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This is the third First Summer story and occurs during the summer between seasons 2 and 3.
Richard Lobinske
Fun on the Fourth
(Opening Credits)
(Exterior view of the Lane house. Cut to Jane's bedroom. She's prone on the bed with her legs bent at the knees and ankles crossed. Daria is seated on the floor next to an empty pizza box. Both are watching television. Cut to TV showing a fireworks display, followed by a man pulling up his pants)
SSW Announcer - Want an instant fireworks display? Give this man a can of beans and a lighter! The Farts of July, next on Sick, Sad World.
(Jane slurps the last drops of soda in a cup through a straw)
Jane - Just make sure you stay upwind.
Daria - Must be July sweeps, they're pulling out the big guns.
Jane - Big something, anyway.
Daria - I wonder what he could do with a bottle of Sergeant Red's Treaty Violation.
Jane - A bottle of what?
Daria - Before we moved here; a local hot sauce Dad used to buy until Mom threatened to have Grandma Tess stay with us for the summer.
Jane - A bit on the potent side?
Daria - It could strip Teflon off a frying pan. I wouldn't be surprised if it did violate some international chemical weapon treaties.
(Jane sits up)
Jane - Ouch. Bet you feel it the next day, too.
Daria - I also think it's illegal to ship it across state lines.
Jane - Kind of reminds me - bummer that Lawndale doesn't have fireworks anymore.
Daria - Local ban?
Jane - Yeah. After the park caught on fire a couple years ago. They had to evacuate all the spectators, panic ensued, people sued.
Daria - And you didn't have your camera.
Jane - Dammit. Nothing cool ever happens when I've got it with me.
Daria - There, there. Something will happen eventually.
(Jane scratches her head)
Jane - Okay. Are you an optimist for saying that I'll get what I want...or a pessimist for saying that something Sick, Sad World worthy will happen around here?
(Daria faintly smiles)
(Exterior view of the Morgendorffer house. Cut to dining room with the family around the table. Daria and Jake are reading newspapers, Quinn Waif, and Helen legal briefs)
Jake - Wow! I bet this will be fun.
(Jake lowers paper)
Daria - What, Dad? Dropping Quinn off at a thrift store, blindfolded?
Quinn - Eww, Daria. Some of us are trying to eat here.
Daria - A red-letter day, Quinn is actually eating dinner at home. No dates tonight?
Quinn - Don't be silly. Just no dinner dates.
Jake - Um, girls. I was trying to tell you something.
Daria - What is it, Dad?
Jake - Lawndale's having a Fourth of July celebration at the park this Friday. Won't it be fun to get together to watch the fireworks?
Daria - Dad, Lawndale doesn't have fireworks.
Jake - What? No fireworks? Sounds like my old man. (shouts) He never would take us to see fireworks. If I didn't know better, I'd say the noise bothered him.
(Daria goes behind Jake and reads the article over his shoulder)
Daria - They'll have a laser show at the park instead of fireworks.
Jake - Oh. Well girls, want to go?
Helen - Go where?
Jake (Disappointed) - To the Fourth of July celebration at the park.
(Helen looks up from her reading)
Helen - Oh, that's nice. Why don't we all go?
(Jake looks disappointed)
Quinn - Don't I get any say in this?
Helen - We'll have some quality time together.
Quinn - Mo-om! Outside? (pause) In a public park? (pause) Heat? (pause) Humidity? (pause) Barbeque smoke? (pause) Bugs?
Helen - We'll get some good insect repellent.
Quinn - Eww. Don't you realize just how unpopular the smell of that stuff is? Not to mention what it can do to your complexion.
Daria - Why don't you just get a bunch of your male hangers-on to stay close and act as decoys?
Helen - Daria, that's awful. How could you even suggest it?
Daria - Because nothing says "I care" like donating blood?
(Exterior view of the Griffin house. Cut to Sandi's bedroom. Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany are seated on the floor, while Sandi is at the door, looking down the hall)
Sandi - Keep it down, you little brats!
Sam (VO) - Make me!
Chris (VO) - Yeah, make him!
Sam (VO) - No, make him shut up!
Chris (VO) - Him!
(Thumps of the two boys fighting can be heard as Sandi closes the door in a huff. She crosses the room and sits among the rest of the Fashion Club, folding her arms over her chest as she does)
Sandi - Stacy, please continue, now that my brothers' rude interruption is over.
(Loud thud of a head hitting the wall can be heard. Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany look in the direction of the sound. Sandi stares in the opposite direction. The other girls look uneasy, but shift their attention back to the meeting)
Sandi - Stacy...we're waiting.
Stacy - Eep! I, um, okay. (Reads from sheet of paper) So, Tootsie-Tone nail polish has the best match to Waif's "Cool Colors for a Hot Summer."
Quinn - Thanks, Stacy.
Tiffany - Real important.
Stacy - So, now we can wear open shoes to the party?
Sandi - Provided, they properly coordinate with your toenail polish.
Stacy - I promise.
(Sound of regularly spaced thuds can be heard, like that of two wrestling boys tumbling down the stairs. Sandi stands up, visibly frustrated)
Sandi - Oooh! If those two jerks kill themselves, Mom's going to blame me for it.
(Sandi exits)
Stacy - It's so unfair that Mrs. Griffin is making Sandi watch her brothers all summer. I know, maybe we could ask her to take Sam and Chris to a day-care center or something.
Tiffany - Like that Precious Tikes place.
(Quinn looks panicked)
Quinn - Um, maybe not. Then she might find something...worse for Sandi to do.
Stacy - Oh, you're right. I'm glad you thought of that, Quinn.
(Daria's bedroom. She and Jane are seated on the bed to watch television. Daria holds a telephone with the mouthpiece covered)
Jane - The smell of DEET, spilled beer, and lighter fluid-tainted, burned meat on the grill. What better way to celebrate our independence?
Daria - Makes me feel all patriotic. I can't believe we're invited.
Jane - It does make you feel special when the whole class is invited. But, the Landons can put out a big spread. Just concentrate on mooching burgers and sodas.
Daria - Maybe aliens will invade and they'll have to cancel.
Jane - Last year, didn't you notice?
Daria - Rats, I missed it. Oh, yeah. No evolved intelligence in their right mind would invade Highland.
Jane - So, we hit Jodie's party.
Daria - I'd rather not.
Jane - Come on, it'll be...good food?
(Daria cocks her head)
Jane - Okay, it'll be food. And not hanging around with your parents or sister.
Daria - Damn you, Jane. You're starting to use logic on me.
(Daria raises the telephone and speaks into it)
Daria - Jodie?
Jodie (VO) - I'm still awake.
Daria - We'll be there.
Jodie (VO) - Thanks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(View of Helen's red SUV driving along a street. Cut to view through the front window, Helen is driving, Jake is in the passenger seat, Quinn is behind him and Daria is behind Helen)
Helen - It would've been nice to spend more time together, but I'm glad you were invited to Jodie's party, Daria. See, sometimes, people do want to include you in their fun.
Quinn - Mo-om. Jodie invited almost the whole school.
Helen - Oh.
Jake (Building rant) - At least you got invited. Nobody ever invited me to a party!
Helen - Jake. Not now.
Jake - But they didn't.
Daria - From what I've seen so far of high school parties, you didn't miss much.
Quinn - You've only been to that one party of Brittany's.
Daria - That was enough.
Helen - Well, maybe this one will help to convince you otherwise.
Daria - I'm sure it will, and then I'll become the Lawndale Party Queen.
Quinn - Like that'll happen.
(View of Helen's SUV pulling into a grass parking lot. As the Morgendorffers exit the truck, Joey, Jeffy and Jamie rush over and surround Quinn)
Joey - We'll protect you, Quinn!
Jeffy - Yeah, nothing'll get past us!
Jamie - Mosquitoes don't have a chance!
Quinn - Joey, Jeffy, Jerry, that's so sweet.
Jamie - That's Jamie.
Quinn - Jamie, I'm so sorry.
Jamie - That's all right, Quinn.
(Quinn, surrounded by the 3 J's, exit. Daria stares at them while Jake and Helen remove picnic supplies from the back of the truck and set up behind the vehicle)
Daria - Somebody please kick me for even giving her that idea.
Jane (VO) - Bend over and I'll give you a boot.
(Jane and Trent enter)
Daria - No way, Jane.
Trent - Hey, Daria.
Daria - Um, hi Trent.
Helen - Oh, hi Jane. Hi, Trent.
Jane - Yo.
Trent - Hey.
Helen - Are you also going to Jodie's party?
(Trent laughs and coughs)
Trent - Don't you think I'm a little mature for high school parties?
(Daria slightly laughs)
Trent - Come to think of it, that seems familiar.
(A car horn is heard. Cut to the Tank in the parking lot, with Max leaning out of the driver's window)
Max - C'mon Trent!
Trent - Just a minute!
Jane - I'll hitch a ride home with Daria. Go on.
Trent - You cool with that, Daria?
Daria - Oh, um, yeah, I guess so.
(Jane grins)
Jane - Don't be shy, Daria. Tell us what you really think.
Daria (Sotto voce) - You need a hobby.
Jane - But I've gone one.
Trent - Janey, we'll be back in the morning...maybe tomorrow afternoon.
Jane - Remember to use a parking lot this time, okay?
Trent - Yeah, thanks. Bye, everyone.
(Trent waves and exits)
Helen - Jane, would you like to join us for some sandwiches before you two go to the party?
(Jane scratches her chin in faux contemplation)
Jane - Hmm. Free food. Should I or shouldn't I?
Daria - Mom, just keep body parts and loose items away from her when she gets started.
(View of Daria and Jane moving through groups of Lawndale High students at Jodie's party, holding drinks and party food)
Daria - Tell me again, how is this supposed to be fun?
Jane - Well, the fun part does involve a certain level of socialization.
Daria - Ah, so that's the problem.
(Jodie and Mack enter)
Jodie - Hi guys, glad you could make it.
Daria - Hey. How's the shredding business at Congressman Sack's office going?
Jodie - I bet as well as your PR work for the law firm.
Jane - Now, now. No talking shop. We're here to have fun.
Jodie - Dental surgery is fun compared to where I'm stuck this summer. Jane has the right idea.
Daria - Okay. Fun. Now where did I leave my fun program?
Mack - That's okay. I'm sure we can find a spare backup around here.
(View of Daria and Jane observing the party. The Fashion Club walks by with Quinn still surrounded by the 3 J's. Everyone in the group is slapping at mosquitoes except Quinn, who walks along blissfully not bothered)
Stacy - Ow. Maybe we should use some of that bug repellent.
Sandi - And allow ourselves to smell like that?
Tiffany - Bites hurt.
Sandi - Tiffany, Floral Effervescence is the perfume of the week. Do you want to wear something called "Off?"
Tiffany - Eww, no.
(The Fashion Club exit)
Jane - Leave it to Quinn to use human decoys. Although, I am a little impressed she came up with the idea.
Daria - She didn't.
Jane - Oh?
Daria - I made a smart-assed remark about it and she put it into practice.
Jane - Practical applications from sarcastic remarks. You Morgendorffers display some interesting talents.
Daria - I'm still trying to figure out how she got them to do it.
Jane - Daria, I really think that's something you need to sit down and discuss with your mother. But if you want a quick demonstration, I'll see if I can get Trent to come back...
Daria - That's enough, Lane.
(View of bushes near the party. Andrea, Beatnik Shaggy, Bob {boy with nose chain}, Jennifer {Burnout Girl} and Scarlet {Ankh Girl} are sneaking through. Each carries a high-power water gun and a plastic bag)
Andrea - Water guns loaded?
Shaggy - Check.
Bob - Check.
Jennifer - Check.
(Andrea removes a can of aerosol string from bag)
Andrea - Party string?
Shaggy - Check.
Bob - Check.
Jennifer - Check.
(Andrea removes a container of toy slime from bag)
Andrea - Slime?
Shaggy - Check.
Bob - Check.
Jennifer - Check.
(Cut to another group of bushes where Skyler, Corey, Brooke and Robert are doing the same. Cut back to Daria and Jane observing the party)
Daria - Wow. The fun is almost overwhelming. I don't know if I can contain myself any more.
Jane - Daria. To have fun, you need to at least make some effort.
Daria - No I don't. I can stay here and wait for something stupid and entertaining to start.
Andrea (VO) - There they are!
(Several bright green and orange blobs of slime fly over Daria and Jane. They follow the path with their heads)
Corey (VO) - Incoming!
Skyler (VO) - Return fire!
(More bright green and orange blobs fly over Daria and Jane as they watch the return path)
Daria - I think this would be an excellent time to change locations.
Jane - Why didn't you just say "Run!"?
(Daria and Jane run out of view as more blobs of slime, party string, and streams of water shoot back and forth across the scene)
----------------------------------------------------
(Long view of Jodie's party. Numerous other students have joined in the general melee, adding in thrown food and drink cups. Zoom in to Daria and Jane sitting on the ground behind a table tipped on its side. Bright orange slime has been splattered on Daria's jacket. Jane is wet and has small spatters of orange on her jacket and shirt)
Jane - Stupid and entertaining. Ask and ye shall receive.
(Daria pulls some slime off and rubs it between her fingertips)
Daria - Me and my big mouth. Do you realize some lab spent a lot of time and effort to concoct this stuff?
Jane - Ain't technology great?
(Side view of Brooke sneaking up along a hedge. She pokes her head over and spots the Fashion Club and the 3 Js. She grins and removes the last four containers of slime from her bag. She pulls the lid off each and looks again. Satisfied, she ducks down and launches all four in quick succession over the hedge)
Stacy (VO) - Eww!
Sandi (VO) - Stacy what are you...ouch!
Tiffany (VO) - That's so gross. Hey!
Jamie (VO) - We got you covered, Quinn!
Jeffy (VO) - Don't worry!
Joey (VO) - We'll protect you!
Jamie (VO) - I stopped it!
Jeffy (VO) - I stopped it more!
Joey (VO) - No, I did!
(Brooke sneaks away as the sound of the 3 Js fighting is heard)
(View of Daria and Jane still sitting behind overturned table. Tinny patriotic music is heard and Jane points to the sky)
Jane - Hey, the light show's started.
Daria - Hmm. Not bad.
Jane - Music sounds kind of cheap.
Daria - Maybe they hired the Lawndale High Marching Band.
Jane - Impossible. This sounds like a cheap music box.
Daria - Oh, yeah. The Lawndale band could never get that depth of sound.
(Whistles sound in the distance)
Cop (VO) - Okay kids. Break it up!
Daria - Might be another good time for us to change locations.
Jane - Right behind you.
Daria - So I get hit with stuff first?
(Daria and Jane carefully rise and move off screen. Several students run past them. Cut to the Fashion Club walking away. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are covered with slime. The 3 Js are muddy, but still walk around Quinn, who is still untouched by everything. The rest of the Fashion Club glare at her)
Quinn - I'm feeling a little thirsty. Would somebody like to take me somewhere to get a soda?
3 Js - Me! I will! No, me!
(Side view of Daria and Jane walking along path next to a tall hedge. Daria picks up an open container of slime from the path and looks into it)
Daria - I've seen enough of this stuff.
(Daria tosses the can over the hedge)
Male Voice - Hey!
Daria - Oops.
Jane - We better get out of here.
(Daria and Jane quickly walk off screen while the view stays on the hedge. A girl's laugh comes from behind it)
Girl's Voice - Tom, that's so funny.
Tom - Yeah Elsie, real hilarious.
Elsie - But green looks so good on you.
(Long view of the Landons' party area. Tables are tipped, cups and plates scattered, and most objects show blotches of green or orange slime and party string. Michelle, with one strand of party string dangling from her head, surveys the damage. Jodie stands next to her, splattered with orange and green slime)
Michelle - Jodie.
Jodie - Yes, Mom?
Michelle - Next year, we need to have a little more control here.
Jodie - I think you're right.
Michelle - Next year, we have it at our house. To at least have some control of who's here.
Jodie - And what they bring with.
Michelle - No slime.
(Jodie wipes some from her hair and slings it to the ground with a loud "splat")
Jodie - Agreed.
Michelle - Jodie, are you sure you don't want to transfer to Grove Hills?
Jodie - Mom, think of how much damage they could've done if they'd had brains.
Michelle - Oh. I see your point.
(View of Helen's SUV in the parking lot. Helen and Jake are loading things into it as Quinn walks up)
Jake - Hey, Quinn. Have a good time?
Quinn - Oh, Daddy. I had a wonderful time.
Jake - See, I told you this would be fun.
Helen - We heard some kind of commotion over there. Is everything all right?
Quinn - Oh, nothing big. Just a little teen-age shenanigans.
(Daria and Jane enter, still showing slime residue. Quinn walks around the SUV to the driver's side)
Helen - Daria! What happened to you?
Daria - Just some collateral damage from the teen-age shenanigans.
Jane - Some kids had a water gun fight with support weapons.
Jake - Hey, Kiddo! That's great. Bet you had a lot of fun.
Daria - Oh, yeah. Fun. Sure.
Jake - Come on. I bet you did.
(Daria sighs and looks down at her jacket)
Daria - Mom, I bet you want me to take this off.
Helen - I don't want that stuff in my car. Make sure you shake as much loose as you can before putting it in back.
(Daria takes her jacket off and stands near the back of the SUV. Just as she starts to shake the jacket, Quinn comes back around the car)
Quinn - Oh, Mom. Could I...
(Small bits of slime scatter all along the front of Quinn's clothes and on her face)
Quinn - Eww! Mo-om!
Daria - Okay, now that was fun.
(End credits)
Thanks to Louise Lobinske, Ipswichfan and Mr. Orange for beta reading.
July 2005