THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE 8
VULNERABLE
INTRODUCTIONS
(Christie starts a new
relationship while Neill catches Daria in a position of vulnerability)
Scene 1 (INT, Morning,
Christie's Dorm)
(A red dress is draped over a
chair in the corner, as early morning sunlight enters the room, and lovers wake
up)
CHRISTIE
Mmmmm....Sandi....you were great
SANDI
Thanks...you weren't too bad
yourself...
(Sandi is 5'10", with short
and spunky jet black hair, deep brown eyes, crimson lips, mischievous grin)
(They kiss)
CHRISTIE
Breakfast?
(They both get up)
SANDI
Yeah...got any OJ?
CHRISTIE
Yeah. You love OJ too?
SANDI
If it weren't for that stupid
rule about needing water to survive...I'd drink it all day.
CHRISTIE
Me too!
SANDI
Listen...can I borrow an outfit?
I need to get back to town and all I have is this red dress. If I go with that
on...my roommates will be asking questions...
CHRISTIE
Yeah sure...you know where the
closet is right?
SANDI
I was in it for 16 years...I
think I know where it is...
CHRISTIE
Cheap Joke...but coming out of
those lips...pure genius.
SANDI
Hey, I don't suppose I can
keep some of those photos you took can I?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...I suppose so...why?
SANDI
It'll get me through a long
day at work...
CHRISTIE
Awww....that's just sweet.
SANDI
Well...so are you.
CHRISTIE
I didn't make any sweet
remarks...
SANDI
Who ever said I was talking
about your remarks? (Raises eyebrow)
CHRISTIE
Damn...you're good.
SANDI
I know I am.
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I should ask you
some obligatory questions now...
SANDI
Shoot.
CHRISTIE
Number 1. Parents?
SANDI
Maggie and Herb McFerrin.
Housewife and Judge. Okay with me coming out. You?
CHRISTIE
Martha and Daniel Elliot. Housewife
and Drug Store attendant. One was okay with me coming out. The other one
wasn't.
SANDI
Damn...that's a shame...
CHRISTIE
Yeah... Number 2. Occupation?
SANDI
Tending Bar.
CHRISTIE
Assistant Manager Coffee
House. Student. Number 3. Favourite film?
SANDI
La Dolce Vita.
CHRISTIE
Number 4. Do you want to go
out again on Wednesday?
SANDI
I'd have to check my
schedule...but I definitely want to. As long as you bring those eyes with you.
CHRISTIE
I will if you bring those
lips.
(They kiss)
Scene II (INT, late morning, Daria and Neill's
Dorm)
(Daria picks up the phone and
dials)
JAKE
Hello?
DARIA
Hi Dad.
JAKE
Hey Kiddo!
DARIA
Uhh...yeah...is Quinn there?
JAKE
Quinn?
DARIA
Yes...you haven't gone deaf from
all the screaming have you?
JAKE
No....although I am having
trouble hearing the radio...maybe I should see a doctor...
DARIA
Our radio doesn't work dad.
JAKE
Right! I think she's
upstairs.....Quinn!
BACKGROUND
If its Skyler tell him I'm not
talking to him until he gets his car fixed...if its Charlie tell him that I'm
flattered, but I'm not really dating at the moment...ugh...what kind of name is
Charlie anyway?!
JAKE
It's Daria!
QUINN
Daria? (Picks up phone)...Daria?
DARIA
Yes...it's me...
QUINN
Wow....what's this about?
Finally ready for a makeover?
DARIA
In your sickest dreams...no...I
need some advice...
QUINN
Straight Hair....and blonde
streaks...
DARIA
What? No! Just listen will
you?
QUINN
Fine.
DARIA
Well, I figure you've had plenty
of experience with guys...
QUINN
Hey! What's that supposed to
mean?......I guess I see your point...
DARIA
Anyhow...I've got....a...uhh...crush
on one guy....so I call him...and he's not home...so he calls me back...and misses
me....so now the balls in my court again, I find that I'm having doubts...but then
I see this one guy who reminds me of this crush...and my passion is ignited
again...what do I do?
QUINN
Daria? Is that you?
DARIA
Shut up.
QUINN
Fine...I'll tell you what I told
Stacey when she had the same problem...she liked Skyler right? So she calls
him...and THEN...get this...
DARIA
Get to the point...or I'll be
forced to point out your pores...
QUINN
Fine...I find whenever you're in
that kind of situation...the best thing to do is nothing.
DARIA
Nothing?
QUINN
Yeah...if this crush feels the
same way...guys will always call you...even if you haven't returned their call yet...
DARIA
I suppose you'd know... but what
do I do about the guy who reminds me of the crush?
QUINN
Well, just try to avoid him...
DARIA
He's in my class...and I'm
tutoring him.
QUINN
A freshman needs tutoring?
Daria...he is so hitting on you!
DARIA
He is not!
QUINN
Whatever Daria! Just try to
avoid him...
DARIA
Well...I guess this has been
remotely helpful...oh...if you tell anybody about this...I'll tell them about the
copy of Kafka you have under the bed...
QUINN
You wouldn't!
DARIA
Don't tempt me
QUINN
Fine...I'll keep quiet about the
whole thing.
DARIA
Okay then.....bye
QUINN
Yeah...bye.
(Daria hangs up phone)
Scene III (INT,
(Neill walks up to the
counter)
CHRISTIE
Hey Neill
NEILL
G'Day
CHRISTIE
What are you doing here?
NEILL
Well I've got a
macro-economics class in 45 minutes...I need coffee....and I'm also here for the
pictures
CHRISTIE
(Hands Neill pictures) Here you
go. Do you have anything for me?
NEILL
Oh...yep. (Reaches into bag,
pulls out some photos)
CHRISTIE
(Examines photo's) Nice....you
really do have a thing for blondes don't you?
NEILL
Hey...allegedly blondes have
more fun. (Looks at photos) Choice! Nice pickup!
CHRISTIE
Yes...she is rather stunning
isn't she?
NEILL
I'll say! So...tell me all about
this....
CHRISTIE
Sandi
NEILL
Sandi
CHRISTIE
Well, what is there to tell? I
think this one has some potential. Smart...funny...likes Fellini, and dynamite in
the sack.
NEILL
Potential?
CHRISTIE
Yeah. I think she may be a
future girlfriend. We're going out again on Wednesday again.
NEILL
Wow...two dates...you're serious
about her aren't you?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...I guess so.
NEILL
Well good for you! I can't imagine
ever getting that deep myself. Scares the crap out of me.
CHRISTIE
It scares me too. But
sometimes you've just got to take a chance. You should know that.
NEILL
I guess you're right. Well,
I've got to go...but I must meet this Sandi
CHRISTIE
Okay...I'll try to hook it
up...I'll see you later.
(Neill leaves)
(Daria enters, ready for her
shift)
CHRISTIE
Hey Daira. Can I get you to
start on register?
DARIA
Sure... (Looks around)...quiet
today...
(Men enter with Audio/visual
equipment)
(Daria looks puzzled)
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah...RCR are transmitting
from here today.
DARIA
So...why are we working?
CHRISTIE
We're not. We just have to
look good.
(Daria looks puzzled)
CHRISTIE
It's a free wage for standing
around all day and serving coffee to the DJ's.
DARIA
Ahh....the timeless publicity
stunt... but where are the circus clowns and candy floss?
CHRISTIE
Out the back with the ponies
and the carnival rides. Don't worry...you're only on for 3 hours today aren't
you?
DARIA
I think so
CHRISTIE
Well, you'll only be here for
the Randy Goat's set.
DARIA
Oh Goody.
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria! Surrender
you're will to the DJ's! Resistance is futile!
DARIA
Well, aren't we in a good
mood?
CHRISTIE
Well, I am...
DARIA
(The penny drops) Oh.
CHRISTIE
Yeah. It feels so good to take
a chance and to have it pay off like this!
DARIA
Well...good for you...when do I
meet her?
(Christie looks over Daria's
shoulder to doorway, where Sandi is standing)
CHRISTIE
Sandi! What are you doing
here?
DARIA
Tell me more, tell me more,
did you get very far?
SANDI
Well, business was slow, so I
thought I'd come down and see you.
(They kiss)
(Daria looks uncomfortable)
SANDI
Who's the girl?
CHRISTIE
Daria
SANDI
Ah, she's the one I've been
hearing so much about! Nice to meet you Daria.
DARIA
Uhh...yeah...you too.
CHRISTIE
Daria's still a little
uncomfortable with the whole girl on girl action.
(When she mentions 'girl on
girl action' the AV guys prick up their ears)
SANDI
Well she's just going to have
to get used to it.
DARIA
I'm sorry...I come from a very
conservative town
SANDI
Ahh...Christie...are we still on
for Wednesday?
CHRISTIE
Well, nothing's changed since
the 4 hours you left my dorm, so yes.
SANDI
I'm sorry; I just get nervous
about these things...
CHRISTIE
That's sweet. Daria, can you
go and get some coffee for our guest?
DARIA
Sure...I guess so.
(Daria walks over to a machine
and turns it on)
CHRISTIE
Wait! Not that one!
(The machine explodes,
spraying Daria with espresso)
(Rushing over to Daria)
CHRISTIE
Are you okay?
DARIA
Yes. The machine wasn't warmed
up yet.
CHRISTIE
Wow...lucky. You could have had
third degree burns!
DARIA
Well I don't have any
burns...but I do have warm espresso all over me...do you mind if I go home and change?
My spare uniform is there.
CHRISTIE
Yeah...sure...it's not like were
doing anything.
SANDI
And it'll give us a chance to
be alone...
(Daria blushes)
SANDI
You're right...that is fun.
Scene IV (INT, Day, Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Neill's in the kitchen
wearing headphones blaring AC/DC)
(Daria enters the lounge)
(Neill doesn't know she
entered)
DARIA
(Smells herself, and repels) I
think a shower is in order...
(She goes into the bathroom)
(Neill enters lounge)
NEILL
Let's see...competition idea....competition
idea...what about trivia? No...people could just google it. I could always bring
some Vegemite and see how long they can last...no...that's way too cruel...I could
always do a guessing weight game...but what to weigh...what to weigh...I know! Me!
Now I know the scales are somewhere around here.....the bathroom!
(Neill enters the bathroom)
DARIA
Eeep!
NEILL
(Stunned)
uhh....umm....scales....me...headphones....good...
DARIA
Now would be a very good time
to get out!
NEILL
Oh...yeah...right...
(Neill leaves)
(Expression of sheer terror on
Daria's face)
(Expression of sheer terror on
Neill's face)
NEILL
Eeep? Who says 'eeep'?
Something tells me I'll be awake the whole day now...
Scene V (INT, Day,
Coffee House)
(Daria enters)
CHRISTIE
Hey...I'm sorry about the whole machine
thing...there should have been a note on it.
DARIA
That's okay... (Still shaken)
CHRISTIE
Are you okay?
DARIA
Ummm....sure...
CHRISTIE
I'll take that as a resounding
'no'
DARIA
Fine...Neill just saw me.....
CHRISTIE
You're his roommate...of course
he saw you...
DARIA
In the shower...
CHRISTIE
Oh.
DARIA
I should have just continued
to work whilst soaked. It would have been marginally less humiliating...
CHRISTIE
So...what happened?
DARIA
What do you mean what
happened?
CHRISTIE
Well...how did he take it?
DARIA
He stood there mumbling for
awhile...
CHRISTIE
Neill? Mumble? That would
indicate that he was shocked by the whole thing. That would mean he has some
modesty...that can't be right...
DARIA
I'm not looking forward to
going back there......hey....what happened to Sandi?
CHRISTIE
She had an appointment to go
to. You'd like her...she has taste.
DARIA
Is that some sort of
disgusting euphemism?
CHRISTIE
What? No....although it could
be...hmmm.....no. she's a big fan of Fellini and early cinema verite'.
DARIA
She sounds like the kind of
girl who'd go a see a movie with subtitles.......congratulations...
CHRISTIE
Well, thank you...speaking of
subtitles, did you know Neill spoke French?
DARIA
Ugh...I don't want to think
about Neill right now...
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah...that's right...he saw
you while you were vulnerable...sounds like you could use some coffee.
Scene VI (INT, Day,
Brad's Dorm)
BRAD
Dude...sounds like you could use
some coffee.
NEILL
Round.......Round.....
BRAD
You haven't been eating my muffins
have you...because they're 'special' muffins...
NEILL
What? No....she was standing
there....and I couldn't do anything...I just...froze....
BRAD
Dude...
NEILL
Exactly...I mean...whenever I see
a naked woman I'm the first to offer her a drink...but...I just froze...and now I'm
afraid that all the hard work I've done trying to get Daria to open up may just
go out of the window...
BRAD
Dude....
NEILL
What?
BRAD
What did she look like?
NEILL
It's not like I was taking
notes Brad...why do you want to know?
BRAD
No reason....
NEILL
I'm sure. I heard you're
lessons are going well...
BRAD
Yeah...she's really smart...
NEILL
Well that's good to hear...
(A man enters)
MAN
Hey boys. Just here to get my
keyboard (Thick British accent)
NEILL
Pom!
MAN
Ahh...a convict. Isn't there a cell
somewhere you should be rotting in?
NEILL
Isn't there a member of the
royal family you should be shagging?
MAN
You lost the World Cup!
NEILL
You lost the Empire!
MAN
We smashed you in the Ashes!
NEILL
We smashed you at the
Olympics!
MAN
Our Queen rules you!
NEILL
You lost to us at
soccer...soccer!...3-1!
(Neill and man exchange evil
glances before the man leaves)
BRAD
Dude....what was that all about?
NEILL
It's not something that can be
put into words...
BRAD
Okay then...I'll take your word
for it....dude...can I get you to do me a favour?
NEILL
Always willing to help out a
mate...what is it?
BRAD
Can you play this demo tape at
your show tonight?
(Hands Neill a demo tape)
NEILL
Can't hurt...by the way...we got some
pretty good feedback the last time we played some of your stuff...although some
people were confused as to the exact genre of music it was.
BRAD
How many times do I have to
tell people...? It's a hip hop/electronica/classical vibe.
NEILL
Thanks...I'll keep that in mind...
BRAD
Cool...I heard you're running a
competition today...
NEILL
Yeah...although I have no idea
what to offer as a prize...
BRAD
Maybe you should offer
yourself...you seem to be pretty lucky with the chicks...
NEILL
That's it!
BRAD
You're going to whore yourself
out?
NEILL
No. But I may just have an
answer to the strained relations between Daria and I...
BRAD
Dude....'strained relations'?
You're not in Macro-economics anymore....
NEILL
Sorry mate. I forgot about the
big words...
Scene VII (EXT, Late Afternoon,
Outside Raft Coffee House)
(In front of coffee house)
RANDY GOAT
Okay, that's my time up folks!
This has been the Randy Goat bringing you all the news, views and interviews
from around the campus....stay tuned...after the break...my man Neill Hayden will be
here bringing you the Alfie Langer Tribute Half Hour Show...until next time...keep
safe and God bless....
(Pushes button on console)
RANDY GOAT
Where the hell is Neill!
(Neill runs up)
NEILL
Am I late?
RANDY GOAT
No, not this time, but the
next time you pull a stunt like that I'll have your ass in a sling!
NEILL
Sorry Randy. I just had to
leave a note for my roomie...
RANDY
You're just lucky you're so
damn popular at the moment!
(Neill goes up on stage to
girlish cheers)
NEILL
Thank you! I hope I passed the
audition!
(Crowd laughs)
(Neill does a console check,
puts on headphones and goes on air)
NEILL
Hello to everyone out in radio
land! I'm broadcasting today from the Raft Coffee House...the premier place for
coffee! Believe me...they do a ripper macchiato...but I digress. Welcome to the
Alfie Langer Tribute Half Hour! Bringing you the finest in entertainment on the
Raft Campus! Now...I've been thinking a lot today about nudity...that's
right...nudity. Why are we so hung up on what we look like naked? It's a question
that has plagued me today...so I'll be opening up the phones to hear your
thoughts on the subject...but right now...I'm going to play some more Random
Pigeons...now the official word on this is that they are classified as hip hop/electronica/classical,
but I'll be damned if there isn't a little bit of dance hall in there too...
(Neill pushes console)
(Christie walks up with
coffee)
NEILL
Thanks Luv...legend...I need some
coffee...don't suppose you could Irish it up for me?
CHRISTIE
Sure...I think we have some
scotch in the back...getting over something?
NEILL
More like getting ready for
something...
CHRISTIE
Okay then...(Confused)...I heard
about your run in with Daria...
NEILL
It was awkward to say the
least...
CHRISTIE
Yeah...Daria said it was....
NEILL
I mean...it was bound to happen
eventually...
CHRISTIE
Of course...but she's still
freaked about it...I let her go home...let's just say she wasn't her usual focused
self.
NEILL
I know...but I have a plan to
redeem myself...
CHRISTIE
Curiouser and Curiouser...
Scene VIII (INT, Late
Afternoon, Daria's Dorm)
(Daria enters)
DARIA
Neill? Hello?
(No response)
DARIA
Thank god...
(The phone rings)
DARIA
(Pinches herself) No...still
alive...the universe hasn't collapsed in on itself...Quinn may have given me good
advice...
(Daria picks up phone)
DARIA
Hello?
MAN
Hey Daria.
DARIA
Tom?
TOM
Last time I checked.
DARIA
Tom? What the hell are you
doing on the phone?
TOM
Well you did say I could call
you some time...
DARIA
What? Yeah...sorry...just a bit
flustered today...
TOM
You? Flustered? Has the
universe collapsed in on itself while I wasn't looking?
DARIA
No...I checked...
TOM
So....how are you doing?
DARIA
Well, my roommates seen me
nude, my friend introduced me to her new girlfriend, I talked to Quinn about boys...so
pretty weird
TOM
I walked right into that
one...didn't I?
DARIA
(Smiles) Yes...you did...How's
Bromwell?
TOM
Oh...you know...pretentious people
rattling on about how many $50 bills it would take to start a bonfire...the
usual.
DARIA
Lucky I didn't go then...
TOM
Sure...
(Awkward silence)
DARIA
I just walked right into that
one didn't I?
TOM
(Laughs) I guess we're both
not very good at human interaction.
DARIA
I guess so...
TOM
I have a little ulterior
motive to this phone call...
(Daria looks apprehensive)
DARIA
You know we broke up right?
TOM
Yes Daria. It's not about
that...
DARIA
Well good
TOM
Because that would just be
awkward...
(They both chuckle)
TOM
No...I need somewhere to stay.
I'm coming to
DARIA
Umm...I don't know...I'd have to
check with Neill...
TOM
New Beau?
DARIA
Good God no. You don't know
how awkward that statement is...
TOM
I guess not
DARIA
Well....I guess you can stay for
a few days...we do have that spare bedroom...
TOM
Your dorm has bedrooms?
DARIA
It's a long story of
corruption and favouritism...
TOM
Isn't it always...anyhow...I've
got to go...Jane has my number so call me when this Neill says anything okay?
DARIA
Okay...bye...
(Daria hangs up phone, and
then turns on radio)
Scene IX (EXT, Dusk,
Outside Coffee House)
(Outside Raft Coffee House)
(Neill listening to a caller)
CALLER
You see, I am of the opinion
that we should all just go nude. If we all did it, then nobody would be ashamed
of our bodies...
NEILL
Ah yes...interesting point...but what
about the ugly people? Wouldn't they just feel worse?
CALLER
Hmm...I didn't think of it like
that...
NEILL
Thanks for your call. Okay.
We're running a competition here today on the Alfie Langer Tribute Half Hour,
it's a guessing game. You have to guess exactly how much I weigh...to the
nearest tenth. What's this got to do with nudity? Well, there isn't any
correlation, but the prize...it's an absolute corker folks.
(Cut to Daria)
RADIO
If you manage to guess my weight...I...Neill
Hayden...will go nude. That's right folks! I'll be wearing nothing but a cheeky
grin....so call now...get me nude! All I can say is that thank god it's not freezing today...
(Daria looking surprised)
(Cut back to Neill)
NEILL
So get dialling people!
(Neill pushes button on
console)
(Christie walks out)
CHRISTIE
Have you gone completely
insane?
NEILL
No...there is a method in the
madness...
(Christie gives an enquiring
look)
NEILL
Remember...I have a wisdom
that's just left of centre.
CHRISTIE
No...I think you've just gone
insane...wait...this is about Daria isn't it?
NEILL
You guessed it.
(Randy walks up)
RANDY
What the hell do you think
you're doing!?
NEILL
Increasing our listener base.
RANDY
We're going to be shut down
thanks to your shenanigans!
NEILL
I wouldn't count on it....let's just
say that reputation means a lot to the administration....and I have a few aces up
my sleeve...
RANDY
You better know what you're
doing Hayden!
NEILL
Don't worry...look at the crowd.
(All three look at crowd, to
see the vast majority on their cell phones)
Scene X (INT/EXT,
Dusk, Neill and Daria's dorm/CH)
(Daria gets up)
DARIA
Well...it's official. Neill's
gone insane.
(Daria goes into kitchen)
DARIA
I need chocolate...
(Daria notices a yellow piece
of paper on the fridge)
(She picks it up and reads it)
DARIA
(To herself) To Daria...I'm
sorry I barged in on you like that. Damn AC/DC. I know this is going to make
you feel more awkward than me...but I think in time we can resolve this issue
between us...trust me...P.S I weigh 201.7 pounds.
(Daria looks touched and then
walks to the phone, dials the radio station)
(Cut to Neill)
NEILL
No...I can you that I am not
202.3 pounds...good guess though...well people...it looks like my clothes will remain
on for today...but perhaps I spoke too soon. We have another caller....you're on
the air.
DARIA
I'd like to guess your weight
NEILL
(With a sheepish grin) Ahh...if
it isn't the lovely miss D...
DARIA
Darlene
NEILL
Darlene. Okay Darlene...put
these people out of their misery...how much do I weigh?
DARIA
201.7 Pounds
NEILL
That is incredible. Bang on
the money! (Crowd roars) Okay...to the victor go the spoils.
(Shot of mainly female crowd
getting out cameras)
(Neill takes off shirt)
CHRISTIE
(In BG) Yes...he's insane.
(Giant roar from crowd)
(Mid Shot of Neill behind
desk)
NEILL
Well people. That's all the
time we have time for here on the Alfie Langer Tribute Half Hour Show! I'd like
to thank the Raft Coffee House for their top notch coffee. I'd like to thank
the listeners for their input today. This is Neill Hayden...finishing the show
with nothing but a cheeky grin...signing off. Stay tuned for Mystic Clara's show.
(Christie walks up with picnic
rug)
CHRISTIE
Cold is it?
NEILL
Low Blow Christie...Low Blow
(Both laugh)
Scene XI (INT, Early
Evening, Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Neill enters with the picnic
rug on, Christie also with him)
NEILL
(To Daria) Am I forgiven?
DARIA
Yes...but for the love of God
put some pants on.
(Neill goes into his bedroom
to change)
CHRISTIE
So...forgiving Neill for violating
your privacy?
DARIA
Well, I did it to him before.
Besides...it was bound to happen eventually...I guess I knew that when I decided to
board with a male counterpart. I made that choice...and eventually, when you make
a choice...you have to deal with all of the ramifications...and new people in your
life...
CHRISTIE
We're not talking about Neill
anymore are we?
DARIA
Not as such...no.
CHRISTIE
Well thanks...it's nice to know
that you approve...
DARIA
If we start crying over
popcorn...slap me ok?
CHRISTIE
Okay
DARIA
Besides...now I have a
bargaining chip.
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
DARIA
I'm thinking of letting an old
friend stay here for a while...
CHRISTIE
Ahh...I knew there was an
ulterior motive to your forgiveness
DARIA
There always is.
END
-Will Trent call Daria again?
Will Neill be okay with plans to let Tom stay? Will Christie find happiness in
her new relationship? Exactly how big is the universe? These questions and more
answered next episode-
(Authors Notes)
**Thus ends episode 8. Don't
worry folks...the whole Trent/Brad situation will be resolved! More depth to
Christie coming soon**
*Questions? Comments? Blau? Ranting_klown@hormail.com *