Is It 'Mania Yet?
By The Excellent S
(A large pyrotechnics display goes off on a stage adorned
with lights and large monitors. Pan around a giant outdoor stadium, where a
wrestling ring, surrounded by ladders, is set up in the middle and a capacity
crowd is cheering in anticipation and holding up cardboard signs. Some examples
O'Neill: "This is the night where you can live forever! We are live from the Vexxer Stadium in Baltimore where a capacity crowd of 75,000 is in attendance for the biggest LFC show of all time, Is It 'Mania Yet?! I am Timothy O'Neill and to my right is my long-time broadcast colleague, Janet Barch."
Barch: "I have never seen anything like this before in all my life, skinny! The lights are never going to be on any brighter than this, and we have a locker room full of men and women looking to make themselves famous on the biggest stage we've ever been on!"
O'Neill: "We have an unbelievably stacked card tonight, Janet. Seven world-class matches, with all five LFC Championships on the line. We'll run down the card real quick before we begin. First we have the Stairway To Heaven Ladder match. One contract for a future World Championship match hangs high above the ring and the only way to reach it is by climbing a ladder."
Barch: "Ten people will be in this match, Tim, and they are only 15 feet away from the one thing that could change their life forever. However, what they have to go through can simply be described with one word. Carnage."
O'Neill: "The finals of the LFC Mixed Tag Team Championship tournament will be held tonight, with the underdog pair of Dewey "Shaggy" Rogers and Jennifer "Burnout" Burns taking on The Track Stars, Evan Johnston and Siobhan "Chipmunk" Hogan."
Barch: "The Track Stars have speed, chemistry and years of tag team experience, but with the crowd on their side, Shaggy and Burnout have made it further than anyone ever expected them to. Will they make it all the way? Find out later tonight."
O'Neill: "The vacant LFC Women's Tag Team Championship will have new holders after tonight's Gauntlet Match."
Barch: "Nearly every womens team in the LFC is lining up for a shot here, but they will have to run the literal gauntlet to get those belts!"
O'Neill: "Also, the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship is on the line in a 3-on-2 Handicap Match. The Bro and QB Connection are finally getting their rematch against The Three Js."
Barch: "I'm not a fan of either team to be honest, but I'm looking forward to watching these guys beat the stuffing out of each other. And hey, whoever wins, the gold will help ease their pain!"
O'Neill: "In the first of three big main events, Charles Ruttheimer III has issued an open challenge for any fighter in the world to face him in an LFC Men's World Championship match."
Barch: "Upchuck has written a cheque that his Howdy Doody-looking ass has no chance of cashing. Whoever this mystery man is, I hope he beats the ever-loving crap out of the champ."
O'Neill: "Our second main event tonight is an LFC first. A Highland Street Fight, with The Freakin' Friends teaming up with Stacy Rowe to take on The Fashion Club."
Barch: "I'm finding it harder and harder to defend The Fashion Club these days, but what I will say is that this will not be for the weak at heart. Things will get ugly."
O'Neill: "Finally, the third main event of the evening sees LFC Women's World Champion Quinn Morgendorffer defend the gold in a Triple Threat Match against Brittany Taylor and Jodie Landon."
Barch: "Quinn has defended that belt with honour, dignity and pride ever since she won it at the Lawndale Rumble, but she will have to be on her A-game tonight to overcome the always dangerous Brittany and the increasingly vicious Jodie."
O'Neill: "Well, it looks like we're all set for our opening contest of the evening. We take you now to our esteemed ring announcer, the voice of the LFC, Anthony DeMartino!"
(Cut to Mr. DeMartino standing in the middle of the ring, holding a microphone and a bunch of palm cards. He too is wearing a fancy suit for the occasion)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, tonight's opening CONTEST is the STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN LADDER MATCH!"
(The crowd cheers)
DeMartino: "The only way to WIN this match, is to climb a LADDER and retrieve the CONTRACT hanging above the ring. This contract GUARANTEES the winner a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP match any time in the next 12 months."
(The crowd cheers again. Then, "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones begins to play, causing them to cheer louder)
DeMartino: "Introducing the participants... FIRST,
fighting out of
(Bob doesn't come out onto the entrance stage. Instead, Bob is walking down the stairs of the stadium, surrounded by fans reaching out, patting him on the back or simply mugging for the camera. Bob is wearing a leather vest adorned with small badges over the top of his ring attire, a tattered grey singlet and torn khaki cargo shorts)
O'Neill: "The ever-popular Bob Rollins is making his way through the sea of humanity that is our crowd tonight!"
Barch: "Those fans better be careful. Bob might steal their wallet and use it as a weapon."
O'Neill: "Don't be like that! Rollins may look like a ruffian and act like a beast in the ring, but out of it he's a class act."
Barch: "As much as this match is made for a guy like Rollins, he shouldn't be here. He had the LFC Men's World Championship stolen away from him a few weeks ago, just as he had it in the bag."
O'Neill: "Well this match will give him an iron-clad guaranteed championship match any time he wants it, regardless of who has the belt. That will certainly help ease the pain, but only if he wins it."
(Bob finally makes it to the barrier separating the crowd from the ring area. He jumps over it, but instead of getting into the ring, he lifts up the apron and looks underneath it)
Barch: "Didn't his parents teach him to put away the other toys before you get a new one out to play with?"
(Bob pulls out a kendo stick, and holds it up to the crowd. He finally gets into the ring, takes off his vest and starts spinning the stick around in his hand. His theme fades out and "Quiet" by the Smashing Pumpkins starts to play. The crowd gives some decent boos)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of
(Corey makes his way onto the entrance stage and starts walking to the ring, not bothering to acknowledge the crowd. He is wearing green trunks with grey and white tribal trim)
O'Neill: "Corey Bateman is all business by the looks of him."
Barch: "I have said many times that Corey is a no-frills wrestler, and in this kind of environment, this could prove to be his undoing."
(As Corey gets into the ring, his theme fades out and "Why Can't We Be Friends?" by War begins to play. The crowd gives a small cheer)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of
(Robert and Ted make their way onto the entrance stage and give each other an elaborate fist-bump. Both are wearing blue tights with a large cyan stripe on one leg reading their name, as well as matching blue headbands)
O'Neill: "These two are such friendly guys, you know, but they need to leave that behind and adopt a killer instinct if one of them is to win tonight."
Barch: "Damn right. Hey, quick question."
Barch: "If Robert and Ted are such nice guys, how come I've never seen their girlfriends?"
O'Neill: "Maybe they're just not wrestling fans. Why'd you ask?"
Barch: "No reason. Just curious."
(As Robert and Ted get into the ring, their theme fades out and "Man Research (Clapper)" by Gorillaz begins to play. There are scattered cheers from the crowd)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of
(The Head makes his way onto the entrance stage, nearly tripping over in his excited state. He is wearing a dark blue wrestling singlet with a "The Head" logo on the front)
O'Neill: "Look at Ed Parker and tell me that he isn't a dark horse for this match."
Barch: "He isn't a dark horse for this match, Tim. He's still very inexperienced and lacking in physique, but hey, at least he'll get a nice bonus cheque in the mail for making it!"
(As The Head gets into the ring, his theme fades out and "Back Round" by Wolfmother starts to play. The crowd gives a polite cheer, but otherwise there is little reaction)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of
(Josh makes his way onto the entrance stage and points out to the massive crowd. He is wearing a blue jacket as his entrance attire, over baggy blue jeans, and is carrying a skateboard)
O'Neill: "Josh Carter has never been one for the spotlight, but this match is his chance to grab it with both hands."
Barch: "He's a skateboarder in his spare time, so he knows how it feels to wipe out hard on occasion. He won't want to do that tonight."
(As Josh gets into the ring, his theme fades out and "Don't Ask Me" by OK Go starts to play. The crowd barely reacts, with only a few scattered cheers here and there)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT..., fighting out of
(Guy slowly makes his way onto the entrance stage, looking a nervous wreck. He is wearing grey and yellow striped trunks and is padded up everywhere)
O'Neill: "Guy Crawford definitely looks... er... prepared for this match."
Barch: "At least he won't feel a thing when he falls off the ladders. Well, other than his broken bones."
(As Guy gets into the ring, his theme fades out and "No Revolution" by The Explosion begins to play. The crowd gives some decent boos)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of wherever they damn well please, they are Anarchy In The MD... SPIKE ROSE and DAVE HUDSON!!!"
(Spike and Dave make their way onto the entrance stage, psyching each other up and saluting the crowd with various rude gestures. Both are wearing black sleeveless shirts and black shorts with the anarchy symbol spraypainted on them, the only difference between the two is that Dave has an orange mohawk, while Spike has a black one)
O'Neill: "We talked earlier about how Bob Rollins looks a punk but isn't one, well these two live and breathe the lifestyle all day, every day."
Barch: "They are the self-proclaimed loudest tag team in the world... and I bet they're already drunk. Just look at them stumbling around and shoving each other. Save it for the match!"
(As Spike and Dave get into the ring, their theme fades out and "Build It Up, Tear It Down" by Fatboy Slim starts to play. The crowd gives some heavy cheers)
DeMartino: "Introducing the FINAL participant...
fighting out of
(Dawn makes her way onto the entrance stage and raises her arms to the crowd. She is wearing a white singlet over grey jeans, as well as her signature headphones)
O'Neill: "Last time we saw Dawn Harris on PPV, she was a near unstoppable force in the Lawndale Rumble. What's to say that won't be the case here now?"
Barch: "Simple. She is the biggest and strongest woman on the roster, to the point where she can believably compete with men. Well, I don't think she'll be competing with them. I think she will be destroying them."
(As Dawn gets into the ring, she hands her headphones and iPod to a referee as her theme fades out. The bell rings, signifying the beginning of the match)
O'Neill: "And we are underway in the opening contest of Is It 'Mania Yet?!"
(The ten participants all stare up at the hanging contract, waiting for someone to make their move and go for a ladder. The first to do so is Corey, who is promptly followed outside by everyone else)
O'Neill: "Bateman is first to grab a ladder, but here comes Josh from behind with the skateboard!"
Barch: "Ow! Right in the back of the head!"
O'Neill: "Da Nice Guyz take him down from behind..."
Barch: "As they do."
O'Neill: "...Parker and Crawford are fighting off Rollins... whew... so much action already, Janet!"
Barch: "This match is going to be very hard to follow with so many bodies flying in and around the ring all at once. That's why we have all our referees out here to keep things under some semblance of control."
(Bob rests a ladder on the barricade and the ring, and picks up Corey)
O'Neill: "Rollins is going to try and put Bateman out of this match right now with a suplex on the ladder! Up he goes..."
Barch: "He's countering! Blow after blow with the knees!"
O'Neill: "Bateman falls back down and hits Rollins with his own suplex on the floor! Great counter by Bateman!"
Barch: "Forget that, just look at Dawn fighting off Anarchy In The MD! And with such feminine ease, too!"
(Dawn throws Spike into the barricade, and then throws Dave into the steel steps, before picking up a ladder and putting it in the ring. She gets into the ring herself and sets up the ladder. The crowd starts to chant "DAWN'S GONNA KILL YOU")
O'Neill: "Harris is going to be the first to try and climb for the contract!"
Barch: "That must be one strong ladder, because Harris is a big girl."
O'Neill: "Wait, here comes Crawford climbing up on the other side, and hits Harris with a right hand!"
Barch: "Didn't faze her at all! She just pushed him right back down to the canvas!"
O'Neill: "Bateman is going to try his luck too."
Barch: "Bang! A left hand from Dawn and down he goes like a sack of potatoes!"
(As she reaches for the contract, the other six participants rush the ladder and tip it over, causing Dawn to hit the ropes chest-first and fall to the canvas. After throwing out Guy, the remaining fighters square off. Robert and Ted fight Josh, while Spike and Dave fight The Head)
Barch: "Spike and Dave are setting up Ed for Apunkalypse Now!"
O'Neill: "And that fallen ladder is still in the middle of the ring!"
(Spike and Dave lift up The Head for a suplex, but then drop him back down flat his face, which hits the ladder. The crowd groans upon impact)
O'Neill: "Dear mercy that is surely a broken nose at the least for Parker!"
Barch: "That won't help his self-esteem, and that's low enough already."
(Spike and Dave turn around and get hit with a second ladder, held by Josh)
O'Neill: "And now it's Rose and Hudson's turn to taste the metal, courtesy of Josh Carter!"
Barch: "They're punks. They won't notice another bit of metal in their faces."
(He tries to do the same to Robert and Ted, but they duck and dropkick the ladder, making it hit Josh in the face and knocking him to the ground)
Barch: "Didn't work that time, did it Josh?"
O'Neill: "Da Nice Guyz are the only ones standing right now, and DeWitt-Clinton is helping Korleski clear the ring."
Barch: "Now I don't see why they don't keep that other ladder in there. With such skinny rungs on them, they need all the ladder they can get."
O'Neill: "Well they're both climbing the one ladder they kept in. Things will be interesting once they reach the top."
Barch: "Indeed they will, because they can't both win!"
(Robert and Ted nearly reach the top of the ladder, but Bob comes back in, leading to both of them jumping off and attacking him)
O'Neill: "Da Nice Guyz are one of the most fluid tag teams in all of the Lawndale Fighting Championship. Just look at the way they are working over Rollins here."
Barch: "I'm sure there is more to their alliance than just tag team chemistry, skinny."
O'Neill: "Well, they train together, they live together, they do basically everything together. They're almost like brothers."
Barch: "If they lived in say...
O'Neill: "All right... DeWitt-Clinton and Korleski with the whip to Rollins... he ducks and hits them both with a huge clothesline!"
(With everyone else down, Bob starts to climb the ladder. He reaches the second top rung and reaches up, but stops. The crowd starts to chant "HEY HO LET'S GO")
O'Neill: "Look at his eyes. He's not going to, is he? Not from the top of the ladder?"
Barch: "Bob is a madman, with no regard for his body or anyone else's. Of course he is!"
O'Neill: "He's not going for a Blitzkrieg Bop off the top of the ladder?"
(Bob rips off his singlet, before he jumps off the ladder and hits Ted and Robert with a huge flying leg drop. It hurts him almost as much as it hurt them. The crowd, after a huge cheer, start a "HOLY SHIT" chant)
Barch: "The crowd pretty much says it all right there."
O'Neill: "All our fighters are down! Who will get up first to try and grab the metaphorical brass ring?"
(Guy is the first person up. He gingerly climbs the ladder and tries to reach the contract)
Barch: "You know if you listen closely, you can hear Guy's bones rattle as he climbs..."
O'Neill: "Sorry to interrupt but Crawford only has one more step and he's got it!"
Barch: "But here's Corey Bateman to stop him... Timothy?"
Barch: "Don't interrupt me again!"
(Corey climbs up the other side of the ladder, leading them to start trading punches at the very top of it)
O'Neill: "This is so dangerous! Once false move could end a career just like that."
Barch: "Guy's getting the upper hand on Corey? Who knew that the bony little pipsqueak had it in him?"
O'Neill: "Bateman rakes the eyes and Crawford is hunched over on the ladder!"
(Suddenly, Corey jumps off the ladder over Guy, grabs him by the waist and powerbombs him to the canvas. The crowd cheers)
Barch: "What a sunset flip powerbomb by Corey! Maybe he's not so damn boring after all."
O'Neill: "I'd say Crawford is done here. That was a sick manoeuvre by Bateman."
Barch: "But now he's got to regroup and try and back up there. We have no idea as to how much that move took out of him."
(Corey slowly gets up and starts climbing the ladder. He almost makes it to the top when The Head gets back in the ring. There is a small trail of blood under his nose)
Barch: "Here comes Mr. Charisma himself Ed Parker to save the day."
O'Neill: "Parker is just starting out his career, so it would be an unbelievable shot in the arm if he were able to win this Stairway To Heaven Ladder match."
Barch: "He's climbing the ladder, but will he make it to Corey in time?"
(The Head punches Corey in the stomach as he reaches up for the contract. They trade blows until, out of nowhere, The Head hits a high kick, knocking Corey to the ground)
Barch: "Where the hell did THAT come from?"
O'Neill: "What flexibility and creativity by Parker! That could be the defining moment of this match!"
Barch: "He's almost there!"
(Just as The Head reaches the top rung of the ladder, Dawn gets back into the ring. She kicks the hinge out of one side of the ladder, causing it to buckle and collapse. The Head falls and hits the ladder face first again, causing the crowd to groan)
Barch: "Now that's what I call creativity! Great work there by Dawn!"
O'Neill: "Just look at the blood on Parker's face! If his nose wasn't broken before, it surely is now."
Barch: "He might have to borrow a facemask from Brooke Watkins next time he has a match."
(Dawn goes to the outside and gets a bigger ladder, the third used in the match. As she is about to put it in the ring, she is attacked by Spike and Dave)
Barch: "Damn punks ambushing Dawn like that. Do they have no respect for anyone?"
O'Neill: "Clearly they don't... look at Rollins on the top rope!"
Barch: "He doesn't have a lot of high-flying moves in his regular arsenal, when he does go upstairs it is usually pretty effective."
(Bob jumps off the top rope to the outside, hitting Dawn, Corey, Spike and Dave with a flying splash. Robert and Ted now get back in the ring)
O'Neill: "Korleski and DeWitt-Clinton are in the ring all alone here."
Barch: "Why aren't they getting a ladder? Oh... wait a minute..."
O'Neill: "Here comes Da Nice Guyz off the ropes... and to the outside with dual suicide dives to the other participants!"
(At this point, all but Guy and The Head are down near the entrance ramp. Unknown to them, Josh has climbed a ladder in the middle of it)
Barch: "You can't reach the contract from there! It's supposed to be set up in the middle of the ring!"
O'Neill: "Oh goodness me, this could be career suicide! Surely not from there? That's 15 feet off the ground!"
(Josh jumps off the ladder onto the mass of bodies, knocking them all down. The crowd cheers, and then start chanting "HOLY SHIT" again)
Barch: "It was like he was in the air for an eternity! Unbelievable risk-taking there by Josh!"
O'Neill: "Just look at the scene, bits of ladder and bodies everywhere. We told you this match would be chaotic, but it has exceeded all expectations!"
Barch: "Dawn's going to be the first one up! After all that, she's just going to walk it off and get back up there!"
(Dawn picks up the big ladder and throws it into the ring. She sets it up underneath the hanging contract and starts to climb up)
Barch: "Dawn is nearly there! She's going to win this Stairway To Heaven Ladder match and beat nine men in doing it! Go! Go!"
O'Neill: "Dawn Harris, a student of the great super-heavyweight Iris Johanssen, is a bonafide star of the future, Janet, and if she wins this match there is no limit as to how far she will go."
Barch: "I have been saying that since her first match in the LFC. Now she just needs to reach up and grab that contract!"
O'Neill: "And here comes Spike Rose and Dave Hudson to stop her in her tracks."
Barch: "Great, it's those damn punks again. They've been on her case the whole match."
O'Neill: "Bateman is there too... wait what are they doing?"
Barch: "Good God they're lifting up the ladder! They're going to kill her!"
(Spike, Dave and Corey lift up the ladder and tip it over, sending Dawn flying over the top rope and through the ladder set up by Bob earlier. The crowd groans, then cheers, then start the third "HOLY SHIT" chant of the match)
O'Neill: "HARRIS HAS BROKEN THAT LADDER IN HALF!!! She is now part of a twisted pile of flesh and steel sitting at ringside!"
Barch: "That's a goddamn 15 to 20 foot fall, dammit! You know what, that's it. Li has gone too far this time by allowing her to participate in this match! Dawn, as talented as she is, is not made for such a barbaric environment, and now her career may be over before it truly blossoms thanks to the sadistic actions of Anarchy In The MD and Corey Bateman!"
O'Neill: "Indeed they were sadistic..."
Barch: "Get back to the match, skinny!"
O'Neill: "All right... er... Bateman is trying to set up the ladder again, but Rose and Hudson are bringing in two of their own!"
(Spike and Dave sandwich Corey underneath the big ladder by pushing their ladders through the rungs of the big one using them like a vice. The crowd start to chant "YOU SUCK")
Barch: "These two aren't going to be satisfied until they kill someone in the ring!"
O'Neill: "These anarchists from an undisclosed location are sick and twisted, but manage to innovate and excite every time they step inside those ropes."
Barch: "Oh God, they're climbing the ladder. Please don't let one of these assholes win..."
(As Spike and Dave start to climb up, a hooded figure jumps the barrier and pulls the ladder out from underneath Dave. He falls to the ground, landing hard on his fallen ladder)
O'Neill: "Wait a minute! Who is that?"
Barch: "I don't know, but Dave is out cold on the canvas! And now our mystery man is going up the ladder to get Spike!"
O'Neill: "Bateman is still groggy underneath the ladder! This match has certainly taken yet another twist."
(Just as Spike reaches for the contract, the hooded stranger hits him with a heavy punch, dazing him. He hits him one more time, sending Spike falling to the ladder below. The hooded stranger throws brass knuckles down to the mat)
Barch: "There. Karmic retribution has been served thanks to those brass knucks."
O'Neill: "After all this, is this man going to steal this match like a thief in the night?"
Barch: "Hold up, O'Neill. He's actually climbing down."
O'Neill: "If I could see his eyes, I'd bet that they're right on Bateman right now."
(The hooded stranger helps Corey to his feet, before throwing back the hood. Corey manages a smile as he realises who is helping him)
O'Neill: "JASON FOX? What is he doing here?"
Barch: "That's Corey's old tag team partner, skinny! He's come back to the LFC to help his buddy win the Stairway To Heaven ladder match!"
(Jason drops down and puts Corey on his shoulders, before climbing up the ladder. The crowd start booing at them)
O'Neill: "Fox has Bateman on his shoulders! He's giving him what could be a match-winning boost."
Barch: "I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, it's cheating, but it's not cheating. If you catch my drift."
O'Neill: "I don't, but the real question is can Corey Bateman seize the moment? A win here could really rejuvenate his career."
Barch: "It really could. He was a top contender in both singles and tag in the early days of the LFC but really faded into the background as the years went by. Honestly, up until the Rumble I thought he wasn't here anymore."
O'Neill: "There doesn't seem to be anyone else around. This could be it!"
(Corey and Jason reach the top of the ladder, giving Corey the chance to take a deep breath. Just as Corey reaches up for the contract, Robert and Ted get in the ring. They run off the ropes and hit matching shoulder tackles on the ladder, tipping it over. Jason falls to the mat, while Corey falls onto the top rope. The crowd groans as the rope goes between his proverbial uprights)
O'Neill: "Oh dear, it seems that one leg went east, the other leg went west and there was a collision at the crossroads!"
Barch: "Bahahahahaha! Look him writhe and squirm in pain!"
O'Neill: "One thing is definitely certain now from this match, and that is whatever plans Bateman had for the evening are now out the window."
(As Corey falls to the outside of the ring, Robert and Ted pick up Jason and put him on their shoulders)
Barch: "Looks like Jason's little cameo appearance tonight is about to come to an end."
O'Neill: "Korleski and DeWitt-Clinton are in complete control... and Fox gets hurled to the outside like so much bad rubbish."
Barch: "Ow! I think he clashed heads with Bateman on the landing!"
(Robert and Ted reset the ladder and start climbing up it. Robert reaches the top first, but, out of nowhere, Ted hits him with a right hand)
O'Neill: "Did I just see DeWitt-Clinton hit his own tag team partner?"
Barch: "You did, I did, 75,000 people in the crowd and a worldwide PPV audience did, but most importantly, Robert Korleski did!"
O'Neill: "Korleski now hits DeWitt-Clinton with a right hand of his own!"
Barch: "Here we go! I knew that they couldn't work together forever!"
O'Neill: "Korleski and DeWitt-Clinton are trading punches with each other like they're blood rivals! Listen to this capacity crowd, they're loving it!"
Barch: "This is a literal case of no more Mr. Nice Guy right here, skinny!"
(Suddenly, Josh springboards off the top rope and dropkicks the ladder, sending Ted and Robert falling to the outside on top of Guy and The Head)
O'Neill: "Korleski and DeWitt-Clinton fell all the way to the floor and Crawford and Parker are down again!"
Barch: "Where the hell did Josh come from this time? He's like freakin' Spiderman or something."
O'Neill: "Carter saving the match for himself and everyone else, but now he has the opportunity, with more than half the field down, to try and win it all!"
Barch: "Bob is back up as well, so it looks like it will be one of these two that wins it!"
(Josh sets up the ladder and slowly starts to climb it. Bob gets into the ring and starts climbing it a bit faster than Josh)
O'Neill: "Rollins is the fresher man, but Carter is there! He's got two hands on the contract!"
Barch: "He just needs to unhook it and it's over... boom, big left hand by Rollins!"
O'Neill: "Carter lets go, but now he's unloading with the lefts and rights on Rollins! If he is to go down, Carter will go down in a blaze of glory!"
Barch: "Bob is dazed! He's nearly gone!"
(Suddenly, Bob pulls a kendo stick out from behind his back and swings it right in Josh's face)
O'Neill: "Kendo stick shot right between the eyes! Carter is done!"
Barch: "That stick came from nowhere! Did Bob have it tucked in his pants the whole time?"
O'Neill: "Carter is out like a light and Rollins just pushes him off! He is all alone on the ladder now!"
Barch: "It's not over yet, skinny! Dawn is crawling, clawing her way back in to the ring! Come on Dawn! It's not too late!"
O'Neill: "Rollins is so close, he's got a hold of the contract... he's got it! YES!!! Bob Rollins has won the match!"
(Bob falls to the ring hard, but manages to summon the strength to raise the contract up to the crowd in celebration. The bell rings to end the match, and "I Wanna Be Sedated" starts to play. DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNER of the Stairway To Heaven Ladder match... BOB... ROLLINS!!!"
Winner - Bob Rollins
O'Neill: "BOB ROLLINS HAS REACHED SEVENTH HEAVEN!!! He has won an absolutely brutal Stairway To Heaven Ladder match and guaranteed himself an LFC Men's World Championship match any time he wants it!"
Barch: "I'll have to give him his due here as much as it pisses me off to compliment a man. Bob Rollins wanted it more than everyone else, plain and simple. Hey, maybe he'll have the championship match tonight! I'd love to see him smack that damn Upchuck around like a piñata."
O'Neill: "He very well could, but I think in his case discretion will be the better part of valour and Rollins will rest up and bide his time. After that match, he's earned it."
(Bob rolls out of the ring and starts to stagger back up the ramp, slapping hands with the crowd and holding the contract up high. He takes off an elbow pad and throws it into the crowd, before doing the same with the other one)
Barch: "OK. You've had your moment. No need to milk it dry there, Bob."
O'Neill: "We now take you to the back, where our backstage interviewer Claire Defoe is standing by!"
(Cut to Ms. Defoe standing in front of a fancy backdrop with a small monitor to her right looping the show's intro video, holding a microphone. She is also wearing an elegant dress for the night, a red one)
Defoe: "Please welcome my guests at this time, Sandi Griffin, Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Tori Jericho, The Fashion Club!"
(The crowd boos heavily as Sandi, Tiffany and Tori enter the picture. They are all wearing matching bedazzled robes, with Sandi's being magenta, Tiffany's being sky blue and Tori's being light purple)
Defoe: "Tonight, the three of you are headed into the
possibly the most dangerous match of your careers, as you fight Daria
(Sandi snatches the microphone away from Defoe)
Sandi: "You done, Claire? Get out of MY interview now and take that hideous dress with you."
(Defoe frowns and walks off-screen, while Sandi, Tiffany and Tori turn to the camera with a sinister smile on each of their faces)
Sandi: "Morgendorffer, Lane and Rowe... three names that will soon become mere footnotes in LFC history. You really have no earthly idea what you've gotten yourselves into, do you? There's a reason why The Fashion Club has been so dominant for so long, and that is because we are the most ruthless entity there has ever been in the history of this sport. We look to go beyond the limit at all times, and those who show the slightest bit of weakness or remorse get cast aside and obliterated. And that's what will happen to you three. Obliteration. For you see, no one here in the LFC, no one in all of wrestling, and especially none of these gelatinous tapeworms in the audience can match up to The Fashion Club. To put it into simple words that anyone can understand, we're hot... and you're not."
(The crowd boos heavily, while Sandi just smirks)
Sandi: "You know something, Daria? I realised something when we were beating your precious mother senseless all those weeks ago. I realised that this is what we were born to do. To destroy the unfashionables of this world. I enjoyed every single second of what we did to Helen Barksdale, and if he were there, I would have done the same thing to your father Jake, regardless of how many heart attacks he has had. We can do these things whenever we want to, Daria, because really, who can stop us? We are the reflections of perfection. We are the sensations of the nation. We are The Fashion Club, and as always, The Fashion Club isn't a trend..."
(The Fashion Club do their hand on heart salute)
Sandi: "It's forever."
(The Fashion Club turn to walk away but are suddenly blindsided by Daria, Jane and Stacy. They brawl for a bit until referees and security come in to separate them all)
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "Wow... their match is not until later tonight and they're already getting into it!"
Barch: "Look, I understand their frustration and hatred of The Fashion Club, but I don't see why they would have to stoop to that level, honestly."
O'Neill: "Let's get back on track here. Our next match is the tournament final to crown our first ever LFC Mixed Tag Team Champions. Commissioned by General Manager Angela Li after the success of the Lawndale Rumble, eight teams, each with one man and one woman, fought in a single elimination tournament. The two finalists are the team of Dewey "Shaggy" Rogers and Jennifer "Burnout" Burns, and their opponents, Evan Johnston and Siobhan "Chipmunk" Hogan of The Track Stars."
Barch: "Shaggy and Burnout are possibly the craziest pairing in the history of the LFC, but they are possibly the luckiest. Their quarter final against Upchuck and Dawn Harris was a glorified handicap match when Dawn turned her back on Upchuck, and really who could blame her? Then they got really lucky in the semi final when they defeated Sandi Griffin and Joey Black after Stacy Rowe interfered. I just think that they're out of their depth here. Meanwhile, The Track Stars had a very convincing win over Josh Carter and Brooke Watkins, as well as an upset win over Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor. Add that to their chemistry from years of teaming and training together, and you can see why I think Evan and Siobhan are the favourites."
O'Neill: "On that note, it's over to Anthony!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following CONTEST is an INTERGENDER TAG TEAM MATCH, scheduled for ONE fall, and it is FOR the LFC Mixed TAG TEAM Championship!"
(The crowd cheers. Then, "Kicking And Screaming" by The Presets begins to play, causing them to go somewhat quiet)
DeMartino: "Introducing FIRST... fighting out of
(Evan and Chipmunk make their way onto the entrance stage to decent boos and warm up by jogging on the spot. They are wearing matching brown, orange and black tracksuits as their entrance attire)
Barch: "New theme tonight for The Track Stars. I'm not really feeling it."
O'Neill: "They're only just warming up now? They've had all day to do that!"
Barch: "These two are fitness fanatics, Tim. They're always in motion, and that commitment to their health and wellbeing has brought them to the big stage with a great chance to win gold."
O'Neill: "That is true. Also while we have The Track Stars out here, we would like to send our best wishes to Les Lewis, The Track Stars's third member, as he continues his recovery from the serious Achilles injury that he sustained 6 months ago."
(They get in the ring, hop up on the turnbuckles and arrogantly pose to the crowd. They get some healthy booing for their troubles. They jump down and strip down to their wrestling attire, matching brown, orange and black wrestling singlets and orange sweatbands. Their theme fades out and "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Burnout's theme, starts to play. The crowd cheers loudly in response)
DeMartino: Introducing their OPPONENTS... accompanied
by LFC Hall Of Famer COYOTE YEAGER... fighting out of
(Shaggy and Burnout slowly make their way onto the entrance stage with their typical dazed facial expressions, followed by Coyote. Shaggy and Burnout are both wearing baggy brown pants and dark green singlets, while Coyote is in his regular casual attire. Burnout is also wearing bundles of white streamers around her arms and on her boots)
O'Neill: "Listen to the ovation for these two cult heroes of the LFC!"
Barch: "You talk about your unorthodox fighters, but Shaggy and Burnout are way beyond unorthodox. They reject our reality and substitute their own. But my reality is that they have to be at their absolute best if they want to topple The Track Stars tonight.
O'Neill: "And take a look at who they have in their corner, Janet. That's Coyote Yeager, part of this year's inaugural LFC Hall Of Fame induction class! Imagine how much motivation it gives these youngsters to have a legend of the sport in their corner."
Barch: "I'd say it's very motivating, but they have to make sure he doesn't get involved physically, lest they get disqualified and forfeit the match and the gold."
(They get into the ring, with Shaggy and Burnout hopping onto the middle ropes and posing for the crowd and Coyote applauding them from behind. As they get off the ropes, their theme fades out)
DeMartino: "And when the action BEGINS, the referee in CHARGE for this contest is Nick Campbell."
(Nick walks into the ring with two large bronze-coloured belts and raises them up to the crowd. He shows them to Evan and Chipmunk, then Shaggy and Burnout, before he hands them to DeMartino, who gets out of the ring with them)
O'Neill: "I think we're going to start with Hogan and Burns being the legal fighters."
Barch: "That's a great way to start the match. Siobhan is lightning-fast on her feet, while Burnout has all that unorthodox and high-risk offense she uses, so the thrills will be coming thick and fast."
(The bell rings, signifying the start of the match)
O'Neill: "The bell rings and we are underway with this first of five championship matches tonight."
(Burnout ducks under a clothesline and grabs Chipmunk from behind with a rear waistlock. Chipmunk counters and does the same to Burnout. They exchange counters until Burnout slams her to the mat)
O'Neill: "Great counter wrestling by Burns gives her the upper hand early in the match."
Barch: "Yeah. You don't hear about Burnout's other skills because she's usually done something completely insane that everyone is talking about instead."
(Burnout waits for Chipmunk to get up. When she does, she walks over to her corner and puts her fingers to her neck)
O'Neill: "Hogan is... checking her pulse. I think she should be focusing more on the match than her heart rate right now."
Barch: "Nonsense. All she is doing making sure her body is at optimum condition. Any slip in standard now could prove costly later on."
(Fed up, Burnout turns Chipmunk around and whips her into the ropes. Burnout runs the ropes with her and as Chipmunk turns around she hits a jumping clothesline)
Barch: "Burnout seems to have scouted Siobhan's speed advantage. That's not like her at all."
O'Neill: "It just goes to show how important this match is to her. To my knowledge, this is her first match ever for an LFC title."
Barch: "I just hope Shaggy shows the same sort of commitment."
(Burnout picks up Chipmunk, drag her over to her home corner and tags in Shaggy)
O'Neill: "Well, time to find out!"
Barch: "The signs aren't good. I mean, he's still wearing his sunglasses for crying out loud!"
O'Neill: "We are in an open-air stadium at sunset, Janet. The sun's probably in his eyes."
Barch: "Or he's been chasing the dragon all night. Either way it's rather stupid."
(Shaggy picks up Chipmunk and throws her down with a body slam. He then tags Burnout back in, who climbs to the top rope)
O'Neill: "Rogers and Burns making good use of the quick tags here."
Barch: "Shaggy didn't last long. He probably has the munchies and is about to bolt to the concession stand for some 10 dollar hot dogs."
O'Neill: "The crowd is on their feet as Burns gets ready for some of her signature offense!"
(Burnout jumps off the top rope and hits Chipmunk with a senton bomb. She rolls over and tries for a pinfall)
O'Neill: "1... 2... and no. The senton gets a 2 count from referee Nick Campbell."
Barch: "That's exactly what the crowd like to see her do. High risk, high risk, high risk. But honestly, I think she needs to adopt more styles into her ringwork, lest she become a one-trick pony."
O'Neill: "I think Burns is the kind of person who'd rather practice one move a thousand times than practice a thousand moves once."
(Burnout picks up Chipmunk and whips her to a neutral corner. She then climbs up on the turnbuckle and starts punching Chipmunk's head repeatedly. The crowd counts along with each punch)
O'Neill: "Strike after strike to the head of Hogan and Burns is really starting to assert her authority on this match."
Barch: "Siobhan is reeling in the corner, and it looks like Burnout is going to go for the killer blow early!"
O'Neill: "Burns is preparing for Crashing Burns!"
(Burnout runs from the opposite corner and tries a spinning heel kick, but she hits only rope and turnbuckle as Evan pulls Chipmunk out of the way. Burnout is crumpled in a heap in the corner)
Barch: "She didn't hit Crashing Burns, instead she simply crashed and burned."
O'Neill: "She tried for the big finish early and it hasn't paid off. And now Hogan with the cover. Burnout gets up at 2."
(Chipmunk picks up Burnout and takes her over to their home corner, where she tags in Evan. She whips Burnout into the turnbuckle, then hits her with a clothesline. Evan follows with one of his own)
Barch: "Now this is what I don't like about the matches, the blatant and encouraged misogyny that can take place."
O'Neill: "It is an awkward situation, but if they're willing to get in the ring for these kind of matches, then they probably know what they're in for."
Barch: "I still don't like it. I mean, just look at Evan working over the neck with that chokehold! Surely that should be a disqualification."
O'Neill: "If it were a chokehold, then yes it would, but it's a sleeper hold."
Barch: "Well, either way Burnout can't breathe, can she?"
(Burnout starts to fight out of it, but gets thrown the ground. Evan walks over to his corner and tags in Chipmunk)
O'Neill: "I would have to say that the running shoe is on the other foot, so to speak."
Barch: "Yep, The Track Stars have isolated Burnout from her partner and they are looking great."
(Chipmunk turns Burnout over onto her stomach, grabs the ankle and twists it at a painful angle. Burnout starts screaming in agony)
O'Neill: "She's got the ankle, Janet! It's that dangerous ankle lock of hers and it is locked in tight!"
Barch: "It's the same move that took out Brooke Watkins in the first round of this tournament. Could it be the move that wins the LFC Mixed Tag Team Championship?"
O'Neill: "Look at Burns trying to work her way out of this predicament. She has come too far just to give up now!"
Barch: "Siobhan is struggling to keep Burnout still, and she's actually almost at her corner!"
O'Neill: "Burns is only a fingertip away from tagging
(Suddenly, Evan rushes into the ring and hits Shaggy with a clothesline, knocking him down to the floor and rendering him unable to receive a tag. Chipmunk pulls Burnout back into the middle of the ring and drops down on her leg to prevent escape, as the crowd start to chant "YOU SUCK")
Barch: "Great teamwork there by The Track Stars! Evan saw that Siobhan was in danger and made the save for the team!"
O'Neill: "More like blatant cheating. Burns was about to make the tag, and now it looks like she could be about to submit."
Barch: "No shame in being beaten by a better team, Tim."
(Burnout is trying to get to the ropes to break up the submission, but can't. In a last-ditch attempt to get out of the move, she starts kicking Chipmunk in the head with her free foot)
Barch: "Shot after shot to the head of Siobhan Hogan! She's losing her grip on the ankle!"
O'Neill: "And Burns is free of the submission, but
the damage may already be done. She needs to tag in to
Barch: "Look at her holding the ropes as she gets up. She can barely stand on that leg right now."
(Burnout hops over to Chipmunk and starts hitting her with knife-edge chops. This sends her reeling into a neutral corner)
O'Neill: "Burns trying to mount a comeback here, but her speed has surely been neutralised by her ankle injury."
Barch: "Burnout is going to the opposite corner again. Does she have enough in her for a Crashing Burns this time?"
(Burnout takes one step and collapses on her injured ankle. As she clutches at it, Chipmunk stumbles out of the corner and hits Burnout with an elbow drop to the head)
Barch: "That pointed elbow right to the temple could put her away here, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Indeed it could right now as she goes for the cover... 1... 2... and no. Only 2."
Barch: "There is no denying Burnout's heart, but the body may not be able to hold up its end of the bargain."
O'Neill: "I know, just looking at the eyes of Jennifer Burns and you can see just how glazed over they are right now."
Barch: "Her eyes are always glazed over, skinny."
(Chipmunk picks her up and lets her stand. Burnout is out on her feet. She swings wildly but Chipmunk sees it coming and ducks. Burnout swings again with the exact same results)
Barch: "They're just toying with her now. One big move will finish the match and turn Shaggy and Burnout's excellent adventure into a bogus journey."
O'Neill: "I have to agree with you here. It looks like the dream run of Dewey Rogers and Jennifer Burns ends tonight."
(Chipmunk runs the ropes in preparation for something but gets hit with a sudden spinning heel kick by Burnout)
Barch: "But how on Earth did she find the strength in one good foot to hit that?"
O'Neill: "Burns hits the Crashing Burns out of nowhere! But she hasn't got enough left in her make the cover!"
Barch: "Siobhan is almost out unconscious, but Burnout can't capitalise on it. She needs to make the tag!"
O'Neill: "They both do! They're just crawling to their corners, their partners begging them to reach out and tag them into the match!"
(With her last bit of stamina, Burnout gets on her feet and jumps her corner to make the tag to Shaggy. Meanwhile, Chipmunk tags in Evan)
O'Neill: "Burns makes the tag and so does Hogan! And in comes Rogers and Johnston!"
(Shaggy hits Evan with multiple clotheslines and a dropkick, before charging to the opposition corner and giving Chipmunk a shoulder tackle, making her fall off the apron)
Barch: "Now why did he need to commit that act of blatant misogyny?"
O'Neill: "Maybe to prevent interference from her later in the match. Remember that's how they beat Thompson and Taylor in the semi."
Barch: "He's taking off the sunglasses! That either means he's about to get down to business or the hangover has finally gone away."
(Shaggy prepares Evan for a suplex, but also grabs his leg)
O'Neill: "He's hooking
Barch: "No! Evan drops behind!"
(Shaggy covers Evan for a pinfall attempt. The referee gets to two, but is pulled out of the ring by Chipmunk. The crowd boos heavily, while Chipmunk pleads innocence)
O'Neill: "Now THAT was unnecessary, Janet."
Barch: "It may be against the rules, but it was a match-saving move by Siobhan. Great strategy!"
O'Neill: "Look at Burns! She's poised on the top rope!"
(Burnout jumps off the top rope, hitting Chipmunk on the outside with a moonsault. The crowd starts to chant "BURNOUT")
O'Neill: "Burns cements her place on the highlight reel for tonight with that amazing aerial offensive move!"
Barch: "Now that's a quick and effective way to take someone out of the match."
O'Neill: "Back in the ring and
Barch: "Evan counters again into a cover of his own!"
(Evan grabs the rope for extra leverage, an illegal move, out of view of the referee. As he gets to 2, Coyote slaps his hand off the rope, distracting Evan and stopping the pin)
O'Neill: "Yeager acting like an unofficial enforcer here. If Johnston and Hogan are going to win this, it will have to be clean."
Barch: "I don't think Evan really appreciated that assist. Anyway, he has got Shaggy's arm, and we know what this means!"
O'Neill: "It means that it's Athlete's Foot time. He hits it here, and the Mixed Tag Team Championship are going to The Track Stars."
(Evan tries for his finisher, but Shaggy fights out of it. However, Evan gets back the upper hand by raking the eyes. The crowd boos heavily. While the referee checks on Shaggy, Evan goes over to Coyote and starts talking trash to him)
Barch: "I really wouldn't recommend this course of action, Evan."
O'Neill: "He may be getting up there in the years, but Coyote Yeager is still not one to mess around with."
(Coyote gets up on the apron and tries to calm Evan down, only to get slapped in the face. He tries to do it again, but an enraged Coyote grabs his hand with his left, then punches him with the right before landing a huge blow with the left that knocks him to the ground. The crowd erupts with loud cheering)
O'Neill: "THUNDEROUS BLOWS BY YEAGER!!!
Barch: "Where was the referee? Evan is now in big trouble thanks to that blatant interference!"
"O'Neill: "Um... I suppose you missed
(Shaggy picks up Evan and sets up for the suplex, hooking Evan's leg again. He lifts him up and over and hits the move this time. Shaggy continues to hold the leg for a bridging pin)
Barch: "Where is Siobhan? Get in there and save the match!"
(Shaggy is on his knees, almost perfectly still, stunned that his team has won the match. Burnout hobbles into the ring, picks him up and hugs him, before they both start to jump up and down in an excited manner (well, Shaggy does anyway). The bell rings to end the match, and "I Choose" by The Offspring, Shaggy's theme, starts to play. Nick presents Shaggy and Burnout with the championship belts as DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNERS of this match and... NEW LFC Mixed TAG TEAM Champions... JENNIFER "BURNOUT" BURNS and DEWEY "SHAGGY" ROGERS!!!"
Winners - Dewey "Shaggy" Rogers and Jennifer "Burnout" Burns
O'Neill: "WE HAVE CROWNED OUR FIRST EVER LFC MIXED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!! Dewey Rogers and Jennifer Burns have won the gold!"
Barch: "Congratulations to them both, but while the fairytale has come true for Shaggy and Burnout, The Track Stars have every right to a rematch in my opinion. Hall of Famer or not, Coyote Yeager had no right attacking Evan like that."
O'Neill: "Just as
(Coyote raises Shaggy and Burnout's arms to the crowd, before they each climb up a turnbuckle and raise their belts high to a loud reception. Soon enough, they get out of the ring and start walking back up the ramp)
O'Neill: "We have Diane Bennett waiting in the entrance ramp for the first ever LFC Mixed Tag Team Champions, and here they are now."
(Cut to Mrs. Bennett, wearing a blue dress, standing on the entrance stage holding a microphone. Shaggy, Burnout and Coyote walk up to her)
Bennett: "Dewey Rogers, Jennifer Burns, you are the first ever Mixed Tag Team Champions of the LFC! How does that sound?"
Burnout: "Whoa... we won that match?"
Shaggy: "Yeah! We did!"
Burnout: "Oh... sweet! I was wondering how I got this belt."
Bennett: "How did it feel to have Coyote Yeager, an LFC Hall of Famer, in your corner tonight?"
Burnout: "Uh... I thought it was a real, like, honour to have a man like Coyote Yeager in our corner. I mean, he was, like, the man back in the day! Well, he wasn't The Man but... help me, Shaggy."
Shaggy: "I think what my most esteemed dudette here is trying to say is that Coyote was our hero growing up and we will do our best to defend these championship belts with the same energy and spirit that he would have."
Bennett: "Coyote Yeager, any comments?"
Coyote: "Man, it's going to be cool watching these two fly their freak flag in the mixed tag division for years to come."
Bennett: "Dewey, Jennifer, is there anything else you would like to say?"
Shaggy: "Yeah... I just want to say be excellent to each other, and I'd like to give a special shoutout to my baby girl at home. WE DID IT MARY JANE!!! WE DID IT!!!"
Burnout: "Party on,
Bennett: "Thank you for your time. A round of applause please for the LFC Mixed Tag Team Champions!"
(The crowd cheers as Shaggy and Burnout salute the crowd with their belts one more time)
Barch: "I doubt that he was referring to a human girlfriend there."
O'Neill: "The first title match of "Is It 'Mania Yet?" goes the way of Dewey "Shaggy" Rogers and Jennifer "Burnout" Burns, the first ever LFC Mixed Tag Team Champions!"
(Cut to a dressing room. Security guards can be seen standing at the door. Pan over to Daria, Jane and Stacy, sitting in a circle of chairs. They are all in assorted entrance attire, Daria and Jane in green and red satin boxing robes and Stacy in a black leather jacket)
Jane: "That went well."
Stacy: "I'm sorry I didn't hurt them as much as you wanted me to."
Jane: "Don't sweat it. Wow, you're like the most perpetually-distressed woman I've ever met."
Stacy: "Haha... yeah. But we have our proper match later, and then we hurt them as much as we want! Especially that stupid Sandi."
Jane: "That's true. I still feel bad about how we've kind of hijacked your own personal revenge mission against these drones."
Stacy: "No biggie. It's always good to have someone watch your back. Besides, with rebellion, awareness is born, right?"
Jane: "Nice, you just quoted Camus! Hey, Daria, your influence is finally rubbing off on her! Daria?"
(Daria is reading a book, in a state of deep contemplation. She puts down the book and takes a deep breath as Jane and Stacy pay close attention)
Daria: "During a recent trip to the Boston Library, I found this book. When I saw the title, I presumed it was a biography of Sandi Griffin and The Fashion Club."
(Stacy looks at the book and starts to laugh nervously)
Stacy: "Um... you guys don't think I'm a hooker, do you?"
Jane: "No way. You'd never need to resort to that to get love and money thrown at you."
Daria: "As I was saying, it turned out to be the biography of my grandfather, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer, maybe the greatest wrestler in the world from the '40s through the '60s. Now Sandi, Tiffany and what's-her-name might find this hard to believe, but there's more than one kind of "hooker". There's their kind, and the wrestling kind. A hooker in wrestling knows holds that can really hurt someone. And by hurt, I don't mean hurt their feelings, or smudge their lipstick or mascara. Or even pull out an earring and damage those so-called perfect lobes of theirs. I'm talking concussions, broken bones. Things that would put them in a hospital where they'd have to wear an ugly cast or one of those ugly green hospital gowns. Tonight, they will find out how much one can learn from a book."
(Daria goes back to reading)
Jane: "We've always been happy just to stand by and watch the chaos happen around us, haven't we Daria?"
Daria: "It's all we've ever known."
Jane: "Well tonight, we're not going to just be bystanders this time. Tonight, we are going to be the chaos. Tonight, we erase this stain on the face of the LFC known as The Fashion Club."
(Daria puts down the book again)
Daria: "I hope so, Jane. Then maybe, just maybe, I can get a good night's sleep for once."
(Daria stares off into space, while Jane and Stacy look unsure as to what to say in response)
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "I have never seen Daria Morgendorffer so intense. It's honestly quite unnerving to be honest with you."
Barch: "Ever since the assault on LFC Hall Of Famer
Helen Barksdale all those weeks ago, she's been a woman on a mission. Tonight,
she, as well as
O'Neill: "You mentioned the disgusting attack on Helen Barksdale, and because of that The Fashion Club were fined and stripped of the LFC Women's Tag Team Championships. And this is how we ended up with our next contest, a gauntlet match for that particular set of gold."
Barch: "Gauntlet rules are similar to the Lawndale Rumble, but instead of timed entrances, the next team only enters when a team is eliminated. And eliminations occur by the standard match rules of pinfall, submission, disqualification and count-out instead of over the top rope."
O'Neill: "As of close of entries earlier today, we had seven teams enter this match, all looking to hold some gold. Any favourites you can see?"
Barch: "The Cheerleader Squad Blue Team of Angie Zammit and Lisa Fisher are the only team to have previously held the tag titles, but they were both separate reigns with Brittany Taylor, not together. The Dames of Darkness, Andrea Hecuba-Thorne and Scarlett LeFaye will be the undisputed crowd favourites, but my pick would have to be A-List Incorporated. Winona Polizzi and Ruby Montag are a new team, but dammit haven't they taken the world by storm! The crowd haven't really warmed to them, but it doesn't really matter. They're here for gold, not friends."
O'Neill: "Let's go to Anthony!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the following CONTEST is a TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH, and it is FOR the LFC Women's TAG TEAM Championship!"
(The crowd cheers. Then, "Gold Lion" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Brooke's theme, begins to play. The crowd cheers, but not as loud as before)
DeMartino: "Introducing FIRST... fighting out of
(Brooke and Kristen both make their way onto the entrance stage. Brooke is wearing a pink and blue singlet and shorts for her attire, as well as her protective facemask, while Kristen is wearing a black and purple singlet and tights)
O'Neill: "These two have never teamed before. As a matter of fact Watkins has only just returned to the main roster from the casualty ward in the last couple of weeks after her injury at the Lawndale Rumble."
Barch: "I think Brooke has chosen wisely in having a solid hand like Kristen ease her back in. Hopefully, Brooke's face will fare better than it did at the Rumble."
O'Neill: "Watkins is quite an inspiring story. She had an 18 month stint on the sideline after suffering a nasal relapse in a match against Sandi Griffin, followed by reconstructive surgery and extensive rehabilitation. But Watkins came back, her hunger for success as strong as ever, and she has become a regular fixture of the LFC."
(As they get into the ring, their theme fades out and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper begins to play. The crowd gives a decent cheer and DeMartino starts freaking out)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of Great
Prairie, Virginia, here are NIKKI DOWLING and DONNA
(Nikki and Donna both make their way onto the entrance stage and do a couple of cheerleading moves. Both are wearing an inverted version of their cheerleading attire, with yellow being the predominant colour over blue. Both are carrying pompoms)
Barch: "I love seeing The Cheerleader Squad, if only just for the fact that DeMartino damn near has a seizure each time their theme plays!"
O'Neill: "This team is the least experienced of the
two Cheerleader Squad teams, but that is pretty much only due to
Barch: "Another developmental call-up, Tim, and hopefully she'll make the most of her opportunity here."
(They get into the ring, jump up on the turnbuckle and shake their pompoms. As they get down, their theme fades out)
DeMartino: "And when the action BEGINS, the referee in CHARGE for this contest is Jesse Moreno."
(Jesse walks into the ring with two large silver-coloured belts and raises them up to the crowd. He shows them to Brooke and Kristen, then Nikki and Donna, before he hands them to DeMartino, who gets out of the ring with them)
O'Neill: "The seven teams each drew an entry number not even an hour ago, and these two teams were the unlucky group that pulled numbers 1 and 2."
Barch: "But there is an important difference between this match and the Rumble. It will only ever be a two-on-two match, with the next teams only coming in when a team gets pinned, submitted, disqualified or counted out."
O'Neill: "It looks like Leung and Dowling will start us off."
(The bell rings, signifying the start of the match. Kristen and Nikki touch hands in mutual respect before they lock up. Kristen pushes Nikki away and whips her to the opposite ropes)
O'Neill: "Dowling off the ropes, right into a Leung side kick."
Barch: "Kristen loves those martial arts strikes, and she will need to utilise every one if her and Brooke are going to go all the way."
O'Neill: "Leung slow to cover, and referee Jesse Moreno only counts 1."
(Kristen grabs Nikki's leg and prepares for a catapult-like move. She does it, but Nikki lands feet-first on the middle turnbuckle and counters with a crossbody)
O'Neill: "Crossbody by Dowling off the counter, shoulders are down! Only a 2 count."
Barch: "Agile counters like that just goes to show how handy all that cheerleader training is."
O'Neill: "Leung is in a bit of trouble in the early going."
(Nikki picks up Kristen and whips her into her home corner. She tags in Donna, who goes back to the opposite corner in preparation for a move)
Barch: "Donna has only been on the main roster for a short time but she is already developing a following."
O'Neill: "And it is through moves like this... a cartwheel into the big forearm strike, right to the head of Kristen Leung!"
Barch: "She is out! If Donna could make the cover here they move on to the next team!"
(Donna tries to pin Kristen, but Jesse refuses to count as Kristen's foot is under the ropes, a technical rope break. Donna moves Kristen away from the ropes and tries again)
Barch: "There's the inexperience of Donna coming into play there. That could give Kristen crucial extra seconds to recover."
(Donna picks up Kristen and tries for a kick to the mid-section, but Kristen catches the foot)
Barch: "Kristen still with the awareness to catch the kick, and down goes Donna with a quick leg-sweep!"
O'Neill: "But Leung is damaged goods here. She needs to tag in the fresher Watkins."
Barch: "She's heading that way now and there's the tag!"
O'Neill: "Brooke Watkins, the perennial underdog of
the LFC women's division, is in the match and she is rolling! Clothesline to
(Brooke knocks Donna with another clothesline, before hitting a quick suplex. Brooke points to the turnbuckle, to which the crowd responds with a hearty cheer)
O'Neill: "Watkins is going upstairs! Could this be the end for the first of our Cheerleader Squad teams?"
Barch: "It very well could be. Brooke doesn't go to the top rope very often, but when she does, she usually makes it count."
(Brooke gets onto the top turnbuckle and jumps off it with a flying elbow drop. She goes for the cover)
O'Neill: "The big elbow drop by Watkins, will that be enough?"
Barch: "1... 2... and Nikki Dowling makes the save for her team by breaking up the pin! It had to be done, Tim, otherwise it was all over."
O'Neill: "Here comes Leung into the ring... she tries for a roundhouse kick on Dowling!"
Barch: "Nikki ducks under and sends Kristen to the floor! Great awareness."
(Donna and Brooke lock up and grapple towards the Cheerleader Squad corner. Nikki slaps Donna's back to make a tag and climbs to the top rope)
Barch: "Nikki makes the blind tag! Donna isn't the legal partner and Brooke doesn't know!"
O'Neill: "DDT on
Barch: "Don't turn around, Brooke! You won't like what you see!"
O'Neill: "Dowling with a sunset flip off the top rope... Watkins rolls through!"
Barch: "Nikki counters, shoulders are down!"
O'Neill: "1... 2... 3! Great counter by Dowling and that eliminates Watkins and Leung."
Barch: "One team down! And the next team is..."
("OMG" by Usher starts to play, but there is little reaction from the crowd. LaToya and Aleesha appear on the entrance stage and start running to the ring. LaToya is wearing a one piece orange attire, while Aleesha is wearing a white singlet and jeans)
O'Neill: "LaToya Jones and Aleesha Nibblett, the proud natives of funky North Philly, make their PPV debut as the next entrants in this gauntlet match. Not much is known about these two, but the stage is set for a team like them to shock the world here tonight."
Barch: "Don't ever let me hear you say the phrase 'funky North Philly' ever again. It sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth."
O'Neill: "Either way, this should silence them temporarily, as they have made clear many times that they aren't being given the opportunities they deserve."
Barch: "But that's true! The fact that they have been in the company for a few months now and are only getting their first title shot tonight is a travesty."
(Their theme fades out as LaToya gets into the ring and starts trading punches with Nikki)
O'Neill: "And Jones is right into it, trading lefts and rights with Dowling!"
Barch: "These two love to take the fight right to their opponents, but this kind of strategy usually leaves them at a disadvantage in longer matches."
O'Neill: "And a huge right hook by Jones sends Dowling to the ground!"
Barch: "But look, she's already going for the tag. Hopefully they worked on their stamina going into this."
(LaToya tags in Aleesha, who works over Nikki on the ground)
O'Neill: "Nibblett with some vicious ground and pound there on Dowling."
Barch: "Nikki's face isn't going to look too good at the end of this. She has been eating some huge blows."
O'Neill: "Nibblett with the cover... and that was very close. A long 2 count by referee Jesse Moreno."
(Aleesha gets up and starts arguing with the referee)
O'Neill: "Nibblett remonstrating with our match official about that count. She must be pretty adamant that was a 3 count."
Barch: "Well it was very close, and
O'Neill: "Either way, she can't afford to let this throw her off her game."
Barch: "She's now trying for a submission on Nikki, so I could safely say that it hasn't."
(Aleesha grabs Nikki's legs to try for a leg lock, but Nikki kicks her away and makes the tag to Donna)
O'Neill: "Dowling makes the tag, and
Barch: "Look at her go here with these dropkicks! She is a house on fire right now!"
O'Neill: "Dropkick after dropkick right to the head of Aleesha Nibblett and it looks like The Cheerleader Squad Yellow Team has the upper hand once again."
(Donna whips Aleesha to the LaToya/Aleesha corner. Unknown to Donna, LaToya tags herself back in. As Donna goes for another cartwheel move, LaToya clotheslines her in the back of the head. The crowd groans)
Barch: "Damn! Donna Bolton is surely out after that sick clothesline!"
O'Neill: "I'd have to agree, I mean she hasn't moved."
(LaToya goes for the cover. At the last possible moment, however, Donna kicks out)
Barch: "She kicked out? Seriously? What is it going to take?"
Barch: "I think LaToya has decided that it's time to stop messing around."
(LaToya picks up Donna and goes behind. She goes for an inverted suplex, but Donna changes the momentum and hits a cutter)
Barch: "I can't tell who got the worst of that there. I know that LaToya was going for something..."
O'Neill: "I think
Barch: "1... 2... 3! Another team bites the dust, skinny!"
O'Neill: "The Cheerleader Squad Yellow Team get past team number 3. Who will be coming through the curtain now?"
("Rattlesnake Shake" by Mötley Crüe starts to play, and the crowd responds with decent booing. Angel and Jackie appear on the entrance stage and start running to the ring. Both are wearing red, blue and silver singlets, white shorts and fishnet stockings)
Barch: "Oh boy! Look what the cat dragged in!"
O'Neill: "It's That '80s Team, Angel Ferrana and Jackie Wentworth. They describe themselves as a literal throwback to the time of big hair, big riffs and bad attitudes. And I'd have to agree specifically on the bad attitude part."
Barch: "They don't have bad attitudes. They just have no time for squares like you. Besides, as soon as they win this match, they'll be too busy partying on the Sunset Strip to even worry about their bad reputation."
O'Neill: "That's two so far, Janet. How many '80s rock references are you going to make before they get eliminated?"
Barch: "I'm trying for double figures this week!"
(Their theme fades out as Jackie gets into the ring and starts stomping the fatigued Donna. The crowd start chanting "SLUT")
O'Neill: "Our capacity crowd are using some... choice words here to get under the skin of Wentworth."
Barch: "Are you kidding me? This crowd is making me sick right now! There is no need for that kind of conduct by our fans. And I bet they're all men chanting that out too. Jealous men who would give their first-born child for five minutes with Jackie Wentworth."
O'Neill: "Personal life aside, Wentworth is a talented wrestler with untapped potential. That goes for Ferrana as well."
Barch: "Most definitely. Look at Jackie just dismantling Donna here!"
(Jackie walks over to her corner and tags in Angel. Angel goes straight to the ground and locks in a double-underhook submission on Donna)
O'Neill: "Ferrana locks in Angel's Wings and it could
very well be all over here for
Barch: "She's tapping! Donna's tapping!"
O'Neill: "Excellent showing by The Cheerleader Squad Yellow Team, but that Angel's Wings is one of the deadliest submissions here in the LFC, and even at full strength it would be hard for someone to not tap out."
Barch: "No shame in knowing when to walk away and fight another day."
O'Neill: "Anyway, That '80s Team is now awaiting the next challengers."
("Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" plays for the second time,
the crowd gives a loud cheer and DeMartino puts his fingers in his ears. Angie
and Lisa appear on the entrance stage and do a quick cheer, before they start
running to the ring. On their way, they hug their defeated teammates Nikki and
Donna, who are walking back up the ramp. Angie and Lisa are both wearing the
O'Neill: "From one Cheerleading Squad team to the other! Here comes the blue team, Angie Zammit and Lisa Fisher!"
Barch: "Angie has been the defacto leader of the group while Brittany Taylor has been training for her World Championship match, so now it's time to see if that leadership experience ends up with her first tag title reign without Brittany as her partner."
O'Neill: "It would also be Fisher's first reign
(Their theme fades out as they get in the ring and start brawling with Angel and Jackie)
O'Neill: "Zammit and Fisher are doing their damndest to try and get revenge for their fallen teammates!"
Barch: "You couldn't get personalities that clashed anymore than this. We have preppy All-American cheerleaders clashing with sleazy rock chicks. Only in the LFC, O'Neill!"
O'Neill: "Bang! High kick by Fisher knocks down Ferrana!"
(Lisa goes for a cover on Angel, but it only gets a 1 count. She gets up and tags in Angie)
O'Neill: "Tag made and Zammit is in, but Ferrana is still down."
Barch: "It's going to take a lot more than a well-placed kick to take down Angel. For a start, that hair of hers provide unbelievable cushioning."
O'Neill: "In the meantime, here comes Zammit off the ropes and she hits a big leg drop!"
Barch: "Of course, that hair won't protect the front of the face."
O'Neill: "Another cover attempt and that gets... 2."
(Angie goes for a second leg drop but Angel rolls out of the way, leaving Angie to land right on her tailbone. Angel runs the ropes and boots Angie right in the face)
Barch: "Goddamn! Angie is going to have that bootprint on her face for the next week!"
O'Neill: "Zammit went to the well once too often and she paid the price."
(Angel takes the time to arrogantly mock Angie by doing some star jumps, before tagging in Jackie. The crowd boos heavily in response)
O'Neill: "Look at that. No respect whatsoever for their opponents!"
Barch: "Pfft! Respect is overrated. I didn't get it, and I turned out all right."
O'Neill: "I guess... anyway, Wentworth is back in and giving Zammit the business."
Barch: "And you know just as much as I do, that she loves to do that."
(Jackie locks in a chinlock and starts to work over the neck. Angie tries to fight out of it, but starts to fade)
Barch: "That '80s Team are close to yet another submission elimination, Tim!"
O'Neill: "Zammit is nearly out, but this capacity crowd are trying to bring her back. Listen to them going off!"
Barch: "It's working! Angie's getting the rattlesnake shakes!"
O'Neill: "There's an elbow to the sternum of Wentworth! And another! There's a third! Zammit is running on pure adrenalin right now!"
(Angie makes it back to her feet and starts throwing punches at Jackie. However, she tries one too many, as Jackie ducks and picks her up on her shoulders)
O'Neill: "Zammit is a huge predicament here! If Wentworth hits the Rebel Yell from here, it is over!"
Barch: "Here she goes... no wait she's countered into a hurricanrana!"
O'Neill: "With every ounce of strength she had left in her body, Angie Zammit counters into a hurricanrana and now they're both down!"
Barch: "Look at Lisa! You can see in her eyes how bad she wants this tag!"
(Both Angie and Jackie crawl to their corners and make the hot tags to their respective partners. Lisa charges in, only to eat a hard clothesline from Angel)
Barch: "That's not usually how these things go, Tim."
O'Neill: "Hard lariat by Ferrana could do it here for That '80s Team. She goes for the cover... 1... 2... and she got her... wait... that was another close 2."
O'Neill: "Ferrana giving him a piece of her mind right now. Wow... first Aleesha Nibblett and now Angel Ferrana finding referee Jesse Moreno's counts not to their liking."
Barch: "Forget that! Lisa is back up! Turn around Angel, for the love of God turn around!"
(Lisa grabs Angel by the hair and lifts her up over her shoulders. Jackie runs in to try and save her partner, but Lisa uses Angel's legs to knock her down)
Barch: "Jackie making the sav... never mind."
O'Neill: "Ferrana is about to go for the ride here... and down she goes with a vicious powerslam!"
Barch: "That would take the wind out of anyone's sails... why isn't Fisher going for the cover?"
(Lisa tags in Angie, who grabs Lisa's hands and stands on her shoulders. They slowly go to the middle of the ring before Angie jumps off Lisa's shoulders, hitting a huge splash on Angel)
O'Neill: "Did you see the elevation on that? Holy Moses!"
Barch: "Yes I did, Tim, and this crowd is eating it up! Ingenious double-team offense by Angie and Lisa!"
O'Neill: "Zammit makes the cover... 1... 2... 3! That '80s Team are gone, and The Cheerleader Squad Blue Team moves on!"
Barch: "And we're nearly at the end of this thing, O'Neill! Only 2 teams left!"
("Born This Way" by Lady Gaga begins to play as a red
carpet is rolled out on the entrance ramp and a group of people emerge on stage
holding cameras. This is met with a large round of boos from the crowd. Their
flashbulbs start to go off as
Barch: "Here come my picks, Tim, A-List Incorporated! These two are the epitome of today's celebrity-obsessed MTV pop culture, I mean, just look at the paparazzi following their every step! That's how hot they are right now!"
O'Neill: "I find it hard to believe that Winona Polizzi and Ruby Montag attract that much of an entourage, but I do agree that out of any team in the LFC, male or female, they are on the biggest wave of momentum. They are yet to lose since their debut six weeks ago!"
O'Neill: "Now what kind of sportsmanship is that? That '80s Team were eliminated fair and square! And now they've ambushed The Cheerleader Squad Blue Team and are just laying the boots into them!"
Barch: "You can't blame them for being frustrated, because they have an insatiable appetite for destruction. This was their big chance on the big stage and they had it taken away from them by Angie and Lisa."
O'Neill: "I could understand their frustration, but this is not the right way to go about it!"
Barch: "By the way, how many am I up to?"
(Jackie holds Angie from behind, as Angel hits a super kick.
Jackie then hits a German suplex on her, before they both get out of the ring
to heavy boos from the crowd. Meanwhile,
O'Neill: "Oh for the love of... there's the Head Banger from Ferrana and Wentworth, and Montag is picking up the scraps! Please, not like this!"
Barch: "1... 2... 3! Ruby gets the elimination!"
O'Neill: "A valiant effort by Zammit and Fisher, but that's the end of their night thanks mostly to those sore losers That '80s Team."
Barch: "You're missing the bigger picture, skinny! A-List Incorporated are one team away from the gold!"
O'Neill: "Yes they are, and that team is coming out right now."
(Suddenly the arena lights go out, leaving the stadium in near pitch-black darkness. The crowd erupts with loud cheering as "Haunted" by Evanescence, Andrea's theme, starts to play, and a large ring of fire emerges on the ramp. Rising up to the surface through the middle of the fire are Andrea and Scarlett. They are both wearing elaborate black and red trenchcoats)
Barch: "To steal an old wrestling phrase, business is about to pick up here!"
O'Neill: "Through hellfire and brimstone come The Dames of Darkness! Andrea Hecuba-Thorne and Scarlett LeFaye could soon realise the dream of a lifetime by winning LFC championship gold!"
(A single spotlight follows Andrea and Scarlett to the
ring. The lights come back on completely as they disrobe down to their
wrestling attire (black, red and silver singlets and shorts adorned with ankhs
and crucifixes) and get in the ring. Their theme fades out as they start
O'Neill: "Both teams are swinging for the fences here right now! They only have each other between them and the titles!"
Barch: "Lefts and rights and punches and kicks... there is no finesse or technique out there, it's a dirty slugfest and I love it!"
(Finally, things settle down as Andrea and Winona go to their corners, leaving Scarlett and Ruby fighting one-on-one. The crowd start to chant "D.O.D.")
O'Neill: "Both teams are fresh, so the slate has essentially been wiped clean. The accumulated fatigue factor doesn't come into play as much now as it does if the match goes long."
Barch: "Thank you, Doctor Science, now can we get back to the match?"
O'Neill: "LeFaye is monstering the part-time fashion model Montag with clubbing shots to the body! One after the other!"
Barch: "At least it's not the face, otherwise there wouldn't be much more modelling for her."
O'Neill: "And there's a dropkick right to the knee by Montag. That could tear ligaments or, even worse, dislocate a kneecap."
(Scarlett drops to her knees, allowing Ruby to run off the ropes and hit a low clothesline)
Barch: "Bang! Scarlett hit with a big lariat by Ruby... and here's the cover!"
O'Neill: "1... 2... 2 count for Montag according to referee Jesse Moreno."
Barch: "And Ruby's not going to let
O'Neill: "And she makes the tag to Polizzi. A-List Incorporated are really working over the knee of LeFaye here."
(Winona drops an elbow on Scarlett's knee, before locking in a single leg crab submission hold)
Barch: "That must be pure agony for Scarlett right now, having those tendons and ligaments stretched and contorted like that."
O'Neill: "Polizzi has this single leg crab locked in tight, but LeFaye is inching slowly towards the ropes!"
Barch: "She could probably use some of her Wiccan spells right about now, that's for sure."
O'Neill: "LeFaye is nearly there... and she grabs the ropes! Polizzi must break the submission hold before the referee counts to 5 otherwise her team will be disqualified."
(Winona refuses to let go of the hold, only letting go when Jesse reaches 4 on his count. She picks up Scarlett)
O'Neill: "LeFaye can barely stand on that leg. You can tell just by looking at her face that she is in agony."
Barch: "Like I said about Donna Bolton, there is no shame in walking away while you can still walk."
O'Neill: "Come on now! You really expect her to give up just like that? That's not her way, Janet."
Barch: "Whatever. Just call the match."
O'Neill: "Polizzi is trying to whip LeFaye into the ropes, but she's countered! Polizzi off the ropes... LeFaye ducks... Polizzi comes back... right into a jumping back elbow by LeFaye! That could be the window of opportunity she needs!"
(Scarlett starts crawling towards her corner, but Winona
grabs her leg. Scarlett slowly gets to a standing position, before suddenly
swinging her other leg around, kicking
O'Neill: "OUT OF NOWHERE!!! LeFaye with an enziguri kick, and Polizzi is down!"
Barch: "But so is Scarlett! They both need to tag!"
(They both crawl towards their home corners and tag in their partners)
O'Neill: "And here comes Hecuba-Thorne and Montag! Listen to this crowd go off!"
Barch: "Andrea is a cult hero of the LFC, with a huge following. But she has never won LFC gold. That could all change very soon if she keeps up with these shoulder blocks!"
O'Neill: "Indeed, that's three she has hit Montag with now! And now a whip to the turnbuckle."
Barch: "Andrea's lining her up, O'Neill!"
O'Neill: "And Hecuba-Thorne comes charging in and hits a big body splash! Montag is in trouble here!"
(Ruby slumps to the ground as Andrea starts climbing to
the top rope. However,
O'Neill: "Unfairly, mind you. And now Montag is on the second rope, trying to get Hecuba-Thorne down. Wait... is she going for a superplex?"
Barch: "That would be one hell of a feat, considering that Andrea is probably the largest competitor in the women's division except for Dawn Harris."
O'Neill: "Oh my stars... she's got her up... AND OVER!!! AMAZING SUPERPLEX BY MONTAG!!!"
Barch: "That's it! It is over! A-List Incorporated have won the Women's Tag Team Championships!"
(Ruby slowly turns Andrea over and makes the cover. At the last possible second, Andrea kicks out)
Barch: "What? She kicked out!"
O'Neill: "I'm finding it hard to believe myself! This capacity crowd at Vexxer Stadium can't believe it, either!"
Barch: "True, but I think she's just prolonging the
inevitable. Ruby whips Andrea to the corner... and
O'Neill: "We've seen this before. The Final Curtain has put away every team they've faced so far in the LFC. Will The Dames of Darkness be next?"
(Ruby lines up Andrea for a bicycle kick, but Andrea
ducks, which leads to Ruby kicking
O'Neill: "Oh no! She's missed Hecuba-Thorne and hit Polizzi!"
Barch: "And she's knocked over my diet soda! Damn them!"
O'Neill: "Polizzi is out cold! Look at Montag, she is beside herself with distress!"
Barch: "She can't see Andrea coming up from behind! Turn around, Ruby!"
(Andrea gets Ruby up onto her shoulders and tags in Scarlett, who gingerly climbs to the top rope)
Barch: "This crowd is going bananas, Tim! Listen to the roar!"
O'Neill: "They know what is coming next!"
(Scarlett jumps off the top rope and hits Ruby with a crossbody, while Andrea falls back adding power to the move)
Barch: "Eternal Dame-nation! No one, and I mean no one, kicks out of that!"
O'Neill: "LeFaye is the legal partner! She makes the cover... 1... 2... 3!!! The Dames of Darkness are the new tag champs!"
(The crowd gives one of the loudest cheers of the night as Scarlett jumps into Andrea's arms, arms raised in victory. The bell rings to end the match, and "Hybrid Moments" by The Misfits, Scarlett's theme, starts to play. Jesse presents Andrea and Scarlett with the championship belts as DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNERS of this match and... NEW LFC Women's TAG TEAM Champions... ANDREA HECUBA-THORNE and SCARLETT LEFAYE... THE DAMES OF DARKNESS!!!"
Winners - Andrea Hecuba-Thorne and Scarlett LeFaye
O'Neill: "ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR TEAMS IN LFC HISTORY FINALLY, AT LONG LAST, MAKE THE BREAK-THROUGH!!! The Dames of Darkness have finally won the gold they have worked so hard to get all these years!"
Barch: "It's great to see their work finally start to reap rewards, but I must say that A-List Incorporated and That '80s Team proved themselves as forces to be reckoned within the LFC women's tag team division for years to come. Any match between one of those teams and the champs should be a main event in any arena in the world!"
O'Neill: "Don't forget about The Cheerleader Squad teams. And we have yet to bring up The Freakin' Friends or The Fashion Club. Either way, I'm sure The Dames of Darkness would gladly defend their belts against any challengers that come their way."
(Andrea and Scarlett exit the ring and start making their way back up the ramp. As they make it back to the top of the ramp, the lights go out again, except for a lone spotlight on Andrea and Scarlett. The ring of fire lights up again, and they raise their belts one more time as they descend back through the way they came in)
Barch: "These girls sure know how to make an exit, but can they turn the lights back on please?"
(The lights come back on)
Barch: "There we go."
DeMartino: "We go to the back now, where Claire Defoe has one of our main event combatants standing by!"
(Cut to Defoe standing in her backstage interview area)
Defoe: "Please welcome my guest at this time, Jodie Landon!"
(The crowd gives a mixed reaction as Jodie enters the picture, a picture of determination and focus. She is wearing a one-piece black, pink and silver attire)
Defoe: "Jodie, you have an opportunity at the LFC Women's World Championship when you take on the champion Quinn Morgendorffer and Brittany Taylor in a Triple Threat match. What are your thoughts going into tonight?"
(Jodie doesn't respond, instead she continues to glare off into space)
Defoe: "OK... In recent months we have seen a, shall we say, darker side of Jodie Landon. Why the sudden change in attitude and demeanour?"
(Still nothing from Jodie)
Defoe: "Is there anything at all you would like to say at this time?"
(Jodie glares at Defoe, before walking off-camera, having not said a single word)
Defoe: "Well, then. I guess it's back to you, Timothy."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "Still no answers to our many questions regarding Jodie Landon, Janet."
Barch: "I don't think she has to say anything. It's quite clear to me that she has no time for distractions on her quest to win the LFC Women's World Championship, and she's going to let her actions inside the squared circle do the talking tonight."
O'Neill: "In the meantime, let's take you back a few weeks to an episode of Friday Night Fights. It was The Bro and QB Connection, Kevin Thompson and Michael Mackenzie, defending the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship against Jeffy Grey and Jamie White of The Three Js."
(Cut to footage of Kevin and Mack fighting Jeffy and Jamie. Mack hits Jeffy with his spinning spinebuster finisher and makes the cover, but the referee (Nick) is distracted by Jamie. Joey comes into the ring and hits Mack with one of the championship belts. Joey lays Jeffy on top of Mack, just as Jamie drops down off the apron. Nick counts the pin, and despite a last-gasp lunge by Kevin, he makes it to 3. The Three Js win the Men's Tag Team Championship)
Barch: "As you can see, thanks to unbelievably blatant cheating by The Three Js, they stole the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship from The Bro and QB Connection. I almost felt sorry for them."
O'Neill: "Thompson and Mackenzie were denied a straight rematch, and only earned it by defeating Anarchy In The MD two weeks ago. However, their rematch will be a 3-on-2 Handicap Match."
Barch: "And that's because, somehow, all Three Js are recognised as champs. Despite the fact that Joey wasn't involved in the original match at all. This company amazes me sometimes."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "Looks like we're ready to go. Here's Anthony!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the following CONTEST is a 3-ON-2 HANDICAP MATCH, scheduled for ONE fall, and it is FOR the LFC Men's TAG TEAM Championship!"
(The crowd cheers. Then, "Stronger" by Kanye West, Mack's theme, begins to play, causing the crowd to cheer slightly louder)
DeMartino: "Introducing FIRST, the CHALLENGERS...
fighting out of
(Kevin and Mack make their way onto the entrance stage
and start psyching each other up as fire pyro goes off behind them. They are
wearing similar short trunks, with both of them having a blue and yellow
stripe, as well as bearing their initials. The only difference between them is
that Kevin's trunks are white, while Mack's trunks are black. Kevin is also
wearing a knee brace and extra padding on his right knee. Both are wearing
Barch: "Look at those two. Pandering to the crowd by wearing the jersey of the local team. It's such a cheap ploy, skinny!"
O'Neill: "Frankly, the crowd will be behind Thompson and Mackenzie regardless of whether they're wearing Ravens jerseys or not. They're beloved for being genuine, honest and hard-working men. Not to mention that Kevin is a bit of a lovable oaf."
Barch: "A bit? He's all oaf if you ask me!"
O'Neill: "Diane Bennett, we believe you have time for a quick word with The Bro and QB Connection?"
(Cut to Bennett, who is walking alongside Kevin and Mack down the entrance ramp)
Bennett: "Thanks Timothy. Michael Mackenzie, do you have anything to say before your title match?"
Mack: "Yeah. Three Js, thanks for holding our belts for us while me and my man Kevin figured out a plan to whup all of your asses at the same time. Tonight, we put that plan in action."
Bennett: "Kevin Thompson, any comments?"
Kevin: "I'm fierce, I'm psyched and I'm ready to help Mack Daddy win back our Tag Team Championship belts. Because I'm the QB and that's what I do!"
Mack: (off camera) "Please stop calling me that."
Bennett: "Thanks, guys."
Barch: "I'd say Kevin has rocks in his head, but frankly that's an insult to rocks."
O'Neill: "Never underestimate Thompson in a big match situation, Janet. He got the most eliminations out of anyone in the Lawndale Rumble with six, and was only eliminated by foul play, ironically by his opponents tonight The Three Js."
(Kevin and Mack get into the ring, jump up on the turnbuckle and pose for the fans, to a huge cheer. They take off their jerseys and throw them into the crowd, before they jump down. Their theme fades out and "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids On The Block starts to play. The crowd loudly boos)
DeMartino: "Introducing their OPPONENTS, the CHAMPIONS... fighting out of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, they are the REIGNING and DEFENDING LFC Men's Tag Team Champions, here are JOEY BLACK, JEFFY GREY and JAMIE WHITE... THE THREE JS!!!"
(The Three Js stride onto the entrance stage, holding up two large silver-coloured belts and trash-talking to the crowd. All three are wearing half-and-half tights, with one leg being gold and the other leg being their signature shirt design)
O'Neill: "The Three Js have weaselled their way out of title match after title match, but tonight, they have to... well... hang tough, because there is no escape."
Barch: "Good. They've had the belts long enough, in my opinion."
O'Neill: "So you're choosing Thompson and Mackenzie to win?"
Barch: "Hell no! The referee can win the belts for all I care!"
(The Three Js get into the ring and arrogantly hold up their belts to the crowd again as their theme fades out)
DeMartino: "And when the action BEGINS, the referee in CHARGE for this contest is Max Tyler."
(The Three Js reluctantly hand Max their championship belts. He raises them up to the crowd before he hands them to DeMartino, who gets out of the ring with them)
O'Neill: "Despite their one man advantage, there will still only be one person from each team allowed in the ring at one time."
Barch: "And it looks like Mack and Joey will start us off here. Good idea on Mack's part, since the match would be over now if Kevin started."
(The bell rings, signifying the start of the match. Mack and Joey lock up, but Mack pushes Joey away, sending him rolling to his corner)
O'Neill: "Black just found out that it's near impossible to get into a clinch game with Mackenzie."
Barch: "Yeah. I may not particularly care for him, but I do respect his in-ring ability. Mack does have talent."
O'Neill: "Black goes in again, and this time Mackenzie just slams him hard to the canvas!"
(Mack goes down the ground and starts laying into Joey with hard punches, before attempting a pin)
O'Neill: "Mackenzie goes for the early cover... and only a 1 count according to referee Max Tyler."
Barch: "Mack just needs to keep going with this hard-hitting offense, and the titles will be as good as his... and Kevin's."
O'Neill: "Black whipped to the turnbuckle by the
(Mack hits Joey in the corner with some shoulder tackles, before tagging in Kevin. As Joey steps out of the corner, dazed, Kevin climbs up to the top rope)
Barch: "And... this is where the match goes to hell."
O'Neill: "Thompson is in and going upstairs!"
Barch: "Here comes one of the few things that Kevin is useful for!"
(Mack grabs Kevin and throws him at Joey, who get hit with a flying forearm)
O'Neill: "Excellent teamwork, showcasing why Mackenzie and Thompson have been one of the LFC's premier male tag teams for so long."
Barch: "Mack should have abandoned Kevin when The Three Js split away from The Pride."
O'Neill: "Thompson knew better than to abandon Mackenzie when the chips were down. And don't forget, the only reason Robert Korleski is no longer in the group is because of that stipulation match he had against Jamie White about six months back. He was loyal to The Pride as well."
Barch: "Between you and me, I'm over the history lesson. Call the match!"
O'Neill: "Thompson has just drilled Black with a big boot and he's going for the cover... 1... 2... 2."
(Kevin gets up, drags Joey over to his home corner and tags Mack back in. They hit Joey with simultaneous elbow drops)
O'Neill: "Mackenzie back in now and The Bro and QB Connection are making efficient use of the quick tag."
Barch: "That's a good thing to do. Have Kevin do some quick smash mouth offense, then tag out before he does just as much damage to himself."
O'Neill: "Black needs to make a tag if The Three Js are to have any chance of retaining their championships."
Barch: "He's not going to be able to tag from up on Mack's shoulders."
O'Neill: "Mackenzie is in complete control right now as he hits Black with a thunderous powerslam!"
(Mack goes for another cover, but it only gets 2. He picks up Joey)
O'Neill: "Black whipped into the ropes and... he holds on to them."
Barch: "There's a blind tag to Jeffy Grey! Here he comes..."
O'Neill: "And down he goes! Huge clothesline by Mackenzie! And now White wants some!"
Barch: "Bang! Down goes Jamie!"
O'Neill: "He rolls out of the ring and now all Three Js are on the outside right now!"
(The Three Js huddle together, presumably to plan their next move. What they don't see is Mack tagging Kevin back in, then getting on all fours as Kevin runs off the ropes)
Barch: "Oh boy. This looks like a bright idea."
O'Neill: "Thompson off the ropes...jumping off Mackenzie's back over the ropes and there's a plancha to The Three Js! Amazing manoeuvre by Thompson!"
Barch: "I think that might have come at the expense of his last dozen brain cells, though."
(Kevin gets up and celebrates his attack, slapping hands with a couple of people in the crowd. He looks down at The Three Js, trying to figure out which one to throw back in the ring)
Barch: "Are you kidding me? Does he seriously not know who the legal man is right now?"
O'Neill: "Jeffy Grey is the legal man for The Three Js. Let's just hope Thompson figures that out before he gets counted out."
(Kevin picks up Jamie, throws him into the ring and makes the cover, but Max refuses to count because he's not the legal man)
Barch: "What a dope. He's thrown Jamie in there instead of Jeffy."
O'Neill: "And here comes Grey from behind with an axehandle! Thompson could end up paying a heavy price for his lack of awareness here."
Barch: "Honestly, he deserves to lose for making a mistake like that. Now Jeffy will use his speed and agility advantage to make Kevin suffer."
(Jeffy then starts stomping repeatedly on Kevin's right knee, causing him to yell in agony)
O'Neill: "Grey is now targeting that surgically-repaired right knee of Thompson with some lightning-fast stomps."
Barch: "There's a reason he wears that brace and all that extra padding on it. That knee hasn't been 100% for years, not since a motorcycle accident he had as a high school junior many years ago. Probably wasn't wearing a helmet either..."
O'Neill: "Not to mention the fact that he later re-injured it in college, forcing his early retirement from football."
Barch: "If you're not going to call the match, O'Neill, then I will! Jeffy is just hammering away on Kevin's knee with punches and kicks, and he looks like he's going for a tag."
(Jeffy gets up and tags Joey back in. He picks up Kevin and slams him on the ropes, causing more damage to his knee)
O'Neill: "Black using all of the ring here in trying to dismantle Thompson."
Barch: "Hmm... that actually is quite clever. Didn't think he had it in him to do something like that."
O'Neill: "He's going for a second scoop slam on the ropes!"
Barch: "Wait, Thompson slips out the back! This could be the window of opportunity he needs to tag out!"
(Kevin throws a couple of punches, sending Joey reeling back to the ropes. As he bounces back, Kevin picks up Joey and tries to lift him above his head)
Barch: "He's doing that on one leg, O'Neill! He's a damn freak of nature!"
O'Neill: "Thompson is digging down deep within himself here in going for the big military press slam on Black!"
(Suddenly, Kevin drops down his knees, allowing Joey to land on his feet relatively unharmed)
Barch: "Look, his knee couldn't handle it and it gave out."
O'Neill: "I have to give credit to The Three Js for their strategy here, Janet. Isolating Thompson and targeting his knee is probably the best thing they could have done. And poor Mackenzie has no choice but to stand there and watch it all happen, lest Thompson can somehow recover and make the tag."
Barch: "And it's all been relatively clean too."
(Joey tags Jeffy back in, who hits an elbow drop to the head before going for a submission)
O'Neill: "Grey is now the legal man again, and there's a sleeper hold on Thompson."
Barch: "What little oxygen that goes to his brain is now being cut off with that submission. He'll probably pass out soon."
(Kevin appears to fade out, so Max comes to check by lifting his arm)
Barch: "For the uninitiated, if Kevin's arm falls three times, that will be deemed a submission victory for The Three Js. It's already fallen once!"
O'Neill: "Referee Max Tyler checks Thompson again. Still no signs of life."
Barch: "Once more and it's all over. And... look! It's staying up!"
O'Neill: "Thompson will not give up! He's trying to fight out of Grey's sleeper!"
Barch: "I'll admit that I'm actually a little impressed by his fighting spirit. He's still an idiot though."
(Kevin breaks free of the submission, and starts hitting Jeffy with rights and lefts)
O'Neill: "Thompson throwing the big punches as only he can here."
Barch: "Yeah. Everyone else's punches actually hit once in a while."
O'Neill: "Are you watching the same match that I am?"
Barch: "This match is still going? I was hoping to catch a nap before Upchuck's public execution... er... I mean title match."
O'Neill: (sighs) "Anyway, Thompson with a big boot to Grey, but the damage to his knee means he can't immediately go for the tag."
Barch: "He's going to do it, though!"
(Kevin makes the tag to Mack, but Joey and Jamie distract Max by trying to get in the ring. He doesn't see the tag get made)
O'Neill: "And Thompson makes the tag... wait, referee Max Tyler isn't letting him in!"
Barch: "He didn't see the tag get made! He was clearly being distracted by Joey and Jamie."
O'Neill: "Come on now! He had to have heard it."
Barch: "As much as it pains me to say this, you can't call what you can't see. It's not the referee's fault this time."
O'Neill: "Well then, so much for that clean match they were wrestling."
(Jeffy attacks Kevin from behind, hitting him with a German suplex. He then swaggers over to his corner and makes an overly theatrical tag to Jamie)
Barch: "No missing that tag. I bet you could have seen that from space."
(Jamie hits Kevin with a chop block to the knee, before grabbing the leg and going for a submission)
O'Neill: "White now making his first legal appearance in the match. And he's going right in for the kill with that kneebar!"
Barch: "Jermaine... I mean... Jamie is the submission specialist of the trio, and it could be at his hands that The Three Js retain the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship."
O'Neill: "Look at the pain, etched on the face of Kevin Thompson. He may not last much longer, Janet."
Barch: "Kevin, whether he knows it or not, can take an unbelievable amount of punishment. He's like a crash test dummy. He'll keep fighting and fighting until he literally cannot fight anymore."
(Kevin crawls slowly towards the ropes, eventually grabbing the bottom rope)
O'Neill: "Thompson makes it! The match continues for now."
Barch: "But Jamie is going to make sure that he gets every last bit of use out of that kneebar."
O'Neill: "He finally lets go at the count of 4, but the damage may already be too much."
(Jamie drags Kevin back to the middle of the ring and goes for a pin)
Barch: "This could be it, skinny!"
O'Neill: "White with the cover... 1... 2... Thompson kicks out!"
Barch: "Seriously? He really is too stupid to quit!"
O'Neill: "White can't believe it! Look at him just pounding the mat in frustration!"
(Jamie gets up and climbs to the top rope. He stays crouched down, waiting for Kevin to get to his feet)
O'Neill: "White normally doesn't go to the top rope, but this could be the lengths he'll have to go to defeat Thompson once and for all."
Barch: "Kevin is really struggling to get to his feet here. I don't this will last much longer."
O'Neill: "Here comes White off the top... AND THOMPSON HITS A HUGE SPEAR OUT OF ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE!!!"
Barch: "He hit him in mid-air! Mid freakin air! That's one of the damndest things I've ever seen!"
O'Neill: "This crowd has come alive after that! Listen to them!"
(The crowd begins to chant "QB" as Kevin slowly struggles to his corner. Finally, he tags in Mack in plain sight of Max)
O'Neill: "Thompson gets the tag this time! And here comes Mackenzie!"
Barch: "And Jamie didn't make a tag himself! Now the idiot has to face the wrath of Mack."
O'Neill: "Mackenzie is just unloading with the clubbing blows to White, one after the other!"
(Mack whips Jamie to his home corner, climbs on the second rope and starts punching him. The crowd counts along with each one. After the tenth punch, Mack jumps off and hits Jamie with an elbow to the head, which sends him falling to the floor)
Barch: "That has to be it. I think the titles will be changing hands very soon."
O'Neill: "Mackenzie goes for the cover... 1... 2... and... Grey and Black break up the pin."
Barch: "Look at them, so happy with themselves... and here comes that brickhead Kevin!"
(Kevin rushes into the ring and hits a running crossbody on Joey and Jeffy, sending all three out of the ring to the floor)
O'Neill: "Thompson, Grey and Black are all down at ringside, leaving Mackenzie and White as the legal men!"
Barch: "Good. Usually when it gets like this, that means the match is nearly over."
O'Neill: "White off the ropes and... Mack Attack! Mackenzie hits that spinning spinebuster and you could be right soon, Janet, because the match could be over now!"
Barch: "It's takes a miracle to kick out of the Mack Attack, Tim!"
O'Neill: "There's the cover... 1... 2... what?
Barch: "Jamie's foot is on the bottom rope! That's a rope break!"
O'Neill: "That was either great awareness on the part of White, or just sheer dumb luck. Regardless, the match continues."
(Suddenly, Joey and Jeffy get up on the apron. Mack walks over to them to get rid of them, but they jump down)
Barch: "Look at those cowards, O'Neill! They egg him on yet they won't get in there and fight."
O'Neill: "Hold on... White from behind with the roll-up! 1..."
Barch: "He's got the tights!"
O'Neill: "...2... and the kickout! Mackenzie will not be denied!"
(Jamie picks up Mack and tries for a move, but Mack escapes and throws him over to the apron)
Barch: "Ow! Hard boot to the mid-section by Mack!"
O'Neill: "Grey is reeling here, and Mackenzie looks like he is going to suplex him back in."
Barch: "Up he goes... all the blood is just rushing to the head of Jamie as Mack just holds him up there with that freakish strength of his!"
O'Neill: "As soon as he falls, it will surely be it for The Three Js... wait... what are Grey and White doing?"
(Joey and Jeffy grabs Mack's ankles, tripping him up and allowing Jamie to fall on top of him. Kevin tries to get up, but gets kicked in the head by Jeffy)
O'Neill: "White has Mackenzie covered here. Referee Max Tyler comes in for the count... 1..."
Barch: "They're holding down his ankles! Mack can't kick out!"
O'Neill: "...2... 3! The Three Js retain the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship, under extremely dubious circumstances!"
(The crowd gives some of the loudest boos of the night as The Three Js start to celebrate their ill-earned victory. The bell rings to end the match, and "Hangin' Tough" starts to play. Max gives The Three Js the championship belts as DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNERS of this match and... STILL LFC Men's TAG TEAM Champions... JOEY BLACK, JEFFY GREY and JAMIE WHITE... THE THREE JS!!!"
Winners - Joey Black, Jeffy Grey and Jamie White
Barch: "Dubious doesn't even begin to cover it, skinny! Joey and Jeffy were holding down Mack's legs! This was a miscarriage of justice, dammit!"
O'Neill: "But referee Max Tyler didn't see it! You said it yourself earlier, the referee can't call what he can't see, and as much of a miscarriage of justice that it is, he did the only thing he could at that was his job."
Barch: "Whatever. I didn't really care about this match anyway."
(Suddenly, The Three Js drop their belts and start stomping down Mack. Jamie stops briefly to shove down Max)
Barch: "The Three Js are out of control! They're still beating down Mack and that jerk Jamie has knocked down referee Tyler!"
O'Neill: "These are very dirty actions by The Three Js, but is it really that much of a surprise?"
(The crowd boos become extremely loud as Joey orders Jeffy and Jamie to pick up a semi-conscious Mack. They set up for their finishing move, with Joey and Jeffy grabbing Mack's neck and Jamie grabbing his legs)
O'Neill: "And hitting the Dooms-J Device here will just be adding insult to injury."
Barch: "I tell you what, there had better be sanctions for this unnecessary post-match attack."
O'Neill: "Wait a minute, here comes Thompson!"
(Kevin hits Joey and Jeffy with a huge clothesline, before running through to hit Jamie with a dropkick that sends him out of the ring)
Barch: "Kevin may be the biggest moron in this company, but he's also the most reliable moron."
O'Neill: "Mackenzie is back on his feet and now The Bro and QB Connection are fighting back!"
Barch: "Joey and Jeffy are getting some payback here as they're whipped to the ropes..."
O'Neill: "And Mackenzie hits the biggest Mack Attack I think I've ever seen! Thompson has hit a spinebuster of his own on Grey!"
Barch: "Joey and Jeffy are down for the count! Wait... what are Kevin and Mack going to do now?"
(The crowd starts to reach fever pitch as Kevin and Mack stand over Joey and Jeffy. Mack suddenly bends over, with Kevin standing behind him, as if they were setting up a football play)
O'Neill: "They're going for the 4th and Goal, Janet! I'd never thought I'd ever see this in an LFC ring!"
Barch: "This was the signature move of the late Tommy Sherman, a man that Kevin idolised. I'll be damned if I'm not getting chills right now!"
(Mack "snaps the ball" to Kevin, who runs off the ropes,
stops to "throw the ball", and dives over Mack, hitting Joey and Jeffy with a
senton bomb. The crowd starts chanting "
O'Neill: "Thompson hits a double 4th and Goal on Black and Grey! What a moment for that young man!"
Barch: "And listen to the
O'Neill: "Wherever the late Tommy Sherman is, I'd bet he'd have a huge grin on his face right now as these two young fighters honour his memory."
Barch: "I'll admit that was pretty cool. I still hate Kevin though."
(Kevin and Mack pick up the championship belts, lay them on the chests of Joey and Jeffy and leave the ring. As they start walking up the entrance ramp, Jamie gets back in to check on his fallen teammates as "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor, Kevin's theme, starts to play)
Barch: "Kevin may believe he has the eye of the tiger, but he'll always be an American idiot to me, skinny."
O'Neill: "Thompson and Mackenzie may have won the war, but they're still leaving without the gold. The Three Js have stolen another victory over The Bro and QB Connection to retain the LFC Men's Tag Team Championship!"
Barch: "Now we go to the back, where Claire Defoe is standing by with another of our main event fighters!"
(Cut to Defoe standing in her backstage interview area)
Defoe: "Please welcome my guest at this time, Brittany Taylor!"
(The crowd gives a huge cheer as
Defoe: "How do you feel about the change that has come over your former best friend Jodie in the last few months?"
Defoe: "One last question. Do you have any particular strategy for tonight?"
Defoe: "Back to you, Timothy."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
Barch: "That Brittany Taylor is one strange chick, O'Neill."
Barch: "And if Quinn Morgendorffer can't do that, she may as already give her that LFC Women's World Championship."
O'Neill: "Speaking of World Championships, our first main event is up next and Janet, this is one that you're highly interested in."
Barch: "Oh, yes! I've been looking forward to this for weeks. Upchuck will finally pay his penance, and this mystery challenger will gladly deliver it to him."
O'Neill: "Let us take a look at the events that led to this match."
(Cut to footage of a battle royal match. Mack eliminates Joey to take what seemed to be the victory. However, Upchuck, who had been on the outside but not eliminated, sneaks up behind Mack and throws him out to win the match and the LFC Men's World Championship. Upchuck celebrates, as fans throw rubbish into the ring)
O'Neill: "It's been called the greatest robbery in the history of wrestling. Charles Ruttheimer III shockingly eliminating Michael Mackenzie to win the vacant LFC Men's World Championship on Friday Night Fights a few weeks ago."
Barch: "He should be glad that I wasn't there. I would have made sure that he wouldn't have ever been able to defend that belt."
O'Neill: "To his credit, Ruttheimer has already defended that championship three times, but he never had a clean victory. First he defeated Mackenzie after an illegal low blow, then he defeated Kevin Thompson after a chair shot."
Barch: "And the only reason Bob Rollins isn't the LFC Men's World Champion right now is because of interference by Anarchy In The MD."
O'Neill: "The week after that, Ruttheimer would do this on Friday Night Fights..."
(Cut to footage of Upchuck standing in the ring, holding the belt and a microphone)
Upchuck: "I am issuing an open challenge to any fighter in the world, to come to Is It 'Mania Yet? and fight me. And I am so confident that I will defeat any fighter that comes my way, I'll even put my beloved championship belt on the line. You know... grr... to sweeten the deal."
O'Neill: "Ruttheimer certainly has so shortage of self-confidence, does he?"
Barch: "I'll simply say this. Pride shall goeth before destruction, Upchuck."
O'Neill: "Anyway, let's not keep the world waiting. Here's Anthony!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the following CONTEST is scheduled for ONE fall, and it is for the LFC Men's WORLD Championship!"
(The crowd cheers. Then, "Love Rollercoaster" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers begins to play, causing them to start booing heavily instead)
DeMartino: "Introducing FIRST, the CHAMPION...
fighting out of every lady's fantasies by way of
(Upchuck slowly struts onto the entrance stage with a huge grin on his face, flanked by two gorgeous models. He is wearing a white fur coat, an orange pimp hat and a dozen gold necklaces, and is also carrying a golden cane. Most importantly he is wearing a large gold belt, the LFC Men's World Championship belt)
Barch: "I wonder how much he had to fork out to get those ladies to escort him."
O'Neill: "Charles Ruttheimer III is the champion that nobody in all of the LFC thought they would ever see, but as we saw in those earlier videos, he pulled it off and has held the gold ever since."
Barch: "Yeah, by hiding under the ring and cheating like the scared little rat he is! The fact that he is carrying the top World Championship in all of men's professional wrestling makes me sick to my stomach, and almost makes me feel sorry for the other more talented men in the division."
O'Neill: "But come hell or high water, he's managed to stay one step ahead of those men ever since. The only match he's lost since he won the title was a brutal Texas Bullrope match with Mackenzie that was, fortunately for him, non-title."
(The two models walk up onto the apron and sit on the ropes, allowing Upchuck to get into the ring with minimal effort, before they start walking back up the ramp. Upchuck jumps up on the turnbuckle and caresses himself and the championship belt in an almost disturbing manner. As he gets off the ropes, his theme fades out. He walks over to DeMartino and takes the microphone from him)
Barch: "Great. The jackass is going to talk. Let me just get my bucket ready."
Upchuck: "My name is Charles Ruttheimer the Third... but you already knew that."
(The crowd boos, before they start chanting "UPCHUCK" to try and piss him off. However, he takes no notice)
Upchuck: "You know something? Is It 'Mania Yet? is, without question, the single biggest night of the year. A night where mere mortals can achieve feats of, to quote a hero of mine, LEGEN... wait for it... DARY proportions. Between you and me, I've never been more... excited than I am right now. So ladies, you get ready for Senor Suavecito to get you wet! Hell, guys, get ready to get wet as well! Hell, even grannies that are past menopause will once again get wet one more time!"
Barch: "Can we cut his mic now?"
Upchuck: "The dead will rise just to catch a glimpse of the man who's carrying...grr... something that is huge. Something that is long. Something that is thick. And something that all the ladies want to touch."
(Upchuck opens his fur coat, takes off his championship belt and holds it up to the crowd, who boo in response)
Upchuck: "That's right! This LFC Men's World Championship belt!"
Barch: "I thought for a second that we'd have to start editing this match out of the replay broadcast."
Upchuck: "So, whoever this mystery challenger is, get down here right now so I can get this over with. As you can see, I will have a couple of luscious ladies waiting for me back at the hotel, which is more than I can say for the rest of you. Grr... FEISTY!!!"
(The crowd boos again as Upchuck hands the mic back to DeMartino. He takes off his fur coat to reveal orange tiger-striped tights, the back of which depict a fancy airbrushed mural of an excessively muscular Upchuck being caressed by two semi-naked women)
Barch: "This guy disgusts me so much. He's an embarrassment to this company, he's an embarrassment to this sport and he still owes me a new TV from when he stole the title!"
O'Neill: "He relies on dirty tactics way more than he needs to, in my opinion, because underneath that sleazy veneer he is actually a talented wrestler."
(The crowd is hushed in anticipation as they wait for the mystery challenger to appear)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT, the CHALLENGER..."
O'Neill: "Here we go, Janet! Time for the mystery man to make his identity known."
Barch: "Whoever he is, I just hope he treats Upchuck like Tommy Lee treats his drum set."
("I Made It (Cash Money Heroes)" by Kevin Rudolf begins to play, as golden waterfall pyro starts to rain down from underneath the main video screen)
DeMartino: "...fighting out of
(The crowd goes mental as Tom makes his way through the waterfall pyro and onto the entrance stage. He is wearing a navy blue and white wrestling singlet with the Fielding crest on the front. In the ring, Upchuck looks like he has just seen a ghost)
O'Neill: "OH MY GOODNESS!!! That's Tom Sloane, the Olympic gold medallist! What's he doing here in the LFC?"
Barch: "What does it look like? He's going to crush that damn Upchuck!"
O'Neill: "Ruttheimer is going to be up for one of the single biggest challenges of his career with the 3-time Bromwell University All-American Tom Sloane. If not, he can kiss the LFC Men's World Championship goodbye."
Barch: "I am nearly lost for words here. Only on a night like this can something so shocking, so massive happen!"
(Tom gets into the ring, hops onto the turnbuckle and poses to a huge reception. He walks over to the opposite corner and does it again. As he gets down, his theme fades out)
DeMartino: "And when the action BEGINS, the referee in CHARGE for this contest is Monique Dupri."
Barch: "Nice... we got a female referee for the Men's World Championship match."
(Monique ushers in both Upchuck and Tom into the middle of the ring. Upchuck reluctantly hands her his championship belt, and she raises it up to the crowd before DeMartino holds his microphone out for her to speak into)
Monique: "OK guys, this match is for the World Championship. You were both given your instructions back in your dressing rooms, so you don't need to be told them again. Protect yourselves at all times. Follow my instructions at all times. We WILL have a clean fight, understood? Touch hands, and best of luck to both of you."
(Tom offers out his hands, but Upchuck slaps them away. This causes the crowd to boo heavily. Monique hands the championship belt to DeMartino, who gets out of the ring with it)
O'Neill: "Sloane trying to make a good impression by showing Ruttheimer respect. Not that it was reciprocated, mind you, but at least he tried."
Barch: "Well that's all well and good, but I'd rather see Tom make a good impression in Upchuck's face."
(The bell rings, signifying the start of the match. Tom and Upchuck lock up, but Tom goes behind and takes Upchuck down to the ground with an amateur-style slam)
Barch: "There you go. Not even ten seconds in and Upchuck is down face-first on the canvas."
O'Neill: "Sloane asserting his authority quickly here, as he picks up Ruttheimer and goes for the wristlock."
Barch: "Normally, people would counter in and out of this, but look at the torque Tom is putting on that wrist! There will be extensive bruising there for sure!"
(Tom then drops down to his knees, wrenching Upchuck's arm over his shoulder)
O'Neill: "Sloane is looking right at home here as he takes down Ruttheimer with that armbreaker."
Barch: "I think that arm is a bit stronger than the other one thanks to Upchuck's... ahem... exercise regimen, so I think Tom should do that again."
O'Neill: "Sloane off the ropes and he hits Ruttheimer with a huge forearm! Now that's a strong arm, Janet!"
Barch: "And unlike Upchuck, Tom gets strength in those arms through old-fashioned weights and bicep curls."
O'Neill: "Sloane is really dominating Ruttheimer here!"
Barch: "Most definitely, and I think Upchuck is going to have to go through every dirty trick in his playbook if he is even to stand a ghost of a chance at retaining the belt."
(Upchuck gets on his knees and starts begging Tom to have mercy)
Barch: "How pathetic! He's pleading Tom to stop hurting him!"
O'Neill: "Wait... I'm sure we've seen this somewhere before."
Barch: "Now he's taking off an elbow pad? What the hell?"
(Upchuck throws one of his elbow pads to the mat, which Monique walks over to pick up. With the referee's back turned. Upchuck hits Tom hard in the groin)
O'Neill: "And there's one of those dirty tactics right there! An absolutely blatant low blow by Ruttheimer, right behind the referee's back!"
Barch: "Oh for God's sake... he's going to dodge another damn bullet!"
O'Neill: "Here's the cover... 1... 2... and Sloane kicks out!"
Barch: "Yes! Yes! Upchuck's cheap shots aren't enough to save his ass this time!"
O'Neill: "Sloane is still down though."
Barch: "Well then, I guess we know he's not wearing a cup."
(As Monique checks on Tom, Upchuck rolls out of the ring and tries to grab the championship belt from DeMartino. He tries to fight back, but Upchuck shoves him down and takes the belt)
O'Neill: "And now ring announcer Anthony DeMartino is down! This is bad even by Ruttheimer's low standards."
Barch: "Look, I hate DeMartino just as much as any man, but even he doesn't deserve to be harassed like that."
O'Neill: "I think Ruttheimer is trying to walk away from this one."
Barch: "Coward. I hope referee Dupri uses some feminine discretion and refuses to count."
(Upchuck starts to walk back up the entrance ramp, but is stopped in his tracks by the playing of "Hail To The Chief")
O'Neill: "That music could only mean one thing, Janet."
Barch: "Yes. LFC General Manager Angela Li is coming out to lay down the law!"
(Ms. Li walks out onto the entrance stage to a loud, but mixed, reception. She is wearing her signature grey business suit and holding a microphone)
Li: "Oh, hello Mr. Ruttheimer. Now, maybe it's just me, but if I myself were to issue an open challenge, I think that I would be honourable enough to see it through, regardless of who my opponent was."
Barch: "Depends on how much prize money is at stake first."
Li: "These people have paid their hard-earned money to see a showcase of the best professional wrestling in the world, and by the looks of things, you're going to deny them of that."
(Upchuck arrogantly nods and smiles in response. In the ring, Tom is only just getting up on his feet)
Li: "Which is why I've made this decision."
(Upchuck's smile quickly disappears, as the crowd gives a small cheer)
Li: "You see, the Lawndale Fighting Championship is a place where the people on the scene make the big decisions. Not some anonymous scaredy-cat sending their messages via e-mail for the commentator to read out from a laptop."
Barch: "That's right. None of that crap here in the LFC."
Li: "Long story short, if you get yourself disqualified or counted out, Mr. Ruttheimer, the LFC Men's World Championship will go to Tom Sloane! Have a good evening, Charles!"
(The crowd gives a huge cheer of approval as Li leaves the stage. Upchuck is so stunned at the new stipulations, he doesn't even notice Tom rolling out of the ring, chasing him down and hitting a clothesline from behind)
Barch: "Bahahahahaha! First LFC General Manager Angela Li comes through with an uncharacteristically excellent decision, and now Tom is going to give Upchuck some more punishment."
O'Neill: "Look at this... Sloane has thrown Ruttheimer on his shoulders and is literally carrying him back to the ring!"
(Tom walks close to the crowd, giving them the opportunity to give Tom a pat on the back and/or slap Upchuck upside the head. Tom eventually throws Upchuck back into the ring, then gets in himself)
Barch: "This is great. I've got to try and get some popcorn to eat while I watch this."
O'Neill: "Sloane has Ruttheimer back on his feet and whips him to the corner... Ruttheimer counters..."
Barch: "And nearly sends Tom crashing into referee Dupri!"
(Tom stops in his tracks trying to not hit Monique, only for Upchuck to hit him from behind with a splash, knocking both Tom and Monique down)
O'Neill: "Oh no! Referee Monique Dupri has been caught in the crossfire! She won't be getting up any time soon."
Barch: (muffled) "Damn Upchuck. Now no one will see him cheat."
O'Neill: "Where'd you get that popcorn?"
Barch: (muffled) "What? You expect the people in the front rows to have to walk all the way up to the concourse to get food?"
O'Neill: "Regardless, Ruttheimer is outside the ring, looking for some kind of foreign object."
(Upchuck pulls out a chair and throws it in the ring. Upchuck gets back in, picks it up, and waits for Tom to get up)
O'Neill: "Ruttheimer has that steel chair, and he looks like he's ready to swing for the fences."
Barch: "Tom has already kicked out of a low blow, but very few people kick out of a stiff chair shot. I hope he'll be the exception that proves the rule."
(Upchuck swings the chair, but Tom ducks. The chair rebounds off the top rope and hits Upchuck in the face, dazing him)
Barch: "You have got to be kidding... this is so good it just has to be fattening."
O'Neill: "What a cruel twist of fate for Ruttheimer! He's been hoisted by his own petard and now Sloane is in prime position to put him away."
(Tom grabs Upchuck around his waist, locks his arms and throws him over his head)
O'Neill: "What an overhead suplex by Sloane! Ruttheimer is out!"
Barch: "He threw him from one side of the ring to the other! But why isn't he going for the pin?"
O'Neill: "I think he's going to make sure that there is no way that Ruttheimer kicks out of any pin attempt he makes."
Barch: "Well my theory is that he knows that Upchuck is done and dusted. Now he's just going to entertain the world and, more importantly, me by making him suffer."
(Tom picks up Upchuck and hits a second overhead suplex. The crowd starts to chant "ONE MORE SUPLEX" as he still refuses to go for the pin)
O'Neill: "There's a second overhead suplex! This capacity crowd is going ballistic here! Listen to them, Janet! Janet?"
Barch: "ONE MORE SUPLEX!!!" (clap clap clapclapclap) "ONE MORE SUPLEX!!!" (clap clap clapclapclap)
O'Neill: "My broadcast colleague seems to agree with this crowd, and it looks like Sloane will happily oblige."
(Tom holds up three fingers to the crowd, which responds with a near-deafening roar of approval. He picks up Upchuck again and throws him over his head for a third overhead suplex. The crowd cheer is nearly deafening)
Barch: "Yes! Yes! Yes! There is no way Upchuck is getting up from that!"
O'Neill: "There's a third overhead suplex from Sloane and I would have to think Ruttheimer's chances of winning this match went out the window at least two suplexes ago."
Barch: "And now Tom is going... to the top rope?"
O'Neill: "Oh dear... his amateur experience doesn't include doing high-risk moves like this."
Barch: "But I bet he's seen plenty of wrestling movies. Well, at least the only one that was any good."
(Tom is visibly nervous as he climbs to the top rope. Eventually, he stands up, jumps off and hits a body splash)
O'Neill: "Sloane soars like an eagle and hits a picture-perfect splash on Ruttheimer! But that looked like it hurt him a bit."
Barch: "He'll be fine. All he has to do now is hook the leg for the easiest cover he'll ever make in his career!"
O'Neill: "Referee Monique Dupri makes the count... 1... 2... 3!!! We have a new LFC Men's World Champion!"
Barch: "And not a moment too soon!"
(The crowd erupts with cheers as Tom calmly stands up and raises his arms in victory. A half-full bag of popcorn flies into the ring from the direction of the commentary table, hitting Upchuck in the face. The bell rings to end the match, and "I Made It (Cash Money Heroes)" starts to play. Monique presents Tom with the championship belt as DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNER of this match and... NEW LFC Men's WORLD Champion... TOM... SLOANE!!!"
Winner - Tom Sloane
O'Neill: "First he was an All-American. Then he was an Olympic gold medallist. Tonight, he becomes a LFC Men's World Champion!"
Barch: "Believe me when I say that the entire world is
rejoicing right now! From
O'Neill: "But you only like him because he destroyed Ruttheimer, right? You'll start to hate him once he fights other people?"
Barch: "You know it!"
(Tom rolls out of the ring and walks back up the entrance ramp, slapping hands with the crowd)
O'Neill: "We have Diane Bennett standing by with the new LFC Men's World Champion!"
(Cut to Bennett, microphone in hand. Tom walks up to her)
Bennett: "Tom Sloane, let me be the first to say welcome to the Lawndale Fighting Championship!"
Tom: "Thank you, it's a pleasure to be out here."
Bennett: "I have to ask. You're an All-American collegiate wrestler, as well as an Olympic gold medallist. What made you want to come here to the LFC?"
Tom: "I'm always looking for new challenges, Diane. That's why when Charles Ruttheimer made the open call for any fighter in the world to fight him for the LFC Men's World Championship, I made sure that I was the first in line."
Bennett: "How is your body holding up after your first match?"
Tom: "Well, the ribs are a bit sore but that's my fault for trying out a move I hasn't done before. It's nothing I can't handle."
Bennett: "Did you ever think that you would be
walking out of
Tom: "Come on now. I would be lying to myself and everyone I know if I said that I didn't! Seriously, it feels great to have won this prestigious championship, and I plan on holding on to it for you good people for a very long time."
Bennett: "We wish you all the best. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the new LFC Men's World Champion, Tom Sloane!"
(The crowd cheers as Tom holds up the belt again)
Barch: "I think he will do just fine in the LFC. Even if he is a little smug."
O'Neill: "I knew it. Anyway, we have a new LFC Men's World Champion, and his name is Tom Sloane."
(Cut to just outside a dressing room, where a couple of security guards are standing watch. The door opens, and Daria, Jane and Stacy emerge to go the ring for their match)
Stacy: "I just have to go get my bike, guys. I'll see you out there."
Jane: "No prob."
(One of the security guards follows Stacy as she walks off, while the other one stays with Daria and Jane. As they walk past another dressing room, the door opens and Quinn comes out, stopping them in their tracks. Quinn is wearing a pink singlet and shorts, both of which bear a butterfly motif. There is a long silence)
Quinn: "You two going to your match?"
Quinn: "That's good."
(Daria and Jane start to walk off, but Quinn grabs Daria's arm, stopping them again)
Quinn: "Can I say something to you before you go?"
Quinn: "Um... please take care of yourself."
Daria: "Don't worry about us, sis."
Jane: "Yeah. I have a feeling that everything will turn out just fine."
(Quinn smiles as Daria and Jane walk off-camera. However, it quickly changes to a worried expression)
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "A look of concern on the face of Quinn Morgendorffer there."
Barch: "Indeed. I mean, Daria and Quinn have had a bit of a rocky relationship over the years, but there is always going to be that sisterly bond that will keep them together."
O'Neill: "Well, Quinn has every right to be worried. The next match is our second main event of Is It 'Mania Yet?, and this is the one that the entire wrestling world has been talking about."
Barch: "Everywhere I've been since this match was announced, people have come up to me and asked me who I think is going to win the Highland Street Fight. And I've told them that frankly, I have no idea. There are many reasons why either team will win this thing."
O'Neill: "I'm going to say this now. This match will not be a showcase of technical skill or classic wrestling fundamentals. It is going to be a straight up, dirty fight."
Barch: "Let's revisit the events that led to this match. At this point, I will warn our viewers that some people may find this following footage to be distressing."
(Cut to footage of Helen standing face-to-face with The Fashion Club. Suddenly, Sandi slaps Helen in the face and takes her down to the ground. Sandi starts throwing punches at Helen as Tiffany and Tori stomp on her repeatedly. Soon, they have Helen bleeding heavily from a cut on her forehead. Sandi gets a chair from under the ring as Tiffany and Tori hold up the near-unconscious Helen. Sandi then spits in Helen's face before literally wrapping the chair around Helen's head. She picks it up and is about to go again, but Quinn and Brittany run down to ringside to stop her. As The Fashion Club walk back up the entrance ramp, proud of their despicable act, Quinn and Brittany, along with Stacy, Mack and Kevin, stay with Helen as she is strapped to a stretcher by the EMTs and wheeled away to a waiting ambulance)
O'Neill: "This was without a shadow of a doubt, one of the lowest, most disgraceful acts I've ever seen in the LFC. They showed no respect whatsoever for LFC Hall of Famer Helen Barksdale, and Morgendorffer and Lane weren't able to do a thing to stop it, as they were nursing injuries from their tag title loss to The Fashion Club the previous week."
Barch: "I was watching this at home, and I found myself to be nearly physically ill watching this happen."
O'Neill: "Barksdale was hospitalised with a concussion and broken ribs, and needed 11 stitches to repair the wound on her forehead."
Barch: "I've been a fan of The Fashion Club ever since they formed, but there was no way I could justify what they did to her. You already said it, low and disgraceful."
O'Neill: "The next week on Friday Night Fights, we
interviewed Daria and Jane via satellite from
(Cut to footage of an interview with Daria and Jane)
Daria: "Franz Kafka once said that beyond a certain point there is no return, but this point has to be reached. Well, Sandi, we are way beyond the point of no return. You and the rest of The Fashion Club have lit a fire in us that will keep burning until we see your evil, corrupt empire fall to the ground."
Jane: "And believe us when we say this. It's going to happen. We double FREAKIN' dare you to try and stop us."
O'Neill: "I had never seen The Freakin' Friends so determined and focused as they were then."
Barch: "I know. Normally they're the kind of people who keep themselves out of the spotlight and make wisecracks on the things happening around them. This is how they react when you relentlessly poke the proverbial wasp's nest."
O'Neill: "And let's not forget Stacy Rowe. She was on the receiving end of an attack very similar to Helen Barksdale a couple of months ago that nearly cost her a spot in the Lawndale Rumble."
Barch: "She wasn't medically cleared, but entered the match in disguise and made a huge statement by eliminating Sandi. She wants to finish this war just as bad as anyone."
O'Neill: "Everything looks to be ready... hold on... is that who I think it is, Janet? Is that Helen Barksdale sitting in the front row?"
Barch: "Wow... it is! The pioneer of modern women's wrestling and LFC Hall of Famer is here tonight!"
(Cut to Helen, sitting in a front row seat close to the ring. She is wearing a large bandaid on her forehead to protect her stitches. She has a concerned expression on her face)
O'Neill: "Oh my... while it's good to see her up and about after that dreadful assault, I don't think it is wise for her to be here for this match."
Barch: "Well, it's too late to get a refund, so she doesn't really have a choice."
O'Neill: "Here's Anthony with the introductions!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the following CONTEST is a HIGHLAND STREET FIGHT, scheduled for ONE fall!"
(The crowd gives one of the loudest cheers of the night)
DeMartino: "Now in this match there are NO disqualifications, NO count-outs and falls count ANYWHERE! The only way to WIN this match, is by PINFALL or SUBMISSION!"
(The crowd cheers again. The cheer becomes even louder as "Road Racin'" by Riot begins to play)
DeMartino: "Introducing FIRST... fighting out of
(A loud revving noise is heard, before Stacy makes her way onto the entrance stage riding a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. She is still wearing the black leather jacket as her entrance attire)
Barch: "Oh yeah! Get ready to step off the brakes and put your foot on the gas, O'Neill, because Stacy looks ready to kick some ass!"
O'Neill: "What an ovation for Stacy Rowe! Ever since she was kicked out of The Fashion Club all those months ago, she has turned over a new leaf and become one of the most beloved fighters in all of the LFC."
Barch: "And Stacy is rolling down on a custom made chopper! That thing must be worth a fair amount of coin."
(Stacy stops her motorcycle near the ring and gets off. She takes a chequered bandanna out of a jacket pocket and ties it around her head before she gets the ring and raises her fists to the crowd, as pyro blasts explode from the ring posts. She takes off her leather jacket to reveal a sky blue one-piece outfit covered with chequered patterns. Soon, her theme fades out and "Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives begins to play, causing a near deafening cheer from the crowd)
DeMartino: "Introducing her PARTNERS... fighting out
(Daria and Jane make their way onto the entrance stage, as fire pyro goes off all around them. Both are still wearing the green and red satin robes as their entrance attire)
Barch: "Listen to this crowd go ballistic for these two!"
O'Neill: "Normally these original cynics fight only
for each other, in the name of all that is sick and sad. But tonight, Daria
Barch: "This is the moment that Daria and Jane have been waiting for, skinny! A chance to get their hands on The Fashion Club in a match with literally no rules."
(Daria and Jane get in the ring and take off their robes. They are wearing matching one-piece outfits, Daria's in green and orange, Jane's in red and black. Daria and Jane, along with Stacy, watch the entrance ramp as their theme fades out. "Vogue" by Madonna starts to play, which brings forth extremely loud booing from the crowd)
DeMartino: "Introducing their OPPONENTS... fighting
(No one from The Fashion Club is appearing on the entrance stage, or anywhere. The crowd reaction changes from booing to silent confusion)
O'Neill: "Strange. The Fashion Club are yet to appear for this match. I hope nothing has happened to them."
Barch: "Don't worry. They're just being fashionably late."
(After what seems like an eternity, a white limousine pulls up next to the entrance stage. The driver gets out and opens the door, out of which Sandi, Tiffany and Tori emerge. They get up on the entrance stage and strike a pose to enormous jeers from the crowd. All three are still wearing the bedazzled robes as their entrance attire)
Barch: "See, I told you they'd be all right! There they are, arriving in style as always!"
O'Neill: "The Fashion Club, possibly the most despised group in the history of the LFC, are getting the reception they deserve from this capacity crowd."
Barch: "Let them be jealous. The Fashion Club didn't
get multiple Tag Team Championships and a World Championship for
O'Neill: "Wait a minute... Morgendorffer, Lane and Rowe are charging up the entrance ramp! They're not even going to wait for The Fashion Club to get in the ring!"
Barch: "They're bringing the fight to them right now!"
(The Fashion Club's theme fades out and the bell rings as Daria, Jane and Stacy reach Sandi, Tiffany and Tori. All six starting throwing punches at each other as the crowd cheers them on)
O'Neill: "The bell has rung so this match is officially under way. Remember that falls count anywhere so this match could start and finish without ever actually getting in the ring."
Barch: "It's not much of a match right now. Just look at Daria, Jane and Stacy raining down on The Fashion Club with those heavy blows!"
(Sandi starts to stagger down the entrance ramp to ringside. Meanwhile, Tiffany and Tori get the upper hand on Daria and Stacy and they follow their leader down the ramp. As Daria, Jane and Stacy give chase, The Fashion Club take off their robes. All three are wearing matching one-sleeved shirts and tights, with Sandi's in magenta and pale blue, Tiffany's in light blue and light green and Tori's in sky blue and lavender)
Barch: "Let's see if The Fashion Club can put together some kind of strategy to survive this match."
O'Neill: "To be honest, though, the mental game is not their strong point. That's one reason why they resort to intimidation and sheer weight numbers to exert their will."
Barch: "Enough of the mumbo-jumbo, professor. Call the match!"
O'Neill: "Let's see... Lane and Blum-Deckler are
squaring off near our announce table... so are Morgendorffer and
Barch: "Wow... the history those two have had with each other. First as allies, and now as bitter enemies."
O'Neill: "I'll tell you something, it was an honour
to sit at ringside as Rowe and
Barch: "Watching it from home, I couldn't agree more."
(Suddenly, Stacy slaps Sandi right in the face. Instead of fighting back, Sandi clutches at her face and starts to throw a temper tantrum. Stacy watches on bemused)
Barch: "Oh no, not the face! That's how she makes her money!"
O'Neill: "There's no room for vanity in the LFC, Janet."
Barch: "What, Sandi can't be proud of her beauty? That is such a man thing to say, skinny."
(Sandi orders Tiffany and Tori to get her entrance robe, giving Daria and Jane a chance to get in the ring. They hold it up for Sandi as she checks herself in a mirror on the back. As she gets back in the ring to return to the match, Stacy slaps her in the face again)
O'Neill: "And there's another stiff slap by Rowe!"
Barch: "Sandi must be going apoplectic inside her mind at the thought of her face being hit like that over and over again!"
(Stacy lifts Sandi into a fireman's carry, before swinging Sandi out and falling into a cutter)
Barch: "And there it is! Death Rowe, right on her face!"
O'Neill: "Rowe isn't going for a cover, though... she's going to keep dishing out the punishment!"
Barch: "But here comes Tiffany and Tori to put a stop to that!"
(Tiffany and Tori and take down Stacy, but are quickly set upon by Daria and Jane. Soon, all six are throwing punches at each other again)
O'Neill: "No one has really been able to gain an extended advantage in this match so far, Janet."
Barch: "That's the way a lot of these multiple people matches go, O'Neill. Especially when you've got them all fighting each other at once."
O'Neill: "And out goes
Barch: "And so is Tiffany! And there goes Tori!"
O'Neill: "Look! Rowe is going to the top rope!"
(Stacy jumps off and hits Tiffany with a flying splash. Meanwhile, Daria and Sandi are fighting near the commentary table and Jane and Tori are fighting their way up the entrance ramp)
Barch: "I hope we've got enough cameras and referees to cover all this action, skinny!"
O'Neill: "We have Nick Campbell, Max Tyler and Jesse Moreno all assigned to officiate this Highland Street Fight, so that won't be a concern."
Barch: "I'll tell you what is a concern. And that's Sandi and Daria fighting so close to our announce table!"
Barch: "I smell lawsuits."
(Sandi climbs up onto the barricade and jumps off it, hitting an elbow drop on Daria)
Barch: "1... 2... and Daria kicks out."
O'Neill: "I'm not surprised. She's got way too much determination to give up this easy."
(Sandi picks up Daria and they start brawling their way through the crowd, followed by Jesse. Meanwhile, Jane and Tori are still fighting on the entrance ramp)
O'Neill: "This match is going to be hard to keep up
now it's all split up around the ringside. We've got
Barch: "Ooh! Tori whips Jane hard into the barricade! And again!"
Barch: "Yep, she's been opened up deep and blood is just pouring out of there."
(Tori picks up Jane and slams her back-first on the barricade)
Barch: "Sweet Jesus! If that's not a damaged vertebrae right there then I don't know what is."
Barch: "She must be in excruciating pain right now. That slam must have taken everything out of her."
Barch: "That headlight just shattered into a million pieces! Jane could be in huge trouble, Tim!"
O'Neill: "She could be, but just a bit away, we've got Rowe and Blum-Deckler fighting it out. Rowe has the upper hand right now... but there's a hard uppercut by Blum-Deckler that knocks her down!"
(Tiffany goes to the ring and looks underneath it for a weapon. She pulls out a kendo stick)
Barch: "Ah... now things are going to get hardcore!"
O'Neill: "Blum-Deckler swings... and gets Rowe right between the eyes! What a shot!"
Barch: "I think Stacy is bleeding now as well. I can see it coming through her bandanna."
O'Neill: "The Fashion Club are in control of this
Highland Street Fight right now. Both Lane and Rowe are bleeding heavily, and
Morgendorffer is... where are
Barch: "Can we get the camera following them on these monitors? Ahh... there we go."
(Daria and Sandi are fighting in the lower concourse of the stadium, where various merchandise booths and food kiosks are located)
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer and
Barch: "Daria wants to do more than simply hurt Sandi. I think she wants to end her career."
O'Neill: "I wouldn't be surprised. It just goes to show never to mess with one's mother."
(Daria picks up Sandi and throws her up on her shoulder. They both approach a popcorn cart)
Barch: "She's going to throw her right into that popcorn stand! Doesn't she know how badly that butter will clog up Sandi's pores? She'll be exfoliating and cleansing for months!"
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer about to take her for the
Barch: "And she is cut open as well now! This could be over very soon, Tim."
(Sandi arrogantly plants one foot on Daria and demands that Jesse counts the pin)
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer kicks out again! Where is she finding the strength to do this?"
Barch: "Desire for vengeance can really do wonders
for adrenalin reserves. Either that or
(Sandi picks up Daria and drags her out of the concourse and back through the crowd towards the ring. Meanwhile, Tiffany is choking Stacy with the kendo stick)
Barch: "Tiffany is the submission specialist of The Fashion Club, and she can use that expertise to hurt you in a thousand different ways. When a weapon gets involved, that number can rise exponentially."
O'Neill: "Here comes Lane to make the save for Rowe, and just in time too! Rowe was turning blue in the face."
Barch: "That didn't last long as Tori hits both of them with a clothesline!"
(With both Jane and Stacy down, Tiffany and Tori go to ringside, lift up the apron and grab two tables from underneath the ring)
Barch: "Tiffany and Tori are bringing out some wood here, skinny!"
O'Neill: "I shudder to think about what they could do here to Lane and Rowe."
Barch: "Wait... there's Sandi with Daria coming back over the barricade. I think Tiffany and Tori are waiting for her to do the honours and put Daria through the tables herself."
O'Neill: "Oh my... just look at Morgendorffer. She is wearing the proverbial crimson mask right now."
Barch: "Those tables are set up now. I think the end could be near."
O'Neill: "And Helen Barksdale just has to sit there and watch her daughter get annihilated once and for all."
(Sandi sets Daria up for a powerbomb through the tables, as Tiffany and Tori watch on and do the hand on heart salute. Sandi looks over to Helen and gives a two-fingered gesture, but Daria uses this split-second to drop down and hit a DDT)
Barch: "It could only be divine intervention. Seriously, she is not human. Daria Morgendorffer is not human, dammit!"
O'Neill: "And now Lane and Rowe are back up and getting in the blows! This match is still anyone's for the taking!"
(The fight splits off again, with Stacy and Tori fighting their way up the entrance ramp, Jane and Tiffany fighting at ringside and Daria throwing Sandi into the ring)
O'Neill: "Rowe now hitting
Barch: "They're nearly at the top of our entrance stage, O'Neill. This could end up back in the dressing rooms!"
O'Neill: "Rowe trying to go for a DDT on the metal
(The lights in that area of the stage black out temporarily, as Tori starts hitting Stacy with forearm shots to the head. One shot knocks off Stacy's blood-stained bandanna)
Barch: "Tori and Stacy are getting very close to the edge of our stage here. I'm nervous for both of them."
Barch: "Rowe has the spaghetti legs going! This could get real ugly, real quick."
O'Neill: "Oh no...
(Tori steps back and lines up Stacy with her thumbs and index fingers. She charges but Stacy counters with a back body drop that sends Tori flying off the stage and through the glass sunroof of The Fashion Club's limo. The crowd begins to chant "HOLY SHIT")
O'Neill: "Oh dear God in heaven!
Barch: "I hope Stacy is proud of herself. She may have just ended a promising young career with these sadistic actions!"
O'Neill: "It was either do that or she goes through herself! What was she supposed to do?"
Barch: "You say it your way, I'll say it mine."
O'Neill: "We have our medical team, led by Toni Morris and Leon Gibson, on standby with ambulances and other medical facilities, but this match continues in the meantime. Lane and Blum-Deckler are just beating the holy Hades out of each other right now!"
(Jane picks up Tiffany and drops her chest-first on the barricade. While Tiffany is down, Jane takes the opportunity to look under the ring for some weapons to use)
Barch: "Now Jane is starting to look for some plunder of her own."
O'Neill: "Let's see what she pulls out... there's a trash can... and a steel chair!"
Barch: "Looks like Jane is about to create another work of art."
(Jane picks up the steel chair, but get drop kicked in the knee by Tiffany)
O'Neill: "Lane takes too long and gets caught by Blum-Deckler."
Barch: "Now Tiffany is picking up the chair! She'll surely have cruel intentions for Jane here."
O'Neill: "Lane is on all fours and in a world of trouble... Wow! Rowe jumps off of Lane's back and kicks that chair right in Blum-Deckler's face!"
Barch: "Amazing creativity by Stacy! Using her own partner to strike what could be a match-winning kick!"
(As Stacy helps Jane to her feet, Daria and Sandi are slugging it out in the ring)
Barch: "Hold on... look at Sandi and Daria go! This is the battle we should be watching here!"
O'Neill: "Each punch that Morgendorffer hits here
carries a lifetime's worth of hatred and fury...
Barch: "One of Daria's weak spots is her eyes, Tim. For as long as I've known her, she's had to wear contact lenses in the ring. And she can't stand them!"
Barch: "Wow... if Daria gets slammed into that, it could only mean bad things for her."
(Sandi picks up Daria and tries to slam her head into the exposed turnbuckle. Daria puts her foot up to block, then slams Sandi into it)
Barch: "I think she's bleeding too now! There's drops of blood on the canvas but that could be Daria's."
O'Neill: "No that's definitely
Barch: "Well, I guess if she wasn't making a trip to the plastic surgeon's office before, she definitely is now."
(On the outside, Stacy and Jane lift up the semi-conscious Tiffany and place the trash can over her head. Jane picks up the chair and Stacy picks up the kendo stick, before they start swinging)
O'Neill: "There's a shot from Lane with the chair! There's another from Rowe with the kendo stick! Blum-Deckler is helpless here!"
Barch: "She's getting beaten around like a damn piñata! That cannot be good for her looks."
O'Neill: "You're not wrong... back and forth, shot after shot, Blum-Deckler is being physically dissected!"
(Jane and Stacy stop suddenly and motion for Helen to come over to them)
Barch: "Wait... are they inviting Helen into the ring?"
O'Neill: "This crowd is molten, Janet! This will be a moment to savour for all time if she hops the rail!"
Barch: "This match is no DQ! Technically, the whole roster could be out here if they wanted to be!"
(After some hesitation, Helen hops the barricade to an enormous cheer. Jane hands her the chair, as a sinister smile appears on Helen's face. She winds up and knocks down Tiffany with a chair shot so hard, the seat from it breaks off)
O'Neill: "JUSTICE!!! Helen Barksdale with what is probably the most satisfying chair shot of her life!"
Barch: "Damn! That shot was so loud, it was heard in seven different states!"
(The crowd erupts, before breaking into a huge "HELEN" chant. Stacy jumps up and hits a quick senton on Tiffany's trash can-covered head, crushing it)
Barch: "I think we may have seen the last of Tiffany for tonight, O'Neill."
O'Neill: "Wait... Lane is going to put the exclamation point on Blum-Deckler!"
Barch: "At least take the trash can off her head before you do it!"
(Jane hoists Tiffany over her shoulders, grabs her arms around her waist and drops to her knees, hitting Tiffany with an inverted piledriver)
O'Neill: "Disasterpiece on the outside! Blum-Deckler's neck could very well be broken!"
Barch: "Wasn't that move banned? I'm sure it was."
(As Tiffany starts to twitch and spasm, Jane and Stacy get into the ring, while Helen stays on the outside with Max and Nick. The crowd reaches fever pitch as they, along with Daria, surround Sandi)
O'Neill: "The Fashion Club, one by one, have been
eliminated by this coalition between The Freakin' Friends and Stacy Rowe. And
now, only Sandi Griffin, the leader of the group, remains. There comes a time
where one must pay for their sins. For
Barch: "I think they've made their point already. Just pin her and get this bloodbath over with."
O'Neill: "Looking at their eyes, I don't think they're finished with her at all. Not by a long shot."
(Sandi throws a punch at Stacy, but is quickly set upon by Daria and Jane. Soon they, along with Stacy, are beating down Sandi with stomps and kicks)
O'Neill: "Months... years even, of harassment and bullying and intimidation is being paid back in full by these three, and the crowd can't get enough!"
Barch: "Just get this over with, please. I don't think I can watch this anymore."
O'Neill: "They've got
(Sandi collapses to the mat with fatigue. Jane and Stacy pick her up and seat her on the top rope. Daria comes over and climbs up the turnbuckle)
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer has
Barch: "Daria is trying with everything she has left to get Sandi up in the air."
O'Neill: "They're both on the top rope now! This could go very wrong in so many ways!"
Barch: "That last punch did it. Sandi is out!"
O'Neill: "Wait... Morgendorffer is eyeing those tables that were set up earlier. Is she... no... surely no way..."
Barch: "I can see the raging fire burning in her eyes from here!"
O'Neill: "Come on now, Daria, don't do this! Don't sacrifice your career for this!"
Barch: "I can't believe this..."
(Daria lifts up Sandi for a superplex. She looks over to Helen, who has her face buried in her hands, then back at the table, then finally, back at her mother. She drops over the turnbuckle and hits a sitting powerbomb through the two tables on the outside. The crowd groans, before they start chanting "HOLY SHIT")
O'Neill: "SPLENDORA BOMB TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THOSE
TWO TABLES!!! AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
Barch: "Oh dear God... can somebody please stop this damn match before someone dies? Enough is enough!"
O'Neill: "I think we've just seen the end of two careers just now."
Barch: "I think that was the price Daria Morgendorffer was willing to pay to rid the LFC of The Fashion Club once and for all."
(Helen, Jane, Stacy and the referees start picking up pieces of wood to get to Daria and Sandi)
O'Neill: "It looks like Morgendorffer is on top of
Barch: "It's pretty academic at this point that neither of them will get up here. This match... wow..."
O'Neill: "Referee Nick Campbell counts... 1... 2... 3. Mercifully, the most brutal match in LFC history is over. Morgendorffer, Lane and Rowe win the Highland Street Fight, and I use that term very loosely."
Barch: "They didn't win, Tim. They survived."
(The crowd erupts with the loudest cheer of the night as Helen, Jane and Stacy slowly help Daria to her feet. Daria is now a bloody, quivering mess, with a bleeding nose to go with the huge cut above her eyebrow from earlier. The bell rings to end the match, and "Hate To Say I Told You So" starts to play. DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNERS of this
match... STACY ROWE,
Winners - Daria
Barch: "Winners, Anthony? WINNERS? Do they seriously look like winners to you?"
O'Neill: "I have been the play-by-play commentator for every match in LFC history, and never in all that time have I seen a match so brutal, so barbaric, and so disturbing as what I just watched."
Barch: "I hope that LFC General Manager Angela Li bans this match, because I never want to see another Highland Street Fight in this company for as long as I live. The damage that has been done to these six women is just extraordinary. It could be career-ending in some cases."
(Daria, Jane and Stacy limp back up the entrance ramp, with Helen following behind. They are barely able to acknowledge the crowd as they nurse their various injuries. Meanwhile, Ms. Morris leads a group of EMTs down to the wrecked limo with a stretcher for Tori)
Barch: "Well I hope for her sake that Daria gets that good night's sleep that she wanted, because I don't think I'd be able to if I was in her boots."
(As Daria, Jane, Stacy and Helen leave the entrance stage, the camera pans around the damage that has been done around the stadium. The now-worthless limo that Tori fell through, being attended by EMTs. Stacy's damaged motorcycle at ringside. A large pile of broken wood, among which lies Sandi. The trash can that is still on Tiffany's broken body. And everywhere, puddles of blood and bits of weapons. A second group of EMTs, led by Coach Gibson, wheel down stretchers for Sandi and Tiffany)
O'Neill: "I'm a believer of karmic retribution, Janet, and I'd have to say that Sandi Griffin and the rest of The Fashion Club got that and more."
Barch: "Do you honestly believe she deserved that? Yes, she's done some reprehensible things, but the punishment that she went through was inhumane."
O'Neill: "Well maybe, just maybe, this could be a wake-up call for The Fashion Club to change their ways. I doubt it, but you never know."
(Sandi and Tiffany get wheeled away from ringside on the stretchers. Tiffany is now bleeding from a cut on the back of her head, Tori is also bleeding, but from glass cuts on her back. She is being wheeled away, having been extracted from the limo. The crowd give a mixed response of respectful applause and "NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE" chants as The Fashion Club are wheeled away from ringside)
O'Neill: "As the ringside area gets cleaned up, let's go in a more positive direction and take a quick look at a match that occurred before Is It 'Mania Yet? went to air. This match saw twenty of our top developmental talents, ten male and ten female, compete in a battle royal. The final two in the match would receive promotion to the full-time LFC roster, a future shot at an LFC Tag Team Championship and a $50,000 bonus."
(Cut to footage of a battle royal match that happened earlier in the day. We are down to four people, Skylar, Shane, Rob and Tananda. Skylar is wearing green tights with golden dollar signs, Shane is wearing a white and orange wrestling singlet, Rob is wearing black and pink shorts with white kanji script and Tananda is wearing a light green one-piece attire. Tananda attempts a German suplex on Shane, but he flips out the back and pushes Tananda to the ropes. Rob, standing on the apron, pulls down the top rope and sends her flying over the top rope to the floor. They then both rush to the other side and clothesline Skylar over and out. Referee Monique raises the arms of Shane and Rob, who both have huge smiles on their faces)
Barch: "Tananda Inglis was so close to getting in that final two, Tim. She's one to watch in the future, I'm telling you now."
O'Neill: "As you just saw, the duo of Shane Hawkins and Koichi "Rob" Robazaki were the final two in the match, surviving 18 other fighters and earning a title shot in the process. This strange alliance now have an LFC Men's Tag Team Championship match against The Three Js next time we are on PPV, and they will make their official LFC debut this coming week on Friday Night Fights when they take on Spike Rose and Dave Hudson, Anarchy In The MD."
Barch: "Maybe it's just me, but Shane really looks like a complete butthead with that hair and that goofy expression."
O'Neill: "Regardless, you can see the whole match when Is It 'Mania Yet? is released on DVD and Blu-Ray in a couple of months time."
(Cut back to O'Neill and Barch)
O'Neill: "Anyway, congratulations to Hawkins and Robazaki, and we wish them the best of luck in their LFC careers."
Barch: "I don't really care one way or the other, to be honest."
O'Neill: "Well, it's been an incredible night of wrestling, and now it is finally time for the main event of the evening."
Barch: "I have been looking forward to this match for months, Tim! Quinn Morgendorffer faces the greatest challenge of her singles career so far, as she faces Brittany Taylor and Jodie Landon in a triple threat match, with the LFC Women's World Championship on the line!"
O'Neill: "Let us revisit the events that lead to this match!"
(Cut to footage of the
O'Neill: "Quinn Morgendorffer won the LFC Women's World Championship for the first time by outlasting 29 other fighters in the Lawndale Rumble. That night, she turned her back on The Fashion Club once and for all, and she was embraced by the fans for the first time in her career."
Barch: "At the time I questioned whether abandoning The Fashion Club was a good idea or not. However, when she defended the title against Sandi Griffin the very next Friday and not only showed no fear in doing so, but actually retained the gold, I realised that I may have been a tiny bit premature in writing her off as a World Champion."
(Cut to footage of a match between Brittany and Jodie. Jodie has hooked both of Brittany's arms and is about to hit a move, but Brittany escapes and rolls-up Jodie for a pin. Both Brittany and Jodie have their shoulders down, and both Trent and Jesse count the pin. Jesse raises Brittany's arm to declare her the winner, but Trent raises Jodie's arm to declare her the winner instead)
O'Neill: "Like these two. This was a No. 1 Contender's match between Taylor and Landon on Friday Night Fights a few weeks ago that ended up in a lot of controversy, Janet."
Barch: "Yep, a rare double pinfall, skinny! Both Brittany and Jodie has their shoulders down, and all our video cameras and instant replays could not split the difference."
O'Neill: "The next week, General Manager Angela Li declared that the match would be changed to a Triple Threat, therefore both Taylor and Landon get a shot."
Barch: "That has been a major reason for Jodie's frustration as of late, her lack of opportunities. Well, she gets one tonight, and she doesn't even have to pin or submit the champion to win the belt."
O'Neill: "For the final time tonight, here is Anthony!"
(Cut to DeMartino, standing in the ring)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, allow me to introduce our GUEST timekeeper for the NEXT match. She is one of the world's most FAMOUS gossip columnists, and her self-titled MAGAZINE is a best-seller in 150 countries. Please welcome the ONE, the ONLY... VAL!!!"
(The crowd reaction is mostly negative as "Piece Of Me" by Britney Spears starts to play. Val makes her way onto the entrance stage, blowing kisses to the crowd. She is wearing a very tight, very revealing and very age-inappropriate black dress)
Barch: "So let me get this straight. Li can't afford to give me a raise, but she can afford to throw money at D-list celebrities to ring a bell for one match?"
O'Neill: "I know how you feel, but to be honest. this will provide the LFC with some great publicity in the mainstream."
Barch: "Publicity doesn't pay our bills, and you know that."
O'Neill: "Our bills?"
Barch: "Uh... I mean MY bills! Yes, mine and mine alone... they know, don't they?"
(Val gets into the ring and poses for the crowd, before getting out again and taking a seat near ringside as her theme fades out)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the following CONTEST is tonight's... MAIN EVENT!!! It is a TRIPLE THREAT match, scheduled for ONE fall, and it is for the LFC Women's WORLD Championship!"
(The crowd cheers. Then, "Sweet As Sugar" by Grinspoon begins to play, causing the crowd to quieten down somewhat)
DeMartino: "Introducing the CHALLENGERS... FIRST,
fighting out of Great Prairie, Virginia, this is
Barch: "New music for
O'Neill: "Brittany Taylor has been training harder for this match than she has ever done for any match in her life. She stepped aside from leading The Cheerleader Squad to train at the Ellenbogen Dungeon in Buxton Ridge, one of the most brutal training facilities in all of sport, for the last two weeks. And she came through with flying colours."
Barch: "Only two people have ever made it through training at the Dungeon. One is Brittany Taylor. The other... LFC Hall of Famer Jake Morgendorffer."
O'Neill: "And he'll tell you how much he detested it
until he's blue in the face. In comparison,
(Brittany gets into the ring, jumps up on a turnbuckle and waves excitedly to the crowd, before doing a backflip back into the ring. Her theme fades out, and "SOS" by Rihanna begins to play. This causes a very mixed reaction)
DeMartino: "Introducing NEXT... fighting out of
(Jodie makes her way onto the entrance stage, to a crowd reaction of mostly boos and some cheers. She calmly takes a hairband out of her hair and shakes out her braids, not even stopping her walk to do so)
O'Neill: "Over the last few months, Jodie Landon has become one of the few fighters in the LFC that divides a crowd in two in terms of reaction."
Barch: "It's simple to explain. There are people who appreciate her hard work and her commitment to trying to win every time she gets in that ring. The rest are just idiots who see her recent take no prisoners approach as the acts of a bad person."
O'Neill: "But you can't dispute the fact that some of the things she's done in recent months are, to say the least, out of character."
Barch: "Um... yes! She's always sought perfection. The only difference is that now she's not discriminating as to who falls at her feet."
(Jodie gets into the ring and turns her gaze to the entrance stage. Her theme fades out and "Just A Girl" by No Doubt begins to play to a huge cheer from the crowd)
DeMartino: "Introducing the CHAMPION... fighting out of Pepperhill, California, she is the REIGNING and DEFENDING LFC Women's World Champion, this is QUINN... MORGENDORFFER!!!"
(Quinn doesn't come out onto the entrance stage. Instead, she is standing in the rafters of the arena, hooked up to a zipline)
Barch: "What is she doing up there?"
O'Neill: "Quinn Morgendorffer, the reigning LFC Women's World Champion, is going to make one show-stopping entrance!"
Barch: "This is what Quinn is about these days... making her own mark. She has forever been in someone's shadow, whether that of her sister Daria, or that of Sandi Griffin. Quinn is now well on her way to not only equalling their achievements, but possibly surpassing them."
(Quinn jumps off the rafters and glides down to ringside to enormous cheers)
O'Neill: "WHAT A RIDE!!! The flashbulbs are literally lighting up this stadium!"
Barch: "We've seen Harleys, we've seen limos, and we've seen paparazzi. But I don't think anything will top that."
(Quinn lands near the ring and starts unhooking herself from the harness. She does so, and gets into the ring. Quinn hops on the turnbuckle, takes off her belt and shows it to the crowd. As she gets down, her theme fades out)
DeMartino: "And when the action BEGINS, the referee
in CHARGE for this contest is head official
(Quinn and Brittany touch hands. They both offer them to Jodie, who does so with no sincerity. Trent hands the championship belt to DeMartino, who gets out of the ring with it)
O'Neill: "Wow, you could cut the electricity in this building right now with a knife!"
Barch: "Better hope it's a plastic knife then."
(Val rings the bell, signifying the start of the match)
O'Neill: "And here we go... Morgendorffer and Taylor with the collar and elbow tie up, trying to gain an advantage early."
Barch: "Neither is giving an inch at the moment. They're almost perfectly matched."
O'Neill: "Now what is Landon doing?"
(Jodie tries get the attention of Quinn and Brittany, but they are too busy locked up. Frustrated, she shoves Quinn, then Brittany and demands their attention)
Barch: "That's right, Brittany and Quinn. Jodie is in this match too!"
O'Neill: "Look at her running her mouth. She's probably said more in the last ten seconds than she has in two months."
(Quinn and Brittany stare at Jodie, dumbfounded, before they shrug their shoulders and knock her down with simultaneous hooks)
O'Neill: "Bang! Down goes Landon!"
Barch: "I think Jodie should be lot more careful next time about what she wishes for!"
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer and Taylor working together here as they hurl Landon to the outside!"
(With Jodie on the outside, Quinn and Brittany turn their attention back to each other. They lock up, and start exchanging counters)
Barch: "Neither of them seem to be able to get an advantage at the moment."
Barch: "No... Quinn rolls out. You'll need to do more than that to get Quinn Morgendorffer down for the 3 count."
(Quinn runs off the ropes and tries for a move, but Brittany catches her and slams her to the mat)
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer went for what looked liked
the Quinnception, only to get hit by a hard side slam there by
O'Neill: "Not to mention her endurance and stamina. She lasted nearly half an hour in the Lawndale Rumble, longer than anyone else in the match."
Barch: "I don't know how much longer I can endure you not calling the match!"
(Jodie picks up Brittany and throws her to the outside, and starts stomping Quinn)
O'Neill: "Landon is being relentless with these attacks right now! Boots right to the torso of Morgendorffer."
Barch: "I'll say what I've been saying every week since the Lawndale Rumble. With her renewed focus and ruthless aggression, it is not a question of if Jodie wins the big one, but when."
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer back on her feet... and Landon with a hard short-arm clothesline!"
Barch: "Quinn's head snapped back hard then. Nasty clothesline."
O'Neill: "Landon tries a cover now... 1... 2...
O'Neill: "If there is one thing that
Barch: "And here comes Quinn again... double clothesline to Brittany and Jodie!"
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer takes them both by surprise by taking them to the ground!"
(Quinn tries for a pin on Jodie, but she gets up at 2. Quinn picks her up)
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer with a kick to Landon... she hooks the arms, lifts her up and hits a Crash Landon?"
Barch: "That's Jodie's move! I call copyright infringement and theft!"
O'Neill: "I call a cover... 1... 2... and Taylor breaks it up at 2."
(Brittany picks up Quinn and kicks her in the mid-section, before she runs to the ropes)
Barch: "Turnabout is fair play, skinny! Quinn has found that out the hard way."
(Jodie lifts up
O'Neill: "Surely not... she's not, is she?"
O'Neill: "I need my echinacea right now... my head is spinning with all these stolen moves!"
Barch: "In that case... Lane counts the pin... and Quinn saves the match at 2. You ready to go again, Tim?"
O'Neill: "Yes, I'm fine now."
(As Jodie gets up, Quinn knocks down her with a
clothesline. She then grabs her legs, turns her over and locks in a
Barch: "Is Quinn standing on her hair there? I think she might be standing on Jodie's hair."
O'Neill: "Either way, Morgendorffer is pulling back hard on the legs of Landon with this submission attempt."
Barch: "But Jodie is crawling towards the ropes. Quinn will have to let go if she does end up grabbing one."
O'Neill: "She's nearly there... wait...
Barch: "Jodie must be in absolute agony, but she cannot tap out here!"
O'Neill: "Because that will end the match?"
Barch: "Yes not only that, but the question would be who wins? Quinn and Brittany can't share the title!"
(In a last-ditch effort, Jodie finally reaches the ropes.
O'Neill: "Looks like Landon is taking a timeout and heading for our announce table. She needs it after the beating she's been taking so far in this match."
Barch: "That does seem like a good idea. These matches are unofficially no disqualification and no countout but no one ever actually tells them that."
O'Neill: "Taylor and Morgendorffer follow suit and hit Landon hard with a double clothesline! Wow, this is almost like the Highland Street Fight with everyone fighting on the outside like this."
Barch: "Please don't remind me. I'm still feeling nauseous."
(Quinn suddenly throws
Barch: "What the hell are you doing, Quinn? I needed that monitor to see things!"
O'Neill: "Oh my... Morgendorffer is starting to show that calculating, sinister side that was so prevalent when she was in The Fashion Club."
Barch: "Jeez, can I at least move my laptop first?"
(Quinn picks up Jodie and kicks her in the mid-section.
As she lifts her up,
Barch: "Ooh... Brittany and Jodie are staring each other down again, but... they're not attacking each other."
O'Neill: "These estranged former best friends, not taking their eyes off each other for one second!"
(Without taking her eyes off of
O'Neill: "Taylor and Landon playing the strange bedfellows here, and they've got Morgendorffer in big trouble! This can't end well!"
Barch: "That's it, I'm out of here."
(Barch drops her headphones and moves away from the announce table. Brittany and Jodie lift Quinn up and suplex her through the announce table)
O'Neill: "GOOD GOD!!! MORGENDORFFER HAS JUST BEEN SUPLEXED THROUGH OUR ANNOUNCE TABLE!!! Bits of wood and plastic just exploded everywhere!"
(Barch comes back to what is left of the announce table and puts her headphones back on)
Barch: "That could be the end of her title reign right there, O'Neill! Wow... its times like this I wish Li would fork out for a Spanish announce team. Then this kind of thing would happen to us a hell of a lot less!"
O'Neill: "Now Taylor and Landon have only each other between themselves and the gold."
(Brittany and Jodie get back into the ring and start throwing punches at each other)
Barch: "This is what it's all about, skinny! Throwing the fists with reckless abandon until the other girl can't stand up no more!"
Barch: "Easy come, easy go. Now we have a chance to see what Jodie can do here to win the title."
(Jodie picks up
O'Neill: "Facebuster by Landon and that could end the match right now."
Barch: "And she's not hesitating in attempting a cover."
(A frustrated Jodie pulls at her braids and starts
Barch: "There we go. Channel that frustration and aggression into something productive, Jodie!"
O'Neill: "Landon has that armbar locked in hard and
tight! Listen to
Barch: "Screaming isn't going to get Jodie off of her. She's going to have to counter or get to the ropes, because Quinn is only just starting to stir now."
(Suddenly, Jodie lets go, pulls
Barch: "That will do nicely for Jodie. DeMartino better be getting ready to announce a new LFC Women's World Champion!"
O'Neill: "I could say something about hatching
chickens, but you could be right here.
Barch: "You know I'm right... wait...
O'Neill: "1... 2... long 2 count! How on Earth did
Barch: "The easy answer would be to say that all that cheerleader training came into play, but I really don't know."
(Jodie gets to her feet and picks up Brittany, who is holding her damaged arm. Jodie kicks her in the mid-section and hooks the arms)
Barch: "Well, if that armbar didn't do it, a Crash Landon will!"
Barch: "This just goes to show that you should never count out Brittany Taylor at any time. Ever."
O'Neill: "But you were..."
Barch: "Shut up and call the match, skinny!"
(Brittany gets up and starts to clap her hands, inviting
the crowd to do so. As they start clapping,
Barch: "She's stalking Jodie, just waiting for the right moment to try for the Taylor Made."
O'Neill: "There she goes... and there it is!
Barch: "She only did it with one arm though, will that be enough?"
Barch: "Here we go, O'Neill! Quinn is a house on fire right now with these rapid chops!"
O'Neill: "Repeated shots right to the chest of
Barch: "Why? Because she has much bigger ones than the rest of the roster? How dare you say something like that, you chauvinist pig!"
O'Neill: "I was going to say because she has a high pain tolerance, I swear... I should stick to play-by-play, right?"
Barch: "Yes, you should."
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer whips
Barch: "I swear I just saw some teeth get knocked out by that!"
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer has the shoulders down... 1... 2... and Landon saves the match again!"
Barch: "These women have to have eyes in the back of their heads to be able to keep doing this."
O'Neill: "But now Landon is on the receiving end of Morgendorffer's chops... but Landon catches one and flings her over the top rope to the outside!"
Barch: "Hold it, she's still holding on to that top rope!"
(Quinn pulls herself up and back over the top rope, catches Jodie's head with her legs and uses her momentum to take Jodie down to the mat)
O'Neill: "Fantastic agility by Morgendorffer! First she skins the cat, and then she gets Landon with the headscissors!"
Barch: "Indeed that was fantastic, but she hasn't
O'Neill: "Morgendorffer goes for the Quinnception on
Barch: "That's it! Game over... what is it with people not going for the covers right away tonight?"
(With both Quinn and Jodie down,
Barch: "This crowd is really starting to go off! Listen to the cheers!"
O'Neill: "She may not have much left in her, but
Barch: "Jodie and Quinn aren't moving, Tim!"
(The crowd boos heavily as Angel and Jackie pick up
O'Neill: "What business does Angel Ferrana and Jackie Wentworth have being down here?"
Barch: "Maybe they're going to try and complete the set and take out the leader of The Cheerleader Squad."
O'Neill: "There's the rear waistlock by Wentworth, and it looks like it's Head Banger time. What a shame that this match had to be ruined by outside interference."
(Just as Angel starts stepping back to ready herself for the super kick, Angie, Lisa, Nikki and Donna hop over the barricade, charge into the ring and start beating down both her and Jackie, who lets Brittany go in the process)
Barch: "There's the cavalry, Timothy! The Cheerleader Squad are here to help their leader in her time of need!"
O'Neill: "Zammit and Fisher and Dowling and
Barch: "And over the top rope they go... wait... here comes A-List Incorporated! And The Dames of Darkness too! What is going on?"
O'Neill: "There's Burns... Nibblett... Hogan... Jones... Watkins and Leung... Harris... they're all coming on down, Janet!"
Barch: "Have we opened up the doors to the homeless or something?"
Barch: "Jodie was thrown out of the ring like a freakin' javelin! This is insane!"
O'Neill: "What kind of bedlam are we witnessing here? I think we have nearly the entire LFC women's roster out here right now!"
Barch: "This is complete and utter madness, O'Neill, and the crowd is going bananas! Is the match still going?"
O'Neill: "Seems like it. Morgendorffer and Taylor are
throwing some major bombs here... and
(Brittany begins to turn, but Quinn finds her way out. She
runs off the ropes and hits
O'Neill: "QUINNCEPTION!!! She finally hit it!"
Barch: "But she's too out of it to cover! Where is Jodie?"
O'Neill: "Landon is only just getting up now... Morgendorffer
throws an arm on
Barch: "Come on, Jodie!"
Barch: "Break the pin!"
O'Neill: "...3!!! Quinn Morgendorffer retains the LFC Women's World Championship in an absolute classic!"
Barch: "Damn straight! Unbelievable match!"
(The crowd metaphorically explodes as Quinn drops to her
knees, tired and fatigued. She helps
Barch: "DOWN GOES VAL!!! DOWN GOES VAL!!! Write about that in your stupid magazine!"
(DeMartino stands up, microphone in hand)
DeMartino: "Ladies AND gentlemen, the WINNER of this match and... STILL LFC Women's WORLD Champion... QUINN... MORGENDORFFER!!!"
Winner - Quinn Morgendorffer
O'Neill: "ON THE BIGGEST STAGE OF ALL, QUINN
MORGENDORFFER HAS LIVED THE DREAM OF A LIFETIME!!! SHE LEAVES
Barch: "And by God, didn't she earn it! She went toe to toe with Brittany Taylor and Jodie Landon, both at their absolute best, not to mention surviving all of that interference towards the end that pretty much emptied the women's locker room."
O'Neill: "And look who else is coming out to celebrate."
(Daria, Jane and Stacy emerge on the entrance stage and start slowly coming down to ringside. All three have their heads bandaged, while Stacy's left arm, Jane's chest and ribs and Daria's right shoulder are all wrapped up as well)
O'Neill: "Just look at the camaraderie and respect we're seeing in the ring right now. They live for moments like this!"
Barch: "They spend years training and working with each other, sharing the highs and lows, a lot of them not seeing their families for weeks at a time. It's things like this right here that is what makes it all worthwhile."
(Quinn gets down off of Andrea and Scarlett, and gives Daria, Jane and Stacy a hug as they finally get in the ring, tears of joy streaming down her face)
O'Neill: "Well, on that note. It's time to wrap up
this incredible night. For my broadcast colleagues Diane Bennett, Claire Defoe
and Janet Barch, I am Timothy O'Neill saying good night from the Vexxer Stadium
(Quinn raises the belt up to the crowd once more, to a rapturous reception. Fade to black)
The names Brooke Watkins, Dewey 'Shaggy' Rogers, Jackie Wentworth, Jennifer 'Burnout' Burns, Monique Dupri, Robert Korleski, Scarlett LeFaye, Siobhan "Chipmunk" Hogan and Tori Jericho originate from fics written by authors other than myself. No harm was intended by my use of these names.
All pre-existing Daria characters, locations and products are trademarks of MTV Networks and Viacom International. All other characters, locations and products were created by me and are completely fictional. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, by any of my fictional characters is unintentional and purely coincidental. This parody of Daria is copyright (c) 2011 by The Excellent S and was written with no intentions for future profit. This parody was written for www.outpost-daria.com and may not be redistributed or reposted on any other website without the permission of the author.
Special thanks to Martin Pollard for hosting this story at his website, to CR85747, ipswichfan and VPrad at The Paperpusher's Message Board for their contributions to the story, and to Charles RB, Chris Tucker, Ixmythot, Kvltism, LadieT, NightGoblyn and Roentgen at The Paperpusher's Message Board for their feedback (throughout the posting of both the teasers and the main story).
The book name "Hooker" is derived from the actual biography of legendary wrestler Lou Thesz, and is a must-read for any fan of professional wrestling.
If you would like to send some feedback and questions about this or any of my other Daria projects, please contact me at the PPMB.
NO REGION 4 DARIA DVD SET, NO PEACE
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