THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE: A Ranting Klown series

 

EPISODE 11-1

PASSING RUGBY STYLE: PT I

(A confrontation between Neill and Sandi brings up old issues for Christie, and Daria and Neill go on a road trip)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Night, Neill and Daria's dorm)

 

DARIA

So then Neill tells me that my worst suspicions are true...

 

JANE

The Russians are coming?

 

DARIA

No, Brad is into me...as such...

 

JANE

Wow, a double entendre, you really are frazzled

 

DARIA

Yeah...I haven't been so confused since...well...Tom and I...uhh...yeah...

 

JANE

The real question is here, do you like him?

 

DARIA

I thought I did.

 

JANE

What is that supposed to mean?

 

DARIA

Uhh...nothing....

 

JANE

You can't suddenly decide you're going to try and be open and honest with everybody and then not go the whole way with you best friend...

 

DARIA

Now you're the one making the double entendres...

 

JANE

Out with it

 

DARIA

Okay, but promise not to torture me with it?

 

JANE

I can't promise anything...you know that

 

DARIA

Deep down, I already know that......but let's say that if you try to rip on me, I'll tell people what's under your bed, in the blue box....

 

JANE

You wouldn't!....okay....you would. Ok, I'll be quiet.

 

DARIA

Let's just say that what you said about Brad being a surrogate Trent, it has some truth to it. I saw Brad and was immediately reminded of Trent, and because I...uhh...liked him, I thought that I had some left over feelings for Trent. So I confronted myself and discovered that I didn't have feelings for Trent, so now I'm questioning whether or not the feelings I had for Brad in the first place were just misplaced delusions about Trent resurfacing.

 

JANE

Is this Daria?

 

DARIA

Shut up

 

JANE

Sounds like there's some stuff you have to work through...

 

DARIA

I wish I could just get some distance on the whole thing, but this damn college thing

 

JANE

Damn college, always there....doing stuff....

 

DARIA

How are you looking forward to College?

 

JANE

8 weeks and counting, I'm kinda nervous, but hearing that you've found some cool people makes me feel good about the whole thing. Maybe I can get a cute Mick Dundee to pay most of my board as well....

 

DARIA

Ugh...

 

JANE

Okay, enough said, oh, call your family, Quinn has been here in an attempt to "replace the nerdiness
" in her life...suffice to say that it got ugly...

 

DARIA

Sounds rough...okay, I'll see you some time...

 

Scene II (INT, Night, Sandi's apartment)

 

SANDI

How could you!?!

 

NEILL

I'm a big boy! I like to think that I have a choice when it comes to the bedroom department!

 

SANDI

I bet you weren't going to even give her your phone number!

 

NEILL

We're both adults dammit! We can do whatever the hell we want!

 

RENEE

He has a point there...

 

SANDI

Stay out of this!

 

NEILL

We both know that this isn't about me and Renee!

 

SANDI

Damn right it isn't!

 

NEILL

You want to tell me that my lifestyle is chauvinistic and deplorable!

 

SANDI

Well it is!

 

NEILL

Well what do you call sleeping with someone on the first date!?!

 

SANDI

At least were in a relationship now!

 

NEILL

And you want to tell me what's healthy!?!

 

CHRISTIE

Both of you stop this now! I'm not letting this happen again! Now you both are going to be happy okay? Everything's going to be fine....everybody is going to be accepting of everybody else...

 

SANDI

Are you okay?

 

CHRISTIE

I will not have the two most important people in my life rejecting each other....and I will not have him rejecting you...not again...

 

(Christie realises she's not really making sense and walks out of the room)

 

NEILL

What the hell was that all about?

 

SANDI

It was your fault!

 

NEILL

My fault!?

 

SANDI

Let's just say she has some issues with people close to her accepting new people in her life....

 

NEILL

Listen, we both like Christie yes?

 

SANDI

I presume so

 

NEILL

So until we find out more about what just caused...that...let's call a truce...

 

SANDI

Sounds fair...just try not to sleep with any of my relatives...

 

NEILL

I can't make that promise....but I can try...try not to sleep with any of my mates...

 

Scene III (INT, night, Christie's dorm)

 

(Christie rummaging through drawer, trying to find some money)

 

CHRISTIE

Yes, that'll do....

 

(Christie leaves the room, with cash and a note)

 

(Christie departs)

 

(Fade to black)

 

(Sandi and Neill walking to Christie's dorm)

 

SANDI

Just let me do the talking would you?

 

NEILL

What the hell is that supposed to mean...?

 

SANDI

Look, a note

 

(Picks up note on Christie's door)

 

SANDI

Dear Sandi and Neill, undoubtedly you have been looking for me because let's face it, I'm hot. Anyhow, I just want you two to know that I don't really care that you two don't get along, I'll still be Neill's friend and Sandi's lover, but I have to go home and sort some things out.... I'll be back after the weekend...

 

NEILL

How odd...

 

SANDI

Indeed...

 

Scene IV (INT, morning, Neill and Daria's Dorm)

 

(Neill enters)

 

DARIA

Hey Neill

 

NEILL

Hey Daria

 

DARIA

Have you seen Christie?

 

NEILL

Yes and no, she's gone home for the weekend...

 

DARIA

To Jacksonville? Why?

 

NEILL

I think she just needed to sort some stuff out, you know, get some perspective, she found out that me and Sandi don't exactly get along.

 

DARIA

Oh...

 

NEILL

Nah, it's all good, she left a note saying that she didn't really care about me and Sandi...

 

DARIA

So she's gone?

 

NEILL

Afraid so....

 

DARIA

Damn

 

NEILL

Want to talk about it?

 

DARIA

No

 

NEILL

Well, I'll only be here a couple of days, the teams on the road, get this, at Lawndale State

 

DARIA

Lawndale?

 

NEILL

Yeah, don't know if it's your Lawndale or not, but it is freaky...so, you don't want to talk about it?

 

DARIA

Is it the repetitive answer of 'no' that gives you hope?

 

NEILL

No, it just makes me more curious, you know, if you really wanted to hide something, you'd make up a story about why you've got that pensive look on your face instead of denying everything...

 

DARIA

Damn

 

NEILL

Yep...just makes it just so much more interesting...

 

DARIA

It's this Brad thing...

 

NEILL

Ahh....the Post Modern Girl...if I were him, I would've just done a Jet cover..... 'Big Black Boots, Long Brown hair, she's so sweet with her, get back stare! I could take you home with me, but you were with another man...'...okay, so you're not with another man....I think...but the rest of the song has relevance...

 

DARIA

Wow, fascinating, so fascinating I'm going to completely ignore it...

 

NEILL

Oooh....testy...sounds like you need some time off yourself...

 

DARIA

You know, that's not actually a bad idea, I've been meaning to see Jane...

 

NEILL

The one with the black hair?

 

DARIA

Yes...

 

NEILL

I have a crazy idea....

 

DARIA

As long as it doesn't involve hot wax, I'm all ears

 

NEILL

You're going to show me around the town...Ho t Wax?

 

DARIA

What?

 

NEILL

Yeah, it'll be great...

 

DARIA

I don't think that's such a good idea...

 

NEILL

Sure it is, besides, I need someone to drive me down there...for some reason the cheerleading squad is going as well, and let's just say that hell hath no fury like sisters scorned....

 

DARIA

So I'd be doing you a favour?

 

NEILL

As such...

 

DARIA

I believe now is the time to bring up some sort of fee...

 

NEILL

You're going to make a great lawyer...

 

DARIA

Runs in the family...

 

NEILL

Fine, I'll pay for the rental car and any additional expenses on the weekend, but in return, you have to find me somewhere to crash...

 

DARIA

Hell hath no fury?

 

NEILL

Exactly...

 

DARIA

Okay, sounds like a deal...

 

NEILL

I don't know I'll ever make it back for Christmas with you gouging me at every opportunity...

 

DARIA

Well maybe you should stop being so curious about me...

 

NEILL

Nice try...

 

DARIA

Damn...

 

Scene V (EXT, Day, Bus Depot)

 

(Christie hops off a bus)

 

(Christie then walks to a payphone and dials a number)

 

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

Hello?

 

CHRISTIE

Hi mom...

 

MOM

Christie? How nice to hear from you...

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah, sure. Listen, I'm at the town bus centre right now...can you give me a lift?

 

MOM

Sure...where to?

 

CHRISTIE

Well I was hoping that I could stay in my old room for a couple of days...

 

MOM

I'm not sure that's a good idea, you know, your father...

 

CHRISTIE

That's why I'm back...there's some stuff I have to get through, I need to talk to him...

 

MOM

Honey...I'm not too sure he wants to talk to you...

 

CHRISTIE

This is something I need to do, if you really were my mother...you'd understand that...

 

MOM

Sorry...

 

CHRISTIE

No...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I'm just a bit flustered right now is all. All you need to know is that I need to speak to him...

 

MOM

Okay...I guess I could let you see him, I don't know about you staying though...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, hopefully if I make my point, I'll be staying...

 

Scene VI (EXT, Late Afternoon, Road/Gas Station)

 

(Daria an Neill standing in a car park)

 

NEILL

Ready to go?

 

DARIA

Raring

 

(They walk up to the car, which is a blue hatchback)

 

NEILL

Go figure, they see me at the registration and figure that since I'm 6'5", they'd go ahead and give me a hatchback... (Throws keys to Daria)...here you go.

 

DARIA

Why aren't you driving?

 

NEILL

Australian, different country, crazy road rules, green card

 

DARIA

Oh

 

NEILL

Yeah, if I even make the smallest infringement, I'll be deported.

 

DARIA

Ok then, I guess that I control the radio station...they'll be no Men at Work

 

NEILL

No Men at Work!? If I don't hear 'I come from the Land Down Under' every half hour I go into remission!

 

DARIA

Whatever

 

(They both get in the car)

 

(Neill in an awkward position)

 

DARIA

How you holding up there stretch?

 

NEILL

Can't complain (in pain)

 

(Fade to black)

 

(Neill and Daria on the road)

 

NEILL

So...great weather we've been having...

 

DARIA

Yep

 

NEILL

Yeah...the weather's great...

 

DARIA

Sure is...

 

NEILL

Wow, we have nothing to talk about...

 

DARIA

We can always talk about the Kyoto protocol....

 

NEILL

Yeah...that's something we both have in common, both our governments couldn't care less about the environment...

 

DARIA

I've always meant to ask...why are you so....?

 

NEILL

Hot? Tall? Witty?

 

DARIA

Confident.

 

NEILL

Oh

 

DARIA

It's just that I've been trying to be more confident...but at the first sign of trouble...I go back into my shell...how do you do it?

 

NEILL

It's not about being confident...

 

DARIA

It's not?

 

NEILL

It's about tricking everybody else into thinking you're confident...

 

DARIA

Well, that does make some sense

 

NEILL

See, it works, I have no idea what I'm talking about, but you accepted it because it seemed to be true...

 

(Daria gives a cold stare to Neill)

 

(Fade to black)

 

NEILL

Hate to complain, but I don't suppose we could get out at the next roadhouse could we?

 

DARIA

Can't hurt, besides, I really should tell my parents that I'm coming...

 

NEILL

Great

 

(They pull into a gas station)

 

(Neill doing stretches in the background)

 

(Daria walks to a telephone and dials)

 

QUINN

Hello? Brent? I told you that I can't go out with you this weekend! I just can't! I wish I could but there is this sale on at Cashman's and I really can't miss it because Sandi called my outfit outdated, so I need a new one by Monday, I can't show up for class on Monday without a new outfit! If you don't understand that then I guess that were just not meant to be together...

 

DARIA

And I bought you these chocolates...

 

QUINN

Daria?

 

DARIA

The one and only

 

QUINN

What are you doing on the phone?

 

DARIA

Just wanted to give you prior warning. I'm coming to stay for the weekend, and so is my roommate.

 

QUINN

That guy with the accent?

 

DARIA

Yes......the guy with the accent, make sure you tell Mom and Dad okay?

 

QUINN

Yeah sure, so listen, what's your roommate like?

 

DARIA

He's a dreamboat...he speaks French and takes us out to expensive French restaurants....

 

QUINN

Really!!??

 

DARIA

No....hang on...he does.... (Slightly confused)...forget I said anything, I'll be there in an hour

 

QUINN

Okay, I guess I'll see you then...

 

DARIA

But what about the sale at Cashman's?

 

QUINN

That can wait...

 

DARIA

Yeah.......bye......

 

(Neill walks over)

 

NEILL

Everything Hunky-Dori?

 

DARIA

What?...

 

NEILL

Everything good? I swear, youse Yanks are so uncultured...

 

DARIA

Yes, everything's fine...let's go

 

NEILL

Do you think for the last hour of the trip we could not listen to Country and Western?

 

DARIA

Who's driving?

 

NEILL

Damn...

 

(Blue hatchback pulls up to Morgandorffer Residence)

 

(Daria and Neill get out)

 

DARIA

Okay, my mother's a workaholic legal shark, the slightest thing could set off my Dad on a rage about his childhood, and my sisters the leader of Miss Teen USA Mickey Mouse Club, you have been warned...

 

NEILL

Sounds pretty normal...

 

(Daria knocks on the door)

 

(Helen answers the door)

 

HELEN

Daria!?!?

 

DARIA

It would appear to be so...

 

(Helen smothers Daria)

 

NEILL

Seems like a shark to me...

 

HELEN

And who would you be?

 

NEILL

G'Day, I'm Daria's roommate, Neill

 

HELEN

Nice to meet you...why didn't you tell us you were coming Daria?

 

DARIA

I did...

 

(Quinn's head appears from behind door)

 

QUINN

Hi! Is it true you speak French?

 

NEILL

Very bad school boy French, yes...

 

QUINN

Wow!

 

DARIA

Quinn...why didn't you tell our dear parents that I was coming to stay?

 

QUINN

Oh yeah...I just kinda forgot...

 

DARIA

And remembered an off-hand remark about somebody you've never met....

 

HELEN

Well, come in young man....tell us all about yourself....

 

(Helen shows them in)

 

Scene VII (INT, morning, Christie's Home)

 

(Inside Christie's childhood home)

 

MOM

So...how are things?

 

CHRISTIE

I met somebody new...

 

MOM

That's......good......

 

CHRISTIE

It's not a guy...

 

MOM

No, no, I never meant to assume that....

 

CHRISTIE

Sure you didn't

 

MOM

Honestly I....

 

CHRISTIE

I know...I'm just kidding around with you...you know...its kinda weird being here...after all this time...

 

MOM

Well I would've invited you back...

 

CHRISTIE

I know mom, you've always been there for me...

 

MOM

That's nice to hear...I had to fight tooth and nail to send you to college you know...your father still hasn't forgiven you...

 

CHRISTIE

And I don't think he ever will, it's not in his nature, I just hope to make peace with the old man...

 

MOM

He sees it as a betrayal, after we took you in, he sees it as a slap in the face...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I'm here to correct that assumption...where is he now?

 

MOM

Now? (Checks watch), He'd be giving the weekly sermon...

 

CHRISTIE

He still doing that?

 

MOM

Being a minister is a full time job...

 

CHRISTIE

I guess it is...

 

Scene VIII (INT, Morning, Church/Ministers Office)

 

 

(Christie standing out the back, in sunglasses)

 

MINISTER

And until next time, go in peace, and don't forget the community raffle!

 

(The Minister spots Christie out of the corner of his eye and walks to her)

 

MINISTER

Not here, my office, I have to set an example...

 

(Christie follows minister into a back room)

 

MISISTER

You have some nerve showing up here...

 

CHRISTIE

You have some nerve preaching morality...

 

MINISTER

How dare you question my beliefs!

 

CHRISTIE

Whatever Dad, I didn't come here to fight.

 

DAD

Then you shouldn't have come at all

 

CHRISTIE

Dad, you've shown nothing but hostility toward me, but you've never said anything about why I deserve it

 

DAD

Don't call me that...I'm not your father...

 

CHRISTIE

Then why are you so mad?

 

DAD

Because we took you into our home, and then you betray me like this!?

 

CHRISTIE

I didn't mean to. It's not like I turned gay in spite of you, it just happened...

 

DAD

Just happened...and the fact that your disease only got worse after I confronted you about it?

 

CHRISTIE

Being Gay is not a disease! I know, I'm a biology major! It got worse because I finally admitted to myself!

 

DAD

It got worse because you always hated who I was

 

CHRISTIE

Well, wasn't exactly thrilled with the whole being the minister's daughter thing

 

DAD

Why did you come back here? Why did you have to bring all this pain and suffering back into my and Martha's life...

 

CHRISTIE

So this is how it's going to be huh? I'm going to come back and have my adopted father cast me out like a leper...is that it?

 

DAD

I guess so

 

CHRISTIE

You know what! You need take off those rose tinted glasses! You need to stop seeing the world as apple pie and debutante balls! There's a whole world out there! You need to realise is that if you truly believed that God invented the world, and controls our daily lives, then he intended for me to be gay, and lots of other people too! The bible wasn't written by God! It was written by people who took the words of God and bent them into their own ideologies! And if do truly believe in the power of redemption, then I suppose there is hope for you yet...but you don't. You believe in America, and that America you believe in has Christianity as its cornerstone! Until you realise that the bible perhaps isn't the word of God, but perhaps metaphorical, then there is no hope for us! I'm staying in a hotel!

 

DAD

Fine, see if I care!

 

CHRISTIE

If you truly believed in God, you would care!

 

(Christie storms off)

 

Scene IX (INT, Early Evening, Morgandorffer Residence)

 

(Jake, Helen, Daria, Neill and Quinn sitting on the sofas drinking coffee)

 

JAKE

So, my man...How's the country treating you...?

 

NEILL

I'm actually quite surprised, I thought I'd be stabbed at least 5 times by now, but jokes aside, it's been good, and may I say, you have raised one hell of a daughter...

 

QUINN

Thanks!

 

HELEN

He was talking about Daria honey....go on...

 

NEILL

Well, she was willing to accept me right off the bat, when I first met her I thought she be one of those people who would just assume I'm stupid because I was Australian, but she didn't, and I'm eternally grateful for that...made me feel at home when I was 10000 Kilometres away...(looks at Daria)

 

(Daria blushes)

 

NEILL

Making her blush is fun too...

 

(The Morgandorffers look nervous)

 

NEILL

I can see where she gets it from...

 

HELEN

So, tell us about where you're from

 

NEILL

There's not much to tell, I grew up on a farm in Queensland, that's the north-eastern part of the country, temperatures get to about 45...I mean...um....about 110 degrees in summer

 

QUINN

How can you stand it! I mean all the sweating! Ick!

 

NEILL

I guess you get used to it...how do you deal with the cold? I mean, it got down to about 3 degrees Celsius the other day, what's up with that?

 

JAKE

It's all part of the conspiracy....

 

NEILL

Conspiracy....?

 

HELEN

Quinn, why don't you show our guest to his room?

 

QUINN

Sure! Come on Neill! (They walk off) It's the one with the bunnies in it

 

HELEN

So.... (To Daria) We approve...

 

JAKE

We do?

 

DARIA

You do?

 

HELEN

Yes, he seems like a nice young man...

 

DARIA

And I need your approval why exactly?...

 

HELEN

Well...you know...if you to are going to be dating

 

DARIA

Stop

 

JAKE

Stop what Kiddo?

 

DARIA

I am only going to say this once...and then leave to go and see Jane...Me and Neill...no...just...no

 

JAKE

Okay then Kiddo....

 

(Daria leaves to go upstairs)

 

HELEN

She's obviously hiding something

 

JAKE

Undoubtedly...where did I put my martini?

 

HELEN

Jake!

 

(Daria and Neill walking along street)

 

NEILL

So...your sister...she's...nice

 

DARIA

Nice like too much Iced Cream...

 

NEILL

Remind me again...what's the legal age in this country?

 

(Stern look from Daria)

 

NEILL

Kidding! Too young for my liking...

 

DARIA

Besides, let's just say she talks a big game....but pulls up short on game night

 

NEILL

Did you just use a sporting euphemism?

 

DARIA

Good God. I think this whole college thing is getting to me....

 

NEILL

So...where are we going again?

 

DARIA

To surprise someone...

 

NEILL

Okay then... (Looking around) you know, if I had a definition of American Suburbia in my mind, this would pretty much be it....it begs the question....

 

DARIA

What question?

 

NEILL

Suburbia...you...I mean...how does this place produce somebody like you?

 

DARIA

It doesn't produce me, I produce me...as such...

 

NEILL

What the hell are we talking about?

 

DARIA

I have no idea...

 

(Walk up to a door)

 

(Jane answers)

 

JANE

Daria? Cute Guy?

 

NEILL

G'Day yourself spunky

 

(Neill and Jane exchange come hither stares)

 

DARIA

I knew this was a mistake

 

Scene X (INT, Night, Christie's Motel room)

 

(Christie in a hotel room, flicking the channels on the TV set)

 

(Looks at the phone, before picking it up and dialling)

 

SANDI

Taxidermists Anonymous...got a problem with stuffing?

 

CHRISTIE

Hey

 

SANDI

Hey

 

CHRISTIE

So, I thought I had better give you an explanation

 

SANDI

I don't think it's necessary, your friend and your girl don't like each other, and you just needed some space...

 

CHRISTIE

Kinda, but the whole thing brought up some feelings that I thought were buried...so I now have to go back and fix them, before they consume me...it's hard to explain...the fight between you and Neill....it was kinda metaphorical...

 

SANDI

You don't have to explain anything to me, just promise you'll be back...

 

CHRISTIE

Of course I have to go back....I left Rodney the Wonder Kid in charge of the shop...

 

SANDI

Well good

 

CHRISTIE

I have one question...

 

SANDI

What's that?

 

CHRISTIE

Well, in the argument you and Neill were having...did you say that we were in a relationship?

 

SANDI

I guess I kinda did.....freaked out?

 

CHRISTIE

No...oddly enough...

 

SANDI

Wow...so I can call you...

 

CHRISTIE

I guess you can...and I can too...I'm going to go now, but thanks...

 

SANDI

What for?

 

CHRISTIE

Reminding me why I am who I am...

 

SANDI

Okay...see you later...girlfriend...

 

CHRISTIE

Counting the seconds before we are united again...

 

SANDI

Wow, corny...

 

CHRISTIE

Thank you...it's my forte'

 

(Both laugh and Sandi hangs up)

 

(Christie goes back to watching TV)

 

(The phone rings)

 

CHRISTIE

Hello?

 

MOM

Hello

 

CHRISTIE

Hi Mom, how did you get this number?

 

MOM

It's the only motel within 5 miles, I made an educated guess...

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...

 

MOM

So, I've been talking to your father....

 

CHRISTIE

You know, I actually came here with hopes of a reconciliation...after talking to him...I don't even know why I came...

 

MOM

You know......I think he may come around...

 

CHRISTIE

What did you do?

 

MOM

Let's just say that I made him see the error of his ways...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, thanks, but I don't want an apology under threat...

 

MOM

You know, even though you're adopted, you've got his traits...you're both just so stubborn...

 

CHRISTIE

I guess we are...

 

MOM

I bet if you both give a little, without resorting to insulting each others lifestyles...you'd both like each other a lot more...

 

CHRISTIE

Maybe....I'm not even sure I want a reconciliation now...talking to him...he hasn't changed....

 

MOM

Well, you know where we are...

 

CHRISTIE

Sure...bye

 

(Christie hangs up the phone)

 

(Christie paces the room, before heading out the door)

 

END

 

-Where is Christie Going? What will become of the flirting between Jane and Neill? Will Daria find the answer she's looking for? What does 'Post Modern Girl' mean? Who is yo' Daddy? All these questions and more, answered in Part 2!-

 

(Authors Notes)

 

** Since I'm writing these from the hip, and before the first one has been released, I don't know why I comment here...**

 

*Questions? Comments? Pro-Abortion propaganda? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *