THE DARIA SQUARES While I ain't sure what The Hollywood Squares is the registered trademark of, I know that Daria is a registered treademark of MTV an' Viacom, whatever you like it or not, eh? (Our story begins with a Hollywood Squares like setting, each Daria character in a square. Right now, we see, from left to right, in the top row, Sandi, Quinn and Stacy, the center row, Tiffany, Jane and Trent, and the bottom row, Jesse, Nick and Max.) Announcer: One of these stars is sitting in The Secret Square, and the contestant that gets it first could win a chance to head down to MTV H.Q. . Which star is it........Sandi Griffin........Quinn Morgendorffer ........Stacy Rowe........Tiffany Blum Deckler...........Trent Lane........... Jesse Moreno............Nick Cambell............Max Tyler.............or Jane Lane....? All in The Daria Squares......and here's the mistress of The Daria Squares, Daria Morgendorffer!! (Applause) (The scene changes to the main podium, with Daria behind it, flanked by Tom on her left, for the X, and Brittany on her right, for the O.) Daria: Good evening, and welcome to tonight's broadcast of The Daria Squares. Now go to Hell, all of you. Anyhow, on my left, we got Tom Sloane, who is from a highly respectible, but still cynical, since his debut in Jane's Addition. Oh, and that plus the fact that he is also my beau, so he IS taken, eh? And on my right is EEP-EEP The Road Runner, aka Brittany Taylor, the evil cheer leader of The Lawndale Lions. Her hobbies include cheerleading, saying "EEP!!", twirling her finger 'round her pigtails and using Kevin Thomson as a punching bag. (sigh) If only she knows there's assult and battery laws against that sort of thing. Brittany (irate): I heard that!! Law or no law, Kevvy deserves to get hurted when it comes to brutality!! Besides, no court can convict me!! All PO-LICE officers, they're always sympathetic towards women like me!! Daria: Could we get on with it? Anyhow, Tom, you won the coin toss backstage so you start first. Tom: OK, I'll pick Jane. Daria (cocking a fist towards Tom): You do, and I'll.....sorry......OK, Jane, let's get with it. Jane: Youse got it. Wassup? Daria: In Fat Like Me, who said, "Oh, Quinn, I love you so much."? Jane: It's got to be Sandi, after all, she's to Quinn, what you're to me. Sandi & Quinn: AAA-MEN!! Tom: I agree. Daria: Seems like Tom gets the X--it's the right answer. (A red X lights up on Jane's podium.) Daria: Seems like tonight's game might be IN-TE-REST-ING. Britt, you're up. Brittany: I'll pick Max, he is so cute. Max: HEY!! I ain't cute, I am a criminale!! Daria: Whatever. OK. chrome dome, (Trent, Jesse and Nick laugh at that) who got elected to junior deputy in Speedtrapped? Max: It's got to be me!! Everyone knows that!! Trent, Jesse & Nick: RIGHT ON!! Brittany: I agree. Daria: Bingo. You get the O. (Across the front of Max' podium, a green O lights up.) Daria: Onward and upward--Tom, who do you pick? Tom: In that case, I pick Nick. Nick: A picnic!! (He, Trent. Jesse and Max laugh) Trent: Good one, Tom. (laugh/coughs) Daria: Hoo boy. OK, in which Daria story did Mystik Sprial pay homage to Jane with Little Sister? Nick: It's no hype that Pierce Me was the story. Daria (to Tom): Well? Tom: I agree. Daria: Right again!! You get another X!! So far, Tom's in the lead, so (to Brittany) get hopping, Britt!! Brittany: OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Anyhow, I pick Trent. Jane: KEE-RIPES!! I oughta rip off your pig tails!! Brittany: EEP!! Daria: Settle down, OK? You're up, Trent. Trent: Unkel dunkel. Daria: S-O-------in Daria: The Musical, who said, "So you found my sis at last."? Trent: It's me, right, I think? Brittany: I agree. Daria: Uh-uh, pom pom primcess--Trent fooled you. It was Quinn that said that. Quinn: An' you better believe it!! (blows raspberry.) Brittany: EEP!! Daria: Tsk, tsk. (to Tom) OK, you got a choice to win-- will it be--Jesse or Sandi to finish out the line of X patterns? Tom: Knowing how Sandi would feel if she didn't get picked, I'll go with her. Daria: Figures. Sandi: 'Bout bloody time. Tiffany: Uh, Sandi? Does the square I am in make me look fat? Sandi (testily): TIF----FANY!! Be serious!! What kind of question is THAT?!? (Stomping through the floor of her square, Sandi breaks through to make a hole before stomping through it to hit Tiffany on her head.) Tiffany: YEE-OUCH!! Daria: Hey, come on, no more rubstin, OK? Sandi, in which story did you get on poor Stacy's case for saying her hand was pruney? Sandi: "Poor Stacy's case?!?" Anyhow, that was in Daria Dance Party--and I had a right to shred her jockey panties--wht she did was SO unattractive.... Stacy: Well, how was I to know? Sandi: Well you know now, eh? (blows a raspberry.) Daria: (sigh) And knowing is half the battle. Well, Tom? Tom: I agree. Daria: So be it, you got your third X, and you win!! (Suddenly, a siren, combined with a horn sounding the horse race postime intro is heard while the squares flash.) Daria: Well, well, well, it seems Tom here not only won the first round, he also won the trip to MTV H. Q. Who knew Sandi's square was The Secret Square? (Applause) Sandi: Imagine that. Quinn: You get all the luck. By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good. Brittany: OOOOOOOO!!!! Daria: Settle down, it ain't over yet. After a word from our sponsor, we'll be back for round 2. Sandi: No more rubstin? Quinn: Go figure. (A commerical break, and then it's back to the show.) Daria: OK, let's begin with the second round. We got a new Secret Square that could earn the winner a chance to be on Sick Sad World.Brittany, you go first. Brittany: Did you say you go or Hugo? Daria: I said you go. Pick someone. Brittany: Oh, that. Tiffany. Tiffany: Huh? (As before, Sandi stomps through the hole she made, her foot hitting Tiffany's head.) Sandi: She means you, FATHEAD!! Tiffany: I knew it!! That square DOES make me look FAT!! Sandi: Just see what ol' pom pom head wants, stupid!! Brittany: OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I oughta swat your BUT-TOCKS!! Daria: Stop it, OK? Ready Tiff? Tiffany: Uh, sure...... Daria: OK, Ms. Oriental Spice, in what story did I turn to you for counseling prior to my job at It's A Nutty Nutty Nutty World? Tiffany: Uh........Lucky Strike. Brittany: Lucky Strike?!? I disagree. Daria: When you hear the bell, head over to History!! You get an O!! (to Tom) Get with it, if you still wanna win. Tom: Gimme Jesse. Jesse: Cool. Daria: In what chord do you get a cramp from? Jesse: A minor 7th. Tom: I disagree. Daria: right--we all know it's an A diminished that causes cramps. Jesse: I didn't know that. Daria: You're up, Britt. Brittany: Make mine Jane. Jane: Who, me? OK. Daria: A collection of sound clips await you, o partner in crime. Anyhow, what story parodied the book title, The Teachings Of Don Juan? Jane: Um.......The Teachings Of Don Jake? Brittany: I agree. Daria: Presto!! You win an O. You're up, Tom. Tom: Trent. Trent: We goin' to rock!! Daria: Then rock. Which story featured you in boxer shorts? Trent: Daria, The Musical, what else. Tom: I agree. Daria: You get another X, as if you didn't know. You're up, Britt. Brittany: Hoo boy. I'll try Stacy. Stacy: HURRAH!! Daria: Get your thinking pigtails on--in Fair Enough, wh promiseed to call but never did? Stacy: You should know, it was Bret Strand!! Brittany: I agree. Daria: Congrats, you get yet another O. (At the moment, the siren/post horn call combo sound is heard.) Daria: Seems like the eepmeister just wom herself a chance to be on Sick Sad World. Brittany: WOOOOOOOOO----------------OOOOOOOOW!!!! Daria: It ain't over yet. Tom? Tom: Quinn. Quinn: WHOO-HOO!! Daria: Time to get it on. OK, sis, what accent did Dr. Shar use in Too Cute? Quinn: Brooklyn? Tom: I agree. Daria: Sorry, but it's a Southern accent she used. Tom: Oh foo. Daria: It's all up to you, Brittany. Brittany: Gimme Quinn. Daria: As you wish. Quinn, in what story did you complain over freakin' labor? Quinn: Boxing Daria, what else? Brittany: I agree. Daria: Here comes your O!! Tom, you up to taking a stab? Tom: Just gimme Sandi again. Daria: Here we go again. Sandi, in which story did my mom take part in one of your makeovers? Sandi: Of Human Bonding, what else? Tom: I agree. Daria: And you get another X. Well Britt? Seems like it's a fight to the finish. Brittany: Not when i got the Lawndale Lions spunk. Gimme Nick. Daria: So be it. OK, Pic Nick, who shattered Brittany's crystal bullhorn? Brittany: Good question--WHO?!? Nick: Hey, girl, it was that sister of yours that sat on the soundboard that shattered that ol' bullhorn, eh? Brittany: WHAT?!? Then I agree!! Daria: And it seems The Princess Of Pigtails is right--she wins the round!! Now let's check the money they made--and Tom's got $1200 bucks over Britt's $806, which means Tom Sloane is the winner!! (Applause) Brittany: EEP!! (Suddenly Kevin runs in here, steamed to the teakettles.) Kevin:So you've got eyes for those two dues, eh? You've gone to far!! Brittany (also livid): OOOOOOO, Kevvy, you should talk, the way YOU'VE been hanging with the other cheer leaders!! You're DEAD!! (Brittany swings her fist--and for the first time, Kevin jumps out of its way and stomps his spiked shoe on Brittany's foot, before punching her one in her eye.) Brittany: OW!! Kevvy, that ain't in the script!! Kevin: Hang the script!! You've beaten me around throughout the show!! Now it's MY TURN!! (Whips out a can of spinach.) Brittany: Spinach? Kevin: If it's good enough for that sailor dude, it's good enough for me!! (Chomps down on the spinach, while the Popeye theme plays, then slugs brittany in the worst way before he lands an atomic punch on the hapless cheerleader, and tears off her pig tails.) Brittany (weakly): Stick a fork in me--I am done!! (Falls to the ground.) Daria: (sighs) Oh well.......that does it for another broadcast of The Daria Squares, so tune in next time.....that is, if it don't meet the same fate the Daria show did. Or words to that effect. (Applause) Good night, I think. (After that, the scene changes to the credits and the following alter egos of the characters--Daria as Hedda Hopper, Jane as Final Fantasy VII's Tifa Lockheart, Tom as Dr. Kildare, Brittany as Mae West, Kevin as Tuxedo Mask, the guys in Mystik Sprial as Kiss and The Fashion Club as the soldiers doing the flag rasing ritual at Iwo Jima--while Huey Lewis & The News' It's Hip To Be Square plays.) OWARI (THE END)