By The Excellent S
(A large pyrotechnics display goes off on a stage adorned with lights and large monitors. Pan around a large indoor stadium, where a wrestling ring is set up in the middle and a capacity crowd is roaring in anticipation and holding up cardboard signs. Some examples include 'Stacy Rowe - The people's champion', 'In Darkness I trust' and 'TAG says I just stole your penguin'. Cut to Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch sitting at a ringside table, wearing headsets)
O'Neill: "We are live from the Ultra Cola Arena in
Barch: "I don't need you to introduce me, skinny! Janet Barch and Timothy O'Neill at ringside for what should be an entertaining fight for all these blood-thirsty neanderthals in the crowd and around the world."
O'Neill: "Um... I don't think we should be mocking our audience, Janet. Beside, it's not like they're all men..."
Barch: "I'm just calling it like it is, Tim."
O'Neill: "With both LFC World Championships still vacant, 30 of the best and brightest warriors of the Lawndale Fighting Championship will participate in this over-the-top-rope battle royal. The winner will be receiving a mystery prize yet to be announced by LFC General Manager Angela Li."
Barch: "15 brainless men and 15 fantastic women will enter that very ring, and I just know that a woman will rise up and win it all!"
O'Neill: "Hm... Anyway, on that note, let's take it to our backstage interviewer Claire Defoe, who has two of our match participants standing by!"
(Cut to Ms. Defoe, standing in front of a bunch of lockers holding a microphone)
Defoe: "Thanks Timothy. Please welcome my guests at
this time, the reigning LFC Women's Tag Team Champions, Daria Morgendorffer and
(The crowd cheers as Daria and Jane enter the frame, each carrying large silver belts on their shoulder. Both are wearing satin boxing robes, Daria's in green, Jane's in red)
Defoe: "Daria, Jane, you both have just come off a brutal Falls Count Anywhere match last week against Sandi Griffin and Tiffany Blum-Deckler of The Fashion Club..."
Daria: "Excuse me, that wasn't a match. They just followed us to the Pizza King."
Jane: "We pinned them after throwing pizza at them. We never threw a punch! Honestly, I didn't even know they had brought a referee."
Defoe: "Anyway, tonight is the first ever Lawndale Rumble. 30 fighters, intergender rules and every man and woman for themselves. How does this affect the Tag Team Champions?"
Daria: "It doesn't. We've had problems with each other before..."
Jane: "Mostly over boys..."
Daria: "Oh no, my snarky image has been shattered. How will I ever recover?"
Jane: "Let out all that aggression by throwing people over some ropes?"
Daria: "That could work. Anyway like I was saying, things have happened, but we've always come out the other side, as bitter and jaded as ever."
Jane: "But, it is everybody for themselves. If it turns out that me and Daria are the final two in the match, I will not hesitate in trying to throw my amiga over the top rope."
Daria: "What she said."
Defoe: "Thank you for time, and best of luck to both of you. Back to Timothy O'Neill and Janet Barch at the commentary table."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "Interesting comments there from the LFC Women's Tag Team Champions."
Barch: "They can display all the team unity they like, it will mean nothing come match time."
O'Neill: "Speaking of team disunity, a few weeks ago we saw the metaphorical dissection of Stacy Rowe, as The Fashion Club brutally excommunicated her from the group. I still find this hard to watch."
Barch: "Even as a supporter of the group, I find it hard to condone their actions."
(Cut to footage of Stacy being attacked by Sandi, Quinn
(reluctantly), Tiffany and Tori
O'Neill: "Rowe was due to be a participant in tonight's Rumble, but this assault has left her with a Grade II concussion, and several fractured ribs. Her spot has been filled by a mystery participant."
Barch: "The Fashion Club are standing by with Diane Bennett."
(Cut to Mrs. Bennett, standing in front of a bunch of lockers holding a microphone)
Bennett: "Thanks Janet. Please welcome my guests at this time, The Fashion Club!
(The crowd boos heavily as Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany and Tori enter the frame. They are all wearing robes, bedazzled with feathers, sequins and diamonds. Sandi's is dark red, Quinn's is pink, Tiffany's is light blue and Tori's is purple. Quinn doesn't appear to be as happy as the rest of the group)
Bennett: "Sandi Griffin, leader of The Fashion Club, your thoughts..."
(Sandi grabs the microphone from Bennett's hands)
Sandi: "You've done your job, Bennett, now leave."
(Bennett walks off camera)
Sandi: "Standing before you is the most dominant force in the history of the grappling arts and sciences. Now that we have trimmed the fat, there will be no stopping The Fashion Club. I mean, just look at us. There's myself "The SENSATION... of the NATION"..."
(Sandi pauses and does a turn in her robe, the back of which reads "The Sensation of the Nation" in neat script writing. This causes the crowd to boo)
Sandi: "...Sandi Griffin. There's the high-flyer Tiffany Blum-Deckler, all style, flair and perfect hair..."
Tiffany: (slowly) "You know it."
Sandi: "...the enforcer of the group, "The Fabulous Firebird" Quinn Morgendorffer..."
(Quinn smiles at the camera, the first time she has the entire time on camera so far)
Sandi: "And our newest member, the irreplaceable "Miss Popularity" Tori Jericho!"
(Sandi invites Tori over, then they give each other air kisses on each cheek)
Sandi: "You could stayed among all this, Stacy. Too bad you no longer met the requirements of the club. I'd explain why in further detail, but I doubt you or any of these fat cows out there in the audience will understand."
(The crowd boos heavily)
Sandi: "The Fashion Club isn't for zeroes like Stacy Rowe, but for fashion heroes like us. Winners, not losers. At the end of the night, there will only be one person... er... I mean... GROUP standing tall. Us. Like we always say, The Fashion Club isn't a trend..."
(The Fashion Club put their hands on their heart. Quinn does so with very little enthusiasm)
Sandi: "...it's forever."
(Sandi drops the microphone to the ground and walks off, followed by Tiffany and Tori. Quinn stands alone, looking out into nothingness)
Sandi: (from off-screen) "Quinn? Are you coming?"
Quinn: (sighs) "Yeah, Sandi. I'm coming."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
Barch: "What's up with her?"
O'Neill: "I don't know, Janet. These last few weeks have seen a change emerge in Quinn Morgendorffer, and I just hope she gets her head in order one way or another before The Fashion Club do it for her."
Barch: "I know which way I'd choose."
O'Neill: "Back we go to Claire Defoe, who has Brittany Taylor and Kevin Thompson standing by!"
(Cut to the first locker room, where Ms. Defoe is standing with Brittany and Kevin. Brittany is wearing a blue and yellow camo version of her cheerleading attire, while Kevin wearing a black shirt, reading 'I'm the QB!' in large yellow letters, over his football gear. He too is carrying a large silver belt, similar to Daria and Jane's)
Kevin: "Sure thing, babe!"
Defoe: "Kevin, as one half of the defending LFC Men's Tag Team Champions with Michael Mackenzie, do you feel like you have a target on your back?"
Kevin: "No. Why, is there one on there?
Kevin: "Hey Ms. D, you're an artist right? Can you paint one on there? I think it would look cool!"
Defoe: "Maybe later. You two should probably get ready for the match now."
Kevin: "All right! Time to get fierce!"
(Kevin and Brittany walk off-screen, leaving Defoe shaking her head in disbelief)
Defoe: "Back to you, Timothy."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
Barch: "I swear that Kevin has more fingers than brain cells, Tim."
O'Neill: "He's definitely one of our more unique fighters here tonight. Let's go to our ring announcer, Anthony DeMartino, as we are set to begin the first ever Lawndale Rumble!"
Barch: "DeMartino, really? Was there no one else left?"
(Cut to Mr. DeMartino standing in the middle of the ring, holding a microphone and a bunch of palm cards)
DeMartino: "Ladies and gentlemen, it is now TIME for the Lawndale RUMBLE!!! The rules of the match as follows. Soon the match will begin with participants 1 and 2. Every 60 SECONDS afterwards a new person will ENTER the ring. ELIMINATION occurs when a person is thrown over the top rope and BOTH feet hit the floor. This process will CONTINUE until there is one person left in the match, and he OR she will be declared the WINNER!!!"
(The crowd cheers loudly)
DeMartino: "Now, let us find out the PARTICIPANT that drew number 1."
Entrant #1 - Andrea Hecuba-Thorne
(The crowd cheers as the lights go down into pitch black. This is followed by the playing of "Haunted" by Evanescence, Andrea's entrance theme)
DeMartino: "Introducing the participant that DREW
number 1... fighting out of
(A solitary spotlight follows Andrea as she makes her way to the ring, wearing an elaborate black trenchcoat. The lights come back up as she takes off the coat)
O'Neill: "Andrea Hecuba-Thorne, one half of The Dames of Darkness with Scarlett LeFaye, she is easily one of the most underrated, yet most beloved talents in this company."
Barch: "Yes, Andrea is just one breakout moment away from the big time, but she'll have to go from wire-to-wire to do it! Damn draw, I bet a man assigned the numbers..."
Entrant #2 - Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer, III
(The song stops as the crowd waits for number 2. They boo as "Love Rollercoaster" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Upchuck's entrance theme, plays)
DeMartino: "Introducing the participant that DREW
number 2... fighting out of
(Upchuck makes his way to the ring, wearing a fur coat, pimp hat and cane, as well as dozens of gold necklaces)
O'Neill: "Charles Ruttheimer III, not one of the most popular combatants here tonight."
Barch: "You're preaching to the choir, skinny! You have no idea how much joy it gives me that Upchuck is one of the first people in the match, and how much more joy it will give me to see Andrea pound his face into mush."
(Upchuck climbs into the ring, and takes off his entrance attire. The bell rings, signifying the beginning of the match. Andrea and Upchuck stand nose-to-nose)
O'Neill: "And we are under way, with Ruttheimer and Hecuba-Thorne not taking their eyes off each other for one second!"
Barch: "Look at the size difference! She must outweigh him by a good 5-10 pounds!"
O'Neill: "Keep in mind that Ruttheimer is one of the smaller competitors here tonight, so Hecuba-Thorne may not have the advantage for long."
(Upchuck tries to lift up Andrea for a slam, but he can't get her off her feet. As he walks away clutching his back, Andrea throws her arm out for a clothesline and knocks Upchuck to the ground)
Barch: "Upchuck is down! Get in there, Andrea! Kick his head in!"
O'Neill: "Please try to be impartial, Janet."
Barch: "No. Upchuck is getting his and I'm going to enjoy every bit of it."
O'Neill: "All right, I'll call the action then. Hecuba-Thorne throws Ruttheimer to the turnbuckles and is unleashing with the kidney punches."
(Andrea climbs up the turnbuckle and starts punching Upchuck in the head, with the crowd counting along with each punch. After the 10th, she jumps down and hits Upchuck with a elbow)
Barch: "Hecuba-Thorne is dominating in the early going of the match. I always knew that Ruttheimer was all bark."
O'Neill: "Could he be about to get some assistance, or will the pummelling continue? Our countdown clock has reached 12, and when it reaches 0, our number 3 entrant will come into the ring..."
Entrant #3 - Scarlett LeFaye
(The crowd gives a small cheer as "Hybrid Moments" by The Misfits, Scarlett's entrance theme, plays and the arena lights turn red. Scarlett (the girl with the ankh and the red devil-lock hair) is wearing a red hooded robe as her entrance attire, which she takes off at the top of the stage before running to the ring)
Barch: "Ha ha! It's Andrea's tag team partner, skinny! Upchuck is so dead."
O'Neill: "The other member of The Dames of Darkness, Scarlett LeFaye is one of this company's best kept secrets, a star just waiting to happen."
(Scarlett joins Andrea in pummelling Upchuck, as the lights turn back to regular)
Barch: "LeFaye joining in with the lefts and rights of her own on Ruttheimer."
O'Neill: "Hecuba-Thorne and LeFaye have very similar styles, and have used that chemistry very well to become one of the most formidable tag teams in Lawndale Fighting today."
(They begin to cheer louder as Andrea places him on her shoulders and Scarlett climbs up the turnbuckle to the top rope)
Barch: "Looks like they're going for Eternal Dame-nation, Tim!"
O'Neill: "Indeed they are. Once LeFaye flies off the top rope with the crossbody block, Ruttheimer will be easy pickings for the elimination!"
(Scarlett jumps off the top rope, turning horizontal to hit Upchuck in the upper body while Andrea falls backward, proving additional power to the move)
Barch: "They hit it! Now get him out of there, girls!"
O'Neill: "Wait a minute, they're eyeing each other down!"
Barch: "Come on, you morons! Get rid of Upchuck first and THEN fight each other!"
(Andrea offers a gloved hand to Scarlett, which she takes with little hesitation. The crowd cheers as they start exchanging blows)
O'Neill: "They knew coming in that it would be every person for themselves, and look at them go at each other! It's like they've been bitter rivals for years!"
Barch: "I don't know if they can read my lips from here, but I'll try... THROW... OUT... UPCHUCK!"
O'Neill: "The countdown clock is back, which means it's almost time for number 4..."
Entrant #4 - Jeffy Grey
(The crowd reaction is mixed as "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids On The Block, the entrance theme of The Three Js, plays. Jeffy slowly makes his way to ringside, but doesn't get in the ring)
O'Neill: "Jeffy Grey, the first of The Three Js to enter tonight's match, and he's taking his time getting into the ring."
(Finally, after a few seconds, Jeffy enters the ring. He tries to get in between Andrea and Scarlett, but instead they turn around and knock him to the ground)
O'Neill: "Now I really have to question his tactics there. Why would he get between two women like that?"
Barch: "Don't get me started on men getting involved with two women. We only have another 45 minutes of PPV time."
O'Neill: "Anyway Grey, the smallest and most agile of The Three Js, is trying to shake off these blows from The Dames of Darkness."
(Jeffy eventually ducks a double clothesline and hits both Andrea and Scarlett with a flying shoulder tackle, knocking them down. Upchuck is now back on his feet and joins in stomping the women)
Barch: "That's a disqualification, O'Neill! Why are they hitting them while they're on the ground?"
O'Neill: "All female entrants signed the waivers. General Manager Angela Li has ensured that these women will get equal pay to the men for competing in this match."
Barch: "Oh, so they get an extra 50 cents on their food stamps? Or maybe a free upsize at the Pizza King? Seriously, that Li is a tightass, she's a scrooge, and most of all, she's a cu..."
(The feed cuts out, replaced by a generic "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By" card. After a few seconds, we return to the match. Upchuck is paired off with Scarlett, Jeffy with Andrea)
O'Neill: "...opinions of Janet Barch are hers and hers alone. Ahem... please don't fire me. Oh look! Almost time for entry number 5..."
Entrant #5 - Guy Crawford
("Don't Ask Me" by OK Go plays Guy (the black-mulleted human taxi service from "Malled") to the ring. There is little reaction from the crowd)
O'Neill: "Here's an unknown entity for you. This is Guy Crawford, and he's making his PPV debut tonight having defeated Spike Rose in the last chance qualifier last week."
Barch: "Bony little guy, isn't he? Looks like the heaviest lifting he's ever done is picking up the phone."
(Guy enters the ring and hits Jeffy with a clothesline. Soon, he is hitting everyone in the match with clotheslines)
O'Neill: "What Crawford lacks in strength, he makes up with heart. He is probably one of the most reliable and ambitious guys on the roster."
Barch: "Probably the most gullible as well. Remember that short-lived alliance with The Fashion Club?"
O'Neill: "Every alliance with The Fashion Club is short-lived, Janet, and you know that."
(Guy attempts a double DDT near the ropes on Andrea and Scarlett, but they counter by lifting him up over the ropes and to the floor, eliminating him)
Elimination - Guy Crawford
Barch: "And the Dames take out Guy! 1 troglodyte down, 14 more to fall!"
O'Neill: "Indeed Crawford is our first elimination of the match, with an excellent counter-move by Hecuba-Thorne and LeFaye... and there's a huge boot to the face by Grey on Hecuba-Thorne!"
(The crowd boos at the cowardly attack. Scarlett looks concerned for her partner)
Barch: "Look out behind you, Scarlett!"
(Upchuck catches Scarlett by surprise and lifts her up and over the ropes, out the floor. Scarlett is eliminated)
Elimination - Scarlett LeFaye
Barch: "Dammit, Scarlett is out! And she was doing so good, too..."
O'Neill: "That is unfortunate for and Hecuba-Thorne, who has lost her only ally."
Barch: "She has more important things to worry about right now, like making sure she still has all her teeth."
(Upchuck and Jeffy lift up the semi-conscious Andrea and try to lift her over the ropes. They are struggling somewhat)
O'Neill: "Is this it for Hecuba-Thorne? Will her quest for Rumble victory end before we even reach participant number 6?"
Entrant #6 - Brittany Taylor
(The crowd cheers loudly as "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
Barch: "Ha ha! Look at DeMartino! He's having a fit!"
(Cut to DeMartino, who has his hands over his ears)
O'Neill: "That man has always had a problem with Cyndi Lauper and I can't for the life of me figure out why."
Barch: "Um... skinny? The match?"
O'Neill: "Oh... right. Be fooled by Brittany Taylor's innocent facade at your own risk. She is an expert in hand-to-hand combat as well as a master match strategist. It's like those are the only things she's good at other than cheerleading."
(Brittany climbs to the top rope and hits a drop kick on Jeffy, knocking him to the ground. She gets up and hits Upchuck with a high kick. Andrea, free from their grip, slumps to the ground, still groggy from Jeffy's boot)
O'Neill: "It's not like she's had no success at all, though. She has led The Cheerleader Squad to many tag team championships."
(Brittany pairs off with Jeffy, while Andrea finally gets back to her feet and pairs off with Upchuck)
Barch: "It seems that Andrea and Brittany have formed a loose alliance here. Good thinking."
O'Neill: "I agree. None of
(As Upchuck and Andrea struggle near the corner,
Barch: "Flashy offense by
O'Neill: "Speaking of which, number 7 is about to come into the match..."
Barch: "I said out, dummy! OUT!"
Entrant #7 - Tiffany Blum-Deckler
(The crowd boos heavily as "Vogue" by Madonna, the entrance theme of The Fashion Club, plays Tiffany out to the ring. She climbs into the ring, but then rolls back out, having forgotten to take off her robe)
O'Neill: "It's the first of 4 Fashion Club members taking part tonight. Coming in at lucky number 7, the always unpredictable Tiffany Blum-Deckler."
Barch: "Traditionally a master of the aerial game, she has had quite a few knocks to the head as of late, so she's started to adopt a slower, more methodical grounded offense."
(Tiffany gets in the ring and dives down behind Brittany, hitting her in the back of the leg with a chop block. She gets up, grabs her legs and applies a sharpshooter leg lock. Meanwhile, Upchuck and Jeffy are attacking Andrea with double-team moves)
O'Neill: "Blum-Deckler is really pulling back hard on
Barch: "There is definitely no love lost between those two. The wars that The Cheerleader Squad and The Fashion Club have had in the past are legendary."
O'Neill: "Wait a minute, Hecuba-Thorne is starting to fight off Ruttheimer and Grey!"
Barch: "Come on Andrea! You are woman, roar dammit!"
(Andrea hits Upchuck with a right, and
then Jeffy with a right. This goes on until Tiffany breaks the
O'Neill: "And a huge spear by Blum-Deckler!"
Barch: "That's what it looks like when hyphenations collide, skinny!"
(Tiffany motions for Upchuck and Jeffy to pick up
O'Neill: "It looks like Tiffany Blum-Deckler is imposing her will on this match, Janet."
Barch: "Clearly that's something that Sandi Griffin has taught her. Where possible, get others to do the dirty work."
O'Neill: "There's the countdown clock, meaning number 8 is on their way..."
Entrant #8 - Bob Rollins
(The crowd gives a decent cheer as "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones, Bob's entrance theme, plays him to the ring. He is wearing a leather vest adorned with small badges as his entrance attire, which he takes off before running to the ring. He stops, however, and instead lifts up the ring apron, pulling out assorted weaponry)
O'Neill: "It's the blue-haired barbarian Bob Rollins coming in at number 8. The soft-spoken, hard-hitting street fighter should do great in an environment like this."
Barch: "Damn right he's a barbarian! Just look, he's getting some toys to play with."
O'Neill: "Looks like we're about to get hardcore, Janet!"
(Bob picks up a kendo stick, and hits Jeffy on the top of
the head, knocking him down. He does the same to Upchuck (releasing
Barch: "Damn! Tiffany is going to need to exfoliate metal shards out of her face after this is over!"
O'Neill: "This is unbelievable. We said there was going to be no rules going into this, but never did we think things were going to get this extreme!"
(Tiffany picks up Tiffany and places an empty garbage can
over her head. She picks up a chair and hits the bin, while
Barch: "You can almost literally see her brain cells being scrambled right there!"
O'Neill: "With blows like that, she can't have very many left."
(Eventually, Brittany and Andrea drop their weapons and turn their attentions to Jeffy. Meanwhile, Bob has placed a steel chair on top of the fallen Upchuck, and has climbed to the top rope. The crowd is starting to chant "HEY HO LET'S GO")
Barch: "The crowd knows what he's going to do here!"
O'Neill: "He's going up top for the Blitzkrieg Bop!"
(Bob jumps off the top rope and hits the chair and Upchuck with a flying leg drop. He comes away holding his leg, as the move hurts him a bit)
O'Neill: "He's taken an insane risk by doing that, but it's hurt him as well."
Barch: "Who cares? He can handle it. Besides, Upchuck is hurt more."
O'Neill: "The ring is a hive of activity right now.
There is junk everywhere, we have
Entrant #9 - Jamie White
(The crowd boos slightly as "Hangin' Tough" plays again, heralding the arrival of Jamie into the match)
Barch: "Great. Another one of The Three Js. Um... what's the blonde one's name again?"
O'Neill: "This is good news for Jeffy Grey, as he is able to work with someone he can trust."
(Jamie gets in the ring, and almost instantly takes it to Brittany and Andrea. Eventually he is able to help up Jeffy and together they focus their attention on the still-down Bob. The others meanwhile are clearing the ring of weapons as they fight)
Barch: "Two of The Three Js, Jeffy and Jimmy, are targeting that leg of Bob Rollins."
O'Neill: "Rollins landed very awkwardly on that leg, and may not be in the match much longer. But he's trying to fight them off!"
(Bob tries his best to fight off Jeffy and Jamie, but Upchuck comes from behind with a kendo stick and hits him in the injured leg. Bob falls to the mat in agony)
Barch: "This Upchuck is like a cockroach. You just can't kill him!"
O'Neill: "I won't use those specific words, but Ruttheimer does indeed have an insatiable fighting spirit. Very hard to overcome."
(The fight has split into a brawl among genders. Brittany and Andrea are trying to send Tiffany over the top rope, while Jeffy, Jamie and Upchuck are all working over Bob's leg)
Barch: "Jeffy and Johnny with matching elbow drops, right to the kneecap! Wow, I almost feel sorry for Bob."
Barch: "I said almost! Worry about what you say before coming down on me, all right?"
O'Neill: "OK... Let's see... Good, we're a third of the way through the match now with the impending arrival of number 10..."
Entrant #10 - Jodie Landon
(The crowd gives a good cheer as "SOS" by Rihanna, Jodie's entrance theme, plays. Jodie has her hair tied up in a braid, which she pulls the hairband off of, shaking her hair loose as she runs down to the ring)
O'Neill: "Now here's someone who is expected to do well tonight, Jodie Landon."
Barch: "She was the No. 1 Contender for the LFC Women's World Championship before both the major belts were vacated, and one gets the feeling that she is sick of all her hard work going unrewarded."
(Jodie gets in and starts hitting everybody with clotheslines. First Upchuck, then Andrea, followed by Tiffany, Jeffy, Jamie and Brittany. Finally, she charges over to the ropes and hits one on Bob, sending him up and over the ropes to the floor. Bob is eliminated)
Elimination - Bob Rollins
O'Neill: "Landon with the mercy elimination, and with all due respect to Rollins, he needed to get out of there and get medical help."
Barch: "You won't get any disagreement out of me. I'm happy it's another man out of the match!"
(As a couple of referees assist Bob away from the ring, Jodie turns around and flattens Upchuck with a boot to the head)
Barch: "Yes! Eat that boot, Upchuck!"
O'Neill: "Landon is hitting anything and everything that moves!"
Barch: "Jodie is my favourite to win this thing as of right now."
(Finally, Tiffany slows down Jodie with a standing
crossbody. The match splinters off into three groups; Jeffy and Jamie v
O'Neill: "Phew! It's hard to keep up with all this action, Janet. I need my echinacea."
Barch: "Right... while you get that, we see that the countdown clock is ticking down for entry number 11..."
Entrant #11 - Joey Black
(The crowd boos as "Hangin' Tough" plays for the third and final time, heralding the arrival of the third J, Joey.)
O'Neill: "Joey Black is in at number 11, and that means all Three Js are in the ring right now."
(Joey enters the ring and joins his teammates in fighting Andrea. The combined strength of The Three Js is not enough for Andrea to overcome, and she is thrown over the ropes and out to the floor. Andrea is eliminated, and the crowd isn't happy)
Elimination - Andrea Hecuba-Thorne
O'Neill: "And that's Hecuba-Thorne out of the match, after one heck of a brave fight."
Barch: "Damn straight! It took 3 men to eliminate her, so if that doesn't prove that Andrea is for real, nothing will."
(The Three Js high five each other on a job well done, but are attacked by Brittany and Jodie)
Barch: "Go get 'em, girls! Show them you're more than just the things on the front!"
O'Neill: "You're crossing that line of impartiality again, Janet."
Barch: "Nuts to you, skinny! I'll spit on that line if I want to!"
O'Neill: "All right... I'll leave you alone. Just try to not be biased too much."
(Brittany and Jodie try to fight off The Three Js, but eventually
get crushed by sheer numbers. The Three Js start working over Jodie, while
Upchuck goes after
Barch: "That's 3 on 1, Tim! Try to justify that!"
O'Neill: "As morally corrupt as it is, it's perfectly within the rules of the match."
Barch: "I just hope that number 12 can help Jodie out of this. Anyone will do here..."
Entrant #12 - Kevin Thompson
("Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor plays Kevin to the ring, as the crowd goes nuts. Pyrotechnics go off behind him as he psyches himself up)
Barch: "Anyone except this clown."
O'Neill: "You said you wanted help, and here he is! Kevin Thompson, former quarterback and one half of the LFC Men's Tag Team Champions, is coming out to one amazing ovation!"
Barch: "I bet he doesn't even get the irony of using that song as his entrance theme."
(Kevin takes off his 'I'm The QB!' shirt and tries to get in the ring, but is having trouble and gets tripped up on the ropes, falling flat on his face. The Three Js jump on top of him)
Barch: "Bahahaha hahaha! What a dope!"
O'Neill: "Thompson isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's definitely one of the most powerful."
Barch: "At least Jodie is in a one-on-one fight now with Tiffany instead of an out-and-out mugging like before."
(Kevin worms his way off the ground and gives each one of
The Three Js a right hand. Then he runs over to Upchuck, and literally hurls
him off of
O'Neill: "Thompson is unloading with those trademark shoulder tackles on Ruttheimer!"
Barch: "You know, it's taking every fibre of my being to stop myself from getting up and giving both of them the business."
O'Neill: "I've seen you give the business. I don't think my scars have fully healed yet."
(Kevin hits Upchuck with one last shoulder tackle, before turning around and clotheslining both Joey and Jamie to the ropes. Jeffy charges at him, but Kevin lifts him up above his head)
O'Neill: "He's got Jeffy Grey right above his head! Are you kidding me?"
Barch: "Unmitigated brute strength! And he has no idea how to control it!"
(Kevin hurls Jeffy towards Joey and Jamie. The momentum sends ALL THREE over the ropes and out. The Three Js are eliminated, and the crowd are going insane)
Eliminations - Joey Black, Jeffy Grey and Jamie White
O'Neill: "UNBELIEVABLE!!! He's eliminated three men in one go! Thompson is a darn beast!"
Barch: "Joey, gone! Jeffy, gone!
(Kevin walks over to where Jodie is trying to eliminate
Tiffany and tries to assist.
O'Neill: "Oh no, they're having an argument now?"
Barch: "Brittany and Kevin have a real love/hate relationship with each other. They love each other one minute and hate each other the next!"
O'Neill: "Well, Thompson is the innocent party for once. He was only trying to assist Landon in trying to eliminate Blum-Deckler."
Barch: "I guess since he won't be allowed to do it, maybe entry number 13 can..."
Entrant #13 - Tori
(The crowd boos as "Vogue" plays for a second time. Tori strides out and strikes a pose at the top of the ramp, before taking off her robe and walking to the ring)
O'Neill: "For someone who declares themselves to be Miss Popularity, Tori Jericho sure is getting a hostile reception."
Barch: "They're just jealous. I mean look at her, she's a bombshell! She's a big hit at all the nightclubs she goes to."
(Tori finally gets to the ring and clubs Jodie in the back to free Tiffany)
Barch: "Look at that! Tori looking out for her Fashion Club teammate there. Now why didn't Stacy Rowe show that kind of loyalty?"
O'Neill: "Were you even watching that night? Rowe was loyal to The Fashion Club until the very moment they kicked her out!"
Barch: "Um... no I wasn't. I think Defoe was on commentary that night."
O'Neill: "That's right, she was too. Sorry. Anyway,
(Brittany grabs Tori and whips her into the ropes, hitting her with a dropkick as she comes back. Jodie manages to trip up Tiffany from the ground and locks in a heel hook. Meanwhile, Kevin is trying to eliminate Upchuck)
Barch: "Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll both go out at the same time."
O'Neill: "That doesn't look like it's happening. Ruttheimer has a tight grip on that bottom rope."
Barch: "Here comes Jodie and Brittany to help out! Get them both!"
O'Neill: "Fashion Club members
Entrant #14 - Jennifer "Burnout" Burns
(The crowd gives a loud cheer as "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience plays Burnout to the ring. She appears to be really spaced out)
O'Neill: "Here comes probably the most unorthodox fighter in tonight's match, the enigmatic Jennifer 'Burnout' Burns. She is all about high risk offense for big payoffs, and that excites a crowd like nothing else can."
Barch: "You know, Bing and The Spatula Man say they're mental in the morning. Well, Burnout is mental 24 hours a day!"
(Burnout climbs straight to the top rope and jumps off, hitting Tori with a senton bomb. She then runs to the opposite ropes, springboards off them and hits Tiffany with a moonsault. The crowd cheers her on, chanting "BURNOUT")
Barch: "Hit some men with that crazy stuff, girl!"
O'Neill: "You might get your wish, Janet! She has Ruttheimer in her sights!"
(Upchuck, who has crawled out his predicament and is resting in the corner, gets blasted by a spinning heel kick from Burnout)
Barch: "Boom! Crashing Burns right up in that filthy mouth of his!"
O'Neill: "Burns is definitely rolling here, Janet, but I just hope she conserves some of that energy for later in the match. She's got to last at least another 15-20 minutes to have any chance."
(Burnout goes down to the ground and starts working over
Barch: "Look at that scum, Tim. He's ganging up on those poor Fashion Club girls."
O'Neill: "He's helping Taylor and Landon! What's he supposed to do, eliminate himself on purpose?"
Barch: "Hmm... didn't think of that. That would be nice, and if he could convince Upchuck to do the same, that would be even better."
O'Neill: (sighs) "We're nearly at the halfway point of the match, with the arrival of entry number 15..."
Entrant #15 - Sandi Griffin
(The booing of the crowd almost drowns out the third playing of "Vogue". Sandi walks to the ring, an aura of contempt and arrogance surrounding her every step)
Barch: "To use an old wrestling saying, business is about to pick up here!"
O'Neill: "Here comes the unquestioned leader of The Fashion Club, Sandi Griffin, making her grand arrival into the match. She'd have to be one of the favourites... what are you doing?"
(Barch doesn't respond, as she is standing up and applauding Sandi as she takes off her robe and walks up to the ring. Tiffany and Tori, who have fought off Brittany, Jodie and Kevin, run over and sit on the middle rope, allowing Sandi to get in easier)
O'Neill: "Such sycophantic actions there by
Barch: "It's not sycophantic. They just know that Sandi has a better chance than they do at winning."
(The Fashion Club run over to Burnout and fling her off of Upchuck, who scurries out but is set upon by Brittany and Kevin. Sandi, Tiffany and Tori each take turns in working over Burnout with lefts and rights)
O'Neill: "Burns is in a world of trouble. The Fashion Club have managed to wear down the high-flying game."
Barch: "Indeed they have, and that is the kind of teamwork that The Fashion Club is famous for."
(Finally, Tori and Tiffany whip Burnout into Sandi, who drops a shoulder and back body drops her over the top rope and to the floor. Burnout is eliminated)
Elimination - Jennifer "Burnout" Burns
O'Neill: "And the fireball that is Jennifer Burns has been extinguished for tonight."
Barch: "I love where this is going. Who will stop The Fashion Club?"
(The match splinters off into three groups once more,
Barch: "Look at the energy of The Fashion Club! They have the upper hand right now!"
O'Neill: "Indeed they do as
Barch: "Isn't that a submission hold?"
O'Neill: "No it was the jumping DDT, I just saw it."
Barch: "Hmm... never mind. Not worth worrying about... Bam! Tiffany with a huge kick on Jodie!"
O'Neill: "Anyway, the countdown clock says that number 16 is on their way..."
Entrant #16 - Ed "The Head" Parker
("Man Research (Clapper)" by Gorillaz plays The Head to the ring. The crowd is nearly silent for his arrival)
O'Neill: "Ed Parker, one of our young developmental talents, takes us past the halfway point of the match at number 16."
Barch: "Not a lot is known about this guy, but he does like his comic books and old MTV cartoons."
(The Head climbs into the ring and goes after Upchuck. He gets a few punches in before he is set upon by The Fashion Club)
O'Neill: "The Fashion Club are like a pack of wolves here. Parker hasn't even had a chance to defend himself yet!"
Barch: "Serves him right for being a man."
O'Neill: "This is horrible luck for him. He's got a good future ahead, but he wouldn't have pictured the beginning of his career being like this."
(The Fashion Club and Upchuck lift The Head up and throw him over the top rope to the floor. The Head is eliminated)
Elimination - Ed "The Head" Parker
O'Neill: "And Ed Parker's adventures in the Rumble come to an abrupt end. I think he was very unlucky."
Barch: "I think he needs to spend less time in Self-Esteem class and more time in the gym."
(Upchuck is celebrating like he's won the Super Bowl. He tries to kiss Sandi, but she slaps him hard in the face. Tori and Tiffany do the same as he falls to the ground)
Barch: "Serves you right, Upchuck! Who knows what diseases live in those lips of his?"
O'Neill: "I don't know. You're the science teacher."
(Sandi, Tiffany and Tori do their "hand on heart" salute from their earlier interview, and soak in an absolute world of jeers from the crowd. Brittany, Kevin, Jodie and Upchuck are still down, fatigue starting to get to them)
O'Neill: "Nobody is standing except for The Fashion Club. You asked it a minute or two ago, who will indeed stop them?"
Barch: "Not one single person, skinny. Nobody. Number 17 will just be another victim..."
Entrant #17 - Quinn Morgendorffer
(Surprisingly, Quinn doesn't come out to "Vogue", but to "Just A Girl" by No Doubt. Even more surprisingly, the crowd cheers her arrival into the match)
O'Neill: "Do not adjust your TV set, that is indeed the sound of a Fashion Club member being cheered by our fans."
Barch: "They're finally starting to come around, are they?"
O'Neill: "I highly doubt that. Quinn Morgendorffer has been on the outer with the group since the night they kicked Stacy Rowe out."
Barch: "And coming out to her own music instead of The Fashion Club theme won't help."
(Quinn takes off her robe and gets in the ring. With the other opponents still down, she finds herself standing alongside Tiffany and Tori. Sandi points to each one of them, and then out to the entrance ramp)
O'Neill: "Is she seriously asking them to eliminate themselves from the match?"
Barch: "She is, and if they truly value The Fashion Club, they will do so and thank Sandi for the privilege."
O'Neill: "Never in all my days have I seen such blatant disrespect for the spirit of professional wrestling!"
(Tiffany and Tori turn around and climb over the top rope, to the floor and walk back up the ramp. Tiffany and Tori are eliminated)
Eliminations - Tiffany
Blum-Deckler and Tori
(Quinn, meanwhile keeps looking back and forth between the ramp and Sandi. She is unable to make up her mind)
Barch: "For God's sake, Quinn, move it! You don't want to make Sandi angry."
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer isn't like Blum-Deckler and
(Sandi marches up to Quinn, stares her down and yells "GET OUT OF MY RING" right to her face. Quinn, visibly distressed, turns around and throws a leg over the top rope, but then turns back and clobbers Sandi with a big right hand. The crowd metaphorically explodes)
O'Neill: "YES!!! YES!!! Morgendorffer has struck a
thunderous blow and sent
Barch: "No no no, you ginger-haired idiot! Can't you see that you're throwing your career away?"
O'Neill: "You should be cheering for Quinn! She's finally stood up as a proud, independent woman and broken away from the tyrannical reign of Sandi Griffin!"
Barch: "I can't watch this. Each punch she throws is another nail in the coffin."
O'Neill: "Well, honestly there's not a lot going on right now. I mean, Brittany and Kevin are making out in the corner."
Barch: "Really? In front of all these people?"
O'Neill: "And Jodie is dismantling Upchuck with knife-edge chops."
(Upchuck staggers to the ropes, while Jodie steps back looking for the elimination. She charges, but Upchuck pulls down the top rope, leaving Jodie to fly over it and to the floor. Jodie is eliminated)
Elimination - Jodie Landon
O'Neill: "And Landon is out! She was one of the odds-on favourites to win it all, and now she has to watch as another possible chance at an LFC World Championship goes down the drain."
Barch: "You can see it in her eyes. She wanted this so bad."
O'Neill: "As one entrant leaves, another one, number 18, will enter the match..."
Entrant #18 - Robert Korleski
("Why Can't We Be Friends?" by War plays Robert to the ring. The crowd gives some polite, if not quiet, applause)
O'Neill: "Here comes one half of Da Nice Guyz, Robert
Korleski. He and tag partner Ted DeWitt-
Barch: "Meh. He looks harmless enough, but I just know that he's a jerk underneath. All men are."
(As Robert walks down the aisle, he is suddenly attacked by the eliminated Jodie)
O'Neill: "What the... Landon is... what is she doing?"
Barch: "She's finally had enough of her hard work being unrewarded. That's what she's doing."
O'Neill: "I have never seen Landon like this... good mercy, she's thrown Korleski into the steel barriers!"
Barch: "You know, I dig this new Jodie Landon. She's finally embracing her inner warrior."
O'Neill: "She hasn't embraced any warrior! She's simply snapped!"
(Jodie throws Robert into the steel barrier over and over until she flings him head-first into it. The crowd is booing heavily and Jodie looks as if she couldn't care less as she walks out. As he is in no condition to enter the match, Robert is eliminated)
Elimination - Robert Korleski
O'Neill: "Korleski has been decimated, utterly decimated. He's unconscious, he's bleeding from the back of the head... we need EMTs out here and we need them now!"
Barch: "He can wait, we have more important things to worry about... look at Quinn go after Upchuck!"
O'Neill: "I guess I should be professional and call
the match... let's see we've got Thompson and Taylor trying to eliminate
Barch: "Love that move, too bad the person using it has made the wrong career decision."
(Brittany and Kevin whip Sandi into the ropes, but she counters by ducking their move and hitting a dropkick, knocking them both down. She then hits Quinn from behind with a clothesline. Meanwhile, Robert has been strapped to a stretcher and is being taken away from the ring)
Barch: "There we go! Finally
O'Neill: "Shot after shot right to the head of Morgendorffer!"
(Sandi stands up and arrogantly poses to the crowd, who boo her enormously in response)
Barch: "I think we're looking at the winner of the first Lawndale Rumble right there!"
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer, Thompson, Taylor and Ruttheimer are all down, and with Korleski being taken away by the EMTs, Griffin is the only one standing tall as we count down to entry number 19..."
Entrant #19 - Mystery Person
("Road Racin'" by Riot plays as a mystery person, wearing a white helmet and white racesuit, slowly makes their way to the ring)
Barch: "It's The Stig! But why the hell is he here?"
O'Neill: "Well, some say The Stig has the power to manifest itself in the fanfics of up to 4 other television series at any one time, but I don't think this is him."
(The mystery person gets in the ring and stands toe to toe with Sandi. Sandi motions for the person to take off the helmet. Instead, she gets headbutted, knocking her to the ground. The crowd goes bananas)
Barch: "Hey, that's not fair! That man is using his helmet as an illegal weapon!"
Barch: "Listen to this crowd! They are going insane!"
(Sandi is now bleeding from a small cut on her head. The mystery person picks her up and dumps her over the top rope to the floor, to loud cheers. Sandi is eliminated)
Elimination - Sandi Griffin
Barch: "Oh, no! The Fashion Club leader is out of the Rumble!"
(The mystery person then proceeds to jump over the top rope to the floor, hitting Sandi with a body splash. Mystery Person is eliminated)
Elimination - Mystery Person
O'Neill: "Our mystery entrant just eliminated themselves from the match as well!"
Barch: "What a moron. It could only be a man under that helmet."
O'Neill: "And he's not done with
(The mystery person lays into Sandi with more punches, before standing up, taking off the helmet and throwing it at Sandi. The crowd goes berserk as they see the mystery person revealed as Stacy. She has a black eye and is wearing a large bandage around her head.)
O'Neill: "IT'S STACY ROWE!!! Rowe is back, and is
coming down upon
Barch: "She's like a damn hellcat tearing into a piece of meat!"
(Stacy goes back to pounding Sandi's face in, her braids flailing wildly in the air. Eventually, she is dragged away, kicking and screaming, by 4 referees. Sandi is attended to by doctors, who pick her up and assist her away from ringside)
O'Neill: "Hell hath no fury like an angry Stacy Rowe. In the state of mind she's in, mess with her and it's your funeral."
Barch: "Great advice for any men in the audience who value their lives."
(Back in the ring, Brittany, Quinn and Kevin have finally thrown Upchuck over the top rope to the floor, but since all the referees were attending to Stacy, they couldn't see it and Upchuck gets right back in)
Barch: "HE WAS ELIMINATED! I saw his feet hit the ground with both freakin' eyes! What kind of bullshit company is this?"
O'Neill: "I saw it too. Unfortunately, our head
Barch: "Argh! Fuck this company."
O'Neill: "While my broadcast partner calms down, we see that number 20 will be here soon..."
Entrant #20 - Evan Johnston
("Lost Control" by Grinspoon plays Evan (the guy from the track team in "See Jane Run") to the ring. The crowd gives some boos, but are mostly quiet)
O'Neill: "Here is one of the fastest fighters in all of this company, Evan Johnston."
Barch: "And one half of The Track Stars with Siobhan 'Chipmunk' Hogan. Unfortunately she didn't qualify for the match tonight, so I guess we're stuck with this guy."
(Evan gets into the ring and starts attacking Kevin with punches and kicks. Meanwhile Brittany and Quinn are fighting Upchuck)
O'Neill: "I may not like the man, but this has been an impressive showing by Ruttheimer tonight. He has been in this match since the very beginning, you know."
Barch: "Don't remind me... he should already be gone! I'm sick of seeing his Howdy-Doody lookin' face. I'm sick of that stupid hair and I'm sick of seeing these girls not trying to eliminate him!"
(Evan whips Kevin into the ropes and jumps over him as he comes back, before hitting him with a jumping high kick as he comes back again)
Barch: "Ooh! That'll rearrange his face real good!"
O'Neill: "Very much so.
Barch: "Now he's lining up Quinn. I don't know which side to support here."
(Evan tries a roundhouse kick, but Quinn drops down and comes back up with an uppercut. Brittany then hits a running crossbody, before Kevin runs the ropes and hits a flying headbutt. While all the attention is on this, Upchuck goes out of the ring under the bottom rope (meaning he's not eliminated) and crawls under the ring)
O'Neill: "Excellent triple-teaming by Morgendorffer,
Taylor and Thompson! That is a sure-fire way to neutralise
Barch: "Wait a minute, where's that weasel Upchuck?"
O'Neill: "Well, he was being assaulted by Taylor and Morgendorffer a few seconds ago, but I don't recall him being eliminated. Well, eliminated again."
Barch: "Maybe he did us all a favour and eliminated himself to make up for that howler before. God, if that loved-up rat wins this thing I'm going to scream."
O'Neill: "We'll have to look further into this as number 21 comes to the ring..."
Entrant #21 - Dawn Harris
("Build It Up, Tear It Down" by Fatboy Slim plays as Dawn walks to the ring, wearing her signature headphones. She gets some polite applause from the crowd, although she probably didn't hear it)
O'Neill: "You talk about your difference makers, here comes one now! The largest female fighter in tonight's match, Dawn Harris."
Barch: "Dawn is the kind of woman who lets her actions do the talking for her, so good luck to anyone brave enough to try and throw her over the top rope!"
(Dawn calmly takes off her headphones, takes an iPod out of her pocket and hands it to a referee, before stepping into the ring. The others have stopped fighting each other and are eyeing the much larger Dawn)
Barch: "Look at them. They're awestruck by this gargantuan competitor."
O'Neill: "And here comes Taylor and Morgendorffer, charging with fists flying!"
Barch: "And Big Dawn just swats them away like a couple of mosquitos... ha ha, look at Kevin! He's going to try too!"
(Both Kevin and Evan try to knock down Dawn, but she doesn't budge. She grabs their heads and slams them together. Amazingly, Kevin doesn't fall down, but Evan slumps to the ground)
Barch: "That thick head finally came in handy for something! Now let's see how good it is at absorbing blow after blow."
O'Neill: "Harris whips Thompson to the turnbuckle and hits him with a huge running splash!"
Barch: "Where is Upchuck? He's missing out on all the beatings."
O'Neill: "Well, we found another camera angle that saw him go under the ring. Presumably he's still there."
Barch: "Send Dawn under there. She'll sort him out."
O'Neill: "As Harris fights Thompson and
(A huge cheer emanates from the crowd as "Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives, the entrance theme of Daria and Jane, plays Jane to the ring. Fire pyrotechnics go off behind her as she walks)
O'Neill: "And we have one of the big guns of the
Lawndale Fighting Championship making their way into the match, one half of the
reigning Lawndale Women's Tag Team Champions The
Barch: "An artist in and out of the ring, Jane has a huge opportunity to cement her legacy in this sport by being the winner of the first Lawndale Rumble."
(Jane takes off her robe and climbs into the ring, but is ambushed by Evan)
O'Neill: "No love lost between Lane and Johnston. Former allies during Lane's short-lived tenure in The Track Stars, now bitter enemies."
Barch: "Probably the right move to leave them in the end. Her career has skyrocketed since... Jane ducks the high kick and lifts him up from underneath!"
O'Neill: "She's got him in a scoop slam position!
(Jane turns around and hurls Evan over the top rope to the floor. Evan is eliminated)
Elimination - Evan Johnston
Barch: "Top-notch counter there by Jane gets the elimination! Now, find that Upchuck!"
O'Neill: "She might be a bit pre-occupied right now trying to eliminate Harris."
(Jane manages to get Dawn off her feet, but not very high. As she walks away holding her back, Dawn hits her in the back with a double axe-handle)
O'Neill: "Harris there with a clubbing blow to the spine of Lane."
Barch: "And now she's going to the outside? Maybe she'll drag Upchuck out from under the ring!"
O'Neill: "Notice that she went under the top rope, therefore she is not eliminating herself by doing this."
(Dawn looks under the ring apron for something, but eats a baseball slide from Quinn, which sends her reeling back into the steel barrier. Jane rolls under the bottom rope and stands up on the apron, looking over at Dawn)
O'Neill: "What is Lane contemplating here?"
Barch: "If I knew, I'd tell you but she's got big Dawn lined up!"
(Jane springboards off the ropes, flying back and hitting Dawn with a moonsault. The momentum makes the steel barrier collapse onto the ground, scattering the front row of the crowd)
O'Neill: "That's one way of trying to slay the giant! Lane with a huge offensive move there and they're both feeling the effects of it."
Barch: "Jane is famous for hitting big moves in big matches, but I hope this hasn't cost her as she still has a while to go yet."
O'Neill: "As Taylor and Thompson try to eliminate Morgendorffer, the clock tells us that number 23 is on their way..."
Entrant #23 - Corey Bateman
("Quiet" by the Smashing Pumpkins plays Corey to the ring. There is some booing from the crowd, but other than that, there is little reaction)
O'Neill: "The cunning Corey Bateman has snagged a great entry number into this match, and looks to be all business tonight."
Barch: "Honestly, this guy isn't so much a jerk as he is boring. I mean, there is nothing interesting about him, he's just... there."
(Corey gets into the ring and instantly starts throwing punches at Brittany and Quinn)
Barch: "Now he's definitely a jerk. Damn misogyny, beating up Brittany and Quinn like that."
O'Neill: "Look, do you hate Morgendorffer or not?"
Barch: "No I don't, I just think she's stupid for leaving The Fashion Club. Especially the way she did it."
(Eventually, Quinn and Brittany get the upper hand and whips Corey into the ropes. They hit him with a double leg sweep as he comes back)
O'Neill: "Great double-teaming by Taylor and Morgendorffer, knocking Bateman to the ground. And here comes Thompson with the exclamation point!"
Barch: "I bet he didn't feel a thing hitting that headbutt."
O'Neill: "Taylor and Thompson are both heavily
Barch: "I'd take my hat off to her if I was wearing one to start with."
O'Neill: "And Thompson has been in since number 12.
Barch: "Yeah yeah, whatever. Hey look, Harris and Lane are starting to stir among that rubble."
O'Neill: "We'll keep an eye on that situation and come back to it as soon as number 24 gets in the ring..."
Entrant #24 - Brooke Watkins
("Gold Lion" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs plays Brooke to the ring as the crowd gives some small applause. She is wearing a pair of heavy duty sports goggles over her eyes and nose)
O'Neill: "Here comes the perennial underdog of the women's division, Brooke Watkins."
Barch: "For the uninitiated, Brooke wears that facial guard in all her matches after a serious facial injury a few years back left her with a nasal relapse and 18 months on the sideline."
(Brooke gets in the ring and drops an elbow on Corey,
before charging over to
O'Neill: "Sound strategy there by Watkins, going to the most fatigued athlete in the match."
Barch: "That is true, but it won't be long until the tables turn. It will be a cold day in hell before someone outsmarts Brittany Taylor in a big match situation."
(Brooke lays into Brittany some more, until stopping and
dropping Kevin with a left hand. However, this small window of opportunity
O'Neill: "You can see her trying to guard that
medically-repaired facial area, but
Barch: "I know wrestling is her dream and such, but I don't see why Brooke doesn't just hang up the boots and walk away while she can still breathe through her nose."
O'Neill: "Finally Harris and Lane are back in the ring, and they're just throwing bombs at each other!"
Barch: "There are 5 people other than Dawn in that ring, and I doubt that any of them could get her out of it."
O'Neill: "Make it 6 other people, because the 25th entrant is on their way..."
Entrant #25 - Josh Carter
(The crowd is muted as Josh (the guy with the short blonde hair and blue jacket) makes his way to the ring, with "Back Round" by Wolfmother playing him in)
O'Neill: "Josh Carter, another underrated talent getting a chance at the big time tonight."
Barch: "More like another unnecessary talent. Are we out of men yet?"
(Josh gets in to the ring and tries to fight Dawn, who has knocked Jane down. He gets a few shots in before he's pushed away)
Barch: "Josh is going back for more? Does he have a death wish?"
O'Neill: "I doubt it, but he's only making her angry!"
Barch: "She's got him by the throat!"
O'Neill: "And here comes Bateman... he's caught with the other hand! She's choking them both!"
(Dawn lifts both Corey and Josh up off the ground and flings them over the top rope to the floor. Corey and Josh are eliminated)
Eliminations - Corey Bateman and Josh Carter
Barch: "That was one of the most awesome things I've ever seen, skinny! What strength! What power!"
O'Neill: "Harris is proving herself to be a near unstoppable force for both genders, Janet! This is definitely a breakout performance."
Barch: "Brooke's going to try her luck again by the looks of things."
(Brooke charges Dawn from behind, but gets hit with a spinning backfist, knocking her to the ground and cracking her protective faceplate)
O'Neill: "Good mercy did you hear that sickening crack? That was either her nose again or the face guard itself!"
Barch: "I think it's both. Look at the blood just pouring from her nose!"
O'Neill: "Watkins is in no shape to compete right now. I just hope Harris has the heart to just put her out of her misery now and stop the pain."
(Dawn picks up the limp and bloody Brooke and throws her over the top rope to the floor. Brooke is eliminated)
Elimination - Brooke Watkins
Barch: "Head EMTs Toni Morris and Leon Gibson are going to run out of room in the medical centre in the back if this keeps up."
O'Neill: "This match has been absolutely brutal on the bodies of all involved... just listen to this crowd cheer for Harris!"
Barch: "This crowd sickens me with their bloodlust. It has to be mostly men out there."
(As Brooke is helped from ringside by the EMTs, Dawn is attacked from behind by Quinn. She turns around, but then gets hit from behind by Jane. Soon, Kevin and Brittany join in and it's 4 on 1. They push her towards the ropes)
Barch: "They're all going to try and take out the giant together! It could be their only chance to get her out!"
O'Neill: "It doesn't look like it's enough right now, but help could be on its way with number 26 about to enter..."
Entrant #26 - Daria Morgendorffer
("Hate To Say I Told You So" plays again to a near deafening crowd reaction. Daria makes her way to the ring, with pyrotechnics going off behind her as she does so)
O'Neill: "The other half of the LFC Women's Tag Team Champions, Daria Morgendorffer comes out to a reception befitting a superstar!"
Barch: "And a superstar is exactly what she is. She was the first Lawndale Women's World Champion ever, and she's looking to become the first to hold both women's titles simultaneously. Winning this match will put her well on track to do just that."
(Daria takes off her robe, gets in the ring and runs over to the scrum of people trying to eliminate Dawn. She proves the difference maker, as they finally get Dawn over the top rope to the floor. Dawn is eliminated)
Elimination - Dawn Harris
O'Neill: "Big Dawn Harris is gone! Unbelievable teamwork there!"
Barch: "Morris and Gibson in the back can breathe easy now. They've finally stopped the rampage."
Barch: "Look who's finally decided to show his face again, skinny! It's that damn Upchuck."
O'Neill: "And Morgendorffer doesn't know he's behind her! He did this already to Scarlett LeFaye earlier in the match!"
(Upchuck grabs Daria from behind and pushes her into the ropes, but she holds on to them, using her momentum to bounce off and push Upchuck back. As he charges at her, she uses his momentum to throw him over the top rope to the floor. Upchuck is eliminated, and the referees saw every bit of it)
Elimination - Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer, III
Barch: "YES! YES! Upchuck is gone! Leave it up to Daria Morgendorffer to get the job done right!"
O'Neill: "And the referees saw the whole thing. No loopholes for Ruttheimer this time!"
Barch: "Finally the dopes in the stripes do their jobs! Now if Daria could only get rid of Kevin that would just be the icing on the cake."
O'Neill: "You might get your wish here, as she and
tag partner Lane are trying to eliminate him. But
Barch: "Quinn looks hesitant about joining the fight. Does she help or hinder her own flesh and blood?"
O'Neill: "Thompson close to going over, as the clock ticks down to the entry of the 27th participant...
Entrant #27 - Kristen Leung
("Miss Murder" by AFI plays Kristen (the Asian goth with the red fringe) to the ring. There are both cheers and boos from the crowd)
O'Neill: "Kristen Leung, our final female entrant, has come in with a great chance of stealing it all from lucky number 27."
Barch: "She won the last chance qualifier last week over Angel Ferrana, and like you said has lucked out with an awesome number. Wait... last female entrant? Ugh... that means there's three more men left..."
(Kristen climbs into the ring and starts hitting Quinn with kicks. She grabs her and whips her into the ropes, hitting a knife-edge chop as she comes back)
Barch: "Damn! Her chest is probably as red as her hair right now after that!"
O'Neill: "Leung is well-trained is an assortment of martial arts, and can hit with devastating precision on any part of the body. I think she is going to be one to watch in the future, Janet."
Barch: "We can watch the future later, Tim, but now we've got to watch the present! Kristen is going for something big off the top rope!"
(Kristen goes for a body splash but Quinn rolls out of the way and gets up. She runs the ropes and hits Kristen from behind with a chop block while Daria hits Kristen with a clothesline)
O'Neill: "High-and-low double team there by the Morgendorffer sisters and now they're staring each other down!"
Barch: "These two have never fought one-on-one before, but could that be all about to change now?"
O'Neill: "The Ultra Cola Arena is on its feet, clamouring for someone to throw a punch here!"
Barch: "Come on you two, start swinging or help out the others! Number 28 will be here soon..."
Entrant #28 - Ted DeWitt-Clinton
(The crowd gives a small cheer as "Why Can't We Be Friends?" plays for the second time. Ted walks out and slaps hands with nearly every fan who reaches out)
O'Neill: "The other member of Da Nice Guyz is number 28, and Ted DeWitt Clinton definitely appreciates the support that he gets from this crowd."
Barch: "Have we got an update on Robert Korleski yet?"
O'Neill: "Korleski reportedly suffered a concussion after that deranged assault by Jodie Landon earlier..."
Barch: "A simple yes would have been sufficient."
(Ted climbs in the ring and instead of fighting, he goes around shaking everyone's hand)
Barch: "What the hell? Is he here to fight or to socialise?"
O'Neill: "What can I say? He's a friendly guy."
(He comes around to Kristen, who just looks at his hand in confusion before slapping him in the face)
Barch: "Make friends with that, Ted!"
O'Neill: "Leung is all business tonight. With all due respect to DeWitt-Clinton, this is no time to try and make friends, especially so close to the end."
Barch: "Now she's taken him down to the ground and laying in with lefts and rights! Who knew Kristen could be so vicious when she needs to be?"
(Kristen gets up and tries to hit a jumping leg drop, but Ted rolls out of the way. Daria and Jane pick her up by the arms and hold her in place)
O'Neill: "The Freakin' Friends have some cruel intentions right now for Leung."
Barch: "Ted's lining her up for a big move here. Come on, girls, let her go and triple-team him instead!"
(Ted runs in and takes down Kristen with a spear. Daria and Jane cheer and pat him on the back. Suddenly, Ted pushes them from behind and tries to eliminate them)
Barch: "That sneaky little rat! I knew he'd pull a stunt like that eventually!"
O'Neill: "And now he's being surrounded by both Morgendorffers, Lane and Taylor! I think DeWitt-Clinton is in quite a bit of trouble."
Barch: "I think I'm going to enjoy this."
(Quinn drops Ted with a punch, knocking him down. Then all four girls start stomping him relentlessly)
Barch: "Look at those girls go! Stomping a mudhole in him and walking it dry and the crowd loves it! I love it!"
O'Neill: "The situation looks dire for DeWitt-Clinton, but luckily there may not be too much further to go. Here comes number 29..."
Entrant #29 - Michael "Mack" Mackenzie
(The crowd cheers as "Stronger" by Kanye West plays, with Mack making his way to the ring. Kevin noticeably perks up and starts cheering in the ring)
O'Neill: "It's the other half of the LFC Men's Tag Team Champions, the always popular Mack Mackenzie. Boy, doesn't he look pumped for this one!"
Barch: "How that man puts up with having Kevin Thompson as a tag partner is something even I can't understand."
(Mack gets into the ring and is embraced by Kevin. Mack is confused)
O'Neill: "I don't think Mackenzie was expecting Thompson to get all bromantic all of a sudden."
Barch: "Bromantic sounds so strange coming out of your mouth."
O'Neill: "I know. Do the kids these days still say that?"
(The girls clear off of Ted, allowing Kevin to pick him up. He whips him into the ropes, allowing Mack to hit a spinning spinebuster as he comes back)
O'Neill: "Mack Attack on DeWitt-Clinton! That will certainly have taken him out of this one."
Barch: "Now we just need both of them, as well as Kevin and the guy coming at number 30 to walk out of here and everything will be perfect."
O'Neill: "It looks as if one of them will be going!"
(Mack and Kevin pick up Ted and throw him over the top rope to the floor. Ted is eliminated)
Elimination - Ted DeWitt-Clinton
O'Neill: "We're getting close to the end of the match here, as we are down to a single digit number of participants left."
Barch: "Look at this. We have Daria, Quinn,
O'Neill: "Let's not forget this man. He will be the 30th and final participant in the Lawndale Rumble, and he makes his entrance in mere seconds..."
Entrant #30 - Dewey "Shaggy"
(The crowd cheers as "I Choose" by The Offspring plays. After about 20 seconds, Shaggy finally ambles out and starts walking to the ring, wearing his usual expression of deep contemplation)
O'Neill: "The cult favourite Dewey 'Shaggy'
Barch: "You'd think he'd be more excited considering he's the last person in, but he's probably hepped up on goofballs like usual."
(Shaggy takes off his sunglasses and gets into the ring. He joins in the all-in brawl that had broken out and, one at a time, he knocks down the other participants with punches and clotheslines)
O'Neill: "Look at
Barch: "Shaggy is on fire right now, but I'd like to see his hopes of victory go up in smoke. If you know what I mean."
O'Neill: (sighs) "If he really did any of that, he wouldn't be in this company, would he?"
(Shaggy grabs Kristen and throws her over the top rope, but she lands on the apron. He tries to hit her with a clothesline, but she ducks. Then as she comes back in the other direction, Shaggy connects and sends her flipping to the floor, where she lands face-first. Kristen is eliminated)
Elimination - Kristen Leung
O'Neill: "Dear Lord what a powerful clothesline! That turned Leung inside out!"
Barch: "Morris and Gibson better get another bed ready, because that was nasty. Ugly and nasty."
O'Neill: "Oh, boy... look who's waiting behind him."
(Shaggy turns around and finds Mack and Kevin standing menacingly (at least Mack is) in front of him. Shaggy tries to clothesline them both, but Mack and Kevin grab an arm and lift him over the top rope, before dropping him to the floor. Shaggy is eliminated)
Elimination - Dewey "Shaggy"
Barch: "How long did Shaggy last there, skinny? Around about 4 minutes, 20 seconds is my guess."
O'Neill: "Just over a minute by my estimations... Wait a minute!"
Barch: "I know..."
O'Neill: "Not that! That! The Three Js are back and they're attacking Mackenzie and Thompson!"
(The eliminated Joey, Jeffy and Jamie are back in the ring, stomping down Mack and Kevin. Brittany tries to make the save, but gets a slap in the face from Jeffy, knocking her down. They all pick up Kevin, with Joey and Jeffy holding his neck and Jamie his legs, and hit him with a facebuster/neckbreaker combo)
O'Neill: "Oh no. They've hit the Dooms-J Device on Thompson!"
Barch: "I'd never thought I'd be sticking up for Kevin, but this is disgusting conduct by The Three Js! This has to be met with sanctions and heavy fines by General Manager Li, surely!"
O'Neill: "And there's another Dooms-J Device on Mackenzie. I agree with you 100 percent on that, Janet."
(The Three Js pick up the broken bodies of Kevin and Mack and dump them over the top rope to the floor. Mack and Kevin are eliminated, and the crowd is booing and throwing rubbish at the ring)
Eliminations - Kevin Thompson and Michael "Mack" Mackenzie
(The Three Js taunt Kevin, Mack and the crowd before leaving and walking up the ramp, having committed their dastardly deed)
O'Neill: "Now that's ridiculous! The Three Js had no right being out here and they have screwed over the Men's Tag Team Champions!"
Barch: "I hate to change the topic, but we're down to the final four. And guess what? They're all women! This is the greatest day in the history of wrestling!"
(Daria, Quinn, Jane and Brittany, retreat to a corner for a chance to catch their breath)
O'Neill: "This crowd is going off right now! So close to the end and all these women will be worthy winners if they manage to do it."
Barch: "You're not wrong. You have Brittany Taylor,
who has shown massive intestinal fortitude in being in for pretty much the
entire match. You have
(Brittany squares off with Daria, while Jane squares off with Quinn. Jane and Quinn maintain even footing, but Brittany hits Daria with her finisher, a spinning neckbreaker)
O'Neill: "But here comes
(Jane hits Brittany's legs, making her fall into a side
split position on the top rope. She maintains her balance, but Jane hits her
from behind with a drop kick, sending her over the ropes and to the floor.
Elimination - Brittany Taylor
O'Neill: "The dream run of Brittany Taylor is over and we are down to three!"
Barch: "Quinn has the odds stacked against her here big time. She is going up against not only the Women's Tag Team Champions, but her own sister."
O'Neill: "And Lane is the first to blink, she's going right back after Quinn Morgendorffer!"
(Jane and Quinn brawl for a bit, until suddenly Tiffany and Tori start making their way down to ringside)
O'Neill: "What's with all these interruptions all of
a sudden? Now we have Blum-Deckler and
Barch: "And they're glaring a hole right through Quinn, the traitor of The Fashion Club."
O'Neill: "There's a Quinnception to Lane, but we have a bigger story developing right now."
(Tiffany and Tori get into the ring and stare down Quinn. Suddenly, Tori pulls out a can of hairspray and sprays its contents right into Daria's face)
O'Neill: "The Fashion Club have just sprayed Daria in the face with that can of hairspray!"
Barch: "She has enough trouble seeing with those contact lenses as it is, but now she's completely blind and stumbling around trying to find something to hold onto!"
(Daria, in her blinded stupor, clutches at a body and hurls it over the top rope to the floor. Unfortunately for her, it's Jane. Jane is eliminated, and by her own tag team partner)
Barch: "What the... Daria has eliminated her tag partner! We are down to two!"
O'Neill: "I surely think that she didn't mean to. She was blinded by that hairspray for crying out loud! But what's happened has happened and now the Morgendorffer sisters have no choice but to fight each other now."
Barch: "You can feel the intensity from here, Tim! This is a moment to remember for all time."
(As Daria recovers, Tiffany and Tori leave the ring without so much as a punch thrown in anger towards Quinn. Daria gets up and wipes her eyes with her shirt. She and Quinn then both start circling each other in the ring, not taking their eyes off the other for one moment)
O'Neill: "The Morgendorffers are both third-generation wrestlers. Their paternal grandfather was the legendary Mad Dog Morgendorffer, possibly the most vicious and barbaric wrestler in history. Their father is Jake Morgendorffer, one of the most gifted grapplers of his time. Their mother is the great Helen Barksdale, one of the pioneers of modern women's wrestling. Daria was the first LFC Women's World Champion and held that belt for over 2 years, as well as being one half of the current LFC Women's Tag Team Champions. Quinn has yet to win a world title, but has multiple tag title reigns under her belt as part of The Fashion Club. Wrestling is in their blood, Janet, and now these two sisters have only each other left in the way of their quest to win the first Lawndale Rumble!"
Barch: "Well, Daria's already eliminated her best friend and tag partner so this should be a piece of cake."
(Daria is the first to attack, running the ropes and hitting Quinn with a shoulder. Quinn barely moves. She then runs the ropes herself and hits Daria with a shoulder of her own. Daria absorbs the blow)
O'Neill: "Neither sister is giving an inch right now!"
Barch: "Now they both run the ropes and... knock each other down with a clothesline at the same time! These two are that evenly matched right now!
O'Neill: "Both Morgendorffers are down, but it looks like Quinn will be the first one up."
(Quinn picks up Daria and whips her into the corner. She runs over and lifts her up onto the turnbuckle, then stands on the bottom rope)
Barch: "Oh dear God, is she going for a superplex?"
O'Neill: "If she hits this, it's as good as over for Daria Morgendorffer."
Barch: "Daria is doing her damndest to not go over here!"
(Quinn tries for a superplex, but Daria uses her leg to block the move. She starts hitting Quinn in the stomach until she manages to lift Quinn up herself briefly. Daria lifts her up high and jumps forward, hitting Quinn with a sitting powerbomb. The crowd begin to chant "HOLY SHIT")
O'Neill: "OH DEAR LORD WHAT A COUNTER!!! A SPLENDORA BOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!"
Barch: "We've seen her use that suplex lift into a powerbomb to win many matches in her career, but I swear that's the first time she's done it off the top rope!"
O'Neill: "This match has taken nearly everything out of both of them! Which one will have the heart, the desire, to overcome the pain, to fight through it all and achieve immortality?"
(Daria is up first, but is struggling maintain her balance. She falls to one knee briefly, but picks up a limp Quinn and lifts her onto her shoulder. Daria goes to dump her over the top rope, but at the last possible moment, Quinn uses her legs to hook Daria around her neck and fling her over the rope as well. Both go over, but Quinn hangs onto the ropes. Daria hits the floor with a thud. Daria is eliminated)
Elimination - Daria Morgendorffer
(The crowd metaphorically explodes. The bell rings, signifying the end of the match, and Quinn is overcome with emotion as she realises that she just won. As "Just A Girl" starts up, DeMartino stands up with his microphone)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNER of the
Winner - Quinn Morgendorffer
O'Neill: "QUINN MORGENDORFFER HAS WON THE
Barch: "I've never seen anything like it ever in my life! Quinn Morgendorffer may have made the dumbest decision of her life by turning her back on The Fashion Club, but for now she has hit the jackpot and won herself a grand prize! I hope."
O'Neill: "Her sister Daria is giving her a round of applause as she leaves the ringside area."
Barch: "They may not have the greatest relationship ever, but Daria knows to give credit when credit is due. Excellent sportswomanship."
(As Daria leaves to the ringside area, "Hail To The Chief" begins to play, and Ms. Li comes down to the ring to a chorus of boos. She is holding a briefcase and a microphone)
O'Neill: "Speak of the devil, here comes LFC General Manager Angela Li."
Barch: "I hope there's something good in that briefcase."
(Li gets into the ring and shakes Quinn's hand)
Li: "Congratulations Ms. Morgendorffer! You and the other 29 competitors captivated this crowd and a worldwide PPV audience with a classic match!"
(The crowd cheers, as Quinn blushes)
Li: "Now, onto your winnings. I waited until after the match to decide what the prize for winning should actually be. I had been going back and forth about this from the very moment this show was announced but now I have come to a decision. As you all know, both LFC World Championships were vacated recently due to circumstances beyond my control. But I have plans to fill those vacancies, starting tonight."
(Li opens up the briefcase and shows it to Quinn. Her eyes light up with delight)
Li: "Which is why, for your valiant performance tonight, I present you, Quinn Morgendorffer, with the LFC Women's World Championship!"
(The crowd roars with approval as Quinn takes a large gold belt out of the briefcase and raises it above her head in triumph)
Barch: "Wow. Li actually came through with something good for once."
O'Neill: "I'm pleasantly surprised as well, but this is amazing for Quinn Morgendorffer. She becomes the 5th member of the famous Morgendorffer wrestling family to win a World Championship, and she couldn't be happier!"
Li: "Congratulations again, Ms. Morgendorffer, and I look forward to seeing how you fare as World Champion, especially as we head towards "Is It 'Mania Yet?" in a couple of months time. A round of applause please for Quinn Morgendorffer!"
(The crowd loudly cheers as Quinn stands up on the turnbuckle and raises the championship belt above her head. As Li leaves the ring, "Just A Girl" starts up again and pyrotechnics go off high above the ring)
Barch: "What an amazing night of wrestling. I came in here not sure on how to react to it, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. And a woman won it all!"
O'Neill: "I did too. She'll have to work hard to keep that belt though, and I'm sure there will be no shortage of challengers."
Barch: "Certainly. I mean, Sandi Griffin will already be in Li's office demanding a title shot."
O'Neill: "Anyway, that about wraps it up for tonight. For my broadcast colleagues Diane Bennett, Claire Defoe and Janet Barch, I am Timothy O'Neill saying good night from the Ultra Cola Arena, where Quinn Morgendorffer has won the first Lawndale Rumble and her first LFC World Championship!"
(Quinn walks back up the entrance ramp, slapping hands with fans reaching out over the barriers. She stops at the top of the ramp, turns back to the ring and raises the belt one more time with a huge smile on her face. Fade to black)
The names Brooke Watkins, Dewey 'Shaggy' Rogers, Jennifer 'Burnout' Burns, Robert Korleski, Scarlett LeFaye and Tori Jericho originate from fics written by authors other than myself. No harm was intended by my use of these names.
All pre-existing Daria characters, locations and products are trademarks of MTV Networks and Viacom International. All other characters, locations and products were created by me and are completely fictional. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, by any of my fictional characters is unintentional and purely coincidental. This parody of Daria is copyright (c) 2011 by The Excellent S and was written with no intentions for future profit. This parody was written for www.outpost-daria.com and may not be redistributed or reposted on any other website without the permission of the author.
Special thanks to Martin Pollard for hosting this story at his website and to Aloysius, Charles RB, Chris Tucker, CR85747, Dark Kuno, Doggieboy, Gregor Samsa, Kristen Bealer, LadieT, NightGoblyn, Pumpkin Panic, thatLONERchick and VPrad at The Paperpusher's Message Board for their feedback.
If you would like to send some feedback and questions about this or any of my other Daria projects, please contact me at the PPMB.
NO REGION 4 DARIA DVD SET, NO PEACE
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