THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE: A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 13

THE LEGEND OF RICK McCOSKER

(Mr Hamilton has some bad news, while Neill sees snow for the first time)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Day, Library)

 

(Daria is sitting in the Library, studying, all the while wearing her new casual look, when Christie enters)

 

CHRISTIE

Cracking the books?

 

DARIA

Yeah, my exams tomorrow

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah...mine too...but my studies have been made all the harder by the fact that the biology section is always...shall we say...occupied

 

(Daria looks at her quizzically)

 

CHRISTIE

Just stay out of the biology section...you could run the risk of seeing Neill putting the moves on half the cheer squad...oh wait...you've already seen that first hand...

 

DARIA

You know about that? Wait...what did Neill tell you?...because I didn't do anything...

 

CHRISTIE

Relax Little Miss Sexpot...he said it was a mistake...but at least now you know you can have that type of pull....

 

DARIA

Yes, to half asleep men who have been overworked...Indeed I feel sexy (In an unconvincing tone)

 

CHRISTIE

There's something you're not telling me...

 

DARIA

Yes...just about the nuclear research station...whoops...

 

CHRISTIE

Daria...

 

DARIA

Fine...I won't say that it wasn't entirely not flattering...

 

CHRISTIE

In English?

 

DARIA

I did feel...(mumbles)

 

CHRISTIE

What's this? Young Daria has a crush on her roommate? Classic.

 

DARIA

No...it's not like that...it's just that...it's the first time somebody's tried to you know...

 

CHRISTIE

Put the moves on you? Don't you have an ex?

 

DARIA

Yeah...but he was always the perfect gentleman...as such

 

CHRISTIE

Don't all guys try to put the moves on you?

 

DARIA

Apparently...that's why it was weird for me...what...happened...or didn't...

 

CHRISTIE

Sounds like our little girl is growing up...

 

DARIA

I want a lollypop

 

CHRISTIE

Don't try to deny it Daria...pretty soon you could be involved in a three way with a Norwegian midget named Jorgen and a goat...

 

DARIA

I have to leave now

 

(Daria picks up her books and runs off)

 

CHRISTIE

Come on Daria! Don't spoil a girl's fun like that!

 

(Preston walks to Christie, looking at Daria rushing out)

 

PRESTON

Sup? Was that just Daria?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah, I know...it's her new look

 

PRESTON

Damn...I thought there was a fine honey under all that...

 

CHRISTIE

Yes indeed...our young girl is becoming a woman...

 

PRESTON

I hear that...so...what's up?

 

CHRISTIE

Nothing much, just continuing my hot, steamy love affair on the Isle of Lesbian Love...

 

PRESTON

Not cool...last time you made me faint I thought I was dead for 2 minutes....

 

Scene II (INT, Early Afternoon, Radio Station)

 

NEILL

And that's it for me...for the semester actually, but rest assured, Neill Hayden will be back next semester, bigger and better than ever before! I have some pretty big plans for the show, so don't forget to tune into RCR next semester as the Alfie Langer Half Hour tribute show goes the tonk! Stay tuned for the Randy Goat...until next semester, I'm outta here!

 

RANDY

Good show...not great but good...so you've done all your saving I see?

 

NEILL

Yep...now I've done my exams and I have the money I need, all I can do is lie around until departure time

 

RANDY

Well, I've got to say, I thought you were a one hit wonder, but you ended up being our number one show...first time for a freshman as well

 

NEILL

Above Mystic Clara's gossip show?

 

RANDY

Yeah

 

NEILL

That's a travesty...an absolute travesty

 

RANDY

Here, I know you're not leaving for a while, but I got you something for pulling in new members... (Hands Neill a box)

 

NEILL

(Opens box) It's a black robe....

 

RANDY

Yes... (Closes sound-proof door)...my superiors would like to bring you into the fold...

 

NEILL

The fold of what?

 

RANDY

Since this college was founded, there has been a secret order...

 

NEILL

I don't have to read poetry do I?

 

RANDY

That has been privy to the inner workings of the campus...

 

NEILL

Wait...I'm being accepted into some sort of secret society?

 

RANDY

The Black Doves...for years controlling the output of this institution...

 

NEILL

Shouldn't you have dragged me off in the night or something?

 

RANDY

Yes...but because of your size, we couldn't find a body bag for you...

 

NEILL

Oh

 

RANDY

You should consider it a great honour...you're he first international student to be considered for membership

 

NEILL

I'm sure it is...but I'll have to think about it mate...

 

RANDY

By all means...just come back when you're ready...I don't have to tell you not to tell anybody

 

NEILL

Got it...mum's the word...

 

Scene III (INT, Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Daria sitting on couch, reading, when Neill enters)

 

NEILL

What's the good word short stuff?

 

DARIA

Indifference

 

NEILL

Guess I walked right into that one...so...what's goin' on?

 

DARIA

Nothing much...waiting for Brad

 

NEILL

Oh, is today when you put the moves on him...because I can leave...and there's a camera in my room if that gets you revved up...

 

DARIA

No...we're studying for the exam tomorrow...

 

NEILL

Whatever you want to call it short stuff

 

(It starts to snow outside)

 

NEILL

Is...Is that snow?

 

DARIA

Well spotted Watson

 

NEILL

Excuse me

 

(Neill runs out of dorm)

 

(Brad is brushed by Neill when he enters)

 

BRAD

Whoa...what's up with him?

 

DARIA

Dropped on his head a child...so...ready for that exam tomorrow?

 

BRAD

Pretty much...thanks to you...

 

DARIA

Oh stop....ok...don't stop

 

BRAD

I think this is the first time I haven't been worried about an exam in my life...

 

DARIA

Well, it's been all you...I just gave you the tools...you made the house...as such...

 

BRAD

Yeah...by the way...I wanted to thank you...but you weren't here about a month ago...I wrote a song for you...

 

DARIA

Wait...The Post modern girl with the Mona Lisa smile?

 

BRAD

Yeah

 

DARIA

Oh....so....it was a thank you?

 

BRAD

Yeah...for the first time in my life I feel like I'm not about to fail...

 

DARIA

Well, I'm sorry I missed it...maybe at the next gig

 

BRAD

There won't be a next gig....the band broke up

 

DARIA

Really? I didn't see any Japanese conceptual artists on campus...

 

BRAD

   I left...people were messing with my mind...trying to make me see things that weren't really there...

 

DARIA

Hmm...

 

BRAD

Penny for your thoughts?

 

DARIA

Just thinking about people manipulating me to see things that aren't really there...

 

BRAD

You don't play anything do you?

 

DARIA

I can play pop goes the weasel on the flute...but that's the extent of my musical talent...wait...I can play an old man's blues in a pinch...

 

BRAD

Damn....hmm...(regarding window)...snow...holidays are soon...

 

DARIA

Yeah....I guess so... (Regards window)

 

(We see Neill dancing in the snow and laughing like a schoolchild)

 

(Zoom to window)

 

Scene IV (EXT, Day, Courtyard)

 

(Zoom to Neill playing in snow, Christie walks by)

 

CHRISTIE

Neill, what are you doing? The neighbours are starting to stare

 

NEILL

It's snowing!

 

CHRISTIE

Yes....it is...oh...is this...?

 

NEILL

It's snowing!

 

CHRISTIE

This is the first time you've seen snow...isn't it?

 

NEILL

(Laughing) Packs a snowball and throws it at Christie

 

(Christie falls back at getting hit by snowball)

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...that's it...you're going down Lurch!

 

(Time passes)

 

(Sandi approaches)

 

SANDI

What the hell Christie! I was supposed to meet you at you're dorm about 40 minutes ago!

 

CHRISTIE

I thought I still had...(checks watch)...oh...sorry...lost track of time...

 

SANDI

Well, I guess it's ok...so...what are you kids doing?

 

NEILL

Building a snowman

 

SANDI

A snowman?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah...it's going to be pretty damn good, if I may say so myself...

 

SANDI

Who the hell builds a snowman?...sounds like something kids would do...

 

NEILL

Well, I'm making up for lost time....

 

(Sandi considers)

 

SANDI

Oh....this is your first time isn't it?

 

NEILL

Yep...I'm a snow virgin

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I couldn't imagine you being the other kind...

 

NEILL

What? A sun virgin? I grew up in the outback....

 

SANDI

You're just kidding right?

 

NEILL

Of course!...hang on...I think living with Daria has affected my sense of humour...

 

(Christie packs a snowball, and throws it at Sandi)

 

SANDI

Oh...that's it...first you stand me up and then you throw a snowball at me?... (Starts packing snowball) you're going down...going downtown...

 

NEILL

Downtown?

 

SANDI

I was never good at smack talk... (Throws snowball at Christie)

 

(Neill, Sandi and Christie are now immersed in a snowball fight)

 

(Steven walks by)

 

STEVEN

Hey Christie, its cold out, I got a fire where we can get warm together

 

CHRISTIE

And pray tell where this fire is?

 

(Steven looks apprehensive)

 

NEILL

Go on mate...its gold...

 

STEVEN

The fire is....in my pants...

 

SANDI

I take it you taught him that Neill?

 

NEILL

Well, it's not like I do anything at training, so I do my homework and teach Steven new innuendoes...

 

SANDI

Innuendoes hey?

 

NEILL

Go on mate

 

STEVEN

In your endo...

 

CHRISTIE

Wow, he's even more piggish than before...my hat goes off to you Neill

 

NEILL

It's what I do

 

Scene V (INT, Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Daria and brad sitting at table, reading various texts)

 

BRAD

You know...its like; once you get over the big words...everything becomes clear...

 

DARIA

Yes...damn those big words...always there to confuse people. They say if Lee Harvey Oswald was able to read those big words, he would've been distracted by all the books...and JFK would have lived. At least that's what they say in certain chat rooms...

 

BRAD

Really? Cool...

 

(Daria looks out window)

 

DARIA

Wow...snowball fight...

 

BRAD

Really?

 

DARIA

I'm not a huge fan of getting hit in the head with ice, so I think I'll just stay here

 

(Puts head back down, while Brad is distracted by the activity outside)

 

DARIA

Damn...these contacts are itching like hell...hang on...I'll be right back

 

(Daria goes to bathroom, while Brad hits the books again)

 

(There is a knock at the door, so Brad answers the door)

 

BRAD

Hello?

 

PRESTON

Hey...Daria home?

 

BRAD

Who are you?

 

PRESTON

Who are you? This is Daria's dorm right?

 

BRAD

Maybe...what's it to you?

 

PRESTON

Is Daria home?

 

BRAD

Who are you?

 

PRESTON

Man...are you high right now?

 

BRAD

What's it to you?

 

PRESTON

Listen, I'm looking for Daria Morgandorffer...is she here?

 

BRAD

Sure she's here

 

PRESTON

Tell her that Mr Hamilton wants to see us right away

 

BRAD

Ok, whatever dude. (Shuts door in Preston's face)

 

PRESTON

Cracker

 

BRAD

Daria, Mr Hamilton wants to see you right away apparently...

 

(Daria leaves bathroom with glasses on)

 

DARIA

What?

 

BRAD

Yeah...some guy came to the door and said that you had to see him...

 

DARIA

Did you get this person's name?

 

BRAD

I tried...but he was being all sketchy...

 

DARIA

I better go and sort this out...

 

(Daria departs)

 

BRAD

Hmm...I wonder if Neill has any beer around

 

(Daria comes back in)

 

DARIA

And I wouldn't touch Neill's beer if I were you...he's very...territorial about it

 

BRAD

Dang

 

Scene VI (INT, Day, Mr Hamilton's Office)

 

(Mr Hamilton and Preston are sitting down in Mr Hamilton's office, Daria enters)

 

MR HAMILTON

Ahh Daria, there you are...sorry to tear you away from your studies like this...

 

DARIA

Define 'tear'

 

(Mr Hamilton chuckles)

 

MR HAMILTON

Can I get you some coffee? Tea?

 

DARIA

I'll be fine

 

PRESTON

The man makes a fine brew

 

MR HAMILTON

Now, the cordialities are out of the way...the reason why you both are here...

 

DARIA

Yes?

 

MR HAMILTON

I'm afraid I've had some rather bad news...

 

PRESTON

Spike Lee is going commercial?

 

MR HAMILTON

No no no....he's already gone commercial...this has to do with the course I was running

 

DARIA

Was?

 

MR HAMILTON

Well, Mr Black found out that we may need a lecture hall with a screen in it...and thought it was too much of an expense. I swear...the standards of this College have dropped during his deanship... so anyhow...the course is off for the time being...

 

PRESTON

Damn...I was actually looking forward to challenging myself...

 

DARIA

What do we do about enrolment for next semester?

 

MR HAMILTON

You enrol as normal...but I do have a proposition for you both...

 

DARIA

It isn't some kind of death sport is it?

 

MR HAMILTON

What? No...I have noticed that you two are quite the most promising students that have passed through these halls in quite some time

 

PRESTON

Where are you white people getting your drugs from?

 

(Mr Hamilton chuckles)

 

MR HAMITLON

As I have said, standards for domestic students have dropped, and subsequently to balance this...academic requirements have been dropped, so instead of going to a fine college, you two are going to an ok college, not nearly the institution it used to be.

 

DARIA

Is this going somewhere?

 

MR HAMILTON

I'm sorry, I must be waffling again. What I wanted to ask you two is do you want to work on a research assignment I'm doing?

 

PRESTON

Say what?

 

MR HAMILTON

I would like to offer you two positions on my undergraduate research team...

 

PRESTON

Would we get course credit for it?

 

MR HAMILTON

Ahh...that's the snag....it won't be recognised as a course credit...but it will look good on any resume...and you will receive a very small stipend for your services...

 

DARIA

So I take it we'll have this position in conjunction with our normal schedule?

 

MR HAMILTON

Unfortunately yes...it's just that both of you were really looking forward to challenging yourselves...

 

PRESTON

I'll have to think about it...

 

MR HAMILTON

Of course...take all the time you need. Just come back before the commencement of the next term. If I'm not here, I'll be wintering in Sussex, here's a number. (Hands Daria and Preston a piece of paper) So...that's about it really.

 

Scene VII (EXT, Afternoon, Courtyard)

 

(Daria and Preston are walking along the courtyard)

 

PRESTON

So, going to take the position?

 

DARIA

I'll have to think about it, I mean, in between my job and study load, I hardly ever have time to take over the free world anymore, let alone become part of a research team... 

 

PRESTON

Yeah, maybe if he told us what we were researching, then maybe I'd be more interested

 

DARIA

Tell me about it, if I knew we were going to research literature during the plague years, I'd be in.

 

PRESTON

Sometimes you scare me Daria

 

DARIA

I scare a lot of people, just buckle up and enjoy the ride...

 

PRESTON

Will do...by the way...what happened to the contacts?

 

DARIA

They were itching like hell...so I took them out

 

PRESTON

But wasn't the point of you new look to look better

 

DARIA

And who says I don't look good in my glasses?

 

PRESTON

Right on...

 

DARIA

I don't need contacts to feel sexy. If I want to look sexy, I'll put them in...but the glasses have always been there for me...they've defined me, so before I start bowing to convention set by middle managers appealing to a demographic, I think I'll keep my glasses...

 

PRESTON

I was just asking why no contacts Daria...damn...and one thing...

 

DARIA

Yes?

 

PRESTON

If you're not bowing to convention, then why do you still have the new outfit on?

 

(Daria stops and looks at Preston)

 

(Christie runs up)

 

CHRISTIE

Okay, here's the deal, a campus wide snowball fight is going on. Preston, since you're already wearing blue, you're on blue team. Daria, you're on red team.

 

DARIA

Excuse me?

 

CHRISTIE

You heard me...now break!

 

DARIA

What makes you think I want to be part of a snowball fight?

 

CHRISTIE

Come on Daria! Everybody loves a snowball fight!

 

PRESTON

The woman has a point

 

DARIA

I just don't want to...that's all...why am I being forced into a fight I don't want?

 

CHRISTIE

Nobody's forcing you Daria...we'd just like you to join the rest of us

 

PRESTON

Sounds OK

 

CHRISTIE

See Daria. Nothing to be afraid of...everybody is enjoying themselves

 

DARIA

Well maybe I don't want to enjoy myself. Maybe I have an exam tomorrow and I want to study. Come to think of it, don't you have an exam tomorrow as well Christie?

 

CHRISTIE

Yes, but you can't live to principle Daria. Sometimes to stay sane during college, and life, you have to let your hair down a bit...

 

PRESTON

Come On Daria! It'll be fun!

 

DARIA

Listen, I don't want to be part of your world... (Daria blushes and leaves)

 

CHRISTIE

What the hell was that all about?

 

PRESTON

No Idea...say...what team are you on?

 

CHRISTIE

Red Team...and I just happen to have a snowball right here

 

PRESTON

I see... (Runs for life)

 

CHRISTIE

Come back here and take your punishment like a man!

 

Scene VIII (INT, Late Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Brad is studying, when Daria enters)

 

BRAD

Sup Daria?

 

DARIA

Nothing much

 

BRAD

What was that meeting about?

 

DARIA

I may not be leaving your class after all

 

BRAD

Cool

 

DARIA

Kinda, I was looking forward to challenging myself though...

 

BRAD

What do you mean?

 

DARIA

I always thought that College would provide a challenge...but I got here and found the work ridiculously easy

 

BRAD

A challenge you say?

 

DARIA

Yeah, I wanted something that would challenge my beliefs on certain things, but I found that no matter how many texts the course set aside, I had read them already...

 

(Daria looks out window to look at people in snowball fight)

 

BRAD

What you lookin' at?

 

DARIA

Just people getting pneumonia...

 

BRAD

Cool...snowball fight...

 

DARIA

What are they? 12?

 

(Brad looks at Catcher on the Rye sitting on the table)

 

BRAD

So...what were you doing when you were 12?

 

DARIA

Lemme guess. The first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth...

 

(Brad looks stunned)

 

DARIA

What?

 

BRAD

Nothing...it's just that...

 

DARIA

Just What Brad?

 

BRAD

You just recited the opening paragraph to Catcher in the Rye

 

(Daria's turn to look stunned)

 

BRAD

Yeah...

 

DARIA

I did, didn't I?

 

(Daria looks out of window again)

 

BRAD

Anything you want to talk about?

 

DARIA

Not really...

 

BRAD

Maybe about how you don't want to become involved....in the snowball fight

 

DARIA

I don't see the point of running around trying to hit each other with balls of ice is all...

 

BRAD

Sounds like something kids would do

 

DARIA

Yeah...

 

BRAD

Did you ever play with snowballs when you were a kid?

 

DARIA

Not that I know of...I like to read

 

BRAD

I know I'm new at this stuff...but could the snowball fight be a metaphor for something?

 

DARIA

Maybe

 

BRAD

It's like, you don't want to let go of something....but at the same time, that's what you've been trying to do your whole life...you've been trying to let go of the past...something that hurt you in the past. You make strides, but you can't seem to go that last step. You know chances are that you'll actually be happy once you do it, but you can't bring yourself to utter the words...

 

DARIA

We aren't talking about me...are we?

 

BRAD

Maybe....

 

DARIA

I've got to go.....damn Brad....why did you have to go and open you're god damn mouth?

 

BRAD

What?

 

DARIA

Sorry...I didn't mean it like that...it's just that...I got to go...

 

(Daria exits, to the confusion of Brad)

 

Scene IX (EXT, Early Evening, Courtyard)

 

(Neill is behind a wall, stockpiling snowballs, when Daria joins him)

 

NEILL

Daria? What's the good word short stuff?

 

DARIA

Acceptance

 

NEILL

What?

 

DARIA

Can I talk to you?

 

NEILL

Anytime Luv...

 

DARIA

It's important...

 

NEILL

Oh...I can go and get Christie if you like...I think she's still harassing Preston...

 

DARIA

I'd much rather talk to you...

 

NEILL

Ok, well make yourself useful and start making snowballs...

 

(Daria and Neill start packing snowballs)

 

DARIA

I just feel so weak sometimes...

 

NEILL

You haven't been eating Brad's brownies have you?

 

DARIA

No...it's just that...

 

NEILL

What?

 

DARIA

Let's just say you have this problem...you try to overcome it...you make cosmetic changes, hoping that you can let go of the world you're trying to leave behind, but now you're faced with a seemingly minor challenge...but you can't overcome it...

 

NEILL

Mmm....Daria...you've never heard of Rick McCosker have you?

 

DARIA

No...

 

NEILL

Well, it was the centenary test match against the old enemy, when he gets his jaw broken and has to go off the field. Now, Australia was in a perilous position with only 8, 9, 10 and Jack left. So he comes back out, in one of the most courageous acts anyone's ever seen. He comes back out and he's not afraid to play hook shots, because he knows that the reward is greater than any pain...he knows a victory over the old enemy is above everything else...so he ploughed on and made some vital runs...

 

DARIA

I think I get it...

 

NEILL

Daria, you may be feeling weak...but you have more strength than you'll ever know.

 

DARIA

I doubt it

 

NEILL

Let's recap shall we? When I first met you...I don't mind admitting that I was a little put off by you...and the only reason I let you stay was because so people wouldn't stick around when they...slept over...but then I got to know you...and you changed...

 

DARIA

I did?

 

NEILL

Yeah, I saw that when I was in Lawndale...I was talking to various people about you...and their descriptions didn't match up to the person I knew...so I was intrigued.

 

DARIA

Oh...

 

NEILL

So I started to objectively look at the facts...I've seen you nude, you've seen me nude, I've accidentally tried to seduce you, you've forged a relationship with a lesbian and you haven't run away. You've grown.

 

DARIA

Ok...but now I've got this one hurdle to get over...and I can't handle it

 

NEILL

Well, tell me about the hurdle

 

DARIA

It's like I can see that people are being stupid...but I can also see that they're having fun. I can't stop seeing it as stupid...I just can't let go and have fun...I can't fully go into that world of not worrying about everything...I can't let go...

 

NEILL

You will one day...and then you'll be the person you were meant to be, you would have sampled the grass on either side, and decide which side is greener...

 

DARIA

How do you know so much?

 

NEILL

Well, let's just say that half the reason I came to this country was to let go...I can't do it. I know there will be a time where I can get on with my life...but not right now. You remember when I said that we were two different sides of the same coin?

 

DARIA

Vaguely

 

NEILL

Well, I meant it. We're at two extremes. And to see that you're making huge strides to finding the edge...it gives me hope...it really does.

 

DARIA

Are you drunk?

 

NEILL

Not yet...but the night is young... (Hands Daria a snowball)

 

(Christie walks by)

 

NEILL

I think you'd feel better if you threw a snowball

 

DARIA

Maybe I would...

 

(Stands up and hits Christie with a snowball)

 

CHRISTIE

(Shocked, falls backwards) Daria? You have deserted the red team?

 

DARIA

I guess so

 

 CHRISTIE

You know the punishment for desertion..... (Throws snowball at Daria)

 

DARIA

Oww! Bitch! You're going down!

 

(Daria and Christie start to chase each other around with snowballs)

 

NEILL

Well, I guess my work is done

 

(Brad sits down next to Neill)

 

BRAD

Hey dude

 

NEILL

I guess my work isn't done

 

BRAD

What?

 

NEILL

Nothing...so...Daria show you a good time eh champ?

 

BRAD

Wha?...we studied for tomorrow's exam...

 

NEILL

If that's what you want to call it...

 

BRAD

Can I talk to you?

 

NEILL

Sure...but you'll owe me a beer...

 

BRAD

You ever faced with a problem that you just can't overcome because of something in your past?

 

NEILL

Is this about Daria?

 

BRAD

Kinda...how would you know?

 

NEILL

Remember, I'm observant

 

BRAD

Cool...anyhow I just can't get over this hurdle...

 

NEILL

Have you ever heard of Rick McCosker?

 

END

 

-What's Brad's hurdle? What's Neill's big plan? Is Jane a part of this plan? Will Daria and Preston take research positions? All these questions and more, half answered in the FINAL episode of Season one!-

 

(Authors Notes)

 

**Stand by for the Final episode sports fans! Full of thrills, spills, and awkward social graces!**

 

*Questions? Comments? Pez? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *