If my work does just as good, I may carry on with the first 3 prequels in the Star Wars tradition. As before, MTV and Star Wars stand as the trademarks of MTV and LucasFilm Ltd. respectively. So let's begin:
A long time ago.......
In a fictional town far, far away......
THE RETURN OF THE CYNICS
Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer just came
back to her home planet of Tattoo You to
save her fashionable friend Han Sandi
Griffin from the notorious perverted
gangster, Upchuck The Hutt, who thinks
all women were born to be.......rrrrrrrr, fiesty.
Little does Daria know that The Barksdale
Empire is building a new improved Def Starr,
which promises to be larger and stronger and
with more subwoofer wattage than the first
dreaded Def Starr.
When completed, the new Def Starr will spell
doom as well as deafness and tinnitus for the
small group of Lawndale Rebels trying to save
the galaxy for freedom and for the honour of
Space, the final frontier, and no, it's NOT what you think. Suffice to say, on the fringe of the galaxy was the forest moon of Ending, whose mother planet had vanished under strange circumstances, but given The Barksdale Empire's reputation, it wouldn't be surprising, right? In fact, in orbit 1200 yards from Ending was The Empire's new and improved Def Starr, which was 12,000 times larger, stronger and with more subwoofer wattage than the first Def Starr, which the Lawndale Rebels blew up years ago--yet it was only half completed, just half a dark steely sphere, with a sign on it reading COMING SOON THE NEW DEF STARR. SPONSORED & PAID FOR BY THE EMPRESS BARCH. NO TRESSPASSING.
All of which hardly mattered for the single Imperial class Imperial Star Destroyer which launched a shuttlecraft that headed for the new Def Starr, flanked by two TIE fighters.
Inside the shuttle, Imperial Officers Lisa and Nikki, were piloting the ship (don't ask me why), a taxi meter next to Lisa, when she spoke into the comlink, "JZ 35779 here, we're strating--I mean, starting our approach with a class 1 priority ranking. Turtle off the shield."
In the bowels of The Def Starr, Imperial officer Tori Jericho typed on the keys, a bunch of text in Galactic Basic scrolling on a nearby screen, whilst she said, "We'll do so only after you transmit you jurisdiction code.......OK, I got it now..........deactivation of the shield is in effect, so carry on and use Hangar 38104. Oh, and be sure you check the back end of your shuttle, I think one of your tail lights is out."
"Understood," said Lisa. "Wilco and out."
The shuttle streaked towards The Def Starr, past scaffolds and incomplete cannon towers, barriers and blinker lights all reading IMPERIALS AT WORK.
"Let's hurry up," muttered Nikki to Lisa. "She's in no mood to wait....."
"I wouldn't doubt it," said Lisa, "after what she did to poor Admiral Bennett and Captain Erin Barksdale. I heard she got up in a grouchy mood because she ran out of Slim Fast."
In the control chamber of The Def Starr, Moff Eric came to Tori and said, "A new beauty queen on that shuttle?"
"No such luck," replied Tori. "From what I heard, that shuttle carries a class 1 priority ranking."
Hearing that, Eric turned pale at such news, muttering, "Helen......!!" Turning to a near officer, he said, "Infrom the staff that Lady Helen's shuttle just arrived--and make sure you've dried the hangar floors after you've mopped them. The last time, she had a bloody fall."
The interior of Hangar 38104 was lined with thousands of Imperial troops, death squad officers, all sorts of Imperial Officers, the lot; one legion carried a banner that said, WELCOME LADY DARTH HELEN THE EMPIRE LUVS U when the shuttle landed; after the ramp hatch opened, Darth Helen stepped out, and as always, talking on her cell 'phone, saying, "Right. Get rid of her. The gander's got to go too." After she hung up, Eric showed up, saying, "Lady Helen!! What a surprise!! If we knew you were coming we would've made some lasagna for you."
"You can stop with the buttering me up, you nit," said Helen, testily. "The traffic was against my Star Destroyer and my shuttle all that way. All joking aside, the Empress Barch got worried over you and your goofing off. I came here to get you nitwits back on schedule."
"We're doing our best," said Eric. "We're only Imperial staffers and workers, stuck with supply problems, union demands, strikes and running out lunch boxes for the construction staff."
"Then maybe you can explain that to the Empress when she comes here," said Helen. "I just got an email saying she'd be on her way over here after she got back from her Take Back The Night seminar."
"The Empress is coming here.....?!?" said Eric. "Oh, crud......."
"Oh crud is right," said Helen. "And you know what she'll do, especially to a man like you if she sees you loafers.....well, loafing."
"We'll quadruple our efforts," said Eric, "and swill some Red Bull."
"I hope so, Eric, for your sake," warned Helen. "The Empress ain't as forgiving as I am. On the other hand, she's only been forgiving to women like me."
Sunset on the desert planet known as Tattoo You, a planet the sports droids known as See Brittpio and Kevin Detoo vowed they would never come back to. And yet here they were, plodding down a dusty road which led to the palace condo of Upchuck The Hutt; nearby, a sign on the right side of the road said, TO UPCHUCK THE HUTT'S CONDO. NOW TURN BACK.
"Babe," said Kevin, "I can't help but be worried, you with me so far?"
"You ain't the only one," said Brittpio, "and it's just as well we should, since Tiffbacca and Stacy Calrissian Rowe never came back from that dreadful place. You don't think they fancied a swift one and placed some quid on the nags?"
"No, I'd say they bet on the horses," replied Kevin. "Here's the place; it's bigger than a pub and larger than a desert hotel."
Up ahead, was the huge looming bulk of the stucco palace of Upchuck The Hutt, with pedal steel guitar music drifting from inside, several beer neon signs in the windows, and a huge steel door with a sign that said, FOOD DELIVERIES FOR UPCHUCK THE HUTT: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 & 18.00 A.M.TO P.M. Next to the door was a doorbell push button which Brittpio pushed; after the doorbell gave off a ding dong sound, there was a pause, then a door in the door (sic) opened before an eyeball on a mecha appendage popped out, staring at the jock droids and said, "Huh, huh, huh, huh. What do you want?"
"Uh," said Brittpio, "you can call me See Brittpio and he is my boyfriend Kevvy Detoo, and we've got a holo message for Upchuck The Hutt."
"He's busy eating and stuff, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh," said the eyeball.
"When will he be finished?" said Kevin.
"November 12 of '84, huh, huh, huh, huh," said the eyeball.
"We can't wait THAT long," stated the QB droid.
"Why not?" said the cheer droid. "Time marches on."
With a rumble and a grind, the huge door opened, a long hallway ahead and four piglike brutes known as the Gogetters came foward, one of them saying, "Follow me."
Right after the jock droids entered and the door sealed, they went down the hall, the pedal steel music much more louder and and some voices up ahead--and that was when the jock droids met up with the source of the eyeball--Butt Head Fortuna, who was currently Upchuck's major domo. Dressed in a black robe, with two sluglike tails sprouting from his head, with braces in his teeth, and a slicked back brown hairdo. Right now, he approached Brittpio and said, "Hey, baby."
"EEP!!" said Brittpio.
"Hey, what're trying to do here?" charged Kevin. "She happens to be my girlfriend."
"And I happen to be Butt Head Fortuna, and stuff, huh, huh, huh, huh," said Butt Head. "You two seem cool, so, uh, follow me, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh......."
And follow the droids did, until they entered a chamber that was half pub, half roadhouse, and half dance hall, with beer neons all over the place, a bar at one corner, a steel guitar band playing in one corner, and in the centre of the room, an ornate grated dance platform, where in front of that was a smaller concrete platform where Upchuck The Hutt was laying on, the loud mouthed Beavis Crumb, who was eating candy, and on a chain attatched to her collar, was Angie in a belly dancer outfit, reading from The Wall Street Journal. But it was Upchuck that looked up and said, "What brings you two sports droids here? Sponsoring a pay per view event? You name it."
"Uh, Kevvy here's got a holo message for you, your tubbiness," said Brittpio.
"As long as it's from Lisa Boyle....rrrrrrrrrr......bring it on," said Upchuck.
"OK," said Kevin who projected a 5 foot tall holo of Daria dressed in black and saying, "Greetings, oh obeseness known as Upchuck The Hutt. I am Daria 'Starkiller' Morgendorffer. I can understand your how you feel towards the fashionable brat known as Han Sandi Griffin, so let's make a deal, in the tradition of Monty Hall-- these two hardworking droids for the life of Captain Griffin. Otherwise just take it or leave it. That is a recording."
"EEP!!" said Brittpio. "Say it ain't so!!"
"Oh, wow!!" said Kevin. "We've been ripped off!!"
Right after the hologram faded, Upchuck was laughing, as were Beavis Crumb and Butt Head Fortuna.
"What a wuss she is, huh, huh, huh, huh," said Beavis. "A real heroine wouldn't make a grade--er, trade."
"Bargin than fight?" said Butt Head. "She ain't no Cynic, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh."
"Right said, boys," said Upchuck, who turned to Brittpio and Kevin and said, "Listen you two, I'll just take you two for my drudgery and hang on to Miss Griffin--after all, I like her just the way she is.......frozen till the time is right to turn her into a sex queen, just like Angie here......." Pointing over to the farthest end of the room, Upchuck gestured to an Alto Shaam frozen display case that had, in the frozen dinner foil tray with its life support system controls, surrounded by peas, carrots and an Apple Brown Betty, was Han Sandi Griffin, frozen in bas relief within the ice that was surrounded by the food.
"EEP!!" gasped Brittpio. "Captain Griffin.......and she's STILL frozen in that frozen dinner....!!"
"How worse can it get?" said Kevin. "First Sandi's still in the deep freeze and then Daria sells me and you to that ruddy Upchuck--or is that the other way around?"
"I think it's the other way around," replied Brittpio. "What a day......."
Herded down a dark hall reeking of graffiti, beer, and bloated belly roughnecks by one of the Gogetters, Kevin and Brittpio were in a gloomy mood, the distant sound of Taylor Swift doing Love Story playing, and the cheer droid bemoaning, "I don't get it, Kevvy. What did we ever do to deserve such treatment from Mistress Daria? Was it something we did? Was it because we forgot to do her laundry? Was it because we forgot to leave the toilet seat down?"
"Or was it maybe because," said Kevin, "that she can't stand jocks like me and you?"
"Well, there is that," said the cheer droid, just as the hairy hand of the mean bus driver from Beavis & Butt Head reached out his hairy arm from a window of his jail cell door for her, and Brittpio gasped, "OH!! How horrid!!" and broke it with her hand, before reaching and opening, grinding door marked MACHINE HELL. Inside, among belching steam, Cold Slither doing their self titled tune on a radio, a power droid getting tortured with hot irons on its feet shouting "OUCHEROO!!", in the centre of the chamber, was diva droid Louise Ninedenine, who said, "Ah, new droid greenhorns for Upchuck's drudgery." Turning to Brittpio, she said, "You're a cheerleader droid, right?"
"Uh, I am See Brittpio," said the cheer droid, "and I am also a human cyborg relations--"
"Yes or no will do," said Louise icily. "I hate droids that ramble too much like a bore."
"EEP!! Well, yes.....," said a nervous Brittpio, who muttered to Kevin, "We'd better watch our step, Kevvy--that droid looks like one of those more droid than thou types."
"And how," said the QB droid.
"What experience have you had?" asked Louise Ninedenine.
"I can do splits," said Brittpio, "and can jump in the air and do cartwheels as well, and I can also crush ice and recite poetry."
"Splendid!!" said Louise. "We've been without a sexy cheerleader droid for years since Upchuck lost his rag with the last one when she lost her footing doing c artwheels and fell in the bean dip, and disintergrated her."
"Disintergrated?!?" said Brittpio, just as a droid on a stretching rack, was pulled apart, and sparked out, saying, "owie......"
"Guard," said Louise to a Gogetter nearby. "That cheer droid might be useful. Fit her with a restraining bolt, give her some pom poms and take her back to Upchuck's main chamber."
"Let's go, brass bimbo," said the Gogetter, who took Brittpio by the arm and hustled her out the door, the cheer droid forlornly calling out, "Kevvy, don't leave me!! Help, and I don't mean The Beatles!!"
Seeing Britt shoved out the door Kevin turned to Ninedenine and said haughtily, "That wasn't nice what you did!! That was my girlfriend!!"
"You're a fiesty disrespectful droid," said Louise, "but in time, you WILL learn some respect here and like it."
"I'll learn it," said the QB droid, "but I won't like it."
"Whatever," said Louise. "I have need for you as a bartender and pitch man for It's A Nutty, Nutty World, on the master's sail party barge, and I think you may fit in nicely."
Nearby, the tortured power droid called out, "Yes, yes, yes, YES!! UGH.......!!" as the hot irons were applied..........
A wild party was taking place in Upchuck's main chamber with everyone drinking beer and getting drunk, the band Rascal Flatts playing their cover of Tom Cochraine's Life Is A Highway, the chained Angie doing her dance and Brittpio shaking her pom poms and cheering, "U,P,C,H,U,C,K, is the one that runs amok!! Gooooooo, Upchuck!!" Then to herself, "MTV and Viacom ain't paying me enough for all that." Suddenly, Upchuck called to Angie, "C' mere you!! Time to be my lapdancer!!"
"Not me!!" objected Angie. "You've got low grade cheap cologne that reeks of spirit gum!!"
Tugging on her chain, Upchuck objected, "Well, it's the way I like it!! Besides, it's all I can afford."
"Well I don't like it!!" said Angie, "Now stop tugging my chain!!"
"You know," said the Hutt, "I thought you were fiesty, but I see you're an ingrate and a bore. Out you go!!" Saying that, he stabbed a button and a trap door in the floor opened beneath a surprised Angie, who said, "Oh boy," before falling down that. Then there was quiet, followed by several growls, and a long rude burp.....and then a energy gunshot noise which everyone took notice to, for that gun was in the hand of some stranger named Bush, dressed in a black leather shirt, jerkin, trousers and a Predator type helmet; in the other hand, was a chain leash which had on its other end, a collar round the neck of Tiffbacca the Cookiee, who was looking troubled and near the newcomer.
"Oh no, Tiffbacca!!" wailed Brittpio. "Just when things couldn't get worse!! That does it--first chance I get, I am quitting the whole thing!!"
"Greetings, your tubbyness," said the newcomer, in a deep metallic voice, "I am Bush, from the bounty hunters' union and and I bring you a real offer," gesturing to Tiffy.
"Rrrrrrrr, fiesty," said Upchuck. "At last someone brought me the exotic Tiffbacca.....now I can take her with me to Vegas.....so, what do you ask for her?"
"Let's see," said Bush, "3000 credits, plus the life of Han Sandi Griffin."
"You know, you're the second one to offer something to me for Miss Griffin," said Upchuck. "The answer is no, she's reserved to be my new Playmate Of The Month."
"4000 then?" said Bush.
"The answer, as if you didn't know, is NO," said Upchuck. "Everyone's after a piece of Han Sandi."
Producing a small boombox, Bush said, "Then just sell me Captain Griffin because I've got a boombox, ready to play The Pussycat Dolls at any moment."
Hearing that, everyone, Upchuck included, drew back in fright, shuddering, muttering in fear.......until the Hutt said, "Rrrrrrrr.....now THAT is fiesty.....inventive and brainy. OK, Captain Griffin it is--just don't push your luck."
Putting down the boom box, Bush said, "Agreed."
"She agrees!!" cheered Brittpio. "I thought my circuits would overload........"
Whilst the party resumed, and Rascal Flatts went back to playing, Upchuck said to a guard, "Bring Miss Tiffy to the women's section and fit her in belly dancer togs, then toss her in the jail."
"Do I get one in green?" said the Cookiee as she was led away, passing a skiff guard, who, unbeknownst to anyone, was Stacy Calrissian Rowe in disguise, muttering, "I hope Daria knows what she's doing.....last time I trust in fringe benefits and promises of Waif from her...."
Night. The party having long ended, Tomita's version of Debussy's Footprints In The Snow playing somewhere, beer cans, peanut shells and nacho bowls were strewn over the floor, when Bush quietly sneaked in, coming to a stop before the Alto Shaam frozen container, and using a church key and wearing insulated gloves, opened it, and lifted out (with a lot of grunting) the container with Sandi and laid it against the freezer side and adjusted the side controls, then hit the DEFROST button.....
At first, there was quiet, then a humming sound, as the ice casing that covered Sandi and the frozen food melted away, until the fashion pirate was free, falling limp, her eyes opening, before a bell rang.
"Ding, chips're done," said Bush.
Sandi, who had squinted, shivered, saying, "What happened? I can't see. Where am I? Wait--I must've died......and they sent me to the bad place......"
Bush knelt down next to Sandi, cradled her and said, "It's OK, Sandi. You got thawed from the frozen dinner and wound up with hibernation sickness; your eyesight will come back, given time, so I've got the Robitussin standing by to make you well. Let's hurry, if we're to get back in time before The Bad Girls Club."
Reaching out, the fashion pirate felt Bush's mask and touched the grille like breath grid and said, "I knew it--they sent me to Brimstone City......and, and you're the devil!!"
"No," said Bush, "we're in Upchuck's palace."
"Upchuck's palace?!?" said a frightful Sandi. "It's even worse!! Wait--who're you?"
Bush took off the mask....revealing the beautiful face of Princess Quinn Morgendorffer who said, "Someone that loves you."
"Quinn!!" said Sandi. "I knew you'd come for me!!"
"Who'd you 'spect," said Quinn, "Veronica Cartwright?"
"No," said a new voice, "I'd say Dyanna Lauren, rrrrrrrrr, now SHE's feisty. Thanks for ruining my plans, Quinn, I trusted you to the point of inviting you to my gentleman's club next week."
"I'd know that voice," hissed the fashion pirate, "and it's not Hugh Hefner....."
Nearby, a curtained alcove opened up and behind that, was Upchuck The Hutt, his court, Beavis Crumb, Butt Head Fortuna and Brittpio, who said mournfully, "Sorry, girls, but they threatened to rust me with water if I didn't fess up to your plan......me and my Freudian slip...."
"Well, well, well........," said Upchuck. "we've already got Winken, and now we've got Blinken and Nod to add, which means we've got instead of one Playmate Of The Month, we've got three, rrrrr....."
"Listen, Upchuck," said Sandi, "I was just on my way to pay you back, but I got sidetracked and--"
"--took your time with the likes of teens and tweens shows like Buffy and The Bad Girls Club," said Upchuck, "so tell it to the judge. Han Sandi, you were the best prissy smuggler, but now you're diva fodder--and one of my new Playmates Of The Month." Then to Quinn, he added, "It would be an honour to have some real royalty in my collection." Saying so, he stuck his tongue out.
"EEP!! I can't look!!" gasped Brittpio.
What happened next was understandable, for Upchuck used his tongue to plant a kiss on Quinn's mouth; she recoiled, gasping, "EW!! Hutt germs!!"
"Guard," said the Hutt, "take Quinn and Sandi to the women's section and fit them in belly dancer togs, just like we fit Tiffbacca, and step on it----rrrrr......"
"I want my outfit to be red and pink," said Quinn.
"Make mine ice blue," said Sandi.
Herded down a hall, the princess said to the fashion pirate, "Sorry I failed."
"Thanks for trying," muttered Sandi, "but no thanks to that stool pidgeon grass of a cheer droid. She can't keep a secret."
An hour later, Sandi, in a skimpy ice blue belly dancer outfit was shoved in a concrete jail cell, falling on her bottom and muttering, "Oh, my aching behind..... what a day......I get betrayed to my best friend, tortured, sold to my bounty hunter mum, frozen, wind up in Upchuck's palace blind and stuck in a belly dancer's outfit.......what else could get worse?"
"Sandi!!" said a new voice from the shadows, before the onwer of the voice--Tiffbacca in a green belly dancer outfit--ran out and hugged her friend.
"Is that you, Tiffy?" said the surprised fashion pirate. "Let go of me, you're not only squeezing out my breath, you're acting out of character. So what's happening here?"
"It's all part of Stacy's plan," said the Cookiee. "You look good in ice blue."
"I wish I could see it," said Sandi, "soon as my vision gets back to normal. Wait, STACY's plan?!? What's she doing here?"
"She and I were paid off in fringe benefits and Waif and smoothies for the job by Daria," said Tiffy, "just so that she could be a Cynic Knight."
"A Cynic Knight?!?" said the fashion pirate. "Why did you two listen to her?? She don't care for fashion girls like me and you, only her Doc Marten boots and her Sick Sad World. My vision's all fouled up and everyone gets delusions of grandeur."
"Patience, Sandi," said Tiffbacca. "all may be revealed in the morning."
"I hope so," said a tired Sandi who lay on her back, saying, "Good night, Tiffy."
"Good night then," said the Cookiee, who lay down also. "See you in the morning."
In the morning, another newcomer entered the building, dressed in black, The Beatles' Baby's In Black playing faintly somewhere, and the newcomer approaching an annoyed Butt Head Fortuna--and that newcomer was Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer.
"Hey you," said Butt Head, "get lost, fathead, Upchuck don't want you here."
"Sorry," said Daria, "but I got an appointment with his royal fattness."
"Uh," said Butt Head, "you've got an appointment with his royal fatness."
So the major domo with grease for brains led the Starkiller down the hall and into Upchuck's main chamber, and with Garth Broooks playing Hard Luck Woman in the corner--there was Upchuck on his platform, with Beavis Crumb at his side, along with Brittpio and, in a red and pink belly dance outfit, Quinn.
"YAY!!" cheered Brittpio. "Mistress Daria's come to take me, Kevvy and the rest away from all that!!"
"Daria?" said Quinn. "If she's our future, we're history." Then turning to the Starkiller, she added, "How do you like my new outfit?"
"You look like a Shakira rip off," said Daria, just as Upchuck said to Butt Head, "I thought I told you to keep her out, she's a nuisence."
"Uh, huh, huh, huh, huh," said Butt Head, "she's got an appointment with your royal fatness."
Enraged, the Hutt swatted Butt Head with his tail, sending the Fortuna crashing into Beavis, then shouting, "Stupid idiot!! She's using a Cynic mind trick, which is the oldest invention since the heel, I mean wheel!!"
"Huh, huh, huh, huh, that sucks," said Butt Head.
"That sucks, that sucks," said Beavis.
"Listen, fat, fat, super fat," said Daria, "I suggest you turn loose Sandi, Quinn and the rest before I turn emo and use justifiable homicide."
"Rrrrrrr, fiesty," said Upchuck, "but fiesty or not, you stupid mind power won't work on me, girl. I took the liberty of memorising all the choice label wine names to crowd my mind to resist your mind control."
"Watch out!!" called Brittpio to the Starkiller. "You're standing on a trap door!!"
Already with her handgun drawn, Daria said, "Where?" just as a Gogetter guard stepped foward, saying, "Hey!! Gimme that!!" and grabbed it, trying to wrest it from Daria's grip, only to get a shot from it, the bolt hitting an empty beer can near the Hutt who accidently (?) hit the switch, causing the Starkiller and the pig guard to fall in, every one looking down through the grated floor, which showed below a 21 foot high cave and Daria and the Gogetter, having fallen from a chute--and that was when a huge, thick heavy garage door at the far end opened, revealing a 12 foot high creature with an green bank eyeshade hat and a Yale tattoo on his left arm.
"Oh no!!" wailed Brittpio. "The Banker!!"
Spotting the Gogetter, The Banker belched and said, "Cheat on your taxes, will you?!? I'll make you regret it by making you my appitiser!!"
Despite the Gogetter's best efforts to blast the creature, The Banker grabbed the pig guard and gulped him down, then belched, saying, "A pig in a blanket....now for the main meal.....!!" and reached out for Daria, who said, "Sorry, but I doubt a Cynic wannabe like me is on the menu," then used The Farce to levitate above the wild creature and grip the grating from below, then let go to land on The Banker's nose, causing the monster to yowl, "OUCH!! That was a stupid thing to do!!"
Having landed on the ground, the Starkiller ran into the opened passage and found her way blocked by a castle like gate, two mutant keepers eating their food, whilst Iron Butterfly's In A Gadda Da Vida was playing on their radio, a huge dog dish with the name ROVER nearby; upon seeing Daria run to the gate, they poked their spears trough the gate slots at her, saying, "Hey you--get back where you belong, food!!"
"Great," said Daria. "Now they call me food." Then upon looking back and seeing The Banker come on behind her, roaring, "You bastard!! I'll make your medical bill look like a national debt!!", she produced a control box with a push button switch and said, "I hope my garage door opener works here."
With that in mind, the Starkiller pushed the button......and the huge garage door slammed down on The Banker's head, crushing it like a melon, to the horror of Upchuck and his court, as well as to the keepers, the first one saying, "You've killed our pet!!"
"That unhousebroken thing was your pet?" said Daria.
"Yes," said the second, "and we just spent a lot of credits to buy a pooper scooper for him.....WHAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Back in the main audience chamber, Brittpio did her cartwheels and splits, cheering, "Goooooooooo, Daria!!" Upchuck, on the other hand, was livid, roaring, "That Daria is fiesty, but way too fiesty!! Bring her, Sandi and Tiffbacca to me!! They will all die for the outrage!! Besides, they were all fashion bores!!!!!!!"
Within a few minutes, Sandi and Tiffbacca wre taken before Upchuck and were alongside Daria, who said, "Must be a belly dancer convention."
"Daria?!?" said Sandi. "There just seems to be no end to the people I run into!! You and your stupid ideas!! Thanks to you, we're doomed!!"
"Trust me," muttered the Starkiller, "it's part of my plan to get you all out from here--Upchuck's place was just too well guarded with their own Secret Service."
"Secret Service?" said the Cookiee. "It's so wrong."
At that moment, Upchuck cleared his throat and said, "OK, listen up, you not so fiesty ladies--for the murder of our mascot, you will all die, by getting shoved off a skiff plank when we take our party sail barge to the Dooney Sea, into The Pit Of Canker, the resting place of the space glutton known as The Sarcastic, where you will know new meaning of pain and suffering in its digestive juices."
"Just like when you eat a sour apple," said the Starkiller. Then to the fashion pirate, "Don't you worry 'bout a thing--my plan will turn the tides in our favour."
"How?" said Sandi. "When we're doomed to be Sarcastic food? And you say YOU'VE got a plan?"
"I didn't say it was easy," said Daria. "They say in every life, a bit of rain must fall."
"Too bad it all winds up in the basement, ew," said Tiffy.
With The Venga Boys doing We Like To Party on a DJ system, Upchuck's party sail barge cruised along the dunes, dotted with its real eastates signs now and then. Flying alongside it, was a prison skiff with the sign CAPTIVES ON BOARD, on which a few loyal skiff guards, the disguised Stacy, Daria, Sandi and Tiffbacca were.
"How's your eyesight?" said the Starkiller.
"Getting better," said the fashion pirate. "Instead of seeing a white blob, now I see nearly everything, only blurry, like what you see without your glasses."
"Lucky you," said Daria. "Least you ain't missing much--I grew up here."
"And now we're all going to die here," said Sandi. "At least YOU weren't stuck in a belly dancer outfit like me, Tiffy and Quinn."
"I wouldn't say that," said Tiffbacca. "I thought they're cool to wear on a hot day like that. We could make quite a fashion statement for Waif."
"Maybe I should've worn such an outfit," said Daria. "It would be better than the trashy formal outfits those starlets wear at those Oscars."
Inside the barge, peeking through the louvered slats, Quinn, who was playing with her Nintendo Wii, near a belching Upchuck, stared at Brittpio who was doing her splits, whilst Beavis Crumb and Butt Head were doing Rock Paper Scissors.....until the barge came to a stop....and that was when Kevin Detoo, carrying a tray of drinks, when he bumped into the cheer droid.
"Kevvy!!" squeaked the cheer droid. "How'd you get here? Wait, strike that--they're going to make Mistress Daria die, and me and you too, unless we do something."
"Already on it, babe," said Kevin, who handed the tray to Brittpio and said, "Gotta go to the loo, babe, be right back," and headed topside.
"Wait," said Brittpio, "you're a droid!! Droids don't go to the loo.......or do we.......?"
Outside, the skiff had hovered over a deep pit linded with teeth like spikes and a serpent's head with jaws and ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE THAT ENTER HERE, tattooed on its head, it's teeth lined mouth saying, "FEED ME!!!!" A plank was 15 feet over its maw as Daria was herded towards its end, as Brittpio's voice was heard over a bullhorn: "His Royal Fattiness, Upchuck The Hutt hopes you will beg for your life and say 'Go Daddy' in a breathy way."
"Listen, you tell that tubby pervert," said Sandi, who was facing the wrong way; she was turned around by her Cookiee friend and she added, "you tell that tub of lard with a Howdy Doody face he'll get no pleasure and no sexy requests out from me and the rest."
"Oh rats," said the Hutt over the bullhorn. "Oh well, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, fiesty."
"It's your last chance," called out Daria. "Either you give freedom to me and my mates or you may regret having pulled a police officer's exit."
"A police officer's exit?" said Upchuck.
"A cop out," said the Starkiller, who grinned her trademark grin; that prompted some hearty laughing among the Hutt's rouges gallery, among them, Linda Fett Griffin, who was up on deck, guffawing--and so was Kevin, who had reached the edge and shot out something silvery, as Upchuck said, "I hate cops. Put her in."
But before anyone could do that, Daria jumped up on the plank and jumped up in the air from it like a diving board, only to land on the other side of the skiff guards, and grabbing and igniting the green light sabre that Kevin had shot to her, cutting through the enemy whilst Peter Gabriel's Shock The Monkey played on the barge's DJ system--and at that moment, Stacy whipped off her disguise and grappled, then tosses one of the guards over, down into the Sarcastic's (the toothy creature in the pit) maw, and belched, saying, "YUM."
With Daria busy elsewhere with the guards, Sandi and Tiffbacca joined Stacy in the melee, tossing over evil doers to the Sarcastic, until, from her vantage point, Linda saw what was happening, and said, "My daughter's gone too far!! Now she gets it!!" Aiming her rifle, she took a potshot at the side of the skiff, causing it to tip over and spilling the fashion girls over the side, sliding dangerouly towards the Sarcastic, Stacy in particular, who wailed, "Oh, great!! I don't wanna be Sarcastic chow!!"
Hang on," called Sandi who grabbed Stacy's hand and with Tiffy holding onto the fashion pirate's leg, tried to pull them up, but the creature, shouting out, "MEAT!! FRESH FASHION GIRL MEAT FOR GRANNY!!" lashed out with a tentcle like tongue and wound that 'round Stacy's leg.
"EWWWW!!" said Stacy. "Sarcastic tongue!! GERMS!!!!"
"That does it," said Sandi. "Tiffy, hand me that gun."
"Wait, I thought you were blind!!" squawked Stacy.
"Don't complain, OK?" said the fashion pirate who aimed and shot the tonuge; the Sarcastic yelled "OUCH!!" and let go of Stacy, just before Tiffy pulled her and Sandi up into the skiff, until, Linda, seeing that, said, "Oh no you don't, you brat!!" and using her jet pack, took off from the barg, landing in the skiff and brandishing her gun saying, "Get over here, Sandi, I wanna spank you till you bleed!!"
"Oh-oh," said the Cookiee, "it's Linda Fett."
"Linda Fett?" said the fashion pirate. "My mum? Where?"
"Right here," said Daria, who tapped Linda on her shoulder--only to hit the power switch of her jet pack, causing the bounty hunter to fly upward in a upside down U shaped flight path, saying, "I think it's going to hurt," just before landing right in the maw of the Sarcastic who belched and said, "TOO MUCH IRON!!"
"Right in the creature's jaws," said Tiffbacca. "Oucheroo."
"She did?" said Sandi. "I wish I had seen that."
"I wish I hadn't," said Stacy. "Eww."
"Stacy," said Sandi, "what's with you and 'eww?'"
"At least all the 'ewws' sound just right," said Daria.
Inside the barge however, it was chaos with Upchuck shouting, "Hey, you can't do that!! You're ruining my pay per view ratings!!"
It was in that last moment, that Quinn, chained to her collar, wrapped the chain around the Hutt's throat--that is, if he had one--and pulled, grunting, "Let's make like Homer Simpson, ASAP!!"
"G.........A...............S.............P.......!!" choked the Hutt. "You dirty cheater!! You.........don't......fight fair...............oh........RATS!!" After gasping out one last "Fiesty....," he died out quicker than disco.
"What a ham," said Quinn, as Kevin came by and used his cutter to sever the chain that bound her, setting her free.
"Thanks, Kevin," she said. "I hate the idea of living like a chained dog. Where's Brittpio?"
"Over there," said the QB droid, "with those two perverts."
It was true; Brittpio was pinned down on the floor with Butt Head Fortuna on her stomach whilst Beavis picked out her gold eyes, both saying, "Huh, huh, huh, huh, what a bimbo wuss."
"EEP!!" screamed the cheer droid. "Not my eyes!!"
"Oh, yes, your eyes," said Beavis. "Huh, huh, huh, huh, you suck as a cheer droid!!"
"Hey!!" said Kevin, "no-one calls my cheer droid girl a bimbo!! DIE!!" And using his electric prod, he jabbed at the two perverts, sending them to the upper outside deck, both yelling, "That sucks, that sucks!!"
Up on the deck, Beavis Crumb and Butt Head Fortuna were amazed at the way Daria was dispatching her enemies with her sabre, as The Blue Man Group's Rods & Cones played.
"Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, that was cool," said Beavis, "the way that Diarrhea uses that neon sword on those wusses."
"Light sabres rule," said Butt Head, "they rule, they rule!!"
Eleswhere, Kevin was pushing Brittpio off a plank on one side of the barge, the cheer droid protesting, "Kevvy, it's too far to jump----AHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!"
In fact, the drop was only 7 feet down when the droids went over the side, right in the skiff deck.
"Well," said Stacy, "how nice of you to drop in."
Elsewhere, Quinn had pointed one of the two deck guns down to the deck and hit the trigger, saying, "BARRRRRRRROOM!! to you sleazes!!" Daria, at the other end, was doing the same thing, blasting her gun on the deck, saying, "Let's blow the sap right off the map." Then grabbing a rope, she and Quinn swung on it, yelling like Tarzan and landing on the skiff as well.
"Next stop," said Stacy, "the Millennium Diva. Fasten your seat belts, all, and don't get carsick!!" Saying that, she gunned the skiff as the whole barge blew up in a firey finish, landing in a smoldering heap on the dunes....and from within the heap, Beavis Crumb and Butt Head Fortuna could be heard from with in saying, "That was cool, that was, cool, huh, huh, huh, huh..........."
The Who's I'm Free was playing on Daria's CD player that had been built into her X wing as she and Kevin, were in orbit 'round Tattoo You; nearby, also in flight, was Han Sandi Griffin's Millennium Diva.
"OK, group," said the Starkiller into the radio link to the others onboard the Diva, "here's the scene in which we part ways, me and Kevin on our way to Doggieboy, whilst the rest of you rendezvous with the rest of the Lawndale Rebel fleet. You see, I got a promise to keep to an old friend--a real old friend."
"Well, hurry up," said Quinn. "Now that we got Sandi healed with the Robitussin, we can get back in time for The Bad Girls Club. We'll meet you after that with the Rebel fleet, so hurry back."
"Which reminds me," said Daria, "Sandi, how's your eyesight?"
"A whole lot better, since the day Hannah Montana's blinged fashions came out," replied the fashion pirate. "Daria.....thanks for coming for me........like I said before, you may be a fashion disaster, but I like your style. Oh, and thanks for paying me back the money you owed me for that poker game."
"Hurry back, Daria," said Tiffbacca. "Our parody wouldn't work without you, you know."
"And do look after Kevvy for me," added Brittpio.
"And look both ways before you cross the street," said Stacy.
"Whatever," said the Starkiller. To Kevin, she said, "Next stop, Doggieboy."
"Do we HAVE to go back there?" said the jock droid. "You know that swamp is hell on my circuits."
"Not to worry," said Daria. "I just got you oiled and protected with Thomson's Water Seal." With that in mind, she and the rest, for the second time in their lives, rocketed from Tattoo You, to the deep pockets of space, and the interstellar beyond.
Back at the under construction Def Starr, in one of the vast hangars, the Imperial officers, troops and personnel were in formation, carrying banners that said, WELCOME EMPRESS BARCH, THE EMPIRE LUVS U, BARCH RULES, BARCH 4EVER and BARCH ROCKS, as they, along with Moff Eric and Darth Helen stood before the now landed shuttlecraft for the Empress Janet Barch. Even now, the hatch opened and as a residential karaoke DJ played Queen Latifah's Ladies First, a squad of troopers came out, followed by the elite red robed Imperial Guard, The Imperial Court and last of all, the black robed and hooded Empress, Janet Barch, who stopped before Helen and said, "Well, I see you got even all the MEN to respect you!! You did well, I'll give you a red 'Very Good' witch rubber stamp for your efforts."
"I think you should add a sinister laugh to what you just said," suggested Helen. "it gives you a real evil persona."
After giving out a deep evil laugh, Barch asked, "How was that?"
"Not too bad," said the Spit Lady. "Anyhow, The Def Starr will be completed as scheduled and we'll place a evergreen tree on top when we finish."
"Right now," said the Empress, "your first priority is to look for Daria Starkiller. Remember--she's got to come to you of her own free will sooner or later. I bet everything at the bookies that she would."
"That shouldn't be a problem," said the Dark Lady. "since we'll meet on the forest moon of Ending."
"I hope you're right," said Barch, "considering you cheated by looking up the webpage. Got any Starbucks?"
"Got some right, here," said Helen, "with the chocolate all the way through doughnuts."
With the X wing parked near Yodeling Amy's house and Kevin tuned into The Pigskin Channel, via satellite, Daria entered the old house and found a worn out Yodeling Amy playing tiddlywinks; she looked up and said, "Waiting for you, I was. Did you bring the cheese fries?"
"Right here," said the Starkiller, who produced the food and after she and Amy ate those, the said Amy said, "Strong I am, with The Farce, but rest me soon for eternity."
"I wouldn't doubt it," said Daria. "You DO look like a used flat tire."
"When 800 years old you look," said Amy, "turn into a hag, you will. I can't even yodel like I used to."
"But I came back to finish my training, like I said I would," said Daria, "to finish the story and the lot."
"Finished, is your training," said Amy, who laid down on her bed. "Diploma, I send you, as long as lose it in transit, the post office doesn't."
"Then am I a Cynic Knight?" said the Starkiller. "No, I couldn't be, it's way too easy--and too soon in the parody."
"Way too easy is right," said Amy, whose breath was getting shallow all the time. "Only one thing remians.......Helen.......you must confront Darth Helen, and sooner or later, you will. Then you must get a date for the Cynic prom. Only then, finished you will be."
"That reminds me," said Daria, "is Darth Helen my mum?"
"Did you read the latest blog in MySpace?" said Amy.
"Then it IS true," said the shocked Starkiller. "I wonder.......is it Dar(ia) Wars........or East Enders?"
"True indeed," said Amy. "Your mum, she is. Told you, didn't she? She always liked to be first at almost anything. But.......what the hey? Right now, Daria, do......not......underestimate......the power........and the feminist meaness of The Empress, or meet the same fate your mum did..........dying, I am.......but I got time to tell......you that The Farce is strong in your family, even stronger than the lasanga your family ate..............there is.........another...........Morgendorffer...................."
With that last ounce of breath, Amy died........and vanished from sight, as the sound of thunder could be heard outside, before Daria said, "Now that is one way to beat the high cost of funeral expenses......."
Playing The Doors' Yes, The River Knows on his player, Kevin Detoo was fixing his football when a dejected Daria showed up in a zombie state; seeing her, the QB droid asked, "How 'bout it, Daria? Is Yodeling Amy helping you finish your training?"
"She said," said a somber Starkiller, "that my training was already finished, before she was finished herself."
"You mean she died?" said the surprised jock droid.
"Yup," said Daria, before slumping down on the ground next to Kevin and muttering, "I can't do it, Kevin........I can't carry on alone."
Suddenly the spectre of Obi Jane Kenobi shimmered into sight and said, "Amy and I will be with you always."
Jolted by that latest surprise, the Starkiller got up to her feet and charged, "Jane!! You didn't tell me the truth on how my mum died!!"
"OK, so the boogie man didn't take her away," said the Cynic ghost. "How was I to know she'd spoil it by spilling the beans to you?"
"Never mind that," shot back Daria. "You told me in A New Girl that Darth Helen betrayed and murdered my mum, and in The Barksdale Empire Strikes Back, lo and behold, she tells me SHE's my mum."
"Simple, amiga," said Jane. "When your mum was corrupted by the Empress Barch's lies and such, she ceased existing as Helen Morgendorffer and was reborn as Darth Helen, so when that happened, she betrayed everything your mother believed, in the name of all honest lawyers and the Cynic Knights, thus, as we all know, the good mum we all knew was symboliclly murdered--so what I told you was true, from a point of view, take it or leave it."
"A point of view?!?" said Daria. "Tell it to the district attorney, funny gal!!"
"Daria," said the Cynic ghost, "I don't blame you for how you feel 'bout me........like the blog said, I was the worst Cynic instructor in the galaxy, besides, what happened to your mum was my fault."
"Your fault?" said Kevin. "Say it ain't so!!"
"It was so," said Jane. "You see, when I first met Helen, she was a great pilot, Cynic Knight, and powerhouse lawyer, but my mistake was thinking that I could be a great instructor, a la Lucky Strike, just as Yodeling Amy was, in the hopes of getting in good at Raft Collage--but I wasn't much worth quid. As such, the Empress succeeded in strealing my thunder and swaying poor Helen with her lies in joining her camp, resulting in my mistake costing the whole galaxy, if not my self respect."
"And I say there's some good in her," said the Starkiller. "I mean, she could've blasted me to bits during that dogfight over The Def Starr, but she didn't, and that duel we had in Clod City, yet all she did was cut off my hand.........oh, who am I joking? I can't kill my own mum."
"Did she ever get you that X Box 360?" said Obi Jane. "Did she ever take you to Vegas for your birthday?"
"GRRRRRRRRRR, SNORT," growled Daria. "I feel the hate building up in me already."
Just then, Kevin aimed his spout at the Starkiller and sprayed her with gallons of cold water. "Cool off, Daria," he said. "No need to boil over."
"Thanks," sputtered Daria. "I needed that." Then to the Cynic ghost: "I just can't do it, Jane. You were the one that told me not to give in to hate, that it would lead to the dark side."
"So it depends on the circumstaces," said Obi Jane. "Then the Empress just won--you were our only hope."
"Maybe not," said the Starkiller as she was drying off. "Amy spoke of another that was also a Morgendorffer, as if the result wasn't obvious."
"The other one," said Jane, "is your sister, and I doubt she's likely to renounce fashion in favour of becoming a Cynic Knight to take out Darth Helen."
"Sister?" said Daria in surprise. "I ain't got no sister. Why would I want a sister for? To make fun of my misery chick way of life?"
"To protect you from the Empress," replied Jane, "and for the sake of our parody, as well as create some fashion variety in the character roster, I had you two whisked to seperate hideaways the night you two were born, which is why your sister's name is unknown."
"Until now," said Daria. "It's Quinn.....Quinn is my sister."
"You and Quinn sisters?" said Kevin. "Wait'll I tell Britt."
"Your Cynic instincts serve you well," said the Cynic ghost.
"That and the fact," replied the Starkiller, "that she and I share the same surname--that explains why it was so since the first two parodies we were in."
"Fine," said Obi Jane, "but bury those feelings deep down--they could be made to serve the Empress and besides, no-one likes a prideful show off when that secret shows up in the gossip tabloids."
"I'll buy that," said Kevin.
Above the planet Sullen, The Beatles' Revolution 1 was playing as thousands upon thousands of Lawndale Rebel ships, from tankers to manowars, from gunships to carriers, from frigates to capital ships--all were gathered 'round the capital Rebel headquarters ship, Revolution 9; inside the combination meeting chamber and control bridge, were several people of all races, genders and generations eating chesse fries and swilling diet sodas as gathered nearby were Chairwoman Mon Amanda Lane, California Admiral Jodie Ackbar Landon, and General Tim O' Neil Madine.
"Listen up, all," said Amanda, "at last the time's come for the biggest scene in our parody--taking on The Def Starr, which is 330% more wattage than the first one, with a subwoofer fitted with Cerwin Vega technology. We know from our Oakwood spies that The Empress Barch herself is overseeing the construction and running her Take Back The Night seminars there. Many Oakwoodites died to bring such info here, through the efforts of our tabloids. Admiral Landon."
"Inasmuch as the new Def Starr is incomplete," said Jodie, "it's protected by an energy sheild stronger than Mister T.'s gold chain collection. It's broadcast from a pirate radio station on the forest moon of Ending, so once the plug is pulled on the sheild, our aerial ships just head down the Def Starr shaft reading DO NOT ENTER, IMPERIALS AT WORK, then aim for and blast the red switch covered in plastic reading TO WIPE OUT THE DEF STARR, BREAK GLASS AND PUSH BUTTON. After that, JUST SCRAM OUT OF HERE!! General Calrissian Rowe will lead the aerial strike. General O'Neil Madine."
"Who, me?!?" said Stacy in shock. "I wondered why they gave me my generalship. But then, it's a lot better than running a perfume city."
"Ever been up against one of those Def Starrs?" said Sandi. "You may be in for a short generalship."
"I wonder why they didn't ask you to do the honours," said Stacy. "You were always the take charge popular girl."
Blushing, Sandi said, "Y-you think so? Well that was an an unkind cut, giving you that job instead of me!!"
"Before we begin," said General O' Neil, "I say we should all turn to the one behind you and say, 'Hope loves you, and so do I' OK? Now that we got that out of the way, let's start with the next task--we stole an Imperial shuttle and the surface strike team chosen for the first phase, will head to Ending, rub out that sheild generator and put that off the air for good, and make things safe for fairy princesses to fly again--no,that wasn't it......"
"I wonder who they picked to be the lucky fool?" muttered Quinn.
"I pity the fool that gets it," said Tiffbacca.
"General Griffin," said O' Neil, "is your strike team assembled?"
"Well, that answers that," said Tiffy. "Sandi, come on, take a bow, lucky fool."
Blushing at the same time, Sandi stammered, "Uh, my squad is ready, but I got to get a fashion crew." Turning to Tiffy, she said, "We've been through a lot, and it seems fitting with my longtime fashion partner in crime at my side."
"Besides," said the Cookiee, "you never know if there's any shopping plazas on Ending."
"There's one," said the fashion pirate.
"Count me in on all that and those shopping plazas," said Quinn. "I ain't allowing you out of my sight, your Generalship." as she pecked Sandi's blushing cheek.
"There's two," said the still blushing fashion pirate.
"Hey, someone's got to look over your motley crew," said Daria, "to ensure you don't overspend."
"And there's three, I think," said Sandi.
Approaching her sister she never knew she had, Quinn said to her in a French accent, "Is that lipstick I see?"
"I just had a lollipop," said a bashful Starkiller.
"With gloss?" said the fashion princess, before adding, "Is something bothering you besides me?"
"No big deal," said Daria. "Let's save it for the big night scene in Ending, huh?"
"No sense in any plot spoilers," said Quinn.
Scattered throughout the Revolution 9's hangar bay, with Steve Winwood's Roll With It playing, were Rebel ships, fighter ships, the stolen Imperial shuttle and the one and only Millennium Diva, where Sandi was gesturing to and, seemingly, making a sales pitch to Stacy. "I mean it," said the fashion pirate,"borrow it, it's that fastest piece of jewellery in the galaxy. It'll bring you luck, and I'll even throw in the newest issue of Waif, my newest schrunchie and my autographed photo of Taylor Swift."
"Get going, you old pirate," giggled Stacy. "I'll take your offer, but I already got the newst issue of Waif. But thanks anyway--and I promise, not a scratch."
"I hope not," said Sandi. "otherwise I may fly your satin knickers on a flagpole.........."
Entering the shuttle, Sandi could see everyone there, in addition to the strike crew: Daria, Quinn, the jock droids Kevin and Brittpio and Tiffbacca, who said,"You've got to be a rocket scientist to pilot a ship like that."
"Well, I don't think The Empire had Cookiees in mind when they designed and built their shuttles," said the fashion pirate, who settled on the pilot's seat andand said, "OK, all, let's shuttle up our mouths and see what our newest jalopy can do."
"Here we go again," said Brittpio.
"Eyes on the prize," said Kevin.
So with Guns N' Roses' Patience playing, the shuttle took off, its wings unfolded, and it shot off into light speed.
Back at The Def Starr, TIE ships, Star Destroyers and the Super Star Destroyer Executive were orbiting the giant half complete orb of death, whilst up in its combination throne room and control tower, with Queen's Killer Queen playing, the Empress Barch and her Imperial court were practising their martial art moves for their Take Back The Night project, when Lady Darth Helen showed up, bowed and said, "What is thy bidding, my mistress?"
"Tell the chefs to bring another round of Subway sandwhiches for our court, along with Starbucks coffee," said Barch, "then order the fleet to hide near the far side of Ending; there, it will stay until called for."
"What of the Lawndale Rebels meeting near Sullen?" said the Dark Lady.
"It's of no concern, since they'll discover the hard way what's in the works for them, so I hope they're insured," said the Empress. "Soon the Lawndale Rebellion as well as all of MTV's animation and Daria fandom will be crushed and Miss Starkiller will be one of us--I hope. Your work here is finished, my fellow feminist. Get back to the Executive and await further orders--oh, and treat yourself at the oxygen bar, you've earned it."
"As you wish, my mistress," said Helen. "Guess it's back to my cell 'phone again."
Emerging from hyperspace, the stolen Imperial shuttle arrived at Ending, The Def Starr in the distance and the Executor nearby, with Triumph's World Of Fantasy playing when a voice came on the radio: "Shuttle Tyre, we've got you in our sights, transmit your jurisdiction code."
"Where's that?" said Tiffbacca.
"Tiffy, what's with you?" said a testy Sandi. "It's right here." Flipping a switch, the pirate said, "Transmitting now, anything to get a foot in the door."
"Now let's hope that code was worth the purchase," said Quinn. "We had to shell out 330 Imperial credits for that, after selling so many of those 'phone cards door to door to raise the money."
"Helen's on that ship........," said a trance like Daria.
"You better see a shrink," said Tiffy. "you're getting paranoid."
"You know what your trouble is, Daria?" said the tense fashion pirate. "You're a fraidy cat."
Onboard the Executive, in the bridge, Darth Helen had approached Admiral Leslie Gupty, said into her cell 'phone, "One minute, Eric," said to the Admiral, "Where's that shuttle going?"
Turning to the radio, Leslie said into it, "Shuttle Tyre, what's your cargo and destination?"
The filtered voice of Han Sandi came back: "Parts, blinged scrunchies and techincal crew for the forest moon."
"Do they have a jurisdiction code?" said Helen.
"It's an older code, like the ones used for Virgin Moblie," said Leslie, "but it checks out."
"Then allow them to pass, they seem legit," said The Dark Lady, who turned back to her 'phone and said into it, "Trust me, Eric, it's another pay per view event in the works-- The Empire, Vs. The Rebellion."
Back on the shuttle, everyone was playing gin rummy when back came the radio voice: "Shuttle Tyre, deactivation of the sheild will start. Continue your current path, and, I suggest you get a valid licence plate, the one you got on it, looks a bit old."
"Will do," said Sandi, before turning to the rest, saying, "See? Hakuna matata, translation, no worries."
"Next stop, Ending," said Tiffbacca, as she adjusted controls, taking a sip from her Red Bull.
"I shouldn't have come," muttered Daria. "I'll just endanger the mission."
"Daa-a------ria," said Quinn, "we'll never get anywhere as long as you got that that kind of outlook. What happened to your happy face?"
"I've still got a happy face," shot back the Starkiller. "You should see me when I got my sad face."
Hours after landing on the lush foresty moon of Ending, the shuttle was hidden in the trees, much of the rebel crew having a cook out whilst Daria, the droids, Quinn, Sandi and Tiffy explored the landscape, which was dotted with billboards advertising youth hostels and other eateries.
"What a place," said Kevin.
"All those trailer parks everywhere," said Brittpio. "It's the ultimate kitsch paradise."
"But no shopping malls," moaned Tiffbacca. "brr."
"Maybe up on ahead, if we luck out," said Daria, "and maybe we might stumble onto an internet cafe."
"Just remember," said Sandi, "that we're in no man's--and no woman's, child's and droid's--land, so stay on your toes."
"Good thing too," said Quinn, who now pointed ahead. "Look over there."
Up ahead, with Dave Edmunds doing I Hear You Knocking, on a radio, were four troopers near their speeder bikes, roasting in a barbeque.
"So........," said Quinn, "how do we nail those sod minded troopers?"
"We'll do it the discreet way," said Sandi. "Let's go, Tiffy."
"You could learn something, you know," said Tiffbacca, just before she and the fashion pirate sneaked up behind two of the troops and blasted them with a big BOOM!! whacking them flat on the grass.
"THAT was discreet?" said Daria.
"It is to me," said the fashion pirate, until the the remaining troopers got up and the first one said, "That wasn't nice, wiping out our mates like that."
"We're tellin'," said the other trooper, before he and his partner took off on their speeder bikes.
"Holy cow!!" said Brittpio, "they're getting away!!"
"Not for long," said Quinn, who darted for one of the other bikes, whilst Daria did the same, and soon they were chasing the troopers on their bikes through the woods, as Steppenwolf's (what else?) Born To Be Wild played.
"Well," said the Starkiller in surprise, "I didn't think you were experienced at bike riding."
"Gosh, Daria," said the princess, "what do you think people do on dates? Now let's stump those Imperials."
"And make saps out of them," said Daria.
Which they did, chasing then down, Quinn blasting one of them into turning to one side, only to crash into a tree, whilst the Starkiller jumped off her bike, and used her lightsabre to firstdeflect the blasts from the other enemy trooper's bike gun, then cut the bike in half, before the other trooper met the same fate as his partner, saying weakly, "That hurts."
"Guess the oak's on them," said Daria, her Mona Lisa grin in one piece.
Quinn had been laying in the grass, having jumped off her speeder, and was waking up, when she heard someone say, "Cool, you ain't hurt. Saw you laying down, and thought you crashed."
Looking up, the princess saw standing near, a long reheaded man, in leathers and fur vests, who grinned and said, "How you doin'? Name's Jesse 'Wicket' Moreno of The Mystik Earaches."
"Hi, name's Quinn," said Quinn, "princess of Rebel fashions, and we could use your help."
"Cool," said Jesse."We criminales were born to be ready to help."
"Not for long," said a livid Imperial trooper, who had just jumped out from a nearby bush. "Frezze, I mean freeze, you Rebel scum!!"
"Hey, we ain't got anything scummy on me," said Jesse. "Some body odor, maybe, but scum? Nope. Maybe I should shower."
"Tell it to the judge!!" said the trooper. "I got a wife and seven children to support, so do me a favour and allow me to run you in."
But whilst Jesse occupied the trooper's attention, Quinn came from behind and blasted in the back of the careless Imperial who fell down, gasping in his dying breath, "Rats.......there goes my pay."
"Cool," said Jesse in admiration. "You're a born criminale, for a shallow lady. Listen, why don't you come with me to our village and we'll treat you to some pizza?"
"You've got no idea, how much I've missed that," said the princess, before she went off with Jesse.
Emerging from the bushes, Daria met up with Sandi and the rest, the fashion pirate saying, "Where's Quinn?"
"Wasn't she with you?" said the Starkiller. "Must've went off looking for those shopping malls."
"Not without me, she can't," said Sandi. "Get your card, Tiffy, we'll beat her to it."
"I think we just did," said the Cookiee, who was pointing to something ahead and ran off.....to a collection of glossy schunchies stuck on a pole in the centre of a square of burlap sheeting in a clearing. "See how it sparkles......."
Before anyone could stop her, Tiffbacca ran up to the spike with the scrunchies, the others following, all standing on the burlap square.
"Why would anyone just stick some of that in the middle of nowhere?" said Kevin Detoo.
"You just don't get it, do you?" said Brittpio. "It's some promotional gimmick for those outlet shopping stores."
"In that case," said Tiffy, "let's grab them before the other shoppers get dibs on them." With one hand, she reached out and pulled off the scrunchies.........and the burlap square pulled up into a bag on a rope, hanging 7 feet from the surface.
"I did a boo boo," said a mournful Cookiee. "I could kick myself."
"Slick move, Tiffy," charged Sandi, "always thinking with fashion on the brain."
"Well you do it too, Sandi," shot back Tiffy.
"Can anyone get my light sabre?" said Daria. "I think it's in my hip pocket."
"No need," said Kevin, "I got my Ginsu rotory blade on hand." For a moment, there was a buzzzing sound, and then the bottom of the burlap bag tore open and the rebels fell out, crashing on the ground.
"See?" said the QB droid. "Works every time."
"A five point landing," said Brittpio.
Suddenly, the five were surrounded and beset by several Mystik Earaches, among them, Trent Teebo Lane, his bow and arrow aimed at the group, as were all the others' arrows, the afformentioned Trent saying, "Freeze, you facsist pigs!! You've been nicked, thinkin' you Imperial officers can tresspass on our turf!!"
"Now just a minute!!" said the Starkiller. "We don't even know your names."
"The name's Trent Teebo Lane," said Trent, "and with me, some of us Mystik Earaches, although we may change the name. Over here's Max, the original criminale, and then there's Nick."
"Hiya," said Nick.
"We're criminales, you know," said Max. "You go up against The Earaches, we'll bring you down....." Then, upon spotting Brittpio, he said, "Whoa!! Is that who I think it is?"
"I'll say," said Nick, "it's the rock goddess come, just as the Alternapalozza prophecy said."
"Rock goddess?" said a shocked Brittpio. "Me?!? But I was programmed for cheerleading, not playing a goddesshead."
"You just can't keep a secret, can you?" said Trent, who directed his words to his fellow Earaches: "The propehcy is here, so let's truss up these Imperial spies and prepare them for our rockin' sacrifice to our Rock Goddess."
"Now just a minute!!" hotly protested Daria as she was strung up and trussed on a pole. "We're by no means with The Empire, if it's what you're hinting at!! We came to stop their pirate station!!"
"A likely story," said Nick.
So with nearly everyone bound on ropes, save for Brittpio, who was on a throne and hoisted up high, the Earaches carried their slung and bound captives down the road, Sandi protesting, "You can't do that to a fashion pirate!! We've got our rights!!"
"Wait till The Spice Girls hear of it!!" said Tiffbacca.
"Babe," said Kevin, "you OK?"
"So far," said Brittpio, who looked over everything from her throne and said, "If Robby The Robot could see me now......"
High up in the tallest trees, was the Earache village, populated by lovers of classic rock, anime and the lot, The Yardbirds' Heart Full Of Soul playing on a wireless radio, as Trent and his Mystik Earaches set the trussed up victims in the centre of the largest square of the village and set up their amplifiers and speakers all around the rebels, along with their drums and guitars and basses. Brittpio, on the other hand, was set off to one side with her throne, next to the other side.....and that was when the Earache chieftain and medicine lady, Monique Logray stepped out and said to Trent, "So, you've got some of those Imperial spies."
"An' just in time for the sacrifice," said Trent, "because our rock goddess came back at last."
Staring at the cheer droid, Monique said, "So she did, huh? Well, Trent, that is good news for the Alternapalooza community. You and the guys get ready, and when I give you the word, you play Ow, My Face at 112 decibels--that'll finish off those spies faster than you can say Playboy Bunny."
"But I tell you," said Brittpio testily,"I ain't no rock goddess and my friends ain't with The Empire, not to mention spies."
"Listen, you tellin' me to do my job?!?" shot back Monique. "Well, don't!! It irritates me when people tell me how I should!! Not when I got two things--my headache and a special friend here." Turning to her nearby hut, she called, "Come on out, special friend."
Coming out from the hut, in a long white evening gown, was the beautiful princess known as Quinn.
"Quinn!!" said Daria and Sandi.
"Your highness!!" said Brittpio.
"Yay, Quinn!!" said Kevin.
"Where'd you get that outfit? It's so posh and fetching," said Tiffbacca.
"It's a Versace," said Quinn, "only, how come you got trussed up? You trying to play a bondage game here?"
"Qu-inn," said a testy Sandi, "those 'Earaches' think we're spies for the Empire, don't you get it?"
"SPIES?!?" said the princess who turned to Monique and said, "They're not spies, they're my friends!!"
"And all you're doing," said Monique, "is trying to come up with an alibi, just because you love facists, but it won't work."
Whilst Quinn argued with Monique, Daria said to Brittpio, "Tell them that if you don't drop the charges and set all free, you will work your magic."
"OK," said the cheer droid, "but I doubt it'll work." Turning to Monique, she said, "I don't meant to butt in, but if you don't set my friends free, I'll use my magic on you."
"After we're trying to please you with a sacrifice," said the indignant Monique, "you want those idiots free? You know how to spoil our fun."
It was at that moment, that Daria concentrated on using her Farce to levitate Brittpio, throne and all, up high in the air, the cheer droid squwaking, "YIPE!! What's happening?!? Help, Kevvy, get me down!!!!!!!"
Seeing that, the Earaches were transfixed, Trent saying, "Whoa........!! She is serious.....!!"
"Cool," said Jesse.
"I think we teed her off," said Nick.
"She's a real criminale," said Max.
"Uh, goddess," said Monique, "I hope I wasn't out of line when I said 'bout your friends as idiots, much less mistook them as Imperial spies......" To her fellow Earaches, she ordered, "Untie those people, they ain't spies!! Set them loose before our goddess files a lawsuit!!"
And untie they did, setting Daria and the rest free, the Starkiller discreetly setting Brittpio down, muttering, "Everyone out, main floor," then saying to the cheer droid, "Thanks, Brittpio."
"Uh, I didn't know I had it in me," said Brittpio. "What do you think, Kevvy?"
"Ain't there anything you can't do, babe?" said the QB droid.
Night, in the Earache village, but no-one could sleep. And no wonder because nearly everyone was piled in Monique's hut, as Daria and her fellow rebels were, whilst Tycoon's Such A Woman played, Brittpio, telling the tale of The Barksdale Empire's evil rule, and the rebels' past experiences, the cheer droid using sound effects now and then, even mimicking an Imperial Klunker at one point, and finally finishing with, "And we all lived unhappily ever after, unless something can be done to put those Imperial dum dums away for good."
"Well......," said Monique, "given the fact those Imperial jokers have been polluting our forest with their rubbish, beer cans, and noise with their pirate station, what the hey? Let's help these Rebels put them to shame, for the honour of classic rock and Dariaverse stalwarts all over!! To-morrow, we'll show them the best way to the station after we get some diet soda." Then to the Rebels, as Espionage's The Sound Of Breaking Hearts played, she said, "Consider yourselves honourary members of our tribe."
"Great," said Han Sandi, "we get to hang out with some weird unfashionable freaks.....but then, weird help is better than no help at all."
"At least they make great low fat sandwiches," said Tiffbacca.
Sneaking off to play tiddlywinks at the village terrace, Daria was in comptemplation until Quinn came and said, "What's the matter?"
"Listen," said the Starkiller, "at the risk of invading Universe Q, can you tell me if you knew your dad?"
"He.....," said Quinn, "died when I was a tiny girl, during one of his panic rants.......he was a bit bendable, but an ideal dad.......my mum, on the other hand, had the makings to be a lawyer, but she had that cell 'phone with her most of the time. And a bit hotheaded."
"Well there's a reason for it," said Daria, a bit hesitantly. "She's also my mother--and Darth Helen, one and the same, no lie."
"Darth Helen?!!!!?? Your mum?!?" said Quinn. "Then that means......."
"......that you're also my sister, not my cousin or whatever, nor visiting exchange student, etcetra," replied Daria, her grin evident.
"I wondered why we had the same last name," said the princess, who was blushing and crying at the same time. "EW!!!!! I got a brain for a sister!! I wonder.......is it Dar(ia) Wars or East Enders?"
"Deja vu. Well, you won't for long," said the Starkiller. "She's here on Ending, and I've got to meet up and confront her."
"No, Daria," said Quinn fearfully. "Run away, far away, where she can't get you.....!!"
"Where to?" said Daria.
"How 'bout the Fountainbleu in Miami?" said Quinn.
"Nope, I've got to confront her," said the Starkiller. "I got to, to prove she's still got some good in her, to complete my Cynic training, to do so......."
"......for the sake of the parody, I know," said the princess. "Just hurry back, OK? Anything for the sake of so many Dariaverse and Star Wars fans out there."
"Will do," said Daria, grinning her Mona Lisa grin before she and Quinn hugged and kissed, then the Starkiller ran off, her voice of "Hi, ho, silver, away," fading in the night mist, the princess crying, just as Sandi showed up, saying, "So, here's where you've been. Quinn, what's with the crying jag?"
"Just hold me Sandi," wept Quinn. "We've got a long day ahead."
"And how," said the fashion pirate, who complied with the princess' request and added, "I take it that was your sister that ran off just now. Which means she's on her way to confront Darth Helen."
"Yup," said Quinn.
"I just hope Daria knows what she's doing," said Sandi a bit wistfully.
"Probably not," said Quinn, "but it's never stopped her before........"
Early morning in another part of the forest, the faint sounds of The Alan Parsons Project's Wouldn't Want To Be Like You playing from the landed shuttle on the landing pad, near the pirate station and its sheild generator. Below the pad, was an elevator and its docking section for the approaching Imperial Klunker. And on a catwalk was Lady Darth Helen, rambling in her cell 'phone. "No, Eric," she said, "it's NOT all of Rayleen Fry's friends gallop like horses, and all of Sukey Clopman's friends play teatherball, it's the other way around. Listen, I got to go, here comes my daughter. And remember to put down 50,000 Imperial credits on The Battle Of Ending, in favour of The Empire."
The Klunker came to a stop just as Helen hung up, and the side hatch of the machine pened, and out stepped a manacled Daria, with a few troopers and Imperial Tom Anderson, who said, "We found a rebel here, searching in our rubbish cans and whilst she denies it, she came alone, looking for Mister Goodbar, and was armed with only a lightsabre."
Taking the sabre handed her, Helen said, "Well........, a relic worthy for the eBay seal of approval. I'll take it from here now, and you can continue your search for the other rebels--oh, and take an extra coffee break, you've earned it."
Whilst the officer and the troops cheered and went off, muttering over looking foward to an extra coffee break, The Dark Lady said to the Starkiller, "So........you've come to me.......the Empress is waiting for you.......I hope you got me a Mother's Day card....."
"I know and I did.......Mum," said Daria in her deadpan way.
"So you believe in the truth," gloated Helen. "Took you long to do that, eh?"
"Maybe," said Daria, "and I also believe you were Helen Morgendorffer, laywer extrodinaire."
"Whoopie do," said The Spit Lady. "That job's got no meaning to me."
"It's the job of your real self," said the Starkiller. "You put Judge Judy to shame with your lawyer talents."
Turning her attention to her daughter's lightsabre, Helen said, "I see you've constructed a new lightsabre." Igniting it, she marveled at its construction, saying, "And it's a neon green light blade. Indeed you skills have improved the last time we met. The Empress will certainly give you The Mark Hamill Seal Of Approval. And you even monogrammed you initials in the side."
"Listen, you," said Daria, "I said that your lawyer job was the job of your real self. I can sense the real good in you, which is why you won't take me to the Empress--just as you never took me to Vegas for my birthday."
"That job," said Helen, who turned off the sabre, "is past history so it holds no meaning for me. You can't go home again. Out with the old and in with the new. I turned over a new leaf when I became the Empress' new apprentice, so I must obey my mistress--so what if the dark side's still got a toe hold on me?"
"Come with me, Mum," said the Starkiller. "I can get you a new lease of life as the producer for a new reality show."
"Same old Daria," said Helen. "Obi Jane always thought you were the misery type. But no!! I got a TIE Advanced X1 and a Def Starr as upkeep. I got an Empire and several bills to pay..........it is too late for me, daughter. You underestimate the power of the dark side, if not the bad enconomy and the debts I've been trying to deal with."
"Then my mum is dead," said Daria, just as several troopers stepped in to bring her to a nearby elevator, "well, not dead, dead, but dead on the inside, yet living on the outside......you get the idea...................."
"I get the point already," said The Dark Lady, "so get going to the shuttle!! Next stop, The Def Starr!!"
Back at the planet Sullen, the Lawndale Rebel fleet was geared up and ready for their part in the raid, The Edgar Winter Group's Free Ride playing, whilst in the Revolution 9's bridge, Amanda Lane said to Jodie Ackbar Landon, "With apologies to Mills Lane, no relation, let's get it on!!"
Turning to a radio, Jodie said into it, "You heard Amanda, let's rock and ride!! Home 1 to Gold Leader, report in."
Among the big ships were X wings, Y wings, A wings and B wings led by the Millennium Diva, piloted by General Stacy Calrissian Rowe, her new copilot Stewart Numb from Highland at her side, the general saying, "All set, Home 1, let's send those Imperials home to cry."
"And soon," said Stewart.
"All craft prepare for hyperspace on my mark," said Jodie, "and make sure you look both ways before you cross the street."
"On it," said Stacy, just before the Diva and all the other ships zoomed into lightspeed.
Morning, on the moon of Ending, when Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany, Kevin, Brittpio, Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max stood before the Imperial pirate staion and its sheild generator, the faint sounds of Hot Chocolate's Every 1's A Winner playing inside.
"So how do we get in, when they got a UNWELCOME doormat at their back door?" said Quinn.
"Believe me," said Sandi, "me and Tiffy have gotten tougher places like....."
".........the back door of J.J. Jeeters." said Tiffbacca.
"A back door.......," said Trent. "Me and the guys used to do that at the Ending Zon for a sneak peek at the Kiss concerts......maybe there's a back door in the station."
"A back door," said the fashion pirate. "That was how we did it........let's get the rest of our rebel troops, and do it for fashion."
Arriving at the bunker doors which were stenciled with the words NO REBELS ALLOWED, SCRAM!! PROP. OF THE BARKSDALE EMPIRE, were two troopers at their speeder bikes, doing the disco dance to Kenny Loggins' Footloose, when Trent ran from the cover and jumped on one of the bikes and sped off.
"HEY!!" yelled one of the troopers. "You nicked my bike!! Bring back my bike!! I haven't finished paying for it!!" Then he jumped onto the other bike and rocketed off...until he found out the hard way that Trent had aimed the bike he was riding into the trooper's direction and jumped off....and then both bikes crashed into each other, the trooper moaning, "Wouldn't you know it....."
"Not bad, for a crimininale," said Sandi, who led the other rebel troops to surround the other trooper, who said, "YIPE!! A bust!!"
After dealing with the trooper, Sandi entered the stolen code to open the doors, which led in a dark hallway.
"It's soooooooooooooo dark and scary," said Tiffbacca.
"Never mind, Tiffy," said the fashion pirate, "it's time to shoot the moon, just like Sgt. Stedenko."
"And bust some pot heads at the same time, ew," said Quinn.
Within the bowels of The Def Starr, the door of the tower elevator lift opened and Darth Helen and the manacled Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer, stepped into the throne room of the Empress Barch, who was on her throne, as she said to her red robed Imperial Guard troopers flanking the lift, "You two, take a coffee break." Then after they departed, she gestured to Daria whose binders fell off, then said, "Welcome, Morgendorffer. I've been expecting you, as if you had no idea. In time you will be one of the popular prestige seeking Bollywood superstars yearning for a pat on the back and an award statuette, after you call me mistress."
"Listen, I may call you a lot of stuff," said the Starkiller, "but mistress? No way."
"You willing to bet on that?" said Barch, tauntingly. "You willing to seek out a........MAN, and reject the ways of the Take Back The Night programme? You willing to throw all that away for a few measly Imperial creds a week?"
"What do you think?" said Daria, her Mona Lisa grin omnipresent.
"Her lightsabre," said Helen, who handed the Empress, Daria's weapon; Barch looked it over and said, "Much like your mum's.......right down to the monogram and the rechargable nicad batteries........likely to win the Ebay Seal Of Approval.......if you only knew you mum can never be turned from the dark side, so keep it in mind, Daria.....or is that Diarrhea.....? I heard some people used to call you that when you were growing up, right, Diarrhea? Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha, Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha...........I sense the rage building up in you........use your lightsabre to wipe me out, I am unarmed........anything to continue our parody here.......!!"
"No thanks," said the Starkiller, who was embarrassingly trying to calm down, with a red face, no less. "You know I'd never sell out to losers like you........but i can cut fresh flowers for you, change the sheets for you and make the wine cold for you........"
"Just as I thought," gloated the Empress. "Well, let's cut to the chase--your rebel fashion lovers happen to be walking into a trap--and so is your fleet."
"Oh great," said Daria, looking downcast. "Well, there goes the best laid plans."
"Right said, Diarrhea," sneered Janet Barch. "It was I that spilled the info on the myspace page to the Oakwoodites when it came to the location of the pirate station sheild generator; it's quite safe as Trump's bank account, because an entire legion of my finest troops, with The Gavin De Becker Seal Of Approval awaits them, which means the sheild will be up when the fleet arrives--so those hopeful to bomb The Def Starr may be forced to eat crow."
Her grin fading, the Starkiller muttered, "The end to a perfect day."
With Laaz Rockit's Fire In The Hole playing throughout, and on the Imperial pirate station as well, the staff were taken by surprise when Han Sandi, Tiffbacca, Quinn and the rest of the rebel troops stormed the inside of the control bunker, the fashion pirate shouting, "All right, FREEZE!! IT'S A BUST!! PARTY'S OVER!! YOU, MOVE OVER THERE!!"
"Oh, rats," said one of the Imperial officers, "just when we were ready to break out the Coronas."
Quinn had reached the main control panel decorated with lit up beer lights and spotted a screen depicting a computer generated tracking map of The Def Starr, thousands of blinking blips coming in from the left of the screen and approaching The Def Starr. "Sandi, hurry!!" she said. "The fleet will be here any moment, if not sooner!!"
"Let's use the boom booms, fast!!" said Sandi. "Otherwise Stacy's going to have a cryfit."
Outside the bunker station, Kevin, Brittpio, Trent and Jesse had been keeping a lookout, when hordes of Imperial officers and troopers, carrying signs that read REBELS GO HOME!! WE DON'T WANT YOUR KIND HERE!! and SCRAM, REBELS!! led by Imperial officer Jiggy, were running inside the entrance.
"EEP!!" wailed Brittpio. "Oh no!! They'll be captured!! What a day!!"
"What a day is right," said Kevin. "How worse can it get?"
"Much worse, unless we step in and plan a surprise for those Imperial sods," said Trent.
"Let's do it," said Jesse, "and show The Empire what we Earaches were born to do."
"Cool," said Kevin. "Let's go." And with that, he, Trent and Jesse ran off, the fearful Brittpio, running after them, squawking, "Wait for me!! Where you going......?!!? EEP!!"
Inside, the troops, far too many to fight, had surrounded the rebels, one officer shouting, "FREEZE!!"
"Freeze yourself," said Tiffy, as she shoved the hapless officer over the rail that overlooked the shaft, the officer shouting, "HELP!! I got the shaft!!" But the move was only short live as the troops got the worst of Sandi and the rest, Officer Jiggy saying, "You fashion rebel scum......you're nicked."
"Now just a minute!!" protested Sandi. "there's no scum on our bodies."
"Uh, Sandi," said Quinn, "we've been through that before."
For the moment, Sandi and the rest had been the Lawndale Rebellion's last hope.......and they had failed....or had they?
Laaz Rockit's Fire In The Hole continued to play as the rebel fleet emerged from lightspeed and head for The Def Starr. Inside the flagship, Jodie said, "OK, we're here, all wings report in."
"Red Leader, standing by," said Elsie Sloane.
"Gold Leader, standing by," said Stacy Calrissian Rowe.
"Green Leader, standing by," said Tom Sloane Antilles.
"Gray Leader, standing by," said Dave Van Driessen, "only how does one get free from the chicken outfit? I wasn't born for war."
"You knew the job was dangerous when you took it," said Stacy. "All X wings and B wings lock X foils in war formation, and stuff like that."
After the wings folded out from within the X wings and B wings, Jodie Ackbar said, "May The Farce be with us....and so may be Lloyds Of London insurence be with us as well."
Onboard the Millennium Diva, Stewart said to Stacy, "You sure we're getting a reading on that sheild? Maybe a virus infected our tracking computers."
"Can't be," said Stacy., "we just updated our Norton antivirus for 2008."
"In that case," said Stewart, "we must've gotten jammed."
"Jammed?" said Stacy. "How could we be jammed unless those Imperial fatheads knew.........we were coming......they must've eavesdropped on myspace!!" Bursting into tears, she said in the radio, "Break off the raid, the sheild's still up!!"
"What?" said Tom. "Well, we sure wasted a lot of fuel for you to tell everyone that!!"
Onboard the Revolution 9, Mon Amanda Lane exclaimed, "Houston, I mean Admiral, we've got a problem--thousands of Imperial fighter ships, Star Destroyers and one big fat Super Star Destroyer coming in from the far side of the ship, with billions of Imperials shouting 'Yankee, go home!!'"
"IT'S A TRAP!!" said Jodie. "Well, there goes the neighbourhood!!"
Seeing the enemy fleet closing in, Stacy said, "Fighters, coming in, and boy, those pilots look mean!!" And that was when billions of Imperial TIE fighters, Interceptors and Advanced X1s, with the Star Destroyers and the Super Star Destroyer behind them, burst loose, their pilots shouting, "MURDER, MURDER, DEATH, DEATH!!"
Outside the bunker, thousands of Imperials, from troopers to officers, some with their Imperial Scout Klunkers, all booing and hissing at Quinn, Sandi, Tiffbacca and the other Rebels as the rest of The Empire's finest escorted them out--until Brittpio popped out from behind a bush and went into her cheer routine, jumping, cartwheeling and cheering, "Inka dink, a bottle of ink, the fact is, The Empire doth stink. Fraidy cat, fraidy cat, going to break the Empress' back. Shame, shame, shame, shame, everyone knows your name. The Empire's for sissies, The Empire's for sissies!!"
"HEY!!" yelled one of the officers. "No-one calls us sissies and gets away with it!! Get her, troops!!" before gesturing to the troopers to do just that.
"Well, they're on their way," said the cheer droid to Kevin Detoo--until the troopers surrounded them, their leader saying, "Lucky we took a short cut."
"EEP!!" said Brittpio. HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!"
"What're you doing, acting like a fool?!?" said a second trooper.
"Give up?" said a third trooper. "Say 'uncle.'"
"NO!! NO!!" shouted a new voice, belonging to Trent, with hordes of Earache warriors in tow, in addition to Nick, Jesse and Max coming out from the woodwork. "DON'T SAY 'UNCLE' YET!!" Soon the Earaches were all over the Empire's finest as Adam Ant's Apollo 9 played, resulting in a mish mash melee all over the forest--and that was when a handful of Imperial officers ran back in the bunker and slammed the door whilst blowing raspberries.
"Oh, great," said Tiffbacca, "they took off in there without saying goodby."
Running to the door panel, Sandi tried entering the stolen code in the keypad, but no luck, saying, "Great, they not only changed the code, they also fixed it so that we can't use our credit card trick."
"Those Imperials know how to hurt someone," moaned Quinn. "Wait--KEVIN!! GET OVER HERE!!"
"Hang on, we're coming!!" said Kevin, with Brittpio following and saying, "Hang on, help is on its way!!"
Meanwhile the battle raged on, with the Earaches dropping rocks on the Imperials, tripping up their Scout Klunkers and bikes, even throwing pies in the faces of the enemy and blaring their heavy metal music in their faces with big speakers, one reeling trooper muttering, "I'll be hard of hearing for days."
Back at the bunker, Sandi was using a bobby pin to bridge the circuit, muttering, "Here goes," only for the panel to spark and a sheild door with the words REBELS GO HOME to slam over the first door, prompting the pirate to say, "Great another tough door to deal with."
Back up in the folds of space, the battle with the Rebels and the Empire was kicking it up a notch, with Falco's The Commissioner playing, when Stacy noticed inactivity from the Executive Super Star Destroyer and its other Star Destroyer, one of them with an OUT TO LUNCH sign, and she said to Stewart, "Wonder why the Star Destroyers ain't taking part in the battle?"
"Can't you see the sign?" said Stewart. "They're out to lunch."
Inside the Executive's bridge, several of the officers were feasting on Subway sandwiches, before Admiral Leslie Gupty said to Imperial officer Tori Jericho, "Tell the ships to stay here, oh, and pass me the mustard."
"How come the fighters get to have all the fun and we don't?" said Tori.
"Didn't you see the sign?" said Leslie. "We're out to lunch. Besides, I got my orders from the Empress, that she's got something planned for the Rebels, there we're to be a roadblock aginst those Rebels."
"Why do I get the feeling," said Tori, "that we don't stand a chance?"
Up in the tower of The Def Starr, Daria could see the battle raging, with Barch and Helen at her side, the Starkiller saying, "Great, The Empire, 13, The Rebels, zero."
"As you can see, Diarrhea," gloated Barch, "your no account art friends have failed, just like a bad year rubber horseshoe.......now witness the full power and 70,000 wattage of our fully armed and operation station......" Turning to an intercom, the Empress spoke into it: "Fire at will, Eric."
"Won't Will get hurt?" said Eric.
"Just do it, huh?" hissed Barch.
"Roger that," said Eric. After that several sound techs readied their mixing boards, and at his DJ turntables was The Spatula Man, who said, "We goin' to rock," before starting his turntables to play on The Def Starr's speaker, Vision Of Love, sung by Mariah Carey, which caused one of the rebel ships to explode under the excessive bass pulses and the heavy decibels of sound pressure level vibrations.
From the cockpit of the Millennium Diva, Stewart saw what had happened and blurted out, "One of our star cruisers blew up bye bye under Mariah Carey!!"
"That sound pulse came from The Def Starr.......that thing's operational with bigger subwoofers, no less!!" said Stacy, who turned to her wireless radio and said, "Home one, it's Gold Leader!!"
Inside her ship, Admiral Jodie said, "We saw it!! All craft prepare to retreat!!"
"We ain't getting another chance, you know that," said Stacy. "Sides, only cowards turn tail, and I refuse to play crybaby."
"We've got no choice!!" fumed Jodie. "Our ships can't handle sound pressure level of such magnitude!! Who wants to be deaf for life?"
"Sandi will get that sheid down," said Stacy, "we've got to give her more time, plain and simple."
"You think so?" said Jodie.
"I know so," replied Stacy.
Back on The Def Starr tower throne room, Daria was fuming until she said, "You know, it's bad enough to use a weapon on the Rebels, but when it comes to using Mariah Carey, THAT is going too far." With that, she stuck out her hand and her lightsabre, which had been on the Empress Barch's lap, flew into the Starkiller's hand, igniting instantly, before she said, "I hope you don't mind giving you the unkindest cut of all," then swung the blade down on Janet.........only for Helen's ignited sabre blade to deflect her daughter's blow, the Dark Lady saying, "Show some respect for my mistress here."
"Now why didn't I see that happen?" said Daria.
"Never mind, just get it on," said the Lady of The Spit. "Time we added another pay per view event as an extra bonus."
"If you insist.......," said the Starkiller, as she and Helen went at it, toe to toe, as Survivor's Eye Of The Tiger played, jumping up on over hang catwalks, hiding out behind control panels, the lot as they went toe to toe with each other.
"You thought you were lucky the last time we dueled," said Helen, "but I'll ensure I come out the winner."
"How?" said Daria. "You plan to cut off my other hand?"
"Far from it," said the Dark Lady. "I may cut off your mouth for your bad talk and bollocks. Remember, it's how Jane died--well, for you, you got off easy, because my good side won out--I wager a 88% chance that it'll be my dark side that'll triumph."
"And it's going to be tough which side's likely to win out," said the Starkiller, who had jumped up to a higher catwalk.
"Once agin," said Helen, "you underestimate the power of the dark side, if not lack of respect for your parent--and worse still, you're unwise to lower your defences!!" On that word, she tossed her sabre which cut off the catwalk supports and Daria tumbled into the dark recesses beneath, the Dark Lady now searching in the shadows saying, "Come out from there and fight like a woman.......!!"
With De La Soul's Me, Myself & I playing in the background, Tiffbacca, with Trent and Jesse at her side, were up a tree, when they saw a line of Scout Klunkers pass by blasting their cannons, and Trent said, "Let's crash their party, Mystik style."
"Cool," said Jesse.
"Why not?" said Tiffy; after the two Mystik Earaches mounted her shoulders, the Cookiee took a rope and swung on it, doing a breathy Tarzan yell, landing on the top of the third Klunker, and rapping on the roof. Beneath that, one of the troopers said, "Who is it?"
"Fuller Brush lady," said Tiffy.
"Huh?" said the trooper as he stuck his head out--and the Cookiee, Trent and Jesse pulled him out and tossed him out, Trent saying, "I'll make YOU say 'Uncle!!'" before doing the same to the other pilot. After that, they took the controls, Tiffy saying, "Fancy a joyride, boys?"
"Let's rock and ride," said Trent.
"Cool," said Jesse.
So the trio piloted the Klunker, blasting at all the other Klunkers, scoring points and winning prizes; when the other Earaches saw that, they rallied behind Tiffbacca, thus turning the tide in the battle and racking up ratings in the pay per view events.
Back at the bunker, Kevin Detoo had arrived with Brittpio and plugged into a side socket, saying, "Norton Antivirus, don't fail me now." But before he had gotten past the weather reports, one Imperial trooper said, "Hey!! Don't cheat, and blasted the QB droid, causing fireworks to blast out from his head, and plastic birdies on springs to sprout from his head before he fell down on his side.
"EEP!!" wailed Brittpio. "Kevvy, why'd you have to be brave?!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
"Everything I do.......," gasped Kevvy, "I.....do for you........"
That was when the same trooper blasted and injured Quinn in the arm, causing her to crumble.
"Quinn!!" said Sandi. "Where'd that devil get you?"
"In the arm," said Quinn. "Don't worry over me, it's just a flesh wound, besides, I got Blue Cross." Focusing her attention, Quinn blasted the trooper, saying, "That was a stupid thing to do,"..........until a bad breathed Imperial officer showed up with his gun, aimed it at Sandi and barked, "Stick 'em up!! You're nicked, Rebel sods, an' don't you forget it......did I get it right?"
Turning to Quinn, Sandi could only say, "I love you," and the princess replied, "I know."
"Huh?" said the officer. "What kind of rubbish does that mean?"
"Here's what it means, you bastard," said Quinn, who jumped from behind Sandi and shot the officer point blank before saying, "Uh, Sandi, we'll need more than our pistols to stop that."
Already, Sandi could see just what the fashion princess was referring to--an Imperial Scout Klunker that had just walked up to the group; the fashion pirate, Quinn and Brittpio readied their blasters, Sandi saying, just watch my back to the end, partners.....," until the hatch opened and out popped Tiffbacca, Trent and Jesse.
"Tiffy!!" said the fashion pirate, "You gave everyone a scare!!"
"Sorry," said the Cookiee, "but how do you like our new jalopy? If we paint it with pink paint and bling with some Hannah Montana decor, we'll be all the rage."
"Never mind that," said Sandi, "get over here, Quinn's injured.....wait, I got a better idea."
"The least you could do," said Brittpio, "is make up your mind."
Back in space, The Def Starr's subwoofer almost blasting ship after ship to the beat of Blue Murder's Valley Of The Kings, as Stacy piloted the Millennium Diva closer to the Star Destroyers, saying, "Move your ships in closer to the Destroyers!! That way, The Def Starr can't use its noise pollution without taking out their own ships!!"
"You know," said Stewart, "I've got a bad case of ship sickness."
"Then take some Dramamine," said Stacy, who also muttered, "Come on, Sandi, don't let me down, and I don't mean The Beatles....."
Back on The Def Starr, Helen, the Dark Lady Of The Spit was searching in every nook and cranny for Daria who hid under the catwalk. "Come on, Daria," said the Spit Lady, "sooner or later you've got to come out of there, if not for the sake of the parody, then for your sake, as well as your.......?"
"Oh-oh," muttered the Starkiller, "my Freudian slip's showing....."
"So it is, eh?" said The Dark Lady. "Sister.......sister.....?!? So.......you've got a fashion crazy sister.......TWINS!! I wondered why you two shared the same surname.......I remember now.....Obi Jane taking my first daughters from me.......after we fought over a dispute........she was wise to hide that from me and beat me to the cover of Rolling Stone, but now her mistake is complete!! No matter; if you can't be turned to fortune, fame, and all things Hollywood as well as cyberbullying, then maybe QUINN will........"
"OK, that does it," muttered Daria, "to quote Popeye, that is all I can stand, I can't stand NO MORE!!" On that, she jumped out, her sabre blazing, and with 247 Spyz' Grandma Dynomite playing, she went into Helen like a Viking on a rampage, slashing her with her green sabre, the Dark Lady saying, "Ouch!! Take it easy!! How dare you strike you mum like that? I could ground you for that!!"
"Well, ground my lightsabre!!" barked the Starkiller who used the farce to snare her mother's lightsabre and turn it off and clip it onto her belt......before with one big swing, cut off Helen's machine hand which clattered to the floor, the Dark Lady moaning, "You how much I paid for that hand?"
With Daria staring at her own machine hand that replaced the one she had lost, the Empress Barch came from behind, laughing and saying, "Game set, Daria.......your mother was my right hand woman, but with your help, she's got no right hand, so you may take her place--with apologies to Mortal Kombat, FINISH HER!!"
"What?" said Helen, weakly. "After all the dirty work I did for you after so many years, you play fair weather friend on me? What gratitude!!"
"What did you expect?" said Barch, "a date with The Blue Man Group? Finish her, Daria!!"
Turning off her sabre and placing it back on her belt, the Starkiller said, "No thanks, I'd rather die first. Besides, I'll never turn to the dark side, nor to cyberbullying, nor even to Hollywood debauchery and all that fourtune and fame rubbish. You've failed, your so called Highness......I am a Cynic Knight, like my mum was before me, only I'd rather be no lawyer."
Hearing that, Barch turned to sullen rage, stating, "Once a man lover, always a man lover. If I can't have you, I'll ensure not even MTV's The Real World will hire you. So be it.......Cynic......."
Inside the sheild bunker, as The Trashmen's Surfing Bird played, the staff laid around, until a distirted image of a trooper came onscreen saying, "We've won!! We've scared off those bloody Rebels and those mussed up Earaches and we need renforcements, along with the fact we just got some crates of Chianti we stole from them!!"
"Chianti?" said Officer Jiggy. "Let's open the door, and I don't mean Richard!! Where's my corkscrew?"
You can imagine the bunker staff and The Empire's finest, when they came out, only to be confronted by a group of livid Rebels, Earaches, and a few fashion girls, including Han Sandi, who was atop an Imperial scout Klunker, its guns aimed at the luckless Imperials, the fashion pirate saying, "2000, zero, zero, party over, oops, out of time."
"Rats," said Jiggy, "and I had my mouth all set for some Chianti."
Within seconds, Sandi and her Rebels were planting countless Betty Boop alarm clocks with bombs attatched to them; after winding up the last one and setting it near the sheild controls, Sandi called out, "All of you, make like The King Of Pop and beat it!!"
Instantly everyone ran for it, the fashion pirate the last one to exit and run for shelter; one minute after that, all the clocks were ringing their bells.......and then the bombs went off, the explosions demolishing the bunker and the sheild generator, the transmitting antennae next to a sign reading NOW MARKED FOR URBAN RENEWAL exploding as well.
Meanwhile, in The Def Starr, the Empress Janet Barch glowered at Daria and said, "So, you'd rather die first? Normally, I don't do requests, but if you wish.......if you refuse to be turned, you will be obliterated." Lifting her left hand along with her right, Barch shot out blue white coloured bolts of lighting that engulfed the Starkiller who crumbled and yelled, "HELP!! HELP!! AHH!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"If all that high voltage don't finish you," snarled Barch, "your electric bill will."
"More like it's tickling me.......!!" said Daria. "Mum!! Help me, Mum, for the love of Perry Mason, help me and show your good side for sure.......!!"
"Bloody idiot!!" roared the Empress. "Only now do you understand the dark side of The Farce, the Hollywood lifestyle of fortune and fame, cyberbullying and fashion....you paid a price for your lack of vision and love for The Zen, now pay the price in full, even if it means using your ATM card--YOU WILL DIE!!!!"
Despite Barch blasting further bolts into her, the Starkiller called out, "Mum, help me!! She's likely to turn Quinn into a fashion freak for sure, if not me!! MUM!!!!!!!"
"You know," said Helen to Barch, "It's bad enough you make me do evil, but when you shock my older daughter and plan to make a Hollywood star out of my other daughter, you've gone too far!! DIE!!" With that, she stumbled and picked up the surprised Empress up high above her, Barch jolting bolts into the Dark Lady's heart and life supports, before tossing the Empress down the reactor shaft, Barch shouting, "Just you wait!! You're going to hear from my lawyers........!!!!" After that, there was an explosion that roared back up the shaft before Daria pulled her mother to safety, holding her, a Mother's Day Card in one hand, as the Starkiller said, "I knew there was good in you."
"Not only that," said Helen, "I never could stand her man hating ways anyhow."
Onboard the Revolution 9, Admiral Jodie Landon Ackbar turned to a wireless com and spoke into it: "The sheild is down!! All of you start your strike on The Def Starr, before we all wind up def--er, deaf....well you get the idea, I hope!!"
"Roger that!!" cheered Stacy. "WHOO-HOO!! That was my girl, Sandi!! All ships, kick Imperial bottom and that reactor button to caaw-blooie The Def Starr!!"
"Let's listen to tunes," said Stewart.
Turning on her play Stacy soon had Van Halen's Dance The Night Away giving her, Tom and Elsie Sloane and the other Rebels in the mood to zoom down the shaft with the sign that said, DO NOT ENTER. IMPERIALS AT WORK, speeding down it with a TIE fighter or two chasing them, one of the pilots shoughting, "Hey you!! Come out of there!! You don't see us flying down YOUR private property!!"
Over many twists and turns and Interstate signs showing the way, Stacy and her Rebels blasted off the TIEs as they burrowed down the shaft, one pole almost clipping the dish antennae of the Millennium Diva.
"That was too close," said Stacy.
"And you promised Sandi not a scratch," said Stewart. "Oh-oh, better get Maaco."
Back on the Rebel capital ship, Jodie said in the wireless, "We've got to give our fellow party Rebels more time!! Concentrate all firepower on that Super Star Destroyer--it's obstructing our view of Ending!!"
One of the Rebel ships mad a beeline for the bridge tower of the Executive, as Admiral Leslie Gupty saw it and said, "Well, so much for retirement cheques...........must be Friday the 13th."
On that statement, the ship crashed theough the bridge windows and the Executive dove down, its front crashing into one side of The Def Starr which had been painted in a bullseye pattern, al la The Who.
For that matter,the explosion also shook up the inside of The Def Starr, especially in one of the hangars where Imperials were lugging boxes and household furniture and other possessions to their ships; among them was Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer, lugging her mother Helen, whose breathing was now laboured to one of the nearest shuttles. Upon reaching to ramp of one of those shuttles, they fell in exhaustion, the Dark Lady saying, "Daria, help me get my helmet off......I think I got helmet hair."
So the Starkiller did just that; upon removing the helmet, Helen's mane like hair spouted out, back to its original full size, Daria saying, "Seems to be still in bounce condition......Quinn's got me doing it."
"Must be the shampoo," said Helen, before she gave her daughter her cell 'phone adding, "Here......use that in good health........now.......hurry, my daughter.......l-leave me......"
"No....," said Daria, "you got to get back to your old lawyer job....in the words of 100 Proof Aged In Soul, I've come to save you."
"You already did, Daria," breathed the now former lady of The Spit, "besides, a lawyer's job is no bed of roses anyway, with so many people complaining.....besides, my cell was low on batteries....you were right..... you were right the whole time.......tell your sister........all my credit card can be hers now.......and that you were right......................." Her head falling back,Helen died on the spot, Daria saying, "Why is it that when you finally save someone, the victory is bittersweet?" Getting up, she helped her now deceased mother into the shuttle.
With Wierd Al's My Balogna playing, Stacy, piloting The Millennium Diva, led her fellow Rebels through the shaft and up to the reactor with on one side, a sign saying TO WIPE OUT THE DEF STARR, BREAK GLASS AND PUSH BUTTON, the switch behind a glass plate.
"Looks so big," said Tom Sloane Antilles. "How can we break the glass to hit that?"
"When we're packing heavy firepower, who cares?" said Stacy. "You start with your model store torpedoes and I'll follow it with some big bombs."
So Tom and his wingmates launched their torpedoes and peeled off back up the shaft, followed by Stacy who turned loose her cut rate bombs, all of which broke the glass and hit the red button; soon the reactor was in flames, falling apart, before the Diva flew back up the shaft, Stacy saying, "Fire in the hole!! Home one, The Def Starr's bound for Hell!! We're taking off faster than Geri Halliwell parting from The Spice Girls!!"
Turning to her wireless, Jodie spoke, "All ships move away from The Def Starr!! It's going to be a big caaw-blooie for sure!!"
The Millennium Diva rocketed off, Sir Elton John's Rocket Man playing, banking in narrow passages, evading the roaring flames, as did the rest of the Rebel fightercraft, before exiting the shaft and The Def Starr as well, Stacy saying, "Did anyone see my gift certificate for Subway?"
"I think you had it in your purse," said Stewart.
In one of the crumbling hangars of The Def Starr, one sign reading CONDEMNED in one of its walls, Daria, her mother at her side, piloted a stolen Imperial shuttle up and out from the hangr and out into space--before exploding flames rushed out from that hangar, the Starkiller saying, "No wonder the world economy is so fouled up--all that money wasted on useless weapons."
Soon as all craft were in safe distance, there was once again a huge CAAW-BLOOIE!!!!!!!!! onscreen as The Def Starr blew up in a super nova, for all in space--and on Ending to see; among those on the forest moon, were the Earaches, the Rebels, the jock droids, and three fashion females, one, a Cookie who said, "Good riddence to Imperial trash," a fashion pirate who was placing a band aid on the arm of the third, a former princess who said, "Caaw-blooie to youie, you mean Empire."
"I hope Daria got off before the big bang," said Sandi.
"She did, I felt it," said Quinn. "I just wish she'd stop tickling me....."
"Well, listen," said the fashion pirate, "when she gets back, I won't stand in her fashion disaster ways."
"She may be a fashion disaster," said Quinn, but she's my sister, no lie."
"Your sister?" said Tiffbacca. "Not your visiting exchange student?"
"Not your cousin or whatever?" said Sandi. "oh well, you can't win them all....I wondered why you two shared the same surname............."
"Deja vu," said Brittpio. "What do you think, Kevvy?"
"Go figure, babe," said the newly repaired Kevin Detoo. "Good thing it was my fuse box that got shot."
Night, on the forest moon of Ending, where Daria set her torch to the funeral pyre of her mother, helmet and all, before the whole thing burst into flames, the Starkiller muttering, "Girl, you're going to carry that weight.................bang.........." Looking up to the sky, she could see the embers of the flames drift up to the starry sky, the X wings streaking past, shooting off fireworks that formed Mickey Mouse and Popeye, and as The London Symphony Orchestra playing the Native American like half of the resolution theme before the ending theme could be heard as the scene changed to the city of Most Likely on Tattoo You, thounds of people all waving their shirts and shouting "GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!" and partying in the roadhouses..........to the capital city of Corpusle, where blimps flashing advertising lights now flashed, WE DOOD IT!! as people lit firecrackers.........to Clod City with the clod cars flying overhead, the staff from MTV's TRL covering the event........to the planet of Nabooboo, in the capital city of Thneed, thousands of people also partying and jamming in the palais, doing the frug, one wag, who will be nameless, shouting, "Wesa free!!"...........and at last, back on Ending, in the Earache village, the Mystik Earaches jamming on their instruments, as the Rebels, Earches and such partying with Kevin Detoo (now repaired) spiking an American football, See Brittpio doing her cheerleader stunts, cartwheels and splits, and Stacy, Tiffbacca, Han Sandi Griffin and Princess Quinn all making merry.....until Daria showed up and was greeted first by Stacy, then a blushing Sandi and then Quinn.......
"Well, that does it," said Quinn. "With The Barksdale Empire defunct, we can empty our lockers for the last time and collect our unemployment cheques."
"Not so fast," said the Starkiller, "now, we've got the prequels on how it all started in the first place--The Feminist Meanace, The Attack Of The Brains and The Revenge Of The Spit."
"At least we get to take a break as someone else gets to do the acting," said Tiffbacca. "Oh wait, I make a cameo apperence in The Revenge Of The Spit, I forgot that one."
"Only one thing," said Stacy, "who gets to be in those prequels?"
"We do," said the spectre of Obi Jane Kenobi, who was joined by the ghosts of Yodeling Amy and Helen, now in her Cynic robe, the Cynic mistress saying, "Easier and much more special effects, the prequels will be," and the now former Spit Lady saying, "If you ask me, George should've start with the first three instead of the last three."
"Something to do with spceial effects and audience interest," said Daria, who turned to Kevin and Brittpio and added, "Hey, don't forget, you're also going to be in the prequels."
"We will?" said Brittpio. "Well, here we go again, Kevvy......at least we ain't out of work."
"Yay!!" said Kevin, as he spiked his ball. "Dar(ia) Wars rocks!!" as the London Symphony Orchestra played the other half of the ending staff roll theme for The Return Of The Jedi, with the ending credits scrolled on the screen, bringing the promise of a new slew of prequels--and money............
Produced, arranged & directed by
Original Star Wars storyline by
Original Star Wars: The Return Of The Jedi
Produced & Directed by
Shot on location at
England, The Redwood Forests,
Glamis & Lawndale, U.S.A.
Daria courtesy of
Daria created by
The Pizza King, Chez Pierre, The Good Time
Chinese Emporium & Cluster Burger
Mad Dog Morgendorffer Protection Services
IRS Consultant (U.S.A.)
Doc Forbin & The Lord Of The Rant, A.S.C.
Inland Revenue Consultant (U.K.)
Martin UK & Robin Sena, B.S.C.
Set & model design
Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer
Music performed by (in order of appearence):
Taylor Swift, Cold Slither, Rascal Flatts, Tomita,
The Beatles, Garth Brooks, Iron Butterfly, The
Venga Boys, Peter Gabriel, The Who, Queen
Latifah, The Doors, The Beatles (again), Steve
Winwood, Guns N' Roses, Queen, Triumph,
Dave Edmunds, Steppenwolf, The Yardbirds,
Tycoon, Espionage, The Alan Parsons Project,
The Edgar Winter Group, Hot Chocolate,
Kenny Loggins, Laaz Rockit, Adam Ant, Falco,
Mariah Carey, Survivor, De La Soul, Blue Murder,
247 Spyz, The Trashmen, Van Halen, Weird Al,
Sir Elton John & John Williams & The London
Dar(ia) Wars: The Return Of The Cynics starred
(in order of appearence):
Imperial Officer Lisa
Imperial Officer Nikki
Imperial Officer Tori
THE J.J. JEETERS STAFF
Butt Head Fortuna
Upchuck The Hutt
CHARLES "UPCHUCK" RUTTHEIMER III
TIFFANY BLUM DECKLER
Stacy Calrissian Rowe
Han Sandi Griffin
Princess Quinn Morgendorffer
Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer
The Banker's Keepers
GEORGE HOOKMAN & RANDAL
MAD DOG MORGENDORFFER
Linda Fett Griffin
Obi Jane Kenobi
Mon Amanda Lane
Admiral Jodie Ackbar Landon
JODIE ABIGAIL LANDON
General Tim O'Neil Madine
Admiral Leslie Gupty
Jesse "Wicket" Moreno
Trent "Teebo" Lane
NICHOLAS "NICK" CAMBELL
MAXIMILLIAN "MAX" TYLER
Imperial Officer Tom Anderson
Imperial Officer Jiggy
JIGGY JIGGY JUDDIN
Tom Sloane Antilles
All other roles portrayed by The Dariacon Fan Club
Greybird Design Services
The Spatula Man
Soundtrack Album available on
RCA Victor/BMG Music Group
Transportation courtesy of
Doggieboy Transport Esq.
Original Sound Effects by
Industrial Light & Magic
Sound recorded & mixed at
Skywalker Sound North
Original music composed &
conducted by John Williams,
copyright 1983 Fox Fanfare
Music & Bantha Music (BMI)
Original music recorded at
Anvil Studios & Abbey Road/
EMI Studios, England
Daria is a trademark of MTV
Star Wars & all indica is a trademark
of LucasFilm Ltd.
THX: Making Cinema Sound Better
copyright LucasFilm & Skywalker
Sound North, all rights reserved.
Filmed in Otakuvision
D I S C L A I M E R:
All characters, places, the lot, have turned
out to be 7000% fake, so anything and/or
anyone, living and/or dead, fall under the
catagory of coincidental, at least it's what we
W A R N I N G:
Unauthorised duplication prohibited,
whatever you like it or not. Got it?
Copyright 1983, 2008 & 2009 MTV Productions,
LucasFilm Ltd & Robin Sena.
Dedicated to all Daria & Star Wars fandom
all over the world.
Parental Guidence Suggested
Tis the end of ye tale
THANKS FOR READING!!