THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 14
I'VE
GOT TWO TICKETS TO
(Neill's surprise is finally
revealed, while Jane solves her college tuition problem)
Scene I (INT, Morning,
Christie's dorm)
(Daria and Christie are
sitting on couch, watching TV)
CHRISTIE
You see, that's who would I
vote off fist...I mean, after he's built me a coconut radio, why would I need
him?
DARIA
He could have other uses...
CHRISTIE
Like what?
DARIA
Well, he could build you a
coconut TV
CHRISTIE
Daria...you and your
preposterous ideas...a coconut TV...what an utterly insane idea
DARIA
I'd vote off Mary Ann...
CHRISTIE
Ginger fan?
DARIA
No...she just annoys the hell
out of me
CHRISTIE
Well, if you ask me...I'd keep
them both on the island
DARIA
What possible use would both
Ginger and Mary Anne have?
CHRISTIE
You know I like women right?
DARIA
Sorry...forgot...
(The phone rings)
CHRISTIE
I got it....
(Christie picks up phone)
CHRISTIE
Hi, you've reached the offices
of Dick Cheney...lesbians are OK by us!....and their precious, precious
organs....the time of the harvest is near.....oh....forget that last part
SANDI
And I thought my heart would
be in my body for at least another 10 years
CHRISTIE
Yeah...well, them's
the breaks darling...so what's up?
SANDI
Did you get this weird
invitation?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...now that you mention it
SANDI
Know who it's from?
CHRISTIE
Beats me...Daria, Brad and
SANDI
He didn't think this through
very much did he?
CHRISTIE
Give the guy a break...he's just
trying to be mysterious....I'm sure there's some surprise he's got for us...
SANDI
My money's on him being a
woman
CHRISTIE
Curious estimation...explain.
SANDI
Well that façade he puts on
must be a front for something...I mean...who gets that many women?
CHRISTIE
Actually...I think he does...I
keep getting people asking If I've seen him...they think that they're being
dumped
SANDI
Wow...I don't know how he does
it...
CHRISTIE
It's the accent....by the way...I've
asked around campus...there's nobody willing to go for a threesome...
SANDI
Damn
CHRISTIE
Tell me about it....anyhow...I got
to go...the great debate
SANDI
Ginger vs. Mary
Anne....classic....guess I'll see you around
CHRISTIE
See ya!
(Hangs up phone)
CHRISTIE
Hey, you're Neill's
roommate...got any idea what he's planning?
DARIA
When it comes to Neill
planning things, I like to stay out of it...because it usually involves the
Swedish Gymnastics team
CHRISTIE
Does make one curious though....
DARIA
Curiosity killed the cat you
know....
CHRISTIE
The cat had it coming...I hate
cats
Scene II (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Neill and Brad are sitting on
the couch, drinking beer)
NEILL
So, Bazza...got
any plans for the holidays?
BRAD
I figure I go back and see my
kid sister...get a couple of TV dinners....
NEILL
By the way...congrats on the 80
mate...
BRAD
Thanks man...I found that
writing essays is like writing songs...except stuff doesn't have to
rhyme....congrats on your perfect score...
NEILL
Well...it was multiple choice...
BRAD
I miss multiple choice...all c's...yeah...that's the way for me...
NEILL
Excuse me mate, I got to make
a phone call...
BRAD
Cool....
(Neill walks to kitchen and
makes phone call)
Yo...
NEILL
Is Jane there?
She was a couple of days
ago....man...that was some strong stuff....I'll get her...
JANE
Yo...
NEILL
G'Day!
JANE
If it isn't the Casanova from
Down Under...
NEILL
It sure is luv, so, I just
wanted to thank you for sending that stuff...
JANE
It's cool...what do you have
planned Mr Hayden?
NEILL
Please...don't call me
that...makes me feel like an adult...and never you mind missy...
JANE
I love my men mysterious...
NEILL
Well, let's just say I have a
surprise in store at my farewell party...
JANE
You aren't going to recite the
NEILL
If time permits...but I have
something cooking that'll knock everyone's socks off...
JANE
Socks are overrated...I like to
get them off as soon as I can
NEILL
Patience luv, patience...you'll
be moving to BFAC soon enough...and I'll be helping you move...
JANE
I don't know if I can wait
that long...I may have to come up to
NEILL
Well, if you can make it
within 10 hours, kudos to you...I leave the country then
JANE
I can make it in 7...
NEILL
I'll need more than 3 hours...I
mean...there's a show and everything...
JANE
A show you say? OK, I'll
wait...but not too long...
NEILL
OK spunky...just wanted to thank
you again....
JANE
No problems...
NEILL
Well, it warms the cockles to
hear the Australian language again...thank you...
Scene III (INT/EXT,
Night, Dorm/Courtyard/Car)
(Daria getting ready, in her
sexy outfit)
(A knock at the door)
(Daria opens the door, to
reveal Sandi and Christie in outfits)
CHRISTIE
Ready to go?
DARIA
Like a blonde haired kid in
the trenches...
SANDI
Damn....did you ask Daria?
CHRISTIE
Yes...I asked her
DARIA
Asked me what?
CHRISTIE
Nothing...let's go....
(Cut to Sandi, Christie and
Daria walking in courtyard, a layer of snow covers everything...but there is no
snow in the air)
SANDI
We'll take my car
DARIA
If I remember, you car is a
two seater...
SANDI
Christie can sit on your lap...
DARIA
Goody...
CHRISTIE
It ain't happening Sandi...
SANDI
Damn...
CHRISTIE
I'll sit on Sandi's lap...you'll
drive Daria...
(Man in a suit runs up to the
trio)
MAN
Are you Daria, Christie and
Sandi?
DARIA
Are you with the government...if
so...you have me confused with my sister. She's the one you want for your
laboratory...
MAN
Hey, I just go where I'm
told...so you're them?
CHRISTIE
I guess so chump
MAN
I'll be your driver for the
evening...
SANDI
Driver?
MAN
Yes...I've been instructed to
take you to a secret location...
DARIA
This can only be bad....or
stupid...
CHRISTIE
Sounds cool...let's go...
(They walk with the man to the
parking lot, where a limousine is parked)
SANDI
Whoa...
CHRISTIE
Damn that Neill is clichéd....a
hot air balloon would have been much more mysterious....
DARIA
I want to update my
statement...this could only be stupid...
CHRISTIE
Look on the bright side
Daria...I bet this is more than a two seater....
SANDI
Can I still sit in your lap
though?
DARIA
Yarn.
(The driver opens the door,
and they get in)
(They look at their
surrounds...which includes a Television set, a mini-bar and a bottle of
(Christie whistles, impressed)
CHRISTIE
Damn...this must have set him
back some scratch...
DARIA
Scratch?
CHRISTIE
Gumba, mulah, clams.
SANDI
This feels like my prom
again...except this time my date isn't getting all grabby
(Car starts up, and they
depart)
CHRISTIE
There's still time of course....
DARIA
Wow...you came out in High
School...gutsy...
SANDI
Kind of...
CHRISTIE
Sandi's bi...
DARIA
Oh...
(Skip time!)
DARIA
Damn...it's been three hours...and
we left the town about 1 hour ago...
CHRISTIE
Yeah...this is getting kind of
scary...
SANDI
You can always grab onto me
baby...
CHRISTIE
I mean it...
SANDI
Oh...I'm sure getting in a limo
to the middle of nowhere isn't dangerous.... (Quietens)
DARIA
No...no at all.....
(The car stops in the middle
of nowhere, and they see Brad and
(Daria, Christie and
BRAD
So, if you see the guy on
Alexander and 3rd...he's got some pretty good stuff....
Sup? I was beginning to wonder
if anybody was going to show up...
DARIA
How long have you been
waiting?
About 30 minutes...
BRAD
Yeah...
CHRISTIE
Does anybody know why were
here?
(Neill steps out from behind
the trees)
NEILL
I believe I can answer that
one luv
SANDI
Neill? What the hell are we
doing here?
NEILL
All will be revealed mate,
follow me...
(The group follow him through
the woods)
Scene IV (EXT, Night,
Woods)
BRAD
Dude, we've been walking for
20 minutes...
DARIA
I always knew I'd die in the
middle of the woods, hacked to death my a serial killer
NEILL
Relax...you can see the lights
now...
(The approach a clearing, with
a bright light emitting from it)
(They step out the woods into
a clearing, a layer of snow covers the grass, where a table is set, and candles
light the area)
CHRISTIE
Wow...
BRAD
Cool...
DARIA
It's...beautiful...
(
This is some crazy shit right
here (monotone)
(All look at
Hey, I had to do it...
NEILL
Everybody sit down, and
champagne I believe will be served soon
(They all sit down, still
confused)
CHRISTIE
Are you secretly a Millionaire?...It would explain a lot...
NEILL
No, I saved for all this...plus
a couple of other things that will make your day...
DARIA
So...this is your going away
party or something?...
NEILL
I'm coming back...so no...and
besides...my party was on Wednesday...remember when I came back belting out Wonderwall at 3 in the morning?
DARIA
How could I forget...?
NEILL
Good Times. This little thing
I've thrown together today is primarily to say thanks...
SANDI
What for?
NEILL
For taking a chance on me...
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
NEILL
Do you have any idea what it's
like to long for your homeland each night? To yearn to smell eucalyptus or have
a slice of Vegemite toast? When I got here, I never told you this...I was very
close to going home...but when I met you people, I wanted to stick around...so for
making me want to stay in the country...I wanted to thank you all...and this is
just a small token of my appreciation...ahh, there's
the champagne...
(Guy in monkey suit pours
champagne)
NEILL
Cheers everybody...
(Skip time!)
(The gang are finishing their
meals)
Damn...this has got to be the finest
meal I've had in years...
NEILL
Well it should be mate, I oversaw the cooking myself...
(Guy in monkey suit clears
plates)
CHRISTIE
Where are all those people
coming from anyway?
DARIA
NEILL
There's a tent about 500
meters from here, you can't see it because of the light...I believe that dessert
shall be served soon, and then I have one final surprise to impart to you all...
BRAD
Impart? Dude, you've been
reading too many dictionaries...
DARIA
Let me guess....you're the King
of Australia?
NEILL
Yes Daria...I'm the king of
(Daria raises an eyebrow at
him)
NEILL
Dammit Daria! You see
what you've done to me!?
DARIA
Changing the world one sunny
person at a time....
CHRISTIE
So...what's the surprise?
NEILL
If I told you...it wouldn't be a
surprise now would it luv?
CHRISTIE
I'll show you my boobs...
NEILL
That didn't work last time
SANDI
They are nice...
I think you should reveal the
secret...
BRAD
Dude...reveal the secret...
NEILL
No...not yet...for now, let us
just enjoy each other's company and fine food
BRAD
Dude...reveal the secret...
NEILL
Have some self control man!
DARIA
(Looking at
(
DARIA
They do feel nice though....
(
CHRISTIE
Damn
DARIA
That's 20 clams
BRAD
Damn...he's out cold...
SANDI
Pay the woman
(Christie begrudgingly hand
over $20)
(
Did I faint again?
NEILL
You know, you and Daria would
make a good couple...you faint and she blushes...
(Daria blushes)
NEILL
Told you
(Skip time!)
(The gang are eating crème
caramel)
SANDI
Damn Neill, I had no idea that
you were such a good cook
NEILL
Well, you look after a family
for about 15 years and you pick up a thing or two...
SANDI
I mean...I knew you were
good...but damn!
NEILL
Ok mate...that's enough now...
SANDI
I'm serious...you should become
a chef...what are you doing in college?
NEILL
Let's just say that this is
therapy....
BRAD
What for dude?
NEILL
It's not important...what is
important is the surprise I've been hinting at all night
CHRISTIE
My money's on you being Rupert
Murdoch's son
SANDI
I still think he's a woman
He's Michael Jackson
(All look at
What? Nobody actually knows
what he looks like right? I'm just saying....
BRAD
He's the Prime Minister of
Australia or something
DARIA
No, he's busy not signing the
NEILL
Low Blow Daria...
DARIA
That's the only way I know...
NEILL
I'm afraid you're all
wrong...I'll be back in 10 minutes...
(Neill disappears into the
woods)
DARIA
I'm worried...
CHRISTIE
About what?
DARIA
He can't possibly afford this...
He does get a lot of
sponsorship from local business though...
BRAD
And I heard that that thing
about him being bribed not to hit on guy's girlfriends is true...
DARIA
I still think he's getting
extra money from somewhere....
SANDI
Christie could be right...maybe
he's a media mogul's son and he hasn't told us yet...
DARIA
If he was...he'd be
doing....wait...he is doing Economics....
Please...this whole thing is
preposterous.....if he was a media mogul's son...he wouldn't go to Raft...he'd go to
Harvard or something...
BRAD
Maybe he's going to Raft to
keep a low profile
CHRISTIE
If he wanted to keep a low
profile, he wouldn't have become a DJ
BRAD
Good point...
DARIA
Maybe that's what the surprise
is about...
You mean the guy's been
swimming in dough al this time and he didn't tell us?
SANDI
It's possible...
DARIA
Would explain why he was able
to keep up the rent of the room for those 3 or 4 weeks when I wasn't working...
CHRISTIE
Come on people! If he was a
media mogul, he would have told us...have you ever known him to be not entirely
honest with us?
BRAD
He lied to us about tonight...
CHRISTIE
Good point....
DARIA
But that was different...he
wanted this to be a surprise...
SANDI
Also a good point...
(Neill comes back holding a
large box, with various packages inside them)
NEILL
Ok, here's the surprise...
DARIA
It's a box...that is
surprising....
You're not Rupert Murdoch's
son are you?
NEILL
What? No...my last name would be
Murdoch wouldn't it?
BRAD
Maybe Hayden's just a cover...
NEILL
I'm not Rupert Murdoch's son!
Or Kerry Packer's for that matter either! Now can I just give everybody their
surprise, or do I have to put up with people accusing me of being rich?
CHRISTIE
Somebody get the doctor, I
think we just hit a nerve...
NEILL
Sorry...let's just make tonight
really good.....
(Neill takes a package out of
the box)
NEILL
Here
(Thows
package to
NEILL
I figure I won't be here for
Christmas...so I better give everybody their present now...
(
Dude...it's a microphone....thank
you?
NEILL
I'll admit,
some of these presents are symbolic in nature...
I'll say...what is it?
NEILL
Well, you said you wanted to
put some R&B on the airwaves....now you have the chance to do so...
Say what?
NEILL
I got you a job at the Radio
station...
Dude, we're freshmen....how do
we have that sort of pull?
NEILL
Next year the Radio station is
going 24 hours a day, so there are a couple of slots open and I managed to open
another one for Freshman...and naturally I thought of you...one thing I should tell
you though, you have to get your own sponsorship....the Radio Station doesn't pay
wages as such...
Well....cool....wow....I don't know
what to say...
NEILL
You don't have to say
anything...I'll say something though. It's been cool knowing you these past few
months.
(Neill looks through box)
NEILL
Sandi, your turn... (Throws
package to Sandi)
SANDI
You got me something?
NEILL
Looks like it...
(Sandi opens her package)
NEILL
It's and Australian to
American phrasebook...I figure it'll come in handy
SANDI
Thanks...very tongue in check....
(Opens book)...well I'll be....'love' is in here...you could have also called me
'Sheila'
NEILL
Nobody says Sheila anymore...I
got this to say, no hard feelings. I know you don't agree with my lifestyle and
all, but I hope we can be mates
SANDI
I hope so too...
(Neill pokes head into box,
and takes out yet another package)
NEILL
Bazza...mate...your turn...
BRAD
Is it a guitar pick?
NEILL
Nah, something more precious
than that....
BRAD
(Opens Package) It's a six
pack...
NEILL
Not just any six-pack...that's
XXXX Gold son. That's the beer that we don't export...so we keep all the good
stuff in
(Brad opens can, and takes a
swig)
BRAD
Holy Nectar of the Gods!
NEILL
Told you...Just got you that to
say that you've been a good mate, and even though I don't want to sound too
much like a girl...having you there to drink beer with...well, it brought a little
of home to me...and I greatly appreciate it....
BRAD
Don't mention it...
(Neill sticks head in box, and
takes out another package)
NEILL
What do I get the girl of my
dreams?
CHRISTIE
An Icepick?
NEILL
Damn...should've thought of
that...anyhow...open it
CHRISTIE
Damn...it's a collage of all the
girls you've photographed....
NEILL
I thought you'd appreciate it
CHRISTIE
Damn...you do like blondes don't
you?
(Sandi looks at collage)
SANDI
Damn Neill, you do some damn
fine work...
NEILL
It's a gift...anyhow...I just
wanted to say that having you around is like having a good mate around. When I
first met you, I'll be the first to admit, that I wouldn't have minded getting
to know you a little bit more intimately...but then I got to know you...and
Christie...you're a champ...just a champ...
(Sandi looks in phrase book)
SANDI
You're a person whose champion
qualities are unsurpassed...
CHRISTIE
Thanks Neill. I just want to
say that having a person like you, accept who I was (looks in phrase book)
straight off the bat, well, it got me through a tough
time in my life...and gave me the inspiration to confront my demons...
DARIA
If anybody cries, I'm leaving
NEILL
That only leaves Daria
DARIA
Oh joy of joys...
(Neill takes out an envelope)
DARIA
A blank check...how did you
know?
NEILL
Open it...
(Daria opens envelope...and
looks at the contents with surprise)
DARIA
Neill, I can't accept this...
NEILL
Sure you can...after all...half of
that was paid for by your strength...
DARIA
What?
NEILL
You remember when you had that
makeover?
DARIA
Like an image scorched into my
cornea
NEILL
Well, perhaps you may remember
that Jane did a painting that was inspired by the whole incident...
DARIA
Yes...
NEILL
Well, it sold for quite a bit
of money...
DARIA
How much?
NEILL
3 Grand
(Daria looks surprised)
(Neill takes out camera and
takes photo)
NEILL
Jane made me take that
DARIA
Still, I can't accept this...
NEILL
Daria...you showed me
hospitality...now I just want to repay the favour....
DARIA
I can't...
NEILL
I've cleared it with your
parents...and they sent all your stuff up here a couple of weeks ago, when I
first had the idea...
DARIA
I can't just...
NEILL
Why not?
DARIA
It's on the other side of the
world...
NEILL
You powers of perception amaze
me Daria...it's only 5 days and 5 nights, and I'll have you back in time for the
holidays...you'll stay with my family...so accommodation isn't a problem...So....what
do you say Daria? I've got two tickets to paradise, wont you pack your bags we
leave tonight.
BRAD
I love the riff in that song...
NEILL
By the way, your bags already
have been packed...I threw in a bikini as well...
DARIA
What?
NEILL
Well we are going to
DARIA
Sure...why not? It can't be
crazier than what I've had to put up with during the past 6 or so months...let's
go...
(Daria and Neill get up)
Scene V (INT, late
Night, Limousine)
(Neill and Daria are sitting
in the limousine)
NEILL
So...this is an unusual turn of
events huh?
DARIA
I still can't believe it...
NEILL
You want to know why I really
gave you that trip?
DARIA
You're not...into me...are you?
NEILL
Nah...I'm not good enough for
you...I gave it to you because you give me hope.
DARIA
Hope?
NEILL
I came to this country to
change...I mean...I haven't been able to yet...but seeing all you've gone
through...seeing how you came out of it...it gives me hope that I may be able to
change yet. That's why I paid your rent the first few weeks...I wanted to have you
around as an example to me...you know...you affect a lot more people than you'll
ever know...
DARIA
Huh...I guess I never thought
about it that way before
NEILL
And you wouldn't because
you're not conceited...
DARIA
Well, that's true
NEILL
It's the energy of transformation
that you exude that led Jane to paint that painting. That's why it sold so
much, because change is a timeless theme. Jane felt that you gave that painting
so much energy...she felt she had to pay you back...so...I told her that she could
pay for the farewell party and I'd pay for the tickets...
DARIA
I'm sorry if I don't have any
speeches planned...but this sort of thing doesn't happen very often...but I will
say this...thanks.
NEILL
What for?
DARIA
I realise that I may not be
the easiest person in the world to get along with...I want to thank you for
taking a shot on me. I thought when I got to college, that the first semester
would be hell...I mean...without Jane...but you've made up for it. You pushed me to
my boundaries....just by being you...so...thanks...
NEILL
Don't sweat the small
stuff....wait till we get to
DARIA
Oh God...its summer over there
isn't it?
NEILL
It's why I bought you a
bikini...
DARIA
How would you know my size?
NEILL
Mostly from memory...very, very
vivid memories.
(Daria blushes, then lets out
a laugh)
END
-Will Jane become a big
spender? Will Daria get a boyfriend? Will Neill get over his crippling issues?
Will
(Authors notes)
**That's season one folks...a
few words on the themes. 1. How
family can shape a person for life. 2.
Change. 3. Growing up 4. Cultural differences! There are
going to be few new themes I want to run throughout next season...so stay tuned.
The first semester for Daria's character was overwhelming, so look for her to
be more assertive next season. And stay tuned for the stand alone 'Daria in Oz'
fic I'm writing! I'd like to thank you all, (the one
or two people who read it) for taking the journey, and hope you'll want to see
more!**
*Questions? Comments?
Plot Ideas? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*