Right. I just hope my fanfiction improves, but if it don't, sorry. Again, Daria and the Star Wars saga rightfully remain under the respective trademarks of MTV and LucasFilm Ltd. Right? Now let's carry on.........
A long time ago.......
In a fictional town far, far away......
THE BARKSDALE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
It is a dark time for the Lawndale Rebellion.
Although The Def Starr was destroyed, the
Imperial forces have chased The Lawndale
Rebel Alliance down from one part of space
Thankfully, the Rebels (with causes, mind you),
led by Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer, have
finally settled down on the ice planet of Goth,
where they set up in many huge ice caves in the
hope of building a base as well as a snowboarding
resort on the side.
The evil Dark Lady Of The Spit, Darth Helen, now
obsessed with tracking down Daria and her mates,
just ordered her Imperial Star Destroyers to send
out and dispatch thousands of pods carrying remote
probe droids all over the galaxy to search every
nook and cranny....you get the idea, we hope.
All over the galaxy, with The Coasters doing Searchin'. The Barksdale Empire's Imperial Star Destroyers, all of the Imperial class were passing by planets, ejecting from their underside hatches, pods which carried a single probe droid apiece; one of them, with the words GOTH OR BUST headed for the ice world of Goth, hurtling down to the snowy surface, where, even now, a heavy bundled up Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer, riding a half lizard and half camel creature known as a Towntown spotted the falling pod before it landed in the snowy tundra. Seeing that, she muttered, "Won't some people do to get rid of their rubbish..........wait, that was a meteor, not rubbish!!" Shaking her head, Daria said, "I've been out in the cold for too long. Pulling out her cell 'phone, she placed a call, saying "Reverb 7 to Reverb 13, Sandi, old fashionable buddy, do you read me?"
"Is that you, girl?" said Sandi on the other end."There ain't enough ice cubes for all the margaritas for The Miss Continents Of The World Pagent party. My Will Hays sensors were just placed, see you back at the base. You still owe me 338 Imperial credits for that last poker game, got it?"
"Fine with me," said the Starkiller. "There's a meteor that just landed, I'll check it out. Maybe it's that Sputnik that burned out in 1957, but landed here by some happenstance. Over and out."
Spurring her Towntown, Daria heaed down the tundra in the direction where the falling thing fell, when the snow creature rasped and backed off, as if she senesed danger ahead which prompted Daria to say, "Now what's your problem? Don't tell me you saw a boy Towntown ahead?"
Suddenly a towering fur creature stepped out of nowhere and roared, "Hey, me the Swampa Ice Creature--you meat!! Fresh meat for granny....!!"
"'Cor.......," said the Starkiller. "a reject from the In Search Of telly series."
"Reject?!? said the creature. "That insult!!" Using a swipe of its paw, it hit Daria in the face--and everything went black.
Unseen by Daria, nor anyone else, an insectoid black Imperial probe droid, with the words IMPERIAL PROBE DROID 1997, MADE IN MEXICO rose up from the crater where its pod landed and with Chicago's (I've Been) Searching So Long playing on its speakers, it flew up a few feet from the snowy terrain, and headed south...........
At the base of a mountain, was a cave with a few Lawndale Rebel sentry gun towers, one of which had a sign reading, NO-ONE IS HOM. And it was at the cave entrance where Sandi rode in on her Towntown, down to the vast caverns of the Lawndale Rebel hangars full of snowspeeders, each with sponsor logos, pit crews, roadhouses and finally a pile of steel junk where Tiffbacca the Cookiee was doing some repair work.
"Right, you made it," said Tiffbacca. "Think you can help me out here? I hate working with those model kits."
"After I make my report to General Gupty," said Sandi, "and then we'll get to the drudge of--UGH--dealing with all that rubbish.You got the instructions?"
"In my pocket," said Tiffy.
"Be right back," said Sandi, before heading down a hallway dug though the thick ice, past a door containing wild captive Swampas, and into a central control room where Foreginer's Cold As Ice could be heard; near Princess Quinn Morgendorffer, who was in winter togs, was Spock reading a copy of Variety (and getting hit in a snowball fight) whose headline said, EMPIRE BOFFO, BOOOOO, TREK FLOPPO, PU. Behind that was General Tricia Gupty, who upon spotting Sandi said, "Welcome back, Capitan Griffin, you're just in time to check out the 5 day weather report on the telly, and best of all, our word of the day is 'Indemification."
"Hang the word of the day," said Sandi. "I've already placed your bloody sentry markers, and now me and Tiffy must take off faster than Britney's bad career."
"You sure?" said Tricia. "We were just getting ready to serve nature's candy known as raisins.And besides, you'd be a boon to the Lawndale cause."
"Maybe," said Sandi, who took off from her head, a tag that said 499 IMPERIAL CREDITS, before adding, "but, as you can see, there's a price tag on my head; if I don't pay off Upchuck The Hutt, I'll be a walking dead brat."
"Ouch," said General Gupty. "Well, it's their fault because they had so much sugar, and you know just how sugar can make you hyper."
"Hitler ate sugar," said Major Tad Gupty.
"But Upchuck is no Hitler," said Sandi, "but why take chances when they may be twins?" before heading down the hall, until she was aware Quinn was following her, saying, "Stop, Sandi!! You can't run out on me now!! I thought there was more to you than fashion and money!!"
"That bounty hunter we ran into in Sloatsberg changed my mind," replied Sandi. "Besides, you know how the cold louses up my complexion."
"But without you and Tiffy," said Quinn, "it means two less action figures we can sell in the stores."
"You wish," said Sandi. "I know the real reason: you just couldn't bear to see me off without a good luck kiss."
"I'd just as soon kiss a Cookiee," said Quinn.
"I can arrange that," said Sandi, just as she and Quinn were entering the hangar section where Tiffbacca was working on the pile of steel. Turning to the Cookiee, the fashion pirate said, "Tiffy!! Pucker up."
"Kissing another girl?" said Tiffy. "Ew, that is disgusting."
"It should be," stated Quinn. "Fine, you two take off, but if you do, you take that huge pile of steel trash with you!!"
"I ain't got much bleeding choice," retorted Sandi. "That huge pile of steel trash is my ship!!"
"Sorry," said Quinn mournfully.
"You should be," said Tiffbacca.
Nearby, the two jock droids See Brittpio and Kevin Detoo were bickering whilst they entered the hangar, the cheer droid saying, "Kevvy, how could you turn on the heater in Princess Quinn's chambers?!?"
"Babe, I was only trying to help," said Kevin defencively. "It WAS cold, even you said so, no lie."
"But all I said was that Quinn's chambers was a bit cold, then again.....," said Brittpio. "Say, what's troubling you now?"
"I just got a hot flash online from my online Time Warner cablenet," said Kevin, "and it seems there's a rumour that Daria ain't back yet."
"EEP!!" said Brittpio. "Mistress Daria ain't back yet?!?"
"Bummer," said Tiffbacca."Nutting worse than frozen brains."
"Ew," said Quinn. "We've got to do something!! Even I wouldn't allow someone like Daria freeze out there--it'd be against the law."
"Not only that," said Sandi, "she still owes me 338 Imperial credits for that poker game." Turning to Major Gupty who had just entered, she said, "Get everone searching for Miss Morgendorffer!! Ready those snowspeeders!!"
"Uh, there may be a problem," said Tad. "Those snowspeeders all carry even numbers and to-day's and odd number day so we can't get fuel till to-morrow. At least our Towntowns carry odd numbers."
"They'll do," said Sandi, mounting on of the fastest Towntowns, which had around its neck, a string which bore the sign BRAT ON BOARD. "So let's get on with it."
"But the outside tempature is falling rapidly to freeze your snookeroos off," warned Tad.
"Not when you consider," said Sandi, "that I spiked my Towntown's chicken soup with antifreeze."
"If you turn into a bratsicle," said Tad, "don't say I didn't warn you."
"Then I'll see you in hell, or someplace like it," said Sandi, before she rode out the huge base entrance, and into the snowy night.
Somewhere, in a dark cave, Daria wokke up, and discovered she was not only hanging upside down from her frozen feet from the ceiling, the Swampa eating a dead Towntown and making a mess, belching whilst doing so, but she discovered a stamp on her body that read, U.S.D.A. GRADE Z GOVERMENT INSPECTED SPOILED HAM.
"Great," muttered the Starkiller. "Who does the grading here? I get a chance to be a Cynic Knight, and I get turned into Purina Swampa Chow."
Glancing down at the snowy floor, Daria chanced to spot her traveling bag, and of all the equipment sticking out from it, was her light sabre that had once been her mother's; sticking out her hand, Daria concentrated--before the sabre sprang out from the pack and into her hand.
"And to think they once said I had no magnetic personality," said the Starkiller, before using her sabre to cut the ice bonds from her feet, setting them free and fell flat on her face, just as the Swampa showed up, saying, "Hey!! You no can cheat me out of main meal!!"
"Change your dinner menu for once," said Daria, before she slashed the Swampa in two; his last words were, "Oy.......and I had my taste buds set for a Starkiller......."
With the Swampa dispatched, Daria ran out from the cave, and into the cold darkening night, running past a sign that said, DRINK HARRISON'S HOT CHOCOLATE. AT ALL FORD MARKETS........
Near the main entrance of the Lawndale base, Kevin Detoo was scanning the landscape of Goth when Brittpio showed up and said, "Come on back in, Kevvy, it's getting way too cold out there, and it's making my brass finish freeze off."
"Just as well, anyway, babe," said Kevin, who turned and re entered the base and the hangar section. "I try to scan, but all I get is that KEZY rock station......" Suddenly, The Rolling Stones' Fool To Cry came on his speakers, and the QB said, "Hey, I got The Stones!!"
"No kidding?" said Brittpio. "At least, it's SOMETHING."
"Never mind that," said Tiffbacca. "Poor Sandi and Daria, out in the cold, turning into snow women. Ew."
"Daria's always been brainy," said Quinn, "and Sandi's tough as nails. But then, even nails CAN freeze."
"Ew," said Tiffy. "Maybe if you painted a tough arcrylic polish on your nails, they wouldn't break."
"Tad dropped a spore!!" jeered General Tricia Gupty.
"Did not, it was a raisin!!" protested her brother, Major Tad. At that moment, his cell 'phone rang, and he picked it up and said, "Oh is that you, Mert? I see. Well, you and the others got back before you froze your itch a pods off? Well done. Oh, and there's plenty of Harrison's Hot chocolate here." After hanging up, he said to his sister, "All the patrols came back--still no....................still no word from Griffin and Morgendorffer....."
"Well, that stinks," said Tricia before she turn to Quinn and said with regret, "Right, there ain't much that can be done at all here at that stage of the game, with the night getting colder than before, and who knows who may sneak in and nick our stuff in the middle of the night? We MUST close the doors. Please understand, OK?"
"Fine with me," said Quinn mournfully. "I only hope Sandi knows what she's doing."
"Probably not," said Tiffbacca, "but that ain't stopped her before.....Daria? That is a different story..........."
Turning to Tad, Tricia said, "Close the doors--and make sure you turn the alarm on, got it?"
Producing a remote control, Tad pushed a button and the huge hangar doors slammed closed, just as Kevin whispered something to Brittpio, who in turn said to the others, "Kevvy just said the chances of survival stand at 1,161,000 to 1, considering he was known to make mistakes from time to time."
"Since when?" said Kevin.
"When you said," replied Brittpio, "that The Red Sox would win The World Series."
"But they DID win The World Series, babe," said the QB droid.
"Oh.......right, I forgot," said the cheer droid. "Sorry, Kevvy......."
Long after getting lost in a blizzard, the Starkiller found out she was passing out, stumbling in the snow, before she collasped in a heap, muttering, "Come get your Cynicsicles--ask for by flavor."
Suddenly, a new voice was heard--that of Obi Jane Kenobi, who had (possibly) died when she had been cut down by Darth Helen's light sabre; anyway, it spoke, "Daria......"
Looking up, Daria could see, a yard from her, a transparent image of Jane in her robe, so she said, "Jane?"
"I missed you, amiga," said Jane. "Anything happen whilst I was away?"
"Not much," said Daria. "Say, how'd you get here? I thought you died when you got cut down by Darth Helen's sabre."
"You know Cynic Knights never die," said Jane. "They just make surprise appearences in sequels. But let's carry on with why I came here--you must head for the Doggieboy system."
"Doggieboy system?" echoed the Starkiller.
"There you will meet with Yodeling Amy," added Jane, "the Cynic mistress who instructed me. Got a lot of A levels when I learned from her." After that, she faded off, Daria weakly calling out, "Jane.........I am turning into ice and you play travel agent....."
Passing out, Daria fell down on the ice, just as Sandi rode up to her on her Towntown; dismounting, she ran to the Starkiller and said, "Come on, girl, don't die on me, show me a sign here!!"
In her delerium, Daria muttered, "Oh, Nellie, you're here at last......."
"Least it's SOMETHING," said Sandi. But before she could pick up and carry the Starkiller, the Towntown she had rode on rasped out, fell down, burped and died on the spot.
Seeing that, Sandi grumbled, "Wouldn't you know it? Someone DID die anyway!! Serves me right for spiking that Towntown's chicken soup with Brand Y antifreeze instead of Prestone....!!" Realising what was likely to be, Sandi muttered, "Ew, it's the story of my life, but what's got to be....." Rummaging in the Starkiller's pack, she came up with her lightsabre, saying, "I hope you don't mind me using your ancient weapon, I mean, it may be a insult using a Cynic Knight's weapon for what I got in mind, but I've got to get a sharp blade--besides, I always wanted use something like that.......where's the switch? Must be that one here......"
Upon pushing the right button, the four foot long blue blade shot out from the sabre, Sandi muttering, "Found it. My stomach won't forgive me but--," and was cutting the stomach of the frozen Towntown, all of the inside works exploding from the now sliced cut.
"EW!!!!" gasped Sandi. "It's just as well you're out cold.....!! Now to--UGH-- stick you in that Towntown like a fur coat.....I hope the mammal rights groups don't hear of it.......now to get you some food before I set that bleedin' cheap shelter...."
"Ulp.......," said the inert Daria, "hang the food; for some reason, I lost my appitite....."
Shrugging her shoulders, Sandi opened her pack, and pulled out the tent she had to set up, grumbling, "Made in China, that figures........if I don't get that shelter set up, Upchuck won't need his bloody bounty hunters.........."
In the morning, Officer Evan piloted his snowspeeder over the snowy dips and tundras, ZZ Top's Sleeping Bag playing on his radio, when a shallow female's voice came in saying, "Took you long enough to get here, eh? I heard your squalling engines and they just woke me up from a real good dream."
Looking out, Evan saw the snow covered tent--and Sandi standing outside, shaking her fist and blowing raspberries;turning to his radio, he said, Reverb 18 to base, I found them--and one of them is blowing rapberries at me."
Inside the Lawndale Rebel base, Daria was safe and sound in a cylindrical glass tube of liquid and bubbles, along with a rubber duck, whilst Two One Bee Philips, a surgeon droid worked the controls, just as Princess Quinn showed up, asking, "How's Daria? Did staying out in that extreme cold do any harm to her?"
"No," said the surgeon droid, "but some stupid twit poured Towntown blood and guts on her. But now that she's in the bacta tank, she's out of danger. You've got to give credit to a surgeon droid like me--I can seek out an ailment qucker 330 times greater than a human medic can."
"That and the fact you don't bother to collect a fee," said Quinn.
When Daria finally woke up, there was Quinn, who said, "Good morning sleepyhead."
"Any calls whilst I was away?" said the Starkiller.
"Just one from the tax division, saying they got your tax payment just in time," said Quinn. "Other than that, it's been dull here."
Just then, Brittpio cartwheeled into the room, with Kevin following and doing splits and cheering, "What do you want to do? Get better!! Gooooooooooooooooo, Daria's immune system!!"
"Something tells me," said the Starkiller, "it just got duller."
Coming in front of Daria, Brittpio chirped, "Mistress Daria, it's so good to see you functional again."
"You said it," agreed Kevin. "Now we can get back to kicking some Imperial bum!!"
It was then that Sandi and Tiffbacca also entered. "How're you doing, girl?" she asked. "You look strong enough to wrestle a criminale."
"No kidding?" said Daria.
"No fooling," replied Tiffbacca. "Anyhow, now that the crisis is over, let's finish our work and take off--first to Upchuck and then over to Cashman's."
"And the sooner the better," chimed in Quinn.
"Princess," said Sandi, "sometimes you forget you're a woman."
"How's that?" said Quinn.
"For openers," replied Sandi, "You went into the men's bathroom instead of the ladies'."
"Not only that," said Tiffbacca, "you mistook a copy of Sports Illustrated for a Waif magazine."
"So I made a mistake," said Quinn.
"And that mistake was showing your true feelings for me," said Sandi.
"For you?!?" said Quinn. "I don't know where you get your delusions, fashion brains."
Hearing that, Tiffbacca burst out laughing in her breathy slomo way, which in turn prompted a testy Sandi to say, "Laugh it up, Waif head. But you didn't see what went on in the fourth hallway, where she expressed her real feelings for me."
"If I remember," said Quinn, "I tried to scratch your eyes out."
"Least it was a start," said Sandi, her snide grin evident.
"Is that so?" said Quinn. Behind her, Brittpio and Kevin were chanting, "Catfight, catfight, catfight, catfight....!!"
Pausing, Quinn said, "I'll show you how much I care for you," and turned to a suprised and embarrassed Starkiller and kissed her cheek.
"You may be a good kisser, but you got crummy eyesight," said Daria.
Entering the main control section, General Tricia Gupty said to Quinn, who had entered with Brittpio, Kevin, Sandi and Tiffbacca following, "Princess, we've got something on the radio as well as outside, listen here." Turning on the radio, the sound of The Specials' Rat Race could be heard.
Blushing, General Gupty said, "Sorry, wrong station. Here." What came over the speakers, was a muted trumpet playing in the "speaking grownup" mode used in the old Peanuts cartoons.
"Whoever's broadcasting that," said Tiffbacca, "must be on drugs--or a bad jazz trumpeter."
"Kind of a neat tune though," said Kevin.
"Pardon me," said Brittpio, "but I am fluent in thousands of codes, languages and slangs; that signal's not of The Alliance--it could be an Imperial code, or some off key trumpet player."
"We spotted the object outside," said Major Tad Gupty, "and it looks like a giant black roach. we should've used the--RAID!!"
"Whatever it is, it ain't friendly--nor clean," said Sandi.
"A steely bug," said Tiffbacca. "Ew. Well, let's stomp it out."
Outside the base, near the power generators which had a sign that said, REPLACE YOUR DIVOTS, the Imperial probe droid finished its broadcast before retracting its antennae, and that was when Tiffbacca showed up and called out, "Peek a boo."
Whirling around, the droid took some pot shots at the fleeing Tiffbacca before Sandi came from behind and squeezed some phaser shots at it--before the droid blew up, pieces of steel remaining, along with an alarm clock and a spring.
"Great shooting, Sandi," said Tiffbacca. "I didn't think you carried a gun with that much firepower. What you do, use new batteries?"
"But I didn't hit it that hard," said Sandi. "Must've blew up on its own, or maybe it just couldn't take it."
Just then, Sandi's cell 'phone rang; picking it up, Sandi said, "Is that you, Princess? "We just took on the most sorriest built droid in years. Must've been built form the cheapest materials."
"Cheap materials," said Tiffbacca. "That was so wrong."
"We saw it ourselves," said Quinn, "and it looked like an Imperial probe droid."
"Oh, great," grumbled Sandi. "That means The Empire knows we're here. I bloody hope we learn not to pick fights with probe droids."
"There goes the neighbourhood," said Tiffbacca.
Inside the base, Quinn turned to General Gupty and said, "Prepare for evacuation at once--and get ready for a losing fight."
Somwhere, out there, were twelve Imperial Star Destroyers of the Barksdale Empire, guarding the largest of all Destroyers-- the Super Star Destroyer Executive, and inside, whilst The Imperial March played, was the Dark Lady of The Spit, Darth Helen, rambling on her cell 'phone. "No, Eric, no," she was saying, "I ordered 100, not 1000 credits to finance the whole search thing for the Rebels. Listen carefully--ONE HUNDRED, ONE THOUSAND. You think they sound the same? Well, fix it, got it?!!?"
Just then, Admiral Diane Bennett showed up, and said, "Lady Helen, we just picked up a fragment based report via Adelphia from a probe droid in the Goth system. Here's the result."
Turning to a screen, Helen could see the generators with the REPLACE YOUR DIVOTS sign and declared, "There it is--the Rebels live here, and Daria Starkiller is with them. Set your course for the Goth system."
"Your logic is indeed impressive," said Bennett. "We'll head for Goth at once, before you can say 'London's in the house.'"
Turning to General Rita Barksdale, the Dark Lady said, "General Barksdale, prepare your Klunkers."
"On it," said Rita as the sound of Cheap Trick doing California Man could be heard.
Back at the Goth Rebel base, as Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters was playing, Quinn was briefing the crew.
"When The Empire comes," she was saying, " we'll ready our ion cannon along with some extra coverage from Lloyds Of London just to be safe."
"Princess," said Tad, who had just come up, "The Empire just came out from lightspeed, and they're violating the basic speed law here."
"Better ring up Lloyds Of London," said the redhead princess, "and thell them it's time to take coverage."
Having come out from hyperspace, the Imperial Super Star Destroyer Executive and its smaller Destroyers reached the planet Goth whilst inside, in her meditation chamber (which had a desk, a computer that glowed with LED lighting and a disc player) was Darth Helen who upon emerging from her said chamber, saw General Rita Barksdale and said, "What is it General? Did those W-2s come in?"
"Not yet," said the General, "but the fleet just moved out from light speed. Con Edison scan detected an energy field protecting the 7th planet of the Goth system and is strong to deflect anything, even your own cell 'phone."
"Even my own cell 'phone?" echoed the Dark Lady. "Then the rebels know we're here. Admiral Bennett had the fleet come out from lightspeed too close to the system. I warned her of that but does she listen? NOOOOOOO....!!"
"She felt surprise and fuel consumption was wiser," said Rita, "given the high fuel prices."
"She's as clumsy as she is stupid," cut in Helen. "not to mention a show off. Gereral, prepare your tropps--er, troops for a surface strike, using the Imperial Klunkers, and if you've got to look for souvenirs, do so on your own time."
Whilst Rita set out the deliver the order, Lady Darth Helen turn to a screen and turned it on; it displayed a broadcast of Sick Sad World.
"Oops, wrong channel," the Dark Lady said before the screen displayed the interior of the Executive's bridge, along with Admiral Bennett who looked up with trepidation and said, "Lady Helen, the fleet just came from lightspeed, ready to kick Rebel bum and we're preparing to-- G~A~S~P.........!!"
"You've failed me for the last time," said Helen crisply. "Besides, I hated your cassarole anyway." Turning to Capt. Leslie Gupty, she said, "Capitain Gupty, would you like to be my new Admiral?"
"Is the job open?" said the surprised Leslie.
"It is now......!!" gasped Bennett. "I can't breathe!! Helen's choking my throat....!!"
"Anyway," said the Dark Lady, "one part of your squad should make the landing procedures so we can nick those Rebel sods, whilst the other part ensures they don't take off the planet for who knows where. You're in charge now ADMIRAL Gupty." Then turning to her cell, she called, "Eric? Put down some quid at my bookie in favour of The Empire for The Battle Of Goth."
On that day, Diane Bennett fought for one last breath--and fell down, deceased.
On the way to her snowspeeder, Daria stopped by the Millennium Diva where Han Sandi was atop the cockpit with repairs, painting the hull with blush gloss and at the same time, making repairs; inside, Tiffbacca was hanging up from the ceiling of the cockpit, a strand of rainbow heart lights.
"Good luck to you fashion femmes," called out the Starkiller. "I hope you make peace with Upchuck."
"And soon," said the fashion pirate. "That Upchuck's been sending me and Tiffy a lot of indecent emials for weeks.. Just give those Imperials a taste of fashion justice for me, OK?"
"Fashion justice forever," agreed Tiffbacca. "OK, we're ready." She turned on a switch, and Tiffany Darwish, singing I Think We're Alone Now blared from the speakers, causing the fashion girls to cringe and stop up their ears.
"Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Sandi. "Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!!"
After turning off the sound, a mournful Tiffy said, "Sorry, wrong switch."
Climbing in her snowspeeder, with her gunner Travis in the gunner's seat, Daria said, "Seems they're scraping the bottom of the barrel to-day."
"Who cares?" said Travis. "I was born to hog tie whatever The Empire throws at me--I feel I could take on the whole Empire right now. You?"
"Eh," repiled the Starkiller. "I just want to finish the last snow scene so I can get to a nice hot place."
"As in Doggieboy?" said her gunner.
"Right said," said Daria, "but stop with the spoilers."
Outside, whilst thousands of Rebel troops readied their guns and waited in the trenches (one had a sign reading STOP AND BE UNFRIENDLY), some passed the time playing Wickershams & Dulcimers; it was only when they yelled, "CHURRAH!!" did they see what was coming out from the swirling snows--12 four legged 40 foot high mechanised elephantine Imperial Klunkers, their weapons readied to blast anything it their path, one with a bumper sticker saying, I BRAKE FOR LADY DARTH HELEN, OR ELSE, another had on its windscreen, a yellow diamond sign reading GENERAL RITA BARKSDALE ON BOARD!!
"Reverb Station, ETA," said one of the officers into his comm, "we've spotted Imperial Klunkers!! Time to rock out!!"
In the base, Kevin Detoo was on his way to the hangar when a P.A. voice said, "Imperial Klunkers on the ridge. Say your prayers, folks."
"Now's the time to kick those Imperial bastards!!" said the jock droid. "Break!!"
The Battle Of Goth had begun.
From the start, The Battle Of Goth was in The Barksdale Empire's favour for whilst Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy was playing throughout, the Imperial Klunkers and the rebel guns were blasting heel to toe, and even whilst Daria's snowspeeder squadron was blasting at the said Klunkers, it was the enemy bethemoths that were tough as nails. Realising that, the Starkiller said to her wingmates, "Listen up, Roquefort Group, either those Imperial tanks were built with foreign materials or their armor is stronger than our blasters. We got to use olf fashioned methods like harpoons and cables."
"And if that don't work?" said pilot Tom Sloane Antilles.
"String along the cables some of Keira Knightley's dirty laundry," replied Daria. "Get ready, Travis."
"You got it," said the gunner......just before a stray blast from a Klunker cannon hit the snowspeeder, frying to death the said Travis.
"Plot complications," muttered Daria. "Don't you just hate them? Tom, you've got to make the shot; gunner Travis just retired."
With that in mind, Tom and his gunmate Elsie flew to the nearest Klunker and Elsie shot off a harpoon attatched to a cable with a long line of bras and knickers; the cable and the harpoon wrapped 'round one of the Klunker's legs and the speeder flew circle 'round till all four legs were hogtied; from within, a voice in the Klunker's cab could be heard: "Dirty laundry?!? PEEEEEEEEEEEE----UU!!!!!" The Klunker tried to break free, but with its legs entangled, largely to block the smell, it fell down in a trashy heap.
"How's that for a rubbish pile?" said Tom.
"I rate that an A+," said the Starkiller.......before a second blast from a Klunker's cannon shot out her snowspeeder, resulting in a crash landing to the snow tundra below; nearby, a quartet of Swampas held up their point cards: 2.3., 2.4, 3.4 and 5.0.
In the cockpit of the lead Klunker, with Right Said Fred continuing with I'm Too Sexy, a cup of hot coffee in hand, General Rita Barksdale asked one of the drivers, "Distance to power generators?"
"A mile and a half," replied the pilot. "I'd walk a mile for a Camel for sure."
Climbing from her crashed snowspeeder, which now had a sign reading USED SNOWSPEEDER PARTS FOR SALE, CHEAP, Daria pulled out the dead body of Travis, then took out a harpoon gun, just as a Klunker came by, its foot crushing the speeder into a sardine tin, no-one noticing the Starkiller run alongside prior to her shooting up with the harpoon gun, the magnetised projectile attaching to the machine's underside, its cable enabling Daria to climb it until she was close to the Klunker's underside..............and then she tickled its hull, saying, "Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle....."
"Hee, hee, heee, hee, ho, hooo, ho, hoooo, hah, hah, haaaah......!!!!" howled the Klunker; it fell over on its side and crashed, whilst the Starkiller jumped down to safety in a snowbank. "Sometimes," she said, "you got to know just where to tickle those armor plated pachyderms."
In the lead Klunker, Rita used targeting binoculars, sighting the generators and said, "Target, maxinum firepower and win a cigar."
The Klunker aimed its guns and blasted the now sparking generators to kingdom come, prompting the General to say, "And the pilot gets a cigar. Then turning to a small holo of Darth Helen, she said, "The sheild with be down now and we got our cigar. You may start your landing."
"'Bout bloody time," said the Spit Lady. Turning to her cell 'phone, she said in it, "Eric, start collecting our money we won from the bookie. We got a winning bet."
"I don't think we can protect two transports at a time, given the union dues at hand," said Tricia.
"Whatever," said Quinn. "Just pass the word along to evacuate and pack up their stuff."
Suddenly, there was a rumble as the lights flickered, The J. Geils Band playing When The Walls Come Tumbling Down, and that was when Tad called out, "Imperial troops just entered the base. Let's SCRAM!!!!"
Just then Han Sandi and Tiffbacca arrived and Quinn said, "I'd knew you two would come."
"You've must've read our minds," said the Cookiee, "unless you were sneaking a peek in the script."
"Shame on you, cheating on the scrpit," said the fashion pirate.
"Oh, girls, I'd NEVER do that," said Quinn, "but let's get the hex out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And get the hex out of there they did, the girls running down the hall, with Emerson, Lake & Palmer's Benny The Bouncer playing, See Brittpio tailed behind them, shouting, "Wait for me!!" At one point, they were passing the door with the wild Swampa warning sticker when Brittpio tore off the sign, heading down the hall; a minute later, several Imperial snowtroopers arrived and one of them opened the door, resulting a hores of wild crazed Swampas rusing out to beset the luckless troops, one of them shouting, "And I just polished my armor-----OUCH!!!!"
Upon reaching the hangar and the Millennium Diva, the girls, the Cookiee and the cheer droid scampered for the boarding ramp just as Han Sandi turned to the trailing Brittpio and barked, "Hurry up, pom pom rod, before you wind up a permanent resident here!!"
"EEP!!" squeaked Briitpio. "Feets, don't fail me now!!" Indeed, she and the others made it onboard the ship--one minute before a horde of hapless Swampas were tosse out from the hallway and landed in a heap on the snow floor, one of them groggily saying, "Wot hoppen?" After that, Lady Darth Helen, followed by a platoon of snowtroopers, exited the hallway and towards the bejewelled ship, saying to her troops, "Stop that ship or no snooker in the rec room--didn't I say that before? Nah......"
Inside the cockpit of the ship, Sandi turned on some switches but the panel lights went out just as Quinn said, "Would it help if I turned the engine crank?"
"It might," replied the fashion pirate, jus as she looked down and said, "No wonder--the battery terminals came loose!!" She held up a 9 volt battery, its plug terminals loose, and pushed them back on, the lights coming back, with the fanfare of Rocky playing.
"That bucket of costume jewellery's never going to get off," said Quinn.
"That thing's got a few surprises left in her, sweetie," said Sandi as she manned the controls with Tiffy. "Step on it, Tiffy," she said crisply, "and don't spare the Paris Hitlton perfume!!"
"Boogety, boogety, boogety, boogety, let's go racing," said the Cookiee, who touched a button, and with Pink Floyd's Run Like Hell playing, the ship taking off. its cannons blasting several snowtroopers along the way, prior to launch out from the hangar, prompting Darth Helen, to place a call in her 'phone: "Eric, pass the word to my fleet that I want The Millenium Diva, before I start kicking bums all over the place!!"
Daria had staggered out to where the Rebels were taking off, just in time to see The Millennium Diva rocket off in the sky, a flag attached to the back of it reading YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!
"At least Han got away, her and her Waif collection," muttered the Starkiller. Ahead was Tom Slone Antilles who said, "See you at our new Rebel base, that is, if we can get a place not owned by the homeowners association."
"Save the whales," said Daria who climbed into her waiting X wing, where Kevin Detoo was already in his socket, saying, "Yay!! Next stop, Doggieboy!!"
"Were you evesdropping in the script?" said a chagrined Starkiller. After that, she took off and with Pink Floyd's Run Like Hell continuing, rocketing off the ice planet known as Goth.
With The Electirc Light Orchestra's Don't Bring Me Down playing, the Millennium Diva was trying to flee from several TIE fighters (their pilots shouting curses) and four Imperial Star Destroyers all blasting at the fleeing ship, which despite having been fueled with Paris Hilton's perfume, was unable to shake off the enemy.
"Someday," said Princess Quinn, "I hope you make a mistake and I hope to see it."
"As if," said Han Sandi. "One we use some of my dirty work, we'll shake them off and jump into light speed."
"Uh, Sandi," said Brittpio, "there's something you should know."
"Either mute yourself or sod off," warned the fashion pirate. "Hang on, here's an old trick I learned from Tila Tequila."
"Show them what you're made of," said Tiffbacca.
To everyone's surprise, Sandi flew the ship in the space between three of the Destroyers--one facing the front of the Diva, and two facing the aft part of the pirate ship......which took a downard dive down, resulting in all three ships in a collision path; in one of the ships, on the bridge, Imperial Captian Spatula called out, "Take evasive action!!" But even whilst his ship did that, the alarms blaring, it brushed against the side of the other ship, in the process in an attempt to avoid the other one, shaking up the crew and causing spatula to fall on his behind and say, "So much for our new paint job."
With only one Destroyer pursuing them, Sandi readied the controls for lightspeed as did Tiffbacca, Princess Quinn playing cat's cradle, and Brittpio playing her Tamigotchi, and that was when the fashion pirate said, "Let's get with the lightspeed and scarm."
"You mean 'scram,'" said Tiffy.
"Whatever, Just get ready, Princess," said the diva pirate before pulling a lever; the hyperdrive geared up........and started coughing and gasping like a motor conking out in the Looney Tunes series and stopping right there.
"Get ready for what?" said Quinn with an I-told-you-so look on her face.
"Tiffy, I told you not to buy those cheap hyperdrive parts in Toronto," said Sandi.
"But I swore those parts said 'Made In Japan,'" objected the Cookie.
"Pardon me," said Brittpio, "but like I said before, one of the thingamajigs went kuhpooey--it's impossible to engage the hyperdrive!!"
"Oh, RATS!!" said the chagrined diva pirate.
"Kuhpooey," said Tiffbacca, "it's sooooo wrong....."
The Creedence Clearwater Revival's Run Through The Jungle was playing when Daria Starkiller Morgendorffer and Kevin Detoo arrived at Doggieboy, a jungle and swamp planet.
"There it is," she said, "Doggieboy."
"Is it safe for jock droids?" said the QB droid.
"If it's safe for humans, why not?" said the Starkiller. "After having trudged through that ice and snow, for all we know, it may be a tropical paradies."
"You know," said Kevin, "I preferred the ice and snow better."
"Same with me," replied Daria.....until there was a loud bang.
"Our fuel line just went bust!!" yelled the jock droid.
"So did our journey," said Daria. "That'll look great in my diary, 'Something funny happened on the way to a Cynic mistress.' Well, hang on to your droid drawers and don't wee in them."
Trying to maintain control of the X wing was no easy thing, but the Starkiller crashed it through the trees, landing in a swamp pond, the impact causing Kevin to fly out from his socket and splash headfirst into the water, just as Daria climbed out from her cockpit.
"I told you to wear your seat belt," said Daria.
Suddenly, from beneath the water, a shapeless black shark like creature, its dorsal fin tattoed in white with LOAN SHARK and the theme from Jaws playing, zeroed in on the underwater Kevin; there were bubbles, then a loud belch as the jock droid few out from the water and crash landed on the shore, saying delieriously, "Is the game over? Who won? Was it a touchdown?"
"At least you don't agree with droid eating sharks," said the Starkiller. "I'll get you washed and re oiled and then we'll set up our Doggieboy Hilton."
After setting up camp near a hovel of some kind, along with a lean to, digital sattellite system, DVD player, ice box and stove, and then after turning on the generator, Daria said to Kevin, "Ready for some power?"
"Yup," said the jock droid. "Yay, I got The Pigskin Channel."
"Knock yourself out, then," said the Starkiller who plugged in Kein's charge cord into his socket and opened a box of rebel issue chicken kiev foil meals.
"Yucc," said Daria. "Chicken kiev again? Can't those rebels think of anything else appealing that ain't geard for the fashionable and the popular? Anyhow, the next step is to locate Yodeling Amy, if she ever exists."
"But I do exist," said a new voice who yodeled a Swiss type yodel--and it came from a brown haired (with curls) woman in an old robe, with glasses and elf ears that stuck out from the sides of her head--and she had a green complexion and was seated atop the stove.
"What're you doing on top of my stove?" said the surprised Starkiller.
"You never heard of a gnome on the range?" said the elven woman.
"Oh, right," said Daria. "Well, can you help me out from the slimy mudhole I just landed in?"
"Slimy mudhole?" said the stranger. "My home, it is!!"
"Well, I didn't 'spect you to be Mister Clean," said the Starkiller. "Besides, I came here to look for a Cynic mistress."
"Cynic mistress?" said the elven woman. "Yodeling Amy, you seek Yodeling Amy Barksdale. Take you to her, I will, but first, a real meal I treat you to." With that, she took Daria by the hand to the hovel near their camp.
"At least it'll be better than chicken kiev," she muttered.
With The Grateful Dead's Casey Jones playing, the Millennium Diva was having a hard time trying the evade the chasing TIE fighters that were blasting away, each pilot cursing for each missed shot and their leader shouting, "How many times have I told you not to curse?" Inside the Diva, however, Han Sandi was in the hold, trying to fix the circuits.
"You sure the hairs from my mink coat didn't clog the engines?" said Tiffbacca, who took off her coat.
"I hope not," said Sandi. "Now let's see.......is it tab A or tab B? Is it plug 1, 2, 3,4, 5, 6 or 7 that is loose? Hand me that bobby pin, Tiffy, so I can check? Where would we ladies be without bobby pins?"
Suddenly, a jolting shock, shook up the ship, causing a tool box to fall on her head.
"You hurt?" said a dazed Tiffy.
"No, I like it when tool boxes fall on my head," said a testy Sandi,. "Wait....," she added. "That was no weapon blast, something hit our ship."
Running back into the cockpit, with Tiffbacca following, Sandi could see, as did Quinn and Brittpio, through the window, countless asteroids hurtling towards the ship.
"Just when we had seen it all," grumbled Sandi. "Brittpio, what do you recommend for asteroids?"
"Have you tried," said Brittpio, "Preperat--"
"She said 'asteroids,' said Quinn, "not that--ugh--other thing,"
"You said you wanted to be there if I made a mistake," said the fashion pirate.
"You can't win them all," said Quinn.
"What chance we got in an asteroid shower now?" said Tiffbacca.
"What else?" said Sandi, who took control of her ship and gunned it through the gaps between the giant 'roids, and at top speed, no less.
"You've gone crazy to fly through something like that," said the Cookiee.
"So would those TIE pilots," said the fasion pirate, "and to them, it beats reporting failure to their cell 'phone rambling Dark Lady."
"But Sandi," said Brittpio fearfully, "the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is at 3324, 000, 000 to one!!"
"Never tell me the odds," rebuked Sandi, "and never tell me to use low grade lip gloss. Hang on!!"
The jewelled ship darted in and out through the asteroids, pinball sound effects playing, but for the Imperial TIE pilots, that was a different story, with them crashing, burning and exploding, each pilot saying, "Ouch." Finally the Millennium Diva flew to a planet sized asteroid and dove down into a giant cave in it.
"That does it," said the fashion pirate. "We should be safe and sound in there." Then upon seeing Quinn wearing a shower cap, she added, "What's the shower cap for?"
"You said we were in an asteroid shower, right?" said Quinn. "No princess like me in her right mind wants to get her braids wet."
Even as Sandi and her crew were hiding out, onboard the Imperial Super Star Destroyer Executive, in her meditation chamber, Darth Helen was playing with a Sony PSP when Admiral Gupty entered. Looking up, Helen said, "What is it, Admiral? I was in the middle of Final Fantasy."
"Our ships," said Leslie Gupty, "have sighted the Millennium Diva, my lady, but it turned chicken and flew into and asteroid field so that--"
"Asteroids don't concern me, Admiral," said Helen, who took a sip of Ultra Cola. "I want that ship, not excuses--unless you're all just sissies."
"Sissies?" said Leslie. "We'll prove we're no sissies, milady.We'll get that ship if we've got to clean all the bathrooms here with just a toothbrush." And with that, she bowed and exited.
In the Millennium Diva's cockpit, Sandi had shut down all her equipment saying, "Brittpio, we're going to need you to converse with the Diva's computer so we can fix the hyperdrive. Got your antivirus with you?"
"Never leave home without it," said the cheer droid.
Suddenly, the ship was shaking and tilting to the left, shaking up the crew before stopping.
"That was some quake," said Tiffbacca.
"It's possible we're in an asteroid quake," said Brittpio, "and/or that the 'roid may not be stable."
"Not be stable?" said Sandi. "At least you're here to tell me these things." Turning to Tiffbacca, she spoke, "Tiffy, take the pom pom professor and plug her in the hyperdrive."
"Let's go, rah rah," said the Cookiee, who led the panicked cheer droid who said "EEP!!" but after they exited, the whole ship tipped to one side and back, causing Sandi to fall onto her chair--and Quinn to fall on her lap.
"Let go of me, you nit," said Quinn, "it's making me nervous!!"
Realising she had her arms 'round the princess' waist, Sandi blushed and let go, saying, "Now what made me do that?"
"You know what just did," grumbled Quinn, who got off and exited the cockpit. "I got a fashion pirate who's a lesbian......!!"
"Me a lesbian?" called out the fashion pirate. "Don't make me laugh!!"
Half an hour later, the crew was doing repairs, as Brittpio, hooked up to the computer via USB cord, grumbled, "Where's Kevvy when I need him....?" Then turning to Sandi, who was using an Erector set to repair something and Tiffbacca was changing fuses and said, "Your computer excells at using Esperanto but I believe it said the positive veeblefitzer was polarised. You've got to replace it."
"Naturally I've got to replace it," shot back Sandi, who turned to Tiffy and said, "Tiffy, I think we'd better replace the positive veeblefitzer."
"Wait," said Tiffy. "Here's a trick I learned in the Cookiee army--you stick a penny in the fuse box and get instant results right away."
And get results she did; upon sticking the penny in the fuse socket, she was covered in electric shocks and the words ZZZZZZZZZZ!! CRACKLE!! before turning into a dazed smoking Cookiee that said, "Brr."
"Tiffy, said Sandi testily, "now's no time to show off. Get on with the repairs." Then turning to Quinn, who was trying to fix a watt hour meter, she said, "You know, that glitter on your nails looks good and it's the latest fashion trend."
Taken back by that compliment, Quinn blushed, giggling, "You think so? How 'bout my lip gloss, is it fashionable?"
"It goes well with satin miniskirts and strapless, gowns," said Sandi, "so much, the better. As a princess, what jewellery would you reccomend with that?"
"Truly they do," said the princess, who couldn't help but stare into Sandi's eyes, and hold her hand..........until Brittpio stepped in and said, "Paron me, am I interrupting something?"
Snapping out from the trance, Sandi said bitterly, "You WERE--it's the first time the director allowed me to touch something that wasn't alien nor droid and you botched it!!"
"Sorry," said the cheer droid.
Onboard the Executive, Darth Helen was in a tete a tete with a hologram of Imperial Star Destroyer Revenger captain Erin Barksdale who was saying, "So far, we went over the asteroid field with a fine tooth comb, even using an afro comb, but the way I see it, they've been wiped out, no lie."
"And I still say," stated Helen, "that they're somewhere, out there, with apologies to Deodato. I want all ships to sweep that asteroid field, even if it means using a Hoover Vacuum till they're found."
"If you insist," said the holo of Rita before it faded, just as Admiral Gupty showed up, saying, "Milday, the Empress requests a word with you."
"Move that ship from the asteroids to ensure an easy transmission," said the Dark Lady, "and use the new Verizon FIOS system for a faster quality transmission."
A moment later, in her private chamber, Darth Helen knelt on the platform before an empty space in the chamber with the reverence of a priest worshipping his godhead. Soon, filling the vast chamber was a 12 foot hologram of a hooded and robed Janet Barch, the Empress of The Barksdale Empire.
"What is thy bidding, my mistress?" said the Dark Lady. "Care for some Starbucks coffee?"
"Not just yet," said Barch. "There is a great disturbance in the Farce and it's worse than the world economy."
"I've felt it," said Helen.
"We've got a new enemy," said the Empress, "the glasses wearing rebel that blew up The Def Starr and Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer is her name. I have no doubt she's the offspring of Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer."
"How can it be?" said Lady Darth Helen. "That sounds like Ripley, as in Believe It Or Not."
"Search your feelings," said Janet, "and you will know it to be true."
"She's just a teen," said the Dark Lady. "Obi Jane can no longer help her. Who'd be stupid enough to help someone that was born a brain?"
"Just the same," said the Empress Barch, "the daughter of Morgendorffer must NOT become a Cynic. We'd be up the wazoo with broadcasts of Sick Sad World and cheese statues."
"If she could be turned," suggested Helen, "she would be a popular conformitive fashion and diva loving ally."
"Well.........why not? And she could learn to hate males on the side." said Janet. "Can it be done?"
"She will join us or die, my mistress," stated the Dark Lady. After that, Barch's hologram faded, Helen already mentally outlining her ultimate master plan.
It was a rainy night on Doggieboy at the house near Daria's camp, The Dramatics' In The Rain playing on Kevin Detoo's built in player as he sat near Daria who was eating a hot meal of chili stew cooked by the green yodeler.
"Listen, how far away is Yodeling Amy?" said the Starkiller. "A would be Cynic Knight gets bored easily."
"Have patience, grasshopper," said the creature. "How come you dream of applying for the job as a Cynic?"
"Because of my mum," said Daria. "I mean, like mother, like daughter, that cliche."
"A strong Cynic was she," said the gnome. "A strong Cynic, always with her cell 'phone."
"And how could you know her?" said Daria a bit impatiently. "I think you're giving me the run around claiming you know--I think you're just a shill and a tourist trap trying to waste my time!!"
Hanging her head, the creature grumbled, "I give up. How can I train that girl when she's got no patience and calls me a shill? She's got no patience."
From out of nowhere, came the disembodied voice of Obi Jane saying, "Give her a break, huh, she'll learn it. She tends to say stuff she don't mean to say."
"And she's way too sarcastic," said the creature, who obviously, was none other than Yodeling Amy Barksdale, "like her mother, only her mother was even more bratty," she added.
"Yodeling Amy.......," said the Starkiller in surprise, "Jane, I can be a Cynic.Tell her to give me a screen test, that I can be ready, I didn't mean to call her a shill."
"You ready?" and Amy. "Don't make me laugh. For 800 years have I trained Cynic and showed them to look to Sick Sad World. My own counsel on who gets the bragging rights. Now Daria, all her life, she's looked away, to Raft collage, to a talk show. A Cynic craves not these things. You're reckless."
"So was I, if you remember," said Jane. "And so was my sister Penny as well."
"Hey, come on," added Kevin, "give her a break, what's the worst that could happen?"
"Can she finish what she begins?" said Amy. "I hate drop outs."
"She's our only hope," said Obi Jane, "and the only way for the story to carry on."
"Don't worry," said the Starkiller, "I won't fail you, I'll even dress like a schoogirl a la Britney to pass--what am I saying? And I won't be scared."
"You will be," said Yodeling Amy. "They're always scared......that don't make sense."
Several Star Destroyers were blasting at the big asteroids (and N.W.A.'s Straight Outa Compton playing), TIE Bombers were dropping bombs all over the asteroid landcape, dotted with LANDSCAPE FOR SALE, CHEEP, but deep down, hidden in the crater, the Millennium Diva was safe. And right now, in its cockpit, a bored Princess Quinn was playing paddle ball when she spotted a handful of bat winged sucker creatures saying, "Knock, knock, who's there?" Jumping from her seat in fright, she ran into the main part of the ship, exclaiming to Sandi, "There's something DREADFUL out there!!"
"I knew it!!" said Brittpio. "LeAnn is out there!!"
"You worry too much," said Tiffbacca. "LeAnn in an asteroid's cave is so wrong."
"Well it's worse," shot back Quinn. "it's a bat winged creature born to turn your stomach."
"Worse than LeAnn?" said Sandi. "Well, let's take a look. If it's Upchuck The Hutt, we'd best be ready for a fight."
With that in mind, Sandi, Tiffy and Quinn each donned a breather mask and stepped out side the ship into an opressive aired cave with a thick fog.....and the faint sound of a heart beating in the distance......................
"It's like the swamp here," said Quinn.
"And see those rocks?" said Sandi. "One of them looks like a giant heart, the other two look like a pair of lungs, and the last one looks like a.....ew, liver...."
"And, ew, the rock we're standing on," said Tiffbacca, "it's so slick and mashy and--"
Once again the sound of "Knock, knock, who's there?" could be heard as the bat winged creatures came flying from nowhere, which in turn prompted the ladies to bast them all. When they were finished, Sandi said,"Ew.......just as I thought.......a Knock Knock."
"A Knock Knock," said Quinn. "I don't care what you call it, they're icky."
"Tiffy check any of those Knock Knocks, they're chewing on the bling jewellery adornments and cables," said Sandi.
No sooner had she said that another horde of Knock Knocks flew out from the shadows, some even flying past the cockpit windscreen where inside, a terrified Brittpio scramed, "Shoo!! Shoo!! Beastly perverted Knock Knocks!! EW!!"
Enraged, Tiffy took a potshot at one of the flighty creatures, and the interior quaked and rumbled.......and upon hearing that, Han Sandi muttered, "I was right.....when you see a bunch of alien organs, you know what just happened." And as if to prove her point, she aimed her blaster down at the surface and shot at it, triggering another rumber and a deep voice shouting, "OUCH!!"
"Wouldn't you know it?" said the fashion pirate. Turning to the Cookiee and the princess, she barked, "Take off, all of you!! We're hightailing it!!"
"Step on it," said Tiffy, "Sandi ain't joking!!"
Running into the jewelled ship, and into the hallways to the cockpit, Quinn called out, "Don't you know The Empire may be out there, ready to nick our hides?"
"Now's no time to debate it in a fashion club," retorted Sandi.
"I am NOT a fashion club!!" shot back Quinn.
Upon entering the cockpit, Sandi and Tiffbacca (with Frank Sinatra doing I've Got You Under My Skin) piloted the ship....and up ahead were two rows of rotting teeth, closing.
"Ew, whoever owns those teeth, didn't brush," said Tiffbacca.
"We're doomed!!" panicked Brittpio. "I want my mummy droid!! And I want my Kevvy!!"
"Is it Dar(ia) Wars," said Princess Quinn, "or Jaws 3?"
"Right now, it seems to be both!!" said Sandi. "Hang on!!"
Banking the Millennium Diva to one side, the fashion pirate flew it--right out from the mouth of a giant space slug with the words JAWS FAN CLUB tattooed on one side, and flying out into the asteroid scattered space, the slug grumbling, "Oh, foo........and I had my taste buds set for some fashion girls....."
"Boy," said Quinn to Sandi, "you're as bad as me."
"At least you chose a laundry chute to hide it," said the fashion pirate.
Just like she said, the Starkiller took to wearing a school girl's outfit--the midriff baring kind, no less, along with a kerchief on her head as she was cleaning a gas oven whilst Yodeling Amy stood nearby.
"Listen, I don't think cleaning an oven is part of the Cynic's training," said Daria.
"Trust me," said Amy. "and after you finsh with that, I've got some bags of laundry for you to wash. After that, a special surprise awaits you."
After all that, the "special surprise" turned out to be Daria running all over the swampy landscape with Amy riding piggyback on her, saying, "Now jump over that pond."
After jumping over that, the Starkiller said, "You sure all that running will help me with my Cynic training?"
"Absolutely," said Amy. "Why do you think I'd ask to ride piggy back with you?"
"Is that all?" said Daria. "I thought it was because you were cheap to spring for a cab."
"Well one you must remember," said Yodeling Amy, "is that a Cynic's power comes from cheese fries, Sick Sad World and The Farce, but beware the dark side, for it can radio control you, just like Rasputin controlling the Tsarista Alexandra Romanov, as it did with Obi Jane's prodigy."
Coming to a stop near a blackened tree with a sign reading CONDEMMNED BY ORDER OF THE SEVEN DWARFS URBAN RENEWAL CO., a tired out Starkiller panted whilst Amy jumped down to the land, then she tensed, saying, "Something ain't right.......I feel cold.......death.........fear.........even Homer Simpson's body odor....""
"That tree," said Amy, pointing to it, "is strong with the dark side of The Farce, as well as the stink of day old axle grease. Into it you must venture--but please give me your lightsabre; that would be cheating."
"Not take my lightsabre?" said Daria. "I need it for a flashlight."
"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Amy who took to her PSP.
Shrugging her shoulders, Daria entered the dark cavelike entrance of the tree, the tune Grim Grinning Ghosts playing nearby, igniting her sabre for illumination, as she made her way, past creatures that belched and scratched their stomachs, ghosts that looked like the Stay Puft Man, through root like decor where member of The Addams Family were chopping up some of the roots for their cooking, until she reached the exit of the tunnel........and that was when Darth Helen, her sabre ignited, stepped out of nowhere, blocking her path and charged, her omnipresent cell 'phone on her belt, but the Starkiller, already prepared (at least it was what she told herself), readied her lightsabre, and swung it , cutting off the Dark Lady's head, which fell to the ground...................and then the face changed into that of Daria's before it and the body faded from sight.
"Now why didn't I see that coming?" said Daria. "It never pays to lose your head."
Back onboard the Executive, life was mundane in its bridge, the sound of Cheap Trick's The Dream Police playing faintly when Admiral Leslie Gupty said disdainly, "Bounty hunters!! We don't need those show offs, thinking they can do better than our Empire."
"You sound J-E-A-L-O-U-S, eh?" said one officer. "Listen, we got a priority signal from the Star Destroyer Revenger."
At another part of the bridge, Darth Helen was briefing several of the toughest bounty hunters, each with their most dreadful methods--there were Spike Spiegel, Jet Black and Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop, Robin Sena and her fellow members of the STN-J from Witch Hunter Robin, Major Motkoto Kusanagi and the members of Section 9 from Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex and last of all, wearing an armoured uniform that had been used by the troops during the Brain Wars, was Sandi's mother and bounty hunter, Linda Fett Griffin. And right now, Helen was giving last minute instructions to the group, saying, "There will be a reward of Imperial credits as well as some Starbucks gift certificates added for the one who locates the Millennium Diva. You're free to use any methods, as long as they ain't messy, but I want them alive. No disintergrations--and no cyberbullying."
"As you wish," said Linda. "Besides, my daughter's been running wild for too long and been breaking curfew."
"Lady Helen," said Admiral Gupty, who just arrived, "we found them."
Pulling out her cell 'phone, Helen muttered, "Wait till I tell Eric that....."
The Coasters were doing Yakety Yak, which was playing on Brittpio's built in CD player as the Millennium Diva, chased by the Imperial Star Destroyer Revenger which was firing its cannons, finally exited the asteroid field and out into deep space.
"Yay!!!!" squealed the cheer droid, doing her splits. "We're safe from that asteroid field!!"
"Bout time," said Sandi. "Get ready for lightspeed."
"And soon," said Tiffbacca. "I never wanna see another asteroid....they're ....so dirty, ew."
"Well than make like the Nike commercial," said Princess Quinn, "and just do it."
Reaching for a control lever, Han Sandi said, "Ready.....set........take off!!" before pulling the lever.......and once again the Looney Tunes sounding conking out sound told the rebels that their hyperdrive failed them again.
"It's not fair," moaned the fashion pirate. "Why must there be another plot complication?"
"You know," said Tiffbacca, "you don't know anything when it comes to fixing a hyperdrive."
"Those MP3 circuits and heartlights were in order," shot back Sandi. "It's not my fault."
"No light speed?" said Quinn. "As a fashion pirate, you're a flop--and so's your ship."
"I said it wasn't my fault," shot back Sandi. "You wanna organise a protest over that?"
"Before you do," said See Brittpio, "try doing something now that we lost the aft defector sheild. One last hit is all it takes to turn our ship into a heap of costume jewellery."
"That does it!!" grumbled Sandi. "Hang on, fellow Spice Girls--in the immortal words of Yes, we're going for the one!!"
Instantly, Tiffbacca, Quinn and Brittpio soon found themselves in fright and no wonder--for Sandi had turned the ship 'round and was gunning it for the front part of the Star Destroyer Revenger's bridge tower.
"YIPE!!" said Brittpio.
"Sandi, whose side you on?!?" said Quinn.
"You've lost it," said Tiffbacca.
Inside the Revenger, Capt. Erin Barksdale saw the jewelled pirate ship charging at her windows and exclaimed, "There's the Millennium Diva, charging full on!! Whoever's piloting it must be a suicide jockey!!"
"That," said one of the officers, "or she's got no fault insurence."
For the moment, it looked like the ship would crash through the windows......until it veered up sharply and vanished.
"Now that was a neat vanishing act," said Erin. "Track them. They may come back for the big finale."
"Holy now you see it now you don't, Batman," said an officer. "the ship doesnt seem to be on our radar and such. Maybe it was an optical illusion."
"We just got an email," said another officer, "from Lady Helen, who requested an update of the chase."
"The story of my life," muttered Erin. "We'll rendezvous with Lady Helen's Super Star Destroyer and I'll explain what happened. If I don't come back, cancel my membership with Weight Watchers."
Having (finally) changed out from the schoolgirl outfit for a tank top and trousers, Daria was standing on her head, using The Farce to lift boxes, rocks, even Kevin Detoo who said, "That was fun, do that again, Daria."
"You seem to be doing well," said Yodeling Amy who yodeled a brief yodel. "i tought you well how to lift stuff with ease.....you may be a Cynic yet."
"Can you instruct me on how to lift wallets and money?" said the starkiller.
"On the other hand," said Amy, "further training you're earmarked for."
"Hey, Daria!!" yelped Kevin. "Your X wing just fell in the water!!"
Tumbling back on her feet, Daria could see, that her X wing had indeed fallen into the murky waters without a trace.
"Oh great," moaned the Starkiller, "so much for our only transport. We'll never get it out unless we call for a tow truck!!"
"Is that so?" said Amy. "It's always with you that it can't be done. Where's your Cynic faith?"
"I think it went out the window," said Daria. "I mean, lifting boxes, rocks and a QB droid is one thing, but when it comes to an X wing.......who wants to wind up with a hernia?"
"It's all in your mind," said Yodeling Amy. "To be a Cynic means possessing a hidden talent to lift that craft, don't you know?"
"I'll give it a try," said the Starkiller, "even if it means a hernia."
"Try not," said Amy, "do--or do not. There is no try, unless you're a whiner."
Reaching out Daria tried to use the Farce to lift the X wing, but all she got was just bubbling waters and a tired out Starkiller who fell on her back, saying, "I can't do it, it's big."
"Well it serves you right," said Amy, "for not eating your Wheaties. Besides, size matters not. Remember Davy and Goliath? For my ally is The Farce, and it's stronger than Goliath. You must feel The Farce around you, as long as it don't smother you too much--and that you should always eat your Wheaties."
"You want the impossible," said Daria, who took out her box of reheated chesse fries and ate, "and I want a pony."
"Then pay attention," said Yodeling Amy, "and see how it's done."
Using one hand (and with The London Symphony Orchestra playing the Theme Of Yoda), Amy used the Farce to bring the X wing out from the water and set it in a clearing near the camp.
"Wow," said Kevin. "A neat trick if you can do it, just like that Dave Coppertone."
"Now do you see how it's done?" said Yodeling Amy. "Another moving job, by special arrangement with Cynic Movers--we move anywhere."
"I don't believe it......" said the Starkiller. "Serves me right for not eating my Wheaties."
"That.......," stated Amy, "is why you fail.........."
When the Imperial fleet regrouped, Capitan Rita Barksdale flew via shuttle to the Imperial Super Star Destroyer Exceutive; once inside its bridge, she approached Darth Helen, who hung up her cell 'phone and said, "What brings you here?"
"We lost the Millennium Diva," said Rita. "I feel badly over my mistake and I could die."
Scowling, Helen stated, "You wish will be granted," and used her choke spell on the hapless Rita who gasped, and fell down dead; two officer hustled the corpse to cremate it. "Never could stand that prissy redhead, anyway," said the Dark Lady, as Admiral Gupty came and said, "Lady Helen, we've searched but found no hide nor hair of the Millennium Diva. If it used its hyperdrive, it's on the other side of the galaxy, at the Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami."
"Then deploy the fleet," said Helen, "and search every nook and cranny of the galaxy, and if worse comes to worst, put an ad in the paper, call Lost & Found and we'll all meet in Miami. Just don't fail me again.........Admiral."
Turning to an officer, Gupty said, "Deploy the fleet, we're Miami bound."
No-one in the Imperial fleet knew how close the were to their quarry, for even as the fleet was breaking up, no-one saw clinging to one side of the Revenger's bridge tower, the Millennium Diva. Inside was its crew, one of which was a bitter See Brittpio who grumbled, "Capitan, Griffin, you've gone too far!!"
"Be quiet, rah rah," warned Tiffbacca, "before we whip your brass bottom with a belt."
"No, I will NOT be quiet, Tiffbacca!!" shot back the cheer droid. "It's a matter of principle."
"Wow," said Quinn, "using those refridgerator magnets on the Diva worked great."
"It pays to collect such magnets like those," said Sandi. "The fleet's beginning to break up, Tiffy stand by to pull off the magnets."
"Roger Wilclock," said the Cookie who went down the hall.
"You've come up with such outlandish ideas before," griped Brittpio, "but using refridgerator magnets? What a joke!! You've all gone--"
Flipping a switch, Princess Quinn turned off the cheer droid before asking, "So how do we escape from here?"
"They've got to jettison their rubbish before they jump to lightspeed," said the fashion pirate, "and our ship looks like trash so they'll never notice."
"And where do we hide?" said Quinn. "In the Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami?"
"No, we've found a safer port and one of the most fashionable places," said Sandi. "the Annoying system.......that reminds me, I almost forgot Stacy."
"Stacy system?" said the princess.
"Stacy's no system," said Sandi, "it's a girl. Stacy Calrissian Rowe. A softy, fashion freak, you'd love her. She lives on planet Best Buy, in the posh capital city called Clod City--it's a bit far, but if we can make it if our ship runs on fumes."
"Clod City," said Princess Quinn. "I heard it's a mining colony."
"A perfume mine for prissy girls," said the fashion pirate. "Stacy conned Val out from it--we go back a long way, Stacy and me, even if she cries and whines too much."
"Can you trust her?" said Quinn.
"No," said Sandi, "but on the plus side, she's got a love for fashion but no love for the Empire.......I see it, Tiffy......pull off the magnets."
"You may care for only fashion and trying to be popular," said the princess, "but you've got your moments." Before settling down, Quinn kissed Sandi's cheek as the Millennium Diva fell off the side of the Star Destroyer's tower and fell among the now jettisoned refuse of Britney Spears CDs, chicken bones, Chinese boxes and blown out light bulbs, before the Revenger zoomed into hyperspace and with Renegade by Styx playing, the Millennium Diva took off, its destination, planet Best Buy and the Clod City.
But hidden among the debris was another ship--the flat iron shaped ship, the Slob 1, piloted by Linda Fett who followed the bejewelled craft, muttering, "Piece of cake. Christmas bonus, here I come."
On Doggieboy, Daria was once again, staning on her head, only with Yodeling Amy on her feet. And once again, the Starkiller was using The Farce to lift some rocks, boxes and Kevin Detoo.
"I don't know how long I can stand it with that blood running to my head," Daria.
"That reminds me," said Kevin. "if the blood runs to your head when you stand, why doesn't it run to your feet when you stand right side up?"
"It's because my feet ain't empty," said the Starkiller.
"Just concentrate," said Amy, "and through The farce will be given you the power of seeing the future, all covered for by AT&T....."
Suddenly, Daria shuddered, snapped open her eyes and blurted, "Sandi.....Quinn....!!" before tumbling over, Amy falling to the dirt, and Kevin falling.
"Take it easy, will you?" said the QB droid."I get plenty of hits from Britt!!"
"Control, control, you must learn control, butterfingers." said Amy.
"Sorry," said the Starkiller, "but I saw a city in the perfumed clouds."
"Shades of Jean Dixon," said Amy. "it's the future you see, in Best Buy's capital, Clod City. Friends you've got there."
"They were in torment," said Daria, "from a diva there."
"I thought Mariah had been outlawed," said Yodeling Amy.
"No," said the Starkiller, "it's another diva, a French Canadian diva.......and I just got the charges reversed by AT&T. They all got betrayed.....I've got to help them, for the sake of the story."
"You could," said Amy, "but you could also get hurt in the process, as would your friends. Besides, I still got another load of laundry for you to do."
It was sunset on the gaseous perfumey planet of Best Buy when the Millennium Diva flew through the perfume clouds when a quartet of pod like flying cars, their radios playing Inner Circle's Bad Boys and bearing the words CLOD CITY POLICE, TO SERVE & PROTECT surrounded the ship and were blasting away.
"No," said a testy Sandi into the radio, "I ain't got no landing permit. I just want to reach Stacy Calrissian Rowe." Then when a energy pulse hit her ship, she yelled, "Wait, I can explain!! If it's those unpaid tickets, I can work something out!!"
"Just don't deviate from your heading," warned the voice on the other end, "if you know what'ss good for you."
"Rather touchy," said a reactivated Brittpio. "What's the city called again?"
"Clod City," said the fashion pirate. "They know me, so we'll hide there."
"Then how come they're using their weapons on the ship?" said Tiffbacca.
"Like I said," said Sandi, "they know me."
"I thought you knew those people," said Quinn. "Must be a place for mean girls."
"That WAS a long time ago," admitted Sandi, I thought she had forgotten it, along with Bret Strand."
At that point the voice on the radio said, "Permission granted to land on Platform STBB 388, and don't forget your visas."
Turning off the radio, Sandi muttered, "Thank you." Turning to Quinn she added, "We go way back, Stacy and me, back when we used to trade schrunchies."
"And I thought we used to share our schrunchies," said Tiffy.
Escorted by the police cars, the Diva flew through the clouds, where up ahead was Clod City, a lazy susan like metropolis of towers and spires on a long shaft with a sphere at the bottom and a sign with the Auto Club logo reading WELCOME TO CLOD CITY. RESIDENTS FROM BEVERLY HILLS, PARK AVE. & PALM BEACH WELCOME. SNOBS ONLY. Then, upon reaching the upper part of the city, with its buidings resembling New York, they flew past billboards advertising MTV and Cartier products, the sound of Heatwave's Gangsters Of The Groove playing someplace, before landing on a nearby platform with a catwalk attached to the side of a building with a door reading 1515 BROADWAY AVE. Fianlly the ladies stepped out from the boarding ramp and onto the platform, taking in the sounds of New York all around.
"No one to meet us?" said Brittpio. "What a crummy welcome wagon."
"No welcome wagon," said Tiffbacca. "brr."
"And I don't like it," said Quinn. "It's a rip off."
"What would you like," said Sandi, "an engraved invation from Taylor Swift?"
"Well they did allow us to land," said Brittpio. "Maybe we'll get to meet Taylor Swift."
The door opened, and followed be a group of officers and troops that had the same youth as The 3 J's did, was stacy Calrissian Rowe, in a blue blouse, trousers and cape.
"See? said Sandi, "me old female friend and crybaby."
Coming forward, the crying Stacy said, "Why you no good double crosser. You got a lot of guts coming here after what you did,giving me bad advice on Bret Strand."
"I told you before Stacy," said the fashion pirate, "that it was going to be just fine."
"He's not worth it," said Tiffy. "No guy is."
Calming down, Stacy broke into a laugh and bear hugged Sandi, saying, "How you doing, you old fashion pirate, it's so good to see you!! Did you read what had on dieting tips in Waif?"
"Well at least she seems friendly," said Brittpio. "Maybe she can give me beauty tips on how to polish my brass body."
"I'll bet," said Quinn sarcasticlly. "Beware of prissy girls bearing Waif."
"So what brings you here, other than your ship?" said Stacy.
"Some repairs and some no salt, no butter fat free popcorn," said Sandi.
"What you do to my ship?" said a surprised Stacy.
"YOUR ship?" said the fashion pirate. "You lost it to me, fair and square when I beat you at rock paper scissors, remember?"
"Oh, right," said Stacy, before turning to Tiffy who was standing behind her boss and added, "And how you doing, Tiffbacca? You still hanging around with the queen of mean?"
"She sure wasn't mean to me," said Tiffbacca, "I mean, she paid me well."
"Pardon me," said See Brittpio, "I am See Brittpio, cheerleader droid and human cyborg relations."
"Just what we need," moaned Stacy, "another cheer droid that is so full of ego and squeaky voice, well, let's go and I'll treat you all to some low fat pizza."
As the girls and the droid entered the building which had a lot of Art Deco and local street hawkers selling pita and other New York goods, Stacy asked, "So what's wrong with the Diva?"
"Hyperdrive and some shields," said Sandi. "And some window air fresheners in the shape of a tree would help."
"I'll get my repair mates to work on it," said Stacy. "I mean that ship saved my life and carted my capri collection, it's the fastest piece of jewellery in the galaxy."
Passing through a hall decorated with posters of Boy R Guys (and vice versa), Sandi asked, "So how's the perfume mining paying off?"
"Not as fun as it used to be," said Stacy. "I've had too many layoffs due to the world's economy, too many competition from Britney's perfume company, and the Earth Day committee complaining that my products don't meet with green standards."
Laughing, Sandi said, "You? I always thought of you as the Miley Cyrus of Clod City, and you still got your troubles."
"You know, seeing you brings back memories," said Stacy. "Now if I only had my own A Shot Of Love reality show on MTV......."
But whilst Stacy, was giving the guided tour and rambiling with Sandi, Tiffy and quinn, Brittpio, a few yard behind them, was taking in all the Vegasesque hallway stores of Clod City, al la The Mall Of The Millennium, a door to one side opened and out came a silver version of her.
"Nice to see a familiar face," said Brittpio. "Do you know any cheers?"
"Chew rag weed tobacco, bimbo!!" shot back the silver cheer droid before she huffed off.
"How rude!!" muttered Brittpio. Then turning back to the now opened door she heard a voice that seem to sound just like Kevin's: "POW!! BLAM!! KABLOOEY!! Cool, the guy swallowed his teeth."
"That sounds like my Kevvy!!" said Brittpio. "He and Daria must've come back!!" Entering the room she called out, "Kevvy? Kevvy? Kevvy Detoo? It's me, See Brittpio."
Suddenly an rough unseen voice rang out, taking the cheer droid by surprise: "Hey!! You ain't our cheer droid!! You're a fake!!"
"EEP!!" squeaked Brittpio in fright. "So sorry, I didn't mean to butt in, n-n-n-no, please don't get up, you wouldn't do that to a cheerleader droid, would you? NO!!"
In reply, a rocketing energy bolt shot and hit the cheer droid in the torso, causing her to explode in to pieces landing in a heap near a sign reading USED DROID PARTS FOR SALE CHEEP. Behind that, the door slammed.
At first, Tiffbacca who was behind the group thought she had heard a noise, then she shrugged, saying, "It couldn't be. Or is it? I've got to stop eating at those cheap diners."
Kevin Detoo was safe and sound within his special socket in the X wing when Daria finished packing the DVD machine, whilst Yodeling Amy stood nearby. "Daria," she said, "you must complete the training. You don't want to wind up flipping burgers, do you?"
"I can't get the image, nor Celine out of my head," said the Starkiller. "they're my friends, I've got to help them, in order to finish the parody."
"You must NOT go," said Amy.
"But Sandi and Quinn will die if I don't," protested Daria, "and without them how can we carry on with Dar(ia) Wars, The Return Of The Cynics?"
"You don't know that," said Jane, who shimmered into sight. "Even Amy can't see their fate. And besides, they can take care of themselves., because THEY'LL be the ones saving YOU."
"And you don't know that either," said the Starkiller, "besides, you're giving away the plot. I could help them, I feel The Farce."
"But you can't control it," said Obi Jane. "It'll be a dangerous time when you will be tempted to the dark side, with some much strife in a sick sad world."
"To Obi Jane you listen," said Yodeling Amy. "The tree cave.....remember your botch up at the cave?"
"So Cynics can be human too, they make mistakes," said Daria. "Look, I'll be back and finish up when I come back and bring you some Starbucks coffee, I promise, may lightning strike me if I lie."
"It's because of your abilites and your sarcasm that The Empress wants," said Jane. "That is why your fashion friends were tortured, and to put a collect call on your AT&T."
"And that is why I must go," said the Starkiller. "that, and to protect my title."
"Daria, I don't want to lose you," said Obi Jane, "the way I lost Helen.You heard on the blogs how I was the worst Cynic instructor in the galaxy?"
"You won't" said Daria. "The rubbish you see on those blogs is just lies created by cyberbullies."
"Stopped they must be," said Amy, "both the cyberbullies and The Empire. Do you hear? On that, all depends. Only a fully trained Cynic Knight, with The Farce as an ally, along with eating your Wheaties, will be able to defeat Helen and The Empress. If you decide to drop out, if you take the quick and easy path, as Helen did, if you advocate awards shows and posh Hollywood parties and fashions, you will become an agent of evil."
"Patience," said Jane. "Remember the Guns N' Roses belief."
"And sacrifice Sandi and Quinn?" said The Starkiller. "Even fashion starved girls like them deserve a place in the circle of life."
"No worries," said Amy. "They've got their big scene in the story."
"The only proviso," said Jane, "is if you decide to take on Helen, do it alone. No way I can interfere."
"Not ever?" said Daria in puzzlement.
"It's one of the conditions, amiga," said a smirking Obi Jane.
At first, Daria paused...............then climbed into her X wing, saying, "Kevin, next stop, Clod City, the Best Buy system."
"'Bout time," said the QB droid. "That swamp planet is no place for a droid like me."
"Daria," called out Obi Jane, "don't give in to hate--that leads to the dark side, so use your Secret underarm spary, that way, you can stay calm and cool."
"Strong is Helen," said Yodeling Amy. "and strong will you be if you remember to eat your Wheaties. Mind what you've learned and look to Sick Sad World!! Save you, it can!!"
"I will," said the Starkiller, "and I'l be back with some cheese fries for all.....I promise."
That said, Daria took off in her X wing, which headed out up over the trees and out in the sky before reaching outer space, Amy lamenting, "Told you, I did. A reckless drop out was she. Now.......the matters got worse and worse still, Hollywood's advocating drugs and posh fashion."
"That amiga was our last hope," said Obi Jane.
"No..........," said Amy hopefully, "............there is another......."
But even as Daria and Kevin were rocketing off to Best Buy, in its capital city of Clod City, it was morning, a clod car zooming over the building, Spike Jones & His City Slickers doing Der Fuhrer's Face on its onboard CD player, whilst in the building of 1515 Broadway Ave., in the penthouse suite, Quinn in a red dress and white gauze cape, looked out from one of the windows at the view. "If only The Real World cast could see me now," she said, just as Sandi entered.
"The ship's almost fixed," she said. "Just got to refuel it with Britney's perfume and restock the low fat popcorn cabinet and we should be ready for take off."
"I hope so," said Quinn. "It must cost a fortune to stay in a penthouse here. Besides, no-one's seen, nor heard anything from Brittpio. You'd think she must've met some of her relatives at a droid convention here."
"I got Tiffy looking for her," said Sandi. "Figured she could use the time to shop around."
"Maybe so.....," said Quinn. "I hadn't had time to shop here at their stores. I hope they got those new baby tees, I hear they were accessorised with glow in the dark glitter....."
Even now, Tiffbacca, by chance, wound up in the local junk arcade of Clod City, operated by the piggish furry workers called Ughnots, who were taking off steel rubbish from a conveyor belt and tossing it into a roaring furnace that belched now and then. In one corner, a radio was playing Run D.M.C.'s King Of Rock when Tiffy spotted a tray of droid parts rolling on the belt ready for tossing in the furnace--and she noticed that it was of Brittpio parts and wound up in a tug of war with one of the Ughnots who said, "It's mine!! I paid my hard earned cash to get it melted!!"
"Then I'll buy it from you," said Tiffy. "You've got my cheerleader droid."
"Then all you had to do was just ask," said the Ughnot, handing the Cookiee the tray of parts.
Bursting through the opening penthouse door, Tiffbacca ran in carrying the tray of what had been Brittpio, saying, "I found Brittpio--what a time for her to go to pieces!!"
"But what happened?" said Quinn.
"I found her in a junk pile," said Tiffy.
"Found her in a junk pile?" said Sandi. "Tiffy, ew, why didn't you clean her first before bringing her here?"
"What a mess," said Quinn. "Tiffy, you think you can repair her?"
"Trying to fix anything on the Millennium Diva is one thing," said Tiffbacca, "but trying to fix a cheerleader droid--don't ask."
"Stacy's got people that could fix her, at a low rate cost," said Sandi.
"No thanks," said Quinn. "I don't trust her, fashion loving or not."
"And I don't trust her either," said Sandi, "but she IS my old friend. Besides, how many girls do you know that got a Cashman's in Clod City.?"
Just then, Stacy came in, saying, "You rang?" Then seeing the broken up Brittpio, she added, "Having troubles with your droid?"
"She just went to pieces," said Tiffbacca. "Guess she couldn't take it."
"Most prissy cheer droids never do," said Stacy. "Well, why don't you all join me for morning brunch. Everyone's invited and the food there is fat free."
Hearing that, Sandi, Quinn and Tiffbacca followed Stacy outside down the hall; along the way, Stacy explained to them the basics of her perfume mining operation, saying, "So you see, we're a small company that mine our own perfume at a low cost despite the low world economy to rival the companies in Hollywood and Vegas, which is why we don't fall under their jurisdiction--that and The Empire's."
"Stacy," said Sandi, "ain't you worried the Empire as well as all those designer companies in Hollywood and Beverly Hills might discover what you're doing and shut you down?"
"It's been a problem with Joan Collins' spies everywhere," said Stacy, "but I just made a deal that'll put my company on the map and at the same time, keep those fat cat perfume execs and The Empire out from here for good."
Coming to a stop at a set of twin sliding doors, Stacy opened them; inside was a long dining table where at the other end was Darth Helen who rose to her meanacing height.
"Oops....," said Tiffy. "didn't mean to barge in."
Not waiting for anything else, Sandi drew out her gun and shot several bolts at The Dark Lady who deflected them with her hand and said, "Now that was uncalled for," and used The Farce to snatch the gun from the fashion pirate's hand and claim it in hers, setting the weapon on the table and adding, "I just got off the 'phone with Eric and you treat a V.I.P. like me with gunshots? Anyway, we'd be honoured if you would join us. Normally I don't eat out much, but for you, I made an exception."
"So did I," said Linda Fett, her rifle drawn, as she stepped out from a niche. "Sandi, you've been a naughty girl. You wait till I get you home, after I take you to Upchuck the Hutt."
Worse still, 40 Imperial troopers showed from behind the ladies, their weapons drawn. "Freeze you fashion scum!!" one of then said. "The REAL cops're here!!"
"Cops?" said Tiffbacca. "We on TV?"
"I had no choice," said Stacy to Sandi. "They arrived right before you did, using a shortcut. Sorry."
"Sorry too," said the fashion pirate. "How could you sell out to The Empire?"
"Simple," said Stacy. "They threatened to cyberbully me and spread cruel lies, saying I wasn't prettier than Taylor Swift."
"You're right," said Sandi. "You had no choice."
"Out of the frying pan," said a disdainful Quinn, "and into the fire. I wonder where Daria is now?"
At that moment, Daria was approaching Best Buy in her X wing. "Good thing we used the freeway to get there faster," she said to Kevin.
"I hope Britt's with them," said Kevin. "I owe her a new crystal bullhorn after when Princess Quinn broke it."
Tiffbacca felt like she was going insane!!
And no wonder, because in her cell, it was drenched in bright light, and to add to her misery, Celine Angihel was heard on some hidden speakers, singing--ugh-- My Heart Will Go On, which caused the Cookiee to stop up her ears and cover her eyes at the same time......until at last it ended, and the bright light went out. Sighing, Tiffy got up and pulled out an MP3 player with a head set and was soon listening to Lorenna Mc Kennitt, deep in comfort, then turning to the tray of Brittpio's parts, and took out the cheer droid's head and attatched that to her torso and said, "I'll try all I can to put you back together, rah rah, but if I can't get it right, don't stick me with a malpractise suit." That said, she adjusted some wiring until Britt's eyes glowed and she said, "EEP!! Now that hurt--huh? Imperial stormtroopers, here? Having their own party without inviting me? We're in danger!! I must warn the others!! OH NO!! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!!"
"Hurts to be you, doesn't it?" said Tiffbacca who proceeded to try to put the rest of See Brittpio together again.
Elsewhere two Imperial troopers (with Darth Helen looking on) were getting their jollies by strapping Han Sandi Griffin to two posts in a differnt cell, to prevent her from defeating their plans they had in mind. And one of the troopers, JZ-327 said, "I can hardly wait to give that brat what's coming."
"Bonus cash, here we come," said the other trooper, SP-558. "Now I can buy that engagement ring for my significant other. You got your earplugs set?"
"All set," said JZ-327.
"Let'er rip," said SP-558, "and show no mercy."
JZ-327 turned on a CD player and--you guessed it--Celine was blaring from the speakers doing--ugh again--Because You Loved Me, so it was no wonder poor Sandi screamed, not just from the torture, but also to drown out Celine. In any case, Helen, having seen enough, exited the chamber, where out in the hall, were Linda Fett and Stacy Calrissian Rowe, who had a regretful look on her face.
"CAN'TTTTT TAAAAKKKEEE!!!!!!!" yelled Sandi from in the chamber. "AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH......BURP!!!!!!!"
Unmindful of the fashion pirate's 21 decibel yells of anguish, Lady Darth Helen went down the hall, followed by Linda Fett, as Stacy said, "Lady Helen."
"You will take Captain Griffin," said Helen, "to Upchuck The Hutt, before I have Starkiller and before you ground your daughter."
"She's no good to me dead," said Linda. "I could get cheated out of a grounding."
"She won't be permamently damaged," said the Dark Lady."Just a treatment of Tori, Jewel, Loreena Mc Kennitt and she'll be good as new."
"AH!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!! OHHHHHH!! YAAAAAAAAG!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" continued Sandi from the chamber. "H-e-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-p!! H-e-e-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-p!!!! H-E-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-P!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Lady Helen," said Stacy, "I don't mean to interrupt your fun, but what of Quinn and the Cookiee?"
"They must never again leave the city," said Helen. "They're big pains in my bottom as it is, and bad dull brats."
"That was never a part of the deal," protested Stacy, "nor was giving poor Sandi to that bounty hunter mum of hers. She deserves better."
"And you're saying we're treating you unfairly, after we bent over backward just so you can keep your perfume company?" said the Dark Lady.
"Uh......no," said Stacy.
"And rightly so," said Darth Helen, who along with Linda Fett, entered a lift. "It would be most unfortunate if I had to place a garrison of VH1 divas here." Having said that, the elevator lift doors sealed, Stacy muttering, "The deal's getting worse all the time. Serves me right for trusting a woman that rambles into her cell 'phone."
Tiffbacca had just finished attatching each arm on Brittpio when the cheer droid said, "Thanks so much now I can wave my pom poms....but I can't see yet."
"Hang on, said the Cookiee who rewired again and Brittpio said, "Thanks so--EEP!! You got me backward!! You fur coat wearing fashion fathead!! Only a slit eyed prissy bird like you would--"
"What a complainer," grumbled Tiffy, who wasted no time in pulling a wire, casuing the cheer droid to go dead. After that, the door opened and troopers JZ-327 and SP-558 dragged in an exhausted Sandi who fell to the floor of the cell, the first trooper saying, "Victory is ours--and so is our bonus money."
"Wanna go get some beers to celebrate?" said the second.
"Sure," said the first before they exited, closing the door, a delierious Sandi moaning, "I feel dreadful."
Jumping to her feet, the Cookiee helped her friend to a bed and gave her a second MP3 player with a headset, and soon the fashion pirate was listening to Deborah Gibson....0.7 seconds before the door opened again and Quinn was shoved in; Tiffbacca produced yet another MP3 player and headset so that Princess Quinn could cure herself with Teena Marie. Several hours later, the Cookiee said, "Was it Celine they tortured you with?"
"Yup," said Quinn. "They used The Power of Love."
You're lucky," said Tiffy. "They played My Heart Will Go On."
"I was unlucky," said Sandi, who was recovering. "They used Because You Loved Me."
"Those Imperial devils," said Quinn. "Why were they doing all that?"
"They never asked me any questions," said the fashion pirate. "Must've done it as a prelude to whatever fate I deserve."
"Like your freeze session?" said Tiffbacca.
"Tiffy!!" said Quinn testily. "No spoilers!!"
Suddenly the door opened and Stacy, with some of her rifle toting officers entered; seeing that, Sandi jumped to her feet and snarled, "Get out of here, Stacy!!"
"Just be quiet and listen, huh?" said Stacy, almost sounding like she was crying. "I've already tried to bend over backward to save you. just be thankful you all had Blue Cross."
"Something tells me," said Tiffbacca, "it's one of those torture your friends to get the main character to save them and walk into a trap."
"You could say that," said Stacy. "Lady Helen's agreed to allow Quinn and Tiffy to stay with me whereas Sandi is sold to her mum the bounty hunter."
"I knew it!!" said Sandi. "My mum's going to ground me!!"
"And after she does that," said Quinn, "then Helen's going to ground me and Tiffy before we're all dead."
"No, Helen's only after someone named Starkiller," said Stacy. "Y' see, Lady Helen's set a trap for her."
"And we're the bait," said Quinn. "Ew."
"I was right," said Tiffbacca. "It's so wrong."
"Maybe," said Stacy, "but that Starkiller's coming here, for the sake of the parody."
Enraged, Sandi bunched up her fists, growling, "It's bad enough you try to steal my scrunchies, but now you've fixed me up good....friend!!"
Charging like a wild bull, the fashion pirate tried to hit Stacy, only to be bashed on the head with the officers' rifle butts, until Stacy said, "Stop!! Don't damage your costly weapons!!" Then to a dazed Sandi, she said, "I did all I could. That Lady Helen's tough as a city lawyer. Besides, Bret finally made up with me......"
After Stacy and her officers left, Tiffy and Quinn helped Sandi to a bed, the princess saying, "You sure got a strange way with friends."
"Least we've got Blue Cross," said the Cookiee.
"If it wasn't for our pay or play contracts," said Sandi, "I'd bail out from that inane parody here and now.........."
Deep within the city, near the reactor shaft of Clod City, was the spider web decorated freeze chamber, the Ughnots preparing it, whilst one Ughnot's radio was playing Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. Nearbay were Stacy, Darth Helen, and Linda Fett.
"We got ourselves a sure bet for sure, Eric," Helen was saying into her 'phone. "Once we do our test, then we'll bring our new trophy to the Empress. No, I don't mean like the Predator's trophy, Eric, you putz!! Just put down my bet!!" After hanging up, the Dark Lady said. "The Alto Shaam facility is crude, but it should be just the thing to put Daria on ice before I bring her to the Empress, frozen assets and all."
"You know," said Stacy, "we only use that to freeze our frozen TV dinners. If you put Miss Starkiller in there, it'll kill the Starkiller."
"Not a bad play on words," said the Dark Lady, "but I don't want the Empress' prize to be damaged, which is why we'll test it....on Captain Griffin." Turning to a trooper, she said, "Bring in Han Sandi and her mates!! We've got an exclusive for pay per view!!"
"Wait!!" protested Stacy. "That ain't an ice thing to do."
"I don't think that line will help your cause any," said Helen, who turned as the jeering troopers hearded in Sandi, Quinn and Tiffbacca, who had strapped to her back, a market bag which held a grumbling Brittpio. "The least you could've done," she muttered, "is put my legs on."
"So sue me because those troopers didn't give me time to do so," said the Cookiee, "They DID hustle everyone out here, and I don't mean as in disco."
Turning to Stacy, Sandi muttered, "I should know better, but what's going on here.....'buddy?'"
"Your're going to be frozen," said a weeping Stacy, "and turned into a frozen dinner."
"Tis a far, far better thing I do," said the fashion pirate, "then I had ever done before, or something like it."
"What if she doesn't pull through the freeze process?" said Linda. "She's more valuable to me for a spanking."
"The Empire will compensate for you," said Helen, "by hiring a rent a daughter for your needs." Turning to the troopers near Sandi, she ordered, "Put her in."
"That is all I can stand," said Tiffbacca who ran to the group of troops, losing her temper."I can't stand no more!!" What happened next was a mish mash melee of one enraged Cookiee duking it out with a platoon of death dealing Imperial troops, Brittpio in the midst shouting, "Stop!! I was programmed for cheerleading, not boxing!! Ouch!! She didn't mean it!!" A bell rang somewhere and one of the Ughnots said, "Round two." Finally, Sandi rushed in, shouting, "Tiffy, no!! Stop it, Tiffbacca!!"
"You heard her," said Lady Helen to the troops. "stop fighting!! As you were!!" Then under her breath, she added, "Could've made a pay per view event on that."
Upon reaching her friend, Sandi stared at her grimly, saying. "Save your health for another time in The Return of The Cynics, OK? You've got to look after the princess."
"But Sandi," said the Cookiee who wept mournfully, "in the words of that 70's band, New England, I don't ever wanna lose you."
"No buts, Tiffy," said Sandi. "I'll be back in the sequel; till then, if people ask nicley I can take time out parodying the Raiders Of The Lost Ark series."
"If you insist," sobbed the Cookie. From there Sandi turned to a weeping Quinn who said, "I love you......"
"I know," said Sandi. "Ever since that Fat Like Me story we did." Bravely, she and Quinn kissed and then the fashion pirate stepped to the centre of the platform, Linda Fett moaning, "My daughter, a lesbian!! Now you're going to get it, Sandi!! I disown you!!"
With White Town's Your Woman playing on his radio, the Ughnot pulled a lever and Sandi fell in the hole, engulfed in belching clouds of ice cold fog, Tiffbacca, Quinn and Brittpio wailing a baleful farewell in tears as the platform came back up, the fog disspating--revealing an Alto Shaam aluminum tray seven feet in size, with several switches and an LED readout on the side.....and in the tray, frozen in ice, with peas, carrots and an Apple Brown Betty, was Sandi.
"I get it," said Brittpio, "they're turning her into a frozen TV dinner. She'll be just fine....that is, if she pulled through."
"Let's keep our fingers crossed then," said Tiffy.
"Well?" said Darth Helen to Stacy who was looking over the said frozen container.
"I don't know," said Stacy. "she looks like niblet corn."
"Pardon me," said the Ughnot, who had frozen Sandi, "that IS niblet corn; Han Sandi is in the OTHER contaner and in perfect hibernation, so she'll pull though. Least she'll be around for Dar(ia) Wars 6, at least."
Hearing that, Helen said to Linda, "Sandi is all yours, along with a complimentry roll of Bounty paper towel. You may take her to Upchuck The Hutt."
"And good riddence," said Linda. "She's no daughter of mine."
Turning to Admiral Gupty who had just arrived, the Dark Lady said, "Reset the chamber for Starkiller. We'll give her a cold reception for her along with a bottle of cold duck."
"Strange you should mention that," said Gupty. "She just landed and is inserting The Club in her steering wheel."
"Just make it easy for her to come here," said Helen. "Got it?"
"Uh, I'll take what's mine now," said Stacy, "as in Quinn and the Cookiee."
"Take them," said Helen, "to my shuttle for the Executive. I don't trust them round you, and besides, I got a rep as a villian to protect. Time I did some grounding of my own to those women."
"But you said--" protested Stacy, just as her throat was gripped in Helen's Farce choke hold, "G~A~S~P......!! You lied to me......!!"
"Naturally I lied to you," said Helen. "All villians never tell the truth, don't you know? So pray that I don't lie any further!!"
Freed from Helen's spell, Stacy got her breath back and said to Quinn and Tiffy, "Let that be a lesson to you--never make deals with a lady of the Spit."
"I could've told you that," said Quinn.
"Amen," said Tiffbacca.
UUpon entering the 1515 Broadway building, Daria and Kevin were in one of the hallways, when the QB droid spotted something. "Look at that!!" he said.
Ahead in one of the intersecting halls, was Linda Fett, leading with some troops bringing, in a Radio Flyer waggon, the frozen bas relief Han Sandi in her frozen dinner tray.
"A giant frozen dinner with peas, carrots and an Apple Brown Betty," said Kevin.
"Frozen dinner my eye," said The Starkiller, "it's Sandi, frozen in that meal. "You look for the others and I'll follow that dinner."
"Be careful," said the QB droid, "it's a jungle out there."
But no sooner had Daria and Kevin split, no sooner did the Starkiller close in on her quarry, a door slammed in front of her, as did a second door behind her--and the floor she was standing on rose up, bringing her up to the foggy freeze chamber.
"Second floor," said Daria, "frozen factories, and Spit Ladies, everyone out."
Indeed, on the other side of the chamber, her ignited lightsabre in one hand, and her cell 'phone in the other, was Lady Darth Helen, who was saying to Eric, "It's all too easy, Eric, my plan's working so far, so place some extra quid for a new bet--the Starkiller is ours." After hanging up, she said to Daria, "The Farce is with you, Miss Starkiller Morgendorffer, buy you're no Cynic yet."
"No," said Daria, "but after I get through with you, then I can complete my training."
"And I say there's going to be some changes here," said the Dark Lady, who lunged with her sabre, until the Starkiller, who ignited hers, deflected the blow, a bell ringing somewhere and an Ughnot carrying a card reading ROUND 1. Nearby, two Ughnots were commenting on the fight.
"Now there's something you don't see every day, Chauncey," said the first Ughnot.
"What's that, Edgar?" said the second.
"Two strange women clashing with neon swords," said Edgar.
"I don't know Edgar, the older woman's got a chance to win, but I've got my money bet on the other one," said Chauncey.
"Quite a pay per play turnout we got here," said Edgar.
And that was how it was with Daria and Helen, their lightsabres in a clash, and I don't mean the punk band........
In another hallway, six Imperial troopers were marching Stacy, Quinn, Tiffbacca and Brittpio, when 50 of Stacy's troops stepped out from the other hallways, their guns drawn at them, shouting, "SURPRISE!!"
"Huh?" said the lead trooper. "Where's the surprise?"
"Right here," said Stacy, who wasted no time in taking all the troopers' blasters, then saying to her officers, "Bring those drunken punk troopers and stash them in the clink, and keep it quiet!! No-one must know, lest it scare the people."
"Hey, we ain't no drunken punks," protested one of the troopers as he and his fellow troops were led away."Oh, well," he added, "least we'll get paroled on good behaviour....."
After the enemy troops had been taken, Stacy handed Quinn, Tiffy and Brittpio each a blaster and took the last one for herself, saying, "Let's go, we've got a fashion pirate to save."
At first, the other ladies were taken aback by the newest turn of events, but Tiffbacca chose to choke Stacy, saying, "You 'spect me to believe that, you lair, I mean liar?"
"I had no choice, remember?" gasped Stacy.
"Tell it to the judge," said Quinn. "After what you did to Sandi, and after she shared her scrunchies with you."
"Wait!!" said Stacy. "There's still time to save Sandi--they're at Platform SMAS 440!!"
"You mean it?" said the Cookiee.
"May my mascara run like mud if I lie....!!" said Stacy.
"Tiffy, let go!!" said Quinn, "and let's go!!"
"Sorry bout that," said Tiffy, who let go of Stacy who said, "I know a short cut!!"
"Then lead on, Mac Stacy," said Brittpio.
And lead on, Stacy did; along the way, they met up with Kevin, who said, "Babe!! 'Bout time I heard from you. How'd you come apart?"
"Never mind that!!" said Brittpio, "Just hurry!! We're trying to save Sandi from her mum, the bounty hunter!!"
"I know, babe," said the jock droid. "I saw her carried out like a frozen dinner down that way by her mum. It's stuff like that makes me go to pieces."
"At least YOU'RE in one piece!!" said Brittpio. "Look what just happened to me!! Serves me right for not securing my bolts!!"
But at Platform SMAS 440, the Slob 1, Linda Fett's ship was parked there, next to a sign that said, RESEVED PARKING FOR BOUNTY HUNTERS ONLY, as the soldiers loaded the frozen Sandi in the cargo section, then stepped aside as Linda boarded her ship, calling out, "Nice doing business with you. Thanks!!" and took off, just as Stacy, the princess and the droids arrived, blasting their weapons at the fleeing ship.
"No good," said Stacy. "They're far from our range."
"I wish I was home on the range," said Brittpio. "Look behind you!!"
How right she was--for a platoon of The Empire's dreaded trooper squad known as The 501st Legion were here, their blasters shooting out killer bolts at the rebels, with The Beastie Boys' (You Got To ) Fight For Your Right (To Party) playing.
"Brr," said Tiffbacca. "Now that is the end to a perfect day--and it's so wrong."
"Let's head to the Diva!!" said Quinn. "Maybe we can stop Linda Fett right then and there."
"First let's take out those Imperial troops," said Stacy, ""before Sandi winds up as Upchuck The Hutt's love slave."
With that in mind, the girls and the droids took several potshots at the enemy troops, scoring points and winning cigars one the side, till they blasted their way into the hall and ran down the long way to Platform STBB 388. Along the way, Stacy took out her cell 'phone and spoke into it: "Attention. It's me, Stacy Calrissian Rowe.The Empire's taking control of the city so I suggest you all scram out fast as soon as possible--no lie. That is all."
The light sabre fight continued in the spider web desing of the TV dinner freeze chamber between Daria and Helen, Rainbow's Stone Cold playing on one of the Ughnot's radios, and nearby, two of them, Chauncey and Edgar were giving their commentary on the action.
"You know," said Edgar, "that Darth Helen's expertise with her sabre and the dark side of The Farce make her a credit to the Spit."
"True," said Chauncey, "but Daria seems to be improving with her skills. Looks like some of her training with Yodeling Amy reaped dividends."
Indeed, Daria was doing well in standing her ground when Helen said, "You know, that is how Obi Jane died."
"Maybe," said Daria, "but her ghost is making a higher pay or play paycheck higher than you."
"She is?!?" said the Dark Lady. "I've got to tell Eric that. But for now....." Using her Farce shove magic, she caused the Starkiller to fall in the same pit where Sandi met her frozen fate. "All too easy," said Helen, using her Farce to pull the lever to start the freezer, adding, "Perhaps you weren't as sarcastic and nonconformative as the Empress thought."
Suddenly there was a KLUNK, causing the Dark Lady to look up to where Daria was hanging over the pit from the rafters, having used her Farce power to levitate just in time.
"Impressive," said Helen. "Most impressive. You'd be perfect to wash my second storey windows."
"Sorry," said the Starkiller, "but I don't do windows." Sticking out her hand, she had her sabre fly back in her hand and spark to life before she cut a hose and aimed its belching stream of ice vapor at Helen, then jumped down, saying, "So much for the cold shoulder," and jumped down to a passage with a sign: TO THE EGRESS.
Having traveled through a long tunnel, the Starkiller found herself in a vast chamber of equipment, switches, adding machines, teletypes and a round window overlooking the cylrindrical recator shaft and a sign reading CLOD CITY ELECTRIC POWER COMPANY. LET THERE BE LIGHT. But near the window, was Darth Helen who said, "What took you so long?"
"You took a shortcut, eh?" said Daria.
"What do you think?" saifd the Dark Lady, who then used her Farce to pull off the walls and toss at Daria, everything, even the kitchen sink (which she did), until an anvil shattered the window and with the rushing wind from the shaft, the Starkiller was sucked out through that window, and with The Mc Coys doing Hang On Sloopy, found herself hanging on a catwalk of an air vane in the shaft, the reactor way down below.
"Come on, Daria, said Daria, "make like The New Kids On The Block and start hanging tough." Which she did, pulling up until she was back on the catwalk, below a sign reading, NEXT TIME, TAKE THE TRAIN.
With Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak playing on his built in CD player, Kevin Detoo joined in the fight when it came to blasting away many of The Empire's 501st Legion and scoring points to win teddy bears, balloons and cigars, thus becoming the all time scorer--until he, Brittpio, Tiffbacca, Quinn and Stacy reached the door to Platform STBB 388--and it was sealed.
"Oh, great!!" said Stacy. "The plot complications keep coming with a locked door and a changed access code!!"
"Kevvy," said Brittpio, "You can get patched into the computer and open the door. Got your antivirus?"
"Naturally," said the QB droid. "I just hope there's no nasty porn here." Plugging his USB plug into the socket, he set to work, until he said, "Uh, babe, there's something you should know bout the Millennium Diva's hyperdrive--"
"We ain't interested in the Millennium Diva's hyperdrive, it's fixed and we got Britney's perfume in its fuel tanks!!" grumbled Brittpio. "Just open the door, you nit!!"
"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Kevin, just as the door opened and everyone ran out to the outside platform where the Diva was located, Stacy yelling, "JAAAAAAAAAIL BREAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!" and exchanging blasts with the Imperial troops, bells ringing for each trooper they shot, up the boarding ramp and into the ship; in one of the ship's hallways, Kevin was dragging the bag that had Brittpio, who was saying, "Oh, Kevvy, I knew you'd come for me!! That Tiffbacca could've been the death of me!!"
"How bout almost getting eaten and spat out by a shark on a swamp planet?" said the QB droid.
Outside, the Millennium Diva, piloted by Quinn and Tiffy, took off from the platform, and away from Clod City, one of the troopers on the platform saying, "Well, there goes our vacation bonuses."
"Rats," said a second trooper. "Now we'll never get to check out the Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami."
With the late Isaac Hayes' Shaft playing in the background, deep in the wind howling reactor shat, Daria had reached the entrance of the control room, and said, "OK, where's your hiding place?"
"Right here,' said Darth Helen, who stepped out from an alcove, her sabre swinging, and forcing the Starkiller to step back, along the cat walk in the shaft, to the platform with its measuring devices, one of them with a sign: MIAMI DEVICE.
"Hey, be careful!!" said Daria. "You might hurt someone--me!!"
"Naturally I might hurt someone," said Helen. "and you're beaten!! Don't make me finish you, as Obi Jane did!!"
"Only because she was careless then," said Daria, just before Jane's voice said, "I resent that!!"
"I thought you weren't helping me," said the Starkiller.
"Sorry," said Jane's voice......and that was when Helen swung her sabre, its plasma blade cutting off Daria's hand, the Starkiller writhing in pain, groaning, "That bloody smarts!!"
Trapping Daria on the platform, The Dark Lady said, "Why don't you join up with me? I can complete your training, show you the good life, even buy you that X Box 360 you dreamed of."
Unable to stand it, and in pain from her cut hand, the Starkiller roared, "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW ALL THAT?!? AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW OF MY DREAM OF GETTING AN X BOX 360?!? AFTER YOU CUT OFF MY HAND, I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU!!!!"
"How dare you act like a thankless child, after I placed a reserve copy?" said the Spit Lady. Perhaps you'd respect me if Obi Jane told you the real truth behind your mum.....!!"
"Bull," said a almost calmed Daria. "She said you murdered her."
"Well, she weaved a tangled web for your benefit," said Helen, "because I......am your mother."
"Get a life!!" said a bewildered Daria. "My mum didn't wear black body armor and a helmet, nor cut off my hand!! Is that any way to treat a daughter?!!?"
"Search your feelings," said The Dark Lady, "you know it to be true. Besides, I never was a good mother."
"NO!!!! NO!!!!" screamed the Starkiller.
"YES!!!! YES!!!! shouted The Dark Lady. "Even the Empress Barch foresaw it, so why don't you join me and we can rule the galaxy as mother and daughter--and operate a lawyer firm on the side. Come with me, my daughter.....it's the only way......"
"You're mean enough to be my mum all right," said Daria. "I'd just as soon kiss Taylor Swift than give you a Mother's Day card, if it's what you're hinting at." And with those words, she jumped off the platform, and fell down the shaft, and was sucked up by one of the many air vents in the shaft's walls, with a sign saying, TO THE EGRESS.
"Nice one, Helen," said the Lady of The Spit, "you've botched it again." Ringing up her cell 'phone, she placed a call: "Ready my shuttle and the Executive for my rendezvous--and make sure you changed the oil in the shuttle, OK?"
Falling down one chute after another, Daria came to a stop in one of them--and a trap door opened beneath her which led to another hatch embossed with the words AND STAY OUT!! on the underside of Clod City, The New Kids On The Block doing Hanging Tough playing in the background and the Starkiller falling out and landing on one of the rooster shaped weather vanes, with only the cloudy surface of Best Buy and the outside of the react and its sphere pod, and the fumes of perfume in the howling wind--and worse still, the underside hatch closing.
"Well, that does it," said the Starkiller. "Either I pay extra for AT&T to call for help, or I call on Quinn.........now I'll never get to kiss Taylor Swift......Quinn, if you can hear me, come save my bottom from a death worse than fate, I'll pay the charges."
Gary Myrick's Guitar, Talk, Love & Drums was playing on the Millennium Diva's disc player as Quinn and Tiffbacca gunned the ship away, Stacy moaning, "Well, so much for my perfume empire!! I knew it was too good to last!!"
"Well, all good things come to an end," said Tiffy. "Wait--a squadron of TIE fighters coming on behind and they're tailgating."
"Wait," said Quinn. "I got a local call from AT&T and it's from Daria, and she's in a fix. Tiffy head for the city's underside and Stacy, get ready to get Daria out from the jam she's in."
"Fine with me," said the Cookiee, "but if those TIEs blast off the paint off our ship, YOU pay for repainting at Maaco."
Arriving at the platform where her shuttlecraft was waiting, Helen paid the valet an amount of credits and she and her troupe were in the craft which took off, flying from the planet to where the Executive was waiting; after landing in the underside hatch and hangar, she deplaned, asking Admiral Gupty, "Any calls when I was away?"
"Only one," said Gupty. "MTV called and they want to know if you're interested in making a guest appearence on A Shot Of Love."
Despite the oncoming TIE fighters blasting and chasing (and Bond's Bond On Bond playing in the background), the Millennium Diva sped through under Clod City and was below Daria, clinging for dear life, until Stacy came out from the topside hatch of the ship, and grabbed the Starkiller just in time, Stacy saying, "Stacy Calrissian Rowe to the rescue."
"Here comes the cavalry," said Daria. "I take it you're another fashion lover like Quinn and Sandi."
"How'd you guess?" said Stacy, grinning.
With Bond On Bond continuing and Daria saved, the Diva sped off Best Buy, the TIEs chasing and blasting, the pilots bragging to see which one would be first to get his pay for the job at hand. Inside the Diva, Daria stumbled into the cockpit where Quinn hugged her, saying, "Oh, Daria, what happened to your hand?"
"From trying to give Darth Helen a hand out," said the Starkiller, "and the worst part is, I would be right handed."
"Strange you should mention Helen," said Tiffy. "there's a Super Star Destroyer up ahead."
"Helen's on that ship," said Daria, who mumured, "Mum......."
Inside the Executive, Helen said, "Daughter........join me....if you want to earn that X Box 360........it's the only way....."
Back on the Diva, the disillusioned Starkiller muttered, "Jane....why didn't you tell me, your amiga? I thought we were partners in crime......"
"Well," said Stacy, "let's make with the old hyperdriverino."
"IF your staff said they fixed it and filled our fuel tanks with Britney's perfume," said Quinn. "All coordinates set--it's now or never and I don't mean Elvis."
"Punch it," said Stacy.
Again, Tiffbacca pulled the lever.......
......again, the hyperdrive sounded the Looney Tunes conking out sound.........
......meaning that again the hyperdrive had failed them............
........and again, the TIEs were driving the Diva closer to the Super Star Destroyer.
"Way to fail, you stupid idiot," grumbled Tiffy. "I bet the tanks got no Britney's perfume either and no popcorn."
"They told me they fixed it!!" wailed a tearful Stacy. "I trusted them to do it!! It ain't my fault!! What a gyp!! Wait, what's that hang on the rear view mirrors? Air fresheners shaped like nude ladies? UGH!!
"EW!!" said Quinn.
"That is SO wrong," said the Cookiee.
"Not only that," said Daria, "it's stupid."
Inside the Executive, Admiral Gupty approached Helen and said, "They'll be in range of our Hoover tractor beam."
"You sure your techs, " said The Dark Lady, "deactivated the hyperdrive on the Millennium Diva?"
"Not only that," said the Admiral, "we hung on their rear view mirrors, air fresheners shaped like nude ladies to spite them."
"Then prepare your troops to raid the ship," said Helen," and set your weapons for stun. We'll whip their bottoms for sure faster than you can say Hoot Gibson."
In the Millennium Diva's central chamber, Tiffy was in the hold trying cluelessly to fix a fuse box, the Contours' Do You Love Me playing on Kevin Detoo's player and the jock droid fixing Brittpio's left leg, the cheer droid grumbling, "Why can't we jump into lightspeed?"
"I tried to tell you," said Kevin, "we can't, on account of the hyperdrive was deactivated."
"We can't?" said Brittpio. "How'd you know the hyperdrive was sabotaged?"
"The city's central computer told me," said the QB droid, "along with the fact that Sick Sad World's cancelation bound, due to bad ratings."
"The city's central computer told you?" said the cheer droid, "and that Sick Sad World's canceled? Kevin Detoo, you should know better than to trust a strange computer!!" Saying that, she hit Kevin in the head and he said, "You know, I am fed up with you using me for a punching bag!!" With that, he jolted a few shocks on Brittpio's foot with his arc welder.
"Ouch!!" yelled Brittpio. "Pay attention!!"
The TIEs chased the Diva closer to the side of the Executive to the point of almost resulting in a collision, until Kevin, saying "If you want something done, do it yourself," heading for an open power panel, Brittpio standing on one leg, holding the other one, and grumbling, "Kevvy, come back here!! You didn't finish me yet!! I hate having one leg to stand on!! Besides, you don't know how to fix a hyperdrive--Tiffbacca can do it!! Or can she? Well, anyway, I've been standing on just one leg, the Empire's burned up to the point of chasing our ship down, and you're having delusions of grandeur!!"
Pulling from the panel, Kevin held up a mains power cord with a plug, saying, "Someone pulled the plug from the socket."
"OK, who pulled the plug?" said Tiffbacca. "Oh, never mind, Kevin, plug it back in."
And Kevin did just that........and a huge roar surged through the jewelled ship, the hyperdrive coming back on; through the cockpit's windscreen, the stars ahead turned into streaks, and the ship zoomed into hyperspace.
From the windscreen of the Executive, Darth Helen saw what had happened, and said, "Oh, well......back to the drawing board." Then picking up her cell 'phone, she rung up Eric, saying, "Eric......I think it's time to eat crow for the bookies......."
Within the rebel fleet, was the medical frigate known as the S.S. General Hospital, where in a medical ward, a surgeon droid finished with fusing a mecha prostethic hand onto Daria's wrist, then the Starkiller tested it and found it sastisfactory, with Quinn, Kevin and a fully repaired Brittpio looking on.
"Not a bad fix," said Daria. "Where'd they get the new technology for my new hand?"
"From a Major Makoto Kusanagi from Section 9," said Brittpio.
At that moment, the Starkiller's cell 'phone rang; answering it, Daria said, "Spill it."
"It's me, Stacy," said Stacy, who along with Tiffbacca, was in the cockpit of the Millennium Diva, following the fleet. "We're set and ready to track down Linda Fett and save Sandi."
"Good thing Stacy sneaked in that GPS device on Linda's ship," said Tiffy. "It makes our job a lot quicker."
"All true," said Daria. "Well, good luck, as soon as we pay the medical bill and see the last broadcast of Sick Sad World, before its cancelation, we'll meet you at the rendezvous point on Tattoo You."
"Don't worry, Quinn," said Stacy, "we'll track down that Upchuck The Hutt and when we do, we'll put that living rubbish bag in his place."
"As long as we've got Britney's perfume to burn," said Tiffy.
"Take care you two," said Daria, "and don't get tempted in any fashion outlet shopping sales on the way. May The Farce be with you."
And with that, the Millennium Diva flew off into the vast distant relms of space, as Kevin said, "Well, there they go, in search of Han Sandi, with the luck of Leonard Nemoy on their side."
"Which means we can now fly off into the credits," said Brittpio.
"But wait," said Daria, "I still ain't no Cynic Knight yet, Darth Helen's on the loose and Sandi's in a fix, so if it's the end, what do all those loose threads mean?"
"Only one thing.........," said Quinn.
Somwhere, in a local cinema theatre, the bold word, SEQUEL!! came on the screen, whilst the ending theme staff roll for The Empire Strikes Back, played by John Williams & The London Symphony Orchestra could be heard; the audience were enraged and upset, and got up and stormed out from the theatre in a disgusted mood.
"Darn!!" said one man. "I paid a lot of quid and I don't get to see the end?!?"
"That was it?" said one woman. "THAT was all?"
"I loved it," said another woman, "but what a gyp!!"
"Look on the bright side," said another chap, "when they get to Dar(ia) Wars, The Return Of The Cynics, Sandi'll be defrosted."
"If you ask me," said a third man, "it's like those 1930s serials, only instead of waiting a week, we've got to wait 3 years!!"
Produced, arranged & directed by
Original Star Wars storyline by
Original Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
Produced & Directed by
Shot on location at
Norway, England & Lawndale, U.S.A.
Daria courtesy of
Daria created by
The Pizza King, Chez Pierre & Cluster Burger
Mad Dog Morgendorffer Protection Services
IRS Consultant (U.S.A.)
Doc Forbin, A.S.C.
Inland Revenue Consultant (U.K.)
Robin Sena, B.S.C.
Set & model design
Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer
Music performed by (in order of appearence):
The Coasters, Chicago, Foreigner, The Rolling
Stones, ZZ Top, The Specials, John Williams &
The London Symphony Orchestra, Cheap Trick,
Ray Parker Jr., Tiffany Darwish, Right Said Fred,
Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Pink Floyd, The Electric
Light Orchestra, The Credence Clearwater Revival,
The Grateful Dead, The Dramatics, N.W.A., Frank
Sinatra, Cheap Trick (again), The Coasters (again),
John Williams & The London Symphony Orchestra
(again), Styx, Inner Circle, Heatwave, Spike Jones
& His City Slickers, Run DMC, Celine Angihel,
Lorenna Mc Kennitt, Celine Angihel (again),
Deborah Gibson, Teena Marie, Vanilla Ice, White
Town, The Beastie Boys, Rainbow, The Mc Coys,
Thin Lizzy, Isaac Hayes, The New Kids On The Block,
Gary Myrick, Bond, The Contours & John Williams &
The London Symphony Orchestra (again) .
Dar(ia) Wars: The Barksdale Empire Strikes Back starred
(in order of appearence):
Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer
Han Sandi Griffin
TIFFANY BLUM DECKLER
Princess Quinn Morgendorffer
General Tricia Gupty
Major Tad Gupty
MAD DOG MORGENDORFFER
Obi Jane Kenobi
Two One Bee Philips
Admiral Diane Bennett
General Rita Barksdale
Capt. (& Admiral) Leslie Gupty
Tom Slone Antilles
THE SPATULA MAN
Yodeling Amy Barksdale
Capt. Erin Barksdale
The Empress Janet Barch
Linda Fett Griffin
Stacy Calrissian Rowe
All other roles portrayed by The Dariacon Fan Club
Greybird Design Services
The Spatula Man
Soundtrack Album available on
RCA Victor/BMG Music Group
Transportation courtesy of
Doggieboy Transport Esq.
Original Sound Effects by
Industrial Light & Magic
Sound recorded & mixed at
Skywalker Sound North
Original music composed &
conducted by John Williams,
copyright 1980 Fox Fanfare
Music & Bantha Music (BMI)
Original music recorded at
Anvil Studios, England
Daria is a trademark of MTV
Star Wars & all indica is a trademark
of LucasFilm Ltd.
THX: Making Cinema Sound Better
copyright LucasFilm & Skywalker
Sound North, all rights reserved.
Filmed in Otakuvision
D I S C L A I M E R:
All characters, places, the lot, have turned
out to be 7000% fake, so anything and/or
anyone, living and/or dead, fall under the
catagory of coincidental, at least it's what we
W A R N I N G:
Unauthorised duplication prohibited,
whatever you like it or not. Got it?
Copyright 1980, 2008 & 2009 MTV Productions,
LucasFilm Ltd & Robin Sena.
Dedicated to all Daria & Star Wars fandom
all over the world.
Parental Guidence Suggested
Tis the end of ye tale
THANKS FOR READING!!