Politics and Other Tricks
By Eric Noss

{Based on "The Restaurant At The End of The Universe" by Douglas Adams, or at least one chapter of it. The bit just before that was an actual high school memory of mine. So forgive the warped experiences of the writer... heheheh}


Scene 1:

[The start of Mr. O'Neil's class. Everyone is sitting down including some stranger in front of the room off to the side of the teacher's desk near the far corner. He is folded behind an ancient 1950's school desk. Everyone wonders who or why, but nobody bothers asking. But they are still talking.]

O'Neil: Ok class...um, class...time to start so...err...please stop talking...hello?

[The class stops talking just so he wouldn't look even more of a sad joke than he already looks.]

O'Neil: Now...

[Just as he opened his mouth, the PA system comes on.]

Ms. Li: (On intercom) Attention students, all sophomore class members are to report to the auditorium during the third period. I repeat, all sophomore class members are to report to the auditorium. We require full attendance for the nominations for the class presidency and other positions. That is all...

O'Neil: Umm...thank you. We will begin our study of the gothic horror genre for the next month. Now we won't go too deep with the grisly stuff with the blood and gore for fear of offending some of our more sensitive students...

Daria: (Whispering to Jane) Yeah right, he doesn't want to scare himself with hardcore stuff like Hansel and Gretel.

Jane: (Mumbling) Last year when he did this course, he wet his own pants while watching a movie he showed.

O'Neil: ...so in that respect we shall look more into the "dark" side of things. We will examine authors from Edgar Allan Poe to the current works of Steven King, whose movies we will be seeing although you are to ignore any differences between those and his books.

Brittany: (Quietly to Kevin) Did you hear that? We get to watch movies in the dark together while still in class.

Kevin: Yeah...think of all the money I can save without us having to cut class just to see a flick.

Brittany: (Whispering) Not out loud you idiot!

O'Neil: But before we go any further, let me introduce you to our new student teacher who will be with us for a few months. Please give your undivided attention to Mr. Horner.

[Mr. Horner stands up in front of the class. He is wearing a cheap looking tweed jacket and slacks trying to come off as academic which isn't impressing anybody. He also has black curly hair and large ears. To say he's odd looking is a gross understatement.]

Horner: Hello class, my name is Mr. Horner and I will be your student teacher for a few months. Please give me your undivided attention.

Daria: Wow, glad he told me that, I forgot the other teacher said.

Horner: I will expect you students to pay very close attention to me when I'm up here talking. Remember, I am the show.

Jane: The great Dumbo.

Horner: Since Mr. O'Neil has not taken role yet, I will do that right now. Let's see...I'm sure after a while I will get to know your names like Mr. O'Neil does.

Daria: I'm not going to say it...I'm not going to say it.

[He starts the role call and after a few students...]

Horner: If anybody 'is' here then please say "here". If not, then I will assume that you are 'not' here.

Jane: Now what person will say "not here" when they're not here?

Daria: They have to be a very good ventriloquist.

Jane: I'm not going to answer, I'll just raise my hand and see if he acknowledges me.

Daria: I bet he expects you to answer like a bootlicking suck up.

Jane: Think I should?

Daria: I dare you.

Jane: Well ok...

Horner: Umm, Jane Lane?

Jane: (Loud and excited) Heeere....SIR!!!

[The whole class bursts out laughing.]

O'Neil: Jane!?

Horner: Alright class, be quiet! Settle down now...guess I'll just check you off then. Right then...

[He goes through a couple more before coming to...]

Horner: Daria Morgen...Morgan...can't seem to read the rest of this, looks like a doctor's handwriting.

Daria: Dorffer.

Horner: Eh?

Daria: That's the last part.

Horner: Mogan-orndorf?

Daria: It's...Morgendorffer.(Slight disgust sigh)

Horner: Mor...

Daria: ...gen...

Horner: ...dorff...

Daria: ...er...

Horner: Mor...gen...dorff..er...

Kevin: (To himself) Bud...wis..."er"...

[He giggles quietly at his own joke while Brittany looks at him thinking what's with this guy today.]

Horner: I'm sure I'll get it later on. (Towards O'Neil, whispering) Wow, it really gets complicated taking role.

O'Neil: Tell me about it...

Scene 2:

[The class assembly...Jane and Daria are sitting together talking about the last class they just had.]

Jane: Man, did you see the size of those freaking ears? I bet if we stuck a TV cable up his nose, we can get Home Box.

Daria: The guy's a complete total putz. Anybody can tell he just puts on a big show only to cover the fact he absolutely doesn't know jack about anything.

Jane: So...everybody's going to torture the poor guy during the time he's here. And I intend to make the most out of it.

Daria: How long before you'll be able to put out his passion of teaching?

Jane: Few weeks. If he survives then he must be a total stone cold psycho. In other words, a real teacher.

Daria: A worthy successor of Mr. DeMartino then...

Jane: I know, better get cracking right away.

Daria: I still can't believe you did that thing during roll call.

Jane: Well, you were the one who dared me.

Daria: Didn't think you would "do" it.

Jane: I need a few challenges in my life.

Daria: So what's this pointless assembly for this time?

Jane: Student elections. They pick some poor sap to be class president and make a big hoopla over it. I say it's all overrated anyway.

Daria: And who will be running for president? That way I'll know who's face will be on a bunch of poorly drawn campaign posters that'll be plastered all over the place.

Jane: Our lucky contestants are Jodie and Brittany.

Daria: In that case, I'll vote for the third person.

Jane: What third person?

Daria: Goes by the name of "None Of The Above".

[Principal Li comes up the the podium and sitting not far from her are Jodie and Brittany.]

Li: Welcome fellow students to the sophomore class elections of Lawndale High. And now without any further introduction, which I won't bother with anyway, is the class advisor of the 10th grade...Mr. O'Neil.

[He walks up to the microphone.]

O'Neil: Hello students...today I would like to share with you the very basic foundations of a free thinking democratic society in which you are a part of. I wish to stress the utmost importance of everybody's participation of...

Daria: Dump this, I'll go wait it out in the bathroom.

Jane: Let's play a little art game I just made up. We take turns doodling something at random without telling each other what it is. And when we get bored with it, we try to figure out what we just drawn. Here you go first...

[Fifteen minutes later while O'Neil is still droning on...]

Jane: There, that should do it. Well isn't this something...

Daria: Let me see. How 'bout that? Somewhere in the squiggles I can see Mr.O'Neil. But he looks different, almost like a...

Daria/Jane: Cheesehead.

O'Neil: And to further reiterate the summarization of the summary...

Li: Thank you very much Mr. O'Neil. We will now use what 'little' time we have left to let the nominees speak. First we will hear from Jodie Landon and then from Brittany Taylor. Do please come forward ladies.

[Jodie gets up and address the audience.]

Jodie: Fellow students of Lawndale High, I have always tried my best to give you the best possible representation in the student council. As your class president, it is my intention to help give you a voice in making changes for the good.

Jane: Does "she" really believe what she's saying?

Daria: She's a politician, yeah?

Jane: Oh...

Jodie: There are two types of people in this world...one is like a toy car who has to be "pushed" by others in order to be motivated, and the other is like a radio controlled car is able to move under its own power.

Daria: Oh please, don't she know that that's been spoon fed to her. What about the one holding the control?

Jane: Got me...

[Upchuck is sitting a few rows behind them.]

Upchuck: Hey Jane, tell your friend to keep her yap shut. I'm trying to hear this.

Jane: Shut up Chuck! If you bother us again, I'll come back there and yank your freaking vocal cords out and play some guitar riffs on them.

Upchuck: (Annoyed) Hey...

[He sits back down and never bothers them again.]

Daria: (Whispering) Did you hear what you just said? "Shut...Upchuck"? That was good.

Jane: I'm surprised he hadn't called you a feisty fox or whatever. What got him spewing?

Daria: I'm on his hit list. Seems when he was really putting on the moves last week, I broke his male pride. Along with a few fingers as well...

Jane: Eeee..ow!

Jodie: So I ask that you would vote with your convictions and common sense for the right person to do the job. The class president election is not a beauty contest, but something that has not only have an impact on you, but 'you' have an impact on. I thank you ladies and gentlemen...

[The people applaud while she sits down.]

O'Neil: Thank you Ms. Landon...and now for our second candidate,

Ms. Brittany Taylor.

[Brittany comes up to the front with all the cheerleaders, football players and other sorts of "beautiful" people clapping for her.]

Brittany: Hello fellow...er...friends! I am so glad some of you have suggested that I run for class president. In fact, I like to think of it as a beauty contest...

Jodie: (Slaps hand on her face) Oh geeze...

Brittany: You need someone to look up to, someone who can best represent the high school...

Daria: What, one that's also a sheep farm?

Brittany: One of my qualifications is that I am a people person. I just 'love' to hang out with lots of people. What this class needs is a president who will go out into the people and be with the people. And what can be better than a president who is "popular" with the people?

Jane: My stomach's turing over...

Daria: Crap, my stomach is doing acrobatics without a freaking net.

Brittany: You have been saying that the school needs better athletic support?

Jane: No I hadn't...

Brittany: Well I for one agree!

Kevin: (To his friends) See, I told you she can look out for us.

[His friends all nod and grunt something like "Yeah"]

Brittany: If you need anything special done for you, then I say come to me....follow me and I will lead you into prosperity.

Daria: Or off a cliff with the rest of the lemmings.

Brittany: So when you vote, choose the best candidate will fits all the qualifications for the job...me! Thank you and good night.

Jane: Good night!? What the...

[When the students were applauding, Kevin stands up and goes...]

Kevin: YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! You the babe, babe! You the babe!!!!! WWWOoooooooooooo..........

[The other football players stand up and act up along with him. Mack is hiding his face in utter shame.]

Brittany: Ok, Kevin, you can stop now... I mean, really, settle down I'm finished. Stop being so embarassing!!!!!!!

Li: (Grabs the mic) Will the football team please sit down and shut up!!!!!! You are facing possible suspension!!

Daria: Well, I give this assembly two thumbs down.

Jane: I like to give it a Bronx cheer and a gesture, but I wouldn't want to get caught and have detention.


Scene 1:

[A couple of weeks later, the student elections are heating up. The candidates are getting out and convincing the sophomores to vote for them. The hallways are littered with handmade posters. Daria and Jane are staring a a huge posters with a large blow up of Brittany's photo. It says on the bottom...VOTE FOR THE BEST, ALONG WITH THE REST.]

Daria: Guess I better brush up on my New Speak.

Jane: "Big Mama is watching you."

[They walk down the hall when Brittany comes up to them.]

Brittany: Oh Dar...

Daria: I'll make my decision on voting day but until then it's confidential.

Brittany: Hey J...

Jane: Ditto, baby, ditto.

Brittany: All I ask if you just hear me out for a second.

Daria: You should know that I will be taking that literally...oh, time's up.

Brittany: You know that I am asking votes from all the "popular" people, but I'm not one to be exclusive to such a group. You see, I also want to reach out to that other group, you know the...ummm...

Jane: "Unpopular" people?

Brittany: Exactly! Please don't feel anyway alienated from all this, in fact you may very well be the whole key to my election.

Daria: What are you getting at?

Brittany: If I go out to the..."common" people myself then they'll just say, "I can't relate to her, so what can she do for me?"

Jane: I can see the logic behind it.

Brittany: But...if "you" were to endorse me, Daria, then that will send out a message.

Daria: I can just hear the message, "What the crap was she even thinking about?"

Brittany: As far as the un...I mean common people, you are the person they rally to. Honestly, I hear everyone say how you always stick up for the underdogs. And being an underdog yourself, I mean this in a good way, they all look up to you.

Daria: Great, now I have a cult following.

Jane: Try not to jump off any cliffs, eh?

Brittany: So here's the deal, you can swing me a few votes and when I get elected I can use my "popularity" as it were to swing things for you. You know, scratch your back and all that stuff. So what do you say?

Daria: That may all sound very interesting and well worth the thought...

Brittany: Yes?

Daria: But suppose I help endorse Jodie and she can help "swing" a few favors for me. Being how we share lunch together, we have a relationship if you will.

Jane: Not that it's anything too close, but it's a relationship never the less.

Brittany: Wait! I mean...your sister Quinn is helping me out.

Jane: She's a freshman, how in the world can she vote for you??

Brittany: She can't, but she can convince some "guys" in 10th grade to vote for me.

Daria: Oh boy, already we have a sex scandal.

Brittany: But it's all well considering how civic minded she is. The fact she's doing this while running for president for herself is quite amazing.

Jane: Quinn running for president of 9th grade!? I don't think so...

Daria: No, she's running for president of the Fashion Club. Every few months they see who has the best makeovers. This time she's going all out for it.

Jane: That serious, eh?

Daria: Spent most of her time in her room trying on all sorts of crap. Hey, can't complain about the peace and quiet.

Brittany: Please think over what I said, and join us on the bandwagon as it were. Oh look! Here comes Kevin now, I know he'll have some guys behind me.

Daria: Somebody has to ride the coat tails.

[Kevin joins the group.]

Brittany: So, how's the campaigning going?

Kevin: Umm...great! I've been getting a lot of votes the last hour.

Brittany: That's wonderful honey! Now tell Daria and Jane about all your friends who are voting for me.

Kevin: Votes?

Brittany: Yes Kevin...this "is" an election and you can't be a president if you don't get votes.

Kevin: Oh I know all that! That's why I've been getting some votes.

Brittany; Actually, you've been getting my votes.

Kevin: Ahh, well...

Jane: Something tells me Kevin has yet to mention something important.

Kevin: Yeah, but I'm trying to think how you'll take all of this.

Brittany: What are you trying to get at, Kevin?

Kevin: Well you see babe, it goes like this. All my buddies and I are talking about this. We were going to vote for you and all...

Brittany: Did you say "WERE" going to vote for me? You're not voting for Jodie are you??

Kevin: Of course not, no way! We got talking about the whole thing and one thing led to another and...boy, have I got the greatest news!

Daria: And what would that be?

Kevin: I'm running for the sophomore class president!!!

Brittany: WHAT!?!?!! You running for president!?!?!?!!?

Jane: Oh, this will be cute!

Kevin: All the guys want me to be president and I said, yeah sure.

Brittany: I'm running for president if you hadn't noticed!!!!! You're cutting into my territory here! Next thing I'll know, you'll want to be leader of the freaking cheerleading squad!!!!!!!

Daria: Now I'll never go to the games.

Kevin: So what's wrong with a little competition?

Brittany: I love to compete, but not with you cuz you're not a freaking Jeezabel!

Kevin: I can run for president if I want to, it's a free country!

Daria: Depends on how much you paid.

Jane: Wait a minute, weren't the candidates suppose to submit a form by a certain date to the school board in order to be nominated?

Brittany: Yeah, we fill out a form and give it to Mr. O'Neil who hands it to some high up people.

Jane: And that was weeks ago, so that means you can't even run for president, Kevin. You hadn't filled out anything have you?

Kevin: Oh that was then and this is now. They're going to give me a write in vote.

Daria: They can do that?

Jane: Hah!

Brittany: I can't believe how you back stabbed me like that! This whole thing is making me so upset that I'm getting a headache, that will last all night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brittany storms off in utter disbelief over what happened.]

Kevin: Well, time to hit the campaign trail...

Jane: Yeah, go take a hike.

Kevin: I even got a slogan, check this out..."Kev, Kev, he's our man! If he can't do it..." How does it go? If I can't do it...

Daria: Who can?

Scene 2:

[Outside on the grounds of Lawndale High, on a bright sunny day of course. Jodie, Jane, and Daria are lying on the grass, hands folded behind their heads, looking up at the clouds in the sky.]

Jodie: Things are looking very good right now. It'll be a couple of weeks before the elections. I feel like I'm floating up on air.

Jane: Hey keep it down, us cynics are trying to enjoy ourselves here.

Jodie: Aw, come on guys. There's nothing wrong with student politics, in fact you of all people should be happy about the fact you have far more say in matters than you would in actual politics.

Daria: Ok, so name one single thing the student government has ever done of utter significance?

Jodie: Well, um...some stuff.

Daria: Stuff? That looks good on a resume.

Jodie: We do a few fundraisers. Yeah, we do some fundraisers.

Daria: And what are the fundraisers for?

Jodie: Various things...

Daria: I mean if you're going to bother going out and get some money by selling some baked goods and trinkets, you ought to be able to have some sort of purpose for all of that.

Jodie: A purpose? It's for school spirit!

Jane: Is that anything like "Teen Spirit"?

Daria: Sure does a good job of covering up stinking odors.

Jodie: I mean it's for the school, we do all these things because we are all part of the school and the school is a part of us. Can't you understand what I'm trying to say here?

Jane: For the school?

Daria: You mean, as though you actually "enjoy" doing things for the school?

Jane: Can't be that, such a thing is very hard to comprehend.

Jodie: Oh why am I even explaining this to you guys...

Jane: Well why are you explaining it then?

Jodie: Because I happen to like being in such activities, ok!! I rather not have my academic life confined to just sitting in dull classrooms and doing homework. I want to be out there doing things. But I do not want to be involved in any athletic events , mostly from the horror stories Mack tells me. And I sure as heck will have nothing to do with mindless cheerleading and such.

Daria: We don't want have anything to do with that stuff either.

Jodie: Ah-ha! But you aren't in any extracurricular activities are you? At least with student council and possibly class president, I will be gaining far more experience than just sitting home watching TV. You can't say I'm missing a whole lot.

Jane: Yes we can, you're missing Sick Sad World.

Daria: It hardly matters a wit of difference to me what you do and how you spend your time. All I'm asking is what exactly does a class president do and if any of it is really important.

Jodie: Ok, consider this... If we are in a senior class and I happen to be elected, this is all hypothetical of course.

Daria: Yes, the whole thing is a made up fantasy. Do go on...

Jodie: Right, let's say I'm the senior class president. It would be my responsibility to be in charge of any high school reunions and keep track of people so I can send out invitations to them.

Daria: Then I say you better not have my address and phone number because I don't want to go to any of those things.

Jane: Me either, but can you imagine if we did go to one of those things Daria?

[Jane and Daria look at each other and exchange a hidden smirk.]

Jodie: My point is that high school government is not merely some time waster to give eager students some busy work.

Jane: Of course not! That's what homework is for.

Daria: So it's just as good as the US government is what you're saying?

Jodie: Yes!

[Jodie thinks for a second...]

Jodie: Oh ha ha...real funny.

Jane: Can't we just go back to staring off in space instead of wasting time on this political stuff.

Daria: That's what Congress seems to do mostly.

Jodie: Fine, whatever...

Jane: So...how's that idiot sister of your's doing Daria?

Daria: I don't even 'want' to talk about her right now. I'm not really in a Quinn mood right now. For now, I rather pretend she doesn't exist.

Jane: You feel that way every single day.

Daria: Got that right...

[Mack comes over to the group and his shadow falls over Jodie.]

Mack: Hey Jodie.

Jodie: Oh hey! We were suppose to get together and talk about our campaigning, aren't we.

Mack: Well...I'm afraid I got some rather bad news.

Jodie: Oh, what is it?

Mack: I had spoken to Mr. O'Neil and...you're not on the nomination list.

Jodie: What!?

Mack: I even seen the sheet they'll give out for voting, only Brittany's name is on there.

Jodie: This has got to be a mistake! I sent in the form on time, even before the deadline. They had to have received it!

Mack: O'Neil said he did get it from you, but afterwards it just got lost so Ms. Li hadn't received it.

[Jodie stands up fast.]

Jodie: They lost it!?!?! You mean I can't be elected president because some stupid little form got lost in a bunch of red tape!?

Mack: I'm afraid so...

Jodie: Well that's a slap in the face if I ever got one! After all the work I had put into this, and it counts for nothing!? All because of some freaking stupid pigheaded bureaucracy!?!?!?!?!?

Daria: Just like the real government.

Jodie: This is BULL!!!!!!!! The whole thing is a set up, it has to be a conspiracy of sorts!! For no freaking good reason, I've been screwed!!! This entire thing is nothing but a freaking huge load of crap!!!! I'm going to talk to O'Neil and Li about this, and if they don't like it then tough crap!!!!!!!!!

[Jodie storms off and in the process shoves Mack out of her way and he falls on the ground.]

Mack: Uuugghffff....

Jane: Wow...

Daria: She took it better than I thought she would.


Scene 1:

[The next day, Jodie and Mack are walking down the hallway.]

Jodie: Listen man, I'm sorry for shoving you like that.

Mack: Don't worry about it, I won't blame you for feeling upset about the whole thing.

Jodie: If I told you exactly how I 'still' feel about all of this...I would be forced to use the darkest and most vile obscenities that pops up in my mind.

Mack: Freaking stupid how you got a raw deal and all.

Jodie: The sheer stupidity of it really gets to me. But the worse part is that Brittany must be very happy to know that she's now the only person running for president. Don't be surprised if she gloats as well...

[Brittany comes over to Jodie.]

Brittany: Jodie, I'm so sorry that they made you drop out of the race like that. Part of me feels it's wrong how I ended without opposition this way.

Mack: And the other part must be "glad" about it?

Brittany: Well I'm only human, aren't I? But still...I know exactly how you feel.

Jodie: Did you hear that! "Knows exactly how I feel"!? This coming from Little Miss Hands-Down Winner!!!

Brittany: Umm, would it help if we talk about this.

Jodie: I don't even want to discuss this, in fact the phrase "Last person I want to see" pops to my mind right now.

Brittany: You know I have been thinking...

Mack: Don't strain yourself.

Brittany: With you still in student council and me as class president, we can now work together.

Jodie: Oh, I get it now...you want to use me to help sway the student council to your favor now.

Brittany: Yes, that's it! I'm so glad you understand. And what's better is that I like to ask you to be my advisor.

Jodie: What??

Brittany: I 'had' Kevin helped my with the campaigning, but that fathead turned his coat or whatever they call it.

Jodie: Why would you even need my help? You just about won the election.

Brittany: But I want the people to like me winning the election. Now we all know the school won't let Kevin win with the write in votes, but he's taking away my spotlight! But you...you have all the "brains" and I have all the "beauty". Now that's a heck of a team if I ever heard of one.

Mack: Have you asked anybody else to help you before?

Brittany: I asked Daria since she has far more brains but you know how she is...

Mack: No I don't.

Brittany: She wouldn't work well with my campaigning anyway because she is so...so...

Mack: Opinionated?

Brittany: Yeah, one of those moods.

Jodie: So as I understand it, you just want some free advice from me?

Brittany: Um, that would be nice of you.

Jodie: Well here's what I suggest...why don't you stick your head so far in between your legs, and kiss your own butt.

[Mack snickers.]

Brittany: Oh really!! Well guess what? Even if 'you' were still in the race, I would still win no matter what!

Jodie: Oh shove it...

Brittany: And I'll tell you exactly 'why' you would have lost anyway! Because you always tell people how they should think, but I only do what "they" want me to think. It's called charisma and I'll be the one leading them!!

Jodie: Well you can have that whole lot!

Brittany: In fact, I have the entire school right behind me!

[The entire football team come into the scene marching with signs right in front of Brittany's face. They all say "Vote for Kev" or something like that, in a cacaphonous chant.]

Brittany: What are you people doing!? Get those outta my face!!

Joey: We're having a big Kev rally.

Jamie: Yeah, he be the man!

Brittany: A rally!?!? I don't believe this...oh not you too Quinn!! I thought I told you to convince the sophomore guys to vote for me!?

Quinn: I did, but they convinced me to support Kevin.

Brittany: What the crap!? If I ever see that no good bum...

Joey: Hey, here he comes!!

[Kevin saunters in wearing a big goofy top hat and sucking on a "fake" cigar. He is trying to come off as showy, but goofy is more like.]

Kevin: Who be the man! Who be the man!!!

Jamie: You the man!!! You the BIG man!!!!!!

Kevin: You know something brothers, since I already conquered the Lawndale High football team with my speed and prowesses...I am going to take over the 10th grade and start running things like I said I would. And I won't stop there either. You see, by next year I will be running the student government as well.

Jodie: WHAT!?!!?!?

Kevin: So don't be surprised when they rename the school "Kev High"

Kev's Supporters: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Kevin: Hey Mack Daddy, my man!! Now, everybody here knows how we are best friends right?

Mack: We won't be any longer if you keep this Mack Daddy crap up.

Kevin: Anyway, how would YOU like to be my campaign manager. And if I win, which I will by the way, I'll even make you vice- president instead of some dweeb they picked for the part.

Jodie: Oh I don't believe a freaking word of any of this!

Mack: I can't...it just wouldn't be right.

Kevin: It ain't like you'll be doing anything since Jodie can't even run anymore.

Jodie: Now I'm so glad I'm out of this, you know why? Because the whole freaking thing has devolved into a stupid freak show circus!!! Well good riddance to bad rubbish!!

[Jodie storms off and Mack follows her wanting no further part of this.]

Kevin: Come my people, we shall go off and celebrate our good fortune...

Brittany: Now what just a freaking minute here! Jodie's right about this, you're screwing everything up with your stupid antics!!

Kevin: You see Brit, everybody's jumping on the Big Kev wagon. And you're just so far behind sucking on our dust. So how 'bout it babe? Why not just hop aboard the big yellow express. Even you can see the sign of the future.

Brittany: You want a sign!? You WANT a sign!?!!? I'll give you a freaking sign!!!!!

[Brittany takes one of the big signs and starts hitting Kevin over the head with it many times, squashing his hat and destroying his "cigar".]

Kevin: Ow,owww...OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

[The crowd gathers and cheers the chaos. Meanwhile not too far off, Jane and Daria are observing the whole affair from a much safer distance.]

Daria: Just add mud to sling each other with.

[Jane whistles circus music.]

Scene 2:

[It is now a couple of days away from the elections. Daria, Jane, and Andrea are sitting at a table discussing the day's events.]

Andrea: Yeah I have Horner in my fifth period class. The guy is an idiot. He's completely lost control over his class.

Jane: I know...everyone's been trying to sink the sub and I got a few shots in myself.

Daria: I'm sure he really loved your "extra credit" work.

Andrea: You did extra credit stuff Jane?

Daria: Oh sure...a short story about a subsistence teacher who's been driven insane by a student who really happens to be dead.

Jane: (Smiling) And you thought you're the one with the writing talent...

Andrea: Like when he plays those movies, there's just no supervision at all...especially when he's in the room.

Daria: What about O'Neil?

Andrea: Dunno. He kept going out every 5 minutes constantly.

Jane: Bathroom breaks.

Daria: The man is a pure moron as far as literature goes. In fact, I bet he doesn't know what he's even talking about in class.

Jane: Name one teacher who does?

Daria: He talks about Edgar Allen Poe being a drunk and a heavy drug user. That's the line all English teachers use.

Jane: You mean he's not?

Andrea: Naw...it's a stupid rumor started by a rival publisher. The guy can't even hold his drink to well. He ain't even as dark as Clive Barker, that's for sure.

Daria: I kept telling him that, but he keeps insisting otherwise. And you know what gets me? They even had a cut out article in the room which says that Poe may not have been an alcoholic. But does the learned professor bother to look at it? No, he doesn't.

Andrea: Well I never believe a freaking word these people say, especially some wet ear rookie teach who ends up working a crappy job where they only get freaking five bucks an hour.

Daria: What happens when there's no else to teach?

Jane: Teach them yourself, you know far more than they do.

Daria: I've come to expect such nonsense from high school, especially with this election.

Jane: So who will you vote for?

Daria: Who can I vote for!? Brittany is the only person able to run for president. Hardly sounds like a freaking democracy to me.

Andrea: It's all bull as far as I'm concerned.

Daria: Jodie is trying to convince the faculty that the whole thing has been a mistake but they won't even listen. The entire thing is so pathetic.

Jane: Sounds to me like you're in a political mood right now.

Daria: I might have voted for Jodie, at least I would have had another choice. But either way, she makes a good politician.

Andrea: I don't know man...she comes off as one of those people who are on both sides at once. She walks the thin edge between light and darkness. That sort of person would easily compromise their own believes in order to suck up to everybody, which is impossible to do I might add.

Daria: Like I said, she makes a good politician.

Jane: It would be interesting to know what ideology you subscribe to, Daria. You don't seem to come off as either left- wing or right-wing. Maybe you might be for those third parties who have a snowball's chance?

Andrea: Naw man...she's an independent who only votes for whoever she freaking wants to and doesn't go for any of those freaking idiot-ologies, ain't that right Daria?

Daria: I'll tell you who I won't be voting for...

[She looks at Brittany who is going around pestering people for their votes.]

Jane: Oh why does she freaking bother!? She's just about elected anyway. And look, the tackling dummy over there is also begging for votes.

Andrea: What a sad day for Lawndale High when you have Ken and Barbie...I mean, Kevin and Brittany running for a high office like that.

Daria: I'm not even going to fill that line since we all know Brittany is going to get it anyway.

Jane: Yeah, President Brittany...the freaking First Bimbo. Man that makes me sick.

Andrea: I don't know if I should salute her or freaking spit on her.

Daria: Imagine...parading around like that just to look good.

Jane: She's a cheerleader, prom queen, and even a twirler in junior high. So why wouldn't she try to add class president on her belt?

Daria: A twirler? What do they ever do?

Jane: You know...twirl things around. For football games.

Andrea: Sounds like she's a useless belch if you ask me.

Daria: And you know the thing of it is? She's going only to those who will want to have a say in things and not just everybody. I've been starting to notice that lately.

Andrea: That'll cost her the slacker vote.

Jane: Hey, why can't we have her work for us, eh? You guys think we can buy out her dignity?

Andrea: Sure...got three bucks on you?

Daria: For that price, she can do a speech and a cheer at the same time.


Scene 1:

[The high school hallways, after everybody's been let out. Daria is walking along with Mr. O'Neil discussing Jodie's dilemma.]

Daria: Surely, you can see what I'm trying to get at here.

O'Neil: I'm sorry Daria. I really want to help you and your friend out...but the whole thing is out of my hands.

Daria: Couldn't we just write her name in? She already applied for nomination which you plainly saw and spent all this time campaigning. Why not just say she's someone to vote for?

O'Neil: The school won't allow anyone to just "write" in whoever they want to. I kept telling Kevin that but he doesn't seem to get it, along with other things apparently.

Daria: Now this I find very strange...the school 'teaches' us about democracy and gives us these elections as a model. In the real world, you can write in anyone you want. So are you saying that the school doesn't practice what it preaches, if I may be blunt about it?

O'Neil: Well...uhhh...errr....I better get back to you on that one later.

[O'Neil goes around the corner to get to the teacher's lounge. It seems to Daria that he is taking the long route to the lounge.]

Daria: Nearly as bad as the freaking Poe debate I had this morning.

Jane: So you managed to talk any sense to O'Neil? Oh yeah, I already know the answer to that one...

Daria: Where did you come from???

Jane: From behind around the corner. What, didn't you hear me at all?

Daria: Hadn't noticed.

Jane: Maybe it's me, but this whole thing completely fishy from the start.

Daria: It's not you, it's all of us.

Jane: Say what?

Daria: The entire system. I may have a good idea how screwed up it is, but after talking to O'Neil I can't being to fathom how bad it really may be. Do you really believe anything these teachers tell you about how our society works?

Jane: Are you kidding!? Most of it's just bluffing to cover the fact that they don't even know what they're talking about.

Daria: Perhaps someone would have a better idea how it all works. Someone who not only knows it but doesn't believe a word of it either.

Jane: Ok...and who would that someone be?

Daria: I'm thinking our social studies teacher, Mr. DeMartino.

Jane: WHAT!?!? You're going to ask him about how the system works? That man is a complete wacko! He's a screwed up Vietnam vet who holds a hatred against all America stands for now.

Daria: Sounds like a perfect person to talk to about this.

Jane: I guess so...

Daria: We should go see him.

Jane: Aw man... I don't really feel like talking to a teacher after 3 o'clock. In fact I don't like being here after three, it's just not natural.

Daria: Got any plans?

Jane: Not really...(sighs) ok, let's go.

[They walk into DeMartino's room. He is behind his desk grading a large stack of papers.]

DeMartino: Well, well...a couple of students who are still here even though the BELL just rang. And what would I be able to do for you?

Daria: We like to ask you about a few things.

DeMartino: Sure...I can ALWAYS put aside some PAPERWORK which I still have to grade these PATHETIC excuses for ASSIGNMENTS which all have to be done for TOMORROW! Just have yourselves a seat for some CHIT CHAT!

[They sit down at the desks in front of his.]

Jane: We're concerned about this student election.

DeMartino: Is that so...forgive the sudden surprise that I seem be experiencing from a student who actually CARES about something as IMPORTANT as politics which is all MAKE-BELIEVE enough for their PUNY little minds!

Daria: We all want to vote, but we don't like the choices...mainly only the one choice we get and nothing more.

DeMartino: It's about Brittany isn't it? Apparently, they'll have a SHEEP leading the entire herd of OTHER SHEEP! If the whole thing wasn't so LAUGHABLE, I would feel ASHAMED to be part of BLOODY academics!!

Jane: We just want to know what makes this whole system of democracy tick.

DeMartino: If you had been paying ATTENTION in CLASS, then you would ALREADY KNOW that a DEMOCRACY is when the PEOPLE vote for a LEADER in a MAJORITY rule! I can't BELIEVE that a couple of SOPHOMORES do not know that ALREADY!!!

Daria: That's the '''BS''' we'll put down for the quiz when it come up. Now how does it "really" work?

DeMartino: Hehehe...my dear Ms. Morgendorffer, it seems you're not merely such a SMART A...alec as I thought you were to be. I will give you an "extra" lesson which is way beyond the COMPREHENSION of all the people including most of the TEACHERS who are just as BAD as the STUDENTS here!

Jane: Sounds good to me...let's stuff even more stuff in my brain which is just about to explode anyway.

DeMartino: In every society, the people always choose a leader who will lead the little group. Chiefs run the tribes for example. But as it is with human NATURE, the people always PICK the person is totally UNABLE to be an EFFICENT LEADER!

Daria: Ok...

DeMartino: Nobody...EVER elects a good leader, but a figurehead who just STANDS there and looks GOOD for no FREAKING REASON! So now we have people who always CHOOSES someone who should NEVER lead anything but a bunch of LEMMINGS off a CLIFF!!

Jane: It's starting to make some sense to me now.

DeMartino: SO...Ms. Lane, we now know that the PEOPLE always vote for the IDIOT who leads them PRANCING down the road to DESTRUCTION!! And these same SHEEP LEMMINGS complain when the guy doesn't do EXACTLY what they like. Such was the case when the Germans choose Hitler to lead their country in the 1940's...

Jane: Wait a minute! Hitler was a dictator, how could anyone "vote" for a dictatorship especially when they already had some form of a representative government?

DeMartino: Daria...we had studied this last week. Please explain to your FRIEND about why it's like it IS!

Daria: Anyone with charisma as well as leadership skills can convince people to just let them have the power. He convinces people that he, and he alone, can solve all the problems of the ailing society. So the people help him get the position of power and anyone who opposes his views gets beaten either verbally or physically as well.

DeMartino: Ah yes...the "Rider On Horseback". They WANT him in power but when he gets COMPLETELY out of CONTROL, everybody ends up saying, "Oh, we couldn't HELP IT!!!"

Daria: Apparently...

DeMartino: And not only do we see this in autocratic societies but even in a DEMOCRACY like the United FREAKING STATES!!!!

Jane: Now hold on...you're saying that the students would only elect Brittany because she best represents the collective thinking of the whole class!?

Daria: Oh, the Eagle has landed!

DeMartino: It's like that in ALL forms of GOVERNMENT! And I see this CRAP happen every FREAKING DAY!!!

Daria: But what does this have to do with Jodie being out of the race? There couldn't just be a conspiracy that 'happened' to lose her application in red tape, could there?

DeMartino: It wouldn't surprised me if there really WAS a conspiracy to hamper Ms. Landon's efforts.

Jane: Well that rots!!

Daria: It's as though the school system can rewrite the rules anytime it wants to.

DeMartino: (Mock surprise) No....

Daria: The entire educational system is a load of bunk with allthe crap they do to the minds of kids.

DeMartino: NO....

Daria: And I don't believe a freaking word they ever say.

DeMartino: No, not YOU!?!?

Jane: And I thought you were the sarcastic one, Daria.

Daria: I bet Jodie would just love to hear how Principal Li has it in for her now.

DeMartino: The American education system is a hierarchy, much like all forms of GOVERNMENT. We're all just PEONS, including Ms. Li. If we go up to the top of the DUNG HEAP, there we find a small select group of people who control EVERYTHING that's not only taught in SCHOOLS but how EVERYBODY acts and THINKS!!

Daria: Are you talking about the teacher's union?

DeMartino: Not even CLOSE!!!

Jane: Well who??

DeMartino: All I know is that there are six people who ride in six LIMOS that make up policies. And we have to follow ALL of them no matter what SCREWY they are!

Daria: There's more that you're not telling us. In fact, I've never seen you more royally cheesed off like you are right now.

DeMartino: Gee, you think that I don't actually LIKE this stuff!!

Jane: Well that would be my guess as well.

DeMartino: (sighs) Ok...I obviously let out more than what I wanted to. In fact, I'm going to tell you two a story that NEVER leaves this room. Understand?

Jane: Umm...sure.

DeMartino: I grew up in a time where I believed in EVERYTHING my country told me. And it wasn't even a lie. In fact, that's why I joined the military...to help defend all that I believed in. I was such an idealistic young man at the time. Until I went to 'Nam.

Daria: Vietnam War? That must have been very horrible for you.

DeMartino: Oh no, the war was fine. We all follow orders and did our jobs well, that was it. War was hell and we expected it. But near the end...

Jane: Yes?

DeMartino: We started getting orders which were becoming more and more blindingly STUPID! They made absolutely no FREAKING sense WHATSOEVER!!!! NOBODY knew what to make of it! Any WONDER why that was the ONLY American war we LOST!!! But just followed them anyway because we were soldiers. I hadn't fully understood it until I finished my tour of duty,

Daria: From what I recall, you guys didn't exactly get a hero's welcome.

DeMartino: OF COURSE WE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!! I came back to my COUNTRY but it was a different NATION than the one I FOUGHT FOR!!! From that point on, it was ALL downhill! NOT that before the war everything was so PERFECT but everything has gone the CRAPPER and still DOES TODAY!!!!!

Daria: And this has to do with school, because...

DeMartino: After I became a teacher, which I might ADD that no one ELSE wanted a TOUGH FIGHTER to WORK for them, I see the SAME RUINATION in the public school system. We pass these IDIOTS from the classrooms like a HERD OF COWS and they go out into the WORLD being even more STUPIDER than the PEOPLE who MADE THE STUPID!!!!! And would you like to know WHY it IS!?!?!

Daria: Isn't there a saying that curiosity kills the cat?

DeMartino: There...is a dark hidden story going around in the deepest circles that there is one man who makes ALL the decisions for the entire system and society as well. In fact, I nearly met the person.

Jane: You're saying that there's a single guy running the whole show and you almost talked to him!?!?

DeMartino: He only goes by the name of "The Professor". I even KNOW where he lives. Right up in the mountains 50 miles northwest of here. A little shack 10 miles north of a HICK town called Higgensville on some CRAPPY dirt road. I was just inches from the door.

Daria: Well what stopped you then?

DeMartino: I don't know...it's as though something inside of me gave me a horrible scare, even more TERRIBLE than ANYTHING I went through in VIETNAM!! Think of it!!! I KNOW that there's ONE MAN single handedly CONTROLLING SOCIETY! Do you know what that DOES to a PERSON whose nerves are ALREADY SHOT!!!!!

Jane: So there's one guy running society, how bad could it be?

DeMartino: Take a GOOD look around you Jane... Does it LOOK like society is in GOOD HANDS!?!?!!?

Jane: (Muttering) Not really...

DeMartino: So my advice is just to DROP the whole thing and PRETEND it NEVER happened! Let your friend stay out of BULLCRAP school politics, she can only be the better if she did.

Daria: Umm...we better get going here. Thanks for your time sir. (Whispering to Jane) Let's get outta here...

DeMartino: And remember...NOTHING we SAID ever LEAVES!!!!!!!

Jane: I don't think anyone would believe us with we even tell them. So it's not worth the bother.

DeMartino: Good...hehehehe.

Daria: What's so funny?

DeMartino: It's very rare that I can find some SIXTEEN year olds you can actually THINK FOR THEMSELVES!! There is hope for the future after all...

[Daria and Jane leave the room briskly without saying a word.]

Scene 2:

[Outside of the school, a few minutes later...]

Jane: And I still can't believe a single word of it, I mean come on... The idea of one person controlling the entire education system?? That's really farfetched.

Daria: I wouldn't be surprised if it 'was' true. Brings to mind the one Living Colour song, "Anything's possible, but nothing is real."

Jane: Really... Even you can't imagine the slight possibility of such a concept.

Daria: I'll admit it, that goes way beyond my scope of any cynicism and general distrust.

Jane: Next time, never stay after school for 'anything' after the three o'clock bell.

Daria: Wanna head for some pizza?

Jane: Yeah, Sick Sad World's been preempted by some silly crap. Forgot what it is though.

Daria: Afterwards I'm heading home, have to do some project by tomorrow for O'Neil and Horner.

[Jane appears lost in thought...]

Jane: Wow...look at the sky. I didn't realize how dreadful it was today.

Daria: Kind of forbidden, like you know something terrible is going to happen.

Jane: Like foreshadowing?

Daria: Exactly.

Jane: Kinda silly how the author would just practically give the ending away spoiling most of the suspense.

Daria: Whatever turns them on I guess.

Jane: Hey look, it's Mr.Horner. Wanna have some fun?

Daria: I still have to speak to O'Neil about this whole thing...and get that sneaky grin off your face!

[They go over to Horner.]

Daria: Excuse me Mr. Horner.

Horner: Ah, girls! How are you? Let me get your names...

Daria: I'm Lucy and this is Ethel.

Horner: Anything I can do for you Lucy? I have...wait a minute!

Jane: Hehehe!

Horner: You're that sarcastic girl in class, Daria, I believe. (Looks at Jane) And you I know...

Jane: I hope you enjoyed my short story sir.

Horner: Yes...quite a fine example of the genre we are currently discussing. Although I would appreciated it more if you hadn't named any names...especially mine!

Daria: You know where Mr. O'Neil is by any chance? I need to talk to him.

Horner: He's about to leave with everybody else. I'm still waiting for the taxi cab to come. My car is still holed up at a repair shop somewhere.

Daria: I was hoping to talk to him some more about the election...

Horner: Yeah, it's really unfair what happened to Jodie. I wished they 'would' allow Jodie to have a proper write in vote. You know, something like that happened to me once.

Jane: Really? You mean nobody wanted you either?

Horner: I mean not being about to run for class president. In fact, I was a student here in Lawndale a few years ago. Now I bet you two are asking yourselves, "Why would this guy want to return to this trash heap of a school after he graduated from here?"

Daria: That would be a good place to start.

Horner: I was an eager and bright student once. Always raised my hand, answered all the questions, and get notebooks thrown at me by the other kids when I remind the teacher about the test we were supposed to take when he forgets about it.

Jane: Charmed life you had.

Horner: And I always ran for class president. Not once had I even won anything. There was a time when I hadn't gotten a single vote.

Daria: Gee...I wonder why?

Horner: Normally, it would have been a very hard blow to my self-esteem. But you know what the weird thing was? I was the only person running because no one else wanted to. And I was sure to win because I voted for myself. But they counted zero votes.

[Horner pauses for a moment as though he is in very deep thought.]

Horner: To this day, I still not sure why... When I was in college learning to be a teacher, I started finding things about the education system. Odd things, the sort of stuff you wouldn't believe. Everything...especially that myth about the "Professor" making policies for the schools to use as mandates.

Daria: Did you say...the Professor??

Horner: Oh yes, from what little I know he seems to be around this part of the state. And I guess that's why I choose to do my student teaching at Lawndale since I know the place.

Jane: Say Daria, we better get to that pizza place before it 'closes' early...

Horner: Hold on...how do you know about the Professor, Daria?

Daria: Well...I'm not sure what you mean.

Horner: The way said did you say, the Professor. By the inflection of your tone you sounded like you know about it. It wasn't the usual monotone voice I hear you use in class. Yes... you 'do' know about the Professor, don't you? I can see it in your eyes!

Jane: Guess he saw through right through your glasses.

Daria: You're such a freaking comedienne.

Horner: (Excited) Tell me what you know about the guy. I've been trying to find out if he's real or not!

Daria: Nothing that you hadn't already heard I suppose. That he is behind the scenes in running the schools and lives up in the Northwest mountains...

Horner: I didn't even know he's in the Northwest region! Please, you must tell me where he lives.

Daria: I was told in the strictest confidence...

Horner: Nobody needs to know about this whole thing. In fact, we all can go see the Professor right now!

Daria: I dunno...have to get back home and do that paper for English.

Horner: Whatever it is, I'll leave a message on his machine about it. It's no problem. And you can tell your parents that you are working on an extra credit project with your friend for my class. I'll even give you the credit just for riding in the cab with me.

Daria: But still...

Horner: What will it take? Ok...I'll mention to the class about what you had told me about Edgar Allen Poe. Such a possibility should be made aware by the students even if it isn't in the teacher's notebook. Broad-minded education is what we can call it.

Daria: I guess we could.

Jane: Oh swell. And when we get back late at night, we can still order a pizza to be delivered...


Scene 1:

[Somewhere up in the mountains, on rinky dinky dirt road. A squat yellow cab trudges through the mud and stops at a odd looking shack that seems to be made of metal roofing. The occupants of the cab had been traveling for nearly five hours, having to stop off for a quick meal at a gas station. Two girls are getting out of the taxi. Daria has the hood of her jacket put up over her head because of the rough pouring rain. Jane has an old magazine that someone left in the cab over her head and a bottle of root beer in her other hand. The rain is coming down so hard, they can barely hear each other talk.]

Jane: You sure this is where the Professor is supposed to be??

Daria: As far as what DeMartino said! That has to be the shack over there!

Horner: That has to be the place, I can feel it in my bones. Say driver, you think you can wait here for a bit. This may take some time, how long I cannot say.

Driver: Hey buddy, I hope you ain't planning to stiff me here. You darn well ran up the fare. You gonna pay for it soon?

Horner: No problem, I'll use my credit card. I noticed you started to have those credit machines in your taxis.

Driver: How 'bout you give me your card until you get back. That way I'll know you won't run off costing me my fare.

Horner: Fine...

[Horner gives him the gold credit card and gets out of the cab.]

Horner: Come on girls, we are about to make history. No one has ever been in contact with the Professor save for six people who come in their own LIMOS.

Daria: I have a very bad feeling about all of this.

Jane: You always have a bad feeling about things, but I'm starting to have one as well.

Horner: You'll be fine, I'll do all the talking.

[They go up to the faded door that is made out of very strong wood and feels as though it has a deadbolt lock. Horner knocks on it real hard.]

Horner: Hmm...no answer.

Jane: Well...nobody's home, we can go know.

[Horner ignores her and rattles on the metal wall. The door clicks and opens up. An old man who looks like a hermit who has lost all contact with civilization since Woodstock, which may as well be since he even dresses like a hippie, looks at them.]

Man: Erm...yes??

Horner: Pardon me sir, we hate to intrude but...

Jane: We're looking for some guy called the Professor who lives in a metal shack. Would you be him?

Professor: Well, I suppose so...if I would be the guy you say I am. Are you all wet?

Daria: Doesn't it look as though we were wet?

Professor: If you were to ask me, I would prefer warm and dry. I assume you may like the same thing...but that may just as well be my thinking. How you would like things I cannot be completely sure.

Jane: Let's pretend that we 'do' like to come inside so we won't catch a cold.

Professor: Well...I better let you in, shouldn't I?

[They go inside the shack. It is a little place that seems to provide some basic comforts, especially in this type of weather. The rain drops are rattling the tin roof which drowns out any silence there would be. There is a ratty looking easy chair which came from a dumpster, an old kitchen chair with the paint peeling, a worn out mattress, and an old toilet that's on cinder blocks. There is a table with various books and magazines as well as a few crossword puzzles.]

Horner: Mind if we may sit for a moment?

Professor: If you wish, it would hardly effect me of such actions you may wish to take upon yourselves as they have no such consequences for me.

Jane: Well we'll just sit down anyway.

[The Professor sits in his recliner, Horner in the rickety chair, Jane on the mattress, and Daria just looks distrustfully at the commode in the corner.]

Daria: Hey look...the throne of power.

[She decides to stand.]

Horner: Now I have a few questions to ask...are 'you' really the person who makes all the decisions concerning the policies of the American school system?

Professor: Well...I try not to, but if you say I am.

Horner: Ok...and how long have you been doing this?

Professor: I cannot truly say as I cannot trust the perceptions that my mind has conjured up.

Horner: I'm afraid I don't quite understand...

Professor: Well the brain I believe is made up of certain chemicals and electricity that arranged in a certain way makes up our thoughts. What ever any of the illusions have actually accrued or not is irrelevant as they cannot be proven with the substance of reality. That is if there really is a tangible thing which we simply call "reality".

Horner: Say, do you always talk like this when people ask you simple questions!?

Professor: I only say whatever occurs to me to say when I imagine that people are talking to me. I could not add anything more to that effect.

Jane: Hahahahaha!!!! Good one Professor! Tell it like it is, man.

[Jane gives the Professor a bottle of root beer she had in her other jacket pocket, which he gladly took from her.]

Daria: What a minute? Are you trying to say that 'anything' you perceive such as other people talking to you are nothing more but something you just imagine??

Professor: I do believe you have put it in such a well manner that you would be the ideal representation of such thoughts of mine. Hence you are what my mind would consider to be rational thinking.

Daria: Oh this is nice...

Horner: But you make policies concerning the public educational system, what about the six people who come in their LIMOS?

Professor: I often would conjure up the six people in black shiny cars who would come and ask me questions and I just answer whatever comes to my mind. But you had appeared to be three people who came in a yellow car. Maybe you are the six people, but who am I to say on such matters?

Horner: But haven't you realized yet that anything you had told them has consequences on millions of young people? What you say affects not only the schools, but the entire society as well. Many people are taught what to think and believe on your word alone.

Professor: How could I take responsibility for my actions when I do not even know all those people, if they actually exist?

Horner: Don't you know there's an entire world outside of this little shack you holed yourself in!?

Professor: Have 'you' met all of them? You say they exist and yet not have witness the existence of them. Who's to say that they are also a figment of your imagination that you made up simply out of blind faith.

Horner: Is this your way of not facing up to things, by denying them!?

Professor: I can neither deny nor confirm anything which I experienced. What you refer to as "reality" is simply whatever interpretations we make of our perceptions. All things we perceive is basically relative.

Horner: Ok, so what you are trying to say that our own way of looking at what is the absolute truth is based on our own biases and prejudices. But that still doesn't deny that there really is the absolute truth out there and you're simply not owing up to it!

Professor: But who's to say that this "truth" isn't something we just conjure up for our subconscious insecurities.

Horner: Good grief! How long have you been revising the books with this stuff!!

Professor: The past is merely the fiction our subconscious creates to account for which our thoughts cannot account for. I imagine there were other people who had "consulted" if you will on such matters and they taught other learned scholars of it. But they just as well be just facades of my state of mind that I give mental images to.

Horner: Ok, fine...if that's what you wish to believe...

Professor: What I believe is irrelevant to what I reason.

Horner: We already established that! Just tell me exactly what the six people talk to you about?

Professor: Oh...various things I suppose. Some time ago I imagined they wanted to ask me if they should only allow the so- called "beautiful people" to be used as figure heads to follow the instructions of the ones who are in charge. In fact, they wanted to start with some place called Lawndale...

Daria: WHAT!?!?!?

Professor: Something about teaching kids that "Truth is Beauty" and "Beauty is Truth", so I said it hardly matters in the long run what they do. They might have just run with it anyway.

Daria: You know, I need to get some air...

[She leaves the shack and heads back to the cab.]

Horner: This is utter madness!!! All the recent teachings of philosophy, thinking, and social actions are based on you not being sure of anything!!!!! It's all wrong!!

Jane: I better go check on my friend.

[Jane also walks out the door but Horner hasn't noticed anything as he is engrossed with arguing reason with the Professor. We see Jane getting in the taxi.]

Jane: Well I say our society is in good hands, ya?

Daria: I think we should just go home. It's getting too late and I still have to work on my assignments.

Jane: What do you care? Horner already spoke to O'Neil and gave you the credit. And he can't take that away from you, now can he.

Daria: Hey driver, let's go back to Lawndale.

Driver: What about your buddy, he still has yet to pay me.

Jane: So? You got his credit card. We'll give it back to him when we see him.

Driver: Oh why not... By the time we get back, my shift is over.

[Back in the shack, where the rattling rain covers up the sound of a car starting up and driving off...]

Horner: What do you mean you don't really know what's right and what's wrong!? You still have to take some responsibility for what you are doing, but instead you're copping out!

Professor: But I don't even know how my actions could possibly affect all these people that you keep mentioning. You sound as though I bring some sort of harm to them. Heaven knows I am not a cruel person...

Horner: AHA!!! You said "Heaven"! That means there must be at least something you would believe in that is not tangible. It all contradicts your agnostic type attitude you have towards...well everything!

Professor: I call my cat...Heaven. She is quite a nice cat and likes to play about.

Horner: You have a cat? I don't see any, she must have ran at the door or something. But still...your cat is a tangible thing.

Professor: My cat is simply an extension of the love and tenderness of my nature. If I do not imagine myself taking care of it, then it wastes away in my mind which would be a terrible thought to me. It's all in how you perceive things.

Horner: Oh not that again...

Professor: I really enjoy our engaging conversation. You are truly a part of my psyche that I have never experienced before. But I am tired out from all of this. Please, I must get my rest.

Horner: Oh very well, come on...what a minute! Where are they!?

Professor: Where are who?

Horner: Daria...Jane...the two girls who came in with me!!

Professor: I don't imagined that they had been here at all for all I know. The past is a fiction which...

Horner: Oh put a freaking sock in it!!!!!!!!!

Professor: Maybe they are playing with my kitty cat and singing songs to it.


[Horner runs outside and sees the taxi at the bottom of the mountain pulling away.]

Horner: NNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[He goes back to the shack, but the door is locked. The Professor is on his old recliner playing with the crossword puzzles that he already completed and listens to music on the Victorola in the corner. The pattering water drops on the roof nearly cover up the noise of someone banging on the metal walls, which the Professor ignores since he had completely forgotten about the conversation he had. It may as well been a complete figment of his imagination as far as he might have been concerned.]

Scene 2:

[The next day at the school cafeteria...]

Jane: No matter how many times I look at it, nothing we saw makes any sense at all. Have we just witness a hermit who does not believe the entire world, along with everybody including himself, even exists...and yet he makes all the important policies for not only the American public school system...but everything else as well!!!

Daria: Last night was a complete philosophical nightmare.

Jane: It goes way beyond utter nonsense! I'm talking about complete and absolute illogic that is so brilliantly stupid!!

Daria: Hey, I just live in this world. I don't make it up as I go along.

Jane: Crap!! Who needs fantasy when reality is totally bizarre by itself?

Daria: I always knew the world was screwed up, but actually having it "confirmed" is the scary part.

Jane: Ok...so now we know the "truth" if you can even call it that. What do we do?

Daria: I dunno...don't think anything can be done.

Jane: Oh this is rich, this is so freaking rich...

Daria: Maybe nothing should be done.

Jane: Well here's an idea...let's just to a nice party with lots of loud music and drinks, and just plain forget the whole thing ever happened.

Daria: You mean last night?

Jane: I mean life entirely!

Daria: You're really over reacting over all of this...

Jane: Oh "I'm" over reacting? The whole world is secretly run by one person who's a freaking clueless putz!! I can't just be a moody cynic any more, now everything's hopeless...

Daria: You know what we are...you really know 'what' we are?

Jane: No, what?

Daria: We're the "outsiders", not part of anything but standing outside looking in. We see the world for what it really is. Last night was just a further glimpse into it.

Jane: Fine, so we're outsiders. That I can cope with. But you really want to sit by and let this crap go on knowing what you know?

Daria: No, I wouldn't...

Jane: Well you see what I'm getting at!!

Daria: I still don't know what to tell Jodie about this "beautiful people" thing.

Jane: Think fast kid, cuz here she comes...

[Jodie sits with the two with a long face.]

Jodie: Hey guys...

Daria/Jane: Hey...

Jodie: This morning I woke up and the first thing that floated across my mind was "Don't go chasing waterfalls". I played that entire song in my head. Well, guess I wasn't mean to be class president anyway.

Daria: At least you're still in the student council.

Jodie: Oh that... Who the heck even cares except for those in it? Maybe I'm wasting time with that as well...

Jane: I think I like you better as the go-happy schumck.

Jodie: You guys are right about student government. What can we really do in student council, even?

Daria:(quietly) A crap lot more than being freaking president...

Jodie: What was that??

Daria: Look...you would have hated being the class president anyway. All it really is, is some cheesehead who absolutely doesn't do anything but...

Jane: Look pretty, or even beautiful.

Jodie: Well how the crap am I suppose to do anything useful for the students if all we have to go on is some freaking bullheaded bureaucracy!?

Jane: Umm...go behind the scenes?

Jodie: Eh?

Daria: Yeah...instead of trying to run the show on stage, you do all the work behind the curtain pulling some strings.

Jodie: Wait a minute...you mean secretly play Brittany like a puppet in order to get things done because she's getting the one everybody looks at which draws attention away from those who actually makes the suggestions??

Jane: Wow, that really sounds good!

Daria: The bottom line is you may as well go "incognito" in order to keep from getting screwed by those who are already under cover.

Jodie: Yeah...I really like it!! In fact, Brittany has already asked me to help "advise" her. I believe she may have came to you about it, Daria, but I guess you turned her down. Not that I would blame you...

Daria: Shucks...and to think I missed out on a good opportunity.

Jodie: Thanks a whole lot for this, my day is really starting to get better! And this time I'll be the one who calls the bluffs, making sure people get their fair chance. As a matter of fact, I even got a few suggestions for Brittany already. I'm not done with that bimbo yet!

[Jodie walks away with a wicked grin on her face.]

Jane: I think we may have inadvertently unleashed a maniac on the entire school.

Daria: If any school deserves to have a maniac after it, it's this one.

Jane: Hmmm...speaking of which, I wonder if we'll hear from Mr. Horner again?

Daria: Can't wait to confirm your kill, can you?

Jane: Well, most of them end up working low paying jobs at a mall behind a counter of a fast food joint and mopping floors when they ain't slopping greasy burgers. In other words, they are much happier than they were in school.

Daria: But not everybody got left behind in the mountains and end up spending the night with the Professor trying to entertain him with happy tales about the outside world.

Jane: Think he'll "really" be the same again?

Daria: Quoth the raven..."nevermore."