"Daria" Episode 402: "Antisocial climbers"

By Bacner (Olgak531@rogers.com)  


It all began in Mr. O'Neill's class, when he spoke to the students: "Class, in my hands, I hold a piece of paper which has the potential to open up a world of positive experiences."

"Mandatory home-schooling legislation?" Daria mumbled to Jane.

Mr. O'Neill continued, oblivious. "A sign-up sheet for an overnight hill trek. An excellent opportunity to understand the primal struggle for survival we made it through together in The Call of the Wild."

Jane and Daria looked at each other.

"Hmm, 24 consecutive hours with our classmates," Jane said.

"It doesn't get any more primal than that," Daria replied.

"So my guess is you won't be signing up?"

Daria shook her head. "No. My life is so full already that trying biodegradable toilet paper would just bring it to the bursting point. What about you?"

Jane looked almost panicky. For her, that is. "No way. I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody."

It took a lot to shock Daria, but this cut it close. "You were a Girl Scout?"

Jane shivered at the thought. "Not after the deprogramming."

In short, Daria and Jane left, firmly deciding not to go the mountains at any cost. But Fate decided otherwise.


The next morning all four Morgendorffers were eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Jake was holding a cereal box while covering one eye. "K-I-N... or is that an "M"? Damn eyes!" he pounded the table.

Quinn, of course, was thinking only about fashion. "Oh, Mom, look! These climbing shoes will look so cute with the matching tear-resistant cigarette pants."

Helen somewhat perked-up at the thought. "Yes... Daria, is there anything you'd like to order from the catalog?"

Daria frowned, her long-ago-installed and long-since-tested Morgendorffer alarm bells silently sounding off. "How about the tear-resistant new identity?" She got up from table to sit at kitchen counter.

Quinn, of course, was as oblivious as ever. "Of course, I'll also need the Gore-Tex twin set for impromptu parties."

Disgustedly, Daria turned the TV on. On it, the SSW Announcer was saying: "Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospital? "Babes in Thailand" tonight on Sick, Sad World." Disgustedly, Daria turned TV off.

Back at the table, Helen was still holding court. "Dad and I would be happy to help you get outfitted for the field trip, too. Wouldn't we, Jake?"

Jake was still looking at the cereal box. "-U-G-A... damn! What the hell is that letter?" Helen's patience ran-out as she grabbed the cereal box out of his hands. "Hey!" Jake protested in vain.

Quinn was chattering away. "Now, I'll need a credit card. Don't worry about the calls, because it's for a field trip, so, technically, we're talking school supplies and "nothing's too good for our girls' education."" She giggled.

Jake's brain finally registered something. "You're going on a trip?" he asked.

Helen immediately grasped the opportunity. "Jake, with Daria and Quinn away overnight, this is the perfect opportunity for us to spend that quality couple's time recommended by our intimacy counsellor."

Jake looked happy. "Great idea!" Suddenly something else registered in his brain. "Who?" he asked Helen

"I've been seeing an intimacy counsellor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship," Helen explained. "It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in."

"All right," Jake easily agreed.

Daria sighed. This has gone too far, 'twas time to remind of her own presence in the kitchen. "I hate to burst this bubble of marital bliss, but since I'm not going on the field trip, you'll have to forego your quality couple's time for the usual inferior couple's time."

Quinn realized that she won't be able to get anything else, so after saying "Okay, Daria's talking so I have to leave now," she got up from table and walked out.

"Bye, Quinn," and Helen approached Daria. "All right, Daria, name your price."

"Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic..."

Helen knew both of her daughters better than either of them thought. "$30."



Daria decided to test her luck further. "Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement."

But when it came to Morgendorffer family money, Helen was the smartest one. "I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away," she merely said, as she left.

Daria sighed in a resigned voice. "$50 should do it."

Meanwhile, Jake was again oblivious. ""King Tut was buried without his diver." What the hell does that mean?!"

'That's "liver," Dad."



Next day dawned. Outside of the school, Helen was saying to her daughters. "All right, girls, your father and I will be at the Big River Cabins just a couple of miles from your campsite if you need anything at all."

"Unless it's money. Bye!" added Jake, as they drove away.

Jane approached Daria, choosing wisely the time period. Her memories of staying-over with Morgendorffers were still quite fresh.

"Thanks for coming," Daria said flatly.

"Hey, that's what friends are for. Now, where's that $50?"

Sighing, Daria handed the money to Jane. "You know, I really should have thought this through better."

Kevin and Brittany walked past, singing off-key. "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too..."

"Yeah, me, too," Jane added, sounding as enthusiastic, as if she was going to the dentist.

Meanwhile, the Fashion Club held its' own court. "Quinn, that scarf is so cute," Stacy said.

"Yeah, so cute," Tiffany echoed.

Sandi, naturally, was far less enthusiastic. "I would have brought my really cute scarf, but I was under the impression we were supposed to take clothes that are functional and fashionable." Sandi lied, of course. Her scarves were either solely functional and those she didn't wear because of fashion, or solely fashionable, which she didn't wear because it any temperature below zero they were pointless.

And Quinn suspected that. "Actually, Sandi, they don't call this a scarf. It's a thermal neck insulator that easily converts into a sling-back heat-dispelling halternative for unseasonably warm weather conditions," she said bubbly, seeming oblivious to other girls' reactions.


"Wow, you think of everything, Quinn."

"And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit," Quinn added.

"But... why would you bite a snake?" Tiffany asked.

Sandi glared. "You don't understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures. Isn't that right, Quinn?"

Quinn laughed nervously, aware that you didn't need to go to the woods for such creatures, just to Griffins' household. "Um, look at this stuff," she suggested instead.

"Oh, my God."

"Oh, wow."

It was then Mr. DeMartino appeared. "Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus."

Saying this inspirational opening line, he climbed onto the bus.

Ms. Barch was loading bags into bus luggage bay. "Hurry up, girls. You don't want to get left behind."

Jane and Daria looked at each other. "You mean it's an option?" Jane asked.

Ms. Barch was oblivious to sarcasm as she closed the luggage bay door. "Oh, sure, being left behind seems like a cute idea to you now, but when it happens to you after 22 years of squandering your good looks and womanly charms, you might not find it so amusing to be abandoned with nothing but eight bags of dirty laundry and a pyramid of "Beers of the World" empties!"

Jane and Daria looked at each other once again. "How does that saying go? "'Tis better to have loved and lost..."" Jane began.

""If you know a good hit man."," Daria finished.

In front of the bus Mr. O'Neill was telling some boys what their responsibilities were. Unfortunately, they were Quinn's three J's. "And finally, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy, you'll be in charge of transporting field supplies. And let's all be respectful of this unspoiled wilderness, okay? Remember, we're in God's high school now." Suddenly, he began to wheeze. "Oh, my, there's a lot of pollen in God's high school." The English teacher chuckled, but it sounded hollow.

Jane turned to Daria. "You don't suppose we could be in for a blizzard of epic proportions?"

Daria shook her head. "That would only happen if we were stranded in the comfort of our favourite pizza place."

Ms. Li overhead them. "Don't you worry, girls. We'll reach base camp long before any inclement weather should arrive."

"Thank you, Principal Donner," Daria said wryly.

Ms. Li went on. "And once I've documented our triumphant ascent with this camera, Lawndale's Wilderness Adventure Club will be a shoo-in for a lucrative sponsorship from Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. "Hanging ten on the edge of the apocalypse..." Ooh!" she cut-off herself, realizing that she said too much to the wrong students.

"But Lawndale doesn't have a Wilderness Adventure Club," Jane pointed-out.

"We do now," Ms. Li firmly said. Then she turned to the English teacher. "Mr. O'Neill, you're artistic. Document these two doing something rugged."

Unfortunately, Mr. O'Neill was not the type of a person you would want to do something responsible or intimidating. "Okay, girls, let's see that primal instinct," he said, mock-growling.

As a result he taped Jane yawning and Daria rubbing her nose.

Back outside, Quinn attempted to haul her bags as the rest of the Fashion Club walked past. "Sandi? Wait up, you guys!"

"I know, Quinn. Why don't you convert one of your mittens into a luggage carrier?" Sandi sneered.

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie quickly approached their crush at that point.

"Want me to get those for you, Quinn?" Jamie asked.

"That is so sweet. Don't fall too far behind!" Quinn said, as she walked away.

The Three J's began fighting over Quinn's bags.

"I got them!"

"Come on, man!"

"Hey, wait, guys!" Joey said. "There are three of Quinn's bags and three of us!"

Instantly, Jamie and Jeffy each grabbed one of Quinn's bags, dropping the supply bags in the process.

"Oh," Joey said, dropped his supply bag and grabbed Quinn's remaining bag.


Surprisingly (mainly to Daria and Jane,) the school bus didn't break down, and soon the students were walking on the mountain trail.

The hi-jinks, started, as usual, with Kevin. "Hey, babe, I got a surprise for you."

"Flowers!" Brittany squealed.

"Oh, you guessed it."

"Oh, Kevvy... that is so romantic." Brittany began to sniff flowers, which released a swarm of bees. Yelling "Ow! Ow!" she ran off.

"Hey, babe... where's my thank-you?" Kevin yelled back

But Brittany ran down the mountain, chased by bees. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Mr. O'Neill decided to turn this into an educative experience, since he couldn't do anything else. "Oh, dear. You see, kids, even the lowly wildflower humbles us with its crafty defences, attracting bees or spewing lung-seizing pollen." He wheezed.

"Are you okay, Mr. O'Neill?" Mack worriedly said.

"Just seasonal allergies. Nothing my trusty inhaler can't cure... although this one appears to be empty," O'Neill wheezed. "That's funny. I could have sworn I packed a backup."

"What's the hold-up here, mountaineers?" Ms. Li asked.

"Mr. O'Neill can't find his inhaler," Mack explained.

"Just... need... rest."

Daria and Jane exchanged looks. "Uh-oh, teacher down."

"Now we'll have to turn back. Darn."

Again, Ms. Li heard them. "No one's turning back. I need those summit celebration shots to really grab those Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. execs by the hacky sacks! Someone will just have to short-rope Mr. O'Neill." She then looked at Barch, who did a slow burn as she remembered...

"As God is my witness, I will never pull a man's weight again!" she said and crushed a vegetable.

Then the paint-ball camp: Barch smooch-attacked O'Neill.

Then the pseudo-medieval fair: Barch dragged O'Neill under the fortune teller's table.

Finally, Ms. Li's great boating fiasco: Barch and O'Neill made-out as the ship slowly sank.

At that point Ms. Barch returned to present and began to drag O'Neill via a rope sling. "Come on, Skinny."


Meanwhile, Jake and Helen entered their cabin, and were clearly underwhelmed.

"This is it? For $95 and change you'd think they'd at least throw in a lousy radio."

"Jake, the whole purpose of this trip is to deepen our relationship without distractions -- no radio, no children, no television, no cell phone... my God, what have I done? What have I done?!" Helen yelled, as the realization hit her.

"Hey, look, Helen. A bearskin rug."

Instantly, something else came over the minds of Helen and Jake Morgendorffer. "Bearskin? Me-ow!"


And at that point let's leave them - they won't be doing anything, just "putting some spice back into their marriage".


Back on the mountain trail, things were disintegrating rapidly. "Money, that's corporate. Sponsorship, that's money," Ms. Li was talking to herself.

"Weren't we supposed to be at the campsite by now?" Daria asked the more sportive and outdoorsy Jane.

"Yeah, but something tells me things aren't going exactly as planned," Jane replied, casting a wary eye at the skies overhead. They were darkening too.

DeMartino joined the group, dragging Barch and O'Neill behind him. "Please, no one offer to help! I'd hate to take any pressure off of my slipped disc!"

"Gee, whatever gave you that idea?" Daria commented wryly.

Ms. Li turned to them. "Don't worry, girls. We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dark, as long as there are no more surprises."

And then the clouds burst, and snow started to fall.

It was one of better moments in the young life of Daria, as she, completely deadpan, said: "Surprise."


Sometime later, Ms. Li was counting her students. "43, 44, 45... okay, we're missing one. Look around: who's not here who should be?"

"Someone with enough common sense to turn back while there was still time?" Daria asked.

"Yeah, where is that guy?" Jane added.

Mr. DeMartino was listening to the science teacher as she grunted. "What's that? Barch here says O'Neill went back to the buses to look for his inhaler..." More whimpers. "...abandoning her after all she's done for him, just like...... every other lousy man she's ever known. "Men! I hate their stinking guts!""

"The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him." Ms Li rushed off.

"Wow, that's kind of heroic."

"He's got her video camera," Daria explained to Jane.

"Oh, yeah."

Kevin decided to lighten the mood. "Hey, check it out: snow angel!" He fell to the ground with a distinct "thud".

Mack winced. "You might want to wait until there's a little more snow on the ground."

Jodie turned to the history teacher. "Mr. DeMartino, considering the low visibility, shouldn't we have a buddy system or something?"

Unfortunately, the history teacher was quite misunderstanding the gravity of the situation. "I had a buddy once, until I came home one night and he married my mother!"

Jane and Daria quickly hurried past.

"Do we want to hear anymore of this story?"

"March, fast!"


Finally, despite (or perhaps because of) DeMartino's story the remainder of the group arrived at the bunkhouse.

Ms. Barch shivered as she lighted a lantern. "DeMartino... out finding firewood. Get supplies unpacked. Remember, teamwork..." She suddenly spotted a student unpacking a sleeping bag. "Is that... sleeping bag? Mine!" She ran over and grabbed the bag.

Jane and Daria entered the bunkhouse, finding the students standing around aimlessly while Barch shivered in the sleeping bag.

"Is it bad if I can't feel my feet?" Jane asked her friend.

"That depends. How much do you enjoy walking?"

Kevin was talking to Brittany, who most decidedly didn't look her best. "Babe, I just want you to know that I'm not mad anymore that you didn't thank me."

"You wanted me to thank you for this?" She pointed at her swollen face.

"Eww! But, no... I meant for the flowers."

Jodie was busy rummaging through bags. "All right, let's get these supply bags open and start distributing blankets, food and..." She pulled out a pair of "...pink ostrich feather earmuffs?"

"Oh, great! I was wondering where those were," Quinn said as she grabbed them.

Mack turned to the Three J's. "Weren't you guys supposed to be carrying the supply bags?"


"So where are they?"

"Back at the buses, maybe?" Jamie said.

"Probably," Joey added.

"Definitely," Jeffy finished.

Students started to converge on Quinn. "What?" she asked.

"Well, this is interesting. We're isolated in a freak storm with no supplies and no way of contacting the outside world."

"Yeah, but look on the bright side: we're going to see a lynching," Jane pointed-out helpfully.

Students advanced further. "What?!!" Quinn continued to yell.


At the cabin, Jake and Helen ran into problems. "Hey, honey, look what I made! A snow turkey!"

"Very... abstract, dear."

The snow turkey chose that moment to melt. "Damn it! Now I have to start all over again." Jake headed for the door.

"Jake, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Oh, yeah, my gloves..." But it was too late: his hand stuck to the doorknob; he had to pry it off with an "Ow!"

"I'm talking about intimacy, Jake. We're supposed to be focusing on each other, not a snow turkey."

"But we did that already, remember?"

Helen was growing exasperated. "I mean talking, conversation, communicating."

"Oh, sure... um, you start."

"Well, um..."

The wind howled, as the cabin sunk into silence.


At the bunkhouse, Sandi was holding court. "Quinn, by causing the supplies to be left behind, you violated the Fashion Club oath."

"I didn't know there was a Fashion Club oath," Quinn protested.

"Yeah, me either," Stacy admitted.

"Oath?" Even Tiffany echoed-in.

"Oh, yes. "To promote a healthy glow by never allowing other members to be deprived of skin-enhancing water reserves." I'm afraid I have to call a vote on your standing, Quinn."

Quinn gasped.

Daria watched this all with amusement. "I say she gets voted out of the Fashion Club and seeks her revenge from a book depository with a crossbow."

"Really? I say she stays in and becomes their leader, unintentionally bringing about the apocalypse." Jane argued.

Sandi was continuing. "And who thinks Quinn should be allowed to stay in the Fashion Club?"

Stacy and Tiffany remained silent. Sandi knew her fellow Club members very well.

"Ooh!" Quinn snapped.

Jane sighed and handed $50 back to Daria. "It's not the money that hurts; it's having that damn apocalypse postponed again."

Meanwhile, DeMartino was conferring with Mack and Kevin. "All right, sport. You and Mack here are going out as search party number one!"

"Cool, a party?"

"This isn't going to be a party, Kevin! You're going out into that driving, blinding, flesh-tearing ice storm to look for Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill. Got it?"

"Uh, sure, but where's the funnel?" It all went over Kevin's head.

Mack had to set him straight - sort-of. "Down the trail, right by the dance floor."

"All right!"

Kevin and Mack left, but Jodie wasn't pacified. "But even if they do find Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill, what are we going to do about food?"

"That's where search party two comes in. I'm going out in the storm myself, looking for help. The rest of you conserve your energy. Do as little as possible. Pretend you're in class!"

Daria, upon hearing this, turned to Jane. "You know, if this storm doesn't let up, it could take days for help to arrive."

"Well, when everybody gets hungry enough, it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first."

"But on the downside, we'll have to wait here with them." Daria really thought this through, Jane had to conceive it.

"Good point. Hey, Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you."

The history teacher glared at them. "As much as I appreciate your kind, if foolhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too dangerous out there. Once you walk out those doors, you may not be coming back.

Daria and Jane cast their gazes over the bunkhouse, and then turned back to DeMartino. "Okay, then we're all on the same page."

"Very well, but dress for survival."

Daria nodded. "Well, I was going to dress for perishing, but okay." She walked over to Quinn. "Hey, Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?"

"Whatever," Quinn said semi-listlessly, as she handed the scarf over to Daria. "I've got my own problems."

"Please stop the sisterly tears of concern. You're making a scene."

Quinn glared. "Look, can you please stop talking to me? If the Fashion Club sees this I'll be like one of those baby birds that gets put back in the nest but the mother knows it's been touched by a human and pecks it to death, understand?"

"Sure. You're a birdbrain," Daria said and walked away.

"Hey, nice scarf," Jane commented.

As they walked out of the door, Daria pointed out how it converts into a noose. "Handy," was all that Jane said.


Once out in the blizzard, Mr. DeMartino turned to the two girls. "Okay, team, no matter what happens, stick by my side. That's crucial, understand?

"Yes," replied Daria and Jane, as Mr. DeMartino screamed, as he walked off a cliff.


Daria turned to Jane. "Okay, quick assessment of our situation: we're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help, we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher."

"When you put it that way you make it sound bad," Jane was still trying to be optimistic.

But Daria knew better that when pessimism became realism, things were bad indeed. "Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field trip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void."

Jane sighed. "With our luck, we'll probably be reincarnated and have to do high school all over again from the beginning."

Daria shivered only partially from cold. "That does it; let's find those buses." She and Jane began to walk.


Back at the bunkhouse, Quinn was busy with her own problems. "Does anyone want to borrow my sunscreen lip gloss? I've got plenty!"

Sandi was firm. "Forget it, Quinn. We're not letting you back in the Fashion Club. We have bylaws, you know."

Stacy started to protest: "We...", but whimpered under Sandi's glare and gave-up.

"But I told you, it's not my fault the supplies got left behind for my bags."

"You didn't have to bring so much stuff, Quinn," Stacy meekly pointed-out

"It's almost like you were trying to hog the spotlight," Tiffany added.

It was all the opening that Quinn needed. "What?! That is so not true. I wanted to share all my Hot-I-Rondack stuff with you guys. Here, Stacy, take this camouflage yak fur canteen. And Tiffany, this metallic utility belt with detachable emergency food kit is for you. And Sandi, I wanted to surprise you with this Titanic edition Chenille Gorp bag."

At that point Jodie approached overhearing Quinn's rant. "Wait a minute, you brought food and water? We're saved!" Then she examined the  canteen and the food belt. "Um, where is the food and water?"

"Well, I was going to bring it along but it just got so bulky"

Jodie just dropped the items and walked away in disgust.

"I'm sorry I've doomed us to a lingering death, Sandi."

Sandi paused, examining her new bag. "Oh, well. Can I have your ostrich feather earmuffs, too?"

Quinn nodded. "Sure."

"Welcome back, Quinn."


Meanwhile, at the cabin, Helen and Jake were clearly lacking for conversation; Jake suddenly started whistling.

"No whistling! We're supposed to be bonding!" Helen snapped.

"Oh, right..." Jake paused, then whistled again.



And then a half-frozen DeMartino bursts in, screaming.

"Mr. DeMartino! What are you doing here?" Helen quickly covered herself.

"Need... phone!" DeMartino gasped.

"I'm sorry, we don't have a phone."

"Or a radio..." Jake added.

"Or a television," Helen finished. "Have a seat."

"Get comfy."

"How about a game of charades?" Helen suggested,

"Need... help!" The history teacher headed towards door, only to be pulled back in by Jake.

"You'll do fine," Jake reassured him. "Everybody knows how to play charades."

"You go first, Mr. DeMartino," Helen added.

"But... I..." Mr. DeMartino protested.

"Uh, uh, uh! No speaking!"

"That's rule number one."

"Is it a book? A TV show?" Helen asked.

"An adult movie?" asked Jake.

Mr. DeMartino just grunted.


Meanwhile, out in the blizzard, the Cynic Pair were walking, and even they were a little awed. "I think this could really be it!" Jane suddenly said.

Daria looked worriedly at Jane, as worriedly as she could. "What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way."

"I don't know, Daria. This is bad."

Daria sighed. "Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend."

"Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother."

There was a pause.

"I feel like we should say more," Daria finally said.

Jane nodded in agreement. "I know. That was kind of pathetic."

Daria tried to continue, but the moment was clearly over. "Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child."

Jane wouldn't let her friend up-do her. "I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's."

There was another pause.

"Better?" Jane asked.

"I've made my peace."


In the meantime, also outside, but near a cave, Mack approached Ms. Li, who was examining a pair of underwear attached to a branch like a flag.

"Ms. Li?"

Ms. Li was less-than-pleased to see her would-be rescuer. "What are you doing here, Mr. Mackenzie? We're miles from the bunkhouse."

"Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you."

"And where is Kevin?"


"Never mind."


"I think Mr. O'Neill may be in this cave. Let's investigate."

"Um, all right, but I hope he didn't make any other flags."

They entered the cave.


Inside the cave, Mr. O'Neill is camped out around a small fire, the video camera set up on a tripod; the camera is recording O'Neill's last words. And they were: "Hello... Timothy O'Neill here. If you are watching these last words, then you'll know that I'm gone and you've found this camera. Well, you already know that you found the camera, obviously, or how would you have the tape? Actually, if you found the camera, you must have found me. Unless you recovered the camera from looters, although I must say, it's a pretty heinous thing to steal from a frozen man. Although, come to think of it, it's not actually all that cold anymore. And the snow got rid of the pollen. You know, I feel pretty good!" Then he heard scuffling sounds. "Ms. Li? Mack?"

"O'Neill, you're wasting expensive videotape!" Ms. Li shouted.

"Oh, dear," the English teacher gulped.

"Now, put these on and let's go!"

Mr. O'Neill chuckled nervously as Li threw his underwear at him.


Outside the cabin Jane was talking with Daria as the blizzard stopped. "So this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip."

Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&M's," Daria added dryly.

"Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?"

Daria knew that Jane knew her all-too-well. "Who?" she asked.

Jane was on a roll. "Now, if my calculations are correct, the parking lot is just around this clump of trees here."

<p>But as Jane and Daria rounded the corner, they saw Helen doing a hornpipe dance while Jake and DeMartino tried to guess what she's doing; obviously, they were playing charades)

""The Good Ship Lollipop!"" Jake yelled. "Yeah, that's it!"

"No, wait! "Popeye the Sailor Man!" Toot, toot!" the history teacher argued.

Wordlessly, Daria handed Jane the $50 bill.

"What's that for?" Jane was honestly surprised.

"Hush money."


Soon, Daria, Jane, (and also Quinn) were going home in Jake's car

"How was the field trip after the snow stopped?" Helen asked. "Did you girls learn anything?"

Quinn immediately began to babble. "I learned that sometimes being too well-dressed can work against you. Who would have thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side? The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit..."

Helen quickly interrupted. "Yes, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?"

"I came to the realization that, given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard 'ho for me."

"Good for you, kiddo!" Jake crowed.

"Jake!" Helen shrieked.

Daria shook her head. "Wow. After all that quality time, you two are working together like a well-oiled intimacy machine."

Jake laughed. "Say, girls, when we get home, who's up for a game of family charades?"


Back on the bus, Brittany was still angry: "I'm not sitting next to Kevin. I don't care how hard he begs." She looked around, realizing something. "Why isn't he begging?"

"Um...", Jodie said, realizing a different thing.

And back outside the bunkhouse, Kevin was nervously laughing. "Uh, Mr. D? Mr. O? Come out, everyone! Um, Q.B. in distress!"