It's been so long since I took up fanfiction, much less anything else. Anyhow, Daria and the Star Wars lot remain in the possessions of MTV and LucasFilm Ltd respectively. So let's carry on.
A long time ago.......
In a fictional town far, far away......
A NEW GIRL
It is a period of civil war. The evil
Barksdale Empire is causing havoc
for everyone in the galaxy, yet a
handful of secret rebel freedom
fighters, known as The Lawndale
Allience have been taking strikes
in the hopes of one day sorting out
The Barksdale Empire for good.
Even so, The Empire have been at
work on their secret weapon, THE
DEF STARR, an armoured space
station which carries an amount
of firepower to wipe out an entire
planet. But you know that, right?
As such, chased by The Empire's spies,
Lawndale leader, Princess Quinn Morgendorffer
races to meet with Obi Jane Kenobi to
entrust her with the stolen plans for The
Def Starr, in the hope that peace may be
High above the desert planet of Tattoo You, an Imperial cruiser was chasing a Lawndale Blockade Runner till one of the enemy phaserbolts knocked out the runner's solar fin, causing it to come to a stop; after that, the enemy cruiser overtook it. Inside, shaken by the explosions outside the runner, banged all around in the hallways of the Lawndale ship, were See Brittpio and Kevin Detoo, the alarms going off everywhere.
"Eep!!" said Brittpio. "They've turtled off the main reactor!! We're doomed for sure!!"
"That stinks, babe," agreed Kevin.
"There'll be no escape for the princess fer sure," stated Brittpio. "Maybe you were right, Kevvy, we've SHOULD've taken that job as the new hosts for The Pigskin Channel."
As first, there were some clanking sounds and some faint screeching noises....until a hatch exploded near some of the rebel troops, and were knocked out by the phaserbolts of the Imperial troops who burst out from the now open hatch and stormed the hallway; at one point, one trooper asked the other, "Who's bad and who's good?"
"Simple," said the other trooper, "The whites, they're bad an' the blacks, they're good."
"Sounds like a racist statement," said the first trooper. "But, hey, we're the evil people, so who cares?"
Whilst the Lawndale rebels held off the imperial troops, and getting shot down, at that, Brittpio and Kevin ran down a different hall, the bronze cheerleader droid, moaning, "And I just had my brass pigtails done!! Now what'll we do?!? We'll be sent to the spice mines of Oakwood or busted into who knows what!!" Then, noticing that Kevin had run off, she called out, "Kevvy?"
Back at the opened door, the rebel Lawndale troops were laying down, because they had been shot dead, so the Imperial troops stepped aside to allow the dread Lady Darth Helen to enter, a grim look on her face--and that was when the Paul Mc Cartney & Wings Helen Wheels ringtone played on her cell 'phone; upon picking it up, she said, "Marianne!! I thought I told you NOT to call me when I am at work!!"
In a dark alcove, a woman's hand stuck in one of Kevin Detoo's slots a CDROM disc, before Brittpio ran up the nearby hall, calling out, "Kevvy Detoo, where're you?!?" Hearing that, Kevin went for the hall, and rolled past Brittpio, saying, "Sorry, babe, got to go on my mission."
"Mission?!?" said Brittpio in a huffy way. "What mission?!? HEY!! COME BACK HERE!!"
Among the captured Lawndalers, were the enemy troopers as well as an irate Darth Helen, who was Homer Simpson choking Capitan Angela Li; one of troopers came out of a doorway and said,"Nope, clean as a whistle. The Def Starr plans ain't in the main computer."
Turning back to Li, Helen resumed her choke hold on her, demanding,"Did you use a virus to wipe that out?!? If not, what you bloody do with those plans?!? Is any of the royal famliy on board?!? Fess up before I sort you out!!"
"B-b-but.....agh......," gasped Li, "we're on a diplomatic mission......al we got is tithes from my charity drive..."
"LIAR!!" growled Helen. "Chaos take your mission!! Your ship carries the system crest of Olderman!! If it's a chairty drive, where's your chairman?"
Despite making the squeeze on Li's throat, all that came out from her mouth was claret blood which gushed on Helen who tossed Li into a trash can and roared at her troops, "Start tearing that bloody ship apart till you locate those plans!! Seek out the people on the vessel!! I want them alive!! And... get me a towel, OK?"
Upon reaching a hatch, Kevin opened it, just as Brittpio showed up and admonished, "Hey!! You ain't permitted in there!! It's restricted to Lawndale Lions coaches and cheerleaders only!!"
"Speak for yourself, babe," retorted Kevin, "you self righteous philosopher."
"Don't call me that, you jerky glob of grease!!" barked Brittpio. "Now get your steely bum out of there before someone see you!!"
"Not until I complete my mission for the princess, babe," said Kevin. "She said it may bring peace to the galaxy, and like that. Hey, remember, I AM the QB droid, remember?"
"I am going to regret it," muttered Brittpio, before she and Kevin entered the pod; soon after that, the said pod ejected from the crippled runner, out into space, enroute to Tattoo You.
Onboard the Star Destroyer, Officer Marianne had been standing by the firing controls of the destroyer's big guns when she saw a tiny dot drop down to the sand planet; she turned to officer Rita Barksdale and said, "There goes another one."
"Hold your fire," said Rita. "Just two junky droids taking a joy ride on one the pods."
Inside the pod, Brittpio and Kevin Detoo saw through the window, the crippled ship and the larger Imperial cruiser.
"You sure that pod is safe?" asked the pigtailed droid.
"Sure," said the QB droid."I got a licence."
"Sure you got a licence," said Brittpio, "a licence to kill."
In fact, they would argue all the way whilst the pod rocketed down to the surface of the sand planet Tattoo You.
Herded by the Imperial troops, Princess Quinn was brought before Darth Helen who said, "So, I finally got you, Princess Quinn. Just give the plans for The Def Starr, along with the location of the Lawndale base and I'll give you everything you can dream of."
"You can't bribe me," said Quinn. "I am braver than you think. And valiant too."
"Just tell me what'd you do with those plans, you tarty twit!!" barked Helen.
"If you must know, I gave them to two droids," said Quinn somberly. "So I didn't say I was smart."
"Tell me all 'bout it," said Helen who turned to the troops and said, "Get her out of here."
After the troops marched Quinn out, Imperial Officer Rita Barksdale showed up and said, "You know holding her is dangerous. If the senate gets wind of it, there could be a scandal in all the tabloids and on Sick Sad Wold."
"Leave that to me," said Helen. "Send a rumour on the grapevine saying all onboard the blockade runner died when some careless nut lit a match in a gas oven."
That was when Imperial Officer Marianne showed up, saying, "Lady Helen, we've found no trace of the plans but during the fighting, a lifeboat pod ejected before it headed for the planet Tattoo You below. There's reason to believe that two droids were taking a joyride on it."
"Two droids....," muttered the dark lady. "and Quinn conferred that fact to me. Send a detatchment down to the planet and seek out those plans, or no Christmas bonus for you."
"Understood, Lady Helen," said Marianne.
Vast sand dunes awaited the jock droids who now stood outside the pod which landed well on the sandy surface of Tattoo You.
"Goodness gracious!!" said Brittpio. "What a planet, just askin' for some rennovation with planting a lot of oasises and trees that can take the heat, and soon, we'll have a Shangri La that carries that Je Ne Sais Quoi. Take my hand, Kevvy, I am a stranger in paradise."
"Not me, babe," said Kevin. "I got a feeling there's settlements over to the east here."
"I ain't bloody going that way, it's way too rocky," sputtered Brittpio. "The path to the west is easier."
"OK, you go your way, and I'll go mine," charged the QB droid.
"Fine!!" growled the tart droid. "An don't be bothering me for help 'cos I ain't listening to you!! No more adventures!!"
So saying, she kicked the smaller droid in the side and he tumbled down one of the dunes.....
....but as it turned out, hours later, that was a big mistake, for Brittpio had only walked up and down the long sand dunes, and still found no end to them.
"That jerk of a twerp," she muttered. "He tricked me into heading that way. But then again, I should've listened.......what a time for Kevvy to be right!! I'll get sunburned!!"
All of a sudden, she spotted something metallic heading her way, and exclaimed, "What's that? A brand new Hummer H3!! I am saved!!"
Unmindful of the blazing sun, Brittpio started waving franticlly at the oncoming vehicle and shouting, "Over here!! Hey!! Help!! Please help.........!!"
Deep in the rocky canyons, Kevin had just rounded the corner when a group of hooded midgets came marching towards the droid and singing:
Follow the yellow sand road,
follow the yellow sand road,
follow, follow, follow, follow,
follow the yellow sand road......
One of them pulled out a ray gun and shot Kevin with it--and he fell on his side paralyised; the head midget called out, "Otini!!" before his friends helped him lift up, then carry Kevin to a giant Hummer H3, then ready a vacuum tube to suck the hapless QB droid into the bowels of the vehicle, where inside a room populated with other droids, was Brittpio, who, upon spotting Kevin, chirped, "Kevvy Detoo, it IS YOU!!" before smothering kisses all over, before adding, "Looks like the Jabbers got you too. I wonder where they're taking us?"
"Maybe to the Microsoft company for observation?" said Kevvy.
"Good guess, since that new Vista came out," agreed the tart droid.
And that was when the giant Hummer started its long trek into the night.
In the morning, a platoon on Imperial troops were grouped round the pod that had brought Brittpio and Kevin to Tattoo You in the first place; the head trooper spoke with, "Someone WAS in the pod, and I don't mean peas. I mean, the tracks DO head off in--no, in two directions."
"May be they decided to file for divorce?" said a second trooper.
"Look sir," said a third trooper who just showed up, bringing a piece of steel in his hand. "droids."
Meanwhile the huge Hummer came to a stop; inside, Brittpio rapped on Kevin's head, saying, "WAKE UP!!" After that, a panel in the wall opened, and soon they, along with a lot of other droids were herded out before Camp Grizzly, which also ran a sandfarm on the side. Right now, Uncle Potts and Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer were appraising the line of droids, when Amelia, who was tending her plants, called out, "Daira, if you get a translator, make sure it talks Esparanto."
"Sure thing," said Daria. who spoke those words to Potts, who nodded, then said, "What I am looking for is a hard working droid that talks Esparanto."
Stepping forward, Brittpio said, "Then I am your droid. I can do windows, do cheerleader stunts, crush ice and read poetry." Then gesturing to Kevin, she added, "He comes with me, so it's worth buying my Kevvy as well--he'd make a great lamp."
"OK, you two have been hired," said Potts before turning to Daria nad saying, "Daria, get these droids cleaned up before dinner."
"But I was going into Oakwood Station to get some new notebooks--" said Daria.
"You can hang with your goth mates AFTER you've done your chores so please understand, OK?" said Potts.
Turning to the droids, Daria muttered to the two, "OK, let's go--and abandon all hope, ye that enter here."
Following Daria, Brittpio muttered to Kevvy, "Now don't you ever forget that--why I stick up for you, is beyond me."
"Whatever," came the reply.
Within the bowels of the Grizzly garage/workshop, Daria set to recharging Kevin Detoo whilst See Brittpio lowered herself in a huge cistern of rose scented aloe vera lubricating oil, sighing, "Oh, like, thank the maker!! That aloe vera oil bath is so good!! I got such a ruddy bad case of rust and dust contamination, I can't move!!"
"Lucky you," muttered Daria. "I wish I could take off from that rubbish heap of a dust planet--it's so dull here."
"Why, don't you like it here?" said Brittpio.
"Listen, I just want to be a star pilot, be a star on Sick Sad World and do my part for The Lawndale Allience," said the hopeful heroine, "not to be a farm girl in a crummy slag heap in a desert camp."
"You get Sick Sad World out here?" said Kevin. "So do we--that is, where we used to live."
"And where did you used to live?' said Daria.
"On the planet Nuts World," replied the QB droid.
"At least here," said Brittpio, "It's a change of pace from what we've been through, with the rebellion and all."
Jumping to her feet, Daria sparked up, saying, "You were in the rebellion?!?"
"Well, no," replied the cheerleader droid, "but me and Kevvy once starred in the P.S. 48 droid play of Cinderella. Oh, wait, you mean the rebellion against the empire? EEP!! Sorry. I guess THAT is something even we don't know, I mean, we ain't even sure what planet we're on."
"If there's a bright center to the Dariaverse," said the Starkiller, "you twits happen to be on the planet farthest from it."
"I see, mam'mm," said the cheerleader droid.
"It's just Daria," said Daria, "and the planet in question is called Tattoo You."
"Sounds like the name of a Rolling Stones album," said Kevin.
"It does, when you think of it," agreed the cheerleader droid. "Anyway, I am See Brittpio, human/cyborg realtions specialist, translator and cheerleader droid, and that is my counterpart, Kevin, 'Kevvy' Detoo."
"I am also the QB ," added Kevin.
Getting up from the tub, an irate Brittpio went to the QB droid and growled, "Don't be a show off!!" and kicked his side-- and a one foot high hologram of a telly screen was projected from Kevin, the image of a Hollywood Squares game show, with the announcer saying, "Welcome to Hollywood Squares."
"Whoops!!" said the QB droid. "Wrong one. Guess you get that too, huh?"
"Yup," said Daria. "Say, can you get Sick Sad world here?"
"Sure," replied Brittpio. "Oh, by the way, can you get The Playboy Channel, or you've been equipped with that V Chip?"
"Wait," said the QB droid, "here's the right vid." Soon after that, a one foot high holo of Princess Quinn, in her long white dress came into view, saying, "Help me Obi Jane Kenobi, you're my only hope. Please? Pretty please with sugar on it?"
"Obi Jane Kenobi....," muttered Daria. "I've heard of someone like her....used to live in the Doony Sea....."
"Right," said the QB droid. "And I happen to be her property."
"WHAT?!?" blurted Brittpio. "I thought....oh, no court is going to covict me, Kevvy!! I'll sort you out!!" She tried to lunge at Kevin, but the Starkiller stopped her, saying, "Stop!! You want to go to jail for domestic violence?'
"Not for a female like me!!" charged the cheerleader droid. "As a rule, the coppers, they're supposed to be sympathetic to women."
"Not always, babe," shot back the QB droid--and that was when Amelia called out, "Daria, come and eat!!"
"I'll be back, OK?" said Daria. "And Britt? NO VIOLENCE!! Got it?"
"OH, OK!!" grumbled Brittpio. But after the Starkiller exited, she turned to Kevin and muttered, "Just you consider tellin' me where you got that bloody holo."
"I just told you, babe," said the QB droid, "From Princess Quinn. You don't like me, right?"
"No, I don't like you," said the cheerleader droid. "And no, she don't like you either--Daria, that is--at least, it's what I think....."
At the dinner table, Daria was talking with Potts whilst Amelia served the food, saying, "Y' know, I've got a reason to believe that the Kevin unit may have been stolen."
"What makes you so sure?" said Potts.
"For starters," said the Starkiller, "it projected a hologram of a messge saying it claimed to be the property of an Obi Jane Kenobi."
Almost choking on his food, Potts stated, "That gal's just a crazy wizard and a freakazoid that paints stupid paintings. In fact, I don't think she exists, having died the same time as you mum. To-morrow, I want you to take the droid to Anchorfoot and erase its memory. I paid my Grizzly money for and it's ours now. Anyhow, I want those droids doing their part in the upcoming work at the south ridge to-morrow for the harvest."
"Whilst we're on the subject," added Daria, "I was thinking of applying to the Academy before the next season."
"But the harvest is when I need you the most," protested Potts. "Tell you what: we'll make the right amount of money so we can hire extra helpers for next season's harvest. Not droids--people. And then you can enter the Academy. Please understand, I need you here."
"But it's a whole 'nother year," stated the Starkiller.
"Do the words 'time marches on' mean anything to you?" said Potts. "Besides, time will pass before you know it."
Getting up, Daria muttered, "You said that last year when Ted De Witt Clinton and Andrea Hecuba left. Anyway, I'd best finish cleaning those droids if we want them ready to-morrow."
With that in mind, she exited the dining room, Potts calling out," Hey, you can't ditch your meal!! You've got to keep up your health!!"
"Potts, you can't keep her here forever," said Amelia. "The Academy means so much to her."
"So I promise we'll make it up to her," said Potts.
"She just wasn't born to be a camp farmer," stated Amelia. "She's just like her mum."
"Now that worries me a lot," muttered the man named Potts.
Outside the homestead, Daria paused to see the binary sunset as first one and then the other of Tattoo You's twin suns sank over the hill, before heading down into the garage. Once inside, she produced a control box and pushed a button--and that was when Brittpio jumped out from behind a landspeeder, blurting out, "EEP!! Oh, it's you, Daria. P-please forgive me!! Don't turn me off!! That Kevvy was ramblin' his rubbish over his 'mission'and tasered me when my back was turned!!"
"Oh boy," muttered Daria and ran to the outside, Brittpio following. Once outside, the Starkiller used her electrobinoculars to scan the night covered landscape, muttering, "He's nowhere in sight!! 'Cor!!"
"Can't we take off and do a search?" said the cheer droid.
"It's dangerous with all the dirt people running all over the place," replied Daria. "We've got to wait till morning......am I goin to get it......."
Morning came and with it, Potts, who after calling for Daria a few times, went to the kitchen, where Amelia was at work.
"Don't tell me--let me guess: Daria and the droids went to their chores, right?" said Potts, a wry expression on his face.
"What do you think?" replied Amelia, who poured a handful of powdered marijuana in the soup pot.
"She'd best have those droids on the south ridge to-day," grumbled Potts, "or there'll be hell to pay--hey, that rhymes."
Rocketing across the dunes in their landspeeder, Daria and Brittpio were speeding along in a population thick with dirt people when the hopeful heroine said, "Looks like we've got something on our scanner--it's our QB droid, all right, hit it."
When they finally reached the spot where Kevin was, walking along the sandy pathway, the speeder cut in front of the QB droid and Daria and Brittpio jumped out, and confronted the QB droid, the cheer droid saying, "OK, Kevvy, what's the bloody big idea, you bleedin' tosser?"
"Oh, babe, " charged Kevin, "I am on a mission."
"Mission my bum!!" groused Brittpio, "Mistress Daria here is your rightful owner here!! We'll have no more of your Obi Jane rubbish!!"
"Settle down, Britt," said the Starkiller. "He ain't going anywhere."
Suddenly, Kevvy blurted out, "Hey, there's dirt people coming!!"
"Oh no, stupid," charged the cheer droid. "You ain't foolin' me with that gyp--EEP!! What a time for you to be right!!"
And no wonder--for the trio found themselves surrounded by twelve death dealing nomadic dirt people who used their steel axes to beset Daria, who fainted, Brittpio, who tumbled down a ravine and Kevin, who fled the scene--and that was when a big voice called out, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Upon hearing that, the dirt people ran off in different directions. At first everything seemed quiet....and then a hooded a robed figure arrived--in the form of Obi Jane Kenobi and came to the recovering Kevin and said, "You OK?"
"I think so," said the QB droid, before Jane turned to Daria and said, "Rest, amiga. Seems you've been through the wringer."
Getting up, the Starkiller looked up and said, "Jane? Seems like you came at the right time."
"Just what brings you here?" said Jane. "And I don't mean your landspeeder."
Pointing to Kevin, Daria replied, "That QB droid claims to be the property of a Obi Jane Kenobi."
"Obi Jane, eh?" said Jane. "That is a name I haven't heard of in years."
"Old man Potts said she was dead," stated Daria.
"Oh, she ain't dead, not yet," countered Jane. "In fact, she's me. In fact, I haven't used the name Obi Jane since you were born. Right now, the dirt people may be natural born cowards, but they'll be back and in greater numbers."
"Hey, what 'bout Britt?" said Kevin.
"Brittpio. We should've guessed," muttered the Starkiller.
As it turned out, they found the cheer droid on her back at the bottom of the ravine, with her left arm broken off; as soon as the group arrived, she woke up and said, "EEP!! I took a bad step."
"You OK, babe?" asked the QB droid.
"Sure, I got Blus Cross for droids," replied Brittpio. "Say, whose arm is that--EEP!! It's mine!!"
"Can you stand?" said Daria. "We got to run for it before those stinky dirt people come back."
"I don't think I can," moaned Brittpio. "You can just toss me in the rubbish yard with an oil canteen. I've had it."
"No you haven't," shot back the Starkiller. "What kind of talk is that?"
"Logical," stated the cheer droid.
"Defeatist," grumbled Daria before she turned to Kevin and said, "Is she always like that?"
"Sure," replied Kevvy.
"Hurry, mates," said Jane. "They're on the move."
Thankfully, the four fled the canyon before the dirt people could come back with reinforcements; right now, they were safe in Jane's hovel, spartan yet homey, with all sorts of art paintings and a workshop, where Daria had just fixed Brittpio's severed arm.
"No, my mum didn't fight in the wars," the Starkiller was saying. "She was a lawyer with some major small town."
"So old Potts told you," stated Jane. "He believed you should've stuck to his dull camp life and made macaroni art work which is bloody hell."
"You fought in the Brain Wars?" said Daria.
"I was a Cynic Knight just like you mum was, no joke," replied Jane.
"I wish I had known her......," muttered Daria.
"She was a no nonsense sort, and a dedicated warrior," said Jane. "a cunning star pilot and a take charge woman, the lot. And a good friend....which reminds me....I got something for you....." Heading to a trunk, she rummaged through it.
"Yay, show and tell time," chirped Brittpio.
"Lay it on the line, Jane, what you got?" said Kevin.
Producing a silver handgrip device with some push buttons, Jane gave it to the Starkiller saying, "Your mum wanted you to have it when you were older; I tried to give it to you once before but that ruddy Potts wouldn't allow it, fearing you'd be bent on joining me on some crusade en route to Alternapalooza."
"What's that, a new Mag Lite Flashlight torch?" said Daria.
"Wish it were, but no," said Jane. "It's your mum's lightsabre--the weapon of a Cynic Knight, and it's not as clumsy nor random like a blaster and and sharper than a Ginsu knife."
Pushing a switch, a four foot long beam of blue light shot out from that sabre, Daria waving it 'round and causing Brittpio, Kevin and Jane to head for cover, the first saying, "Hey!! Watch it with that!!", the second to say, "Be careful!!" and the last to say, "You need training. Anyhow, for over thousands of generations, the Cynic Knights were the protectors of MTV's animation department and the old republic of Lawndale........before the dark times........before The Barksdale Empire."
Turning off the sabre, Daria asked, "I should know better, but how'd my mum die?"
"I knew you'd get to that one of these days," said Jane. "Anyway, a Cynic named Darth Helen stepped in, helped the evil Empress Janet Barch seek out and wipe out all the remaining Cynic Knights, and worst of all, she betrayed and murdered your mum. And all because your mum was seduced by the dark side of The Farce, the Cynics were all but extinct."
"The Farce?" echoed the Starkiller.
"The Farce," said Jane, "is what gives a Cynic his or her power, it surrounds all and penetrates all, and it binds the Dariaverse together. It knows all and sees all and does all."
"They've got something like that on the planet earth," said Daria, "only they call it The Internal Revenue Service."
"Hey, now that you've met Obi Jane, how bout that message you were ordered to give, Kevvy?" said Brittpio.
"Thank for reminding me, babe," said Kevin. "And the best part is, I don't bother with tips."
"Just play it anyway," said Jane.
And Kevvy Detoo did just that; once again, he projected the hologram of Quinn, who said, "Years ago, General Kenobi, you fought in The Brain Wars, and won a lot of awards for your painting talents. Now, we ask you to help us again in our most desperate hour. You see, my mission to meet up with you and bring you to my home planet of Olderman just failed, on account of The Empire is intent on capturing me and torturing me--sorry, got to avoid spoilers here. Suffice to say, I ask you to save my planet, save my people, save the future and save at Cashman's and J.J. Jeeters-- oh, and I also stored in Kevin Detoo's hard drive, a lot of info valuable to the Lawndale Allience, the top secret plans to The Empire's Def Starr, which you must deliver safely to Olderman. The Rebels there will know how to retrieve the contents. Help me Obi Jane Kenobi.....you're my only hope....pretty please, with sugar on it?"
With a burst of static, the holo vanished, before Brittpio hugged Kevin, saying "Oh, Kevvy, you WERE telling the truth!! Forgive me?"
"OK," said the QB droid.
"How touching," said Jane. "To you jokers......and to you, Daria......you must learn the ways of The Farce too, if you're to come with me to Olderman."
"Olderman?" said Daria in shock. "I ain't going to no bloody Olderman, I've got to get home, it's late as it is. I've got to get to my chores or no Sick Sad World after dinner."
"I need your help, amiga," said Jane gloomly. "That Quinn gal needs your help. I am getting too unpopular for that sort of thing. but then, you're unpopular yourself......maybe you should stay here."
"Oh, come on, Daria," cajoled Brittpio, "it'll be fun."
"It'll do you a world of good," said Kevin. "'Sides, you wanted to get off the planet, remember?"
"Not THAT badly," said the Starkiller. "Some dreams weren't meant to be. Didn't you read Ann Landers?"
"Sounds more like Potts than Ann Landers talking," said Jane, without rancor.
"Oh, Potts....," muttered Daria. "How can I 'splain all that bollocks to him?"
"Learn bout The Farce, Daria, " replied Jane. "Besides, it's the only way we can finish the story, right?"
After some thought, the Starkiller said hesitantly, "I suppose I COULD take you as far as Anchorfoot; you can get transport on the Tattoo You Rapid Transit District if there ain't a no busing strike; that should get you to Most Likeley to where you want to go."
"You must do what you feel is right, amiga," stated Jane, grinning.
"Fine......," said Daria, who opened a can of Diet Ultra Cola. "Right now, I don't feel that good.............."
Out in the vast relms of space, an Imperial Star Destroyer was approaching The Barksdale Empire's latest creation: the huge planet sized space station with the giant subwoofer speaker located in its upper hemisphere known as The Def Starr. And deep within its near central bowels was the council chamber with a table where eight Imperial senators and officials, including General Sam Griffin and his brother, Admiral Chris.
"Until our space station is vunerable," Sam was saying, "we're operational--no, that ain't it!! Well, you get the idea, with The Lawndale Allience so dangerous than you realise."
"Dangerous to your starfleet," said Chris, "not to The Def Starr, which proves you suck, you suck!!"
"No, you suck!!" charged Sam. "At least the Imperial MTV Animation Senate will carry on with quality cartoons as long as--"
"The Imperial MTV Animation Senate is no longer of any concern to anyone here," said the Regional Govenor known as The Grand Moff Anthony DeMartino, who had entered the chamber with Lady Darth Helen in tow before taking his place at the head seat before the table, the Dark Lady standing behind and then adding, "I just got the word from my email The Empress just dissolved that bloody MTV Animation council permamently."
"Impossible!!" charged Sam. "How will the Empress carry on without programming like Celebrity Deathmatch and what not?"
"The Regional Govenors will compensate with reruns on MTV2 whilst maintaining direct control over all the territories," replied DeMartino. "Fear of our bullying should keep the local systems in line, and fear of our space station."
"And what of The Lawndale Rebellion?" said Sam. "Sooner or later, they'll get wise to what weak points we've got in The Def Starr and publish it in the tabloids and in People magazine."
"The plans you refer to," said Darth Helen, "will soon be back in our possession."
"Big bloody deal," sneered Chris. "Our Def Starr carries a sound system of 87,000 watts of power to wpie out any planet, since it's manned by the greatest DJ in The Empire--Rock & Roll Randy. So what if we can't hear the sound since there's no air in space? The vibrations from our subwoofer, per se, is all it takes to demolish a planet, as such, our station is the ultimate power in the universe, so I suggest we use it."
"Don't be so prideful of the terror you've created," said Helen. "Even with 87,000 watts, the ability to wipe out a planet with N.W.A.'s F*** Tha Police, is insignificant, compared to The Farce."
"Don't try to scare me with your legal eagle ways, Lady Helen," griped Chris. "Your crummy devotion to that bloody religion failed to bring here, A.S.A.P., those stolen plans, let alone the location of the rebels' hidden fort, not to mention their Wacky Packs collect--"
Instantly Chris turned blue and was choking, a victim of Helen's choke magic.
"I see you lack of faith is disturbing, for that matter, I am surprised at you disbelief in The Farce," said The Dark Lady, before turning to her cell 'phone and saying, "Oh, not you, Eric. Got those W2s? Then send them out!!" before hanging up.
"Turn the Admiral loose, Helen," said DeMartino. "Enuff' of that. Free the bloke."
"As you wish," said Helen, who picked up a Red Bull.
Freed from Lady Helen's spell, Chris slumped down, regaining his breath, whilst the Govenor said, "Such bickering is pointless. Lady Helen here will have what we seek, along with those bleedin' Wacky Packs, as soon as the station is operational. We'll then crush the rebellion with one swift stroke--of N.W.A., with a dose of Slayer to boot."
Coming to a stop before the burning remains of what had been the giant Hummer H3, Daria, Jane, Brittpio and Kevin climbed from the landspeeder and surveyed the dead strewn Jabbers, dirt people, weapons, the lot and wondered what had happened.
"'Cor.......," said the Starkiller. "It looks like the dirt people did all that, here's their tracks and weapons. I didn't think they'd hit something that big. One thing's for sure: they did ther job quicker than any street gang in Compton and East London."
"They didn't," said Jane. "See those tracks? They're side by side when the dirt people always head out single file to hide their numbers, as part of their boot camp training."
"Those look like the same Jabbers the sold me Kevin and Brittpio," said Daria.
"I'll say," agreed Kevin. "Even their body odor is the same."
"Stinkeroo!!" said Brittpio.
"And those blast points," added Obi Jane, "way too accurate for dirt people; check out the precision in which the firepower was applied. Only Imperial troopers from The Barksdale Empire can be that precise."
"Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Jabbers?" said the Starkiller. "Then again, at least they're doing a favour by ridding the planet of such stinkers--and I DO mean stinkers--POOCHIE!!"
"Maybe it had to do with me an' Britt here," said Kevin.
"Oh, Kevvy, stop acting like a daft knucklehead!!" charged Brittpio, who tried to kick the hapless QB droid.
"No, I think that knucklehead MAY be right," said Daria. "I mean, if those troops traced you two to the Jabbers, they'd learn whom they sold them to.....an' that would lead them back to........home!!"
Instantly, the Starkiller ran for the speeder and started it, whilst Jane called out, "Wait, amiga!! It's too dangerous!!"
"You going to get shot!! You going to get hurt!! You going to get kilt!!" called Brittpio.
"You daft!!" said Kevin.
Even so, Daria had already sped off.....
........but as expected, upon arriving at the homestead, Daria saw there wasn't a homestead at all; everything was in flames, so it was no wonder she ran up to where the garage was, calling out, "Uncle Potts!! Aunt Amelia!! Uncle Potts!!" Just then, she spotted the charred skeletal rmians of what had been Potts and Amelia, their fibia and tibias prominent.
Staring at their remains, all the Starkiller could do was say, "Now why didn't I expect that?"
A pair of Imperial Twin Ion Engine (TIE) fightercraft raced towards The Def Starr whilst inside the said Imperial war machine, within Detention Block FZ 35769, some Imperial troops appraoched cell 1987 and opened it; there, doing her nails, was Princess Quinn Morgendorffer, who shrank back upon seeing two things enter the cell--Lady Darth Helen and a sphere shaped Imperial boom box droid, with one arm extending out, a huge syringe (containing truth serum) in its appendage, and both were approaching her.
"And now, your highness," said Helen, "we'll talk of the location of your hidden rebel base."
"Uh, I thought you were desperate to learn of the stolen plans," said Quinn.
"Well my 501st Legion Troopers, they're taking care of that matter right now," replied the Dark Lady. "Right, bring out The Gimp!!"
And the torture droid, known as The Gimp did just that, approaching the hopeless princess on a steady beeping sound that increased in speed, extending out further the hypo needle--and its built in speakers playing a R&B beat with some female singing, "Doo doo doo......doo doo doo......"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Quinn. "MARIAH CAREY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Instantly the cell door slammed and all was quiet in the detention hallway..............
The bonfire was burning when Brittpio and Kevin had tossed the last murdered Jabber on to it when Daria parked her speeder to where Obi Jane was and said, "Let me guess--there wasn't a thing I could've done, that I would've been dead myself had I been there and that those droids would be claimed by The Empire."
"I was going to say that you were a fine one for taking off like that," said Jane, "and sticking me with these daft droids to burn Jabber corpse trash--but you got what you said right, that.......what you said."
Glumly, the Starkiller said, "I want to come with you to Olderman. There ain't a bloody thing for me at all. I want to learn the ways of The Farce and be a Cynic Knight like my mum. Besides, I heard MTV had phased out its animation department."
"That bloody sucks," said Jane.
"AMEN!!" agreed the droids.
Within moments the landspeeder was parked on a bluff overlooking the vast city spaceport of Most Likely, its many white stucco buildings dotting the cityscape.
"Most Likely Spaceport," said Jane. "Here's where you can get transport here, dirt cheap. Be warned: you may never come across a more wretched hive of dweebs, geeks and weirdos if not villiany here."
Gunning the landspeeders through Most Likely's downtown streets, past the many shops and plasma TVs advertising VH1, Daria reluctantly came to a stop when several Imperial troops surrounded her and the speeder; one of the troops said, "Stop!! Those your droids? Let me see your I.D."
"You don't need to see her I.D.," said Jane.
"I don't need to see your I.D.," said the trooper.
"These ain't the droids you want," added Obi Jane.
"These ain't the droids we want," said the Imperial minion.
"Move along," said Jane.
"Move along, move along," said the trooper, gesturing his hand whilst the Starkiller drove on and didn't stop till she reached the far side of the city-- and the local cantina pub known as The Neo Zen.
Upon stopping, Daria said, "How'd we get past those bloody Old Bill troops?"
"The Farce gives you power over weak minds," replied Jane.
"The Farce gives me power over weak minds," said a trancelike Daria.
"OK, let's go," said Jane.
"OK, let's go," said the Starkiller before shaking out from the trance and following Jane to The Neo Zen's entrance.
"I could use an ice cold crude oil sundae here," said Brittpio.
"Same here, babe," agreed Kevin.
"Now that I think of it," said Daria, "you truly think we can hire a pilot that can take us to Olderman?"
"Why not?" said Jane. "All the best pilot and truck drivers hang out here and it got good reviews from Zagat. Only be careful here--it can get a bit rough."
Entering The Neo Zen, Daria and her group found the vast interior full of humans, machines and creatures of countless races, all partaking in their food and drink whilst the band Splendora played You're Standing On My Neck; soon the group approached the huge bar and ordered their drinks-- and that was when Jane was talking with an Asian girl in a blue green dress, a fur coat over her arm with bandoliers over her shoulder. But suddenly, the Starkiller was roughly shoved to one side by Bailey Buzzcut who growled, "Hey you!! P*** off before I sort you out!!"
"Sorry," said Daria, before she was surrounded by Todd, the bus driver, the studio stagehand and Gina in addition to Buzzcut.
"He doesn't like you," said Todd.
"Well, he was a Marine," said the Starkiller.
"I don't like you you myself, because you're a misery chick," said Todd. So just be careful. We're all wanted Highlanders. I got the death bounty on me in 12 systems."
"I'll be careful," said Daria nervously.
"You will be dead!!" barked Todd. "We don't take kindly to brains like you."
That was when Jane showed up and said, "My amiga ain't worth your crusade, so why don't I get you all something--"
Instantly, a fight broke out with Daria getting her head hit a with a jug, Brittpio shoved aside, Kevin kicked and Jane sent crashing in a table--before all the miscreants pulled out their guns, which prompted Lindy the bartender to shout, "No blasters!! No blasters!!" Then at the last moment, Jane ignited her lightsabre and swung; when it was over, much of the thugs were cut in two, Buzzcut had his head cut off, and Todd's arm was cut off. The crowd, for their part, gave Jane a respectful amount of space for her and cheered, some asking for autographs. Turning off her sabre, Jane did just that. After complying and signing autographs, she then gestured to Daria and the rest to the Asian girl saying, "I'd like you to meet Tiffbacca Blum Deckler, the first mate of a highly regarded ship's captian."
"Hi," said Tiffbacca. "So you geeks want our services? Then follow me."
And follow her they did, yet even so, from the corner of her eye, Brittpio couldn't help but spot one of the patrons at the exit, talking with one of the Imperial troops.
"EEP!!" she hissed. "I don't like the looks of it."
"Tell me all bout it, babe," agreed Kevin.
At the far end of The Neo Zen, in a booth with a glowing electric candle, was a long haired brunette in white bluse, and black vest and trousers, checking her bling collection before she looked up and said, "Name's Han Sandi Griffin, captain of The Millennium Diva. Tiffy here tells me you brainy fashion disasters geeks seek passage to the Olderman system."
"If it's a fast ship, with MP3 equipment," said Jane.
"You never heard of The Millennium Diva?" said Sandi. "It's the ship that made The Crewe Neck Run in 0.7 seconds, using Time Warner cable net technology. I've outrun a lot of Star Destroyers from The Barksdale Empire, so I'd say she's fast for you. What's your cargo?"
"Just geeky humans," said Jane. "Me, Daria here, those two droids here....."
"Hiya," said Kevin And Brittpio.
".......and no questions asked," added Jane.
"Just you people?" said Sandi. "Given the fact you happen to be the wimpy kind, such can be a bit tricky. So I'd say all I ask of you, is 12,000 in cash."
"12,000?" said Daria "We could buy our own ship with that."
"But who's inclined to pilot it, you?" said Sandi. "Fashion disasters and misery chicks might not carry the knack to be pilots, don't you know?"
"Listen, I happen to be an virtuoso pilot, you know," said Daria. "Let's go, Jane, I'll prove to her I can--"
"No need to worry, amiga," said Jane. "You can't be fooled by appearences." Then turning back to Sandi, she said, "Tell you what--we'll pay you 12,000 now and an additional 12,000, along with the latest issues of Waif when we reach Olderman."
"Wow," said Tiffy. "Better take the offer, Sandi. Anyone that hesitates is lost."
"24,000, huh?" said Sandi. "Right. OK, you folks got yourselves a ship. We'll take off as soon as you're ready, at docking bay 94."
"94," echoed Jane.
"Oh-oh, here comes trouble," said Tiffbacca, pointing across the hall. "Look over there."
"Seems you got some company here," said Sandi. "Is it any sort of trouble here?"
"Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entnaglements and anti MTV critics," said Jane.
For not too far away, at the bar two Imperial troops were talking with Lindy who pionted out the booth; one of the troops said, "All right, we'll check it out." The troops turned to look, but the only ones in the said booth were Sandi and Tiffy.
"You know," said the first trooper, "I think we got to stop eating at those cheap diners."
"Fancy a beer?" said the other trooper.
"Fine with me," said the first trooper. "We've been in combat for too long."
Back at the booth, Sandi said, "24,000--those unpopular freaks must be so deperate, even for boffo ratings. Head out to the ship and we'll get started."
"OK, boss," said Tiffbacca.
Outside The Neo Zen, Jane said to Daria who was readying her landspeeder, "You've got to sell your speeder."
"It's OK," said the Starkiller. "I ain't coming back to that planet anyway."
"Not only that," said Kevin, "that speeder was a fuel guzzler."
"Well, so much for sentiment," said Brittpio.
With two TIE fighters racing from The Def Starr, inside, in its vast control bridge, with a hexagonal screen showing the starfield, Darth Helen was talking with Govenor DeMartino.
"Her resistance to the Gimp probe droid, if not Mariah," she said, "was a risky cavalier thing--it'll be some time before we obtain anything out from her. I even tried grounding her--no avail. What a martyr she was!!"
"I told you not to purchase to cheap droid parts in Tijuana," said DeMartino. "We've got to use a stronger method."
At that point, Officer Marianne approached them and said, "The final check up is comeplete, and Rock & Roll Randy is standing by his DJ turntables and sound equipment. All systems online. What planet should we wipe out?"
"Maybe it's time we use the power of caring to make her fess up," said DeMartino.
"What do you mean?" said Helen.
"What else?" said the Govenor. "With the wattage and power of our station." Turning to Marianne, he said, "Set your course for Olderman."
"With pleasure," said Marianne.
"No, with plasma fuel and energy, as well as 87,000 watts afterward," said DeMartino. "Chop chop. And don't spare the plasma fuel."
Back at The Neo Zen, Sandi was ready to climb from her booth, when Axl, a bounty hunter stuck a gun in her face and said, "Going somewhere, Sandi?"
"I was, Axl, I was going to see you boss--tell Upchuck I got his money," replied Sandi.
"Absolute rubbish," said Axl. "You should've thought of that last week--and you should've paid him when you had the chance; as it stands, he just placed a price on your head so large, all the bounty hunters happen to be seeking you out. You know Upchuck The Hutt don't take kindly to people that forget their cargo of nasty mags at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser."
"You think I like the idea of catering to perverts?" charged Sandi. "Besides, I got a job to do--a high paying one at that; only then can I pay you."
"Then you can tell Upchuck that," stated Axl. "He may only take your make up and your ship, along with your Waif collection."
"Over my dead body," declared Sandi.
"That is the bloody idea," said Axl, his eyes narrowing. "I've been looking foward to it for who knows how long."
"I'll bet you have," said Sandi, before dodging the shot from Axl's gun--before Axl went down in a bright shot of phaser power, slumping to the table, to the surprise of the patrons; getting up, she revealed her smoking gun and handed the bartender a handful of Imperial credits, saying, "Sorry for the mess."
In a stucco door lined alleyway populated by humans, creatures and droids, the 501st Legion of the Imperial troops marched on their search for the QB and cheerleader droids, who were in a doorway; it was Brittpio who said, "Lock the door, Kevvy," before a door slid over them. One of the troopers inspected that and said, "Locked. Must be one of those eccentric playboys. Let's move to the next one."
Long after the troops had gone, the door opened and Brittpio muttered, "That was too close, Kevvy. I can see what the fuss is in why they're tailing our bums. Still I wish I had gone with Mistress Daria, but she said we were too dumb to hang with her. I don't know what's on here mind, but it must be your fault."
"Oh, icky poo and zowie ring a ding ding," muttered Kevin.
"You watch your speaker," warned the cheer droid.
In a used speeder lot, Daria had finished her deal with the seller at hand, who handed her a bag of Imperial credits.
"OK, I'll take it. Thanks," said the Starkiller, who met up with Jane and added, "He said it was the best he could do; since the new Lexus came out, my speeder just wasn't in demand like it used to."
"It'll do," said Jane. "I had sold some old antiques on eBay before hand so what I got should cover the rest."
But even while the two headed down an alleyway, no-one saw Val hiding in a niche, readying her cell 'phone to place a call................
Docking Bay 94. The site where the Millennium Diva was parked. A ship that was gold plated, in an ornate way, that was half tiara, half pendant and half butterfly with twelve ruby engines aftward, two diamond port windows on either side of the ship, a lipstick shaped cockpit on one side of the ship's front, a purple gem in the centre--and the ship itself was bristling with weapons and communications and tracking dishes, as well as pearls. But to-day, the ship was surrounded by many gun toting bounty hunters, one of which was Linda Fett, a assassin droid, human, creature and droid hunters were at the ready, all presided by a sluglike redheaded freckled creature known as Upchuck The Hutt, who called out, "Sandi!! Come on out, Sandi!! SANDI!!"
"Right here, Upchuck," said Sandi, who, along with Tiffy, was standing behind the Hutt and his hired guns; that caused all to jump before Upchuck turned to her and said, "Sandi, you sure took me by surprise. And why haven't you paid me? And why'd you fry poor Axl like that?"
"You fried Axl?" said Tiffbacca. "That is sooooooo wrong."
"Never mind that, Tiffy," said Sandi before turning to Upchuck and adding, "You sent Axl to blast me."
"I did?" said the Hutt. "All I did was tell Axl to relay to you my concerns to you running low on time. He wasn't going to blast you, but given his rep, it wouldn't be surprising."
"Next time, " said Sandi, "if you've got something to say to me, don't send your loser allies to me--come see me yourself."
Shaking his head, Upcuck moaned, "Sandi, Sandi.....if only you didn't drop that ship ment of blue mags!! How would it look to me, the biggest perv sleaze on Tattoo You, if every delivery man and woman ejected their cargo at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser? Especially for the benefit of The Real World cast members, past, present and future?"
"Even I get boarded sometimes, right? Well, for the sake of your sleaze rep," assured Sandi, "I got a big paycheck that may pay you back--and when I get back, your check will be in the mail. Right now, time is what it takes to get you and your twits off my back--take it or leave it."
"If you say so," said Upchuck, who turned to his hired gunners and said, "Place your blasters away," before turning back to Sandi and said, "I'll give you one last chance out of the kindness of my perverted self. But all joking aside, it's also the last time; if you ever let me down, I'll put a price on your head so large you can never head for a civilised system, let alone any Cashman's store--got it?"
"Upchuck, you can be a human when you want to be......NOT!!" said Sandi.
"Not only that, you were, and still happen to be king of the sleazemobiles, soooooooo wroooooooong, brr," added Tiffbacca.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, fiesty," purred Upchuck.
Having rejoined with the jock droids, Daria and Jane went down yet another alley before they reached Docking Bay 94, Upchuck and his cronies having long departed and spotting Sandi, Tiffbacca and their ship.
"What a piece of costume jewlery," said Daria.
"Maybe," said Sandi, who was gesturing to the boarding ramp. "But it'll reach speeds of point 12 in lightspeed, since we refuled it with Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume."
"How fast is that?" said Kevvy Detoo.
"Faster than point five in lightspeed, I think," said Tiffbacca.
"Now THAT is fast....!!" said Jane. "Well, let's go boldly where no former Cynic Knight's gone before."
"Beam me up, Kevvy," said Brittpio, "there's no intelligence here."
"Listen, we're a bit rushed," said Sandi, "so if you hurry up and get your bums onboard, we'll be off."
And get their bums onboard they did, Daria the Starkiller, Obi Jane, See Brittpio and Kevin Detoo, followed by Tiffbacca. But outside the docking bay was Val, spying on them, when a huge phalanx of Imperial troops showed up, ther leader asking, "Which way?"
"In Docking bay 94," replied Val. "And D is with them."
Turning to his fellow troops, the head trooper said, "All right, ready your weapons!!" After doing so, they stormed the docking bay and saw Sandi boarding the ramp so the leader barked, "Stop that ship!! Blast them!!"
But even with the tropps doing that, blasting heavy bolts of phaser energy, Sandi managed to pick off a few with her pistol and ran up the rainbow coloured ramp and into the interior, shouting, "Tiffy!! Get us out of here!!"
With the shrill squeal of its twelve ion plasma engines, the Millennium Diva took off, leveling at first, then launching out into the deep blue sky, to the surprise of Imperial troops and the populace of Most Likely. And inside the ship, jostled by the g forces, Brittpio whined, "EEP!! I forgot how much I hate space travel!!"
"Yay!! We finally get off the dust planet!!" cheered Kevin.
Rocketing off the suface of Tattoo You and into deep space was no problem for the Millennium Diva--until it was followed by five Imperial Star Destroyers, two of which were coming on from behind, blasting their phaser cannons at the ship. Insdie the Boys R Guys posters, satin hearts and rainbow, daisy and unicorn decor of the cockpit, Sandi and Tiffy were franticlly working the controls.
"I see it, Tiff," said Sandi. "Five Star Destroyers. It's insulting. Seems our passengers must be either hotter or geekier than I thought. Angle all sheilds whilst I calculate for the jump for light speed."
"Roger," said Tiffbacca. "Five Star Destroyers........it's sooooooo wrong. They ain't even fashion coordenated."
But even as the Imperial ships were firing at the pirateship, Sandi tried to stay calm, as did Tiffy, just as Daria, Jane and the droids entered.
"Stay sharp!!" said Sandi. "There's three more trying to cut in and cut us off." Then turning to Daria, she added, "What did you brainy people do, rob a liquor store?"
"Why don't you outrun them?" said the Starkiller in her deadpan way. "I thought you said that ship of yours was fast with all that Electric Youth in your fuel tanks."
"Watch your mouth, girl, before you wind up in hyperspace through the rubbish chute, with last year's copy of Waif up your nose," warned Sandi. "Who can stand a chance against five Star Destroyers? But we'll be safe once we reach hyperspace, or your money back, give or take an Imperial credit. I just now down loaded the coordenates into the navigation computer, so here's where the fun starts."
"Call that fun?" said Brittpio.
"Say what usually comes after hyperspace?" said Kevin.
"A space cop, like The Empire, what else?" quipped Tiffy.
"How long will it take to get the coordenates?" said Jane.
"Just a few minutes, same time it takes to do my pedicure," replied Sandi.
"At the rate the Empire's gaining.....?" said Daria. "Wish I could fly like Superman."
"Listen, girl," stated Sandi, "traveling through hyperspace ain't like checking out Sick Sad World--without the right calculations, we'd wind up in a super nova, worse still, in Cuba, and that would stop our trip so quick, got it?"
A red light started flashing and seening it, Daria said, "What's that flashing?"
"Oh, the pretty red colour.....," said Tiffbacca. "oh oh......we've been hit."
"We're losing a deflector sheild," said Sandi, "and our patience. Strap yourselves in, we're making the jump. Hold on to your shirts and don't tear them."
"Was that trip truly necssasary?" said Brittpio.
"What do you think, babe?" said Kevvy.
So even whilst the others were strapped, Tiffbacca turned a dial and Sandi pulled a big lever; ahead, the stars turned into streaks whilst the pirate ship zoomed into hyperspace which was faster than light--so fast, not even a highway patrol's radar could detect it.
But whilst the Millennium Diva was in hyperspace, elsewhere, The Def Starr was approaching the planet Olderman, the giant embedded subwoofer already turning towards to the blue green planet. And inside the control bridge, the Grand Moff DeMartino was checking the screen with the starfield and the planet, whilst several Imperial tech crews were standing by at the controls; one of them was Rock & Roll Randy, already at his DJ turntables and mixing board. Just then, Admiral Chris Griffin came up and said, "We've entered the Olderman system."
At that moment, Darth Helen arrived, with Princess Quinn Morgendorffer, flanked by two troopers.
"Ah, Govenor DeMartino, I presume," declared Quinn. "Figured you'd be hanging on to Helen's leash. I knew it was your foul stink when I was brought on here."
"I resent that!!" barked DeMartino. "I'll have you know I shower and shave every day, use pit stop and wash with Axe body soap."
"Oh....," said Quinn. "Guess I must've been smelling my upper lip. But let's be honest--don't you know that if you secure your grip on those Lawndale Rebel planets, they'll only slip from your grip? So the moral to the story is: wash you hand from any slick oils, got it?"
"If you only knew," said DeMartino, "that I found hard to sign the order for your termination, just like it was for Timmy mcveigh, in Terre Haute, Indiana, administered by state officer Hugo Stapp. But I am getting ahead, so here me out: since you happen to be reluctant in devulging the location of the rebel base, you chose the target for our new subwoofer weapon--which happens to be your home planet of Olderman."
"No!!" gasped Quinn. "Y-you can't!! Olderman is a peaceful planet!! We got no weapons, but plenty of Cashman's stores and oxygen bars......"
"Then would you prefer an easy target?" said DeMartino. "As in a military target? So where's the rebel base?" His eye was bulging, its veins showing.
"EW!!" said Quinn. "Your breath stinks!!"
"Sorry," said the Govenor, who took out some Mentos, placed some in his mouth and asked,"Now how's my breath?"
"Much better, thanks," said Quinn.
"Like I said," said DeMartino, "WHERE'S THAT BLOODY REBEL BASE?!?"
"Danny Boy.....," said Quinn somberly. "They're on Danny Boy......."
"You see that?" said DeMartino to Helen. "But you know the bad guys and gals never tell the truth, so after our test here, we can carry on to Danny Boy." Turning to Rock & Roll Randy, he added, "Proceed with the task."
"WHAT?" said Quinn. "You lied!!"
"Naturally we lied," said DeMartino. "We've got a reputation as an evil empire to protect, don't you know? Besides, you're far too trusting. Danny Boy is way too far away for our testing, when we got an impatient DJ here. But fear not--we'll deal with your Rebel mates on Danny Boy as soon as we can."
"No......!!" muttered Quinn.
"Yes....," said DeMartino. "Besides, you're a spoiled brat, you know that?"
Just then, an Imperial officer who looked like George Lucas showed up, and showed a form to the Govenor, saying, "Pardon me, sir, but I happen to be from the Imperial Electric Power Company, and before you blow up that planet, you owe me 806,000 Imperial credits for the last bill."
Grumbling, DeMartino picked up a briefcase containing the money, muttering, "You people drive a hard demand. As long as your company can hook me out for more money, it's no wonder you're called Con Edison."
"Thanks," said the officer. "Nice doing work with you. Have a nice day." Then he parted before the Govenor said, "Now where were we?"
"If memory serves me right," said Quinn, "you gave the order to fire when ready."
"Thanks," said the Govenor. Turning to his staff, he said, "Get on with it!!"
"Commence primary sound pressure level," said Admiral Chris.
Instantly, all the Imperial techs went to work, pulling levers and sliders and turning dials and moving sliders whilst Rock & Roll Randy cheered, "YAY!! ROCK AND ROLL!!" befor using the sliders on his DJ equipment and playing on his turntables N.W.A.'s F*** Tha Police; the excessive bass vibes from the subwoofer, though silent in space, reached Olderman, resulting in the planet's destruction. After that, there was only a starfield where Olderman had been, a fact rendered evedent on the main screen for all to see, including a heartbroken Quinn who wept, "And you call yourselves humans.......my mistake......"
"A big mistake, to say the least," declared Helen who, along with the troopers, led the princess away.
Onboard the Millennium Diva, Daria was doing her training with her lightsabre, when Jane staggered and said, "Ugh....."
"What's the problem?" said the Starkiller.
"I felt....," said Jane, "a sudden disturbance in The Farce......as if a lot of souls called out in pain and suffering....and were instantly quieted.......but then, on the other hand, it could be the Quiznos hero sandwhich I had beforehand......you'd best get back to your training."
Coming out from a hallway, Han Sandi announced, "You don't need to worry over those Imperial geeks, we finally got rid of them, so we'll be at Olderman in zero four hundred." Then she turned to a couch where a 3D game of chess was taking place between Tiffbacca and Kevin Detoo, whilst See Brittpio was presiding over the happening and said, "How's the game coming?"
"For what dumbness and daftness he's got," replied Brittpio, "he DOES have his moments. Then turning to Kevin, she cautioned, "Now you be careful, Kevvy."
"No worries, babe," said the QB droid. "Winnin's second nature since I got a buy to stay in the game." Then, using one of his appendages, he tapped a switch, causing one of the 3D images to smooch one of the other characters, like a Valentino character.
"Brr," said Tiffy. "That was soooooo dirty pool!! I could sort you out for that!!"
"He made a fair move," said Brittpio defencively. "Complaining over it can't help you."
"Let her have it," advised Sandi. "It ain't right to upset a Cookiee."
"But no-one worries over upsetting a jock droid," protested the cheer droid.
"Only because droids don't scratch people's eyes out when they lose," advised Sandi, "and Cookiees were known to do that. That, and tattoo 'Kilroy Was Here' on people's backs."
"I see your point, Mistress Sandi," said Brittpio, before turning to Kevin and saying, "I suggest a new strategy, Kevvy.....let the Cookiee win."
"Oh, babe!!" grumbled the QB droid. "That'd be like shaving points and weaving a tangled web!!"
Daria, on the other hand, had been traing against a sphere shaped remote probe when it shot an energy bean at her leg, causing her to stagger and shout, "AGGH!! That smarts!!"
Laughing at the spectacle, "Sandi jeered, "Hocus pocus religions and anceient weapons like that neon sword ain't no bloody match for a blaster at your side, girl."
"I thought it was hokey religions and ancient weapons," said the Starkiller, rubbing her leg. "I wish cinema companies wouldn't change a line when a book gets changed to a cinema film."
"Go figure," said Jane. "Anyhow, maybe you need to see with your mind and act on instinct." With that, she placed a bucket over Daria's head and turned on the remote sphere which took off and prepared to dive towards its target.
"Oh great," grumbled the Starkiller. "I got to fight with a bucket on my head." But then, at the last second, just before the remote could use its weapon, Daria deflected its shot with her saber, then cut it in two.
"Game, set and match," said Jane. "You see, amiga, you can do it."
"I'd say it's luck," stated Sandi.
"Believe you me," said Jane, "in my line of work, there ain't no such thing as luck. Happenstance, maybe, but luck, no."
"Taking on remote control spheres, it's one thing," said Sandi, "trying to determine what's a Fashion Do between a Fashion Don't, it's another." At the moment, a beeping sound was heard, followed by a flashing light; seeing that, the pirate said, "We're coming up on Olderman. Come on, Tiffy let's unfold from hyperspace."
So whilst Sandi and Tiffbacca headed down the hall to the cockpit, Daria, having taken off the bucket, said, "All joking aside, I truly could see the remote."
"So unless you had on X ray specs," said Jane, "that was good, which means you've taken your first step into a better Dariaverse."
In The Def Starr council chamber, a house type doorbell sounded, and Govenor DeMartino said, "It's open."
The doors opened and in stepped Imperial Officer Rita Barksdale who said, "Our Boy Scout ships have reached Danny Boy and found the remains of a Lawndale rebel base that been deserted for some time, along with several cases of Billy Beer and a few Rubik's Cubes. Theyr'e now continuing a further check of the system, whilst making a guest appearence on Total Request Live."
After that, she bowed and departed; DeMartino, for his part, jumped up and down in a rage, shouting, "She lied!! She lied!! She lied to us!! Now we'll be in dutch with the power company!!"
"Seems we weren't the only ones weaving a tangled web," said Darth Helen. "On the plus side, at least we DID get rid of one rebel planet. I told you she would never betray the rebellion, unless she had her signals crossed."
"Terminate her.....at once, just like Timmy Mcveigh!!" barked DeMartino.
"She WAS an egotistical bore anyway," said Helen. "I'll put the order through at once."
The Millennium Diva was just coming out of hyperspace, a surreal strange light show was surrounding the ship. Inside its cockpit, Sandi and Tiffbacca were at their controls.
"Stand by, Tiffy, here we go, cut in the sublight engines," said Sandi. "And make sure you got your scrunchies organised."
"Roger that," said Tiffy. "I just hope we don't wind up in the Robotech universe like we did the last time."
"Think positive," said Sandi. "OK, let's get on with it."
"Roger that," said Tiffbacca, before she turned a dial whilst Sandi pushed back a lever--and the streaks turned back into stars..........followed with huge chunks of meteors rushing at and nearly buffeting the shilded pirate ship.
"Holy urban renewal......!!" said Tiffbacca. "What's that?"
"What the........aw.....!!" said Sandi before calling out, "All of you, come here!! Olderman's missing!!"
At once Daria, Jane, Brittpio and Kevin entered, the QB droid saying, "Oh, man, what a mess!! Where'd these rocks come from?!?"
"For that matter," said the cheer droid, "what happened to Olderman?"
"Maybe they went on holiday," said Tiffbacca.
"The whole planet?" said Jane.
"What happened here?" said Daria. "Did we take a detour?"
"No, we just came out of hyperspace and into some meteor shower that ain't even on the charts," replied Sandi, "which means only one thing, that according to our navigation computer and GPS, our path is right on the money, 'cept....no Olderman....!!"
"What?!?" blurted the Starkiller. "I don't get it."
"You just don't bloody get it, do you?" said Sandi. "That ruddy planet just ain't there, it's been blown away totally, just like Paris Hilton's birthday cake."
"What? But how?" inquired Daria.
"Destroyed........by The Empire....!!" declared Jane.
"The Empire?" said a doubtful Sandi. "You've got to be joking. Anyone that thinks The Empire can take out a whole planet with not much firepower is daft. It would take 1200 Three Mile Islands to do that."
Suddenly, an alarm was beeping and Tiffbacca said, "Uh, Sandi, I don't like to be the harbinger of bad news, but we got another ship nearby."
"We got another ship, eh?" said Sandi. "Well what could it be? Britney in a new blinged DeLorean?"
"Long as it ain't no gypsy road hog," said Brittpio.
"Maybe it's a foregin job," said Kevin.
"Maybe they know what happened," said Daria. "Surely The Eyewitness News was there."
"It's an Imperial fighter," said Jane darkly.
Jane was so right, because right after two explosions, a twin hexagonal winged TIE fighter streaked past the cockpit windscreen.
"It followed us!!" said the Starkiller. "Now we're busted."
"No, it's a short range fighter," said Jane. "I heard The Empire had a fuel crunch so they're trying to conserve fuel with fighter pools."
"But how'd it get here?" said Daria. "There ain't no bases nearby....."
"Unless they hitched a ride," said Kevin.
"Could be," said Brittpio.
"We should've gotten their licence plate number," said Tiffbacca.
"In that case, if it identifies us, we'll be in hot water--and not in a hot tub," stated the Starkiller.
"Not if I can help it," said Sandi. "Tiffy, jam its cell 'phone, and we'll follow that thing."
"It's far out of range anyway," said Jane. "Besides, curiousity killed the cat."
"Maybe," said Sandi, "but satisfaction brought it back."
And that was how it happened when the pirate ship chased down the Imperial fighter till it was evedent that the Millennium Diva was gaining on the TIE, till a small moon was in their sights.
"A fighter that size couldn't had gotten here on its own," said Jane. "Maybe it got beamed here just like Star Trek."
"Logical," said Tiffy. "And fascinating."
"Way to go, Sandi, just don't go for the TIE, go for the win." cheered Brittpio.
"Now I know it's a gyspy road hog," said Kevvy. "Look at the way it's guzzling fuel just to shake off our tail."
"Maybe it got lost," mused Daria, "been part of a convoy, maybe it was on a field trip."
"One thing's for sure," declared Sandi, "Who ever's the pilot won't stand a chance on tattling once we get a hold of it--it worked for OJ. I think I can get it before it's out of range."
"I wish we were home on the range," said Brittpio.
"That bozo in that TIE," said Tiffbacca, "is getting a knuckleburger dee-lux."
"It's heading for that small moon the size of Jupiter," said Daria. "And it's in the high rent district, no less."
"Sounds like Beverly Hills to me," stated Sandi. "No matter; we've got the bastard."
But when the pirateship got even close still, the moon planet the size of Jupiter was way too steely to be even a planet--not when it came to a subwoofer speaker built into its side. And Jane knew it, so it was no wonder she murmured, "That ain't no moon......it's a space station, and I don't mean Skylab."
"EEP!! Homina, homina....!!" said Brittpio.
"Oh, rats!!" said Kevin.
"A space station.......with ugly white gray colours......how unfashionable......!!" said Tiffy.
"Impossible!!" said Sandi. "The size of Jupiter? Way too big to be a space station!! No wonder The Empire's tough on the taxpayers lately!!"
"I got a bad feeling," said Daria, "and it ain't my stomach."
Turning to Sandi, Jane said curtly, "Turn the ship around--and don't spare the Electric Youth."
"For a fashion disaster, you're right on that," said Sandi. "Full reverse, Tiffy!!"
"Roger that," said Tiffy, who worked on several controls; soon the engines were whining in protest whilst the pirate ship fought to pull away from the still appoaching Def Starr, but try as they might, they couldn't stop the gargantuan station from looming till its size dwarfed them.
"Lock in auxilary power, Tiffy," ordered Sandi.
"I just did," said Tiffbacca. "Maybe there's a hex on our ship."
"Why're we still moving toward it?" said Daria. "As if I didn't know?"
"We're stuck in a Dyson tractor beam--the strongest one there is, on Full Suck Mode," declared Sandi. "It's pulling us in."
"There must be something you can do, other than check your lipstick," said the Starkiller.
"Listen, girl," stated Sandi, "Dysons happen to be known for never losing suction, and we're on full power. We've got to turn off, lest we melt the engines--" here, she and Tiffbacca turned off the engines, their sound dying out "--but they ain't getting me like so much bad fashion clothing."
That was when Jane placed a hand on Sandi's shoulder and said, "You can't win, but there's other alternatives to fighting, such as looking over your blush collection."
Dragged by the beam, the Millennium Diva drifted to the equator section of The Def Starr, where running along that section, were several hangar ports; in one control room tower, an officer at some controls spoke into a mike: "Clear bay 6 & 7/8's. We're opening the magnetic field."
The pirateship glided past several cannon towers and emplacements, entering one of the large sprawling hangar bays, past some blinking red lights and landed to rest in the center of the bay's steel tarmac. At that moment, in a hallway, an officer called out, "To your stations!! And break out your 'Rebels, Go Home' signs at once!!" Then he turned to another officer and said, "Come with me, we've got a close encounter of the third kind."
The hallways were soon full of officers, Death Squad execs and troopers running down all over the place, eventually filling the hangar of 6 & 7/8's and surrounding the pirateship whilst a speaker voice called out, "Close all outboard shields!! Close all outboard shields!! And make it snappy!!"
In the council chamber, there was a buzz on the comlink and Govenor DeMartino spoke into it, saying,"What do you want?"
"Sir," said the voice at the other end, "we've captured a joyriding reckless jewelled freighter that just came from the remains of Olderman; its markings match those of a drag racing ship that took off from Most Likely and had broke the speed limit. We've reason to believe it had no licence plate."
"Drag racing without a licence plate," said DeMartino. "You did the right thing in bringing it here."
"On the other hand," said Darth Helen, "they may had been bringing back the stolen plans to the princess along with a small cheese pizza. She may yet be of some use to me--before we Timmy Mcveigh her, after all, we've got a reputation to protect."
In Hangar 6 & 7/8's, thirty Imperial troops surrounded the Millennium Diva, its boarding ramp down, two troopers coming up an elevator platform in a deep shaft in the black steel hangar floor and a speaker blaring out, "Unlock 5, 6, 7, & 8, release charges," followed by a hissing sound, before Darth Helen showed up and met with Imperial Officer Brian Taylor, who said, "There ain't a soul onboard; it seems it must be a decoy because according to the ship's log, the crew set its auto pilot before ejecting once they finished their pizza delivery. Even some of the escape pods were jettisoned and Cogswelled."
"Any droids, any lottery tickets as well?" said Helen.
"None," replied the officer. "Someone set the whole thing up as a practical joke."
"Well I ain't laughing," declared Helen. "If I ever come across the prankster that did that, "I'll give the bastard a Chelsea Smile........I sense something.......a feeling I hadn't felt since.........no, it couldn't be......on the other hand, why take chances?" Directing her words to the officer, she said, "Get a scanning crew here, I want all parts of that ship checked, and if you see any cigarette butts, clean then out and don't pour them down the loo bowls, got it?"
"Understood, mam'm," said Brian, before the Dark Lady quickly turned and exited the hangar.
Inside one of the hallways of the bejewelled pirate ship, the last of the troopers had departed, one of them saying, "You sure the Indians will beat the Sox? I got 700 Imperial credits on them."
"Positive," replied the other. Then all was quiet.........and then a armaroie at the far end of the hall opened and out stepped Han Sandi, whith the rest not far behind.
"Lucky you built those compartments in the armoraie," said Daria.
"True," said Sandi. "But then again, no self respecting male Imperial trooper in his right mind would DARE look in a woman's lingerie armorie. I used those compartments to smuggle my most fashionable clothing past The Empire. Oh, what's the use? Even if we did take off, we'd never get past that tractor beam."
"In the immortal words of The Powdered Toast Man," said Jane, "leave everything to me,"
"Stupid bloody twit," muttered Sandi. "I knew you'd say that."
"Then who's the more stupid, the twit, or the twit who follows the twit?" said Jane.
"Somehow," said Tiffbacca," that doesen't make sense."
"I'll tell you something else," charged Sandi. "Jane, you owe me 48,000 Imperial credit for promising me 24,000 and the new Waif issues for a trip to Olderman, only for our journey to be for naught when The Empire wiped it out."
"Settle down," said Brittpio. "How were we to know The Empire would butt in?"
"We know now," said Kevin, "and so did the people of Olderman that died with the planet."
"Amen," said Daria. "At least we don't have to pass through the baggage claim section here."
Amid the public address speaker that called out, "L10-11, L10-11, channel S-trigger circuits as arranged by Officer Belloq. P.S., ET, phone home," two Imperial officers were carrying a long rectangular box marked, PROPERTY OF THE BARKSDALE EMPIRE, STAGE, SCREEN & RADAR to the Millennium Diva's boarding ramp which was guarded by four troopers, one of them saying, "The ship's all yours. If the scanners detect anything, report it at once. And, if you see any cases of Guinness beer, bring it to Lady Darth Helen for her birthday to-morrow." Then turning to one of the troopers, he added, "All right, let's go."
So whilst two of the troopers departed, the other two standing guard, the tech officers carried their box up the ramp and into the ship. One second later, there was a crash, which got the attention of the guarding troopers, and a voice called out, "Hey down, there, can you help me out with my scrunchie?" Curious, if not suspicious, the troopers went up the ramp.......and several rounds of phaser gunshots could be heard.
In a control chamber, with The Specials playing A Message To You, Rudy on the radio, Imperial Officer Steve Taylor pushed a button for the console comlink and said, "SS755, why ain't you at your post? SS755, do you copy?"
Puzzled, Steve went to the window that overlooked Hangar 6 & 7/8's and saw a single trooper at the pirate ship's ramp, pointing to a cell 'phone. Disgusted, the officer muttered, "Oh, rats. I told them to always charge their batteries. But would they listen? Noooooooooo......" Turning to Imperial Officer Tom Griffin, Steve said, "Take over, those muddleheaded troopers forgot to recharge their cells. I'll see what I can do."
Steve opened the huge door......and was surprised when Tiffbacca was at the other end with a Blastech E 11 blaster which she used to blast Steve. Seeing that, Tom tried to turn in the alarm, only to be shot by Sandi in a trooper armour outfit; she took off her helmet, just as Daria, also in trooper togs, entered with Jane, Brittpio and Kevin. Taking off her helmet, the Starkiller said, "You know, with all your shooting and complaining and bragging on who's fashionable, it's a wonder the station don't know we're here."
"Bring them on," said Sandi. "I prefer a fight over trying to be discreet anytime. Right now, with these amoured uniforms, it's hard to tell what colour's a Fashion Don't--black, white or all of the above."
"If you ask me," said Tiffy, "that shows how evil The Empire is when it comes to fashion disasters."
"We found The Empire's internet ethernet connection," said Brittpio.
"Then let's see if our QB droid can tap into the Imperial world wide web and seek out that Dyson Tractor bean--I mean, beam--source," said Jane.
"Now you be careful, Kevvy," warned Brittpio. "No telling just how many viruses there may be in The Empire's network."
"No worries, babe," assured Kevin. "I just updated my Norton antivirus to-day." With that, he stuck a plug in the ethernet socket, adding, "Good thing The Empire uses Time Warner cable based net."
For a moment, there were was quiet, but the faint humming of the Imperial computers, until Kevin said, "Shades Of Ghost In The Shell--I found the stuff for the Dyson generator."
"Then put it up onscreen so we can all see it," said Brittpio.
A plasma screen showed computer generated maps of The Def Starr's locations till it stopped at one, with one section flashing.
"Right," said Brittpio, "the Dyson's patched in the main reactor at the corner of 5th and Main in sector SHDW 411. Just pulling out its mains plug should allow the ship to take off."
"Better still, why not just throw the switches to turn it off, THEN pull the plug?" said Jane.
"THAT would work," said Brittpio.
Jane studied the diagrams on the screen before saying (while The Rolling Stones doing Dance Little Sister was playing), "There ain't no bloody way you clowns can help me with that. I must go alone."
"Fine with me," said Sandi. "I am just a fashionable smuggler and a pirate, not a secret agent vigilante."
"Be careful, I think," said Tiffy.
"I want to go with you," objected Daria."I don't like the idea of you dying under a lightsabre's blade."
"No spoilers, OK, amiga?" said Jane. "Just stay and look over the droids. They must be delivered safely lest other star systems meet the same fate as Olderman. Your future stands on a different path from mine on the Route 66 of time." Opening the door and stepping out, she added, "The Farce will be with you, Daria........always...." Then closing the door, she was gone.
After Obi Jane's departure, Tiffbacca said, "That girl is sooooooooooo daft."
"You said it, Tiffy," said Sandi. "Daria, where'd you dig up that strange girl?"
"Jane Kenobi is a great woman, and a great painter," stated the Starkiller.
"Sure, great at painting us in a corner of trouble," protested Sandi. "Obi Jane my afterburners. Right now, the last thing I want is to be captured--especially in a fashion don't like trooper armour."
"So be thankful we'll be on our way soon," said Daria.
"Getting in is one thing," said Tiffbacca, "but trying to take off with drawing The Empire's attention.......brr....."
"Maybe if we time it when when we sneak out to the ship," said Daria, "The Empire will be looking down."
"Great, Daria," said Brittpio. "In the middle of prayers."
"No, in the middle of Bingo," said Daria.
Suddenly Kevin was cheering, "I found her!! She's here!!"
"Who?" said Brittpio, sounding edgy with jealousy, "One of your old droid girlfriends?"
"No, Princess Quinn Morgendorffer," replied the QB droid.
"The one that sent you on the mission a few chapters ago?" said the now surprised cheer droid. "She's here?"
"Princess? What princess?" said Sandi.
"You mean royalty is here too?" said Tiffy. "I wonder if she's fashionable?"
"Just where is she, for the sake of the story?" said Daria.
"Level five, detention block, FZ 35769," replied Kevin, "where she's earmarked for termination just like Timmy Mcveigh."
"I know I hardly put anyone's life first," said the Starkiller, "but my misery chick instinct says we've got to save her."
"Save who?" said Sandi.
"The one these daft jock droids belong to," replied Daria. "Don't ask me why, but we've got to save her."
"I ain't bloody going anywhere, girl," protested Sandi. "Your weird friend told us to wait here."
"How was she to know the princess was also here?" shot back Daria.
"How were we to know either?" said Tiffbacca. "Terminating a princess........it's sooooooo wrong."
"For the first time, I'll buy that," said Daria, before The Kinks came on with Catch Me Now, I'm Falling. Then the Starkiller added, "Now if we can sneak into that detention block........"
"And I ain't going anywhere, cousin or whatever," stated Sandi hotly.
"They're going to lethal inject her," said Daria with some disgust. "A few paragraphs ago, you said you didn't wish to be nicked by The Empire's Finest. Now all you want to do is stay? Make up your mind!!"
"Listen, girl," warned Sandi."I bend over backward for you and your weird friends and we wind up in The Empire's latest creation? So marching into jail ain't what I had in mind--besides, jails can be sooooo humid, and they ruin my hair."
"But they're going to murder her!!" protested Daria.
"Better her than me," said Sandi. "I don't need some other pretty girl nicking my spotlight."
"But she's also rich," said Daria, "and if she may pay you back for saving her with all the tax exempt money, even a lifetime's subscription to Waif--so use it or lose it."
"What do you think, Tiffy?" asked Sandi.
"It could save our necks, Sandi," stated Tiffbacca. "Who wants a price on our heads from Upchuck The Hutt anyway? Brr."
Turning back to Daria, Sandi said, "OK, you got me and Tiffy by our weak spots--what's your plan?"
"Uh......," said the Starkiller, "Brittpio, hand me those binders here to me."
After the cheer droid gave Daria the electronic gold manacles, the would be Cynic tried to place them on Tiffy's wrists, saying, "Now I'll place these on you....."
"Over my dead body," Tiffbacca protested hotly, stepping away. "They may sparkle with gold, but I STILL don't trust you."
"Uh, Sandi, you give them to her then since she trusts you," said Daria sheepishly, giving the fashion pirate the binders.
"Don't worry, Tiffy," said Sandi, who fastened the cuffs on her friend. "I've got a feeling just what she's got in mind......"
"You think so?" said Tiffbacca.
"We know so," assured the Starkiller. "If not, you can sue me for everything I've got."
"Pardon me, Daria," said Brittpio, "but what should Kevvy and me do if we're discovered, say our prayers?"
"Lock the door," replied Daria, "unless they use the old credit card trick."
"And hope they don't use blasters," said Sandi.
"And if all else fails," said Tiffbacca, "cry for your mummy."
"That ain't comforting, you know that?" muttered a disillusioned Brittpio.
"No, babe, I don't like it," said Kevvy.
Undaunted, Daira and Sandi donned their trooper helmets and with Tiffbacca headed out the door and down one of one of The Def Starr's vast hallways, past other troopers, officers, droids and whatnot, who jeered with, "Look at the brat, look at the brat!!"; once, a mouse droid rolled up to them, but Tiffbacca scared it off with a raspberry. Finally, they reached the elevator bank and entered one of them, the Starkiller quipping, "Going up, next stop, level five....."
In one of the hallways, Jane slipped in and out on her way to her destination, unaware that Darth Helen was hiding and spying on her, muttering, "Now why didn't I see that coming?" At that moment, her cell 'phone played the Law & Order ringtone; picking it up, she hissed, "Eric!! What're you trying to do, blow my cover?!?"
Inside the ascending elevator lift, Sandi grumbled, "You plan ain't going to work."
"Why didn't you say so before?" said an exasperated Daria.
"I DID say so before, girl," charged Sandi.
"I thought you only said it once," said Tiffbacca.
"Shh....!!" hissed the Starkiller. "Level five, Imperial troops, Detention Block FZ 35769 and Princess Quinn Morgendorffer, everyone out."
The door opened and the trio stepped out into the office area, full of troopers, camera eyes and alarms, along with The 3 J's, Jamie, Joey and Jeff as Imperial Officers, lounging at the control panel/desk; as soon as they saw Tiffy, they jumped to their feet, fighting over who would arrange for her would be incarceration.
"Hey, I want to be first!!" said Jamie.
"No, me!!" said Joey. "You had that chance last week!!"
"Like bloody hell you did!!" said Jeff. "It's my turn!!" Turning to Daria, he asked, "Where're you taking that fashion freak?"
"Why you dirty......!!" muttered Tiffbacca. "That is soooooo--" before she was nudged by Sandi.
"Uh, convict transfer from block PC2 37183," replied Daria. "She was a naughty Cookiee because she didn't eat her spinach."
"I wasn't informed," said Jeff."The least those Imperial high officials could do is call in advance, but you know how it is."
"We'll have to clear it," said Joey.
"Hey, it's my turn!!" protested Jamie.
As luck would have it, the 3 J's argued, giving Daria a chance to nod to Sandi, who removed the gold binders from Tiffbacca's wrists; once freed, she snatched Sandi's blaster and started shooting up the chamber.
"Watch out!! She's loose!!" screamed Sandi.
"She'll shoot all full of holes!!" barked Daria.
"Go get her!!" exclaimed Sandi, who pulled out her spare blaster and started shooting, as did the Starkiller, making it look like they were blasting Tiffy, when in reality, they were blasting the alarms, traps, camera eyes, troopers, and obviously, The 3 J's themselves......and all that was happeneing, whilst The Beastie Boys were doing Sabotage over the Imperial radio station. That done, the comlink started beeping.
"Someone's calling in," said Tiffbacca.
"First thing's first," said Sandi, who was checking out a computer screen at one of the consoles. "We've got to see which cell that princess is in.......here it is--1987. Go get her, Daria, me and Tiffy will hold the fort, as the saying goes."
"And see if they got any doughnuts," said Tiffbacca.
"Into the breach, it's time to enter limbo," said Daria, before she ran into the nearest hallway whilst Sandi, who had took off her helmet, turned on the comlink to stop the beeping, and said, "All's well here, so no worries."
"You don't sound like one of the 3 J's," said the voice at the other end. "What did you do, get in touch with your feminine side?"
Bristling at the statement, Sandi replied, "No, just got a bad cold, but we had a wild party just now, how 'bout you?"
"You know how we feel 'bout wild parties without the Govenor's permission," said the voice. "We're sending a squad up."
"Uh, no," said Sandi, who was now sounding even nervous than before. "We've got a water pipe leak that'll take time to fix, the lot."
"Who is that?" demanded the voice. "What's your cell 'phone number?"
"Uh....," said Sandi before she blasted the comlink with her blaster.
"You know," said Tiffy, "using the on/off switch would've been easier."
"Who cares?" shot back Sandi. "It was a boring conversation anyway." Turning to the hallway, she yelled," "DARIA!! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"And bad company at that," added Tiffbacca, "and we don't mean the rock band, ew."
In the hallway, Daria had already found cell 1987 and pushed a button to open the door; inside, Quinn was doing her power yoga when she saw the uniformed Starkiller and screamed, "Hey!! Can't I do my power yoga in peace?!? Scram you Imperial pervert!!" Then she paused before saying, "Ain't you a bit geeky and gawky for a trooper?"
"What? Oh, the uniform," said Daria, before she took off her helmet and adjusted her glasses and added, "I've come to save you. Name's Daria 'Starkiller' Morgendorffer."
"Hey, you got the same surname as mine," said Quinn. "What an incredible coincidence!!"
"Maybe," said the Starkiller, "but getting to what's important, Jane Kenobi's with me and we got your droids."
"Jane Kenobi?!?" said Quinn, who hastily gathered up all her belongings and stuck them in her back pack before hoisting that on her back and looking out in the hallway and calling out, "Where is she?!? Obi Jane!!"
In the council chamber, Darth Helen paced the floor whilst Govenor DeMartino played tiddlywinks before saying, "She is here."
"Obi Jane Kenobi?" said DeMartino. "What makes you so sure?"
"A tremor in The Farce," replied the Dark Lady. "The last time I felt it was when I used to run with my old mistress. That, and the fact I saw her in one of the hallways."
"You've got to stop with the beer, because she must be dead now," said the Govenor.
"Don't underestimate The Farce," said Helen. "Besides, I was sober as a judge when I saw her."
"The Cynics happen to be extinct," said DeMartino."with their power burned out from the universe decades ago. You, old friend, you're what's left of their way of life, save for the omnipresent cell 'phone of yours."
Before Helen could protest, the comlink beeped. "What do you want?" said DeMartino.
"We've got a wild party in detention block FZ 35769," said the comlink voice.
"The Princess?!?" exclaimed the Govenor. "Place all sections on alert!! And clean up the mess they made!!"
"Obi Jane IS here," declared Helen. "The Farce is with her--along with a bunch of collage punks."
"She musn't be allowed to escape, so much the worst," said DeMartino. "That would place a black mark on my track record."
"Escape may not be her plan," assured the Dark Lady. "I must face her alone." At the moment, her cell 'phone rang with The Imperial March; picking it up, she said, "Lady Darth Helen, most exhalted tosser and tyrant of The Barksdale Empire, can I help you? What? Jillian's Delicatessen? You got the wrong number."
"Elevator, going up," said Tiffbacca.
"Tiffy!! Get behind me!! Get behind me!!" barked Sandi. "Don't fight till you see the whites of those Imperial troops!!"
Aiming their blasters at the centre lift door, the two opened fire before even the doors opened, frying some troopers in the process, but even so, there were just simply (as any genius can tell you) way too many troopers to take out, so it was no wonder Sandi and Tiffbacca retrated down the cell hallway, the incoming troppers blasting and jeering, "We're kicking your bums, we're kicking your bums!!" Down the hallway, Daria and Quinn met up with Sandi and Tiffbacca.
"Can't head back that way," said Sandi. "Those bleeding troopers blocked our only way out just like a roadblock."
"Maybe there's an emergency exit?" said Tiffy.
"Not on your life," declared Quinn. "You two sods had the only way blocked since it's a detention section--they don't build them with many exits, as any designer will tell you."
"Wouldn't you like it better in your cell, your highness?" said Sandi. "Already I can see you're way too pretty in my sights. And too popular for me."
"She DOES look like the fashionable type though," said Tiffbacca.
"Whose side you on?" griped Sandi.
"Some rescue," grumbled Quinn. "You've should've planned ahead, you know that?"
"Ask Daria here," grumbled Sandi. "She's the brains here."
"She's a brain?" gasped Quinn. "EWWWW!!"
"There's got to be another way," said Daria, who pulled out her cell 'phone, and after placing a call, yelled into it: "See Brittpio, SEE BRITTPIO!!!!"
"That you, Daria?" said Brittpio at the other end.
"No, it's Smokey The Bear," sneered the Starkiller sarcasticly. "Those troops set up a roadblock in the detention hallway. Any other way out?"
"I'll see," replied Brittpio.
Inside the control room, Brittpio was consulting with Kevin, who was patched into the Imperial network..
"EEP!! You've got to be joking, Kevvy." said Brittpio.
"No joke, babe," said Kevin. "I've seen that sort of thing on the late late show."
Turning to her cell 'phone, the cheer droid said, "No good; according to Kevvy, all those Imperial jokers were alerted even now, and that the main exit is your only way out. And then again, there's the laundry chute."
Suddenly there was a bang on the door and a voice yelling, "Open up in there!! Open up in there!! Open the door!! At least be thankful we didn't say 'Richard'!!"
"EEP!! Oh no!!" wailed Brittpio.
"Now we can cry for our mummy," said Kevin.
Back in the hallway of Detention Block FZ 35769, Sandi, Tiffbacca and Daria were trying to stave off the tide of enemy troopers--until Quinn grabbed Sandi's blaster and blasted a hole in a nearby grate in the wall.
"Hey!!" charged Sandi. "You on a vandalism streak?"
"Someone's got to save our hides," shot back Quinn. "Into the laundry chute, girlies!!"
After Quinn jumped in the chute, Daria said, "That was just what Brittpio said," before she also jumped in.
"Want me to swat her bum?" asked Tiffy.
"No, Tiffy, I don't want you to swat her bum yet," said Sandi. "I think I feel a love/hate thing with her--OH!! What am I saying? Now jump in the chute!!"
"There might be bleach in there," objected Tiffbacca. "You know how bleach ruins my hair colour."
"Get in there, Tiffy!!" barked Sandi. "I don't care if there's bleach in there!! At least we'll make a clean getaway!!"
So Tiffbacca, and then Sandi jumped down the chute, though not before tossing in a handful of lit fircrackers to scare off the troppers, which it did.
The chamber the four fell in was dimly lit, with stainless surgical steel walls, a quarter full of water and laundry with a huge black rubber washer agitator in the centre of the water. And right now, Daria, Quinn, Sandi and Tiffbacca were sloshing around in the water, trying to get their footing and sorting through the laundry in the said water.
"EW!! Boxer shorts!!" said Quinn. "A real fashion don't!!"
"Titety whiteys!!" moaned Tiffbacca. "Another fashion don't!!"
"BLAAH!! Black goth brassire and knickers!!" griped Sandi. "Yet another fashion disaster!!" That was when she found a medium sized hatch, only to discover it wouldn't open.
"You and your stupid ideas, down the laundry chute!!" grumbled Sandi. "Step aside, I'll open that bloody hatch!!"
"Stop!!" warned Daria.
But Sandi had drawn her blaster and blasted at the door....and the resulting phaserbolt bounced off the hatch and the walls before taking out a chunk of the agitator and crashing into the water.
"And the girl gets a cigar," said Tiffbacca.
"Will you stop it?!?" charged Daria. "I already tried it!! It's magneticlly sealed!!"
"Put that blaster away!!" barked Quinn. "You trying to sign our death warrants?!? You know....I would've been better off allowing those Imperial sadists ending my life just like Timmy Mcveigh."
"Listen, you," shot back Sandi, "we had things under control until you botched it with your laundry chute idea. Worse still, it's only a matter of time before The Empire figures out where we're at."
"What more do you want?" charged Quinn. "You said you wanted to make a clean getaway. At least my robe is the wash and wear type..... oh well, it could be worse........"
No sooner had Quinn said that, a deep, low moaning could be heard from the layers of laundry and water.
"It's worse," said Sandi. "It's the creature from the black lagoon. I've got a real bad feeling."
"Something just went past my leg," said Daria, "and that something is burned up that we cut in on its territory."
"But what kind of something would be here?" said Tiffbacca, "Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters?"
"It's got to be a Dianoga," said Quinn. "I heard they live in washing machines to feed on the lint that comes from clothing--EW!!"
"Ew is right," said Sandi, aiming her blaster at a tentacle that went past her leg."I just saw it myself."
Suddenly, a periscope like eye with the words DON POST STUDIOS sketched on its neck popped up from the surface, looked all around, then went down......before a tentacle pulled Daria down under the water.
"Daria!!" screamed Quinn. "Come back!! You can't leave me with those girls alone!!"
Just then Daria did come back--with a tentacle wrapped around her.
"Blast it!!" yelled the Starkiller. "My blaster hand's wrapped in that tentacle!!"
"Grabbed by a Dianoga tentacle," said Tiffbacca. "Ew, that is sooooo--""
"Never mind, Tiffy!!" grumbled Sandi who took a potshot at the thing with her blaster; a loud deep shout of "OUCH!!" was heard before it pulled Daria again under the water, but she came back up again.Climbing up, she wiped off a piece of black sludge off her armour and started singing to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo, "Pardon me, Quinn, could that be Dianoga pooh pooh?"
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" chorused Quinn, Sandi and Tiffbacca.....before several doors in the walls opened up and poured powdered laundry soap in the water, stopped, and then the agitator started turning back and forth, which churned up not only the water, but also the laundry and the girls themselves.In seconds, the room was ful of soapsuds.
"I always dreamed of starring in a soap opera," said Tiffy, "but not like that....!!"
"We're trapped in the Wisk room!!" yelled Sandi.
Help!!" said Quinn, "We're going to be subdued by Lawrence Welk!!"
"So much for our clean getaway--wait," said Daria, pulling out her cell 'phone, placing a call and then saying into it, "Brittpio!! Hey, Brittpio!! On deck!!"
But what came out from the 'phone was: "Hi! Name's See Brittpio, human cyborg relations specialist and cheerleader. I just stepped away, but if you give me your name and number, I'll get back to you. Have a nice day!!"
"I bloody hate answering machines.....!!" grumbled the Starkiller.
In fact, there was a reason why Brittpio failed to take Daria's cell 'phone call: the gantry control room she and Kevvy had used was empty, so when the Imperial troops used a credit card to unlock the door and open it, they only found two dead officers and an empty room.
"What happened to those two?" said the first trooper.
"We told them not to use so much Xtasy, but would they listen?" said the second trooper. "Serves them right."
"Help!! Help!! Let us out!!" called Brittpio.
Opening the closet door, the troopers found the jock droids among some boxes (one of which had the words THINGS THAT BELONG TO CUTES scrawled on the side).
"Look what just came out of the closet!!" said the head trooper. "How'd you get in there?"
"Terrorists raided the place here!!" replied Brittpio in a fearful voice "I overheard them say they were headed for a detention level. If you hurry, you may get them."
"Thanks," said the head trooper, whilst Brittpio and Kevin slipped out nonchalantly, down the hall to Hangar 6 & 7/8's........
In the giant washing machine, the wash water had drained, with only the rebels, the laundry and what looked like the Dianoga remaining........before fresh water poured in from overhead and refilled the chamber, then the agitator resumed its back and forth motion again.
"At least we don't have to worry over the soap suds," said Tiffbacca.
"But now we've got to worry that once that machine finishes," said Daria, "that the trap doors will open and we'll drop down to the wringers below, on the way to the drying machines, and you know how hot they can be, and who wants a pressed and fried pirate, princess, Cookiee and future Cynic Knight anyway?"
"YIPE!!" said Sandi. "Someone DID come up with a way to fricassee a a fashion pirate like me!!"
"We're gooners!!" said Quinn.
"You mean goners," said Tiffbacca.
"Maybe Brittpio's finally at home," said the Starkiller, ringing up her cell 'phone. "The third time's the charm."
In Hangar 6 & 7/8's Brittpio and Kevin had found a service panel, and soon the QB droid had replugged back into an ethernet socket, uniting with The Empire's online network all over again.
"See if they've been captured," said the cheer droid.
"Hey, babe why don't you use your cell 'phone?" said Kevvy.
"Use my cell 'phone?" said Brittpio. "EEP!! I forgot I turned it off!!"
Turning her 'phone on, Brittpio was almost jolted when it played the Aqua Barbie Girl ringtone; she pushed the talk button and said, "See Brittpio here, and it's the real thing here."
"BRITTPIO!! screamed Daria at the other end.
"There's no need to shout," said Brittpio. "Anyway, sorry for the delay but me and Kevvy--"
"Close your trap, you nit!!" yelled Daria. "Just turn off all the washing machines throughout the space station, TONTO!!"
"EEP!!" gasped Brittpio. "Kevvy!! Turn off all the washing machines!! HURRY!!"
"Righto, babe!!" said Kevin.
Right after Kevin had said that, in the washing chamber, the agitator stopped its back and forth motion and the girls took to cheereing and raisng a hullabaloo, but over the 'phone, to Brittpio, she thought they were a sceam of dying and moaned, "EEP!! Oh, no, listen to them, they're dying and drowning, Kevvy!! We weren't fast enough!! My poor mistress, all of them!! It's your fault!!"
At first, Brittpio was ready to punch Kevin, but before she could, Daria came on the 'phone saying, 'You've done it!! And just before we were ready for the wringing cycle!! Thanks, you came right on time and saved all!! Your allowance just went up to seven oil cans a week!! Listen, open the maintence hatch on unit......."
"..........F35672MB....," interjected Sandi.
Located in Sector SHDW 411, at the corner of 5th & Main, was a deep shaftlike trench, where a catwalk spanned the shaft; in the center, a few yards from some Imperial troops was a yellow Dyson tractor beam power generator--which was where Obi Jane Kenobi was heading for. At the base of the generator was a control panel where Jane did several adjustments with the switches and levers, dials and sliders, many lights changing from red to green, a dying humming sound the further proof. Then to make sure The Empire didn't switch it back on, she pulled the mains plug out from its socket and waited behind the generator when some troopers showed up, one of them saying, "Secure that section until the alert is canceled. "
"Do you know what's going on?" said the second trooper.
"Beats me," said the first one. "Maybe it's another drill."
"Which one, Black & Decker or Makita?" said the third trooper. "Just give me regular reports."
Now that Kevin had unsealed and opened the hatch for the giant washing machine, Daria and her friends climbed out, into an unused hallway where they wrung the water from their clothing and dried them selves from a hot air vent nearby after the Starkiller and Sandi had doffed their trooper armour uniforms and strapped on the blaster belts. That done, Sandi said, "If we can avoid any further royal advice, we can head back to the ship in the worst way."
"Then let's go," said Daria.
"Here comes that Dianoga again, from the open hatch," said Tiffbacca, pointing to the long tentacle working its way out from the hatch, in search for a victim--no wonder Tiffy ran off and hid behind some boxes near a wall.
"Stupid idiot," grumbled Sandi, aiming her blaster at the creature just as Quinn yelled, "No, wait!! They'll hear!! On the other hand...."
Shrugging, Sandi blasted at the creature; the noise of the blast rolled down the hall, shaking off from the walls, framed posters of Darth Helen which fell to the floor. Then, spotting Tiffy cowering behind the boxes, Sandi said, "Come here, you big coward!!"
Shaking her head, Tiffbacca said, "No. I've had my share of scares for one day, even for a fashionable girl like me."
"Tiffy, come here!!" barked Sandi."You give the popular a bad name."
"Listen," said Quinn to Sandi, "I don't know where you come from, much less know what kind of lip gloss you use, but from now on, you do what I tell you, OK?
"Now YOU listen," charged Sandi, "I take orders from only one girl--ME. And besides, the last thing I want is some princess upsurping my populairity."
"Oh, Sandi," said Quinn, "I could never replace you."
"Let's just get moving," said Daria.
"And the sooner the better," said Tiffbacca.
So the group headed down the hallway, Quinn looking at Tiffbacca and saying, "Will someone get that walking brain dead fur coat out from my way?"
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," said Tiffy.
"No reward is worth for saving her, not even for Waif," grumbled Sandi. "WHAT am I saying?!?"
At sector SHDW 411, Jane produced an empty washed out bottle of Jagermeister and hurled it down the hall; the sound of the bottle breaking against the wall had the troopers running to the sound of the crash, giving Jane time to slip away from the Dyson and run down a long hallway, discreetly. Elsewhere, the troopers had examined the broken pieces of the bottle, one of them saying, "Jagermeister. Someone's got a stash of that stuff."
"And getting careless with throwing away their bottles as well," said another trooper.
At one point, Daria and the other girls stopped before a window that overlooked not only Hangar 6 & 7/8's, but also the Millennium Diva.
"There it is," said Sandi. "Getting to the ship is going to be like getting past a bunch of rioting shoppers at The Mall Of The Millennium."
"More like a long line at the salad bar." said Tiffbacca.
Ringing up Brittpio on her cell 'phone, Daria spoke into it, "See Brittpio, do you copy?"
"I read you, Daria," said the cheer droid.
"Likewise for me," said Kevin.
"We're at a service panel, in the hangar near your ship," added Brittpio, "downloading tunes from The Empire's online network."
"Then we must be right above you," said the Starkiller. "Till then, take care and carry on," After that she hung up, saying, "Those two can be something else."
"You came in that ship?" Quinn said to Sandi. "It's so beautiful....you're even more artistic than I thought."
Blushing, Sandi said, "Don't remind me. Let's go."
For Daria and her friends, it was touch and go whilst they went down the hallway--until they chanced to round the corner, right into a battallion of twelve troops, both groups taking each other by surprise, the head trooper saying, "Why don't you look where you're going, you stupid rebels?!? Wait!! It's them!! Blast them!!"
"Sure," said Sandi, who ran into the batallion, mowing them down with the blasts of her blaster before turning to Daria and Quinn and said, "Get to the ship!! I got a score to settle!!"
"Payback time for calling me names," said Tiffbacca, who followed her friend who was chasing down the troops. Then they were gone down the hallway.
"They may be crazy, but they can also be brave and fashionable," said Quinn. "And vice versa."
"I don't know which is worse," said the Starkiller, "those two or The Empire. Let's go." With that, she and Quinn went down a subhallway, which led to Sector SHVL 795.
Sandi and Tiffbacca, on the other hand were chasing the enemy troops down the hallway, shouting, "Who's kicking whose bums now?" That is, until the troops came to a stop before a section blocked with barricades and blinker lights with the words, IMPERIALS AT WORK. Seeing that, the troops were forced to turn and take on their antagonists, who, realising the odds at hand, said, "Oops...," before running down the hall, with The Empire's Finest on their trail.
At Sector SHVL 795, Daria nad Quinn soon found out that anothe group of troopers were chasing them, till they reached a red carpeted inclined path to a hatch--a hatch the overlooked a deep shaft like the one in Sector SHDW 411, only its bridge catwalk had been retracted into the wall, with only a stub of the walk sticking out just two feet from the wall, so many feet from the other side of the shaft where the other hatch was.
"I think we took a bad turn," said Daria, her voice echoing off the shaft walls.
"No time to turn back," said Quinn, upon seeing the oncoming tropps gaining on them, before slamming the hatch door on them. "It's a sheild rated door, but for how long?"
"You know, those troops will just use the credit card trick to open the door," said the Starkiller.
"Then do something," said Quinn.
"OK," said Daria, aiming her blaster at the control panel, and...well,,....blasting it to burnt out steel. "How's that?" she said.
"Fine," said Quinn. "Now let's look for the controls that extend the bridge."
Looking over what had been the controls, Daria could only say in a crestfallen mood, "Oops....I think I just blasted it."
"Oh, Daria!!" moaned Quinn, "how can things get any worse?!?"
Indeed they did, when several troopers, on other catwalks and hatches aimed ther blasters at the girls, just as the hatch behind them slid up a foot, the feet of troopers showing.
"They're coming through!!" said Quinn. "We've had it!!"
"Me, Daria, you, Quinn," said the Starkiller, who handed her blaster to Quinn, saying, "Up to some target practise?"
"And how," replied Quinn, who took the blaster and blasted every troop in sight, a bell ringing with each hit, each trooper falling down the shaft, whilst Daria produced a long rope of heavy duty dental floss with a hook on it and twirled the hook before turning it loose; it wrapped around some overhead pipes, and after tugging to see it would hold, which it did, she turned to Quinn and said, "And the princess wins a Ming vase. Hang on to me, and hold on to your red hair."
Quinn did hold on to Daria--before she moved foward and kissed her on her cheek, saying, "For luck."
"Yuk," said the Starkiller before she and Quinn, on a wing and a prayer, just as the opening hatch opened a few feet more, swung across the shaft to the other side and the other hatch, and safety in the other hall, Quinn, calling out to the troops that finally opened their door, "Sissies!! You can't take it!! Sissies!!" and blasted them. That done, she and Daria ran down the hall.
After a platoon of troopers ran past, Jane waited before it was safe, than headed down that said hall, unaware that from a discreet distance, Darth Helen was following her, all the time talking to Eric on her cell 'phone..........
In Hangar 6 & 7/8's, Brittpio was looking all around whilst the trooped milled around the posh pirateship of Sandi's, and listening to The Spice Grils doing Wannabe.
"Oh, where can they be, Kevvy?" she moaned.
"Hey, I got The Pigskin Channel!!" said Kevin.
"You do?" said Brittpio. "Well put it up on the screen!!"
Down a long vast hallway, Sandi and Tiffbacca were running from twelve enraged Imperial troops.
"Hurry, Tiffy!!" called Sandi.
"I wish I could," said Tiffbacca, "but it's hard to run in high heels. At least you've got running shoes.."
"So I've got only one pair of running shoes," shot back Sandi.
Ahead was an open blast door; seeing that, the head trooper called out, "Close the blast doors!!"
And the doors did close, only for Sandi and Tiffy to slip through, getting a few shots in before the door's five layers slammed between them and the troopers.
"Open the blast doors!! Open the blast doors!!" yelled the head trooper.
"Now where did I put that credit card....?" muttered a second trooper.
Jane was running down a hall, five yards between her and Hangar 6 & 7/8's, where the Millennium Diva rested. Just a few yards more and she would be home free--until she stopped and with reason.....for there at the end of the hallway, her red bladed sabre ignited and in her hand, talking into her cell 'phone, was Lady Darth Helen of The Spit. Igniting her blue bladed sabre, Jane stepped foward saying, "Wouldn't you know it?"
"Just put down 50,000 credits in my favour, OK, Eric?" said Helen. "Thanks." Hanging up, she said to Jane, "I've been waiting for you, Obi Jane. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner and a lawyer in training, now I am the mistress."
"Only a mistress of evil, Darth," said Jane, "and a mistress of one big bad ego."
"A bad ego?" said Helen. "Is that so? May I remind you I just had Eric place 50,000 Imperial credits at the nearest Imperial bookie joint in my favour."
"50,000?" echoed Jane. "Then bring it on, you old gimp!!"
"Let's get it on!!" said Helen, just as a bell rang and a female Imperial Officer walked by, carrying a card reading: ROUND 1. Needless to say, it didn't take long for Jane and Helen to engage in many clashing with the glowing light blades of their sabres, crackling coming from them now and then, whilst they clashed and fought without end.
"Block," said Jane, "thrust, guard, parry, Luke Perry, Perry Como, Robert E. Perry."
"You power is growing weak, teen lady,' said Helen. "You should've never had come back."
"You can't win, Darth," said Jane. "If you cut me down, I will come back as a ghost and haunt you."
"Go haunt a house," said Helen.
"How many rooms?" said Jane.
"Seven," replied Helen.
"With or without bath?" said Jane.
"You're a mental case, you know that?" shot back Helen, whilst she and Jane fought with their sabres with all the vim and vigor.
Inside Hangar 6 & 7/8's, Brittpio was getting worried when Kevvy said, "Hey!! It's Sandi and Tiffy!!"
"YAY!!" chirped Brittpio. "Unplug yourself, Kevvy, we're going."
"Just as well," said Kevin, having unplugged from the socket. "That ruddy Imperial network's full of porn sites."
"Ew, even there?" said Brittpio. "Well, let's hurry."
So saying, the jock droids met with Sandi and Tiffbacca, who were coming out from a small hallway.
"Well, if it ain't the junky jock droids?" said Sandi. "Say, ain't that where we came in?"
"The password is 'deja vu,' you know?" said Tiffbacca.
Just then, Daria and Quinn emerged from a hallway, the Starkiller saying, "Seems out motley crew is almost together again, as soon as Jane gets back."
"What kept you?" said Sandi.
"We ran into some old enemies," said Quinn, "but we sent those sods home to cry."
"You know, we did the same thing too," said Tiffbacca, but my high heels will never be the same."
"So how's the ship?" said Daria.
"Doesn't look like the engines, the bling, nor the gems have been stolen," replied Sandi. "Now getting to it--THAT is a different story. I only hope your artiste loving friend pulled the plug on that Dyson."
"Programs!!" called the voice of an Imperial officer, pacing the hangar floor, hawking programs. "Get your programs here!!" he said. "You can't tell the duelists without a program!!"
"Look......," said the Starkiller.
Indeed everyone looked....over to where Jane and Helen, The Dark Lady Of The Spit were lightsabre dueling in the hallway; seeing that, the troopers abandoned their posts and ran over, getting a program along the way and arriving at the hallway entrance. The bell rang again, and the ring girl waked past, carrying the card reading ROUND 2.
"Now's our chance!!" hissed Sandi. "Let's go!!"
And go they did, with Sandi leading, followed by Tiffbacca, Quinn, Brittpio, Kevin and Daria, scuttling across the hangar deck and up the the Millennium Diva's boarding ramp and into the ship.....everyone but Daria who hung back and glanced at Jane who spotted the oncoming troopers, then readied her sabre for the killer blow, saying to Helen, "Time for the coupe de grass,'" then brought the blade down........which suddenly faded out, Shocked at what she saw, Jane opened her sabre casing and out tumbled four Crummyvolt penlight batteries.
"What irony!!" moaned Jane. "Betrayed by a lack of faith in The Farce....and four dead batteries. Guess The Farce can also be against me."
"Next time," said Helen, "use rechargeable ni cad batteries. But like I said, I am the mistress now."
With cold precision, Helen brought the energy blade of her sabre on Jane, cutting her in two and causing her to vanish; Obi Jane's robe fell to the floor in two, empty, her sabre rolling along the floor, past the troopers and stopped at Daria's feet.
"Well THAT was quite an exit," said Helen. Picking up her cell 'phone, she rung up Eric saying, "Eric, it's me, Helen. It was all too easy. Guess I won the bet--and you'd never believe what happened."
Daria, on the other hand, picked Jane's sabre and clipped it on her belt, yet, unable to believe what she had seen, was aghast, shouting, "NO!!!!!!!!" before hoisting up her blaster and taking out troopers, the score bell ringing each time, shouting, "Bang!! Bang!! You're dead, you dirty rat!!"
"Come on!!" called Sandi.
"Come on!!" yelled Quinn. "Daria, it's too late!!"
"Too late, my eye!!" yelled Daria. "Come and get me, copper!!" she said to the troopers she was blasting; one of them fell down the lift shaft.
"Blast the door, girl!!" said Sandi.
Aiming at the door panel controls, the Starkiller blasted the safety release switch; the emergency circuit broken, the door sealed, seperating Darth Helen from the troopers......and that was when Daria heard a disembodied voice--that of Jane's--call out, "Run, Daria, run!!"
After looking all around, Daria muttered, "Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming," before running up the boarding ramp and into the pirate ship.
In the cockpit of the Millennium Diva, Sandi said to Tiffbacca, "I just hope that Jane turned off that Dyson tractor beam or it's going to be a short trip!! OK, hit it!!"
"Roger that," said Tiffbacca before she slammed her fist down on the panel.
"No, Tiffy!!" said Sandi. "I mean turn on the switches!!"
"Sorry," said Tiffy, who turned on the switches whilst Sandi did the same, the engines building up in their whine and power, resulting in the pirate ship hovering 15 feet above thae hangar deck, retracting its landing gears, turning around fast so the its front faced the hangar port, and rocketed out from the hangar port bay of 6 & 7/8's, out far away from The Def Starr, and out into deep space.
"She did it all right," said Sandi, grinning. "Only where do we go from here?"
"Let's try the 4th moon of Yawnin," said Tiffy. "I hear they got fantastic shopping there."
"We're there, girl," said Sandi.
In the holding section of the pirate ship, Daria was bawling her head off, despite Quinn having placed her white cape on the Starkiller's shoulders. Well, that and Brittpio's attempt to call out one of her cheers and Kevin's joke telling; all Daria did was moan, "I can't believe she's gone."
"There wasn't anything you could've done," said Quinn gently. "It was all over in an instant. At least you won a teddy bear for a perfect score in taking out those troopers."
"I need her more than a teddy bear," sobbed Daria.
"There, there," crooned Brittpio. "She was a good friend."
"Right said, babe," said Kevin.
Up in the cockpit, Tiffbacca turned to a tracking screen, and said to Sandi, "Four TIE fighters on our tail and they're tailgating our ship--sooooo wrong."
"Then it's time," said Sandi. "Take the controls, it's time for a game of The TIEs That Bind." Jumping up, she headed down the hall to the holding section and said to Daria, "Come with me, girl, we ain't out of it yet."
Perking up, the Starkiller asked, "Is it time for the big dogfight?"
"You better believe it," replied Sandi, who gestured for Daria to follow her down the hall, to a ladder and to a cannon station with a seat, headset and mike, targeting screen, and handgrip controls. Beyond that was a diamond orb shaped window; a few seconds were all it took for the Starkiller to settle on the seat, don her headset and ready her controls. On the other side of the ship, Sandi was similarly set up in her own gunner station. Turning her mouth to her headset mike, she said, "All set, girl?"
"Is MXC a take on Takashi's Castle?" said the Starkiller.
"I'll take it as a yes.....," said Sandi. "Anyhow, stay sharp and don't let The Empire play with your mind."
"It would be better if The Empire played tiddlywinks," said Daria.
In the cockpit, Tiffbacca piloted the Millennium Diva whilst Quinn kept a sharp eye out for the oncoming enemy, both at the windscreen and on the tracking screen, before she yelped, "Here they come, at 4:00!!"
"Can't be," said Tiffy, "it's only 9:15--oh, you mean the TIEs?" Turning to her headset mike, she said, "Sandi!! It's time!!"
"I see it," said Sandi. "Let's get on with it, Daria!!"
"Welcome to the jungle," said Daria.
Whilst Brittpio and Kevin were playing Welcome To The Jungle by Guns 'N' Roses on their I Pods, a TIE fighter streaked past the cockpit windscreen and up and shot a few bolts past the ship, one of them flaking the sheilded hull. A second one flew past in the other direction, and in spite of their best efforts (at first), Daria and Sandi were having trouble trying to lock on their targets (one TIE had a blinged rhinestone message on its hull that said, BADA BING, the other had a talisman shape of a nude lady hanging on the window frame) which were flying a fast speeds.
"They're coming in too fast!!" called Daria.
"Naturally they're coming in too fast," said Sandi. "They're The Empire, they can do what they want. But I got a way to take them out--and not on a date."
At that moment, the first TIE swung into Sandi's view before it was hit with her firepower before the enemy had a chance to get in a cheap shot. After that, a bell rang. But then, the second Imperial fighter blasted through the sheilding of the Millennium Diva, and through the hull,, causing a fire in the holding section knocked Brittpio into a pile of potatoe chips. Kevin, on the other hand, said, "58, 47, 33, 78, hike!! Fire, fire!! Clear the way for number two!!" extending out from his head, a nozzle which sprayed a fire extinguishing powder, thus putting out the blaze.
"Oh, Kevvy," said Brittpio deleriously, "ain't there anything you can't do?"
"Get a job," replied the QB droid.
The second TIE swung into view,and Daria lined it up in her targeting sights.....and blew it with her cannon, the bell ringing again for 40 points.
"I got it!!" said the Starkiller.
"Great, girl," said Sandi. "Just don't get cocky--after all it ain't over till you run out of nail polish."
In the cockpit, Quinn called out to Sandi, via the comlink: "There's two more and they're flying like drunk drivers on a rampage."
"Thanks for the warning," said Sandi. "Our ship's got to stay together. You here me, ship? Stay together, let's stay together...." Then she was singing, "Let's stay together....."
"Al Green, she's not," muttered Tiffbacca.
"Now if she was trying to be a Spice Girl," said Quinn, "that would be different."
The third TIE was spraying the star regions of space with its phaserbolts, all of which didn't mean a thing to Sandi who lined up the enemy Imperial in her sights and blasting off one of its solar panels, causing the bell the ring and the Imperial fighter to blow up.
"Never underestimate the power of fashion and girl power," taunted Sandi. "Daria!! The last TIE's heading your way!!"
"OK, you stupid Imperial," said Daria, "time to break some family TIEs."
Just as the last TIE lined up in her sights, the Starkiller said, "I haven't had my chocolate, don't make me kick your bum. On the other hand, what's the use?"
Locking on, Daria took a potshot at the TIE and it exploded, tallying the score to 160.
"That does it!!" called Daria. "We got the last one!!"
"Score one for girl power!!" chirped Sandi.
"We've done it!!" cheered Quinn, hugging Tiffbacca who said, "And Sandi and Daria get two heart balloons apiece."
In the holding room, Kevin was trying to free Brittpio, who was tangled in a pile of sparking wiring and cables.
"Help!!" said Brittpio. "I think I've melted!! It's all your fault!!"
"Aw, babe," protested Kevin, "I told you not to do the watusi to Guns 'N' Roses."
With the crisis solved, the Millennium Diva zoomed into hyperspace, on the way to Yawnin 4.
In the council chamber of The Def Starr. Darth Helen entered, saying into her cell 'phone, "I got to go, Marianne, we've got a planet to blast." Hanging up, she stood before the Govenor Grand Moff DeMartino, who said, "So they're away?"
"They just did the jump to hyperspace," said Helen. "After what they did to our best TIE pilots, there's going to be a lot of junk in the sky."
"We ain't in the sky," protested DeMartino, "we're in space."
"Sky, space, who cares?" said the Dark Lady Of The Spit. "Fancy a wager that the Lawndale Rebel base is on the moon of some gas giant?"
"OK, then," said the Govenor. "I'll wager that the Rebel base is at The Fountainbleu Hotel in Miami--oh, I should remind you, that I am taking a bloody chance. You sure that GPS homing beacon is secure onboard their ship?"
"Yup," said Helen.
In hyperspace, Quinn entered the cockpit of the Millennium Diva where Sandi, a pair of mylar heart balloons tied to a chair, was piloting when she saw Quinn and said, "We'll be making a stop on Yawnin 4, where there's a lot of shopping malls, in downtown Massacre."
"And also where the Lawndale Rebel base is located--the REAL Rebel base," said Quinn.
"You mean that was where it was located?!?" blurted Sandi. "That place that The Empire was try to pry out of you? That place was what all the fuss was with that daft Darth Helen and The Empire?"
'Yup," said Quinn, "that and the plans for The Def Starr which I stashed in Kevin Detoo's hard drive."
"No wonder The Empire was after Daria and those droids of hers," said Sandi. "And I thought they were after them, just for running out on paying a parking ticket."
"And no wonder our escape from The Def Starr was too easy," said Quinn.
Surprised, Sandi said, "Come again?"
"Why do you think The Empire sent out only four TIE fighters after us?" said Quinn, "when they could've sent out, say, twelve?"
"Just for the fun of it?" said Sandi.
"Could be," said Quinn, "but the way I see it, they're tracking your ship to learn the Rebel base's location."
"Not my ship, sweetie," said Sandi.
"Then how come Brittpio found a GPS homing beacon onboard?" said Quinn.
"A GPS homing beacon? On my ship?!? And you didn't get rid of it?!?" charged Sandi.
"For the sake of the story," said Quinn. "A handful of Rebel pilots would've been cheated out taking on that Def Starr, and besides The Empire would've found out where we were anyway. Until we locate a weakpoint in The Def Starr's works, the battle ain't over yet. Or words to that effect."
"It is for me, sweetie," shot back Sandi. "I ain't into such heroism, nor any geeky save the galaxy crusade. Me and Tiffy, we're into populairity, fashion, money and Waif. In fact, we just want to get paid our share of Waif and money so we can pay off Upchuck The Hutt."
"Ew, I've heard of Upchuck," said Quinn. uneasily. "But if you've gotten into a dept with that bloke, it's your fault, hanging with a pervert like that. Fine--if you love money, Waif and fashion, then that is what you may get, that and jail time, just like Paris."
Getting up, Quinn started for the door, just as Daria entered, carrying in one hand, two mylar strings that had two mylar heart balloons, just like Sandi's.
"Your fashion friend," said Quinn to Daria, "is quite a diva mercenary. Does she truly care for anything or anyone, other than fashion, money, the lot. Or is she another Britney, Celine or Mariah?" Then she exited.
Settling down on the seat next to Sandi, Daira said, "What do you think of her, Sandi?"
"I try not to," replied Sandi. "She's just too pretty for my looks when I strive to be THE prettiest, which what I was born to be."
"Good......," murmured Daria under her breath. "Almost like the kind of rivalry between Britney and Cristina."
"Still," added Sandi," she's got the kind of character that matches mine, as well as qualities I look for in someone fashionable.You don't think a part of me would want a princess like Quinn as a friend of mine...."
"No," replied Daria. "Give a few minutes, and you two would be in one bloody catfight just like the one Krystle and Alexis had."
"Maybe......," murmured Sandi, her face with a puzzled look. "maybe not........I need to see a shrink...."
The huge orange gas giant planet known as Yawnin, was not a habitable world when it came to sub zero tempertures, crime, pollution, 120 mile per hour winds and worst of all, bad reality show programming. Such a fact was pointed out by an orbiting satellite which bore the sign, WELCOME TO YAWNIN. ABANDON ALL HOPE, YOU THAT LAND HERE. But several of the planet's moon's were planet sized in their own right and of those, a few of them could support humanoid life, particularlly, the fourth moon of Yawnin, which was where the Millennium Diva headed for, flying low over the jungle landscape and landing at the Azteclike temple city of Massacre, where the Lawndale Rebel Allience base was also located, since the postcard like billboard sign located outside the city read, WELCOME TO MASSACRE, HOME OF THE REBEL BASE OF THE LAWNDALE REBEL ALLIENCE. Soon the pirate ship's crew were on a railway car that led into the city and after a few minutes of that, they came to a stop at Massacre City Hall, where Officer Coyote showed up after the Rebels climbed off, and hugged Quinn before composing himself.
"You're safe!!" he said. "We had feared the worst when we heard how Olderman was wiped out by N.W.A.'s F*** Tha Police; when that happened, we thought you were lost with your father and the rest of your people. I mean.......urban renewal is uncool."
"Right said," agreed Quinn . "Right now, we ain't got time for sorrows, Coyote--that comes afterwards. Right now, you've got to download from Kevin Detoo here, some important stuff from his hard drive. It's the only chance we got if there's ever going to be any sequels from the saga."
"No bumper stickers? No curios?" said Coyote. "Oh well, we'll get to it."
A tech officer plugged into Kevin's USB plug and called up the downloading procedure to transfer the contents to the Rebel computers; on one screen, the following text came up. THE TOP SECRET PLANS FOR THE BARKSDALE EMPIRE'S DEF STARR COPYRIGHT 1950 GENESIS TECHNOLOGIES, NOW OWNED BY THE EMPIRE, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TOP SECRET. UNAUTHORISED DUPLICATION PROHIBITED. Next came hundreds of computer generated schematics, maps and blueprints of The Def Starr, the lot.
"And to think," said Brittpio, "all that came out from you, Kevvy."
"What a shock," said Kevin. "Just call me Detoo, Kevin Detoo."
The Def Starr was gradulally coming around in orbit with Yawnin, on the way to Yawnin 4. And inside the council chamber, a beep came on the comlink and Govenor DeMartino said, "What do you want?"
"We're approaching the planet Yawnin," said Imperial Officer Rita Barksdale. "We now know through the magic of the GPS, the Lawndale Rebel base is on its fourth moon, in the center of downtown Massacre."
"I knew it," said Darth Helen. "That means you owe me 960 Imperial credits. Soon as we can, let's wipe out Yawnin so we can get to Yawnin 4 and--"
"--and wind up in another debt with the power company?" said DeMartino. "I say we save our power on the fourth moon and save energy and money that way--until our technology improves in Return Of The Cynics."
"You got a point, Scrooge," said Helen.
In a big meeting room, dominated by a 70 inch plasma telly, General Willow presided over the group of Rebel pilots, droids, and many other people (among them, Ebert and Roper) before saying, "OK, listen up, all of you. now that you've got you popcorn, candy bars, soda and whatever you like to munch before the screen, we can get started. The Barksdale Empire's newest creation, The Def Starr, is the size on Jupiter, uses a 87,000 watt subwoofer to wipe out whole planets, especially if heavy metal, grunge and N.W.A.'s F*** Tha Police is used. It also uses a heavy amount of cannons which can wipe out a huge fleet and uses energy generated screens so we'll have to use our X and Y wing fighters."
Whilst the computer graphics played on the screen, Claire Defoe, also known as Gold Leader, who headed the Y wing fleet, asked, "I shouldn't ask such a dumb question, but what good can our planes stand against that?"
"The mosquito screens used by The Empire," replied Willow, "should have plenty of gaps for our planes to get past, that, along with the token weakpoint, discovered by Princess Quinn Morgendorffer, should be our winning ticket to victory and our way into MTV's Spring Break party. Anyhow, the weakpoint is located in the equator trench where for our planes to fly in and aim into a seven foot wide thermal exhaust port to a shaft leading to The Def Starr's reactor, where protected by glass, is a switch reading TO WIPE OUT THE DEF STARR, BREAK GLASS AND PUSH BUTTON. Keep in mind, the port is ray sheilded so we've got to use proton torpedoes, which is the usual Star Wars canon."
"A target seven feet wide?" said Tom Slone Antilles to Daria. "Impossible--it's like taking out a reckless rollerblader."
"No it ain't," said the Starkiller. "I used to bulls eye Iron Chefs in my T16 at home--and they ain't seven feet."
"Now man--and woman--your ships," said Willow, "and may The Farce be with you!! Oh, and remember, there'll be fewer coffee breaks."
The Def Starr was moving around and in Yawnin's orbit, drawing even nearer to Yawnin 4; inside the bridge, Govenor DeMartino and Darth Helen were staring at the plasma screen which showed at first, a computer generate map of intertwining orbital paths in relatind to Yawnin and its moons, each planet serperating from each other, then changing to a targeting sight, showing the image of Yawnin moving aside to the left of the screen, the green outline of Yawnin 4 coming out from behind the gas giant, whilst an onscreen countdown stop clock appeared at the bottom of the screen. And all that was happening whilst a P.A. voice said over the speakers, "Orbiting Yawnin at major velocity at 70 miles per hour. The Rebel base will be in range in 19 minutes."
"It'll be a day long remembered," said Helen. "It's seen the end of Kenobi and soon it'll be the end of The Lawndale Alliance as well. Hey, I'd better ring up Eric to place a bet."
"For that, " said DeMartino, "I demand a ringside seat. In fact, I just arranged with all Imperial broadcasting networks to make it a pay per view event."
Nearby Rock & Roll Randy, who was at his DJ turntables, said, "Guess what? I got a real exclusive tune perfect for the occasion--Rammstein's Du Hast. ROCK & ROLL!!"
"All pilots, ready your ships. All pilots, ready your ships. It's we were going for the one," said the P.A. speaker in the vast hangar full of X wings and Y wings as well techcrews and pilots; among them, in her orange X wing pilot uniform, was Daria heading for her selcted plane, muttering, "At least the colour matches my mood--OH!! Sandi's got me doing that!!"
No sooner had she said that, the Starkiller had chanced to spot Sandi and Tiffbacca who were loading money strongboxes and copies of Waif in a U-Haul. Seeing Daria, Tiffy said, "Hey, Daria, I didn't know orange was you choice of colour."
"Not what I'd call a Fashion Do," said Sandi.
"So you got what you wanted," said Daria. "And you're running out?"
"Right the first time," replied Sandi. "LIke I said, me and Tiffy were into fashion, money and populairity, than your stupid revolution or whatever. Besides, me and Tiffy got some bloody debts to pay off--and besides, me and Tiffy got to check out to-night's broadcast of Buffy."
"And believe you me," said Tiffy, "it's a keeper. I heard it's a musical."
"A musical, huh?" said Daria.
"Say, why don't you team up with me and Tiffy?" said Sandi. "We can use your Cynic talents."
"Just the thing for our smuggling talents," said Tiffbacca.
"Why don't you take a look at what's happening?" charged Daria. "All those people bent on a task from which they may never come back from, and you hate sharing your skills with them? Besides, I ain't even a Cynic yet. And you thought all the other World Wars on the earth had it bad, these star wars can be even worse, with odds that can be too low for zero, I don't know. But I guess why question your way of life? I mean, we've seen that Def Starr and the bookies say no-one's got a prayer of taking out that thing. At least it's what the bookies say anyhow."
"Then how come you joined up with those unfashionable pilots?" said Tiffbacca.
"It seemed like an idea at the time," replied the Starkiller, shrugging her shoulders.
"Figures....," said Sandi.
"Well, take care of yourselves," said Daria. "The whole galaxy's full of kooks and not all of them work for The Empire....."
She turned to her plane, before Sandi called out, "Daria?"
"What?" said Daria, a quizzical look on her face.
"May The Farce be with you," said Sandi, a slight grin on her face.
"What she said," said Tiffbacca.
"Thanks," said the Starkiller before heading to her Xwing; after she ran off, Sandi turned to Tiffy and said, "Hey!! What's your worry? I know what I am doing!!"
"I sure don't," said Tiffbacca, "not with the way things have been. Only one thing: DOES Daria know what SHE's doing?"
"How would I know?" grumbled Sandi.
Arriving at her X wing, Daria examined it, muttering, "A 1977 job, indeed. Too bad '77 was a bad year, all because of some woman. Oh well....."
"I hope that woman wasn't me," said Quinn who arrived, her statement jolting Daria by surprise.
"Sorry, I didn't mean you," said the Starkiller. "I meant someone named Debbie."
"Gibson?" said Quinn.
"No, Ferrer," replied Daria in a gloomy way.
"What's troubling you?" said Quinn.
"It's Sandi," said Daria. "I thought desspite her fashionable rep, I'd thought she'd join in the fight against The Empire, the lot."
"A spoiled fashion diva like her must select her own path," said Quinn. "No-one can select it for her. I should know, for I am a fashion stalwart like her."
"Wouldn't you know it.......," said Daria. "I only wish Jane was here."
"She may be......in spirit, for all we know," said Quinn before she kissed Daria's cheek.
"Don't embarrass me, huh?" said the Starkiller.
"Whatever," said Quinn. "Make that Def Starr go bang for me, OK?" And then she departed......just as a new girl showed up, also in pilot togs, and Andrea Hecuba was her name.
"Daria!!" said Andrea. "How'd you get here?!?"
"Andrea.......," said Daria in surprise. "Of all places for you to meet me here!! Listen, I got a lot of stories to tell you....."
Just then, Alison, who was code named Red Leader showed up and said, "So you're Daria 'Starkiller' Morgendorffer. Were you checked out on the T 16? It's faster than those avarage European models you see these days."
"Trust me," said Andrea, "Daria's the best sandpilot there was on the mean streets on Tattoo You."
"That so?" said Alison. "Listen," she said to Daria, "I met your mum once when I was a girl. If you've got her piloting skills, her wit and her sharp tongue, you may just carry on in the gallery of the greats--and save the saga at the same time. Good luck to you then."
After Alison ran off, Andrea said, "I got to get back to my own ship, OK?"
"I told you I'd make it someday," said Daria, "in my own special way."
"You tell me your stories when we gate back, OK?" said Andrea. "It'll be like old times, eh? We're a couple of nonconformists that can't be stopped!!"
"And you will always be the best friend I got," said the Starkiller before adding under her breath, "Next to Jane, that is."
Turning back and climbing into the cockpit of her X wing, Daria got ready from removing The Club from her joy stick to hanging her Sick Sad World talisman on the windscreen; behind her, hoisted up a placed in the socket behind the cockpit, was Kevin, who said, "Yay!! I get to join in the fight!!"
Below was Brittpio who called up, "Now you be careful and come back in one pice, got it, Kevvy? You wouldn't want life for me to get boring, right? It'd be sad without someone to hit and hurt and punch, right?"
"Oh babe," said Kevin. "I should get you a punching bag."
Looking back at that, Daria did her Mona Lisa grin before a tech officer came up to her and asked, "Pardon me but that QB droid looks trashy. Want a new one?"
"Not on your life," replied the Starkiller. "That QB, his girlfriend droid of his and me have been through a lot and let's just say it'd be no so called fun without them. All set Kevin?"
"Yup," said Kevvy. "Let's get to kicking some bum here!!"
All around the hangar, activity was increasing with fighter planes hovering on VTOL mode, one by one, Daria doing the same when Jane's voice said, "Daria........The Farce will be with you."
"So will you," said Daria. "I can feel you with me, so get off my X wing!! It's built for one and right now the first priority is to locte that weakpoint Willow mentioned."
"But how will you know where to locate it?" said the disembodied Jane.
"It's a 1200 to 12 chance," said Daria. "Which reminds me: what happens if there's a botch up in the mission?"
"Simple," said Jane. "The Farce also knows when and how to cover up."
In the space between the jungle and the city of Massacre, fleet after fleet of X wings and Y wings took off for sky and out into space, on the way to The Def Starr; on X wing had a sign that said: THE DEF STARR OR BUST.
In the combination war room and road house pub, Quinn, Brittpio, Willow and several other people were gathered around a table like screen showing computer generated images of Ywanin (A huge red dot), The Def Starr (A smaller blue dot coming around the huge red dot), and Yawnin 4 (A small green dot on the other side of the red dot known as Yawnin), whilst a P.A. voice said, "Stand by alert, Def Starr approaching. Estimated time to firing and noise pollution range, 15 minutes. All you rebels, get ready to say your prayers until then."
"Oh boy," said Quinn.
"No worries," said Brittpio. "I got faith in Daria since day one....and Kevvy too"
"Why is it," said Quinn, "that if a brain like Daria is our future, we're history?"
When the X wings and Y wings reached The Def Starr, Tom Sloane Antilles spoke, "Look at the size of that thing!! Looks like a sphere shaped boom box."
"Cut the chatter Red Two," said Alison. "Increase speed, brush your teeth and let's get past those mosquito screens, but first, stand by to lock X foils in batte mode."
From all over the X wing fleet, every one of the pilots, finishing with Daria, replied, "Standing by."
"Start!!" said Alison.
Which they did; the wings on each wing split apart, forming the letter X, like dragonflies; one pilot was playing on his iPod, an MP3 of Eddy Grant's Electric Avenue, whilst all the fighters darted through towards the surface of The Def Starr, and that was when the enemy station's turbo phasers opened fire, as did the cannon towers till the whole thing was a crisscross of red and green streaks of phaserbolts. Once, Daria was intent on taking out a cannon tower saying, "Red Five here, ready to make a mess," before blasting at the tower, but the explosion drew her X wing into it, the Starkiller knowing she couldn't pull out in time.
"Daria!!" called Andrea. "Pull out!!"
As luck would have it, Daria did pull out from the other side, her X wing scorched from the flak but still in one piece.
"You OK?" said Andrea.
"I got fried," said Daria, "as did these hot dogs here but I'll pull through." Producing a shish ka bob, on which was skewered a few hot dogs, she added mustard to them and ate them.
"Quite a cookout, " said Kevin.
Within one of the hallways of The Def Starr, alarm klaxons were blaring, red lights were flashing Imperial staffers were running all over the place and The Seat Belts' Tank was playing in the background before Darth Helen showed up, with Imperial Officer Rita Barksdale in tow, the officer saying, "We count 30 Rebel ships, Lady Helen, but they're so small, they're evading our turbo phasers."
"I told Eric that we should use screens on the windows but would he listen?" said Helen. "Oh, bother!! We've got to stop them ship to ship. Get the TIE crews to their fighters."
The X wing and Y wing fleet had taken out and evaded the cannons so far when Willow came on the comlink saying, "Squad leaders, you'd best watch your backs--be on the look out for enemy fighters. They'll blast your bums off if you ain't careful!!"
"I don't see no enemy fighters anywhere," said Red Leader Alison. "Is that some kind of joke?"
"Believe me, it ain't," said Willow.
"She ain't joking," said Gold Leader DeFoe. "Look behind you!!"
Sure enough, a squardon of TIE fighters raced across the surface of The Def Starr, each one bearing on and blasting at the Lawndale Rebels. What happened next resulted in some casualties on both sides of the war, for both Rebels and Imperials, whilst (I Want To Fly Like) Superman by The Kinks played, on some TIE pilot's MP3 player (don't ask). It got so bad, that at one time, one of the Rebel X wing pilots chose to play Jimi Hendrix' Purple Haze on his CD player, and a TIE pilot said on the comlink, "Will you turn that disrespectful rubbish off?!?"
"Respect the classics, man," said the Rebel, "it's Hendrix."
Needless to say, it was no wonder the Imperial took a shot at the pilot, blasting the X wing and its owner to smithereens, putting an end to Hendrix, saying, "There's one hi fi, unlikely to fi no more....."
Another time, Daria was chased by one relentless TIE and she muttered, "Blast it, Andrea, where'd you go, on a bubble gum break?"
But as it turned out, Andrea cane from behind the TIE--and went for win with several blasts, putting an end to the Imperial nemesis. Later, the Starkiller chased down a TIE intent on blasting Andrea's X fighter; digital crosshairs lined up in her sights and Daria wasted no time in wasting the TIE.
"And the Starkiller gets a free ride on the merry go round," said Tom Slone Antilles.
"Hey, don't you start," warned Daria.
"Gold Leader to Red Leader," said Claire DeFoe, "see if you can stall the TIEs whilst we head for our target."
"Roger that," said Alison. "and whilst you do so, head for your Wal Mart as well."
"OK," said DeFoe. "Just Git-R-Done, as they say."
With the Y wings heading for the trench, that left the X wings to route the remaining TIEs off to the point they couldn't track their way home. However, inside one of The Def Starr's hallways, Darth Helen briskly walked up to Imperial TIE pilots Michelle Landon and Ashley Amber Taylor and said crisply to them, "Several of our fighters broke off from the main group, others went AWOL for a Jagermeister break and the rest chickened out. Come with me--and tell the hangar staff to prepare my prototype Advanced X1!!"
The Y wings reached The Def Starr's equator trench, leveled off and were soon skimming its surface.
"I just hope," said Arnie Beckham, ne' Gold Five, "that we didn't wind up in one of those sewer trenches where floods happen."
"Think positive," said Gold Leader Claire DeFoe. "Switch all power to front deflector screens, switch all power to front deflector screens. Say, do any of you know the way to San Jose?"
Streaking down the trench, the Y wings eluded the phaserbolts that lanced on from the sides of the trench, including from a cannon tower that shot its bolts whilst it rotated, the graffiti message FANCY A CUPPA T.N. TEA, REBEL SCUM? spray painted on one side.
"How many guns do you think, Gold Five?" said Claire.
"I'd say 24 of of them," said Arnine, "12 on the surface, and 12 on the towers. Least there ain't some on Carrie Fisher's head."
"Don't be so irrevelant," said DeFoe. "Ready your target and Wal Mart screens." She switched on her targeting computer which showed the treach and its countdown clock and a display that said, BLOW UP THE DEF STARR. COPYRIGHT 1977 REBELSOFT.
From one of The Def Starr's hangar bays, three Imperial TIEs flew out--two ordinary TIEs, flanking a large prototype Advanced X1, manned by Helen, who said, "Stay in battle formation." Then placing a call on her cell 'phone, she said, "Eric, did you get the pay per view rights?"
In the trench, the phaserbolts that had been blasting at the Y wings, without warning stopped.
"The guns, they've stopped." said Arnie. "Maybe after we get done with the bombing, we can check out those UFO goddesses I once met."
"Something tells me there's a reason why the guns stopped," said DeFoe. "All wings, stay sharp and look for enemy fighters."
"Here they come!!" said Brooke, alias Gold Four. "3 marks at 3:38."
It was true: Darth Helen's TIE Advanced X1, flanked by the ordinary TIEs, manned by pilots Michelle and Ashley Amber, dived down out from the starfield, and leved in the trench, heading for the Y wings. Inside the X1, Helen said, "I'll take them myself. Cover me. And look both ways when you cross the street."
"Understood," said Michelle.
"He's hooked, he's hooked, his brain is cooked," said Ashley Amber.
With an MP3 of Mel Blanc singing Big Bear Lake on her iPod, it didn't take long for Helen to chase down each one of the Y wings and blast every last one into bits of flesh and steel till she was closing in on Gold Five's (Arnie's) Y wing which caused the poor pilot to scream, "It always happens to me all the time!!"
"Stay on target," said DeFoe.
"It's no good!! I can't move!!" said Arine.
"Stay on target," said the calm DeFoe.
"We're too close!!" said Arine.
"Stay on target," assured DeFoe.
"LOOSEN UP!!" yelled Arnie before he bought it with Helen's phaserblast and exploded.
Seeing that, DeFoe got wise to what had happened and said to Alison, "Gold Leader to Red Leader, lost Arnie, lost Brooke."
"I copy, Gold Leader," said Alison.
"They came in from behind.....," said DeFoe before she was engulfed, then blasted by Helen's firepower before she exploded.
"Rats!!" said Alison. "Now we'll never know what happened after that."
Back inside The Def Starr, at the bridge, Imperial Officer Marianne timidly approached Govenor Moff DeMartino and said, "We've analysed their plan and there is a danger that is sure to hurt you ego. Should we have your ship standing by?"
"As in evacuate?" said DeMartino. "In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances. Besides, a Grand Moff always goes down with his or her Def Starr."
"Fine with me," said Marianne. "But don't say I didn't warn you." And then she departed, whilst DeMartino stared at the screen, its computer generated (CG) targeting image showing Yawnin moving away, Yawning Four more exposed, whlist a P.A. voice said, "Rebel base, twelve minutes, and closing. Hey, pass me a sandwich."
"OK, mates," said Alison, "let's make it big, just like Wham before George Michael's success."
Just as the X wings dived down to the trench, a new voice came from the speakers, that of Brittpio's: "Hang on, Kevvy, hang on!!"
'Oh, babe!!" said Kevin. "How embarrassing.....!!"
In the war room of Massacre, a handful of Rebels stared at a blushing Brittpio who said, "Sorry, it seemed like an idea at the time."
"You want my advice?" said Quinn. "Next time, try oil that is caffine free." At that moment, the P.A. voice said, "The Def Starr will be in range in twelve minutes. Sign your wills soon."
With the X wings skimming the trench, Alison used her targeting screen to scan for the target which was coming up fast. "Almost there," she said.
But alas, as it was with the Y wings, Helen's TIE X1, with the other two TIEs was rapidly racing down the trench, picking off pilots one by one.
"Close up formation," said Helen. "Time to give new meaning to the 'death penalty.'"
"Hurry it up," said Red Seven, Elsie Sloane. "That ain't The Red Baron on our tail!!"
"I told you not to be reading so many Peanuts books," said Tom."
"Almost there......," said Lindy, before the sights lined up and she launched her torpedoes, shouting, "It's away!!" and yelled like Tarzan whilst pulling up and out from the trench with others following; alas, the blast exploded outside the shaft instead of in it, the blast shaking up a hallway in The Def Starr, prompting one Imperial to say, "There's a whole lot of shaking going on."
"We done it!!" cheered Lindy.
"Nope," said Elsie. "They just exploded outside the shaft--and so will you."
Looking back, Lindy could see just what Elsie meant when she saw Helen's X1 bear down on her.
"Try to give me the shaft, huh?" said Helen. "Now it's my turn." Taking aim, she targeted Lindy's X wing and blasted it into a fireball, muttering, "I'll get the highest score for sure."
In the Def Starr's control bridge, the main screen was showing more of the CG image of Yawnin Four, the P.A. voice saying, "Rebel base, one minute and closing. Hey get you own sandwich!!"
"Well, Daria," said Tom Sloane Antilles, "it's your show. What's your plan?"
"I say we just take on that target and get it over with," said Daria. "Elsie, Tom, Andrea, close it up and cover me."
"But can we do so, a motley crew like us?" said Andrea.
"It'll be like Hobo's Canyon back home," assured the Starkiller. "So let's get it on."
And that was just what the remaining X wings did, heading for and leveling off in the trench, with Helen and her pilots coming on behind, when Jane's voice said, "Trust your feelings, Daria."
"At least don't do that when we're trying to concentrating," said Daria before adjusting her targeting screen, before saying, "There's a tower nearby so let's make like Melody Powers and make that shaft our first priority."
"What of those fighters?" said Tom Sloane Antilles.
"You worry over those fighters," said The Starkiller, "I'll worry over that tower--and the shaft too, that is, if we all don't get the shaft."
"No worries," said Elsie. "Beside it's just you that one big TIE is after."
"Close up formation," said Helen. "It's time these Rebels learn that it's better to burn out than to fade away."
Indeed, it didn't take long for Helen's X1 to lock on and blast one side of Tom's X wing, causing the fighter to pull out of the action.
"I got to pull out," said Tom. "Seems I got off easy, just like in the script."
"Then hang outside the trench," said Daria. "You can't do any better unless you got wings from Red Bull."
"Sorry," said Tom before he pulled out--and Helen pulled in his place, and Daria saw that the X1 was gaining on Andrea.
"Andrea, think fast!!" said the Starkiller, "That TIE's behind you, ready to sign your death warrant!! Tom, Elsie and I can't cover you for sure!!"
"Sign me death warrant?" said Andrea. "'Cor!! Let me out of here!!"
And that was when Helen, with inhuman precision, blasted to pieces, Andrea's X fighter before TIE pilot Ashley Amber said, "And Lady Helen gets a cigar."
"Come on now, that joke's getting old," admonished Helen.
"We lost Andrea!!" called Tom.
Crying for the second time, all Daria could do was mutter, "You will always be the best friend I've got.........that Darth Helen knows how to hurt a Starkiller......"
In the bridge, the onscreen CG target showed that the image of Yawnin was 3 quarters offscreen, the P.A. voice saying, "Rebel base, twelve seconds and closing."
"Fade out, rebel base....," said DeMartino. "After today, we'll pull out the bubbly and book a suite at Mandalay Bay....."
"Mandalay Bay!!" cheered Rock & Roll Randy. "ROCK & ROLL!!!!"
Alone in the trench, Elsie and Tom having pulled out for the moment, Daria muttered, "How's that for fair weather friends?" whilst Darth Helen's TIE X1 and the TIEs piloted by Michelle and Ashley Amber started to close in, and just as the Starkiller said, "I don't want to play no more," Jane's voice interjected, "Use The Farce, Daria."
"How?" said Daria.
"Let go, amiga," said Jane's disembodied voice.
"No way," said Daria, "after what happened to Andrea and the rest."
"Daria, trust me.....," said Jane's voice.
"OK," grumbled the Starkiller. "But if we all lose our lives, guess who's got a vendetta with you." So saying, she turned off her targeting computer, prompting Willow to say, "Her computer's turned off. Daria, you turned off your computer. Did a Trojan virus hit it?"
"Nope,' said Daria, "I just want to use The Farce."
"The Farce?!?" screamed Willow. "You insane?!? You can't hit a target seven feet wide with that so called Farce!! You've been in the marijuana, were you? Don't you know marijuana is bad, m'kay?"
Suddenly, Helen had locked on and blasted her phaserbolts, which hit Kevin Detoo, who yelled, "OUCH!! Tell Britt....I love her.......," before he died out.
"Oh, great," said Daria, "I lost Kevin....!!"
Back at the Massacre Lawndale Rebel Base, Brittpio, upon hearing Daria's news, wailed, "OH NO, KEVVY!!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"How worse can it get?" said Willow.
At that moment, the screen now showed The Def Starr aligned with Yawnin Four, a voice saying, "The Def Starr just reached Yawnin Four, The Def Starr just reached Yawnin Four. Have a nice day."
"THAT is how worse it can get," moaned Quinn.
In The Def Starr's control bridge, the onscreen CG image showed that the orange Yawnin image was gone, with only that of Yawnin Four remaining; that changed to a close up CG image of the moon, the voice saying, "Rebel base, in range. Time to take out the trash."
"You may fire when ready," said DeMartino. "We'll show those Lawndale Rebels what we're made of."
"Commence primary sound pressure level," said Admiral Chris, for the second time, whilst Rock & Roll Randy readied his sound equipment, ready to play Rammstein's Du Hast, many of the techs working the controls.
Darth Helen and her supporting TIEs were closing in on Daria, The Spit Lady locking on target before she muttered, "Eric will love what's happening next. Right. Your bum is mine, young lady--I have you now."
But before Helen could start blasting, a phaserbolt came from overhead, blasting Michelle's TIE, and taking both Imperials by surprise.
"What?" said Helen. "Did you see that?"
"I did," said Ashley Amber. "Must've been Captain Midnight."
"Captain Midnight, my eye," grumbleed Helen. "I can think of many reasons why that happened."
"And here's one!!" said Ashley Amber in fear. "Look up there!!"
To the surprise of everyone, the source of that mystery bolt that wiped out Michelle Landon's TIE swooped from overhead and was over the trench--in the form of the posh bejewelled pirate ship known as the Millennium Diva, piloted by Han Sandi Griffin, who cheered, "WHOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!"
"Show those Imperials no mercy," said Tiffbacca, who was at Sandi's side.
Fearing what happened to Michelle would happen to her, Ashley Amber steered her TIE out from the path of the oncoming pirateship and tried to warn The Dark Lady at the same time, shouting, "WATCH OUT!!"
But in trying to veer from the Millennium Diva, all Ashley Amber did was collide with Helen's TIE X1 in the process, causing The Dark Lady to spin out from the trench and out into space before the blonde TIE pilot herself exploded.
"Help!!" called Helen. "Stop my ship!! I feel sick to my stomach!! Where's my Dramamine?!?"
With Darth Helen and her fellow TIE pilots out of the picture, the Millennium Diva flew in closer at the trench near Daria and Sandi said to the Starkiller via radio, "You're all set, girl........."
Inside the Rebel base, Quinn, Brittpio, Willow and the rest, surprised by the latest turn of events, listened in on the rest of Sandi's broadcast: "..........now blow that thing so me and Tiffy can get back to Buffy!!"
"And once more, with feeling," added Tiffbacca.
Spurred on, Daria muttered, "Let's do one for the Gypper," before she launched her torpeadoes, which streaked across the trench, into the shaft, and down to the reactor before they hit a glass plated window and a push button; above that was: TO WIPE OUT THE DEF STARR, BREAK GLASS AND PUSH BUTTON.
In The Def Starr's bridge, Rock & Roll Randy was now playing Rammstein's Du Hast and adjusting his sliders, the Grand Moff DeMartino ringing up his bookie joint, ready to collect his money, the techs, working their controls and the P.A. voice saying, "Stand by. It's time for the big one."
With Queen's Another One Bites The Dust playing on her CD player, Daria, Tom, Elsie, several X and Y wings and the Millennium Diva rocketed off; soon after that, The Def Starr exploded in a huge fireball supernova, a big CAAW-BLOOOOOOIE!! showing up onscreen, before the last embers faded out.
"Great shot, girl, that was one in a million!!" said Sandi. "You may be a fashion disaster, but I like your style!!"
"The Def Starr went caaw-blooie," said Tiffy, "and good riddence for now."
At ease, Daria did her Mona Lisa grin when Jane's voice said, "Remember, The Farce will be with you......always.......even in the upcoming sequels and beyond."
"Obi Jane," said the Starkiller, "don't ever change."
Helen, having righted her TIE Advanced X1, piloted it to who knows where, whilst talking to Eric on her cell 'phone, "Eric, it's me, Darth Helen. Can you swing by and pick me up? Seems some teenage girl with glasses pulled a fast one on me. No, I haven't been drinking!! Why is it that someone's got to make a booze joke?"
Having been embarrassed but not bested, Helen gunned her TIE out into space, a bumper sticker saying: CAUTION NERVOUS LADY OF THE SPIT DRIVING.
When Daria landed her X wing in the hangar of the Massacre Rebel base, a cheering crowd awaited her, starting with Quinn who ran to her, chirping, "Yay, Daria!!" and hugged her, spinning her in a circle.
"Was that bang big enough for you, Quinn?" said the Starkiller.
"It sure was!!" said Quinn.
"Hey, Carrie, I mean, Daria!!" said Sandi before she and Tiffbacca showed up.
"You sure took me by surprise," said Daria, "for someone that loved fashion and money."
"I wasn't up to you taking all the credit, and the populairity," said Sandi. "Besides, we got back to Buffy just in time after the commerical ended and before we met you here."
"That and the fact I also bought a TIVO for the show as well," said Tiffbacca.
Just then, Quinn came in between Daria and Sandi and said to the fashion pirate, "Hey, I knew there was more to you than money--and fashion and populairity as well."
"Only when we've saving the galaxy after high school," said Sandi.
"Hey, princess Quinn," said Tiffy, "want to check out the latest fashion afterwards?"
"OK," said Quinn.
"Oh no......," muttered Daria when she saw the burnt out carbonised Kevin Detoo hoisted down to the tarmace before Brittpio came up and wept, "Oh no!! Kevvy!! Say something!!"
"Something....," said Kevin weakly.
"At least it's a start," said Brittpio before turning to a mechanic and said, "You can repair him, OK?"
"We'll do our best," said the tech.
"You must!!" said Brittpio. "If any of my steel wool pom poms or my circuits can help, I'll donate them......!!"
"He'll be OK," said Daria. "He always is."
In one of the city's celebration halls, with a live DJ playing andcrowds everywhere, Daria, Sandi and Tiffbacca came down the aisle to the stage where Quinn, her hair done up and in a much better white dress, along with Willow, some officials, Brittpio and a well repaired Kevin were waiting; after the trio reached the stage, Quinn plcaed 'round thier necks, a long ribbon, each with the gold MTV logo, before doing the same to Brittpio and Kevin. That done, the DJ played John Williams & The London Symphony Orchestra's The Thorne Room & The End Title.
"Well, that does it," said Quinn. "The star wars have finally ended."
"Not quite," said Daria. "We still got the sequels ahead, along with the prequels, that is, if all is successful here, Also, don't forget, I ain't no Cynic Knight yet and Darth Helen got away."
"So that means we get together again," said Tiffbacca. "Fine with me."
"At least we got pay or play contracts," said Sandi.
"I can hardly wait," said Kevin, who used his appendage to spike a football.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Daria WARS!!" cheerd Brittpio, who did a split.
Produced, arranged & directed by
Original Star Wars storyline by
Original Star Wars: A New Hope Produced & Directed by
Shot on location at
Tunisia, England & Lawndale, U.S.A.
Daria courtesy of
Daria created by
The Pizza King, Chez Pierre & Cluster Burger
Mad Dog Morgendorffer Protection Services
IRS Consultant (U.S.A.)
Elsie Sloane, A.S.C.
Inland Revenue Consultant (U.K.)
Martin UK, B.S.C.
Set & model design
Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer
Music performed by (in order of appearence)
Paul Mc Cartney & Wings, Mariah Carey,
Splendora, N.W.A., The Specials, The
Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Beastie
Boys, Aqua, The Spice Girls, Guns N'
Roses, Eddy Grant, The Seat Belts, Jimi
Hendrix, Mel Blanc, Rammstein, Queen &
John Williams & The London Symphony
Dar(ia) Wars: A New Girl starred (in order of appearence):
Princess Quinn Morgendorffer
Officer Rita Barksdale
Daria "Starkiller" Morgendorffer
Obi Jane Kenobi
General Sam Griffin
Admiral Chris Griffin
Govenor Grand Moff DeMartino
Todd, Bailey Buzzcut, Gina, et al
TIFFANY BLUM DECKLER
Han Sandi Griffin
Axl The Bounty Hunter
Upchuck The Hutt
CHARLES "UPCHUCK" RUTTHEIMER III
Imperial Officer Randy
ROCK & ROLL RANDY
Imperial Officer Brian Taylor
Imperial Officer Tom Griffin
Imperial Officer Steve Taylor
Imperial Officers Joey, Jamie & Jeff
THE 3 J'S
Rebel Officer Coyote
Tom Slone Antilles
Andrea Hecuba Darklighter
TIE Pilot Landon
TIE Pilot Taylor
ASHLEY AMBER TAYLOR
All other roles portrayed by The Dariacon Fan Club
Deref Design Services
The Spatula Man
Soundtrack Album available on
RCA Victor/BMG Music Group
Transportation courtesy of
Doggieboy Transport Esq.
Original Sound Effects by
Industrial Light & Magic
Sound recorded & mixed at
Skywalker Sound North
Original music composed &
conducted by John Williams
copyright 1977 Fox Fanfare
Music & Bantha Music (BMI)
Original music recorded at
Anvil Studios, England
Daria is a trademark of MTV
Star Wars & all indica is a trademark
of LucasFilm Ltd.
THX: Making Cinema Sound Better
copyright LucasFilm & Skywalker
Sound North, all rights reserved.
Filmed in Otakuvision
D I S C L A I M E R:
All characters, places, the lot, have turned
out to be 7000% fake, so anything and/or
anyone, living and/or dead, fall under the
catagory of coincidental, at least it's what we
W A R N I N G:
Unauthorised duplication prohibited,
whatever you like it or not. Got it?
Copyright 1977 & 2007 MTV Productions,
LucasFilm Ltd & Robin Sena & The Ghosts.
Dedicated to all Daria & Star Wars fandom
all over the world.
Parental Guidence Suggested
Tis the end of ye tale
THANKS FOR READING!!