The Christmas Clip Show
By Mahna Mahna (03)
Daria: Hey, Season’s Greetings from the cast of ‘Daria’, and welcome to ‘The Christmas Clip Show’. The way, this works is… um…well…
Jane: Let me explain. You know how when some people completely forget about buying Christmas gifts until the night before, they go through some of their old stuff to try to wrap up and pass it off as a brand new gift? This is sort of like that.
Daria: We took all the old holiday segments that weren’t --
Jane: --good enough?
Daria: (glares at Jane) --long enough to make a regular episode of Daria and grouped them all into one big holiday special.
Jane: Our last minute gift to you, our viewers! Isn’t it great, folks?!
Daria: I told you we should have gotten them a gift certificate for Best Buy.
Jane: They’ll like it. You’ll see.
Daria: Next year, we do separate gifts.
“The Oddest Present”
(At the Lane house, Jane is unwrapping a gift from Trent while he and Daria watch.)
Jane: Wow, Trent thanks for the sweater. It’s very…. um… colorful. (sets down the orange, green, and brown sweater.)
Trent: Woah. That’s a relief. I was afraid you were gonna be like…. Ew.
Jane: (desperately trying to show enthusiasm) No, no of course not. Maybe ‘Ooo’, but not… ‘Ew.‘
Trent: Good. Here, Daria, this next one’s for you.
Daria: (blushes a little) Oh, um, you didn’t have to do that.
Trent: Sure I did. You’re a friend and all. (hands the present to her)
Daria: Thanks. (She takes it and unwraps it. We can see it’s book, but we can’t see the title. Daria’s eyes widen.) Uh… it certainly seems….interesting. Trent, what made you pick this?
Trent: I dunno, what book is it?
Jane: You don’t know what you got her?
Trent: I wasn’t looking when I got it.
Trent: Well you see, it’s like this… I have this… thing… about bookstores. Don’t ask why, the scars of memory wound me to talk about it.
Daria: (whispers aside to Jane) Scars of memory?
Trent: All I can say is, it involved a ‘68 Chevy, a gift certificate, and a duck. Anyway, I knew I should get Daria a book for Christmas. I really couldn’t think of anything else. So I said to myself, ‘Trent, you’ve got to conquer your fears, or you’ll be a slave to them.’
So I tried to go into that one bookstore at the mall, you know? I kept trying to go in, but I just couldn’t do it. I looked inside and there was this shelf with books under 5 bucks, so I thought I could just run in, grab a book, throw six bucks on the counter, and run out. I thought I’d… like… let destiny decide what present you’d get. And I did.
Daria: (looks at book) Destiny wanted me to own The Gay Wiccan’s Guide to Nova Scotia?
Jane: Destiny has a weird sense of humor.
Trent: Hey, can I use that for a song?
(Wearing a Santa cap, Jane walks into the center of a stage and clears her throat)
Jane: Messed up Christmas Carol #217: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
(begins to sing)
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
with my camera.
I showed the double prints to Dad, and he went down to the mall later and got the guy fired for revenge.
(Nighttime in Daria’s bedroom)
(Daria is sound asleep when a faint, wavering voice comes out of the darkness.)
Voice: Dariiaaa….. Dariaaa….
(Daria rolls over, but does not wake)
Voice: YO! WEIRD MISERY CHICK! WAKE UP!
Daria: (bolts up) AH!!
(Pan out to see a ghost covered in chains floating over Daria’s bed. As we look closer, we can see it is…)
Daria: (wide-eyed) Tommy Sherman?
Tommy: (spooky ghost voice) Ask meee whooo I wasss….
Daria: Why? I already know who you are.
Tommy: Pfft. Sure, spoil the routine.
Daria: What do you want with me!?
Tommy: I’m here to warn you loser about something. All my life, I was what some uncooler people called ‘a jerk’, so now I have to wear all these chains. There’s time to save yourself.
Daria: Hey! I don’t act like a jerk. And why would you want to help me?
Tommy: You’re not cool enough to pull off the chain look; I am.
(Daria gives him a dirty look)
Tommy: (sighs) Ok, so I have 24 hours of community service to do. So what. (gets the spooky voice again) Toniiiight yooouuuu will beeee haunnnted by fooouuuurrr spiriiiittsss….. the paaaast…. the presseeent …. and the fuuuutturrree…..
Daria: Um, shouldn’t that be three spirits?
Tommy: No, four. Goodbye loser! (fades away)
Daria: Rude… self-absorbed…. ignorant…. that was Tommy Sherman alright.
(Suddenly, a clock strikes twelve. The room is suddenly filled with a brilliant light. Daria shields her eyes until the light fades down and reveals….)
Daria: No! It can’t be!
Butthead: We’re, like, the ghosts of Christmas Past.
(Daria searches frantically for a weapon… a means of escape… anything. She finally sees her telephone on the floor and picks it up.)
Beavis: Huh-huh! Who ya gonna call?
(Suddenly, the door bursts open.)
Bill Murray: Ghostbusters!
(He and the other Ghostbusters blast the annoying, disgusting cartoon ghosts with their proton beams.)
Bill: That’ll be five thousand dollars.
Daria: Um, thanks. Could you put it on my tab?
(The guys look at each other)
Dan Aykroyd: Get her!
(They blast the beam at her)
(Suddenly, it is morning. Daria bolts up in her bed, looks around frantically, then sighs in relief.)
Daria: It was just a dream! (narrows eyes) That’s it, Morgendorffer. No more expired nog and HBO before bed for you.
(Daria goes to her window, opens it, then calls down to a random teenager walking down her street.)
Daria: You there! What day is this?
Teen: (in a squeaky-British accent) Why it’s mid-term day, M’am!
Daria: It’s mid-term day. Then I haven’t missed it. (frowns) Bah humbug.
(Like before, Jane walks to the center of a stage wearing a Santa cap)
Jane: Messed-up Christmas Carol #39: Quinn the Red-head Junior. (begins to sing)
Quinnie the Red-head Junior
had a very shiny nose
But then she put some Cover Girl powder on it and fixed it.
“The Cabbage Patch Kid from Hades”
(Daria is in her room, sprawled out on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone and flipping through an old photo album.)
Daria: …. but one of the things that actually makes this annual materialism-fest worthwhile is picking out presents for Quinn every year, finding just the right thing that she‘ll utterly despise.
Jane: Such as…
Daria: Hm…. (she looks at various pictures of Quinn by the Christmas tree, looking obviously displeased with her gifts)… well, there was a gift certificate for Vitamin World….
Daria: …but effective. (She grins.) And then there was the whoopee cushion…. the fake tarantula…. (she comes upon a certain picture.)… but the one that had the greatest results came from the one year I actually tried to get something she’d like.
(Flashback to 1996. The Morgendorffer family is sitting around the Xmas tree as Quinn unwraps her present.)
Quinn: A doll? (to Daria) Don’t you think I’m a little old for that? I mean, hel - lo! I’m thirteen!
Daria: (frowns slightly) But you sleep with stuffed animals, and those are almost like dolls. And I thought you collected Cabbage Patch dolls. I thought you’d like it.
Helen: Of course she does. Quinn, Daria put a lot of effort into finding a gift for you…. don’t you have something to say?
Quinn: Yeah, what’s the catch?
(Helen glares at her.)
Quinn: (sighs) Alright, thank you. (looks at the doll) Hm…. Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids… well, it is kind of cute. Oh, and look! You can actually feed it little snacks! Aww…
(Cut to later that night. Quinn is asleep in bed, with the Cabbage Patch doll in bed with her among her stuffed animals.
As Quinn turns over, a lock of her hair falls across the doll‘s face and into the mouth.
The mouth begins to move, latching onto the hair and slowly ingesting more and more.
Quinn sleepily opens her eyes at the mechanical sound of the mouth opening and closing. She comes face to face with the attacking doll.
She jumps out of bed screaming and runs out of her bedroom, down the hall, and into Jake and Helen’s room with the Cabbage Patch kid still hanging from her hair.)
Quinn: The doll’s trying to eat me! The doll’s trying to eat me!
Jake: (yawning) That’s nice, kiddo.
Helen: (sleepily) Quinn, stop playing with your doll and go back to bed.
Daria: By the time Mom and Dad finally realized what was happening, the doll had practically reached her scalp.
Jane: Wow. I think I remember those dolls too. Didn’t they recall all of those?
Daria: Yup. We were able to get the money back, and we used the cash to try to make Quinn‘s hair look good again. (close up on the picture Daria was looking at, with Quinn sporting a boyishly short hairstyle.) ‘Try’ being the key word.
Jane: And all that without even trying. Think you can top that this year?
Daria: I haven’t been able to come up with any ideas I like. You don’t happen to know of any other cannibalistic dolls that I can buy?
Jane: No. Wanna call the Barbie company and see if they’re interested in making one?
Daria: Hm… good thinking.
Jane: I know. I’ll go look up their number.
Daria: Hannibal Barbie: Silence of the Plastic.
Jane: Messed up Christmas Carol #11: Here We Come A-Wassailing
Here we come a-wassailing among the leaves so green;
Here we come a-wassailing, whatever the heck that means….
Love and joy come to you, and to you our wassail, too.
And God bless you and send you a dictionary
so that you can look up wassailing with me.
Seriously, what the heck does ’wassailing’ mean? If I’m going to go out and “wassail”, I’d like to know what it is I’m doing.
Daria: It means ‘to give a toast to someone’.
Jane: Thank you Ms. Dictionary… Miss Webster…. Miss Oxford….
Daria: Thank you, Miss Thesaurus.
“Christmas in Class”
(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall to their next class, English)
Daria: It’s times like this when I don’t mind school as much. Anything to get away from tacky decorations at home.
Jane: It can’t be that bad.
Daria: Oh really. Then perhaps you’d like to join us tonight as we decorate our front-lawn’s pink Santa with icicle lights?
Jane: I stand corrected.
(They enter the room, then stop in shock as the other students enter around them. The English room is covered in bright strings of lights in all sizes and all colors of the rainbow. An overly-large manger scene stands out in the back and, oddly enough, contains a reindeer. Every corner has an animated talking Santa. The room, obviously, is the epitome of tackiness.)
Daria: Good grief, it’s an epidemic…
Jane: It looks like Santa threw-up in here.
(O’Neill enters the room, wearing a Santa hat.)
O’Neill: Seasons Greetings, class!
(All students who are standing, including Daria and Jane now take their seats.)
O’Neill: Now I know you’ve all probably noticed the decorations; I just want to help you all get into the Christmas spirit. (turns to Daria and Jane in surprise) Well! It seems you to have already gotten into the spirit!
(The girls look at each other in confusion.)
O’Neill: Why, you’re wearing red and green, the Christmas colors!
(The girls look at each other again, their eyes wide with sudden realization.)
(Jane quickly takes off her top red shirt and Daria removes her green jacket. Brittany, who is sitting close to Daria, frowns.)
Brittany: (points at Daria’s orange shirt) But now you’re wearing orange and black! Those are Halloween colors!
(Daria grumbles something about how she just can’t win and puts her jacket back on.)
O’Neill: Now, since we’re getting so close to Christmas, I thought we’d take some time to learn the background of some popular Christmas carols. (He picks up some notes from his desk and searches through them, finally stopping at one in particular.) Ah, I know! We’ll do “Deck the Halls” first. Now, this song mentions the word ‘yuletide’. Does anybody know what a yule is?
(Nobody raises their hand.)
O’Neill: Hmm… well, a yule is defined as “‘the feast of the nativity of Jesus Christ.” Can anybody guess what could be considered “gay apparel“?
Kevin: Isn’t that, like, stuff with rainbows on it and stuff?
(The class discussion continues as Daria turns to Jane.)
Daria: This is a pointless waste of time. I already knew all this. Shouldn’t school be for learning?
Jane: Hey, I’m just glad we’re getting an easy day, but if he makes us sing, I’m walking out.
O’Neill: …and when we say “heedless of the wind and weather,” we mean that the weather doesn’t bother us! Now that we’ve gone over all the lyrics… (he takes out an acoustic guitar that was hidden behind his deck).. it’s time to sing!
(Many students groan, a few who enjoy that sort of thing grin, and Jane bangs her head on her desk. Mr. O’Neill starts strumming the guitar and singing while most of the class joins in half-heartedly.)
O’Neill: (singing badly) Deck the Halls with boughs of holly!
Daria: (to Jane) Well?
Jane: (stops banging her head on the desk and looks up) C’mon Daria; I can’t leave.
Daria: Do it. Seriously. I’ll cover for you.
Jane: (skeptically) You sure, amiga?
Daria: Really. Just go… quickly.
(Jane looks like she’s still unsure, but decides to trust Daria. She quickly gets up and goes out the door. Mr. O’Neill stops in the middle of the song, looking concerned.)
Daria: Now you’ve done it. Christmas time is hard enough for her, and you have to go and remind her of her long lost sister, Holly.
O’Neill: Oh dear! I should go after h…
Daria: No, let me. She needs a friend. You understand, right? (She gets up and heads for the door.)
O’Neill: I just feel so terrible!
Daria: Well, at least you didn’t pick “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.”
O’Neill: (gasps) You mean…
Daria: Yes. May she rest in peace.
Jane: Messed-up Christmas carol #75: Winter Wonderland
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say “Are you married?
We'll say “No man…”
Then he’ll say, “Are you planning on it anytime soon?”
We’ll say “Um… we haven’t talked about it. Maybe.”
He’ll say, “Because you’ve been together for quite awhile now, and I’ve heard some things about you…”
And things will get really awkward, until we realize he’s just a snowman, so we just walk away, wondering what would make us get intimidated by packed snow.
“Gift of the Mag-idiot”
(The Fashion club sits in a circle on Quinn’s bedroom floor. Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy are clutching a gift bag. Tiffany is in the middle of a presentation, while Stacy takes notes.)
Tiffany: And thaaaaaat is why you reeeeeaaallly shouldn’t wear red and green together…. even if they areeee supposed to be the season’s signature colorrrrs.
(The other girls applaud. Sandi speaks as the clapping dies down.)
Sandi: A very informative presentation, Tiffany. Thank you. Now, we move on to the next part of our Holiday-Special Meeting, the Secret Santa Exchange. Do we all have our gifts?
(Tiffany and Stacy each hold up their gift bags as Quinn looks on nervously.)
(Close up on: Quinn’s ‘To-Do’ List……
X Buy ultra-cute red dress for Britney’s Xmas eve party
X Decide between ‘Peppermint’ and ‘Holly/Mistletoe’ perfumes for date with Sklyar
X Make gift list for self
X Get stupid presents for stupid family
Buy present for Sandi
Quinn: (VO) Oh, I’m doomed. (out loud) Uh, yeah. I’ve got mine. Yep, can’t forget the Fashion Club Secret Santa Exchange! (laughs nervously)
Sandi: Very well then. Let the records show that to prove our unselfishness, we have bought these gifts with our own money, and not our parents’ money. Are you getting that down, Stacy?
Stacy: (writing rapidly) …. Not… sponging….off…. parents…. (looks up at Sandi) Yep!
Sandi: Excellent. We will proceed with the gift-giving in an orderly fashion. One person will go at a time. As president, I will start first. (hands Stacy her green gift bag) Merry Christmas, or whatever.
Stacy: Oh, Sandi! (She rummages through the tissue paper inside and pulls out a perfume bottle covered in rhinestones.) Wow, it’s so pretty!
Sandi: I thought you could put that new perfume of yours, Compulsion, in it.
Stacy: (tearing up) Oh… but I sold my perfume to my cousin to buy Tiffany’s present!
(She hands Tiffany a pink gift bag. Tiffany pulls her present out of the bag.)
Tiffany: A necklaceeee! And it matches that braaaclet I used to haaaaave…
Stacy: (sniffles) Used to have?
Tiffany: I sold it to buy Quinn’s present. (Hands Quinn a blue bag.)
Sandi: Gee, girls, couldn’t you have just gotten, like, a job or something to pay for this?
Stacy: Is that how you got your money for my present?
Sandi: Hey, being a good grand-daughter is full time job. (pause) What? We said no money from parents!
Quinn: (taking her present) Oh, a stuffed bunny! It’s so cute! Thanks, Tiffany.
(The girls look at her expectantly.)
Quinn: Oh, but it’s too bad because I… sold my, um… stuffed bunny… kit…thing…to buy Sandi’s present which is..um… downstairs. (stands up) I’ll just go get it.
(She races out of the room and downstairs to the family room where Daria is watching TV. )
TV announcer: What’s really going on between Rudolph and Vixen? Reindeer Rampant Romance, next on Sick Sad World!
(Daria looks over from the couch to see Quinn rummaging through the presents under the tree.)
Quinn: (muttering to herself) No, that won’t work… no…..
Daria: If you’re looking for your integrity, you're fifteen years too late...
Quinn: I don’t have time for your stupid jokes now, Daria. I forgot to get a present for the Secret Santa thing and now I need a replacement or else I am dead!
Daria: And what are you going to do when Christmas comes and somebody is missing a present, hm?
Quinn: (annoyed) I’ll have replaced it by then! Now let’s see…..mm, my gift for Dad wouldn’t work, unless Sandi secretly likes ties…. my gift to you wouldn’t work….. (picks up a red gift) What about this one?
Daria: I wouldn’t give that to Sandi if I were you. That’s Dad’s gift to Mom.
Quinn: What’d he get her?
(She drops the gift in disgust.)
Daria: (sighs) Listen, why don’t you give her my gift to you?
Quinn: (suspiciously) What’d you get me?
Daria: A book.
Quinn: (groans. It’d figure that Daria would get her something she wouldn’t like.) Is it at least something she could pretend to like?
Daria: (shrugs) She might, for all I know. I don’t know her that well. Do you really have a choice in the matter?
Quinn: (thinks, then sighs) I guess not. (grabs the gift) Well, bye….
(She runs back upstairs as Daria looks after her. When she is sure Quinn is gone, she picks up a nearby phone and dials Jane’s number.)
Daria: Jane? I think I may have set a new record for the worst gift for Quinn. (Grins)
(Meanwhile, back upstairs…..)
Quinn: Merry Christmas, Sandi. (hands her the gift)
Sandi: Wow, cool wrapping paper. (unwraps the gift) Oh, a book. (looks at the title and grows red) QUINN! What….why…
Quinn: What? (grabs book and looks at title) The Gay Wiccan’s Guide to Novia Scotia?! DARIA!!! (bolts out of the room)
(Cut to Daria’s room as she’s barricading the door from the inside)
Daria: …and to all a goodnight.
Jane: Messed-up Christmas carol #378: The Little Drummer Boy…
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?
You wanna hear Wipe Out? Ooo! I know! Something from Stomp!
(drags out a trashcan and starts beating on it with sticks)
Oo... tough crowd.
“Have an Above Average December 25th If You Want To”
Tom: We here at the set of Daria just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
Daria: Uh, Tom? Not everyone celebrates Christmas. What about the Jewish? They celebrate Chanukah.
Tom: Why is it you care? Are you Jewish?
Daria: No, just empathetic.
Jane: Empathetic? What kind of religion is that?
Tom: Well, OK. Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah.
Jane: Wait! What about Kwanzaa, that African holiday. And I’m sure there are a lot more celebrations throughout the world.
Tom: Well what should I say? I know….. Happy Holidays, everyone!
Daria: Not everyone celebrates a holiday.
Tom: Um…. Happy…. Winter?
Jane: The people in Australia are having summer now.
Tom: (getting irritated) Listen what difference does this make? I mean, the majority of people who will see this are white Americans who celebrate Christmas!
Daria: So you’re saying the majority is more important than the minorities. I can’t believe you just said that.
Jane: Wow, I never knew you were racist.
Tom: I’m not! I take it back. Let me try again. (He thinks awhile, then smiles) No matter what your ethnicity or religion, spend the present time doing good, having fun, staying safe, and being happy.
(He grins, thinking he’s got them beat, until he sees them glaring a little. His smile falters)
Jane: Hey, don’t tell them what to do! You’re not the boss of them!
Daria: (suspicious) I don’t like the way you’re grinning. And did I just see you wink at the camera? You’re cheating on me with a girl in the audience, aren’t you? I knew it.
(Tom runs away screaming in frustration as the girls glare after him. After he’s gone, they smile and chuckle a little)
Daria: Heh. That was fun. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Jane: (to audience) Merry Christmas, everyone! And may all your greetings be politically correct!
~~~Authors Notes and Interesting Information~~~
The idea for The Gay Wiccan’s Guide to Nova Scotia is based on a book I saw once in the New Releases section of a book store about gay witchcraft.
The Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids were real also. They were introduced in 1996 and recalled after complaints poured in about how children were getting their hair and fingers caught inside the doll.
Trent seriously doesn’t like bookstores. (See “Pierce Me” if you have doubts.)
In December 2003, I issued an Iron-Chef challenge based on “The Weirdest Present” in which Trent’s fear of bookstores must be explained in a fic that included a ’68 Chevy, a gift certificate, and a duck. The result can be foundhere…
Special thanks to Charles Dickens and O. Henry for my use of A Christmas Carol and The Gift of the Magi.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything or anyone mentioned in this fic.
Thanks and mental hugs to my beta readers, Beth Ann, Scarlett, and Tananda! If anything is wrong with this, blame them. ;-)
Thanks for reading!
And may all your greetings be politically correct!
Wallace: "The question is, what is a Mahna Mahna?"
Statler: "The question is, who cares?
---The Muppet Show (The Mahna Mahna Song)