"Road Worrier"

A Screenplay Adaptation

Originally Written by Anne D. Bernstein

Adapted by Brielle Potter


It's an average Friday afternoon, and Daria and Jane had been residing in Jane's room, recovering from school with a Sick Sad World fix. Daria keeps one hand on the remote, waiting for the commercial so she could press mute.

"Can monkeys surf the net, and corrupt our kids? Chimpanzee chat rooms, next on Sick Sad World," the television blared, and Daria dutifully pressed the mute button. She looked over to see what Jane was doing, and found herself face to face with some sort of glue gun.

"Put down your weapon, I surrender," Daria said to her gun wielding friend.

"A little respect for the Stick Model 5000. Finest glue gun on the market," Jane said proudly.

"And I thought you were on your way to a sci-fi convention," Daria quipped. Jane sat down in front of her current project, a lamp base adorned with a conglomeration of knickknacks, and began to glue a small object to its side with her trusty glue gun. Also present was a mannequin's torso, decorated in similar manner that Jane had finished yesterday. She was just waiting it to dry.

"No thanks," Jane replied, "reality is bizarre enough for me." She took her hands off her sculpture and reflected. "Why do I get so much fun out of this?" Jane wondered aloud.

"Past life as a barnacle?" Daria answered, as she reached out to examine a particularly interesting piece secured to the side of Jane's vase, but she was quickly admonished.

"Don't touch! Took hours to build! It's going to be the subject of a painting," Jane reprimanded Daria. she was about to bond another oddity to the piece, but was stopped by an earsplitting, wall shaking reverberation. This unexpected sonic boom caused Jane's precious sculpture to topple over and disintegrate into a pile of junk.

"There goes your genius grant," Daria said, regarding the pile that was the remains of all Jane's hard work.

Jane sighed and shrugged it off. She could make an even better one later. "Yeah, but maybe Trent will share his with me," Jane noted, since Trent's guitar was the most likely cause of that shattered silence.

"That was Trent?" Daria said, a little surprised.

Jane quickly reviewed Daria's previous encounters with Trent with a smirk. It was time for a forced confrontation. Jane stood up, and said, connivingly, "Come on, Daria, let's go complain about the noise."

Daria froze. Trent? Uh oh, Daria remembered the way that Trent turned her brain into oatmeal in the past. Trying to avoid looking like an idiot in front of the guy she appreciated, Daria tried to stop Jane's attempts of humiliation. "I don't find it a problem. I have unusually sturdy eardrums?" Daria said, a futile attempt. Jane half pulled Daria down the hall to the basement.

"I think Trent's band has an opening for a fly girl," Jane said, teasing.

Daria, not finding the comment amusing in anyway, replied, "And I think I have an opening for a new friend." Jane opened the basement door, and the two were flooded by the sound of guitars.

"Isn't that two guitars? I didn't think Trent was that talented," Daria said, a half hearted attempt at humor.

"The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral," Jane informed her friend, as the walked down the steps, into Daria's impending doom.

"Mystik Spiral?" Daria questioned.

"Trent's band," Jane answered.

"Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs," Daria retorted.

"They wish!" Jane said with a laugh. The two approached Trent and Jesse, in the middle of a song, which Trent sang and Jesse accented with a well placed toss of his long, brown hair.

"You're and angel in black, and you sure have the knack, for putting my heart on the shelf in the back. I'm waiting my turn, oh, when will I learn? My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn! Yeah..." Trent sang, his eyes closed. Daria stood inanimate and soaked every last inch of him in. The two continued to play until Jane interrupted them.

"Yo! Trent! You wanna turn it down a bit?" Jane yelled. They stopped playing and Trent looked at Jane disbelievingly.

"Are you kidding?" He said, and then saw Daria. "Hey, Daria," Trent greeted her with a lopsided smile.

Daria was a deer in headlights, her mind whirling. Can't speak... Must speak... she thought. Finally, she pushed something out of her mouth.


Trent continued, "What do you think of the song?" Daria's mind immediately produced a witticism, It has a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame , but something told her to keep her comment to herself.

"Ummm," Daria stalled, "cool." Dammit, she thought. I'm sure he's impressed with my articulation.

"It's called 'Icebox Woman'," Trent said, oblivious to Daria's distressed state.

"You guys oughta come out to the next Mystik Spiral gig. We'll put you on the list," Jesse suggested. He thought the two would enjoy it, and they needed all the audience members they could get a hold of.

"Daria thinks the name of Mystik Spiral sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs, don't you, Daria?" Jane said, putting her friend on the spot.

Daria was shocked, and quickly tried to make amends. "That's not exactly what I..." she began, but Trent cut her off.

"Hmm... Maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled 'Mystik' with two y's?" Trent asked. He always thought that the name of their band wasn't quite right, and had been tossing the idea around in his head for quite some time now, but no one else had noticed it until then.

And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A and be crowned Miss America, Daria thought, sarcastically, but fought back the impulse to spit it out. "It might," Daria said, weakly.

"We doing a show this weekend?" Jesse asked Trent.

"Nope. We're going to Alternapalooza this weekend," Trent said with a smile as he made a minor tuning adjustment too his guitar.. He'd been looking forward to this trip for awhile now.

Jane's ears perked up. "You're going to Alternapalooza?" Jane said, momentarily amazed that he hadn't mentioned it to her, but she quickly remembered that Trent had spent much of the recent past, well, much of his whole life, sleeping during the day. But she'd heard about Alternapalooza, and kind of wanted to see it herself.

"Yeah, it's way out in Swedesville," Jesse commented.

Jane thought about that and then half teased, "You think your car will make it?"

"We're borrowing our drummer's van. The Tank. It's indestructible," Jesse said.

"But, you know Jesse, it eats gas. I don't know what we're gonna do about gas money," Trent said, subtly hinting to Jane.

Jane picked up on this hint, and said, "I could probably scrounge some up, if you let us come along." Jane smiled schemingly at Daria. "We'd enjoy that, right Daria?"

Pass me a guitar string so I might silence my friend, Daria thought, but still trying to keep a cool facade in front of Trent, kept it inside. Her mind was brimming with the possibilities that could arise from this situation, and these possibilities overrode her anxieties. Nevertheless, all she could muster up vocally was a feeble, "Uh-huh."

"Okay, cool. We're there. If you can stand being cooped up in the van with me and Jesse for four hours," Trent warned Jane and Daria. Of course, Daria knew she could.


Meanwhile, in the Junior department at Cashman's, the Fashion Club was perusing the racks of clothing. Sandi stood near a large mirror with a pair of pants. "Friends don't let short waisted friends wear hip-huggers," Sandi said to her fellow members. But if Quinn was the short waisted one... Sandi thought, but pushed the notion away, and refocused her attention at the task at hand: finding an 'alternative' outfit for todays outing.

Stacey held up a little spring green dress and fiddled with the large security device. "I hate these big plastic things, they're so ugly!" Stacey said.

Quinn looked away from the rack she'd been examining and said, "If I were going to shop lift, I wouldn't take that cheap thing."

Sandi, seeing a chance to dominate Quinn, piped up, "Quinn, cheap is in this season." Sandi followed up this comment with a look that plainly said didn't-you-know-that-you-idiot?

Quinn, not even considering standing up for herself, quickly covered up her involuntary blunder, "Oh, then get it, definitely!"

Tiffany poked through a rack of shirts and asked, "Why are we going to Alternapalooza? Isn't it for girls who don't shave their legs?"

"As members of the Fashion Club, we have to keep up with the latest trends in clothes and music," Sandi replied.

"And show everyone that popular kids can be just as alternative as geeks!" Quinn added.

Tiffany held up a blue green collared shirt. "Is this alternative?" she asked Sandi.

"If you tuck the top in, no. If you let it hang out, yes," Sandi said, knowingly.

Quinn inquired, with a touch of disgust, "Do I have to wear clunky shoes?"

"Quinn, if you wear big shoes, the rest of you looks even cuter by comparison," Sandi said.

"Oh! I get it," Quinn said, then joked, "Maybe I'll shave my head!" The club broke out in laughter. Still joking, Quinn pointed at a sign and said, "Look! Temporary tattoos! Woohoo!" But, much to her surprise, Sandi gave the club a nod of affirmation, and they descended upon the selections of barely alternative temporary tattoos.


Jake, Quinn, Helen and Daria are seated around the kitchen table, enjoying an evening meal of lasagna. Helen notices that Quinn is sporting a small heart on her right shoulder. She's a little concerned, and hopes it's not real. "Quinn, what on earth is that!" She says, pointing to Quinn's arm.

"Don't worry, Mom," Quinn consoled, "It's fake." Quinn looked at her tattoo and smiled.

Daria, after keeping all of her witty remarks inside in front of Trent, jumps at the chance to make a comment. "Awww, you got a tattoo to match your personality." But as usual, it flies right over Quinn's head.

"I'm going to Alternapalooza. This is so I'll fit in!" Quinn said, gesturing towards her tattoo.

"And if some guy names Pigpen asks you to be his old lady, hell, you'll be ready," Daria quipped. Again, soaring above Quinn's skull.

"I'm also thinking of having my belly button pierced at the mall...." Quinn trailed off, setting her father up beautifully, she thought.

As expected, Jake went off the handle. "What?!? No daughter of mine is going to mutilate her body for the sake of some fad!"

Quinn, finishing the plot, said "Then can I have $29.99 for a removable nose ring?"

"Good idea. You don't want any more holes in your head," Daria said.

Finally, Helen noticed Daria's barbs and began to chastise her, but Quinn interrupted, "Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the 60's?"

Helen, forgetting about Daria, replied, "Oh sure, I did my fair share of partying..." Helen gave a little smile, remembering specific parties.

"You mean you experimented with..." Daria began.

"No!" Helen interrupted. "But your father went to one of the most famous festivals in the decade," she said changing the subject.

"Woodstock?" Quinn guessed.

"Altamont..." Jake said, reminiscing. "Terrible, terrible tragedy. But I demanded my money back, and I got it!"

"Wasn't Altamont free?" Daria countered.

"That's the same line they tried on me..." Jake said, a little resentful.


The next morning, after breakfast and her morning newspaper, Daria entered her room and tried to decide what to wear. She had no idea when Jane was gonna be over to get her, but she'd like to be ready. It wasn't that hard, for once Daria opened her closet, she realized her apparent lack of options. She chose the only other outfit there: a pair of loose fitting blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt. Oh well. It may not impress him, but at least it's different. She unzipped her jacket and pulled it off, along with her t-shirt, and slipped out of her skirt and boots. She stepped into her jeans and zipped the fly. Then, she pulled the t-shirt over her head and slipped back into her boots. She walked into the bathroom, ran a brush through her hair and examined her reflection. Hmmm... she thought maybe a little lipstick would be called for. She walked over to Quinn's room to 'borrow' some, but Quinn was already there, admiring herself in the mirror. She was wearing her new outfit. It was a brown fringed leather outfit, embellished with smiley faces and flowers.

"Where'd you get that eye-popping polyester number?" Daria asked from the doorway.

Taking it as a compliment, Quinn said, "Daria, it's all about knowing where to shop!" Quinn turned around to look at Daria. "Wow! You look almost normal." she observed, and turned back to her mirror.

"I'm going to Alternapalooza," Daria said, deadpan. Quinn spun around and shrieked. "Don't panic," Daria said, "I'm sure we can loose each other in a crowd of 10,000,"

The simple logic sunk through for Quinn. "I guess," she replied. Then, second glancing Daria's outfit, said, "You're not going to Alternapalooza with that top tucked in, are you?" Daria looked down, but didn't see anything wrong with it. Quinn then exited the room and walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Daria took the opportunity to step into Quinn's room. She walked over to her vanity, and looked at the plethora of lipsticks present there. She chose one called, " Sugar Plum Fairy", cringed at the name, but opened it up anyway. Looking closely at the mirror, she applied an even coat to her lips. Even though she'd never worn any before, she did a remarkably good job. Her lips were now a pinkish violet color, and she blotted them with a tissue. She regretted her choice for a moment, but sighed and walked over to Quinn's full length mirror anyway. She looked at herself, almost pleased, and untucked her top.


"Have fun at the concert, dear," Helen said to Daria as she was about to leave the house.

Daria, not used to her parents expressing any attention to her, replied, "Umm, thanks."

"Hey, stay away from the brown acid... "Jake warned Daria.

"Jake!" Helen shrieked, alarmed that Jake would even mention drugs in front of the girls.

Jake, noticing his wrong step, said, "Remember, Daria, just say no. Here's a twenty," handing her the bill, "for souvenirs or what have you. I gave one to Quinn too! Get yourself something rad." Jake smiled, feeling rather proud of himself for sounding so young, unaware that he sounded more like a fool than a teenager.

"Thanks," Daria said, accepting the money with no intention on spending it at Alternapalooza. "Umm, what are you guys going to do today?" Daria asked, a little curious.

"Pay the bills," Helen said, a little dreamily. As soon as she said that, Daria knew that she didn't want to know.

"Wash the car," Jake said, smiling at Helen.

"Wow. Well, be sure to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated. Bye," Daria said, as she opened the door and walked out to the curb with Jane, who had just walked over. There they would wait for Trent and Jesse to pick up the van and pick up them.

"Hey," Jane said as she gave Daria's new outfit a once-over. She noticed the lipstick and couldn't help but comment. "Ooh la la! Is that lipstick?" Jane said with a corny French accent.

Daria quickly put a hand over her mouth and lied through clenched teeth, "I just had a lollipop."

"Sure ya did, kid," Jane teased. "Perhaps we could be trying to impress someone special?" Daria shot her a look that could kill along with a deadpan, "Shut up," and Jane took the hint. The Tank pulled up in front of Daria's house.

"Sorry, there are only two seats up here, but there's plenty of room in the back," Trent said optimistically from the driver's seat.

Jane, not able to help herself, suggested, "Daria, why don't you sit in the front with Trent?" as the two walked over to the other side of the van. Jesse pulled open the sliding door and waited for the girls to enter.

Daria glared at Jane and said, "Oh, I'd much rather be in back with you, Jane," and then, under her breath," easier to get to your neck."

"Girl talk, huh?" Jesse commented.

"You know Daria, she's a regular chatterbox!" Jane said, sarcastically as she climbs into the back and seats herself on a large black chest. After Jane got in, Daria quickly used the window as a mirror and wiped off the lipstick. Daria then followed Jane's lead, but miscalculates the height of the ceiling and consequently bangs her head on it.

"Ow!" Daria exclaimed.

"Watch your head," Trent said, a little late.

"Thanks," Daria said, trying to hide her sarcasm. Trent sped off down the road, and Daria couldn't help but wonder if the bump on her head was only a fraction of the hell that was to come that day.


At the Morgendorffer residence, Quinn is eagerly awaiting her ride. Unfortunately, she can't remember which guy she allowed to escort her to Alternapalooza, but she's betting on the three J's.

She was right. Joey, Jeffy and Jamie had just arrived, Sandi had given them a ride, and were walking up to the door at that moment. Also waiting was Kevin's carload of people, including Jodie, Brittany and Mack.

"Do you know the problem with alternative bands?" Joey asked his two comrades as they walked up the sidewalk towards la Casa de Morgendorffers.

"They're a bunch of cry-babies who suck at sports?" Jeffy speculated. Jamie and Joey agreed. The three were the complete opposite of that, they all thought: they were strong men who were on the football team!

"Do you think the chicks at this thing will be pierced?" Jamie questioned.

"Piercing is so stupid," Joey said, going along with Jamie.

"It's bad enough when they have braces!" Jeffy reflected, remembering a particularly hairy make out session in the 8th grade. But that was before Quinn came along. Joey rang the doorbell, and they were greeted by Quinn, and her nose ring. Forgetting all previous comments on the topic, they began to fawn all over her new accessory.

"Cool nose ring, Quinn!" Jamie complimented.

"You look really alternative," commented Jeffy.

"I never realized your nose was so..." Jeffy began, then found the word he was searching for, "hot!"

Quinn answered in her trademark perky voice, "Thanks!"


Back in the Tank, Jane and Daria were bored in the backseat. Daria was nursing her wound, and Jane was, well, being Jane.

"Yo, I'm Dolores. I'm doing ten to fifteen for armed robbery. Whadda you in for?" Jane asked in a phony New York accent.

"My head hurts," Daria replied, rubbing the sizable lump on her forehead.

Staying in character, Jane continued, "The cop's did that to you, didn't they? Bastards." Daria rolled her eyes, and the Tank slowly came to a stop at a toll booth.

"Hey, Jane," Trent said, "got any change?" as he reached his hand into the back cargo area.

"Hey, Trent," Jane countered, "got any shame? I already gave you all my cash." Jesse found some quarters in the car seat and handed them to Trent. Trent paid the toll booth operator and sped off.

"Oh, man, that was Curtis Stalato!" Jesse said, referring to the booth operator.

"Who?" Jane asked, a little confused.

"He graduated with us, and now he's working in a toll booth. Wow," Trent commented.

"You'll never catch me in a job like that," Jesse said.

Because it falls under the category of employment? Daria thought, but again suppressed the witty comment. She had to be content to just smirk. They might take a crack personally, and Daria didn't want to hurt them. One of them in particular.

"Hey, man," Trent said to Jesse, "we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years!"

Still living over your parents' garage? Daria again thought, and again smirked. This time, Jane noticed Daria's silence, and silly grin.

"Say it, Daria, whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours!" Jane whispered to her mute friend, but Daria's lips remained sealed.

"We've got a vision," Jesse continued.

"Eyes on the prize, man, eyes on the prize," Trent said. Jane was about to be sick. She'd listened to this for the last five years, and the one person who could stop it, wasn't in the mood to ruin her love interest's little daydream.

"Yeah, man, and this band's not about selling out," Jesse commented.

"No way," confirmed Trent.

Jane had to jump in and stop their hopeless dreaming, "Cuz for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying!" Jane was greeted with glares all around. "What?" Jane asked, "Someone had to pick up the slack!"

The Tank was silent for a few minutes, until Trent read a loud a billboard for the small town they had just entered: Pickfare Commons. "If you lived here, you'd be home by now."

"And bored out of your mind," Daria said unconsciously. She realized that she let one slip and immediately gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth, but to her surprise, everyone, including Trent began to laugh. Actually, Trent's laugh soon turned into a hacking cough, but when he got it under control, he said, "Good one, Daria."

Daria glowed, and was basking in the moment, but the van suddenly swerved. Daria's stomach lurched, and she immediately wished that she hadn't had the second pop tart that morning. The van continued to make some sharp turns, and Daria was feeling rather light headed. "Can somebody open a window, please?" Daria asked, for fear that she might be sick.

"Wish I could," Trent answered, "But all the handles are missing." The van was riding steadily again, and Daria's breakfast was slowly migrating back into her stomach. But just as soon as she was feeling comfortable again, they went over a colossal bump that sent Jane and Daria flying. "Wow!" Trent commented, "Didn't see that one coming."

Jane, a little perturbed, replied, "Let us know if you do see one coming, okay?"

Jesse's nose twitched. "Does anybody else smell peanut butter?" His stomach began to growl, and he remembered how he and Trent had practiced through breakfast.

At Jesse's comment, Daria suddenly felt something squishy under her butt. She stood up as much as she could in the cramped quarters, and turned her rear end toward Jane. "What am I sitting on ?" Daria asked, not wanting to know in the least. She felt Jane peel something off her ass and she sat back down on the crate. She saw what Jane was holding up.

"Looks like a sandwich," Jane commented. "And it's an antique! Daria put her head in her hands and sighed.


Meanwhile, Kevin is driving Brittany, Mack and Jodie to Alternapalooza in his red jeep. Kevin was trying his hardest to concentrate on the road, but Brittany was talking on his car phone, and thoroughly distracting him.

"I can't believe it! Gordon and Victoria? She's six inches taller than him! What is he thinking?" Brittany squeaked into the phone, and gave an emphasizing gesture that hits Kevin and causes him to swerve over the double lines. Kevin's brain went into panic mode; driving is very stressful for him! But he soon took control of the vehicle and started breathing deeply to calm himself. He wondered what he could do to get Brittany off the phone that wouldn't lead to a head on collision...


Back in the Tank, stomachs are growling all around.

"That peanut-butter is making me hungry," Jesse said. This comment made Daria want to through herself out the car window even more, except for the fact that the windows wouldn't open. Daria was wallowing in her embarrassment, when a large bee materialized.

Jane, being bored out of her mind, jumped at the chance of something to do. "Killer bee alert!" Jane exclaimed, and thinking of a way to kill the bee with her glue gun.

"Great," Daria said sardonically. Just what she needed: a giant stinging insect.

Jane, after deciding that her glue gun was useless, thought of something else. "Jesse, will you hand me that map?" Jane asked. Jesse complied, and Jane rolled it into a tube of sorts. Jane immediately began swinging at the insect, irking it even more than in was, and causing Daria to want to duck for cover.

"Come here you stupid..." Jane said as she swung aimlessly at the offending arthropod. It finally took solace on Daria's shoulder. "Hold still, Daria," Jane commanded as she took careful aim, "You're mine, sting boy..." Jane said as she swung, hitting Daria squarely on the shoulder. Daria jumped and cried out with pain, half from the whap she had received from Jane, and half from insect itself. Trent and Jesse winced at the sound of the blow.

"Ow! He stung me," Daria complained, lifting her sleeve to reveal the reddish, swollen lump.

Jane felt a little guilty for smacking her. "He'll never do it again," Jane said, an attempt at comforting her friend.

Daria felt her cheeks reddening, and wondered what Trent thought about her building collection of mishaps. "Why didn't I just stay home where it's nice and quiet and nothing ever happens?" Daria speculated, sorrowfully.


Meanwhile, there was something going on at home, and Daria sure as hell didn't want to know what. Jake and Helen were having a fine time themselves, perhaps reminiscing about their pasts.

"Stop it, Jake!" Helen half scolded, but knew she loved it.

"Come here, Foxy lady......" Jake growled, and began to chase after his wife....


Back at the Tank, the fantastic four had just pulled up at Mom's Diner for a meal. Jesse and Trent had already gotten out, and opened the door for Jane and Daria. They climbed out and the guys walked into the diner.

"I hate to tell you this," Jane said to Daria, "but there's a big greasy spot of peanut-buttery goodness on your butt." Daria rolled her eyes at the inevitable.

"Of course there is," she said, defeated, and they walked into the diner and sat down in a booth with Trent and Jesse. They quickly told their orders to the saucy waitress.

"Okay, that's a meatloaf, chicken with fries, a box of frosted flakes," the waitress recapped. "Those boxes are pretty small, hon, " she said to Jesse, "just one?" Jesse thought a moment. He was pretty hungry.

"You're right," he said. "Make it five."

"And you?" the waitress asked Daria.

"Dry toast and tea, please, " Daria said, knowing that it was the only thing her stomach could handle at that point.

" I thought you looked depressed," the waitress commented. "You want a booster seat?" she asked, laughing at her pitiful joke. "Five boxes of flakes, and one nausea delight," the waitress yelled to the cooks in the back room. "You kids going to the rock 'n' roll shindig out there in Swedesville?" she asked as she jotted down their tab.

Not in the mood to hold in anything Daria said, "No, we made a wrong turn on our way to Paris." Everyone chuckled at her remark.

"You've got a mouth on you, don't you?" the waitress observed.

"Why?" Daria wondered.

"Ever think of becoming a waitress?" she replied.


The Fashion Club and the three J's were high on their way to Swedesville, with Sandi driving her new convertible. Who cares if she only had her permit? If you've got a car like hers, you have to drive it. Stacey and Tiffany were squashed in the front, and Quinn as content to flirt with all three members of her fan club in the backseat. They were driving alongside of Kevin and crew; hopefully one of the parties knew the way. They were happily listening to the radio and chatting when suddenly Quinn smelled something. "What is that?" Quinn asked, scrunching up her cute little nose.

"Eew! A skunk!" Stacey said, disgusted. Sandi promptly put the roof up.


Daria and Jane were taking a bathroom break at Mom's. Daria looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. "Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets?" Daria asked morosely.

"Well you're not your usual sunny self," Jane commented as she examined her lipstick in the mirror.

"I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass..." Daria began.

"And all in front of Trent," Jane said, looking over at her friend. Daria sighed, there was no use denying it now.

"Now turn the knife counterclockwise," Daria said. "I can't go back out there. you go on to Alternapalooza, and tomorrow I'll emerge and begin my new life. As a waitress."

"Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother, it's that he's oblivious. There's no need to be embarrassed!" Jane comforted.

"Okay," Daria said, sighing and realizing that Jane probably knew more about Trent than she did

"Now, what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt?" Jane asked, jokingly. Daria glared. "I'm kidding!" Jane said. "It looks... alternative!"




Later, in the Tank, the crew is stuck in a major traffic jam. Silence overwhelms the van, as they remain in a fixed position.

"This is like that REM video," Trent speculated, "except you can't read anyone's mind."

THANK GOD Daria thought. Soon, the traffic jam got noisy. Horns were honking, and talking was difficult if not impossible. Then, right on time, a familiar feeling overtook Daria.

"I shouldn't have had that tea," Daria said to Jane.

"What?" Jane yelled over the din, "You have to go? There are some trees over there!"

Trent heard Jane yelling, and shouted, "What's the matter, Daria? You gotta whiz?" Daria sank farther and farther into a personal hell.

Jesse was curious as to what was up. "What's wrong!" he yelled to Trent.

"It's Daria!" Trent shouted back. "She has to pee!"

"You have to pee, Daria?" Jesse exclaimed, "You can pee behind those trees. See those trees? you can pee behind there!"

Daria opened the sliding door slowly and began to climb out. "If I'm not back in ten minutes, don't send help," she said, giving up all hope of retaining any dignity after this trip. She walked into the small clump of trees and sighed.

In the tank, everyone waited for Daria to finish. The traffic wasn't going anywhere, so they didn't worry about leaving her there, but Jane was kind of concerned about her.

"I knew I should have taken ballet," Daria said from the trees. Jane couldn't help but smile at that.

"Stop staring at me, you squirrel pervert!" she yelled from the brush. Soon, she emerged from the secluded area, and was trying to save a little face when she tripped over a small rock and landed flat on her face. She thought about not even bothering to get back up, but she gathered up a little strength and got back into the Tank, ready for any teasing they might through her way.

"You cool, Daria?" Trent asked.

"I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille," Daria said, folding her arms over her chest, prepared for anything.

"I think the traffic's letting up," Trent said, as the Tank started to move again.

Daria was a bit puzzled. "They're not going to make fun of me?" she asked Jane.

"For peeing in the woods?" Jane said, doubtingly. "They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on each other on a regular basis!"

"That reminds me, you owe me a shirt," Jesse said to Trent. Daria heaved a small sigh of relief, and tried to gather courage to finish out the day.


The Fashion fiends, the Official Quinn Fan Club, and the rest of the bunch have just arrived at Mom's Diner. Kevin, Brittany, Jodie and Mack are quickly seated while the rest wait for a table. They stand in a cluster, waiting to be seated.

"Ugh," Tiffany said, "stretch pants, everywhere you look, stretch pants!" The entire fashion club begins to agree, until Stacey begins to have an break down.

"Hey, these are stretch pants!" Stacey said, commenting on her current attire. "I'm wearing stretch pants!!!!" Stacey squeaked, and began to hyperventilate. Sandi quickly took control of the situation.

"They're leggings, they're leggings!" Sandi said, grasping Stacey firmly on both shoulders to stop her spasming. Soon her breathing returned to normal, and she calmed down.

The same waitress that served Daria and friends came over to escort the bunch to a table. But, on a single glance, she was able to place their orders for them. "Three cheeseburger deluxes, four house salads. With oil and vinegar on the side!" the waitress called to the kitchen.

Over at the other table, Jodie, Mack, Kevin and Brittany were eating. Actually, Brittany had stopped eating, for just moments ago, Mack had made a comment about the bathroom facilities at Alternapalooza.

"What do you mean they don't have bathrooms at this thing? Is this your idea of a joke?" Brittany squeaked.

"But babe..." Kevin said, trying to console her.

"Brittany, how can you be so naive?" Jodie said, a tone of disgust in her voice. "It's strictly portable toilets!"

"No way!" Brittany squealed. "That's disgusting. Next thing you'll be telling me I have to sit on the ground!" Jodie and Mack both wonder why on earth they hang out with those two.


Back in the Tank, the gang is playing the picnic game to beat the boredom.

"Your turn, Trent." Jane said. "We're up to D."

"I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney," Trent recited. "And a dromedary

"I'm going on a picnic, " Daria began, " and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a dromedary, and a eurocentric view of world history."

Jane then continues, "I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing...." but is interrupted when the van hits another bump, and she and Daria go flying again.

"My glasses!" Daria cries, as she watched her glasses soar through The Tank.

"Sorry!" Trent apologizes. "Hey, Janey, I saw that one coming!" Daria continues her blind search for her glasses, but Jesse has found them first. The damage has been done, for they have split right down the nose bridge.

"Don't worry, " Jesse comforts Daria. " I can fix them."

Seeing a possibility to help, Jane picks up her favorite art tool and asks, "Need the glue gun?", and points it towards Daria.

Daria, alarmed to see that the gun made it into the Tank without her knowing it, quickly pushed it away and said with a glare, "Keep that thing away from me. You'll miss and glue my eyelids shut!"

"There should be some tape in the back," Jesse says, and Jane locates it and hands it to him. He wraps a piece around the bridge and hands them back to Daria, who places them on her face.

"Duct tape, great," Daria says monotonously.

"It's fine," Jane said to a distressed Daria. "It looks alternative." Just when peace was beginning to settle in, the Tank starts producing strange noises, forcing Trent to pull over.

"Now my day's complete." Daria said, as she overlooked the day's events: bumped my head, sat on a sandwich, got stung by a bee, peed in the woods, and fell flat on my face, this day's gonna have to make a total 180 for me to be able to face the world tomorrow... Everyone got out of the van, a Trent popped the hood to see what was wrong. Just then, Daria spotted Sandi's yellow convertible and Kevin's jeep driving past them.


"Wasn't that your cousin back there?" Stacey asked Quinn. She'd just spotted the stranded van, and wished she could've stopped to help them out.

Quinn, on the other hand, was staring intently at the mirror in her foundation compact, trying to decide if the small bump on the side of her left cheek was going to be a zit in the near future. "What?" said Quinn halfheartedly.

Stacey was still feeling bad for Quinn's cousin, but soon her attention was turned elsewhere; she had smelled something. She was about to say something, but Sandi interrupted her.

"What's that smell?" Sandi questioned.

"Ugh! Fertiziler!" Stacey exclaimed, putting her mind back on automatic as Sandi pushed the button that put the roof back over their heads.


Stranded at the side of the road, none of the passengers really knew what to do. Trent had given up poking around under the hood, he didn't really know what he was looking for anyway.

"What do we do now?" Jesse asked.

Jane did some quick thinking and blurted out, "There's a noise wall up ahead, there must be houses behind there. Daria, you stay here with Trent, Jesse and I will find a phone and call for help. Great plan, huh Daria?" Jane said, nudging her discomfited friend. And I thought it couldn't get any worse. Daria thought.


Back on the road, the Fashion Club car is puttering along towards Alternapalooza, when Quinn suddenly sees an interesting sign on the side of the road.

"Outlet shopping!" Quinn squealed with delight.

"Change of plans!" Sandi said as she switched lanes. Objections were heard from Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, but they were spoken to the deaf ears of the fashion club, who were already psyched up to shop. "Stacey, tell the other car that we're going shopping, please. We wouldn't want to leave them out of the fun." Stacey stood up and leaned out the side of the car and looked behind her, toward Kevin's car which was driving steadily behind them. She used her index finger to trace a triangle in the sky: an international symbol.

In the other car, the group has taken notice of Stacey. "What is that?" Mack speculated. "A pyramid?"

"A mountain," guessed Jodie.

"A square!" Kevin said, with utmost confidence that he was right. While Jodie and Mack tried to figure out how many times Kevin had been dropped on his head as a baby, Brittany had a revelation.

"A clothes hanger!" she exclaimed. "Outlet shopping!" and promptly pulled the steering wheel towards herself, dismaying Kevin and following Sandi's car onto the turn off.


Here I am. Alone. With this guy i , uh, appreciate, and I'm sitting here like an idiot. Daria thought as she sat next to Trent on the grass. He had gotten his acoustic guitar out of the tank and was strumming a chord, and humming along, occasionally turning a little handle to fine tune it.

"What chord is that?" Daria asked, trying to strike up a conversation.

"G," Trent replied, immediately looking back at his guitar.

"Oh," Daria said, pretending to be amazed. Damn Daria thought. Okay, let's try something else "Ummm, nice tattoo. Tribal?" Daria asked, indicating the designs etched into his upper arms.

"Mayori," Trent informed her. "I copied in out of Tattoo World''s international issue."

"Very graphic, and, uh, meaningful," Daria said, trying to make it sound heartfelt, but failing miserably.

"Yeah, it makes a statement," Trent said. "You know what it is?"

I got a tattoo out of a magazine? Daria thought. She was in the midst of thinking of an intelligent guess, when she was interrupted.

"I got a tattoo out of a magazine," Trent said with his unique smile.

The two chuckled a little at that, and Daria noted, "I guess it's better that copying one off the TV." Trent's expression suddenly turned serious. Uh oh thought Daria.

"Daria, do you ever feel like you're wasting your life?" Trent asked sincerely.

"Uh, only when I'm awake?" Daria said, half asking, half answering.

"Like, no money, no job, you're 21, live with your parents and you still can't play an open D tuning," Trent said, pondering his life deeply.

"Well, I haven't had those exact thoughts," Daria said, unsure how she was going to handle the rest of this conversation.

"Maybe I will end up a townie doing Doors covers. I mean, who's to say, right?" Trent ruminated.

"Ummm, you know, Trent," Daria started, "it takes a lot of guts to go after a dream, especially when you know failure means spending the rest of your life playing LA Woman. In public."

"Hmmm, I guess," Trent said, thinking about her statement.

"And even if it doesn't work out, at least for now you're doing exactly what you want to," Daria continued.

"Yeah, that's true," Trent said, brightening a little.

"A lot of people don't even get that far," Daria said, and looked over at Trent for a reaction.

"I guess I'm not doing that bad, "Trent concluded. "You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school."

"I find the situation pretty unbelievable myself," Daria said with a smile.

"You're pretty cool," Trent said, giving Daria a little grin.

"Thanks," Daria said, and smiled to herself.

"Yo," An intruding voice said. Daria looked up and saw that Jane and Jesse had returned. The noise wall wasn't that far away, yet it took them about a half an hour to check it out. That made Daria wonder, but Jane's lipstick was still intact, so she dropped the subject.

"So?" Trent asked, standing up.

"There was nothing behind that wall but a cornfield, and the corn wasn't very helpful," Jane said.

"Helpful Corn! That's a cool name for the band!" Jesse said, hopefully.

"Even better than Mystik Spiral, huh, Daria?" Trent asked with a wink and a lopsided smile, making Daria glow inside and out; she smiled shyly at him.

"Why don't we give another look under the hood, "Jane said.

"Well, it's better than sitting here until the van fixes itself," Jesse said, walking over to the van. Jane hopped into the front seat and popped the hood, and all gathered around.


An hour and a half later, Daria finally spotted something disconnected. About two seconds after that, Jane had her glue gun in hand. After making a quick dab with it, Jane stood back to admire her handiwork. "I knew this thing would come in handy!" Jane said, smirking at Daria.

"Stop pointing that thing at me!" Daria yelped, pushing the Stick Model 5000 away from her body.

"Let's go, we can still catch some of the show," Jesse said, ushering everyone into the van. But, before anyone could enter, an abundance of people and cars appeared from the other direction.

"Uh, maybe not," said Jane.

"Why's everyone going the wrong way?" Trent asked three guys who had just walked up to them. The two guys on the outside were supporting a *slightly* stoned guy in between them.

"The concert's over man," said the guy on the left.

"It was amazing," slurred the stoned guy. "Where am I?"

"Is he alright?" Jesse asked the two supporters.

"He's cool," assured the guy on the right, "just a little sleepy." Just then, the stoned guy leaned toward Daria.

"Are you my mommy?" he stammered, smiling up at her. Daria looked away, as politely as possible.


Hours later, the group got back on the road. Jane and Jesse were asleep on the trunk in the back, leaning semi-affectionatly on each other. Trent was still driving, and Daria was in the passenger seat. Well, the day wasn't a total loss Daria thought, looking over at Trent. She thought it would be smart to check on him every few minutes, just to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep. She looked back out her window, scratched her itchy bee sting, and smiled to herself. Trent couldn't help but sneak a peek at Daria, just to see if she was alright...


By the time Quinn and Daria returned home, it was morning. Both Daria and Quinn had slept most of the way home in their respective vehicles, and finally walked in the door at about 7:30 Sunday morning. They entered the house to find Helen seductively making pancakes, while Jake watched amorously.

"I should really make pancakes more often," Helen said to her admiring husband. "The batter is so... sensual."

"Like batter like chef!" Jake said, smiling coyly. Just then, Daria and Quinn arrived on the scene.

"Hi, girls!" Helen greeted. Quinn and Daria stopped in their tracks.

"How was the festival?" Jake asked. But by the time he looked to them for a reply, they were gone.


By Brielle Potter


My apologies to all the people who write Daria for butchering their excellent scripts. And please don't sue me. I'm not making any money off of this, I'm lucky if anyone actually reads this. Thanks! -Brielle P.