THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE (SERIES TWO): A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 22

CONFRONTING THE NEW

 (Daria becomes fascinated by Patrick while Jane goes to the next level with Charlie, and Christie and Sandi celebrate their 6 month anniversary)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Night, Christie's Dorm)

 

TV

Next, we review the new hit man / hit woman romance that is sure to break all the box office records...

 

SANDI

Because there's nothing I love more than a box of candy and flowers laced with chloroform

 

CHRISTIE

Could be romantic...

 

SANDI

How do you figure?

 

CHRISTIE

At least the partner has made an effort to get flowers instead of just candy

 

SANDI

But flowers and candy are just so passé

 

CHRISTIE

That's where the chloroform comes in...

 

SANDI

How is chloroform a romantic gift?

 

CHRISTIE

Damn...that's chloroform off the list...

 

SANDI

Huh?

 

CHRISTIE

Okay, you've been working, so I'll give you leniency...

 

SANDI

Jah?

 

CHRISTIE

Next Friday...

 

SANDI

Is.....Friday?

 

CHRISTIE

It's our 6 month anniversary...

 

(Sandi considers)

 

SANDI

Oh my lord! How did I forget that?

 

CHRISTIE

Don't worry about it, I'll cut you some slack...this time. Besides, you've had a lot on your plate. So, how does the hunt go?

 

 

SANDI

If by hunt you mean find apartments with only 3 walls, then badly.

 

CHRISTIE

Seriously? 3 walls? How does that work?

 

SANDI

Triangular design. Impractical, but within my price range...

 

CHRISTIE

At least it will be strong...besides, you know I'm here if you need somebody

 

SANDI

I thought we discussed this...

 

CHRISTIE

We did, but I'm a stubborn gal...

 

SANDI

Listen, I don't need anybody to help me, and I certainly don't want you to move in with me...

 

CHRISTIE

Wow, I don't know whether to punch you or to just merely whack you with a frying pan...

 

SANDI

Okay, so that came out wrong...

 

CHRISTIE

You mean antagonising me wasn't part of the plan there genius?

 

SANDI

No, I know you want to commit, but I just can't take that risk...

 

CHRISTIE

What risk? We're young and in love, what could possibly go wrong?

 

(Sandi stares at Christie)

 

CHRISTIE

Okay, so maybe that came out wrong...

 

SANDI

Listen, I'm just not ready okay? Can we drop this?

 

CHRISTIE

If you don't want to confront it, sure...

 

SANDI

Maybe there's something you have to confront, ever think of that? I mean, why the hell are you so damn eager to move in?

 

CHRISTIE

I just thought that...

 

SANDI

I'm sorry...let's just move on shall we?

 

CHRISTIE

(Under breath) Fat chance of that happening...

 

Scene II (INT, Day, Jane and Lucy's Dorm)

 

(Jane is cracking the books in her dorms)

 

JANE

Why did I think art school would involve more art?

 

(Phone rings)

 

(Jane picks up)

 

JANE

CIA, please hold the line while we trace this call...

 

CHARLIE

How's my budding Picasso?

 

JANE

Don't mention Picasso, I already know too much about him already...

 

CHARLIE

Let me guess, mid-semester exams?

 

JANE

Was it the weary tone of resignation that gave it away?

 

CHARLIE

And the fact that you haven't returned any of my calls in 1 week...

 

JANE

Oh crap...

 

CHARLIE

It's okay, you have exams to worry about....BFAC exams. I can understand how other areas of your life can fall apart temporarily....

 

JANE

I'm sorry I meant to, but...I've been so swamped the past week...

 

CHARLIE

Stop it, the Jane Lane I know doesn't apologise...

 

JANE

Well sleep deprivation is changing my character...

 

CHARLIE

Well it's okay, besides, we're still going out on Saturday right?

 

JANE

Now I have that scheduled, so definitely...

 

CHARLIE

Well good...I'll make a note of it in my schedule. Hey, I have a crazy idea...

 

JANE

Tar and feather the dean?

 

CHARLIE

Not quite, how about I whisk you away for an hour or so, get out of the study...

 

JANE

What were you thinking of doing in this hour?

 

CHARLIE

I can think of a few things...

 

JANE

I like the way you think, but I really have to study...

 

CHARLIE

Well, I'll be in my cell all day, so you can visit me there if you change your mind...

 

JANE

Okay, I'll see you around Charlie McCann...

 

CHARLIE

Likewise Jane Lane...

 

(Jane hangs up)

 

JANE

Back to the rack, hey, that rhymes....he he he. Jane...you're becoming delusional....

 

(Phone rings)

 

JANE

Hi, you've reached the insane asylum, two for one special today only!

 

NEILL

G'day Spunky

 

JANE

Hey Neil, what's up?

 

NEILL

Just studying and thought I'd give old Jane a buzz...

 

JANE

Well, I'm glad you did, I thought I was going to go insane...

 

NEILL

Seeing things?

 

JANE

Just the usual wormhole into another dimension...

 

NEILL

Why don't you come for a very tentative walk with me?

 

JANE

Walk?

 

NEILL

Yep, I can walk with crutches now...

 

JANE

Well at least I don't have to wheel your worthless ass around anymore...

 

NEILL

So, you want to go?

 

JANE

Can't. Have to study...

 

NEILL

It'll only take an hour or so...

 

JANE

What will I get from this walk?

 

NEILL

Apart from my company?

 

JANE

Obviously...

 

NEILL

Hmm...don't know. Maybe I can think of something on the way over...

 

JANE

Damn you Hayden! Tap into my curious nature why don't you? I'll meet you in McDonald Park....

 

NEILL

Okay Spunky, see you in 20.

 

Scene III (EXT, Day, Courtyard)

 

(Daria is sitting in courtyard, trying to study)

 

(Patrick approaches and sits next to her)

 

DARIA

(Looks up) Hi Patrick

 

PATRICK

How's my lovely lady?

 

DARIA

About to die...

 

PATRICK

We can't have that!

 

DARIA

You can just admire my corpse...

 

PATRICK

Yeah, but I can't do this to a corpse...

 

(Patrick tickles Daria)

 

(Daria breaks out in fits of laughter)

 

DARIA

Stop it!

 

PATRICK

Well, it's either this or entertaining myself by kissing you all over...

 

DARIA

That I can oblige...

 

(Daria kisses Patrick)

 

DARIA

Hey, what's with the shorts and shirt?

 

PATRICK

You complaining?

 

DARIA

No, it's just that I've never seen you like that before...

 

PATRICK

You like what you see?

 

DARIA

When did you get so.....

 

PATRICK

Muscular?

 

DARIA

Yeah...

 

PATRICK

Maybe I should wear my uniform more often.

 

DARIA

If you are part of a sport, then I'm afraid this relation-date-ship has no legs...

 

PATRICK

Well, do you consider rowing a sport? Relation-date-ship?

 

DARIA

Oh, I freak you out by not committing or something?

 

PATRICK

No...I do love where we are at the moment. I'm just tickled by the fact that you, Daria Morgandorffer, writer extraordinaire, is OK with making up random words. Can I make one up?

 

DARIA

Can't hurt...

 

PATRICK

Shmool...I think that's a pretty good made-up word

 

Scene IV (EXT, Dusk, McDonald Park)

 

(Jane walks next to a slow moving Neill)

 

JANE

You weren't kidding when you said a tentative walk...

 

NEILL

Yeah, but I'd rather move like a turtle than not move at all...

 

JANE

Missing the ability to express yourself?

 

 NEILL

Yeah. Without sport, I can't really make my statement. You know?

 

JANE

Yeah, I know what you mean...

 

NEILL

What's got you blue spunky?

 

JANE

All this study and no creation...

 

NEILL

Well, do you know about cricket?

 

JANE

Nothing...

 

NEILL

Well, right now you're facing Courtney Walsh in his prime, he's mean, and he wants your head spilling blood. When he hits you, you've just to smile at him and say 'is that all you got?'

 

JANE

Wouldn't that just lead to more pain?

 

NEILL

Probably, but you'll be winning the battle, and that's all that counts...

 

JANE

Well, I'm no Sun-Tzu...

 

NEILL

You can beat this Jane. I know you can...

 

JANE

How do you know?

 

NEILL

I see it in your painting...

 

JANE

Huh?

 

NEILL

I look at your paintings, and I see a determination, to get better as an artist...hell...to get better as a person. I just reckon you can see all the love that has gone in, and you can tell you're going for broke each time. There's no 90% with you, but there's Jane Lane, 100% each time. When that's not enough, you go 110%

 

JANE

Well, I do throw myself onto the canvas...

 

NEILL

I'm surprised that you don't have a limb broken too...I'm saying don't just hang in there and get by, go for the win...

 

JANE

Break the line?

 

NEILL

 Always...

 

JANE

You know, as I learn more about you, you're ridiculous philosophies don't sound that bad...

 

NEILL

Did they ever?

 

JANE

Well, you're a sports...guy

 

NEILL

You're point being?

 

JANE

People who play sport don't express themselves and their philosophies....

 

NEILL

Each time you step onto a field, your conduct defines you. You may not realise it, but it does...

 

JANE

But that would mean a QB could be an artist, and that couldn't be...

 

NEILL

Well, some are doing finger painting, while others create masterpieces on the canvas of grass and white lines....

 

JANE

Makes sense...

 

NEILL

You know it does spunky, and that's why I'm drawn to you...that's why I agreed to be your first root...

 

JANE

You mean all this wasn't enough?

 

NEILL

Don't get me wrong! I would have anyhow, but I wouldn't have tried to create art while doing so....

 

JANE

Oh...well, it felt like that for me too....

 

(Stares at Neill)

 

NEILL

Yep, that Charlie's a lucky bloke

 

JANE

Charlie?

 

NEILL

Did I get his name wrong?

 

JANE

What?.... (Eyes open in horror) I have to go...

 

(Jane runs off)

 

Scene V (INT, Night, Radio Booth)

 

PRESTON

Neill, I know you don't want to be in the wheelchair, but I've already started the show....

 

NEILL

Well, you had to some time. So, how did it go?

 

PRESTON

Good! So good in fact that our producer is fielding 10 calls, all saying the same thing.... 'Where's Neill'?

 

NEILL

Oh...sorry mate....

 

PRESTON

We're on in 10 seconds...

 

(Neill hobbles into studio)

 

(Neill hits console)

 

NEILL

And were back. Neill Hayden here, hobbling into the studio. That's right, I'm walking now, and the leg feels good, well, as good as a fractured leg can feel. So, Preston, what are we talking about today?

 

PRESTON

Spring time romance

 

NEILL

Ahh, yes, that wonderful time of year where the ladies take the twins out for a walk...

 

PRESTON

What is it about the approaching spring that makes us want to find somebody?

 

NEILL

It's gotta be the sun, I mean, we're coming out of some damn miserable weather...and now the sun is peeking out, it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

 

PRESTON

Interesting hypothesis, care to elaborate?

 

NEILL

I know I've been thinking about the ladies...

 

PRESTON

You always think about the ladies...

 

NEILL

True. But I have been even more so lately...must be the weather. I think we can take some callers now...This is the Alfie Langer Hour, you're on the air!

 

CALLER

Hey Neill...

 

NEILL

G'Day. Have a question or comment?

 

CALLER

Just to say that I've been thinking about the ladies as well...

 

NEILL

And yet more weight to my claim...thanks for your call

 

PRESTON

We'll take another call now...

 

CALLER

Hey, this isn't about the spring debate or whatever...I had a question for Preston...

 

PRESTON

For me? (Preston sits upright)  Go ahead...

 

CALLER

Well, I have this fine honey coming over tonight....

 

(Preston hits forehead)

 

CALLER

And I was wondering what sort of music I should play to get her, you know,  in the mood...

 

PRESTON

And is this honey an ebony goddess?

 

CALLER

Oh yeah...

 

(Preston hits console)

 

PRESTON

Ok...we've seemed to have lost our connection...we'll take another caller now...

 

Scene VI (INT, Night, Charlie's Dorm)

 

(Charlie is on the phone, talking)

 

CHARLIE

Yeah, well I've just been really busy lately...but I think I can clear up some room in my schedule

 

(A knock at the door)

 

(Charlie answers)

 

CHARLIE

Jane! How nice to see you! Decide to take me up on my offer? Not that I appreciate it, but you should call first...I'm a really busy guy with all my study and

 

JANE

Lights off, no talking

 

(Jane turns off the lights, and then jumps Charlie)

 

ONE HOUR LATER

 

(Charlie and Jane are lying in bunk)

 

CHARLIE

Do you mind if I light up?

 

JANE

What? Uh....go ahead...

 

CHARLIE

Can I ask you something?

 

JANE

Sure

 

CHARLIE

Have you ever seen Annie Hall?

 

JANE

No...

 

CHARLIE

And are you on pot right now?

 

JANE

Not that I know of...

 

CHARLIE

Well how do you explain that?

 

JANE

Explain what?

 

CHARLIE

You were, kind of distant...

 

JANE

Oh...well....

 

CHARLIE

The closest thing to angry sex I've ever had...

 

JANE

I'm sorry...it's just that...

 

CHARLIE

You were just looking for a warm body to take away the pressures of studying. I understand...I really do.

 

JANE

Good...

 

CHARLIE

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining...

 

JANE

Who would?

 

CHARLIE

Why aren't we confident in ourselves?

 

JANE

Hey, I'm Jane Lane, I...have no doubts...

 

CHARLIE

And that's what I like about you Jane Lane...

 

JANE

I want to take our relationship to the next level...

 

CHARLIE

What?

 

JANE

I want you to be my boyfriend....you in?

 

CHARLIE

Shouldn't we think more about this, you know, away from the after-glow of mind blowing sex?

 

JANE

Now who's the one who's confident in themselves?

 

CHARLIE

Well, as long as you don't cut in on my film watching time, I can't see any reason why I can't agree to that.

 

JANE

Good...

 

CHARLIE

Good...

 

JANE

So....how's studying going?

 

CHARLIE

Studying in Film school means watching films and getting technical down, so, pretty enjoyable...It's not like that for you?

 

JANE

No, I do enjoy it. Deep down, deep...deep down. It's just a lot of work...

 

CHARLIE

That's what you get when you enrol in BFAC

 

JANE

Yeah, but I'm not only going to survive, I'm going to thrive...

 

CHARLIE

That's the Jane Lane I like!

 

Scene VII (INT, Day, Neill and Daria's Dorm)

 

(Daria is typing on computer, when there is a knock at the door)

 

(Daria answers)

 

PATRICK

Buongiorno Principessa!

 

DARIA

I hated that movie

 

PATRICK

Come on! How could you not love the reunion scene? Anyhow, I didn't come here for a debate, if I did, I'd be a masochist, because I would invariably lose...

 

DARIA

How do you figure that?

 

PATRICK

Well, two things. Number one, you're smart, freaky smart. Number two, all you'd have to do to win is batter your eyelids at me...

 

DARIA

You're really good at this romantic crap aren't you?

 

PATRICK

It's hard not to be when I have a vision of perfection standing in front of me like Aphrodite herself

 

DARIA

Oh, that old line...I bet you say that to all your girls...

 

PATRICK

Just you, Bubbles and Candy. Can I come in?

 

DARIA

Sure

 

(Patrick enters)

 

PATRICK

I'll say it again...this is the best damn dorm I've ever seen...

 

DARIA

They charge us rent, dumb down the curriculum and generally gouge us at every opportunity. We might as well get our money's worth...

 

PATRICK

They charge you rent?

 

DARIA

Yes, the international students anyhow, they do it for the tax break...

 

PATRICK

Anyhow, just wanted to see how you did on your exam...

 

DARIA

Okay

 

PATRICK

Okay for you is 105%

 

DARIA

How do you get 105%?

 

PATRICK

Extra credit questions...

 

DARIA

So, how did you do?

 

PATRICK

Pretty good. Although it was hard to keep my mind on the subject at hand, when you were on the other side of the room...

 

DARIA

Are you a robot?

 

PATRICK

Hmm...let me think about that for a moment. I can either say that I'm a sophisticated love robot sent back in time to change your future, or I could say that I'm all man....

 

DARIA

I'd go for the second one...

 

PATRICK

As would I

 

(Daria chuckles)

 

PATRICK

Did I say something funny?

 

DARIA

No, I can't believe I'm about to say this, you make me feel.....you make me feel

 

PATRICK

At a loss for words? Like a natural woman?

 

DARIA

No...like I haven't felt in a long time. I think I am changing....

 

PATRICK

You mean you weren't the sun and the moon before?

 

(Daria blushes)

 

PATRICK

Thank you, my day is now complete. You're blushes sustain me...they're addictive.

 

Scene VIII (INT, Night, Raft Coffee House)

 

(Christie is working behind counter)

 

(Daria walks in wearing uniform)

 

(Daria looks around)

 

DARIA

Wow, quiet today, wait, we're not becoming a nuclear test site are we?

 

CHRISTIE

Not that I know of...

 

DARIA

So, what's up?

 

CHRISTIE

Trying to think of a good anniversary present by tomorrow...

 

DARIA

How about brains? The roses of the undead...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I would, but you can't find any of those good old fashioned brains anymore. It's all processed, nothing's natural anymore. Speaking of romantic attachments, how's that Patrick guy?

 

DARIA

Since when did you become a gossip queen?

 

CHRISTIE

Always have been. Just didn't give a crap about anybody else until you guys came along.

 

DARIA

Well, he's really sweet. Not phoney sweet, I don't think anybody can keep that up for as long as he has...

 

CHRISTIE

Ahh...cherish this time Daria....cherish this time....

 

DARIA

What time?

 

CHRISTIE

You're in a new relationship, everything seems just peachy. Then you grow and you end up in a bar in Paris singing 'Je ne regrette rein', jaded by everything and everyone who dares try to get close to you...

 

DARIA

You're attitude is so fantastic...

 

CHRISTIE

You are berating me about attitude? Wow, you have changed...

 

DARIA

No, it's not true. I still kill puppies...without remorse...

 

CHRISTIE

It's okay to be optimistic when starting a new relationship. Show's people that you're human...

 

DARIA

I'd rather be an android...

 

(Neill enters)

 

NEILL

G'Day girls, don't suppose any of you have seen Jane?

 

CHRISTIE

Nope

 

DARIA

No...why do you ask...

 

NEILL

I was going for a walk about a couple of days ago, we started talking about creative expression, then I mention this Charlie bloke, and then she runs off....

 

DARIA

Well, that is odd, even for Jane. I've never seen her run away, although maybe once....

 

(Christie starts to sing je ne regrette rien)

 

CHRISTIE

What? Seemed apt...

 

NEILL

Anyhow, don't suppose you could have a word to her could you? I'm afraid there may be some stuff going down between Charlie and Jane...

 

DARIA

What kind of...stuff?

 

NEILL

Dunno. All I know is that I mentioned his name and she ran off, and she hasn't returned any of my calls. I think she avoiding me for some reason, and it's got to do with this Charlie bloke...

 

CHRISTIE

Curiouser and Curiouser

 

DARIA

I suppose I could talk to her, she should be done with her exams...

 

NEILL

That would be grouse

 

(Neill leaves)

 

Scene IX (INT, Day, Jane and Lucy's dorm)

 

(Jane is painting while Lucy is playing)

 

(A knock at the door)

 

JANE

Come in!

 

(Daria enters)

 

JANE

Hey

 

DARIA

Hey. So...what's up?

 

JANE

I've finished my exams, and I may not have failed...

 

DARIA

Your confidence is inspiring...

 

JANE

Confidence....

 

DARIA

Can I talk to you about something?

 

JANE

You and Charlie aren't making out are you?

 

DARIA

No, not lately, it's about Neill...

 

JANE

Neill?

 

DARIA

He says you two were talking about something in the park, and then he mentions Charlie, and then you run off...

 

JANE

And?

 

DARIA

He's concerned, and so am I. So, is there anything going on between you and Charlie...

 

JANE

Me and my boy? No...

 

DARIA

Then why did you run off?

 

JANE

I...forgot about a previous engagement I had with Charlie. So I ran off to make sure I wasn't late, that's all...

 

DARIA

And have you been avoiding Neill?

 

JANE

No...why would I avoid Neill?

 

DARIA

No reason. He says that you haven't answered calls all week...

 

JANE

I've been out all week, you know...exams...

 

DARIA

Oh....

 

JANE

Yeah...so how is the robot?

 

DARIA

I'm starting to think that he's a figment of my imagination...

 

JANE

How do you figure?

 

DARIA

I keep on thinking that he can't be real....but then he says something...and all those questions melt away...

 

JANE

I think our little girl is love struck...

 

DARIA

No, it's not true...

 

JANE

It's okay to admit it Daria...

 

DARIA

He's a sweet guy I'm seeing at the moment, that's it...

 

JANE

Now who's running?

 

DARIA

Screw you Lane...

 

JANE

Oh yeah....Go Lane it's your birthday! Party like it's your birthday!

 

DARIA

But you don't even believe in birthdays

 

JANE

Don't spoil the moment...

 

Scene X (INT, Night, Christie's dorm)

 

SANDI

Happy Anniversary

 

(Sandi hand Christie a package)

 

CHRISTIE

Please let it be a baby seal...

 

(Christie opens package)

 

(A necklace is revealed)

 

CHRISTIE

Wow! This looks really...expensive....

 

SANDI

Nothing's too good for my girl

 

CHRISTIE

This puts my gift to shame...

 

(Hands Sandi package)

 

(Sandi opens the package to reveal a plate)

 

SANDI

Wow, it's a plate. There's something I'm missing here isn't there?

 

CHRISTIE

That's a plate from Chez Paris...

 

SANDI

Wow...this puts my gift to shame...

 

CHRISTIE

Listen, the fact that you pulled extra shifts to buy me this speaks volumes

 

SANDI

Yeah, but your gift is actually thoughtful

 

CHRISTIE

And this isn't?

 

SANDI

I don't know...

 

CHRISTIE

Maybe they're both thoughtful gifts in their own way...

 

SANDI

I think I can accept that compromise...

 

(Sandi starts to tear up)

 

CHRISTIE

What is it?

 

SANDI

I'm sorry my gift isn't what you wanted...

 

CHRISTIE

What do you mean?

 

SANDI

I'm sorry it's not a key to an apartment

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...

 

SANDI

All the signs suggest that I should commit to you....but I can't...

 

CHRISTIE

It's okay...

 

SANDI

No, it's not okay. My crap is holding us back...

 

CHRISTIE

Maybe it was irrational of me to expect you to offer me a spot in your new place...

 

SANDI

 No, it wasn't. It was a desire to move forward with the relationship and because of my crap, we can't do that...

 

CHRISTIE

Sandi?

 

SANDI

I think we should take a break

 

CHRISTIE

What!?

 

SANDI

You need somebody that you can rely on, and right now,  I can't be that person...

 

CHRISTIE

We can talk about this!

 

SANDI

No, I can't....that's why I have to leave....

 

(Sandi starts to depart)

 

CHRISTIE

Wait!

 

(Sandi leaves)

 

CHRISTIE

This is my fault...

 

END

 

-Is this the end for Sandi and Christie? What of the troubles in Jane and Charlie's relationship? Is Patrick too good to be true? Will Daria come to terms with her feelings? Are we alone in the universe? All these questions and more, answered in coming episodes!-

 

 

(Authors notes)

 

 

**Wow! Who saw that coming?! Well, lots of people probably, but that's not the point! The mysterious man will now play a huge role in Christie's development...and here's an inside scoop, Neill will face deportation in a few episodes**

 

 

*Questions? Comments? Found the Fish? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *

 

 

Thanks to mjane79 for pouring through the un-sculptured mess that is my writing and agreeing to Beta-read