JUST
This plot is recycled.
These characters are recycled. Enjoy
EST. SHOT of
CUT TO:
Jane
and Daria walking the halls on Lawndale High, discussing the possibility of
early senility
JANE
All I'm saying is that you
could be one of those crazy cat ladies
DARIA
No, cats are inherently evil
in my view. Anything that throws up in your boots is evil.
JANE
So if you got drunk one night
and threw up in your own boots, what would that make you?
DARIA
That would make me your
deluded fantasy where I marry
Jane
turns to Daria after a pause
JANE
(Pointedly)
You've been reading my journal
again, haven't you?
DARIA
Yes, and by the way, I don't
think that writing 'Mrs Jane Costello' over and over again can be considered
sane. Besides, what would happen if Elvis Costello and Trent met?
JANE
My guess is a new breed of
quiet hipster thrash metal
DARIA
A 'new' breed?
JANE
Fine. Back to our original
point, what if you just got a snake?
DARIA
Just the one?
JANE
You'd start out with one, but
then gather more. You'd call them your babies. Then you could sit on your front
porch in a rocking chair, with a snake coiled around a shotgun. In time the
neighbourhood kids will dare each other to touch your fence.
(Long
pause)
DARIA
Is it wrong that I can
actually visualise that?
Daria
and Jane pass the girls bathrooms, where Quinn runs out panicked and covering
her eyes.
Quinn
runs past Daria and Jane
JANE
Uh-Oh, I think somebody mixed
shimmer with sheen.
DARIA
No, I know that look. It
definitely means she's seen something grotesque.
JANE
As I said, somebody made a
fashion faux-pas
JANE
Ah, I think we just found the
source of our heroine's disgust.
Kevin
pokes head out of girl's bathroom in looks in direction of departing
KEVIN
Wait! Babe!
DARIA
I think we just found the
source of everyone's disgust
Kevin
regards Jane and Daria
KEVIN
Uhh...Like, do any of you two
know Quinn Morgandorffer?
JANE
To know her is to loathe her
DARIA
Even though we share the same
last name, house and parents, I can safely say that I do not know Quinn Morgandorffer...
KEVIN
Uhh...cool. Because...whatever she
tell you is a dirty lie
JANE
Dirty lies spring from dirty
things
Daria
looks coldly at Jane
JANE
I know. Even I'm surprised I
went there
CUT TO:
INT. MORGANDORFFER KITCHEN. DAY
Helen
is on the phone when Quinn bursts into the house and runs upstairs
HELEN
Oh My. Eric, I'll have to call
you back...no I don't know when... (Agitated)...No
I can't give you an estimate!
Helen
hangs up phone and departs for Quinn's room
CUT TO:
INT. QUINN'S ROOM. DAY
Quinn
is frantically re-arranging her wardrobe when Helen knocks and enters
HELEN
What are doing sweetie?
Quinn
is startled by the knock
QUINN
Going through my wardrobe
because it helps me relax and sometimes I just need to relax because there's
only so much one freakin' girl can see without wanting to go a little crazy!
Helen
is taken aback by Quinn's outburst
HELEN
Can you tell me why you're
home so early?
QUINN
Why are you home so early huh?
HELEN
(Nervously)
Well,
me and your father take an hour off work once a week, to, uhh, do mommy and
daddy things.
(Quinn
begins to look apprehensive)
QUINN
What kind of mommy and daddy
things?
The
sound of a car pulling up the residence, followed by the opening of the front
door is heard
JAKE
From
downstairs
Choo-Choo! I'm home! Warm up
the fudge!
HELEN
(Panicked)
We...uh...eat
Ice-cream, with lots of fudge.
Footsteps
on the stairs are heard, followed by Jake popping his head into Quinn's room
JAKE
Choo-Choo, there you are!
We've only got a couple of hours before the kids (noticing Quinn) Hi-ya kiddo! What are you doing back so early from
school?
QUINN
I don't want to talk about it
HELEN
Why not? You know that we love
you and that we're here for you honey
QUINN
I don't think that I can say
it
HELEN
What if you whispered it to
me?
QUINN
I...guess I can do that
Quinn
whispers in Helen's ear, and Helen is horrified with what she is hearing
HELEN
They did what!? Where!?
CUT TO
INT. MS LI'S OFFICE. MORNING
Ms Li
is on the phone while members of the faculty are gathered in her office
MS LI
Yes, naturally I understand
your concern, and I can assure you that action will be taken on the matter at
hand...Yes, I do believe it is a most vile situation...Whereas I do regret the
situation, I can not compensate before the matter is fully investigated...okay
then, good day.
Ms Li
hangs up the phone
MS LI
Okay, we've got to take charge
of this situation before it gets worse. This is the type of shenanigan that has
'lawsuit' written all over it. Okay people, brainstorm.
MR DEMARTINO
Why don't we just suspend the
two idiots?
MS LI
Out of the question Mr
Demartino! We have the big game with Oakwood coming up this weekend!
MS DEFOE
Well we've got to do
something! I hate having my class interrupted while Kevin completes a 'high
five' lap of the class.
MS BARCH
If I had my way, we'd castrate
him. It's always the filthy man's fault. One minute he's sweet, holding your
hand in the bowling alley, and taking you for long walks along a moonlit beach,
the next minute he's asking where breakfast is. (Ms Barch begins to shake angrily) Before you know it, you've given
the best years of your life to a man who you hope can recapture some of the old
magic, but no, he leaves you with no money and a stack of dishes waiting to be
washed!
MS LI
Ms Barch, please get a hold of
your self! We're trying to find a solution that would make all the lawsuits
disappear, not multiply. What we need is a solution that is cost-effective, but
shows that we care about the parents concerns.
MR O'NEILL
What if we were to set-up one
on one counselling sessions for those who were affected by...the incident?
Somebody has to see that these young and fragile minds are not scarred forever
against the idea of love, as well as its more physical manifestations.
MS LI
Mr O'Neill! What we need is
not to heal them, what we need is to avoid lawsuits! We need to make sure that
this never happens again! We need to show the little monsters the consequences
of such lewd conduct! We need to show the parents that we are in control, and
repeat performances will not happen again! At least not in the hallowed halls
of Lawndale High
MS DEFOE
(Quietly)
Excuse
me Angela, don't we already do Sex Ed?
MS LI
Well, we may do it, but
apparently showing them pictures of various STD's hasn't slowed them down
MR O'NEILL
Well what could be worse than
an STD?
CUT TO
INT. DAY. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-LAWNDALE HIGH
Ms
Barch stands at the front of the classroom, behind her, the classroom reads
'Unplanned Pregnancy Week' in bold capital letters. Daria and Jane sit in
class, with Daria with her head on the bench
DARIA
I'd lift my head, but I'm
afraid the stupidity would get to me
JANE
There there, Daria. You're
going to have to get used to the stupidity if you want to be a functioning
adult
DARIA
Can't I just be an emotionally
unbalanced adult like everybody else?
Ms
Barch begins to speak
MS BARCH
Now, as part of 'Unplanned
Pregnancy Week' you're going to experience life as a teenage mother or father
DARIA
Can't I just give you all my
money and call it even?
MS BARCH
You're going to be taking home
a baby doll that is designed to be as realistic as possible. You'll be feeding,
changing and trying not to kill them.
JANE
What about selling them on the
Thai black market?
MS BARCH
They are implanted with
security devices that send data back to our computer, which means that if you
neglect them, we'll know about it, and for this week, they can't be turned off.
DARIA
What if it's an emergency?
MS BARCH
What sort of emergency?
DARIA
What if, because of their
constant crying, you lose the will to live? It would be best to turn them off,
lest we have a teenage suicide prevention week.
MS BARCH
I like the way you think, but
no, you can't turn them off. Who knows, maybe this little experiment will make
some of you think twice before letting a man debase you.
JANE
Better than a Kangaroo
molesting you
MS BARCH
Now, I'm going to have to pair
you up. Kevin and Brittany.
Kevin
and Brittany walk up to the front of the class
DARIA
I seriously doubt the system
that would let DD and QB go home with a baby, no matter how fake it is
JANE
What are you talking about?
The fake-ness of the child perfectly reflects their personality
DARIA
Yeah, but no baby should be
able to outwit their parents
MS BARCH
Now, since it was you two that
started this whole mess, I'm increasing the crying frequency on yours.
KEVIN
Aww Man!
MS BARCH
Quiet you man!
We were just showing our
passion for each other, is that such a crime?
DARIA
It is if you're Mark David
Chapman
MS BARCH
It's enough to force me to
come in early to work to set up this whole thing, so you will take your doll
and you will love it. Next, Daria and Jane
Daria
and Jane look at each other quizzically before moving to the front of the class
Ms
Barch hands Daria and Jane a doll
MS BARCH
You two drew the short straw
JANE
Well, this is certainly going
to fuel those rumours about us
DARIA
The homicidal maniac rumours
or the gay rumours?
JANE
I'd like to think both
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY. DAY
Daria
and Jane are walking down hall, awkwardly holding baby and 'caring parent' pack
DARIA
Don't worry, I'll download
some software off the internet so we don't have to take care of the thing
JANE
And I'll take care of it in
the meantime, because I'm good with kids
DARIA
Because deep down, you're just
a big kid inside, aren't you?
JANE
You've really got to stop
reading my journal
DARIA
No, you've got to start
locking it. There's a difference
The
baby starts to cry
DARIA
Hmm
JANE
What?
DARIA
You know, if you close your
eyes and imagine, it kinda sounds like a Mystik Spiral song
JANE
Actually, I think a baby
crying was the backing track for 'Confessing my Adult Angst'
DARIA
You say that about all Mystik
Spiral songs
JANE
I know, sick isn't it?
DARIA
You, or the fact that all the
backing tracks are crying babies?
JANE
Both
Daria
and Jane depart for Girl's Bathroom
CUT TO:
INT. GIRLS BATHROOM. DAY
Jane
puts baby in basin as Daria rifles through pack
DARIA
Okay wonder mom, what do we
need to shut this thing up?
JANE
You're such a caring person
DARIA
It's why I'm your friend
Jane
inspects baby
JANE
I think it may be hungry
Daria
picks up bottle from pack and puts it to baby's lips
DARIA
Yum, electronic pulses
The
baby stops crying
JANE
Look who has the golden touch
DARIA
What do think is worth more? A
baby on the black market or a solid gold baby?
JANE
You'd just paint it gold, and
then split as soon as the buyer pays up. What should we call it?
DARIA
Oh no, no names. It makes it
that much harder to take it to the animal shelter.
JANE
How about we call it Monique
and you can just neglect it as some sort of subconscious revenge fantasy?
Daria
looks at Jane coolly
DARIA
How about I bust this baby
open and get the electrical parts and apply electro-shock therapy?
Jodie
enters holding baby
Daria
and Jane stare at Jodie's baby
JODIE
(Annoyed)
Yes,
it's an interracial baby
JANE
Wow, you don't sound too
pleased to be the overworked, overachieving person that you are.
JODIE
(Exasperated)
It's
just in between all my activities, keeping a job, a boyfriend and now this, I
don't know whether to care for this baby, or choke it.
DARIA
We were just having the same
dilemma ourselves. Unfortunately, baby choking is still frowned upon in the
same vein as eating veal or human flesh.
JANE
Wouldn't Mack help you out?
Seems like the sort of thing a young father should do...
JODIE
Yeah, well, we have that big
game against Oakwood coming up, and the coach has called for double practices.
DARIA
You mean that
JANE
It's like leaving Roger Rabbit
in charge of the IRS
JODIE
Well, there's nothing Mack can
do about this. He can't go and quit the team, and he sure as hell doesn't want
to be doing double practices.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA KING. DAY
The
football team sit in booth eating Pizza and laughing
The
coach proposes a toast
COACH
To double practices!
MACK
I still feel this is wrong
KEVIN
What's wrong Mack Daddy? Not a
team player?
MACK
(Angrily)
I'm
the goddamn captain, of course I'm a team player! I just feel wrong leaving
Jodie to care for the baby is all!
KEVIN
Just chill Mack Daddy
MACK
I told you not to call me
that!
The
coach interrupts
COACH
Listen Mack, if we're going to
win against Oakwood, I can't have half my team taking care of babies!
MACK
But
Coach
interrupts
COACH
You're the captain of this
team, and as captain, certain sacrifices are needed. I expect you to lead the
team on and off the field Mack, or is being captain too much for you?
Mack
begins to respond, but looks at all the faces staring at him
Mack
sighs
MACK
Okay. I'll play along, but I
still object to this.
COACH
Now there's a captain for you!
Team
cheers and Mack slumps back in chair
CUT TO
EXT.
Daria
and Jane are walking along, with Jane holding the baby
DARIA
So where are we going to keep
the thing?
JANE
I figure my house, since I
have all the maternal skills apparently
DARIA
But there's a noise sensor on
it
JANE
So?
DARIA
I don't think Mystik Spiral
practices can be considered pleasant noise, despite the 2 people on the
Spiral's mailing list.
JANE
And they're deaf so good
point. Can't be your house though...
DARIA
Why not?
JANE
Because Quinn will try to give
the baby a makeover when your back is turned
DARIA
She's been so distracted by
what she saw that I don't think she's in the proper state of mind to give
makeovers.
JANE
I didn't think makeovers
required a state of mind
DARIA
You'd be surprised. She has to
analyse the state of the victim, and then see if they have any weaknesses. Much
like a hunting cat.
JANE
A hunting cat with a curling
iron? Hmm...that gives me an idea.
DARIA
We've discussed this, you
can't train a puma to run a beauty salon. It can't do the math required to keep
the accounts.
JANE
Damn you and your
practicalities! Besides, that's where the monkey comes in
DARIA
Assuming the puma doesn't eat
the monkey
JANE
I see your point. We're
keeping the little one in your house then?
DARIA
It's where the software is
after all.
CUT TO:
INT. MORGANDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING
Daria
walks in holding baby awkwardly. Upon seeing Daria, Helen looks horrified
HELEN
What are they teaching you
kids at that school!?
DARIA
Relax, this is a mechanical
baby. In so many ways, those organic meat bag babies are inferior
Helen
looks relieved
HELEN
Oh thank heavens!
DARIA
I'm more concerned by the fact
that you would've been surprised by this child, if it were alive
HELEN
What do you mean Daria?
DARIA
Well, in order to have a
child, one generally has to be pregnant first. That's something that you
notice, like the Northern Lights, or Quinn using a word that contains five
syllables.
HELEN
Oh, right
DARIA
Unless you have a spare 50
grand lying about. If you do, I hear that
Helen
Looks at Daria coolly
HELEN
Oh Daria
Helen
departs and Daria walks upstairs
CAMERA PAN TO:
Quinn
lies on the couch in deep thought, an oxymoron to be sure
The
phone rings and Quinn answers
QUINN
Hello?
JAMIE
Hey Quinn
Quinn
bites lip
QUINN
Uhh...hi Jerome
JAMIE
It's Jamie. Anyway, I've got
my dad's Gold Card so I was wondering if you wanted to go to Chez Pierre. I
know you like going there, and I...
Quinn
cuts off Jamie
QUINN
Gee Jarrod, I'd love to...but
I'm uhh....busy with...an all night blushathon.
JAMIE
It's Jamie...
Quinn
hangs up
Quinn
turns on the TV
TV
Sex Scandal Rocks
Quinn
turns off TV
CUT TO:
INT. DARIA'S ROOM. EVENING
Daria
puts baby on bed before heading toward computer
The
baby cries
DARIA
Wow, you're scary
Daria
walks back to baby, pauses to examine it, and changes it
The
baby stops crying
DARIA
Huh, I guess I'm getting good
at this thing
Daria
walks to computer and sits down before typing
The
computer connects to the internet
DARIA
Okay random mysterious
strangers on the internet, you haven't let me down before
Daria
looks at screen which reads INSTRUCTIONS FOR TURNING OFF BABY MODEL THX-1138
As
the page slowly starts to load, Daria's eyes widen
Smoke
starts to emit from the back of Daria's computer
DARIA
Hey, what's that...
The
computer frazzles
DARIA
I guess when trying to use
technology to circumvent technology you can't trust technology. Huh, I'm so
confused that I know what it feels like to be Kevin...
Jake
rushes into her room
JAKE
Daria!? Are you okay!?
DARIA
'Okay' is a relative term. I
could use a new computer though....lest I fall behind on my schoolwork and end up
going to
JAKE
Why would we need a new
computer? I can fix this, it'll be a great excuse to break out the toolset your
mother got me for Christmas!
DARIA
Okay, you get the tools, I'll
call the mortuary.
JAKE
Right!
Jake
rushes off
Daria
picks up cordless phone and dials
Hello?
DARIA
Thought I'd get an early start
tonight...
DARIA
Who are you and what have you
done with
So, did you want Jane?
DARIA
Yeah
Voices
on the line
Hey!
JANE! Phone
JANE
The phone
what?
Daria...phone
Jane
picks up phone
JANE
Yes Miss fire crotch?
DARIA
We have a problem
JANE
We?
DARIA
My computer frazzled
JANE
That sounds like your problem
to me, unless you have those photos of me stored on there.
DARIA
I can't get the instructions
on how to shut the baby up, and what photos?
JANE
Uhh....Can't you just look it up
on another computer?
DARIA
I had the site bookmarked
Jane
looks panicked
DARIA
Jane?
JANE
But....but
DARIA
I think we just became parents
Jake
bursts into the room
JAKE
Stand back Daria! This could
get dangerous!
CUT TO:
INT. DAY. MR DEMARTINO'S CLASS
DE MARTINO
So can any body tell me how
World War One started.....anyone?
KEVIN
It was, like that guy right?
Mr De
Martino moves closer to Kevin
MR DE MARTINO
Yes, Kevin, it was 'that guy'
who started World War One. In the same way that it will be 'that guy' who one
day will be pumping gas for a living!
Mr De
Martino is now right up to Kevin's face
KEVIN
Yo. Mr D. What did you have
for lunch?
Mr De
Martino lets out a guttural scream
The
class falls silent, stunned by the scream
A
solitary cry is heard
DARIA
Oh no, I guess I'll have to
take the baby out. I guess my life partner will have to come too.
Jane
and Daria exit class with baby in arms
CUT TO:
INT. DAY. HALLWAY
The
baby has stopped crying
JANE
You know, I'm starting to like
this little guy more and more
DARIA
Oh there you go, imposing
gender roles on it
JANE
So...have you thought of a name?
DARIA
I said no names
JANE
Come on Daria! Where's your
maternal instinct?
DARIA
Being held ransom along with
my sexual urges. It'll stay that way until I get a plane to
JANE
I always thought Ruddiger was
a cool name
DARIA
Too country hick, like Jimmy
Ray
JANE
Well look who suddenly has an
opinion
DARIA
I'm not fussy but I don't
think we should subject it to 'Ruddiger'
JANE
So do you have an opinion or
do you just like to crap on all of my ideas?
DARIA
You're deliberately trying to
get me into an argument, and I'm not falling for it.
Jane
and Daria run into Jodie in the hall, alone, trying to tend to the baby
Jodie
tries to feed the baby, but to no effect
JODIE
I've changed you five times in
the past two hours damn you!
Daria
and Jane look surprised at Jodie's frustration
JODIE
Oh, hey
JANE
And here I was under the
impression that you were Little Miss Perfect
JODIE
I'm really about to scream. I
just don't know how to take care of this thing. I guess it gives me a
perspective on how hard it is to be a teenage mother
DARIA
Or a perspective on how hard
it is to murder babies quietly
JODIE
Don't think I haven't
fantasized...
Jodie's
baby starts to cry again
DARIA
Shouldn't Mack be helping you
out?
JODIE
As I said before, Mack can't
help not being here. He's really upset about it too, he's been avoiding me all
week.
The
baby cries louder
JODIE
Which wouldn't be so bad if
this baby could learn to keep quiet for 10 damn minutes!
DARIA
Ummm....maybe it needs to be
burped?
Jodie
considers, looks into manual provided with the doll, and burps the baby
To
Jodie's amazement, the doll quietens
JODIE
Wow Daria. I didn't know you
had such good child-rearing skills!
DARIA
I...don't?
Daria
looks apprehensive
CUT TO:
INT. DAY. LUNCH ROOM
The
Fashion club are eating their carrot sticks and Diet Soda, sans Quinn
Joey,
Jeffy and Jamie approach the table
SANDI
Can I help you or whatever?
JEFFY
Have any of you girls seen
Quinn?
STACY
No, we haven't, and I'm
worried
SANDI
Why should you be Stacy? If
Quinn can't keep up her social obligations then perhaps it is better if she
didn't join us today.
TIFFANY
Buuut...who will collate all of
our blushes?
SANDI
In absence of our supposed
vice-president of the Fashion Club, all collating duties fall to Stacy
Stacy
looks panicked
STACY
I can't! I'd just get it
wrong! Like I did about that
Stacy
starts to hyperventilate
Sandi
shakes Stacy
SANDI
It was a mistake that anybody
could have made!
STACY
Even Quinn?
TIFFANY
Oh no, I don't think Quinn
would have made that mistake...
SANDI
You're not helping Tiffany!
Joey,
Jeffy and Jamie look at each other, confused
JEFFY
So you're saying that...you
haven't seen Quinn?
SANDI
No! Now leave! Can't you see
we're having a crisis!
Joey,
Jeffy and Jamie skulk away
Quinn
enters, looks around and sits down
Quinn
is dressed in a trench coat, hat and sunglasses
The
three members regard Quinn
SANDI
Do I have to call security?
QUINN
Guys! It's me!
SANDI
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
recognise you under all the hideousness
TIFFANY
What's up with thaaat outfit?
QUINN
Maybe I just want to blend in
for awhile
SANDI
A Fashion Club member should
never want to 'blend in'
QUINN
Get the guys off my back for
once
All
three gasp
SANDI
I think there is only one
course of action. Until you change your attitude, but most importantly, change
that hideous outfit you're wearing, you are hereby stripped of you're vice
presidency and provisionally barred from all fashion club meetings, formal AND
informal
QUINN
But guys! Who am I going to
talk to about...
SANDI
You're scrunchie Quinn
QUINN
But...
SANDI
Your scrunchie
Quinn
reaches into jacket, and puts a scrunchie down on table, before walking away slowly
CUT TO:
INT. NIGHT. JANE'S ROOM
Jane
is painting while Daria sits on Jane's bed
JANE
How about Bubba? Deliciously
white-trash no?
DARIA
Or maybe we should just not
let you make decisions from now on
The
baby cries
DARIA
It probably needs changing
Jane
looks at Daria quizzically and changes baby with success
JANE
Okay Daria, now I'm scared
DARIA
It's a machine. All machines
follow certain patterns, once you ascertain these patterns, you can act
accordingly.
JANE
Too bad real babies aren't machines
DARIA
Yeah
JANE
On the flipside, you can't
coach a machine to achieve so you can vicariously live out all your lost
glories...
DARIA
You ever think about having
kids?
JANE
What?
DARIA
You heard me Lane
JANE
No, it's just an unusually
deep question
DARIA
What's that supposed to mean?
JANE
I thought our friendship was
built on our love of apathetic musings
DARIA
Answer the question
JANE
Honestly...I don't know. Some
days I think a sterile life without children would be heaven, but then I think that
I'd like to have a litter of young'uns, and let them roam around the back yard
like free-range chickens.
DARIA
I can see why you're so good
with kids
JANE
Yeah, one way or another, kids
are livestock. Speaking of good parenting, you've been on a lucky streak this
week.
DARIA
As I said, probabilities.
JANE
Come on Daria, you're smart,
not Steven Hawking smart. There had to be some instinct somewhere there...
Daria
flops on Jane's bed
DARIA
I don't know, maybe there is.
JANE
Is Daria Morgandorffer getting
all maternal on me?
DARIA
Who knows?
JANE
Maybe it's time to answer your
own question
DARIA
What?
JANE
Do you want kids? You know,
apart from
Daria
blushes
Were you just talking about
me?
JANE
No, just about the baby
Man, that thing freaks me out
JANE
How so oh brother of mine?
Looking into its soulless
eyes, it's like a window into myself...
DARIA
You should put up some
curtains then
Cool Daria. Well, see ya
JANE
So, Daria? Baby or no baby?
DARIA
I don't know. I need to think
for awhile.
Daria
gets up, taking the baby with her and leaves
CUT TO:
INT. NIGHT. MORGANDORFFER LOUNGEROOM
Daria
walks in and puts baby on table
Daria
walks and lies down on the couch
After
5 seconds she sits back up and looks squarely at the baby
DARIA
Get out of my brain
She
lies back down and stares at ceiling
Daria
then falls asleep
CUT TO:
EXT. DAY. A FIELD DREAM SEQUENCE
Daria
wakes up to find that she's lying on the grass
She
stands up and looks into the distance
DARIA
Is that my old school?
Daria
walks toward building with Texan flag waving on the flagpole
She
enters the doors, and then walks into one of the classrooms to find it's empty
Daria
looks at the clock
DARIA
I guess its lunch time
Daria
then walks into the yard, to find all the children playing
The children are playing their
various games
CHILDREN
Ring-a-Ring of Rosies, pocket
full of Posies...
CHILDREN
Tag! You're it! Hey, no
tag-backs!
Daria
notices a girl under the tree, in glasses, reading. She is the only one not
participating in the playing.
Daria
walks over to her
DARIA
Hey
GIRL
Hey
DARIA
Why aren't you playing with
the other kids?
GIRL
I like to read
DARIA
It's a good hobby. So, who are
you into?
GIRL
Orwell mostly
CUT TO:
INT. NIGHT. MORGANDORFFER LOUNGEROOM
Helen
walks in and finds Daria lying on couch
She
smiles, and taps Daria on the shoulder
Daria
wakes up
HELEN
What are you doing down here?
DARIA
What are you doing here? It's
only... (Checks watch)
HELEN
I decided to come home early
DARIA
Did Eric get sued again?
HELEN
No, not again.
DARIA
Can I ask you a question?
HELEN
Sure honey
DARIA
When do you know....when it's
time, you know, to have a baby?
HELEN
Daria?
Helen
is surprised by the sudden sharing
The
baby starts to cry, and Daria holds the baby
HELEN
Oh
Daria
feeds the baby
HELEN
You know, you look very
comfortable there
DARIA
I know, and that's what scares
me. Intellectuals aren't supposed to have offspring, they're supposed to live
in a
HELEN
Sometimes life isn't what you
expect Daria
DARIA
You mean it isn't a
meaningless descent into the void?
HELEN
No
DARIA
Was I difficult to raise?
HELEN
No more than any other child,
why do you ask?
DARIA
What if you're child doesn't
turn out the way you expect them too?
HELEN
As I said, life isn't always what
you expect. You know, before you were born your father wanted a boy.
DARIA
So I'm a constant reminder of
his inability to sire an heir?
HELEN
No. The thing about having
children is that once you've been in labour for 22 hours with them, is that you
love them no matter what. More than that, you love seeing them develop their
own personalities, quirks and habits, and you can't help but to feel maternal
when your children laugh.
DARIA
But I didn't laugh
HELEN
No, you're personality didn't
allow you too, but you smiled in your sleep. You still do.
DARIA
So you're saying that no
matter how they turn out, it's all gravy?
HELEN
Yes
DARIA
What if they're axe-wielding
murderers?
HELEN
You'd be disappointed, but
you'd still love them
DARIA
Child Killers?
HELEN
Same thing
DARIA
Puppy Kickers
HELEN
Okay Daria, that's enough
Daria
begins to leave, but turns to Helen
DARIA
Thanks
HELEN
For what?
DARIA
For not giving up on me
HELEN
It's in the contract
Daria
leaves
HELEN
That's how that's done
Quinn
enters the room
HELEN
Quinn? Shouldn't you be out on
a date right now?
QUINN
I'm taking a break from boys
HELEN
What!? What's wrong darling?
You can talk to me.
QUINN
It's just this whole...thing...you
know, at the school.
HELEN
Oh...
QUINN
It's just that I went out with
boys and I only ever had half an idea about what they wanted. Seeing, what
couples get up to...it scared me. When is the right time?
HELEN
When you're ready, you'll
know. It doesn't mean you should stop going out with boy's altogether
QUINN
What do you mean, aren't they
only after one thing?
HELEN
Most of time yes. But I trust
your judgement Quinn. It's why I don't ban you from dating. If the boy is a
nice guy, he'll still want it, but he'll wait until you're ready for it.
QUINN
What if they pressure me?
HELEN
Then you walk away and you
find another date
QUINN
Thanks Mom
HELEN
Besides, you wouldn't be a
Barksdale without using your...chaste nature as leverage.
QUINN
Oh mom!
Quinn
departs
HELEN
That's a two 'fer right there
CUT TO:
EXT. DAY. SUBURBAN STREET
Jane
and Daria walk along, Jane holding the baby
JANE
So, did you answer your
question?
DARIA
About what?
JANE
About splitting your loins in
twain for the survival of the human species.
DARIA
Oh, I guess so.
JANE
And?
DARIA
I guess it wouldn't be such a
bad thing, I mean, I'm probably the last thing my parents expected me to be,
but they seem relatively happy.
JANE
Now all we have to do is find
a father. Hey, Mystik Spiral is playing at the Zon tonight, you should go.
DARIA
Better yet, Elvis Costello is
playing at the
JANE
Don't toy with me Daria.
CUT TO:
EXT.NIGHT. FOOTBALL FIELD
The
score board shows full time,
The
fashion club sans Quinn sit in the stand
SANDI
I don't think I can put up
with this sucky performance
TIFFANY
It makes me liiiike ashamed to
go to this school
Quinn
sits next to them, with her 'normal' outfit on
QUINN
Hey guys
SANDI
Oh, hello Quinn
STACY
I thought we weren't talking
to her
SANDI
Shut up Stacy!
STACY
Eeep!
QUINN
So...I'm going out with Cory
this weekend
Sandi
reaches into her purse and garbs scrunchie
SANDI
Welcome back Quinn
Down
on the field, Upchuck talks to Kevin about the team's sucky performance
UPCHUCK
I have Kevin Thompson here to
explain why the Lions roar was a tame whimper tonight, Kevin?
Kevin
is doubled over in pain
KEVIN
Too...much...pizza
Meanwhile
Mack walks over to Jodie, who looks pissed
MACK
I'm in trouble now aren't I?
JODIE
Oh you're dead.
THE
END
Questions? Comments?
Innuendoes? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com