THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE (SERIES TWO): A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 23

CLOSE AND APART

 (Jane, Charlie and Neill go to an art fair, while Christie opens up to Daria about her problems with Sandi)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Night, Jane and Lucy's dorm)

 

CHARLIE

Can I talk now?

 

JANE

No

 

CHARLIE

Now?

 

JANE

No

 

CHARLIE

You know, there's a lot more to posing for a portrait than meets the eye...

 

JANE

Well, you should have considered that when you agreed

 

CHARLIE

Can't you just take a Polaroid?

 

JANE

Probably

 

CHARLIE

Then what the hell am I dong here?

 

JANE

Spending time with your girlfriend...

 

CHARLIE

Point taken

 

JANE

Besides, you should be happy with sitting in the presence of your goddess for three hours straight, without moving or speaking. Now hush, lest I decide that breathing is detrimental to my art...

 

(Jane continues to paint)

 

(There's a knock at the door)

 

JANE

You don't move

 

(Jane leaves)

 

CHARLIE

But you're not painting right now

 

(Jane opens door)

 

NEILL

G'day spunky!

 

JANE

Neill! Umm...this isn't a good time

 

NEILL

What? (Pokes head in door)

 

JANE

I'm painting

 

NEILL

G'day mate! You Charlie?

 

(Charlie doesn't move or speak)

 

NEILL

Right. Not allowed to move or speak, just blink twice for yes, once for no

 

(Charlie blinks twice)

 

JANE

I said don't move!

 

(Charlie is scared straight)

 

NEILL

Anyhow, just saw this in the Raft Paper, wondering if you and Charlie here were interested

 

(Neill hands Jane paper)

 

JANE

'Art in the Park' huh? Sounds cool. I'm in, I can sell some stuff. I'm getting sick of Ramen noodles anyhow. Charlie, you may speak now

 

CHARLIE

Sounds cool, we'll be there...

 

NEILL

Well, see you around Spunky, nice to meet you Charlie

 

CHARLIE

You too

 

JANE

Okay, that's enough

 

(Neill leaves)

 

Scene II (INT, Morning, Raft Coffee House)

 

 

(Daria walks in with uniform, to find Christie behind counter)

 

CUSTOMER

This Macchiato just isn't up to scratch

 

CHRISTIE

Life's a bitch then you die. No refunds.

 

(Customer walks away in huff while Daria walks behind counter)

 

DARIA

So, what's up?

 

CHRISTIE

Apart from the chance of a heart attack from the salads at McDonalds? Nothing...

 

DARIA

Umm...hang in there?

 

CHRISTIE

You're not very good at this sisterhood crap are you?

 

DARIA

Never have been. So, how is it...going?

 

CHRISTIE

Apart from crying myself to sleep and attracting campus security to my dorm because they thought a seal was dying in the dorm? Bad...

 

DARIA

Sounds like you need Chinese and Fellinni...

 

CHRISTIE

Thanks, I'd like that

 

DARIA

Well, you did it for me when I was going through some stuff. I should probably do the sisterly thing and reciprocate

 

CHRISTIE

Probably?

 

DARIA

I'm afraid if I go down this road pretty soon I'll be comparing notes on various boy bands with all my gal pals, and that just can not be...

 

CHRISTIE

It would alter time and space itself, thanks...

 

DARIA

For what?

 

CHRISTIE

Not abandoning me

 

DARIA

Why would I do that?

 

CHRISTIE

I can think of a few reasons

 

(Patrick enters)

 

PATRICK

How is my favourite lady and her mother?

 

DARIA

Good. Christie, can I take a break?

 

CHRISTIE

You just got here. It's coming out of your pay check, so sure...

 

(Daria takes Patrick to table outside)

 

DARIA

Can you take it easy on all the lovey-dovey stuff?

 

PATRICK

I thought you liked it...

 

DARIA

I do, oddly enough...it's just that...

 

PATRICK

Yes

 

DARIA

I meant not in front of Christie

 

PATRICK

Huh?

 

DARIA

She broke up with her girlfriend

 

PATRICK

Wait? She's likes girls!?......but that's not the point, is it?

 

DARIA

No. I just think we need to be a bit more...discrete around her

 

PATRICK

Am I suddenly seeing a compassionate side?

 

DARIA

Depends, do you like it?

 

PATRICK

I like anything you do

 

DARIA

Then I have something to tell you about my penchant for wanton destruction

 

PATRICK

You...are just joking right?

 

DARIA

Yes Patrick

 

PATRICK

Cool, so we still on for tomorrow night?

 

DARIA

I'm afraid not. I'm doing the sisterly thing...

 

PATRICK

Understandable, can I get it out of my system now then?

 

DARIA

Get what out of your system?

 

PATRICK

A million poets could try for a million years and yet only describe but one-eighth of your beauty. Let's see...what other lines do I have in the locker?

 

DARIA

I thought you said you were spontaneous

 

PATRICK

I am. But I like to think about you in my spare time

 

Scene III (EXT, Day, McDonald Park)

 

NEILL

Is this all of it?

 

JANE

Yep

 

(Neill and Charlie take art out of Charlie's car)

 

CHARLIE

She's quite the artist, isn't she?

 

NEILL

I'll say mate! I reckon these paintings take talent

 

CHARLIE

Unlike our stuff

 

NEILL

You know, for a film student, you're alright...

 

(The group come to an empty stall)

 

JANE

And this is our area...

 

NEILL

Wow, small....

 

JANE

And think what fun you'll have setting up while I go and talk to Lars!

 

(Jane walks away)

 

(Lars is setting up his own stall)

 

LARS

Ah, Jane Lane, what an unexpected surprise!

 

JANE

Sure, any of my stuff selling?

 

LARS

I've only sold two so far, but there is some good feedback coming from customers

 

JANE

And did you happen to have a check on you?

 

LARS

You artists don't mess around do you? Here.

 

 (Hands Jane a check)

 

(Jane looks at the check with great surprise)

 

LARS

I know it's not much, but I'm afraid that's the going rate these days...

 

JANE

This will be fine, thank you! (Jane walks away)

 

(Jane walks back to her stall)

 

NEILL

So then I said, screw you mate, she was like that when I got there...

 

CHARLIE

Wow, interesting story...

 

JANE

I see you two are getting along... (nervously)

 

NEILL

Yeah, Charlie's a top bloke

 

CHARLIE

Tells interesting stories involving all manners of devices...

 

JANE

Well, at least we won't have to sell anything today

 

CHARLIE

Huh?

 

(Jane hands Charlie check)

 

CHARLIE

$300!!?? God damn! What are you going to do with the money?

 

JANE

I have no idea

 

NEILL

I reckon you spend it on one all-mighty piss up

 

CHARLIE

The man has a point

 

JANE

Well, we can decide while you're buying me a slice

 

(They walk off)

 

NEILL

That's my girl! Get $300 and then make the bloke pay for pizza, classic Jane.

 

Scene IV (INT, Day, Raft Coffee House)

 

CUSTOMER

Sorry, but this coffee is too hot...

 

CHRISTIE

And then Goldilocks said 'this coffee is too cold, but this one is just right!' Hit the road!

 

(Customer walks away)

 

DARIA

Maybe you shouldn't be serving customers today

 

CHRISTIE

Maybe you shouldn't be existing today

 

DARIA

That doesn't make any sense

 

CHRISTIE

I know...

 

DARIA

I know I'm going to regret this but....do you want to...talk about it?

 

CHRISTIE

Do we have any customers?

 

DARIA

Not that I can see

 

CHRISTIE

Okay. Back room.....Rodney, take over

 

RODNEY

Sure dude

 

(Daria and Christie walk into back room)

 

(Daria and Christie sit down)

 

CHRISTIE

We better make his quick, leaving Rodney to work unsupervised is like letting a bull loose in a china store...

 

DARIA

So, what happened?

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...it's just this whole apartment issue

 

DARIA

Apartment issue?

 

CHRISTIE

Oh yeah, that's right. I don't talk to you about my relationship with Sandi. Makes you feel uneasy...

 

DARIA

Huh?

 

CHRISTIE

When my tongue finds that sweet spot...

 

DARIA

Stop

 

CHRISTIE

See! Anyhow, she was moving out of her apartment, and wanted to find a better place. She was working so much because she had to save for the bond. So me, like the fool I am, decide that this would be the ideal time to move in together. Not only could I solve her money problems, but it would somehow cement our relationship.

 

DARIA

I take it she didn't like the proposal?

 

CHRISTIE

That's just it, she said that she didn't like the idea, but I just had to keep on pushing the idea because of my own stuff...

 

DARIA

Your own stuff?

 

CHRISTIE

I don't want to talk about it...

 

DARIA

OK, then why do you think she didn't like the idea?

 

CHRISTIE

We hadn't been going out 6 months when I kept on pushing her toward a further commitment. Anybody would get freaked out, and now I find myself all alone again...

 

DARIA

Do you want to get back together with her?

 

CHRISTIE

She said she wanted a break, but that's just polite-speak for 'I'm leaving your ass'...

 

DARIA

You said you had...stuff?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah, I do

 

DARIA

Maybe you should deal with that...

 

CHRISTIE

I've tried to for so many years. When I get remotely close though, I freeze and run away...ironic really...

 

(A crash from counter)

 

DARIA AND CHRISTIE

Rodney!

 

Scene V (EXT, Day, McDonald Park)

 

CHARLIE

Buy a painting?

 

(Customer walks by)

 

CHARLIE

I'm sorry Jane, I'm no good at this selling stuff...

 

JANE

That's okay, I would have been worried if you were good at participating in capitalist rituals and going out with me at the same time...

 

CHARLIE

If you're such a Marxist, then why do you eat Pizza, the symbol of American capitalism?

 

JANE

Because I don't pay for it

 

NEILL

I reckon I can give it a shot...

 

JANE

Give what a shot?

 

(Neill travels to front of booth and starts to yell)

 

NEILL

Come one and all to the amazing stall of the eponymous Jane Lane, known throughout the land for her bold artistic statements and original style! You sir! Yes you, with the hat! Buy a painting, do it for the good of the economy, do it for your country, do it because you love art!

 

MAN

I'll take two of whatever you're selling!

 

NEILL

That'll be $100!

 

(Exchange takes place)

 

NEILL

See folks! It's that easy! Step up! Impress your lady friends by displaying this fine art and displaying your softer side! It's the call of the metro sexual folks! It works, believe me!

 

MAN

I'll take 3!

 

NEILL

$120

 

(Exchange takes place)

 

JANE

Neill...how...did you do that?

 

NEILL

It's all the accent luv

 

CHARLIE

That was incredible; we have no more stock left! And it's only 1 in the afternoon!

 

NEILL

And you two crazy kids have the whole day to spend together! No need to thank me, but if you are, I believe a slab would be in order.

 

JANE

Well, thank you

 

NEILL

Always happy to help out a mate, now did you two want some time alone? Because I can catch the bus back to Raft if you guys wanted...

 

CHARLIE

I won't hear of it!

 

NEILL

Sounds like a plan!

 

CHARLIE

I've...just got to make a phone call first.

 

NEILL

No worries mate

 

(Charlie and Neill walk away)

 

JANE

Fantastic...no...really...

 

(Jane walks after them)

 

Scene VI (INT, Late Day, Raft Coffee House)

 

CHRISTIE

So then the campus police came in with representatives from WWF and tried to apprehend me for torturing animals...

 

DARIA

I was wondering why Harry was asking me all those questions about you...

 

CHRISTIE

Oh yeah, how does the hard-line journalism go?

 

DARIA

Do you consider doing the 'upcoming events' column hard news?

 

CHRISTIE

Could be...depends what's coming up...?

 

DARIA

What do you mean?

 

CHRISTIE

Now, if you were to report that nuclear winter was to come in the next few days, now that would be hard news...

 

(Preston comes in, a little worse for wear)

 

PRESTON

Hello fishies...

 

DARIA

Are you delusional?

 

PRESTON

Maybe, what's it to you magic carpet?

 

CHRISTIE

The boy needs coffee...stat!

 

(Daria looks at Christie)

 

CHRISTIE

What? All the med students get to say 'stat'...I want to say 'stat'

 

(Some time later)

 

DARIA

So, this job with Mr Hamilton not all it's cracked up to be?

 

PRESTON

It's pouring over tomes of unused texts in the library looking for references, I tell you, you're lucky you got out while you could...

 

CHRISTIE

Sucks to be you...

 

PRESTON

In between having to keep my grades up, doing this intern thing, working security at the Pimento, and now this radio job, I'm starting to wonder if God really does have it in for me...

 

DARIA

I'm sure it's not that bad...

 

PRESTON

Sure, to you, but you don't know where I'm coming from...

 

CHRISTIE

What?

 

PRESTON

Being treated like a demographic puller at RCR

 

DARIA

Drink more coffee, it will help you make sense...

 

PRESTON

You ever wonder why they're playing more R&B now that I'm there?

 

CHRISTIE

Not really...

 

PRESTON

The only reason I haven't been fired from that place is because I'm black. I mean, as much as Neill tries to cover up the fact, I know I have absolutely no charisma whatsoever...

 

DARIA

Ummm...I'm sure that's not true?

 

PRESTON

No. Whenever I take over the start of the show, I get half the student body calling up and saying "Where's Neill?". Do you know how frustrating that is?

 

DARIA

You are aware that I board with him right? Not only do I have to field phone calls, I have to placate angry women face to face...

 

CHRISTIE

You know Daria, if you follow this story up, it could get you out of the 'upcoming events' column....

 

DARIA

So you seriously think that the colour of your skin is giving you some sort of advantage?

 

PRESTON

I would have been fired ages ago if it weren't the case. Have you heard the promos? I'm referred to as Preston "Panther" O'Malley for crying out loud!

 

DARIA

Don't get me wrong, but it does sound a little far fetched...

 

PRESTON

I'll prove it...

 

CHRISTIE

How?

 

PRESTON

I'll do some stuff at the Radio Station that should get me fired. I already have, I mean, I've hung up on about 30 listeners. It's been 8 weeks since I started and people still don't know my name...

 

CHRISTIE

Okay, let's just say you are being discriminated against, or for...I don't know. You could see this as an opportunity to say the things that nobody else will say on air...

 

PRESTON

(Considers) You may just have a point...

 

Scene VII (EXT, Early Evening, McDonald Park)

 

CHARLIE

So, how did you get that injury?

 

NEILL

Trying to break the line against three defenders...

 

(Charlie is confused)

 

NEILL

Rugby

 

CHARLIE

Oh...League or Union?

 

NEILL

Wait? You know about Rugby?

 

CHARLIE

I grew up in England until I was three, but my parents are still staunchly British

 

NEILL

Jane. I'm sorry to say that you have to break up with Charlie right now...

 

JANE

Why? I'd only break up with him if someone else better came along, and nobody's going to take that chance...

 

NEILL

He's a Pom. And I can't have one of my good mates dating a Pom. I just won't stand for it!

 

CHARLIE

Of course you are aware that I'm standing right here right?

 

NEILL

Yeah mate

 

CHARLIE

And you are aware hat I'm your ride back to Raft?

 

NEILL

Damn. Jane, marry this man. I take back what I said about the whole Pom thing...

 

CHARLIE

Got to love blackmail

 

JANE

It's the cornerstone of our political system...

 

NEILL

So, Charlie, where we off to now mate?

 

CHARLIE

I was thinking that we could hit up the stalls, maybe I'll find something for my dark-haired temptress...

 

JANE

If you utter the word 'feisty', it's over

 

(They come to the stalls)

 

(They are looking at the various hand-crafted jewellery stalls)

 

NEILL

You reckon there's a pub around here?

 

JANE

What's wrong Neill? Don't you like shopping for jewellery?

 

CHARLIE

You've got to understand, men aren't programmed to shop according to aesthetic, we're programmed to shop according to practicality. For example, we are very good at shopping for things that are practical, like power tools and electronics. But, we are very bad at shopping for things like clothes and jewellery...it's just something that was wiped out with the introduction of the Y chromosome...

 

NEILL

The man has a point

 

JANE

Whatever, I'm going to go and powder my nose...

 

NEILL

You're going to go and buy more pizza aren't you?

 

JANE

You know me too well

 

(Jane walks off)

 

(Charlie sighs)

 

NEILL

What mate?

 

CHARLIE

I have no idea what to get her, what about this?

 

(Charlie picks up a pair of earrings)

 

NEILL

Nah mate, she already has enough stuff in her ears. Besides, they're not her favourite colour...

 

CHARLIE

And what is her favourite colour?

 

NEILL

Crimson. You see a lot of it in her painting and her dress sense. It evokes a sense of passion, I mean, it's her favourite lipstick colour, here, get her this.

 

(Neill picks up a faux-ruby bracelet)

 

CHARILE

You reckon?

 

NEILL

As I said, it's her favourite colour, you see, Jane's a very passionate person. She tries to hide it under a thin veil of apathetic comments, but she is...

 

CHARLIE

So you two have known each other for a while I guess...

 

NEILL

Nah, not really...

 

CHARLIE

Uh-huh...

 

(Jane comes back)

 

JANE

Yes

 

CHARLIE

What?

 

JANE

Yes, you may buy that for me...

 

CHARLIE

How very generous of you...

 

(Looks at Neill and Jane)

 

(Jane picks up bracelet)

 

JANE

This is really cool, I love the colour...

 

NEILL

A beer will do mate...

 

JANE

What?

 

NEILL

Nothing....

 

(Charlie looks at Jane and Neill)

 

Scene VIII (INT, Evening, McBride's Bar)

 

(Sandi is wiping glasses behind bar, when Brad walks in)

 

BRAD

Hey, what's up?

 

SANDI

You're Brad right?

 

BRAD

At least I think so, I heard you don't card people

 

SANDI

True...beer?

 

BRAD

Sure. Heard you broke up with Christie...

 

SANDI

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it...

 

BRAD

Might as well, I mean, it's either that or hearing me talk about the set I did last night...

 

SANDI

Or I could just completely ignore you...

 

BRAD

Ignoring huh?

 

SANDI

What's it to you?

 

BRAD

Is that why you broke up with her?

 

SANDI

I don't want to talk about it, I feel bad enough as it is already...

 

BRAD

And why is that?

 

SANDI

You're not going to shut up until I give you a play-by-play analysis are you?

 

BRAD

Nope

 

SANDI

Well, I feel bad because Christie's an amazing girl. In a perfect world, I'd be allowed to marry her, not that would make much of a difference anyhow...

 

BRAD

Go on...

 

SANDI

She raised the question of moving in together, and I really wanted her to...

 

BRAD

Then what happened?

 

SANDI

Because of a bad experience I had with an ex-boyfriend, I can't make that commitment...

 

BRAD

Have you talked to her about this?

 

SANDI

She wouldn't understand, she's young and idealistic. That's what I love about her...she wouldn't understand what can happen to a loving relationship when co-habitation becomes an issue. That's why I feel bad. I want to tell her all about it but I can't get past the hurt. I can't tell her what I'm feeling, and that is something that she doesn't deserve...

 

BRAD

I know what you mean

 

SANDI

You let somebody go too?

 

BRAD

Not really, but I can't tell them what I think of them

 

SANDI

So now we sit in a seedy bar, not good enough for anybody...

 

Scene IX (INT, Evening, Raft Coffee House)

 

(Daria and Christie are closing shop)

 

CHRISTIE

And what really gets me is that I can't talk to her about it

 

DARIA

But you're talking to me about it...

 

CHRISTIE

You think I am, but there are some issues I don't want to talk to anybody about...

 

DARIA

Everybody has their stuff they don't want to talk about...

 

CHRISTIE

Like sex

 

DARIA

That could be one...

 

CHRISTIE

Or the seeming crush you had on Brad

 

DARIA

Hey, we're talking about you here. I'm saying that everyone, I, Neill, Jane...everybody, they all have their stuff, and we get through. Me, I get through by watching bad TV, it cheers me up to see the world going to hell in a hand basket for some reason...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, how many of them are in a meaningful relationship?

 

DARIA

Well, I can't see Neill with any form of a meaningful relationship, Jane....she's still seeing that Charlie guy, and I....

 

CHRISTIE

You....

 

DARIA

I don't think it's meaningful yet, but it's getting there.  I'm sure in time I'll be able to open up to him...and hopefully him to me

 

CHRISTIE

Was there some sort of advice in there?

 

DARIA

I'm saying that it's not a case of not wanting to deal with your crap, I'm saying that eventually you have to

 

CHRISTIE

Hmm...good advice. You should have an advice column...

 

DARIA

Yes. I can see it now. My advice, get a good lawyer.

 

CHRISTIE

Your mother would be proud...

 

DARIA

Actually, she would...

 

CHRISTIE

Your mother as cynical as you?

 

DARIA

She's a lawyer...

 

CHRISTIE

I see....anyhow, thanks for the company today....

 

DARIA

We work here...

 

CHRISTIE

Don't spoil the moment...

 

DARIA

Sorry, I always spoil the moment.

 

CHRISTIE

That's okay; you wouldn't be Daria if you didn't shed some reality on the situation...

 

DARIA

Well, I hope you deal with your stuff. I can't believe I'm going to say this...

 

CHRISTIE

What?

 

DARIA

You two actually made a good couple...

 

CHRISTIE

Sometimes you just know when people are meant to be together

 

Scene X (INT, Evening, International Student Hall)

 

JANE

Thanks for helping out today

 

NEILL

No worries there spunky

 

JANE

Seriously, without your salesmanship, I doubt we would have sold anything

 

NEILL

I doubt that...

 

JANE

Huh?

 

NEILL

You got that check from Lars, and I don't think I was there to sell those paintings, but I have been known to sell things after a big night out...

 

JANE

You always know what to say, don't you?

 

NEILL

It's the honest to God truth. You have talent, bucket loads of the stuff, and more importantly, you have passion...

 

JANE

And you don't?

 

NEILL

I didn't say that, exactly...

 

JANE

The way I see it, you have a great passion for your game...and I can definitely identify with that...

 

NEILL

You like rugby?

 

JANE

It's not bad, but what I'm saying is that I can see where you desperately want to get back onto the field...

 

NEILL

Well, yeah...

 

JANE

I can see that your leg is healing remarkably fast...

 

NEILL

Well, a fit young buck like me heals quickly...

 

JANE

I think subconsciously that you have a passion to get back onto the field....

 

NEILL

Well, I suppose I do...its like, without Rugby or Cricket, I'm nothing...

 

JANE

That's how I feel about art...

 

NEILL

Hmm...never thought about it like that

 

JANE

And maybe sport is an art

 

NEILL

You just get me, don't you?

 

JANE

Yes, oddly enough...and I think you get me...

 

NEILL

I kinda do...and it scares me

 

JANE

Charlie came clean about the bracelet

 

NEILL

That tool! He was in! But at least he's an honest bastard...

 

JANE

Thank you...

 

NEILL

What for? He paid for it

 

JANE

I think we both know that's immaterial...

 

 NEILL

Still, the thought of buying a gift was his...

 

JANE

I suppose...

 

(They stop at the door)

 

NEILL

This is my stop

 

JANE

I guess this is goodbye

 

(Jane stares at Neill)

 

JANE

Thank you

 

NEILL

What for?

 

JANE

For getting me...

 

NEILL

Right back at you

 

(A pause)

 

NEILL

Charlie's waiting for you...

 

JANE

Charlie?....yes...I suppose he is....

 

NEILL

You should go...

 

JANE

Yes....

 

(Jane departs)

 

END

 

-Will Christie be able to deal with her problem? Will Sandi be able to deal with hers? What of the growing relationship of Neill and Jane? Does Patrick have any depth? Will you be there when the big door opens? All these questions and more, answered in coming episodes!-

 

 

(Authors Notes)

 

 

**I really struggled with this episode. Originally there was going to be a poetry contest at the fair, where Neill would have read out 'Up there Cazaly', and Jane would have been the only one to get the meaning behind his words. But that ended up being really stupid. This whole thing is pretty stupid actually...I should have included it. Watch out for fireworks in the next 3 episodes**

 

 

*Questions? Comments? Pop-Tarts? Ranting_Klown@hotmail.com *

 

Thanks to mjane79 for pouring through the un-sculptured mess that is my writing and agreeing to Beta-read