Raven vs. Ms. Barch (Remastered)


Alexander Lamar Eldritch

SCENE ONE: Ms. Barchís class. Raven and Rebecca are sitting at a table next to Daria and Jane. Ms. Barch is teaching at the moment.

Ms. Barch: After the male praying mantis has mated with the female, the female eats the head of the male. If only I was a mantis. That would show him. Twenty-two thankless years would have been over like THAT! But no. Instead, I am stuck teaching several versions of him over and over again every... single... day!

Raven: (to Rebecca) Weíve gone to Hell, havenít we?

Rebecca: Oh yeah. (to Ms. Barch) Ms. Barch, why do you take out your anger over your ex-husband on all of the classes you teach?

Ms. Barch: I donít take out my anger on all of my students, Rebecca. Just the men!

Rebecca: And why is that?

Ms. Barch: Because all men are scum, just like he was! If I were you, Rebecca, I would get rid of your freak of a boyfriend before he turns on you.

Raven: Now wait a minute...

Ms. Barch: Shut the hell up, you MAN! Just because you look like one of us does not meant you are one of us.

Raven: I look like this because I choose to look like this! And besides, what makes you think I am going to turn against my friend? Not all men are like your ex-husband, especially me!

Ms. Barch: I... DONíT... CARE!!! You are a man, you were a man, and you will always be a man! And as long as you are a man, you will always be the scum of the earth, just like my ex-husband! He is worthless, all men are worthless, which means that you... are... WORTHLESS!!! And if you donít like it, too bad! Deal with it!

Raven: Fine (flips her off and leaves)!

SCENE TWO: Hallway. Daria, Jane, Raven, and Rebecca are at Dariaís locker.

Raven: Iím going to lay the smack down on her roody-poo, candy-ass!!!

Rebecca: Okay, now calm down, Raven.

Raven: I will NOT calm down! I want to kick Ms. Barchís goddamn ass right now, damn it!

Daria: Are you all right?

Raven: Oh, what do you think, Daria?! Do I look all right to you?!

Daria: Um, no?

Raven: You damn right!How dare she say that to me?!

Rebecca: Oh goodie.

Jane: He seems to be really upset, Rebecca.

Raven: You damn right Iím pissed off, Jane! What the HELL gives her the right to do that to me in front of the whole motherf...

Rebecca: Whoa! Dude, you need to calm down!

Jane: Listen, Raven. Ms. Barch has always been like this since that messy divorce she had a few years ago. Besides, she just passes the male students every year in the hopes that she never has to see another man again.

Daria: Looks like sheís still waiting for that day to come.

Raven: Okay, Jane, Iíll give you that much, but why oh why does she choose to hate every single man she sees or comes in contact with?

Jane: Well, I heard there is one man she doesnít hate.

Raven: Who?

SCENE THREE: Mr. OíNeillís classroom. Mr. OíNeill is grading homework as Raven enters the room.

Raven: Hi.

Mr. OíNeill: Oh, hi, um...

Raven: Itís Raven. The one who wears pants all of the time.

Mr. OíNeill: Oh, yeah. So, whatís up?

Raven: Well, I got something I need to ask you.

Mr. OíNeill: Go right ahead. Iím here to help you.

Raven: What do you think about Ms. Barch?

Mr. OíNeill: Well, I think that she just needs to be loved and appreciated.

Raven: And yet, she drives away anyone who would give her those things, and all because they were born men.

Mr. OíNeill: Well she hasnít driven me away. If anything, she actually wants to get closer to me.

Raven: Hmm. So, the rumors around school are true.

Mr. OíNeill: What rumors?

Raven: That you and Ms. Barch are an item.

Mr. OíNeill: Well, yeah, I guess so.

Raven: So, if she likes you, and youíre a man, why would she hate me, when Iím also a man?

Mr. OíNeill: Well, she still has some issues to work out. Just give her time.

Raven: If only I could, Mr. OíNeill.

Mr. OíNeill: Whatever do you mean?

Raven: Well, because she publicly embarrassed me today, her time to become a human again is now up. She said the wrong thing to me, and now she is going to pay in the worse way possible.

Mr. OíNeill: Youíre not going to kill her, are you?

Raven: If I did that, not only would I be in violation of several laws, I would be in violation of my only commandment: if it harm none, do what you will.

Mr. OíNeill: Oh.

Raven: Iím sorry, but I need to do this to her for her own good.

Rebecca: (peering in through the doorway) Raven, we should go now. Daria and Jane are already in the car waiting for us.

Raven: Okay. Here (tosses keys to Rebecca). You get to drive today.

Rebecca: You really are upset, arenít you? Well Iíll see you in a minute (leaves).

Raven: Well, thanks for the talk, Mr. OíNeill. I wish I could do the same with Ms. Barch. See ya around (leaves).

Mr. OíNeill: Take care (door closes). Donít do anything too drastic.

SCENE FOUR: Pizza shop. Daria, Jane, Raven, and Rebecca are sitting at Daria and Janeís usual table.

Daria: Still plotting to beat-up Ms. Barch.

Raven: Yeah, but in a less violent manner.

Rebecca: At least youíve calmed down.

Jane: What exactly do you plan to do?

Raven: Well, you know when she calls on a male student, only to tell them to shut up? Come tomorrow, that will all backfire on her.

Daria: How so?

Raven: Oh, donít worry. You shall soon see. Count on it!

SCENE FIVE: The next day. Ms. Barchís class.

Ms. Barch: The female primate is forced to raise the children on her own while the worthless male goes off to find another slut to mate with. Now, what other animals also act like this? (after no response) Okay, class, Iíll just pick out someone to answer the question. Raven? (Raven says nothing) Raven?! (still says nothing) Either you answer the question or you will spend some time after school!

Raven: (stands up and walks to the front of his table) Sorry, Ms. Barch, but why should I answer you when all you will do is tell me to shut up and call on a female student instead? You think you have the right to unfairly judge and treat all men as scum, and all because of what your ex-husband did to you for 22 years? Well, guess what? You are wrong!

Ms. Barch: Wh-What?

Raven: Thatís right. And not only that, you also are going to get a wish granted by me. You now have one less man to deal with! As far as you are concerned, Iím not here. Your hatred has driven me away forever! So, (turns his back to her) I want you to remember this, because this is all that you will ever see of me if you even so much as try to TALK to me! I can only hope, for your sake, that Mr. OíNeill can do what no other man has been allowed to do, and that is make you a HUMAN again. Take your ice queen games somewhere else, my dear. Theyíre not welcome here (bell rings and Raven leaves).

SCENE SIX: Parking lot. Raven and Rebecca are waiting on Daria and Jane.

Rebecca: Well, today was certainly interesting.

Raven: It had to be done. (Seeing Ms. Barch coming towards them) Oh god, what does she want from me now?

Ms. Barch: Hi Raven!

Raven: Yes?

Ms. Barch: Oh, come on!

Raven: If this is an act, please drop it because it really sucks, okay? And besides, havenít you abused me enough for one day?

Mr. Barch: Okay, it is an act, but I didnít come out here to abuse you.

Raven: Well, whatever it is you came out for, you better do it quickly, because when Daria and Jane show up in less than a minute, Iím out of here.

Ms. Barch: Look, Iím sorry for the way I acted towards you, and all men in general. I mustíve been a total jerk to you and all of my male students, havenít I?

Raven: You were, Iíll give you that.

Ms. Barch: And all of those things you said in class really got to me. I didnít think you had feelings in the first place.

Raven: Because Iím somehow a man? All men have feelings, Ms. Barch, even me.

Ms. Barch: I know that now. Itís just so hard to get over a divorce like mine, though.

Rebecca: They do have therapy for issues like that, you know.

Ms. Barch: I know, and Iím sorry for what I did. Can you forgive me (extends her hand to Raven)?

Raven: Ms. Barch, there in one thing I donít do when it comes to things like this, and itís shaking hands.

Ms. Barch: Well, what do you do?

Raven: This (goes up to Ms. Barch and hugs her). Just donít ever do that to any man or woman ever again, okay?

Ms. Barch: I wonít. I promise.

Rebecca: Thank you, Ms. Barch. You just did both sexes a favor that can never be repaid.

Ms. Barch: So, Iíll see you two in class, all right?

Raven: You will.

Rebecca: Sure.

Ms. Barch: Iíll see you guys around. Bye! (leaves)

SCENE SEVEN: The car. Raven is driving.

Jane: So, you and Ms. Barch have finally made up.

Daria: I guess that speech you gave did the trick.

Raven: Well, something had to be done.

Rebecca: Well, Iím just glad that itís over now (kisses Raven on the cheek).

Daria: Hey, you two! Get a room.

Raven: Well, actually, we were thinking about getting a bathtub, a hot tub, a bed.

Jane: Ooh-la-la! My, you two are certainly busy!

Rebecca: Oh, you bet we are (giggles mischievously)!

Raven: Oh yeah. (As Mills Lane) Letís get it on!

Daria: Well, donít get it on in here, okay? I want to be able to come home alive.

Jane: But letís get some pizza first.

Rebecca: Sure. A little food before making love is good.

Raven: So is this, my love (puts on Barry Whiteís "Canít Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe" in the stereo)

Daria: Iím not going to say anything else. This is too much.

Raven: Ah, but too much is never enough, my dear.

Daria: I thought Rebecca was your dear.

Rebecca: Oh, I am. Heís just having fun.

Jane: If only a certain somebody were as fun as you two are.

Daria: (Embarrassed) Shut up, Jane.

Rebecca: Ooh. Who is it, Daria?

Daria: Iím not saying.

Raven: Is it Janeís brother, Trent?

Daria: Who told you? Jane?

Jane: I had them come over one night.

Raven: And it was the best three-some we ever had!

Rebecca: You are such a liar, Raven!

Raven: Who cares? Letís rock!