club help you?
Daria: Excuse me?
Sandi: Look, I'm meeting the girls here and we're going to shop. You three, like, could learn something from us.
Lynn: (sarcastic) Ah, yes, lessons in how to behave like my head is full of cotton batting. That's something I've always aspired to.
(With that, Daria and Jane get out of the car and all three walk away. Sandi looks like she's considering pulling a "Fried Green Tomatoes" on Lynn's car, but then…)
Sandi: Mercedes … insurance… (shudders)
(Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Liberty" by the Levellers. Daria and Lynn are leaning against Daria's door while Jane, perched on the bed, laughs her head off.)
Helen: (OS – she's behind the door) Come ON, Daria, let me see what you bought!
Daria: No.
Helen: (OS) Daria, PLEASE! I haven't seen you in different clothes since our trip to the country!10 I just want to see the dress!
Daria: NO. You'll see it on the night. (beat; a thought occurs) And unless you promise that neither you, Dad nor Quinn will break out a camera at any point when I'm wearing it, I will risk the detention and forget the whole thing.
Helen: (OS – sigh) Daria, I'm your MOTHER. I'm SUPPOSED to take pictures of you and show them off. It's part of my JOB. (beat; knows when she's beaten) Are your friends staying for dinner?
(Both Jane and Lynn pull faces and shake their heads, waving their hands in an obvious "no way" gesture.)
Daria: Actually, we were all going to go out for pizza and a movie. (beat) And I'm dropping the dress off at Lynn's house so you don't get any ideas while I'm out.
Helen: (OS) Damn!
(Daria smirks. Lynn responds in kind. Jane keeps laughing.)
(Scene: Lynn's house. Music: "Untrue" by Coal Chamber. Daria online. Lynn lying on the bed in Daria's usual "something eating at my soul" pose.)
Daria: (mutter) Scare tactic of the week?
Lynn: (casual) Great for blackmail. (beat; casual) I can't take it anymore, Daria. Promise me that, whatever I ask, you'll answer honestly, safe in the knowledge that it will not go any further.
Daria: (shaken) Okay…
Lynn: (brisk, businesslike) Trent, your relationship with. Discuss.
Daria: (minor blush) I like him. A lot. I think he's… Well, you know.
Lynn: (businesslike) That'll do. AP, your relationship with. Discuss.
Daria: (slightly stronger blush) I like him. A lot. I…(finally realising; stunned) I have a crush on two guys.
Lynn: (sigh; kinder) Is one of them rating higher than the other at the moment?
Daria: (miserable) Nope.
Lynn: (taking pity) Hey, it's not a crime. You're only sixteen, Daria. (beat) It's just that I saw how you and AP were reacting with each other and wanted to know if Trent was still in the running, that's all.
Daria: And now you know.
Lynn: Consider the subject dropped. (thought VO) By me, anyway…
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by Lynn's locker.)
Lynn: (smirk) So they still think they coerced me into running the dance. (faux innocent) Unfortunately, when I explained to the bands on their list who they were playing for, they suddenly decided they had better things to do with their Saturday than play at a LHS dance. (evil grin) Like garrotte themselves with their own E-strings.
Jane: (smirk) Except for Mystik Spiral.
Lynn: (shrug; sigh) Problem is, their reputation precedes them. They're only allowed one set.
Jane: (smirk) I think one set will be enough, don't YOU, Lynn?
Daria: (sensing the conspiracy) Enough for WHAT?
Lynn: She's been eating art paste again. (scowls threateningly) HAVEN'T you, Jane?
(Jane just smirks some more.)
AP: (to Daria) Do you feel that they are communicating at a different level to us?
Daria: (to AP) Most of the time.
END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria jumping into the Merc with Helen and Quinn on her heels]
ACT 3
(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Helen toying with a camera. Jake behind paper.)
Helen: (stressed) Jake, would you put that paper DOWN! Daria will be down soon!
Jake: (meek) Sorry, Helen…
Helen: I hope she'll relent about the picture at least. I mean, you never see QUINN object…
(There is a thump. We close up on a pair of familiar boots for a moment.)
Helen: Here she comes! (aims camera)
Daria: (OS) Drop it, Mom.
Helen: (resigned) Damn.
(We are close-up on Helen and Jake; we don't see Daria at all yet.)
Daria: (OS) Well?
(Helen and Jake burst into tears.)
(Scene: LHS gym door. Ms Li and Ms Barch are taking money and checking off students' names against a roll sheet. Ms Li looks up as three hands place a couple of bills on the table.)
Daria: (OS) Morgendorffer. Daria.
Lynn: (OS) Cullen. Lynn.
Jane: (OS) Lane. The one and only.
(An astounded look crosses the faces of Barch and Li.)
Li: (stunned) Why, Ms Morgendorffer, Ms Cullen, Ms Lane! You look…
(We now see the girls. Daria is in a long slinky black dress slit up the left leg with a short green jacket over top. Jane is wearing a long sleeveless red dress with a choker neckline. Lynn is wearing a dark purple skirt – hem running diagonal so it falls to her ankle on the right and stops mid-thigh on the left – a black top with a plunging neckline and a choker – a simple piece of velvet ribbon. All three are still wearing their boots.)
Daria: (monotone) No compliments.
Lynn: (deadpan) We wouldn't want our heads to swell.
Jane: (wry) We might not fit into the door.
(And Barch and Li still stare. Lynn, sensing an opportunity to throw them a little more, does a slight twirl.)
Lynn: These are NOT British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cufflinks. They are in fact British Sugar Corporation Gilbert-and-Sullivan Society cufflinks. A little joke with the lads here at Balfour house. (Barch and Li blink at her in utter confusion. Daria and Jane give her a funny look.) Never mind. (under her breath) Get a sense of humour.11
Li: (regaining her voice) I congratulate you three. I thought that you would wear something…
Daria: Comfortable?
Jane: Casual?
Lynn: Inherently us?
Li: (scowling) …something unsuitable for a festive occasion.
Daria: You've got what you wanted. We paid the entry fee. Can we go home now?
Li: Of course not! After all, you want to support your friend as she does her DJ act, don't you?
Lynn: No they don't…
Jane: (remembering what's supposed to happen tonight) Yes we do! Come on! (drags girls inside.)
(Scene: LHS gym, interior. It has been decorated in a black Gothic style. The Fashion Club, minus Quinn – she hasn't shown up yet – look appalled.)
Sandi: If I had known it was going to look like this, I would NOT have worn mint green.
Tiffany: They should have warned me beforehand. Don't those freaky brains who ran this dance know I'm supposed KNOW so I can CO-ORDINATE?
Stacy: (brightly) I think it looks kind of cool!
Sandi: (threatening) WHAT did you say?
Stacy: (cowed) Nothing…
(Daria, Jane and Lynn wander past. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany stare, shocked.)
Tiffany: They co-ordinate better than we do. (beat) That is SO wrong…
Stacy: Wow! Maybe there IS hope for the fashion-deficient!
Sandi: (to Daria, Jane and Lynn) Oh, my God, you three look…
Daria, Jane & Lynn: (in unison) Compliment me and die, fashion Nazi.
(The three girls wander to the stage, where the DJ booth is set up. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany stare after them.)
Tiffany: That was SO rude…
(Scene: LHS gym, backstage. Trent is mercilessly tuning his guitar. Jesse looks at him.)
Jesse: None of my business, man, but if you keep tightening that D-string, it's gonna…
(The string snaps)
Jesse: …do that.
Trent: (nervously) Damn.
(Scene: LHS gym, DJ booth. AP is setting up.)
AP: (evil grin) I've upped the bass feed. I think the vibrations might register on the Richter scale. (beat; sees Daria – after a pause in which he looks strangled) Hey.
Daria: (blush) Hey.
Jane: (dragging Lynn off to one side) What are we going to do about THAT?
Lynn: Nothing. It's Daria's call.
Jane: (grumble) Fairness sucks.
(Lynn shrugs and goes into the DJ booth.)
Lynn: (into microphone) Hello, people and welcome to Lawndale High's first ever Goth/Rock dance. We've listened to your chart stuff and the music that only gets listened to because hormone-fuelled teenagers think the singers are hot, and we've had enough. Tonight, metal rules, so SUFFER!
(Andrea and a few assorted rockers throughout the audience raise a cheer. Brittany looks a bit impressed. The Fashion Club looks livid.)
Sandi: Oh, my GOD…
Stacy: Can we escape?
(Enter Quinn [sleeveless silver dress with full skirt and sweetheart neckline; hair up].)
Quinn: Escape from WHAT?
(Her question is answered when Lynn cranks up "The Beautiful People")
Lynn: (into mike; smirk) And this one's dedicated to the Fashion Club for admitting that Goth CAN be good sometimes. Rock on!
(The Fashion Club stands there, stunned.)
Tiffany: Did we SAY that? That is SO wrong…
(Scene: LHS gym, backstage. Some time later. Music: "Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny" – The Bloodhound Gang.12 are sitting around waiting for their cue to come on. Max approaches Trent.)
Lynn: (OS) For Upchuck … YOU WISH! (evil laugh)
Max: Sounds like Lynn's tearing it up out there.
Trent: (not paying attention; studying a lyric sheet) Whatever.
Max: Hey, are those the lyrics for that new song we're playing tonight? The ones we're not allowed to see until you sing it?
Trent: Yep.
(Max tries to grab for them. Trent yanks them away. Max sighs.)
(Scene: LHS gym. Music: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Daria and Jane are doing the wallflower thing. AP approaches.)
AP: (shy) Hey.
Daria: (shy) Hey.
Jane: (irritated) Hey.
(Lynn speaks up from the DJ booth.)
Lynn: (on mike) A concession to any lovebirds out there. One ballad.
(Music: "Can't Change Me" by Chris Cornell.)
AP: (sigh; quickly, while he has the nerve) Come on, let's dance. (grabs Daria's hand)
Daria: (stunned) I… (gets dragged off.)
(Quinn is with her friends, looking anxious. Suddenly, hands cover her eyes.)
Phantom: (OS) My ginger vixen! Come and dance under the stars with me!
Quinn: (excited) Ooh… (without a word to her friends, she leaves.)
(Scene: LHS gym, exterior. Quinn walks up to the Phantom, who is still masked.)
Phantom: One last dance before unmasking?
Quinn: Okay…
(They begin to dance.)
(Scene: DJ booth. Lynn is dancing alone, but as if she had an invisible partner. Trent enters, smiles at her for a moment, then makes like he didn't see her and knocks.)
Lynn: (stops) Enter if you dare…
Trent: (nervous) Lynn…
Lynn: (sigh) Give me the song. I assume you want an opinion. (Trent hands over the crumpled bit of paper in silence. Lynn scans it.) Perfect. Now go get ready to perform it.
(Trent smiles and leaves. Lynn shakes her head.)
(The song comes to a close. And, in the last four bars, AP tilts Daria's chin up and kisses her on the lips, just as Trent is coming out of the DJ booth. Obviously shaken, hurt and VERY angry, Trent makes for the stage.)
Daria: (who didn't notice Trent) Um… Why did you do that?
AP: (humble) Um…
(Lynn interrupts this scene.)
Lynn: (OS; on mike) All right, people, I'm taking a break, but you guys have a real treat in store. (beat) That or a new and more painful corner of hell. So quake with fear, you puny mortals, for here is Mystik Spiral.
(There is half-hearted applause.)
Trent: (to band, whispered; seething) "Spite".
Jesse: (vague) Cool. (beat; confused) Huh?
Max: What about your new song?
Trent: (vicious) There IS no new song. (crumples and tosses lyric sheet) "SPITE"!
(And Mystik Spiral start in on "Ow, My Nose".)
Lynn: (thrown) What is he DOING? (sees Daria next to AP, figures it out) Oh no…
Trent: (singing) I'm glad you're happy watching my pain
Burning crop circles on my soul's waves of grain
We had no love scene but you've cut to the chase
You're chopping off my nose to spite my face!
Jesse: Ow, my nose…
(But Trent's not singing along. Trent is, in fact, slamming his guitar through Max's bass drum.)
Max: This is NEW!
(Trent ignores him. Instead, he smashes his guitar on the nearest amp and runs offstage.)
Lynn: (panicked) Oh, BEYOND damn… (follows him out)
(Daria, meanwhile, makes her way to the front of the crowd with AP following behind.)
AP: That was cool, but … I thought people usually FINISHED their set before destroying the instruments.
(Daria is ignoring this. She picks up the crumpled sheet of paper and unfolds it. She reads with a growing look of shock on her face.)
Daria: Oh, my…
AP: What's that? Suicide note?
Daria: (heedless of the sarcasm) Not exactly. (runs out after Trent)
AP: (rattled) Where's everybody going? (follows)
Jane: (to herself) And me without my camera... (dashes out after the others)
(Scene: LHS exterior. Music: "Man That You Fear" by Marilyn Manson. Fans will recognise it as the courtyard where Daria and Jane sat and made fun of "Quinn The Brain". Trent is sitting there, literally speechless with rage. Lynn is sitting at his side, trying to comfort him.)
Trent: He… (outraged sputter)
Lynn: (kindly) Look, Trent, it probably meant squat. (beat) After all, how many girls were you interested in when YOU were 16?
Trent: (as if he hadn't heard) Yeah, but he… (outraged whimper)
Lynn: (sigh) Trent, you don't even know if it was a mutual thing.
Trent: (vicious) Yeah, but she LET him…
Lynn: (realises that's the problem; kindly) I don't think it was a question of 'let'. I mean, I'D be stunned to immobility if…
(Daria and AP round the corner. Lynn has her back to them, but Trent sees them together and, thinking to make Daria as jealous as he is, grabs Lynn by the shoulders and kisses her. After a moment, he lets her go and she pulls away, wide-eyed.)
Lynn: (weak) See? Shocked to immobility…
(A suspicion forms and she turns to see Daria looking hurt and angry, AP looking shocked and a bit smug, and Jane looking horrified.)
Lynn: (weak) Oh … hell. (stronger; to Trent) You are SUCH a twit. (turns to Daria; imploring) I…
(At this point, Quinn runs towards them in tears. She sees Daria and, too upset to care WHO knows they're related, throws herself at her now thoroughly stunned sister.)
Quinn: (sobbing) Daria, I … I want to go HOME! Please take me home! I … he … I… (incoherent sobbing)
Daria: (monotone; she's in total shock) Um … okay…
Lynn: (equally shocked; as if to herself) I … he… (sighs; mumbles) Oh, to hell with it. (gets up and staggers away in the general direction of the school.)
Quinn: (sobbing but still whiny and spoiled) Come ON, Daria! I have GOT to get out of here! (And with that, Quinn drags a dazed Daria away.)
AP: (turning to Jane; confused) What the hell?
(Jane gives AP the most evil look, and AP, no idiot, runs like hell. That leaves Jane and Trent. Jane sits down beside Trent and tries to speak.)
Jane: (struggling to maintain calm) How… Why… (gives up; shouting) What the HELL did you do THAT for?
Trent: (miserable) Oh, man…
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE LOOK-ALIKE SERIES…
ENDNOTES
1] This took place in "Trick or Trent". The 'Quinn's Phantom Admirer' subplot.
2] The only time we've ever seen all the Lawndale Lanes in the same place is "Lane Mis".
3] "The Big House" – Jane: So basically you've convinced them that you're too dull to be worth grounding.
4] Big "Daria Diaries" enthusiasts will note that, just to the side of the bulletin for the divorced women's support group, Ms Li is trying to sell a never-worn pink taffeta dress, size 8.
5] The Lane Halloween party in "Trick or Trent". Trent admits to falling in love with Daria … but to the wrong look-alike. Whoops…
6] That would be AP McIntyre, who garnered a similar reaction from Daria in "And Then There Were Four" as Trent did in "The Road Worrier".
7] Since I wrote this, I worked out that AP [and Daria, and probably Jane] would still be sixteen, according to my own dating convention. Whoops. Thank heavens for remasters.
8] In his prose adaptation of this fic, Austin Loomis pointed out something that I never noticed – I had Lynn paraphrasing Jane in "Quinn The Brain". "Well, you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited." Hmm.
9] "Malled" – stranded on a bus with Brittany "working up a sweat" with Kevin, on her way to the world's second or third largest mall. That's enough to make anyone sick.
10] I would assume that Daria was wearing her "Road Worrier" outfit when she went camping for a week with her family in "A Meeting of the Brains". And it's my fanfic so what I say goes.
11] Austin originally wanted to use this Python quote [from the Psychiatric Dairy sketch] in the "Trick or Trent" adapt. I suggested it for the adapt for this one, then found it a home in the script.
12] And another thank you to Austin, who does his research more thoroughly than I do and identified this track.
LEGAL BLATHER
Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre were created and are owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my character, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.