OUTCAST CASTAWAYS

by

Robert Nowall

 

 

 

ONE SENTENCE SUMMARY: What if the gang from "Daria" were stranded on "Gilliganís Island"?

ALTERNATE ONE-SENTENCE SUMMARY: As the castaways from Lawndale High grow more and more pissed off with each other, Daria starts to worry...

 

 

 

 

SCENE 1: A CLEARING.

(The setting is a clearing in some tropical jungle. Thereís a table. Daria, wearing her usual outfit, is sitting at the table. Sheís writing something in a notebook. She pauses, to think, and to stare into space, then writes again.)

DARIA (V. O.): Every day, things grow more tense on the island. Itís only logical. Itís impossible to keep a group of people together for months and months with hope of rescue growing fainter. Especially a group like this. I am afraid my fellow castaways grow closer and closer to...island insanity.

(Daria looks up, just as voices are raised.)

JANE (V. O.): (Tone is sarcastic angry) If you donít like it, thereís the door.

TRENT (V. O.): (Tone is slightly pissed off.) Now, look, Jane, you know, I could move out of our hut and move in with Jesse, Max, and Nick.

JANE (V. O.): The sooner the better.

TRENT (V. O.): But Iím willing to give you one more chance.

(Cut to the interior of a hut. The hut (and most everything man-made that we see after this) looks like it was put together, out of bamboo and palm fronds, by people who didnít have a clue as to what theyíre doing...poles not straight and windows crooked. There are two hammocks hanging down to one side. Jane and Trent stand in the middle of this---on either side of a freshly-painted white line.

(Oh. And theyíre dressed the way they usually are---except Jane is wearing a blue captainís cap and Trent is wearing a white sailorís cap.)

JANE: All Iím saying is that you stay on your side and Iíll stay on my side.

TRENT: But your side has the door. How am I supposed to get to my side without going through your side?

JANE: You get to your side from the outside. But stay off my side!

TRENT: But, Jane--- (Trent takes a step across the white line.)

JANE: (Raises an arm as if to strike Trent, but does not.) Back!

(Trent retreats. They both cross their arms and glare angrily at each other across the line.)

(Cut back to Daria, who continues to write in her notebook.)

DARIA (V. O.): Ordinarily I wouldnít mind, but Jane and Trent are affected, too. Trent is threatening to move out. But where on this island would a person go to find peace?

(Cut to the interior of another hut. Itís devoid of most furniture but a few crates are piled about. Jesse, Max, and Nick sit and stare at each other. Jesse and Nick are holding homemade guitars and Max sits behind a homemade bamboo drum kit.)

MAX: You suck!

NICK: You suck!

JESSE: You both suck!

(They all get to their feet and start arguing with each other, the word "Butthead" being heard quite frequently.

(Back to Daria.)

DARIA (V. O.): Certainly not around the others. Now, Kevin and Brittany... (Looks in another direction.)

(Cut to the interior of another hut. This one is more luxuriously rigged-out, with tables, a pigeonhole desk, and one big bed. Kevin sits at a table facing us, and Brittany is behind him. Heís still wearing his football uniform and sheís wearing her cheerleader outfit. As we watch, she dumps some kind of drink over his head.)

KEVIN: Babe! You did that on purpose!

BRITTANY: I did not!

KEVIN: (Turns towards her) You did, you know you did.

BRITTANY: (smiling) Well, I didnít today, but I will tomorrow. Until then--- (Sits down on a chair next to Kevin, then turns away from him stiffly and coldly, arms crossed.)

KEVIN: Well, two can play that game. (Does the same).

(Cut back to Daria, still writing.)

DARIA (V. O.): ...and also some of the Fashion Club have had a falling out. Since theyíre the only ones on the island with any interest in fashion, I never would have thought it possible.

(Cut to another clearing. Sandi and Stacy stand besides some kind of homemade stove / oven. Next to it is what appears to be a sink, equally homemade. The sink is full of dishes. Sandi and Stacy are also dressed the way they usually dress. Stacy is holding a wooden ladle and waving it around in the air.)

STACY: Iíve had it, Sandi! Do you understand? I...have...had...it!

SANDI: What do you mean?

STACY: I work, I slave over this hot stove all day long, and you just stand there and let me do it. (Turns away, crosses her arms, holds her nose in the air.) The least you could do is wash the dishes *after* I cook.

SANDI: What do you mean, my share?

STACY: You heard me.

SANDI: (waves her finger in Sandiís face) Iíll have you know that I do my fair share of the work. More!

STACY: (turns to face Sandi) Hah! You get the guys to do your share, when you canít get me to!

SANDI: (still sticking her finger in Stacyís face). Look, Ms Stacy Rowe---!

(Stacy holds her ladle up as if it were a sword.)

STACY: Get that finger out of my face or I swear Iíll cut it off and cook it up right here and now!

SANDI: That will be the tastiest thing youíve served up all year.

(Gradually they lower their weapons, then cross their arms and stare at each other with anger. Stacy is shaking.)

(Back to Daria.)

DARIA (V. O.): But who would they talk to, if they didnít talk to each other? (Pause, stares into space, resumes.) All day and all night, most of my fellow castaways stand around and go out of their way to piss each other off. This would be incredibly amusing if I werenít stuck in the middle of it. (Pause, as Daria closes the notebook and stares into space.)

QUINN (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: (softly) Oh, God!

(Daria stands up as Quinn comes in to the clearing. Unlike the others, sheís not wearing what she usually wears; sheís wearing some glamorous evening gown. Right now her expression is angry.)

QUINN: Daria, you promised me youíd have the hot water running by this evening. Here it is late afternoon and I find you writing away.

DARIA: I happen to have had other things to do, *sister* dear.

QUINN: Ohh! (Pause, then speaks with some resignation.) Okay, Daria, what will it take to get you off your butt and down into your plumbing today?

DARIA: Excuse me?

QUINN: Your plumbing. The bamboo pipes you put down last month to bring hot water from the spring to the huts. The plumbing that has *never* worked right.

DARIA: Look, Quinn, Iím not in the mood right now. If you want to take a bath, go down to the lagoon and swim in the ocean. Weíre in the tropics. Itíll be blood warm.

QUINN: You *know* I canít wash my hair in salt water, Daria. (sighs) All right. How much?

DARIA: Excuse me?

QUINN: How much will it take to fix the plumbing?

DARIA: In case you havenít noticed, *sister,* weíre stranded on an island. There are many, *many* things for me to do just to keep us alive. Your moneyís no good. (Turns away) Besides, Kevin and Brittany have a financial lock on my services for the next ten years.

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: Or until we get off the island, whichever comes first.

QUINN: Youíre completely hopeless, do you know that? (Turns away and runs her hand through her hair, flinging it into the air.) Just because a person wants to look her *finest* from time to time, unlike certain people whom I shall not name---

DARIA: You mean people like your, ahem, *cousin*?

QUINN: ---but who continue to dress *so* unfashionably---

DARIA: (Turns to face Quinn.) Wait a minute. Why are you so eager to be so clean tonight?

QUINN: Umm, I, uh, canít a girl take an interest in cleanliness?

DARIA: (smiles her Mona Lisa smile). This is good news, Quinn. You can be the very first to try out the birth control pills I made.

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: (still smiling) And Iím pretty sure I can work up a home pregnancy test, too, if it doesnít work and you skip a period. Whoís the lucky father?

QUINN: Ohh!

DARIA: (mock suspicion in her voice) Or...donít you know?

QUINN: Oh, forget it! Forget it! Just forget the whole thing.

(Quinn storms off. Daria stands, arms crossed, still smiling her smile.)

DARIA (V. O.): This island insanity is also highly contagious. Even *I* am affected by it... (Pause, smiles) ...but it feels good.

 

 

 

 

(Opening credits - theme song begins to play, a vaguely "sea-chantey" tune)

(Generic panning shot of typical marina.)

"Just sit right back, and youíll hear a tale, a tale of a mighty trip, that started from this Eastern port..."

(Shot of small boat. Upchuck is visible, working on top of it. We can see that the boat is named: S. S. MINNOW.)

"...aboard this tiny ship."

(Shot of Trent, covered with gear, wearing a white sailorís cap, and smiling at the camera.)

"...the mate was a mighty sailing man..."

(Shot of Jane, leaning against a shipís wheel, wearing a captainís cap, and smiling.)

"...the skipper brave and sure..."

(Several shots of the boat edited together, showing the boat leaving the marina and heading out to sea.)

"...some passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour, a three hour tour!"

(Music stops. Shot of lightning bolt, followed by shots of the boat rising and falling in rain and rough seas. Music starts again)

"The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed..."

(Shot of Jane and Trent, struggling with the shipís wheel.)

"...if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost, the Minnow would be lost..."

(Shot of the ship, beached, a large rock next to a large hole in the hull.)

"...The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle..."

(Superimposed on the wrecked ship: shot of Daria, a full head and shoulders shot, as usually seen at the beginning of an episode, but this time framed in a shipís wheel.)

"...with Daria..."

(Similar shot of Jane, wearing her captainís hat, also in the wheel.)

"...the skipper, too..."

(Shot of Kevin in the wheel.)

"...the quarterback..."

(Shot of Brittany in the wheel.)

"...and his girl..."

(Four shots of the Fashion Club in wheels, arranged in compass points: North (Quinn), East (Tiffany), West (Stacy), and South (Sandi).)

"...the Fashion Club..."

(Shots of Trent, Upchuck, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Tom, and Andrea, all in wheels, but in varying sizes, spread randomly across the screen.)

"...and the rest..."

(Shot of small island silhouette on the ocean. After a moment, superimposed over this, lettering that spells out the words: Dariaís Island.)

"...here on Dariaís Isle...youíre standing on my neck..."

 

 

 

 

SCENE 2A: THE CLEARING.

(Trent comes out into the clearing and runs into Daria, giving no sign of seeing her. Heís carrying a small box in his arms.)

DARIA: Trent?

(Trent stops, sees her, smiles.)

TRENT: Daria! I didnít see you there.

DARIA: So youíre fighting with Jane?

(Trentís smile vanishes)

TRENT: Yeah, yeah. I mean, we fought when we were kids, but, I mean, we never had to share a hut before.

DARIA: Well, Jane can be, um, prickly at times. Itís a good thing, in a way---

TRENT: You donít have to tell me about Jane. (Pauses, steps closer) Daria---

DARIA: (steps back) No, Trent. Weíve had this talk before.

TRENT: But you know, weíve had this attraction to each other, even before the shipwreck---

DARIA: I told you, Trent. We do anything about it right now, it would upset Tom. Everybody else, too. Itís hard enough living on this island right now. Maybe when we get rescued it will be different, but it has to be this way, right now. (Pause) How would you like it if everybody fought the way you and Jane were fighting just now?

TRENT: I wouldnít like it at all. (Pause, steps back.) Really, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Just one thing led to another and the next thing I knew there was a white line down the middle of our hut.

DARIA: Well, try to keep in mind that Jane isnít only your sister, but your friend, too.

(Trent nods and turns away, then turns back.)

TRENT: Um, Daria, could you give this back to Kevin and Brittany? I, um, kinda had a fight with them yesterday. (Hands it to Daria) Itís just that Jane and I donít want their stuff cluttering up our hut.

DARIA: All right.

TRENT: Thanks, Daria, youíre the best.

(He walks away. Daria stands there for a moment.)

DARIA: If Iím the best, how come Iím talking to Kevin and Brittany?

 

 

SCENE 2B: KEVINíS AND BRITTANYíS HUT.

(The scene is as before, with Kevin and Brittany back to back ignoring each other. Thereís a knock at the door. Neither answers it. The door opens and Daria enters, carrying the box.)

DARIA: Itís me.

KEVIN: (bleak) Hey, Daria.

DARIA: Brittany?

BRITTANY: (also bleak) Hey, Daria.

DARIA: Okay, whatís up with you two?

BRITTANY: (Slowly, angrily) Us two? It should be obvious that I am alone.

DARIA: Um, is Kevin alone, too?

KEVIN: Of course. Iím aloner than her.

DARIA: Okay.

(Thereís a table to one side. Daria goes to this and puts the small box down.)

DARIA: (to Kevin) Kevin, when you see Brittany, tell her that Trent gave me this box to give back to the two of you. (to Brittany) Brittany, when you see Kevin, tell him that Trent gave me this box to give back to the two of you.

(Brittany and Kevin just "harrumph" without words. Daria quietly leaves and the two of them go back to ignoring each other.)

 

 

SCENE 2C: THE KITCHEN AREA.

(Itís where Stacy and Sandi were seen arguing. Sandi isnít around, but Stacy is standing in front of the sink, scrubbing dishes as Daria walks into the shot. Stacyís really scrubbing hard, too.)

STACY: (muttering) ...try and tell me how to cook and clean...never does her fair share...lets me do all the work...

DARIA: Whoa, there, Stacy. What are you angry about?

STACY: Angry? Iím not angry.

DARIA: You sound pretty angry.

STACY: Oh, itís Sandi. She never does her fair share of the work. *And* she tries to boss me while Iím doing my share *and* hers.

(Daria steps up next to Stacy, and picks up a cloth on the table next to the sink. Stacy hands her dishes, which she dries with the cloth and stacks on the table. This goes on while they talk.)

DARIA: Sandiís always been that way. Why is it bothering you now?

STACY: Ooh, she just makes me *so* mad at times.

DARIA: Sheís always made me mad.

STACY: Thatís because she always calls you "Quinnís cousin or whatever."

DARIA: (extreme neutrality to her voice) Yes. She does.

STACY: She knows better.

DARIA: Yes. (Shakes her head, after which her tone is a little lighter) But why are you fighting now?

STACY: I donít know. We started talking about some, some *thing* she wanted me to do, and it just blew up from there. (Sniffs) I mean, sheís my friend and all, but, sometimes, she can be, so, so...

DARIA: Well, try to get along with her. Weíre stuck together on this island, you know.

STACY: (sighs) I know.

DARIA: So...need any help for dinner?

STACY: (somber) No, Iíve got it. Thanks.

 

 

SCENE 3: A CLEARING.

(Same clearing. Daria is again sitting at the table. But now sheís hunched over a mid-size radio, its back open and its inner workings exposed. Daria is poking around in it with tiny tools; her glasses are up on her forehead and thereís what looks like a jewelerís loupe over one eye.

(Tom comes walking up. Like everybody seen so far except Quinn, Tom is wearing his usual clothes.)

TOM: Hi, Daria.

DARIA: Tom? (pulls the loupe off her eye and pushes her glasses down to their normal position. Smiles.) What brings you to this end of the island?

TOM: Curiosity, mostly. Besides, sometimes I get bored sitting in that cave all day. (Pause) Besides *that,* I could hear the arguing all the way across the island. (Sits at the table next to Daria.) Things bad here?

DARIA: (Stops smiling) Getting worse by the day. You know, you might have the right idea, living alone in that cave and all. I think by now any group stranded as long as we have would be at each otherís throats. Even if those people actually liked each other.

TOM: Well, some of us like each other. (Pause) Daria---

DARIA: (holds up her hand.) Stop, Tom. We agreed.

TOM: But itís been months now, Daria.

DARIA: You know I donít want to resume our relationship until weíre rescued. (Pause) You know it upsets Jane. And Trent, too. And maybe Upchuck.

TOM: Itís hard to tell what upsets Upchuck. Nothing gets to him. (Pause) But itís been a long time.

DARIA: And it looks like itíll be a while yet. (Pause) Look, Jane and Trent have painted a white line down the middle of their hut, Kevin and Brittany arenít speaking to each other, and Stacy blew up at Sandi this morning.

TOM: Weíve been on the island for a while. There are bound to be *some* disagreements--- (Stops himself, looks off in one direction, then turns back to Daria.) Stacy?

DARIA: Yes, even Stacy. (Shakes her head.) Weíve got to come up with something to make things better, before they get a whole lot worse.

TOM: What would make everybody on this island feel a little better?

(They stop a moment, look into space, and think.)

TOM: (snaps his fingers) I know. Nothing would go down better than getting off this island. Letís get aboard ship, and weíll leave.

DARIA: Your feeble and pathetic attempt at humor fails to amuse me, Tom.

TOM: I *said* we, Daria. As in you and me? (Pause) Surely between the two of us we can come up with something that could get both of us off the island.

DARIA: Iíve thought about it. But weíd have to take everybody.

TOM: Well, if itís just a matter of making people feel better, why donít we just pretend weíre about to be rescued?

DARIA: (looks thoughtful) Mmm...no. Theyíd kill us if we lied to them. (Looks down at the radio.) I was hoping I could get the radio working again. Some outside news might cheer them up.

JANE (O. S.): Why would hearing news of places we canít get to cheer us up? (Jane walks into shot.) Daria. Tom.

DARIA: Jane, why are you fighting with Trent?

JANE: Oh, he just bugs me sometimes.

DARIA: And why the white line?

JANE: It seemed the best way to keep the peace. (Shrugs)

DARIA: Jane, pull up a chair and join us.

(Jane does so.)

JANE: Whatís the beef, amiga?

TOM: (looks away) Oooh, donít mention beef to me. I miss hamburgers so much.

DARIA: Tom. (Pause, turns to Jane.) Weíre in a bad situation, stuck on this island with no way off.

JANE: Look, Daria, Iím no old sea salt, but I did the best I could---I mean, you try navigating with a hurricane raging around you---

DARIA: No, no, not that. *We* know you did the best you could. (Looks at Tom) That is, *we* as in Tom and I.

JANE: (smug, arms crossed) Thatís better.

DARIA: I mean the situation. Being here, day after day, without hope of rescue.

TOM: Let me try. Right now, Jesse, Max, and Nick spend all day staring at each other and yelling "You suck!" Kevin and Brittany arenít speaking to each other, and Stacy and Sandi almost fought a duel with cooking utensils.

JANE: (smiles) Well, Iím for anything that keeps Kevin and Brittany from speaking. (Pause, looks somber) Stacy stood up to Sandi?

DARIA: If by "stood up" you mean screaming at the top of her lungs while waving a ladle, thatís an accurate description.

JANE: So people fight. Whatís wrong with fighting?

DARIA: Itís happening more and more often. Itís the being stuck on the island thatís getting to them. (Leans a little closer and whispers.) Every day, day after day, theyíre stuck here. *Weíre* stuck here. Think of it. Planes that donít see us, ships that pass without stopping, radios and cell phones that donít work. One screw up after another.

JANE: Daria, I thought we agreed it was Kevin.

DARIA: (leans back) You know, Trent isnít the only one you irritate.

TOM: No kidding.

JANE: Hey, just because---

TOM: And Daria is so irritated by Quinn she brushes her off and insults her as well.

JANE: Thatís normal enough.

DARIA: And you and your brother seem to be fighting for no good reason.

(Janeís face shows a sudden flash of anger, followed by heavy concern. She leans forward on the table and puts one arm over her head.)

JANE: I know. We were talking about something, I forget what, and the next thing I knew I was painting a white line down the middle of our hut. (Pause) Itís not good, Daria.

DARIA: The important thing is that when you talk to him, you remember heís not only your brother, but heís your friend as well.

TOM: Yeah. Just remember that, when heís irritating you, that you sure can be irritating, too.

JANE: (coldly) All right, what do you mean?

TOM: Remember that time when---

DARIA: (loudly) Stop that! Thatís what I mean. Weíre never going to get anywhere if we keep picking at each other like this. Weíve got a problem and weíve got to find an answer.

TOM: We could remind everybody how lucky we are. Remember when we beached the "Minnow" on this island, when we found all these huts and supplies? All we had to do was a little repair work.

DARIA: (shakes her head) No, no, I canít see them getting cheered up by telling them how much worse it could have been.

TOM: (shrugs) Well, if we canít come up with anything else, how about a party? A good party might improve moods.

JANE: Iím tapped out for ideas. I canít see any problem with a party.

DARIA: Okay, a party, then. Weíre agreed. (Gets to her feet.) Iíll talk to the others about throwing things together for one. Any suggestions for theme?

(Tom and Jane both shake their heads.)

DARIA: Then itís settled. You two decorate the clearing and Iíll talk to Stacy about cooking up something special.

(She gets up and leaves. Tom and Jane stay sitting.)

JANE: Poor kid, taking the weight of the island on her shoulders.

TOM: Yeah.

 

 

SCENE 4: ANOTHER CLEARING: NIGHT.

(Another clearing. Itís night, now, and several tall tiki torches light up the clearing. The moon is out, too, and provides some more light.

(This clearing has been decorated with a surreal tropical / Christmas combination, reflecting both the disturbing hand and mind of Jane Lane and a serious lack of proper supplies. There are several tables, lots of chairs (more than they need), and what appears to be a bandstand to one side. One table holds what looks like a lushly-laid-out buffet. Another table has a punch bowl.

(Mystik Spiral, Trent included, sit at the bandstand: they glare at each other and do not play the instruments they hold.

(As the camera pans across the clearing, we see all the others, dressed as we have already seen them, plus some others. Most of them wear varying degrees of annoyed. Most are not speaking.

(The Three Js stand around Quinn: theyíre talking to her and wearing just what they always wear. Quinn, though, is wearing a dress that seems to be made from a duffel bag, a vaguely-sexy effect.)

QUINN: (smiling) Guys, can you get me a glass of punch?

JOEY: Oh, sure, Quinn.

JEFFY: Right away, Quinn.

JAMIE: (a hint of sarcasm) Yes, Quinn.

(Joey and Jeffy go off, but Jamie, surprisingly, stays put. He already has a glass of punch in his hand, and his expression is sour.)

(The camera moves again, and focuses on two others that we havenít seen before. Upchuck and Tiffany. Theyíre sitting down, and Upchuck is rubbing Tiffanyís feet. Upchuck wears what he normally wears, but Tiffany wears some kind of sarong.)

UPCHUCK: So, darling Tiffany, what do you say to my proposal?

TIFFANY: (slowly, of course) No, Upchuck, I wonít marry you.

UPCHUCK: Not even to get out of the same hut as the rest of the Fashion Club?

TIFFANY: (looks a little sad) Not even for that. Itís just itís too...too... (jerks her feet out of Upchuckís hands) too...ewwwwwww!

(Upchuck gets out of his chair, kneels next to Tiffany, and takes her hands in his. Tiffany doesnít resist.)

UPCHUCK: So if marriage is out, my dear, how about straight sex?

(Tiffany pulls her hands out of Upchuckís and slaps him, then gets up ands walks away. Upchuck looks stunned for a moment, then grins, gets to his feet, and brushes himself off.)

UPCHUCK: (growls)

(Camera cuts to Daria, Jane, and Tom, standing near the buffet.)

JANE: You know, I donít think this is working.

DARIA: Weíll move through the crowd, try to get some people talking to each other. Jane, talk to the band, all right?

JANE: The band? Daria, my brother is one of the people *Iím* mad at.

DARIA: (sounding pretty irritated herself) There are four guys in the band, talk to one youíre not mad at.

(Jane raises an eyebrow, then moves into the crowd. Daria moves to speak to Tom, but Tom holds up his hands, palm out, in front of him.)

TOM: All right, all right, Iíll find somebody to talk to. Lord knows there are enough people mad at each other on this island already. I might as well join them.

(He moves off. Daria starts to move off, but is caught by an approaching Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: Daria, my sweet!

DARIA: No, Upchuck. To whatever you have in mind, no.

UPCHUCK: Why, Iím *wounded* by your accusations. (Pause) But your sharp dismissal of me masks, I suspect, some deeper feelings.

DARIA: The only deep thing here is the pit youíre shoveling it out of.

UPCHUCK: (grins) Sweet, smart, *lovely* Daria. You *know* weíve been on this island for a *long* while, now. There are seven girls and seven boys---

DARIA: What about Andrea?

(They both look across the party. Andrea is on the other side of the clearing, dressed in her "warehouse store" uniform. Sheís not looking in their direction. Her arms are folded and she looks sardonically at the party.)

UPCHUCK: She wonít tell me the time of day. (Pause) Look, as your intellectual equal, itís only natural that we pair off.

DARIA: You? My intellectual equal? (Turns away, shrugs) You come up with strange ideas, Upchuck.

UPCHUCK: Deny it all you like, sweet Daria, but just remember that someday Iíll be the prize pick in any relationship---

DARIA: Did you say "pick?"

UPCHUCK: Look, weíre all men and women---

DARIA: Iíll take Vegas odds on that.

UPCHUCK: ---itís only a matter of time before we all form pairs.

DARIA: And your problem is that no one wants to pair with you.

UPCHUCK: (more subdued) Yes. (Back to normal.) Yes, Daria, and donít you see that you and I would make the perfect pair---

DARIA: Upchuck, quit talking to me about making a pair with me, or Iíll be forced to remove a certain part of your anatomy that comes in a pair. (Daria moves off.)

UPCHUCK: (grinning) Grrrr! Feisty!

(Tom comes up behind Kevin and Brittany. They sit at a table, and ignore each other with harsh body language, just like they were last seen doing. Brittany is wearing a gown and has her hair similar to the way she appeared in "Just Add Water," but Kevin is still dressed in his uniform, down to his cleats and his neck thingy.)

TOM: So how are our happy couple tonight?

BRITTANY: I told Kevin to dress for dinner, I really did. He *has* a tuxedo.

KEVIN: But itís not as cool as my uniform!

BRITTANY: See Andrea, Kevin? She only wears her warehouse outfit to *formal* occasions.

(The three of them look at Andrea. She looks back at them, a sour expression on her face.)

KEVIN: But, babe, most everybodyís not wearing their fancy stuff. (Looks at Tom, then turns around and holds out a hand, pleading.) I mean, babe, look, Tom, hereís not wearing anything weird, is he?

TOM: (looks down, tugs at his shirt, speaks stiffly) These are the only clothes I have.

KEVIN: You see, Britt, wearing clothes doesnít matter. We could have come wearing nothing at all!

BRITTANY: Ooh! (goes back to ignoring him.)

KEVIN: (to Tom) Look, man, Iím sorry. I would have dressed up fancy if I thought it.

BRITTANY: I *told* you to wear your tuxedo, you, you...pinhead!

KEVIN: (stupid look on his face) Hey, are you calling me stupid?

(Brittany returns to ignoring him once again.)

KEVIN: (to Brittany) I suppose you think itís all my fault.

TOM: Yes, if you hadnít won the lottery and bought "the Minnow," we wouldnít be here right now.

(Cut to Daria, who comes to where Stacy and Sandi stand, near the buffet table. They stand side by side, angry expressions on their faces, but in no way acknowledging each otherís presence.)

DARIA: Um, Stacy, Sandi, um, howís it going?

STACY: Oh, just fine.

SANDI: Everythingís just fine.

STACY: Daria, would you tell Sandi that from now on I expect her to do *her* fair share?

SANDI: Um, Quinnís cousin, or whatever--- (Daria frowns at this, but otherwise ignores it.) ---will you tell Stacy that I already do *my* share and will *not* do any of *hers*"?

STACY: Daria, will you tell Sandi that thereís lots of pots to scrub after the partyís over?

SANDI: And will you tell Stacy not to choose the *messiest* dishes to cook?

STACY: And will you tell Sandi that I wonít be her doormat---

SANDI: Doormat! (Turns towards Stacy and both start to argue directly with each other.)

DARIA: (holds up hand) Enough! (Long pause) Canít the two of you talk about something besides this? Something that wonít make you mad?

(The two of them look away from each other, annoyed expressions still on their faces, and donít speak.)

DARIA: Okay. That didnít work. Why donít you talk about---

QUINN (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: Quinn.

(Quinn comes into the shot. Sheís trailed by the Three Js, and then by Tiffany. Jamie still looks pretty pissed at Quinn, but is still with the group. Stacy smiles at all of them, but Sandi still looks angry.)

QUINN: Daria, I donít know why you decided to throw this party---

DARIA: Just another sick and sad attempt to crash the popular crowd.

QUINN: Oh, donít be foolish, Daria. You *know* youíll never be popular. (Pause) Anyway, whatever youíre *really* planning here, itís no good without any music.

(They look over at the platform where the band sits. Jane stands next to them. Just then we hear Jane, Trent, and the band raise their voices and start arguing.)

DARIA: Oh, God! (She runs towards the band.) Whatís going on here?

JANE: Daria, will you tell my brother that---

DARIA: (with surprising force) No! Iím not getting into that again. Now, Jane, Trent, guys, you know how much you all care for each other. And here you are, fighting with each other.

NICK: But, Daria, we just---

DARIA: I donít want to hear it. Jane, Trent, Iím surprised at you.

(Jane and Trent look down in embarrassment. The other band members grin, but then Max frowns.)

MAX: Hey, how come youíre not surprised at us?

DARIA: (putting a hand to her head) Just...play...something.

(Max starts pounding on the drums, and then the others join in on the opening chords. For a band obviously without electricity, theyíre surprisingly loud. Thereís about four bars of intro before Trent takes the lead vocal.)

TRENT (singing): "I hate your lips, I hate your eyes / I hate your potatoes and I hate your fries / I hate your feet, I hate your head / I wish that everyone was dead..."

TRENT / JESSE / NICK (singing): "I hate you! / I hate you! / I hate you! / I hate you!"

TRENT (spoken): Second verse. (singing) "I hate your back, I hate your front..."

DARIA: (very loudly) Enough, enough, enough! (The band stops. The quiet is overwhelming for a moment, before Daria speaks again.) Look, Iíve had enough of this. All we do on this stinking island is fight, fight, fight! Iím sick of it, do you hear me? Iím sick of trying to keep you guys from fighting each other! If you want to fight, go ahead, fight! Find a twig and beat your brains out, for all I care. Iíll have nothing more to do with it. Do you hear me? (slaps side of hand in palm to emphasize each word) Iíll... have... nothing... more... to... do... with... it!

(Daria runs off, out of the clearing. The others, stunned by Dariaís outburst, look down in shame and embarrassment, but donít move. After a few moments, Tom follows Daria.)

 

 

SCENE 5: ANOTHER CLEARING.

(This clearing is a little more wild and natural than some of the ones weíve seen so far. Thereís a big flat rock in the middle of the clearing, and Daria is lying on it, her head lolling over the side, her arms straight out (you know, the "something eating at her soul" pose) Her eyes are closed.

(After a moment, Tom enters the clearing. Without speaking, he sits on the rock, next to Dariaís feet. He waits before speaking. Daria does not acknowledge his presence, but her eyes open.)

TOM: ...Daria?

(Daria sighs but does not speak.)

TOM: You did the best you could.

(No answer.)

TOM: I mean, I think we were all bound to fight. I mean, the longer weíre here, the more tense itís going to get.

(Daria sighs, and raises her head and chest by leaning on her elbows.)

DARIA: Look, thereís enough crap lying around on this island to build a good, solid boat. We can put it together and sail away when itís done.

TOM: Now, we agreed, when we got here. Your attempts to find the latitude and longitude of this island produced inconsistent results. And since we donít know where we are, it would be just too dangerous to leave by boat.

DARIA: Then Iíll go by myself. (Glares at Tom) I just donít want to be here when one of us kills another one. (Pause, stops glaring, looks away.) Did you know, that after the mutineers of the Bounty landed on Pitcairn Island, they killed each other in just a couple of years? And *they* actually wanted to be on their island

TOM: Yes, I know. All but one of the mutineers were dead when they were finally found. (Pause) So, Mr. Christian, what are your plans now?

DARIA: (sighs) I donít know. I just donít know. Months of spotting ships and airplanes without being to signal them. A busted radio, no news. Hope of rescue growing dimmer with every day.

TOM: Look at the bright side, Daria.

DARIA: (looks away from him) I canít. I tried and I canít.

TOM: Well, Iíll look at it for both of us. (Takes her hand.) This island is a paradise. Thereís all the food and water we would ever want. There were these huts, these supplies, all here, all empty. Thereís fourteen---fifteen if you count Andrea---fifteen of us, who are all friends despite some recent unhappiness. (Leans a little closer) Thereís you and me.

(Daria opens her mouth. Itís as if they were about to kiss. But just then---)

JANE (O. S.): Daria!

DARIA: Eep!

(The mood is broken. Daria leans back, and gets up. Tom backs off, too, but remains sitting. Jane enters the clearing.)

JANE: Daria! We were all worried about you.

DARIA: (sighs) Iím sorry, Jane, for blowing up at all of you.

JANE: (shrugs) Thatís all right. We deserved it. (Pause) Look, we all feel bad about acting like jerks. They sent me to get you. Wonít you please come back to the party, and we can try to carry on again?

DARIA: I donít know.

JANE: Everybody is real sorry for the way they acted.

DARIA: Even the band?

JANE: Well, Trent said if you came back theyíd play something youíd like to hear. (Pause) Címon. Give it a try.

TOM: Iím sure it wouldnít be any worse than it was.

JANE: See?

(Daria looks away from them, thinking, then speaks without enthusiasm.)

DARIA: They all promised to behave?

JANE: They gave their solemn word, such as it is.

DARIA: Mmm. Okay. Iíll give it a try. (Pause) But if theyíre still fighting, Iím gone. Iíll live in the caves.

TOM: (smiling) You can have the one next to me.

JANE: (smiling, ignoring Tom) All right then, letís go.

(Daria starts walking. Tom gets up and follows her. Jane grins at the clearing, then follows both of them.

(Camera focuses in on the moon. A dark cloud passes over it.)

 

 

 

 

(commercial break)

 

 

 

 

SCENE 6: THE PARTY CLEARING AGAIN.

(Daria, Tom, and Jane approach. As they do, they can hear that any promises made had been made in vain. Voices are raised, loudly.)

JANE: That doesnít sound good.

(The three of them crouch in the bushes next to the clearing and watch. The groups in the clearing have broken up and recombined, and continued arguing in new groupings. The cameraís eye view cuts between several of the new groupings.)

(Cut to: Sandi and Brittany)

SANDI: Youíre just jealous Ďcause you canít hang on to what youíve got.

BRITTANY: (coldly) And just what do you mean by that?

SANDI: Just what I said. I could have any man on this island I wanted. *Any* man! Even--- (points finger at Brittany) ---yours.

(Brittany slaps Sandi. Sandi throws a punch at Brittany, and they start fighting.)

(Cut to Max, Joey, Stacy, and Tiffany.)

MAX: Tiffanyís not your girl, man, sheís mine!

JOEY: Look, you balding stick-man, Tiffanyís mine!

MAX: Mine!

JOEY: Mine!

(They attempt to mix it up, but a frightened Stacy gets in between them. Tiffany watches with a bemused expression.)

STACY: Guys, *guys*! Stop!

(Cut to: Upchuck, Kevin, and Trent.)

UPCHUCK: (pointing his finger in Kevinís face) Itís your fault weíre still here!

KEVIN: Hey, man, donít blame me! I wanna get off this island as much as anybody!

UPCHUCK: Then *why,* when Daria *finally* got a cell phone battery charged up, did you try it out in your electric razor!

KEVIN: It didnít work!

TRENT: No, you just wrecked it so we couldnít charge it up again.

UPCHUCK: And when that Coast Guard plane passed over, who rearranged our giant "help" sign to spell out Brittanyís name?

KEVIN: It was her birthday!

TRENT: You couldnít even spell it right. Brittany doesnít spell it like Britney Spears.

UPCHUCK: Why donít you just admit it? We wouldnít even *be* here if it wasnít for you. You bought the boat, you insisted on going out in the storm. You got us shipwrecked.

KEVIN: Hey, nobody asked you to come along with us, you crashed the party. Besides, I didnít steer us into a storm, man. That was Trent and Jane.

(Watching from the woods, Jane moves to rise. Daria restrains her with a hand motion.)

TRENT: Hey, we did the best we could.

KEVIN: But you didnít know nothing about running a boat!

TRENT: Then why did you hire me and my sister?

UPCHUCK: Yes, you and your, ahem, *sister.*

TRENT: (turning to Upchuck, speaking coldly) And what do you mean?

UPCHUCK: (looks at Trent, then at Kevin, then back at Trent.) I mean, you two are the only two we guys all know who are getting any. (to Kevin) You with your *cheerleader* and (to Trent) you with your (coughs) *sister.*

(Trent scowls at Upchuck, and prepares to throw a fist. From Upchuckís expression, we realize that he thinks he said something he shouldnít have. Kevin, actually realizing things have gone too far, gets between them before it goes any farther.

(Back in the bushes, this time Jane is held back by both Tomís and Dariaís hands on her shoulders.)

DARIA: (whispers) Donít do it, youíll regret it later!

JANE: (whispers) Not half as much as Iíll regret not doing it! Let me go!

(Cut to: Quinn, Jamie and Jeffy)

JAMIE: Look, let the others be your personal slaves, but Iím through. Hear me? Iíve had it. Iím through!

QUINN: But I never asked you to follow me around!

JAMIE: If it wasnít for you, horning in on Kevin and Brittanyís party, none of us would be here now!

JEFFY: Donít you talk to her like that!

JAMIE: Shut-up!

JEFFY: Make me!

(The two of them go at each other. Quinn, for once frightened rather than pleased to see men fighting over her, puts her hands to her head.)

QUINN: Stop, stop, stop!

(Cut to: Nick and Jesse. The two of them smash their guitars over their heads---they smash easily---and then start punching each other.)

(Cut back to the bushes.)

DARIA: I am not fixing those guitars again. (Pause) Címon.

(They quietly slink off. Jane lingers a moment longer, looking at things, tears almost in her eyes. Daria turns and taps her on the shoulder, and then they leave.)

TOM: Iíll be up in the caves, waiting for you. (Looks at Jane) *Both* of you. (He leaves.)

JANE: Well, what now?

 

 

SCENE 7: JANEíS AND TRENTíS HUT.

(Exterior shot, then interior. Jane is stuffing clothes, art supplies, and junk into a duffel bag. Daria stands at the door behind her, leaning against the door, a vaguely bemused expression on her face. In her hands is a newspaper, the "Arts" section of the "Lawndale Sun-Herald.")

JANE: Gonna miss this place.

DARIA: It wonít be so bad living in the caves full time. (Pause) *And* we can barricade the entrance if any of the others try to come at us.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause, continues stuffing possessions into her bag.) I know if I stay here, sooner or later (starts to get worked up) Iíll...Iíll... kill Trent, but...

DARIA: ...but you donít want to be around for it.

JANE: Right. (Looks at Daria) What about you? Arenít you taking anything?

DARIA: Jane, when I arrived on this island I had the clothes on my back.

JANE: (not looking at Daria) I told you to pack a bag, but did you listen?

DARIA: The clothes on my back, I said. Iíve got them, and this newspaper.

JANE: Havenít you memorized it yet?

DARIA: Iíve memorized it and every book on the island. (Folds paper, slips it into her jacket.) Iím taking it anyway.

JANE: Is it comforting to know that the answer to Four Down is "Verrazano"?

DARIA: Slim comfort at best.

JANE: (turns back to her packing) I suppose we all need a security blanket.

DARIA: No, thatís the comics page. (Pause) Iím taking it. I bought it before we left, so itís mine. *And* Iíve got my diary. (Taps her jacket: and makes a thump youíd hear by thumping a spiral notebook can be heard.) Everything else in my hut is something for them, the supplies, the endless experiments, everything. They can have it.

JANE: (nods) Right.

(Lengthy pause, while Jane continues stuffing her bag. Jane abruptly stops.)

JANE: Itís no good.

DARIA: What?

JANE: Look, Daria, I canít walk away from this. I mean, I *was* the captain of the "Minnow."

DARIA: An accident of stupidity. Not yours, but Kevinís. Weíve never really paid attention to it.

JANE: Your point being?

DARIA: So why should you start now?

JANE: I know, I know, but I still feel responsible.

DARIA: (sighs) Jane, thereís nothing you can do for these people now. Just walk away and donít look in their eyes.

JANE: Daria, you---

(Just then Stacy comes running in. Sheís in tears, but coherent.)

STACY: Guys, I canít stand it any more. (Looks around, then speaks more calmly.) What are you packing for?

(Jane glances at Daria. Daria shrugs.)

JANE: Weíre pulling out. Daria and I are going to the caves.

STACY: (Looks at both of them) Youíre leaving us?

DARIA: (sighs) I canít stand the constant fighting any more.

STACY: But you canít! I mean, without you, weíd all be lost.

DARIA: I donít care any more. Iíve had it and Iím getting out.

JANE: Before things get even uglier.

STACY: How can that happen?

(Daria and Jane look at each other, silently debating whether to fill in specific and graphic details for Stacyís benefit. Finally, Daria shakes her head.)

DARIA: It doesnít matter. We *are* going.

STACY: Then Iíll go with you! I mean, I just...I mean... (struggles with calm, then burst out) I canít *stand* it any more! Sandiís always, *always* picking on me!

DARIA: The "doormat" thing?

STACY: Day, night, in, out, she picks on me! She shoves her work off on my and yells at me when I do it! I canít stand being near her any more!

(Stacy starts sobbing and falls against Jane. Jane appeals silently to Daria, and gets a "Donít look at me!" look back for her troubles. Jane shrugs and begins comforting Stacy.)

JANE: (uneasy) There...there. Everythingís going to be...all right?

STACY: (steps back, sniffs, gets a handkerchief out of some pocket, wipes her eyes.) Iím sorry, guys. I didnít mean---

JANE: Thatís all right. (Suddenly smiles, as if with a good idea.) Hey! Why donít you come to the caves with us?

STACY: What?

JANE: If youíre so sick of Sandi and the work and all, why donít you just come with us and live away from it all?

(Stacy is smiling. Behind Stacyís back, Daria is making frantic "No!" gestures with her head and hands and mouth.)

STACY: You know, it *would* be a relief to leave all this...all them...behind...

JANE: And weíd love to have you. Right, Daria?

(They turn and face an extremely uneasy Daria.)

DARIA: Um...yeah...weíd... (forcing it) *love* to have you.

STACY: (Smiles and turns towards Jane) Iíll do it!

(Daria throws up her hands in a gesture of defeat.)

STACY: Just give me a minute to get a few things, and Iíll be there. (Hugs Jane, to Janeís surprise.) Thanks. (Hugs Daria, to Dariaís mortification.) Thanks, Daria. (Runs out of the hut, turns at the door, waves, and is gone.)

DARIA: (really biting) *Thanks,* Jane.

JANE: Hey, what could I do?

DARIA: Donít ask me. (Pause.) You, me, Tom...and Stacy.

JANE: Hey, three girls, one guy. That ought to make *Tom* happy.

(Daria glares at Jane).

JANE: Hey, donít look at me that way.

DARIA: Hmm. What about you? How do you feel?

JANE: Fine. Just fine. (Removes her captainís hat, brushes the top off, then tosses it over on to the top hammock. Grabs duffelbag.) Iím ready. Letís go.

 

 

SCENE 8: THE CLEARING IN FRONT OF THE HUTS.

(This isnít particularly well-lit, but, thanks to the magic of television, we can see whatís going on. Thereís a table in the clearing. Itís dark now, and the wind has picked up considerably. Jane and Daria stand around and wait.)

DARIA: Where is she?

JANE: More attached to her possessions?

(Stacy appears, carrying a hard suitcase and two shoulder bags.)

STACY: Well, thatís all I need. Some clothes, some makeup...

DARIA: No food? No Stacyís Famous Guava and Mango Jelly Preserves?

JANE: Weíll rough it.

(Daria nods, and the three of them start to set off. Just then Jamie comes into the clearing.)

JAMIE: What? Where are you going?

DARIA: To the ends of the earth. (Pause) Weíre going up to the caves to live alone.

JAMIE: Together?

DARIA: Well, it started out that way. (Pause) Do you want to join us? (Pause, looks at Jane.) I thought Iíd cut to the quick of it.

JAMIE: (grins) Sure do! I canít stand fighting with Joey and Jeffy any more, and Quinn canít *even* get my name right! Just let me get a bag, and Iíll be there!

(Jamie runs off.)

JANE: Another one?

DARIA: Well, heís as sick of them as we are.

JANE: And arenít we sick of him?

DARIA: (shrugs) I donít know him well enough to be sick of him.

(From the bushes at the other side of the clearing, Upchuck watches. He grins.)

UPCHUCK: So the feistiest of the feisty ladies are pulling out of our community! Mmm-hmm! This could be my big chance, to get to know them better, away from the competition! Mmm, I *must* give some thought to it!

JANE: (scowling) Upchuck, we can here you.

UPCHUCK: Oh.

(Upchuck emerges from his hiding place and comes over. Daria eyes him while keeping a neutral expression---for her. Jane is tense, but does nothing.)

UPCHUCK: What can I say, lovely ladies? I overheard your, ah, little conversation, and---

DARIA: Upchuck, canít you be serious for even a moment?

UPCHUCK: Take me with you.

STACY: What?

UPCHUCK: Take me with you. (Falls to his knees, clasps his hands together, and looks up at them.) *Please* take me with you.

(Daria glances at Jane. Jane shrugs.)

JANE: You, me, Stacy, Jamie, and now Upchuck. I wonder whoíll be next?

(Before Daria can reply, Quinn comes through the bushes. Sheís a little wild-eyed.)

QUINN: Daria!

DARIA: Oh, no.

QUINN: Um, I donít mean to interrupt Upchuckís proposal. (Upchuck and Daria glare at her, but she ignores it. Jane smiles, and Quinn ignores that.) But rumor is that youíre moving up to the caves to get away from it all. Iím coming with you.

DARIA: Quinn, youíre part of the *it all* Iím trying to get away from.

QUINN: I donít want to hear it. Iím coming with you, or---or---

JANE: Maybe you should tell your mother.

QUINN: Right. (Raises voice) Muh-oh--- (Cuts herself off, glares at Jane.) *Very* funny.

(Jane smiles.)

DARIA: If you canít remember who is and isnít on the island, Iím certainly not going to help you.

QUINN: Hah, hah, very funny. It doesnít matter what you want, Iím coming with you. (Suddenly looks a little frightened and vulnerable.) Joey and Jeffy are fighting each other.

DARIA: Whatís so odd about that?

QUINN: Um, this time, itís serious?

JANE: We know. We---

(Just then a gust of wind blows the table over, startling everyone.)

JANE: Whoah.

DARIA: (looks up at the sky) Uh-oh. (Pauses, while still looking, then looks at the others. Worried expressions, all around.) This is not good. This looks like a big blow.

UPCHUCK: You mean like the storm that shipwrecked us here?

DARIA: Um...yeah. (To Jane) I think weíve got other things to worry about than moving to the caves right now.

JANE: Shouldnít we have gotten a little warning, I mean, all those bottles and stuff and weather instruments youíve got around out there?

DARIA: Um...I was busy today.

(Jamie comes running up. Heís followed by Joey, Jeffy, Andrea, and Tiffany.)

JAMIE: Hey, guys, guys, the roof of the supply hut just blew off!

DARIA: Itís a big storm.

TIFFANY: You mean, like---

DARIA: (impatient) Yes, like the one that stranded us here. (Looks at the others.) Um, guys, I think we had better get up to the caves, anyway. You guys grab what you need and go there, and Iíll see if I can round up the others.

(Daria turns away and starts off. The group breaks apart.)

DARIA: (muttering under her breath) ...if they havenít killed each other yet.

 

 

SCENE 9: THE PARTY CLEARING.

(As Daria runs into it, the wind is stronger, the torches have either fallen or blown out, and one of the tables, food and all, has blown over.

(Trent, followed by Mystik Spiral, run into the clearing. Jesse and Nick carry whatís left of their broken instruments. Everybody shouts, to be heard over the wind.)

TRENT: Daria! (Starts to embrace her, but Daria pushes him back.)

DARIA: Thereís a big storm coming, and weíve all got to take shelter in the caves!

MAX: Sounds good, man!

DARIA: Have you seen the others?

NICK: Brittany was back there! (Points in one direction.)

TRENT: Sandi was back there! (Points in another direction) Whereís Janey?

DARIA: On her way to the caves! The others already are! You guys get there, too!

(Trent lingers behind while the others head off.)

TRENT: Are you all right?

DARIA: Fine, fine, go! Iíll find the others, just go!

(Trent goes. Shortly after that, Daria goes, too.)

 

 

SCENE 10A: THE JUNGLE.

(Kevin walks through the jungle, looking upset. The wind is really starting to whip now.)

KEVIN: (cupping hands to mouth, shouts) Brittany! Brittany!

BRITTANY (O. S.): Kevvy!

(Brittany runs to Kevin, and they embrace. Brittany is terrified, but Kevin smiles.)

BRITTANY: Oh, babe...Iím *so* scared!

KEVIN: All right!

BRITTANY: The supply hut just blew away!

KEVIN: (still grinning like the idiot he is) Mmm...good!

BRITTANY: Iím sorry I was mad at you, Kevvy!

KEVIN: Like, me, too, Britt!

(They kiss, just as Daria runs into them. They donít notice.)

DARIA: (shouting) Uh, Kevin...Brittany?

(They ignore her for a few seconds more, until a bolt of lightning and clap of thunder strikes nearby. We see a palm tree split, straight down the middle. All three of them jump and look.)

DARIA: Guys! Weíve got to get to the caves! Címon!

KEVIN: Yeah, the caves...hunh?

(Brittany grasps the concept, and breaks out of Kevinís grip. She slaps him on the shoulder.)

BRITTANY: Címon, Kevvy! (She grabs his uniform jersey and drags him a little; after a few feet he starts to run after her. Daria runs in another direction.)

 

 

SCENE 10B: ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE.

(We see Jane, Quinn, the three Js, Trent, Tiffany, Upchuck, Andrea, the rest of Mystik Spiral, and Stacy, along a trail that slopes up. Theyíre hurrying along. Some carry a few things, others are empty-handed. Itís started to rain and the wind blows ever more intense; we can hear thunder every so often.

(Stacy, lagging behind, brings up the rear. Sheís still carrying her gear from before; itís weighing her down.)

SANDI (O. S.): Help!

(Stacy hears it; she stops and turns.)

SANDI (O. S.): Oh, help!

(Stacy looks around; the others are already out of sight up the trail and gone. She grimaces and turns around, still carrying her luggage.)

 

 

SCENE 10B: (CONTINUED)

(Sandi is trapped by the leg under a fallen log, and is struggling to get it off her.)

SANDI: (almost sobbing) Please, somebody, help!

STACY (O. S.): Iím coming!

(Stacy makes it to Sandiís side, and drops her luggage. She bends and tries to lift it. Sandi lifts with her, and together they manage to slide the log off. Itís a fairly intense struggle. Stacy helps Sandi to her feet, on her right.)

SANDI: Ow!

(Sandy bends down and grabs her leg, pulling Stacy down with her; they both fall.)

SANDI: My leg! I think itís broken!

STACY: Let me help! Lean on me!

(Stacy slips to Sandiís left side. Sandi puts her arm on Stacyís shoulder; Stacy puts hers across Sandiís back and her hand under Sandiís arm. They start to walk, Sandi using one leg, one hop at a time. Itís slow going.)

SANDI: I canít---

STACY: Címon, try it!

(They hobble along for a few more steps. Daria comes into the clearing. Without comment she moves to Sandiís right side and gets Sandiís arm across her shoulders. The three of them move along more quickly now.)

STACY: Sandi was under a tree, and she---!

DARIA: Tell me later! Weíve got to get out of here now!

(They move a few more steps, stepping close to Stacyís fallen luggage. Stacy stops, nearly jerking them off their feet.)

STACY: My suitcase! Iíve got food in there! Weíll need it!

(Daria is closer to the suitcase; she bends carefully and picks it up. The three of them move off, a little more slowly.)

 

 

SCENE 11: THE CAVE (INTERIOR).

(Opens with stock shots of lightning (dubbed thunder on the soundtrack), and storm-blown and storm-drenched jungle.

(Cut to: the cave interior, where we see right away that everyone has made it and is safe. The cave is illuminated by several home-made oil lamps. There are scattered crates of varying sizes around here and there; some of the castaways are sitting on them. We can still hear the wind blowing, muted somewhat. The castaways have broken up into various groups. The camera pans across each of these groups.

(The Three Js and Quinn sit on the floor. They appear to be playing Spin the Bottle; theyíre laughing and smiling. The bottle spins and points to Quinn.

(Upchuck, Tiffany, and Andrea sit on smaller crates and are using a larger one as a table. They are playing three-handed bridge. They, at least, are smiling, even Andrea.

(Mystik Spiral (minus Trent) are fiddling with their broken instruments (Max has Trentís guitar), not playing, but trying to repair them. They look a little downcast, but at least they appear friendly.

(Trent is on a pallet next to them, asleep. Heís flat-out and face-down as heís usually seen, but at least this time all his clothes are on.

(Kevin and Brittany are billing and cooing next to them.)

BRITTANY: (sickening sweet) Oh, Kevvy! Letís never fight again!

KEVIN: Awright!

(Stacy is kneeling in front of Sandi, bandaging Sandiís leg.)

STACY: Itís only a sprain, not a break.

SANDI: Um, thanks for saving my life.

STACY: Oh, thatís all right. (Pause) Iím sorry I overreacted the way I did. I mean, about our chores.

SANDI: I know. Iíll try to do more.

STACY: I know.

(At the front of the cave, Jane has set up an easel and a canvas, both obviously home-made. Sheís started in on a painting, of the entire group as seen from her point of view. Sheís smiling.

(Next to her easel, and within her range of hearing, Daria and Tom sit together. Theyíre crouched behind a rock, leaning against it, backs turned on their fellow castaways. Tomís expression is depressed and gloomy.)

DARIA: Something wrong?

TOM: When I suggested you leave the others behind and come up here to live, I didnít think youíd bring the others with you.

DARIA: Well, things have a way of working out. At least thatís what my mother used to say.

TOM: Yes, and Iíll be forever grateful that theyíre not on this island with us.

DARIA: As are we all. (Pause. Daria smiles her "Mona Lisa" smile.) See how well everybodyís getting along now?

JANE: A common danger. Unites them in a way we never could.

TOM: But how long, I wonder, will it be until it wears off and theyíre at each otherís throats again?

(All three think about it for a few seconds.)

DARIA: After the storm dies down, two, three days.

JANE: Yeah. (Pause) I think we overreacted. I donít think weíll actually *go* that far.

DARIA: Mmm.

JANE: First thing Iím gonna do when I get back to my hut, Iím gonna erase that white line.

TOM: Thatís assuming your hut is still there when you get back.

JANE: (smiling) None of your mind games with me, prep-school toy boy. Iíll deal with what comes when it comes.

UPCHUCK: (shouting) Hey, Daria! We need a fourth for bridge!

DARIA: (rising to her feet) All right, deal me in.

 

 

SCENE 12: THE CLEARING.

(Stock shots of the storm, followed by stock shots of a beautiful sunrise.

(Cut to the clearing, the same one as opened this story. Things are a little messed up, with branches strewn about everywhere. Daria is again seated at the table, writing in a notebook.)

DARIA (V. O.): And if the storm taught us anything, itís that we have to get along with each other, no matter what.

(Mystik Spiral minus Trent comes into the clearing. Daria stops writing and watches them. They ignore Daria, but argue with each other.)

MAX: You suck!

NICK: No, you suck!

JESSE: You both suck!

(They leave. Daria writes in her notebook again.)

DARIA (V. O.): Or, at least, Iíve learned not to worry about it.

(Daria closes her notebook, and slips it in her jacket pocket. She leans back. From the other side of the jacket, she pulls out papers, which she unfolds. Itís the "Lawndale Sun-Herald" Arts section she was seen reading in Scene 7. Daria is smiling her little smile again.)

DARIA: Ah!

 

 

 

 

(closing credits --- same theme music)

(Shot of the entire group, gathered on a beach. Trent approaches, carrying firewood in his arms.)

"Well, this is the tale of our castaways, theyíre here for a long long time.

"Theyíll have to make the best of things, itís an uphill climb.

"Now, Daria, and Stacy, too, will do their very best

"To make the others comfortable in their tropic island nest.

"No cell phones, lights, or motor cars! Not a single luxury!

"Like Robinson Caruso, as primitive as can be.

"So join us here each week my friends, youíre sure to get a smile,

"From fifteen stranded castaways, here on Dariaís Isle!"

(Cut to the footage of an island silhouette from the opening credits. Superimposed: DARIAíS ISLAND.)

"---youíre standing on my neck."

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DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and the characters and settings from it are the property of MTV Networks / Viacom International.

"Gilliganís Island" was created and produced by Sherwood Schwartz, and was originally a Gladasya - United Artists Television Production, in association with the CBS Television Network. It is currently distributed in the US by Warner Bros. Domestic Pay-TV Cable & Network Features, a Time Warner Entertainment Company.

This parody of "Daria" and "Gilliganís Island" is copyright © 2001 by Robert Nowall. It is not intended to profit the author in any way, and may not be distributed without permission of the author. (That means please donít post or circulate this without getting in touch with me first.) For the time being, Robert Nowall can be reached at: RobtNowall@aol.com

"The Ballad of Gilliganís Island" was composed by Sherwood Schwartz and George Wyler, copyright © 1964, 1966 United Artist Music Co., Inc. All rights assigned to SBK Catalogue Partnership. All rights administered by SBK U Catalogue. It use here is satiric in nature and as such is protected by the court decision rendered in Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music.

Thanks to Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman, Wouter Jaegers, Ben Breeck, and everybody who wanted to beta read. Also thanks to everyone at the Paperpusherís Board who discussed Outrageous Crossovers, and without whose input I wouldnít have written this at all. Itís not a direct interaction between the casts of the two shows, but itís got enough elements of both in it.

Written 12/29/00 to 1/24/01

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