Choice of a Skewed Generation
OPENING THEME AND TITLES.
BEGIN ACT 1.
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH CAFETERIA.
(Open with a shot of the double doors. There is a clock above them that reads 12 noon. The sounds of students in the halls beyond can faintly be heard. The left door opens and a stream of nameless Lawndale High students herd through. After about five seconds of this, the right door opens, right as we hear-)
DARIA: There are two doors here.
(Jane follows her through the door, they exit the scene to the left, more people herd through the left door.)
(Cut to Daria and Jane sitting at their usual table with their lunch trays, eating and talking.)
DARIA: So, tell me more about these mind control devices.
JANE: Well, they're very small, they're made of a plastic-like alien substance, so they can't be detected by metal detectors and such, and they beam subliminal suggestions straight into our heads.
DARIA: And they're implanting these in all those abductees?
JANE: Nope. You see, here's the clever part. They've been hidden all around the world, all around us.
DARIA: Uh-huh. And where exactly?
JANE: Inside Fuzzy-Wuzzy Wee Bits. Why else do you think there'd be such a buzz to get them? And why else do their collectors always look so brainwashed?
DARIA: I always assumed their brains were bare to begin with. Okay, so now they've got all these transmitters out, what comes next? They order us all to climb aboard their ships and enter into their slavery?
JANE: Nah, then they tell us to buy Gap sweater-vests.
JANE: Yeah. I think they just like to screw with us.
DARIA: (Looks over her shoulder.) Kinda fish-in-a-barrel, if you ask me.
JANE: Probably. But hey, different strokes for different folks.
DARIA: (Still looking back.) Speaking of different, you notice something different about the wall over there?
JANE: (Cranes her neck to see past Daria.) Nope, still composed of sheet-rock and painted white.
DARIA: Okaaaay, how about the contents along the wall?
JANE: Ummmmm…hey wait a minute. Are you talking about the vending machines?
DARIA: Yep. The Millennial Fizzy* machine is gone.
[*] Tip o' the hat to C.E. Forman, or more accurately, the number one book on the C.E. Book List, Infinite Jest (see "Lotto Nonsense"). I read all 1082 pages of it, footnotes included. Very dense and bloated, but still a good read. Just make sure you set aside some serious time for it.
JANE: Right. And in its place, another Jooky* machine.
[*] From the famous "Image is Nothing" Sprite commercials. More on those later…
DARIA: This does not bode well.
JANE: Well, it can wait until we're done with lunch.
DARIA: Right, when we need it to get rid of the cafeteria food aftertaste.
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAYS.
(MUSIC: "Over The Falls", Primus)
(Show various shots of Daria and Jane walking past several different Jooky machines, looking confused and disappointed. Music fades as they stop by the last one.)
DARIA: Something sinister is going on. Perhaps your aliens are trying to see the effects of removing decent soft drinks from a population of adolescents.
JANE: (Thinking.) Mmmmmmm, nah, that's not really their style, I think something even more sinister might be behind this.
DARIA: Like say, a school administrator, or perhaps a cola executive?
JANE: Egg-sactly. Well, it's not that big a deal, right? We can drink Jooky if we have to. We can handle adversity.
DARIA: I'm afraid not. Aside from the fact that Jooky tastes like transmission fluid, it's endorsed by that annoying guy from MTV. I'd rather not line his pockets, thank you.
(They begin walking down the hall away from the machine.)
JANE: Well, M. Fizzy is endorsed by that annoying guy from SNL.
DARIA: (Nonchalant.) Lesser of two evils.
JANE: Thank God for freedom of choice.
DARIA: Apparently not in schools, though.
JANE: What all have they got in these Jooky machines?
(They stop walking. Through the rest of the scene, a girl in a flannel shirt can be seen in the background. It seems like she's watching our heroines.)
DARIA: (Searches her mind, and counts on her fingers.) Well…there's the regular crap…the diet crap…the root beer crap…and that nasty yellow-green stuff…something-or-other, what's it called?
JANE: Carbonated Yak Piss?
DARIA: Close enough. (Runs her tongue through her mouth.) This is not good. I can still taste the soybean hamburgers.
JANE: We'll hit the drinking fountain for some of that natural unflavored stuff then.
DARIA: Oh well, the price is right, anyway.
(As they exit, the girl in the flannel shirt skips ahead of them, unseen. Cut to drinking fountain, the girl arrives and guzzles some water as Daria and Jane approach. She then stands aside while Jane gets a drink. Daria notices her watching them.)
DARIA: Excuse me?
GIRL: (Trying to stay cool and disaffected but looking nervous nonetheless.) Uh, hi, Daria, Jane. How's it going? (We get a good look at her for the first time, she's wearing a red flannel shirt over a black T-shirt. Her blue jeans are faded and have a hole in the knee. She has dirty-blonde colored hair, which is brushed back behind her shoulders but not styled in any way; in fact, it looks a little unruly. On the whole, she's still quite attractive, except that her nose looks strangely…collapsed.)
DARIA: (A tad defensive.) It's going. Do I know you?
GIRL: Uh, maybe. I know you from English class, you know, with Mr. Creampuff? I'm Brooke.
DARIA: (Still has her guard up.) Hello, Brooke.
(Jane finishes drinking and watches the scene with interest.)
BROOKE: That guy's such a dork, huh?
DARIA: Um, yes, I would have to agree, Mr. O'Neill is certainly grounded in dorkdom.
BROOKE: It's like, he's always asking my name, 'cause he keeps forgetting. Next time he does, I wanna say something like, 'Madonna' or something, that would totally screw him up.
JANE: Well, it's a free country, you know.
BROOKE: (Reluctant.) Yeah. It's a free country. (Gathers momentum.) Yeah, I'm gonna do that!
JANE: (Faux-motivational.) More power to you!
BROOKE: (Really getting into it.) Yeah!
(The bell rings.)
DARIA: Um, I'd hate to break up this little party, but we gotta get to class now. I hear Ms. Li is really cracking down on tardiness.
BROOKE: Oh, totally. She is a total dictator. I'm surprised she hasn't assigned uniforms yet.
DARIA: She doesn't need to. Everybody in the school wears the same brand names anyway.
BROOKE: (Silently awed at Daria's insight.) Yeah, 'cept us, 'cause we're cool.
DARIA: (Somewhat confused.) Yes…'Cause we're…cool.
BROOKE: See you later!
(She exits to the right, follow Daria and Jane as they walk to the left.)
DARIA: Did what I think just happened…happen?
JANE: (Almost as bewildered.) I believe so.
DARIA: Let's compare notes.
JANE: Somebody just talked to us. On our own terms. Or at least something approaching our own terms.
DARIA: And called us cool.
JANE: Yes, and called us cool.
DARIA: Did you check the water in the drinking fountain when it went down the drain?
JANE: Yep. It went counter-clockwise.
DARIA: Well, all is normal in that regard. Perhaps your aliens are disguising themselves and beaming down to Earth in order to round up the strays?
JANE: (Gives Daria a "Huh?" look.) Jeez, Daria, you're more out there than I am.
DARIA: (Smirks.) I think I'll take that as a compliment. (Jane stops walking at a door.) So, this is where you get off?
JANE: Yep, this is my stop. I don't know how I'm going to make it through math without my midday caffeine shot, though.
DARIA: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll find a way, as will I. Later.
INT.: MRS. BENNETT'S ROOM.
(Begin with shot of Daria at her desk propping her head up with her hand, her eyelids heavy. Clearly she is also having trouble with the caffeine-less afternoon in Econ class. Cut to Mrs. Bennett at the front of the room. Various terms and diagrams cover the board as usual, except for the words "TEST TOMORROW!" at the top. Mrs. Bennett is leading the review.)
MRS. BENNETT: Who can tell me the name Adam Smith gave for the force in capitalism that promotes the general efficiency and well-being of the economy despite all the separate goals of the individuals? Kevin?
BENNETT: Um, no, that's not quite what we're looking for.
JODIE: The "Invisible Hand"?
BENNETT: Correct, Jodie!
BRITTANY: Ewww, how creepy!
KEVIN: I saw a movie once where this guy's hand starts killing people by itself! I think it was called…"My Left Hand."
BENNETT: It's not creepy at all, actually. It's merely a way to explain how even though everyone in a free enterprise system is driven by their own self-interest, they still promote a healthy market, and the goods and services produced are of high quality. Recall that this is because of competition between sellers, which is why monopolies are illegal.
KEVIN: Hey! Wait a minute!
BENNETT: (Rolls her eyes.) Kevin, if this is about another horror movie…
KEVIN: Oh. (Settles back down, then gets up again.) No, wait! What about the monopoly here at school?
BENNETT: (Genuinely surprised at Kevin actually grasping a concept.) Um, what monopoly, Kevin?
KEVIN: The pop monopoly, man! They only sell Jooky here now! There's like, no…uh…invisible…hand! No cherry cola either! I'm gonna totally report these Jooky guys to the government!
BRITTANY: Ooh, Kevvie! You're so smart! But not like book-smart, like hero-smart!
KEVIN: (Cool.) Hey, I'm a man of action, babe.
DARIA: (To herself.) And little else.
BENNETT: (Pleased nonetheless.) Well, you make an interesting point, Kevin.
KEVIN: (Grins bovinely.)
BENNETT: But that's not quite a monopoly. It's just at this school. You see, Ms. Li is currently in discussion with Jooky over what's called an "exclusivity contract". In exchange for only providing Jooky products within school grounds as well as advertising, the school will receive valuable funding.
KEVIN: Yeah, but like, M. Fizzy is (recites in TV commercial announcer style) "the choice…of a new generation. That cool, refreshing taste to power you through your busy day!"
BENNETT: (Patronizes Kevin.) True, yes, but the school has had some financial-
KEVIN: (Interrupting.) And then there's that MTV guy on their commercials. (Cups a hand over his mouth to mime a megaphone.) "Hey you! Purple-dress lady! Drink Millennial Fizzy! It's Y2K compatible!"
BENNETT: (Threatening.) Keviiiiinnn…
KEVIN: (Continues his impresion, sings goofy, ad-libbed jingle.) "Drink M. Fizzy 'cuz it's totally hip! Drink M. Fizzy…uh…have a sip!"
BRITTANY: (In full Cheer Mode.) Gooooooooooo, Fizzy!
BENNETT: What did I tell you about imitating that man?
KEVIN: Ummmm…don't do it?
BENNETT: (Uncharacteristically evil tone.) Or I'll make you stay after school and scrape the gum off the desks?!
KEVIN: (Flinches, eyes widen.) Something like that.
BENNETT: Right! (Returns to normal perky self.) Anyway, as of today, Lawndale has become an exclusively Jooky campus, and we're all in favor of the increased revenue. I personally am hoping for an increase in my dry-erase marker budget!
DARIA: (Thought V.O.) So the plot thickens. Well, sort of. (Runs her tongue through her mouth again.) Looks like I may have to brown-bag lunch more often.
EXT.: GYMNASIUM, AFTERNOON.
(MUSIC: "Lotus", R.E.M.)
(Students in Lawndale P.E. uniforms are herding through the left door in the double doors, Daria and Jane, as before, exit through the right-hand one.)
DARIA: (Recites.) And I…I took the road less traveled…
(Cut to shot of them walking behind the crowd of students towards "Lawndale Stadium", where the track is. Daria is in her oversized and faded P.E. shirt, Jane has her blue tank top and shorts on, and her hair is tied back a la "See Jane Run".)
JANE: Such lovely, unseasonably warm weather today.
DARIA: I hate you.
JANE: Oh cheer up. We can have a good exercise, then afterwards, cool down with a refreshing ice-cold Millennial Fizzy, the choice of the new generation!
DARIA: I continue to hate you.
JANE: (A little annoyed.) We can get some after school, sheesh! (Raises an eyebrow.) You know, I wouldn't have figured you to be so beholden to a multinational corporation.
DARIA: (Dry.) It's a cross I must bear. By the way, the dominance of Jooky in our school is yet another one of Ms. Li's pet projects. Apparently, they've got an exclusivity deal going on, which I guess means that we lose out in terms of soda, but this will be bringing honor, read: money, to Laaawndale High.
JANE: Hmm, interesting. Now maybe the teachers won't have to guard their dry-erase markers quite so savagely.
DARIA: Or maybe we'll all get uniforms. With big Jooky logos on them.
JANE: Or maybe, just maybe, the quality of education here will go up. Perhaps they'll be willing to pony up the dough for better teachers.
DARIA: You mean teachers who have had formal training?
JANE: Exactly. We can handle this adversity. This could be the start of something big.
(Cut to shot in front of the bleachers, Daria and Jane come around the back corner. Daria's eyes suddenly widen.)
DARIA: Speaking of something big…
(She points above camera, Jane looks in that direction, her eyes widen.)
(Cut to a shot of the top left corner of what looks like a billboard, but with a screen made up of little lights, like the ones used in sports stadiums that display funky little pictures and advertisements. Pan right to reveal several lighted score compartments, two big ones for a game score, obviously, but several more for practically every moderately relevant football statistic. Pan down below the actual scoreboard (fast enough so that the actual words on the scoreboard are unreadable) to reveal that below everything, and stretching the entire width of the board, is, you guessed it, a big billboard-advertisement for Jooky soft drinks.)
DARIA: I don't think I can handle this much adversity.
(Neer neer NEER neer neer! Neer neer NEER neer NEEEEERRRRROOWWWRROWWRROWRRRR…)
(That was Splendora's guitar, really. Now, I shall finally do commercials, woo-hoo!)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Kevin's You-Know-Who impression.)
END ACT 1.
(COMMERCIAL: Well, since I've got obviously got soda on the brain today, maybe I can make it a theme. Let's see, don't worry, C.E., I too wish incredible harm on that little Pepsi girl, or at least the ad execs who are cramming her down our throats (and maybe give Aretha forty lashes as well, for shame!). The Sprite commercials are funnier, partly unintentionally though. It's funny how they started claiming that "Image is Nothing" right when they gave the Sprite cans and bottles that flashy new design. It's also funny how they claim that "Image is Nothing" even while Grant Hill pops up occasionally (Sorry, you can't poke fun at celebrity advertising while using an actual celebrity, Sprite). And it's also funny how they claim "Image is Nothing", but have sold funky Sprite gear on these TV commercials as well. So many contradicting messages, how will I sort them all out? Well, that's why the Mute button's there…)
BEGIN ACT 2.
EXT. LAWNDALE STADIUM
(MUSIC: "Center of the Universe", Built To Spill.)
(Cut to frontal shot of Daria and Jane jogging around the track, this could probably look kind of like a blue screen shot on live-action TV. Probably impossible to animate, but hey, this is a fanfic! Jane is keeping cool for the most part, but Daria is beginning to pant.)
DARIA: I hope…(pant)…you realize…(pant)…that I'm dying.
JANE: (Nonchalant.) Yeah, it's crossed my mind.
DARIA: (Changes subject.) I only hope…(pant)…that they didn't spend all their soda money…(pant)…on that scoreboard.
JANE: I dunno, I've never seen a scoreboard with injury statistics before.
BROOKE: (Offscreen.) Hi, guys!
(Zoom out enough to reveal Brooke has suddenly appeared on Daria's left side, she is panting even harder than Daria.)
DARIA: Hi, uh…
BROOKE: (Finishing Daria's sentence.) Brooke…(pant)…(pant)…Mind…(pant)…if I…(pant)…run with you? (pant)
DARIA: Ummm, if you think…(pant)…you can keep up…(pant)…with Jane, here.
BROOKE: Oh…(pant)…no problem…(pant)…sure!
JANE: Hey look! (Points ahead of her.) You can see the team's depth charts on there! And if I knew what that meant, I'd be even more excited!
BROOKE: Yeah…(pant)…totally…(pant)…lame…(pant)…waste of…(pant)…(pant)…(pant)…(Feebly.) money…
JANE: (Still looking at the board.) Hey Daria, what do you suppose "Season Turnover Ratio" is?
DARIA: That's it…(pant)…someone's going down.
BROOKE: (pant)…(pant)…Yeah…(pant)…(pant)…(Stumbles off to the left.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, AFTERNOON.
(MUSIC: "Genie In a Bottle", Christina Aguilera.)
INT.: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM.
(The Fashion Club is spread out around the living room, obviously in the middle of a meeting. Sandi is in a chair, Quinn on a nearby couch, and Stacy and Tiffany are sitting on the floor.)
SANDI: Okay, next point of order, the new fall fashions.
STACY: Umm…didn't we already do the fall fashions?
SANDI: (Irritated.) Ex-scuse me? We have done the Indian summer fashions, the mid-fall fashions, and now that it is November, we do the new fall fashions for late fall.
STACY: Oh! Of course!
SANDI: (Authoritative.) Of course. Now, we have had some snow recently, so just in case, no one should wear white.
(Stacy gets a startled look and shifts to an Indian sitting position to hide her normal white socks.)
TIFFANY: We can't be too careful.
QUINN: Oh I don't know, it was so warm and sunny today, it was like, practically summer!
SANDI: Quinn, do I need to point you to a calendar? We are firmly in late-fall-to-possibly-early-winter territory. The leaves are down, and so we will dress accordingly. This weather shouldn't last until Friday, which is when I propose that we unveil the new lineup for late-fall. Do we have another point of order, Tiffany?
TIFFANY: Uhh…yeah. (Looks at agenda.) The new soda machines are all Jooky.
QUINN: What does that have to do with fashion?
SANDI: (Trying to be patient.) Quinn, what do we ask boys when we want them to feel like we appreciate them?
QUINN: (In her area of expertise now.) Oh! (In perfect form.) "Could you go get me a soda?"
SANDI: (Holds up a hand dismissively.) Um, not here, Quinn. And do we want to ask them to get us a soda if it's totally nasty tasting and comes in a yellow can?
SANDI: My point exactly.
QUINN: (All in one breath.) You know, that's only the regular kind, we don't drink that, you know, because it's got too much sugar. The diet kind comes in a white can, and it's got that FauxSweet stuff that causes cancer in laboratory rats, which is good, 'cause they're like pests, and they're totally uncute, and we got too many of them anyway, so like, we're doing our part for the envire-nament!
SANDI: All good points, Quinn, but Jooky is still uncute, and besides, all the hot new models endorse M. Fizzy. (Faux noble.) We can help the fashionally-challenged here at Lawndale, but we must still support the greater cause.
TIFFANY: You know who I saw in a Jooky commercial once? (Struggles with pronunciation.) Jan…eane Garo…falo. Gara…uh…ofolus. That girl with the hooded sweatshirts.
SANDI: (Small shudder.) Uhh! She reminds me of that weirdo cousin of Quinn that lives here.
DARIA: (Passing through on her way to the stairs.) Thou shalt not take my name in vain.
SANDI: (Annoyed.) Ex-scuse me, Quinn's cousin, if you're going to interrupt, could you at least speak English?
DARIA: (As she heads up the stairs.) No speakee ingles. (Exits shot.)
SANDI: What was that?
QUINN: (Nervous.) Uh, her parents were like, in Germany a lot.
SPLIT SCREEN. LEFT: DARIA'S ROOM. RIGHT: JANE'S ROOM.
(Daria and Jane are on the phone. Daria is sitting on her bed, Jane is laying on her back on her bed with her head hanging upside-down over the side.)
JANE: Soooo…out of curiosity, were you serious when you said that someone will be "going down"?
DARIA: Now Jane, you know me, I'm not the type to stir things up.
JANE: (Smirks.) Right. Seriously though, you should do some investigative work. I'll bet the teachers would be happy to know where their dry-erase marker money is really going.
DARIA: I suppose. But wouldn't that mean venturing into the Lion's Den?
JANE: You mean the men's locker room? I shouldn't think so. (Evil Jane.) Not unless you want to, of course.
DARIA: (Quickly defusing that one.) Actually, I meant the metaphorical Lion's Den. Referring to Ms. Li's office.
JANE: Well, she's probably the source. You could always catch her while she's out doing dress code reconnaissance.
DARIA: Maybe. By the way, is Brooke all right?
JANE: I dunno, I saw her last when you did. Ms. Morris whipped out her smelling salts and she was back up fairly quickly.
DARIA: Well, I'd hate to think that she over-exerted herself just to talk to us.
JANE: (Snorts amusedly.) Daria, did you, by any chance, have trouble getting your head through your bedroom door today?
DARIA: You heard her talking to us today.
JANE: Yeah, but I don't know, maybe she was just being friendly.
DARIA: Does she look at all familiar to you?
JANE: Kinda sorta. Another face in the sea of humanity in the Lawndale halls, I figure. She could be a narc.
DARIA: And that should worry me?
JANE: Wellll, if you start stockpiling M. Fizzy in your locker.
DARIA: (Sarcastic.) So they're already on to me. Hmmm…
JANE: (Hushed.) The game is afoot, Daria. You must make the next move.
DARIA: Why me, specifically?
JANE: Hey, I like big scoreboards. Maybe next they'll put hot tubs in the locker rooms. I could rejoin track.
JANE: I was kidding!
DARIA: (More silence.)
JANE: (Exasperated.) Oh, all right, I'll help you!
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, MORNING.
(MUSIC: "Green To Me", Hum.)
INT.: MR. DEMARTINO'S ROOM.
(Show class from POV of somewhere in the middle of the room, so Mr. DeMartino is easily visible. The P.A. speaker is visible in the upper-left-hand corner, emitting cartoon jagged lines. Jodie is giving the morning announcements. The students look bored, Daria is, of course, reading, Mr. DeMartino is watching the speaker impatiently.)
JODIE: (Near monotone, reading from a paper.) …And today in the cafeteria, the…taxidermy club? … will be having a bake sale…to raise money for the state…taxidermy convention in Fairfield.
(Shot of the students nearly asleep while Jodie drones on.)
JODIE: Um, rice crispy squares will be 50 cents each…brownies will be 75 cents each…
(Shot of DeMartino sitting on his stool in front of the class, his eye twitching intermittently.)
JODIE: and Barry's* mom's specialty…(pause)…venison macaroons…will be a dollar. (Sighs audibly, sound of paper rustling is heard.)
[*] Barry and the Lawndale High Taxidermy Club are the intellectual property of Kara Wild. :)
JODIE: Also, the cheerleaders are encouraging everyone to wear their blue and gold this Friday to support your Lawndale Lions in the State Championship football game.
(Shot of Brittany smiling vacantly, she gives a satisfied sort of hum-squeak.)
JODIE: And the Lawndale High Fashion Club has announced that they will be unveiling their new late-fall fashions this Friday, and will be on hand to answer questions and give tips. (Under her breath.) Good grief…
(Shot of Sandi giving the P.A. a satisfied nod. Show the class again, a couple of female classmates perk up, Andrea thumps her head down onto her desk.)
JODIE: Oh, and here with a special announcement is Principal Li!
MS. LI: (Loud.) Gooooooood morning, Lawndale High!
(This line is accompanied by a piercing feedback squeal. Mr. DeMartino cringes and his eye bulges. Cut to close-up of P.A. speaker as Ms. Li talks.)
MS. LI: This is Principal Annnngela Li, with an important announcement about the financial future of Laaaawndale High! I'd like to begin by giving a big Lawndale helloooo (More feedback.) to our generous prospective corporate sponsors, the Jooky Cola Company! The exclusivity deal is still pending, but we are sure to not only seal that deal, but also receive their one-time offer of 30 thousand dollars in the "Jooky in Education" contest!
(Cut briefly to Daria, who puts her book (Gore Vidal's Live From Golgotha) down and looks confused.)
MS. LI: In that spirit, I hereby declare the remainder of the week to be Jooky Week, here at Lawndale High! We will be taking a look at the importance of Jooky soft drinks in a variety of learning fields! And we will be giving away free Jooky cards with special discounts at local eateries and retailers in front of the school after class!
(Cut briefly to shot of the students, who are now fully awake and alert.)
MS. LI: So do what's right for Laaaawndale High and participate in Jooky Week, all this week! Back to you, Jodie!
JODIE: Uh…that's all of your morning announcements, have a great day!
(P.A. goes silent. Cut to Daria and Jane. They're staring straight ahead, clearly having trouble getting out a sarcastic remark.)
TEXAN-LOOKING KID TO THE RIGHT OF JANE: Yyyep.
INT.: CAFETERIA, NOON.
(Open with shot of double doors and students entering through the left one again. Note that the clock above the door is now a Jooky clock, meaning it is yellow with red numbers and sports a Jooky logo in the center. Daria and Jane appear in the right door as before.)
JANE: (To the students.) Hello! Other door!
DARIA: Just forget it.
(Cut to Daria and Jane at their usual table again.)
DARIA: It would appear that the game is most certainly afoot.
JANE: (Hushed tone as before.) There's not much time. Now here's what I need ya to do-
DARIA: Can it.
(Brooke suddenly enters with a lunch tray.)
BROOKE: Hi, is this seat taken?
DARIA: (Somewhat caught off-guard.) Um…no…
BROOKE: Cool! (Sits down next to Daria, forces herself into a more cool-and-collected demeanor.) So what are we talking about?
DARIA: Ummm, soda.
BROOKE: Like that Jooky crap? Yeah, I can’t believe the school has like, sold out to them!
DARIA: (Still a little uncomfortable.) It is a sad situation. (Looks at Jane.) Anyway, you think it would still be important to ask Ms. Li about the money?
JANE: Well, thirty thou is a lot of money, I'm sure they couldn't waste all of it.
DARIA: Nevertheless, our school is now branded.
JANE: Come on Daria, it's not as if this were a sacred institution to begin with.
DARIA: True, but you realize that this is just another ploy by advertisers to target young minds.
JANE: Well, they're preparing us for the real world of America in the 21st Century, and there's nothing more American than being a good consumer.
DARIA: Yes, and to know which brands you belong to.
BROOKE: ("Here, here" tone.) Totally.
DARIA: (Gives Brooke a brief sidelong glance, then turns back to Jane.) So what to do now?
JANE: Grit our teeth and bear it, I suppose. Besides, I would hope that kids aren't that susceptible to brainwashing.
(Zoom out to wider shot of the table, Kevin and Brittany walk by, in conversation.)
BRITTANY: I heard that we're going get new cheerleader outfits with like, sequins!
KEVIN: I heard that we're going to get new equipment and stuff!
(They exit screen, their voices are still heard.)
KEVIN: Jooky rules!
BRITTANY: Gooooooooooooo JOOKY!!!
DARIA: (Watches them pass, then turns to Jane.) See what happens when you use that four-letter "H" word?
BROOKE: (Confused.) Hell?
(Daria and Jane both look at her.)
BROOKE: (Feigns knowing-ness.) Oh yeah, totally.
(Daria and Jane look at each other.)
INT.: MRS. BENNETT'S ROOM.
BENNETT: Okay class, today, we're going to learn about the workings and strategies of multi-national corporations! Our model will be…(Picks up a yellow soda can from the tray of the marker-board behind her.) Jooky-Cola!
(Cut to shot of Daria, she looks up from Live From Golgotha apprehensively.)
INT.: A MATH CLASSROOM.
(Shot of Jane trying to pay attention.)
MATH TEACHER: (Who remains out of the shot to preserve the mystery :) Now to maximize profits, how many 6-packs and 12-cases should Jooky sell to the local stores?
JANE: (Drops her pencil.)
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, FRONT ENTRANCE, AFTERNON.
(Pan right past table with the Jooky logo on a poster hanging from the front. There is no soda here, but there are two men behind the table handing out yellow wallet-sized cards, and students are lined up in front of it. Follow Daria and Jane as they walk away towards home. Jane is holding one of these cards and a little fold-out brochure.)
JANE: With this here card, I can receive discounts at local eateries and retailers.
JANE: Well, let's see…(Reads.) Cluster Burger…free small softie with the purchase of a super-sized Triple Bypass combo meal with 32-ounce Jooky.
DARIA: If you can manage to lift your hand afterwards.
JANE: (Continues to read.) Jim's Paintballing Jungle…free hour of play with purchase of six-hour session and 32-ounce Jooky for everyone in your party.
DARIA: If you can stand up afterwards.
JANE: Axl's Piercing Parlor…Three holes, 32-ounce Jooky, fourth hole half price.
DARIA: Full refund if you start leaking while drinking said Jooky.
JANE: Lawndale Dentistry-
DARIA: Too easy.
JANE: Okay… The Zen…free Tequila shot with purchase of 20-ounce Jooky.
DARIA: Warning: mixture may cause dizziness, nausea, and spontaneous hair loss.
JANE: Is it normal to get a film on one's teeth by just thinking about all this Jooky?
DARIA: Last week, I would have said no.
(Daria and Jane pass by dumpster, Jane tosses the card over her shoulder into the dumpster as she passes.)
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH, NEXT MORNING.
(MUSIC: "Perfect", Smashing Pumpkins)
INT.: MRS. BARCH'S ROOM.
(Everyone has Bunsen burners and soda cans on their lab tables. Mrs. Barch is addressing the class.)
BARCH: With these procedures, we will be able to find out the sugar content of the average can of Jooky.
DARIA: (To herself.) And with any luck, we may find other chemicals in there as well.
BARCH: Girls, make sure that the men don't accidentally burn themselves! I'd hate for one of those sneaky toads to slap me with a lawsuit. (Under breath.) They control the legal system as well as the private spectrum. And the government. And the…(Cut away from her while she's ranting.)
KEVIN: (Watching his flask of Jooky boil.) Woah! When you add heat, you get even more bubbles!
BRITTANY: Goooooo JOOKY!
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, MORNING. (That's right, another day has passed.)
(MUSIC: "Perfect" again.)
INT.: MR. DEMARTINO'S ROOM.
(Same shot as before, Jodie is reading the announcements.)
JODIE: And…the Taxidermy Club reports making…fifteen dollars from the bake sale. Barry says, "Thanks." (Rustling paper.)
(Shot of class, everyone's bored as usual, Andrea is asleep and snoring audibly.)
JODIE: And Ms. Li also has an announcement.
(Close-up on P.A. speaker as Ms. Li talks.)
MS. LI: (Taps microphone, no feedback this time, so she proceeds.) Gooooood morning, Lawndale High! We hope that you have all been enjoying Jooky week, and tomorrow will be the last day! So we will be entertaining a trio of special representatives from the local branch of Jooky-Cola, and to celebrate our soon-to-be partnership, we will be taking a school picture of all of you spelling out the word "Jooky" in Lawndale Stadium during lunch! So remember to wear your yellow and red tomorrow! And since it's mandatory, you shouldn't forget very easily!
(Sudden jump-cuts first to Sandi, then to Brittany, both are looking dismayed at this turn of events.)
MS. LI: And we'll surely steal the contest from those no-spirits over in Oakdale! And we'll finally get that brand-new state-of-the-art gymnasium we've wanted for years! (Bubbling by now.) Have a great day, students, and come show support for the future of Laaaaawn-(Feedback.)-dale High!
(P.A. shuts off, cut first to Daria and Jane, who are in shock, then to Kevin.)
KEVIN: Awright! New gym! Isn't that cool, Mr. D? (Pause.) Uh, Mr. D?
(We hear a low squealing sound. Cut to Mr. D, who's sitting rigid and behind his desk. He looks very intense; one eye is bulged, one hand is raking his fingernails across the surface of the desk, producing the noise, and the other hand is slowly crushing a can of Jooky.
(Lala laLA lala laLA lala laLA laLA!)
(COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Jane tossing the Jooky Card in the dumpster.)
END ACT 2.
(COMMERCIALS: Let's see, I got one. Show some random home movie footage. Perhaps some youngsters having a barbecue. Or maybe something from a French art film from the 30s. Or maybe even some Weather Channel footage. Just hold on any section of it for thirty seconds. Then, at the end, the Levis logo appears. Or maybe the Nike swoosh. Does it really matter?
BEGIN ACT 3.
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY.
(MUSIC: "Nobody's Fault But My Own", Beck.)
(Pan across the scores of nameless extras until we see the Fashion Club in an emergency meeting.)
(Sandi is addressing them, as usual, Tiffany and Stacy look somewhat nervous, Quinn seems a little calmer.)
QUINN: Well, we might be able to find something yellow or red in our new late fashion wardrobes. I mean, she didn't say what, exactly, we had to wear that was red or yellow. I think I have a red scrunchie at home.
TIFFANY: Red would totally clash with your hair.
SANDI: Tiffany's right. (Tiffany gets a satisfied smirk.) And that's not the point, Quinn, there are, in fact, several points. One is our rule on mixing primary colors during the day. Two, is watering down our late-fall fashions with tips from the principal. And third, the fact that our title as leaders of the fashion community in Lawndale will be stripped, and we will be forced to follow all the unfashionable masses in their unfashionable yellow shirts! (Finally takes a breath.) Something must be done.
(Cut to shot of Tiffany looking a little put-off and Stacy nearly cringing from Sandi.)
TIFFANY: (Longish pause.) Totally.
(Pan across hallway to Brittany and some of her fellow cheerleaders. Brittany is near hysterics.)
BRITTANY: They can't do this, they just CAN'T! It's the State Championship, and we haven't won since Tommy Sherman, and it may never come up again and we need to wear our school colors or we'll jinx the guys, I just know it!! And they'll…mmmmmm! (Starts in on her over-the-top crying jag a la "This Year's Model.")
(One of the other cheerleaders, the one with the light blonde hair in "Daria Dance Party", maybe has a name, but who gives a crap?, puts her arm around Brittany as they walk off and exit, pan across hallway to Daria and Jane in their usual spot by their lockers.)
DARIA: Let the branding begin.
JANE: Well, I suppose there are worse things to be branded with.
DARIA: Such as a hot iron.
JANE: Yes, but think about all the wonderful things that could be done in that new gymnasium.
DARIA: (Bitter.) Like basketball. Many, many games of basketball, for the unfortunate basketball-deprived youth of Laaaaawndale High.
(Cut back to the Fashion Club, still meeting, this could be lunch time.)
QUINN: But what could we do against the principal?
SANDI: We could actively rebel. (Quick shot of Tiffany and Stacy looking on with mounting concern.) Like, make signs and uh…march down the…uh…street…and uh…lie down in front of the…uh…
STACY: (Near ballistic.) The what?
SANDI: Stacy, I am trying to think of ways to like, disobey authority!
TIFFANY: We don't know anything about that.
SANDI: (Getting impatient.) Well, who does? I mean, who do we know that can like, say things about the right stuff and make teachers and principals look like, as stupid and wrong as they are? (Frowns in concentration, then gets her "Sandi Smirk", then frowns again.) Hmm, I think I have an idea. (To herself.) If I can like, bring myself to do it…
(Cut back to Daria and Jane.)
JANE: What do you suppose they could do to us for wearing a non-Jooky-related shirt tomorrow?
DARIA: Physical branding perhaps. I suppose we could cover our faces when they take the picture, so we won't feel quite so dirty.
JANE: We could always take a stand.
DARIA: Yeah, but I just don't know if it would do any good. I mean, just the two of us.
(Sandi enters from the right, slowly. Quinn is behind her.)
SANDI: Ummmm…ah…Quinn's cousin?
QUINN: (Surprised at Sandi associating with her weirdo cousin, er, sister.) What?
DARIA: Is this a joke?
SANDI: Nooo, we, uh, the Fashion Club and I-
(Sandi looks behind her, and makes a couple annoyed "get over here" gestures. Zoom out slightly as Tiffany and Stacy shuffle into the scene, fidgeting nervously.)
SANDI: The Fashion Club and I are concerned about this whole Jooky thing.
JANE: (Folds her arms across her chest, gets amused expression on her face.) Soooo, don't want to be branded with their icky colors, huh?
SANDI: (Misses Jane's tone, of course.) Um, yeah! Anyway, I'll bet you've got like, the same problem, 'cause you're like…uh…
SANDI: (Glares at her.) No. I mean 'cause she like, doesn't like people to tell her what to do! (Turns to Daria.) Right?
DARIA: (Sarcasm.) I'm afraid you got the wrong girl.
SANDI: Oh. Uh…well…bye. (Turns to leave, then turns back.) Wait a minute! That's what I'm talking about! You're doing that thing where you say something, but you like, don't really mean it. Do you?
DARIA: (Innocent.) I don't know what you're talking about.
SANDI: (Annoyed at losing whatever tenuous control she has over the situation.) Yes you do! You're doing it again!
SANDI: (Pause.) You have like, a bad attitude, Daria.
DARIA: (Faux pleading.) Jane, make her stop.
QUINN: (Cutting in.) Um, I'm sure she doesn't want to help us, lets go and figure something else out.
SANDI: Quinn, I know what I'm doing.
JANE: And it shows.
SANDI: My point is, I'm sure we are all outraged about Jooky trying to buy our identities. So like, could you help us?
DARIA: (Innocent again.) You mean actively rebel? Against authority? Gee, I dunno…
SANDI: (Irritated.) Stop acting like that!
JANE: Hmmm… May I have a word alone with my esteemed colleague?
SANDI: Okay, but make it quick.
(Jane leads Daria back away from the Fashion Club, cut to close-up shot of them.)
JANE: (Whispers.) This could work, Daria, we've got allies now!
DARIA: Do you really think we could monkey-wrench this whole thing?
JANE: Hey, you've gotten rid of a modeling agency and a teen magazine editor, why should a cola company be any harder?
DARIA: (Begins to get her famous smirk.) I could possibly think of something.
JANE: (Friendly arm punch.) That's our girl!
(They turn back to the F.C.)
DARIA: We accept. But you must agree to follow my every word.
SANDI: (Tentative.) Uh…agreed. We're having another Fashion Club meeting at Quinn's house tonight, I trust you will be there? (Pointed glance at Daria.)
DARIA: I think so, yes.
SANDI: Come on, let's go to class.
(Sandi turns and exits to the left, looking happy to be out of the presence of the Brain and the Art Chick. Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy follow, each looking uncomfortable.)
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, 6:00.
(MUSIC: "Tipping The Lion", Melvins.)
(The F.C. is seen heading up the walkway. Cut to closer view of them.)
TIFFANY: I hope this works, Sandi.
SANDI: It will work. (Gets that fanatic glint again.) It must work.
(They ring the doorbell and Jake answers.)
JAKE: Oh, hi! (Yells up the stairs.) Quinn, your friends are here!
QUINN: (Distant voice.) Send them up here!
JAKE: Oh! Are you having your meeting in Quinn's room today?
SANDI: Um, yes. (Cold movie-villain tone.) We have some important things to discuss.
JAKE: (A little off-put.) Uhhh…sure. (He lets them in.)
(The door shuts. Hold on it.)
SANDI: (Off-screen.) (Snickers.)
TIFFANY: (Off-screen.) Uhhhh…Sandi?
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, MORNING. (It's Friday now, for those keeping track.)
(MUSIC: "Tahitian Moon", Porno For Pyros, the opening.)
INT.: A HALLWAY.
(Ms. Li is watching the students as they all walk by, heading in the same direction. All have some yellow and red on their clothes somewhere.)
MS. LI: (Checking them as they go.) Mm-hmm. Good. Good. Wait!
(She stops one kid with red-brown hair who has a light blue delivery-man shirt on. She looks closer and it has an M. Fizzy patch on the chest.)
MS. LI: March to the restroom and turn that shirt inside out right away, Michael! And I'll see you in my office later.
MICHAEL: (Under his breath as he turns toward the restroom.) Fascist.
INT.: ANOTHER HALLWAY.
(This one is mostly empty, except for Daria, Jane, and the F.C. Quinn and Tiffany look nervous, Stacy is hyperventilating. They are all dressed normally (except Daria, who has a red jacket on and a yellow shirt underneath, and Jane, who also has a yellow shirt under her typical red jacket) and haven't gotten in trouble yet, due to not having any teachers thus far who really care to enforce the rule, given where the Jooky money will be going.)
DARIA: (Addressing Tiffany and Stacy.) Okay, you all know what to do and where to go, right?
F.C.: Yeah. / Uh-huh. / (Hyperventilating.)
DARIA: (To Jane.) And your end is all set up?
BROOKE: (Off-screen.) Can I help?
(They all look over and see Brooke approaching from Daria and Jane's side.)
DARIA: (Caught off-guard, but decides to humor her in order to get her out of the way.) Uh…go with them. (Points to Tiffany and Stacy.)
(She joins Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy, they split off to the right, Sandi follows a short distance behind them, Daria and Jane go in the other direction.)
EXT.: A SET OF DOUBLE DOORS.
(MUSIC: "Tahitian Moon", first verse music.)
(The herds of students herd through, you guessed it, the left hand door again. The right door is suddenly kicked open by Jane, she and Daria head through and slip off to the right.)
EXT.: A NEARBY PART OF CAMPUS.
(Music stops. In front of a brick wall that is the back of a projecting section of the building that is short enough to have its corners in the shot, a man and a woman are setting up a table. The man has a graying beard and hair, and is wearing a white polo shirt with an as-of-yet unidentifiable logo on the chest pocket, and khaki Dockers. The woman has long blonde hair with gray streaks and is wearing an identical polo shirt and a long silk dress and jewelry similar to Ms. Defoe. In fact, if you think of them 25 years younger, you come up with, surprise! Sebastian and Serenity from C.E. Forman's "Fireworks." The man starts arranging an assortment of fruits and vegetables on the table, and the woman pins a sign to the front of the table with a large, colorful logo reminiscent of the Fruit of the Loom logo. The name on the logo (in large, vaguely hippie lettering) is "Eden Valley Refreshment." As you're wondering what's going on, we-)
CRANE SHOT: LAWNDALE STADIUM.
(Students are milling around, their positions loosely spell out the word "Jooky". The scoreboard with it's Jooky banner is very visible directly behind them. If you look closely, however, there appears to be a rolled up "something" right above it, and three thin ropes leading down from it on the sides and in the middle. Cut to shot of Ms. Li standing by the bottom of the cherry-picker that the photographer is on top of. There is a mid-forties-ish gentleman in a dark suit standing next to her, presumably the Head Jooky Guy in the situation. Ms. Li has brought a megaphone for the occasion.)
MS. LI: (Through megaphone.) Everybody in positon!
(Cut to F.C. standing behind everyone and near the scoreboard.)
(Show F.C. give nervous nods, Brooke is off to the side.)
SANDI: On three! One…two…three! (She turns and runs.)
(Show first Quinn jump up and pull on one of the aforementioned ropes, then zip-pan over to Tiffany, who does the same, then zip-pan over to Stacy, who suddenly gets elbowed out of the way by Brooke, who pulls her rope for her.)
(MUSIC: "Novocane", Beck, electric guitar section before the first verse.)
(The music starts right as we cut to wider shot as the rolled-up banner unfurls over the Jooky banner. The new banner has several yellow soda cans with huge red circle-and-slashes through them over a blue background with more red paint splattered on Jackson Pollock-style in various places for effect. A murmur rises through the crowd, and they start gravitating towards it to get a better look. The F.C. has long since beat feet to parts unknown. Cut to Brittany, standing in the crowd wearing a yellow shirt and a red skirt.)
BRITTANY: Oh boy, Lawndale colors!
(Cut to an obviously distressed Ms. Li.)
MS. LI: (Through megaphone.) Noooo! Get back in position! NOW!
(Cut to Daria and Jane (Lotta cuts, huh? Well, that's MTV for ya…) who are looking on.)
DARIA: I must say, Jane, I'm impressed.
JANE: (Proudly.) Yep. And all it took was a huge sheet of paper, a few gallons of paint, a big-ass ladder, and half of my sleeping time.
DARIA: (Looks off to the right.) Hold on, time to make good on that phony phone call. (She rushes off to the right, Jane follows.)
EXT.: SAME WALL AS BEFORE.
(Sebastian and Serenity are behind their table, watching the goings-on.)
SEBASTIAN: Man, what's going on here?
SERENITY: Yeah, Ms. Li never mentioned this. Whatever this is.
(Suddenly a man and a woman in suits come up to the table.)
SEBASTIAN: Hi there! Would you like a free sample of all-natural 100% organic Eden Valley juices?
MALE SUIT: Excuse me, I'm Tim Sanford from Jooky Cola, and I would like to know what you two are doing here.
SERENITY: (Hint of bitterness.) Just selling our wares like good little capitalists.
FEMALE SUIT: Well I'm afraid you'll have to sell your wares somewhere else, we are talking exclusivity with Lawndale High.
SEBASTIAN: What? Then why would Ms. Li have offered to set up Eden Valley vending machines here?!
SERENITY: I don't know, maybe that was before the corporate machine bought her out.
MALE SUIT: Machine? You hippies are always whining about the machine, maybe because us machine parts actually know how to make money!
SERENITY: (Stands up, walks around to the front of the table to confront the Suits, on a roll.) Sure, you know how to make money, and how to use it to extend your corrupt stranglehold over this country! And the world!
FEMALE SUIT: We're putting out our product and marketing it, just like you are! Hell, I bet you set these kids up to this! (Indicates banner.)
SERENITY: No, but I'm starting to wish we did!
SEBASTIAN: (Puts his hands on Serenity's shoulders from behind.) Mellow out, Ser, they're just trying to get to you. We don't need to fight them.
SERENITY: (To suits.) Fine! Continue your brainwashing, then! We'll just honestly sell our product over here, and maybe the students will decide for themselves!
MALE SUIT: (Snorts.) Yeah, maybe.
(They turn away. Cut to Daria looking around the left corner, then Sandi looking around the right corner. Cut to wide shot as Daria hurls a tomato purloined from the table at Serenity and Sandi hurls her own tomato at the male Suit. Naturally, they both hit their respective targets right below the base of the neck. Serenity and the male suit turn back at each other and glare.)
MALE SUIT: Pinko BRAT!
SERENITY: Corporate PIG!
(The male suit grabs another tomato and chucks it right at Serenity, hitting her smack in the face.)
SEBASTIAN: Hey, leave her alone, you fascist!
(MUSIC: "Dragula", Rob Zombie, begins playing soft underneath the scene, fades in louder as the fight progresses.)
(He grabs a head of lettuce and pitches it at the male Suit, who dodges, and naturally, it hits the female Suit. The female Suit, enraged, hefts the small pumpkin from the table and hurls it at Sebastian. It hits Serenity, as Sebastian and the male suit are now busy duking it out. Serenity runs over and begins grabbing at the female suit's hair (Think "Jerry Springer" w/o the security guards for this whole scene.). Cut to the students, one of them points and yells, and of course, nothing attracts the attention of high-schoolers like a fight. They all form a circle around the grappling hippies and suits, there are splattered fruits and vegetables on the ground now. The students begin cheering, some for the suits, some for the hippies. Cut back to Ms. Li, who is looking on in horror and shouting futilely into her megaphone.)
MS. LI: NOO! Get back in position!! There will be detention for all of you!! ALL OF YOU!! (Turns to Head Jooky Guy, talks through her megaphone at him.) There will be- (Lowers megaphone sheepishly.) There will be detention for all of them.
HJG: All fifteen hundred? How do you expect to pull that?!
MS. LI: (Frantic.) I don't know, but it will happen!
HJG: Look, Ms. Li, I'm really starting to think that this school would be a bad investment for Jooky.
MS. LI: What?! No! It's a perfect investment!
HJG: Really, we don't want to spend money on advertising and vending machines just to have these kids turn around and boycott them!
MS. LI: They wouldn't boycott! I'll make it a rule! They will all purchase at the minimum one can…no, two cans of Jooky daily! Or else…
HJG: So long, Ms. Li, let me round up my, ahem, subordinates and we'll be taking our (Lifts his briefcase to emphasize his words.) business elsewhere.
MS. LI: NO! You can't do this!!
HJG: Watch me. (He walks off towards the crowd.)
MS. LI: ERRRRRRRRGGGGG!!!!
CROWD VOICE: Heads up, Ms. Li!
(She turns to the crowd, then-)
POV: MS. LI.
(A tomato has been hurled at her, it suddenly hits the screen with a splat! Screen goes red, then fades to pink as the letters "THE FOLLOWING WEEK…" appear in Daria-script lettering.)
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH CLASSROOM, AFTERNOON.
(Specifically, a close-up of a Jooky clock. There are two human hands taking it off the wall. Cut to a shot of a wastebasket, as the two hands drop the clock in. Zoom out to reveal Mr. DeMartino, chuckling to himself.)
INT.: A HALLWAY.
(Daria and Jane are walking by on their way to P.E.)
JANE: Step aside all, the heroes are coming through!
DARIA: Um, I'm not sure all of them will appreciate what we've done.
JANE: Ah, screw them. We'll have our moment in the sun by ourselves.
(They pass by Ms. Li, who is still seething.)
MS. LI: (To herself.) This is a dark day for Laaaawndale High.
(Cut to shot of Brooke, who is walking down the hall. Under her baggy flannel shirt is a blue M. Fizzy T-shirt.)
MS. LI: (Sees her, adopts mocking tone.) We want our M. Fizzy! We want our wonderful soda! (Shouts right in Brooke's face, for no reason other than to vent.) Forget the glory and honor of our high school, we only care about what soda we drink!
BROOKE: (Distressed.) What? Huh?
MS. LI: (On a rant.) It's people like you who make our nation's schools laughingstocks!
BROOKE: (Very distressed.) But! Buh…I didn't…I mean…it wasn't…Daria…yeah…it was Daria's idea! I was just following orders! (Tears begin to flow.) Plee-hee-hee-heese don't tell my parents!
MS. LI: (Ignoring her.) Daria, huh? (Under her breath.) I should have known… (Turns to Brooke.) Allllllright, I'll let you off this time, but don't ever push me ever again! (Storms off, leaving Brooke hyperventilating.)
INT. GYMNASIUM. (Which is a perfectly fine and functioning gym, by the way.)
(Show a girl in a P.E. uniform with a basketball pivoting around her defender. She chest-passes it out of the camera range. Cut to Daria, standing in the corner of the court. The ball bounces past her to her right. She extends a hand in that direction, disaffected.)
MS. LI: (Over P.A., singsong, much feedback.) Daria Mooooorgendorfferrrr! Come see me in my office, ASAP! (P.A. goes dead.)
JANE: (Enters from right.) Uh-oh, looks like the jig is up. Off to the Lion's Den. The bad one.
DARIA: (Flatly.) Yes. It appears so. (Faux dramatic.) Just promise that you will martyr me, pupil Lane.
(She strides off to the left. Jane watches her for about three seconds, then-)
JANE: Oh, all right, I'll come with you! (She follows.)
INT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE.
(Ms. Li is glowering over her desk. Suddenly, her secretary speaks through the intercom.)
SECRETARY: Ms. Li? You have a phone call about the Jooky incident.
MS. LI: (Puts a hand over her face.) If it's another stupid reporter… (Picks up phone, presses lighted button.) Principal Annnngela Li, speaking.
PHONE VOICE: Hello, Ms. Li? I've been watching the news, and I love the way your kids socked it to those Jooky guys!
MS. LI: What? That was a fluke, you hear me?!
PHONE VOICE: Woah woah woah! Don't be so modest! I think your school would be a great investment for us! Say maybe…a forty thousand dollar investment?
MS. LI: (Still suspicious.) Who is this?
PHONE VOICE: This is Ted Petersen. I represent the local branch of the Millennial Fizzy company. Let's talk about a private deal, shall we.
MS. LI: (Smirks.) We certainly shall…
EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH, AFTERNOON.
(The end-of-the-day bell rings.)
(Show Daria and Jane in plainclothes, walking down the hall from their lockers with their backpacks on.)
JANE: Let's go over this once more.
DARIA: (Sighs.) Fine. For the fifth time, Ms. Li called me, or us, into her office. She looked somewhat surprised to see us, then went into an obviously ad-libbed commendation of my academic achievements here at Laaaawndale High. She was even more surprised to see you, and went off on an even more obviously ad-libbed commendation of your artistic skills.
JANE: Odd. Well, at least we got out alive.
EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH, FRONT DOORS.
(Daria and Jane exit one last time through the right-hand door.)
DARIA: Hey, look at that!
(She points to the right, zip-pan over to a man driving a forklift towing a Jooky machine towards an unmarked truck. Zip-pan back.)
JANE: Yeah, and look at that!
(She points to the left. There is an M. Fizzy truck over there, and several men are hauling an M. Fizzy machine out of the back. Zip-pan back to Daria and Jane, who exchange quizzical looks.)
(MUSIC: "Coca-Cola and the Armageddon", Clutch.)
(Squash to split-screen with Daria on the left. Roll credits…)
END NOTES: As absurd as this Jooky situation may sound, it is actually based on the true story of Greenbriar High (Evans, Georgia) and their "Coke Day." They were competing with area schools for a $500 prize (and a shot at a $10,000 national prize) for the most creative way of distributing Coke Cards. They went all-out, and incorporated Coke into their curriculum for the day, and brought in some execs from the nearby Coca-Cola world headquarters in Atlanta. During the picture in which red-and-white clad students formed the word "Coke" on the football field, two seniors were suspended for wearing Pepsi shirts (delivery man shirts, no less, with inch-high Pepsi logos). One of them, Michael Cameron, went on local radio shows to tell his plight, and ended up receiving national attention, making the Greenbriar High Principal a pariah. Note Mike Cameron's cameo appearance in Act 3. For more info on this farcical incident, just type in the keywords "Mike Cameron Coke" into any internet search engine, and you are sure to receive more articles than you will ever need.
I used fictional pop names to avoid any accusations of favoritism. Personally, I prefer Coke, but I've never really compared it to Pepsi. There's probably very little actual difference between them, and people's loyalty towards one or the other (which sometimes even puts those Ford or Chevy wackos to shame), is probably psychological. But that's just a theory.
The plot to get a new gym is based on the new gym frenzy that gripped Boise area schools some years back. My alma mater, Borah High, decided that their gym was old and didn't hold enough people, so they built a new one in a separate building. The new one is nice, but it doesn't have much more seating than the old one, and it has no locker rooms (As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up). Well, soon Capital High decided they needed a new gym, even though their existing gym was just fine, and by now, nearly every school in the Treasure Valley has two gyms. Of course, all the rest of Idaho's high schools in those inferior rural areas have to deal with the heartbreak of only having one.
The title is a play on "The Choice of a New Generation", which aside from being M. Fizzy's apparent slogan, was also Pepsi's slogan in the late 80s and early 90s. I seem to remember them having that slogan for quite a while (hopefully they don't still have it trademarked, hee hee), as opposed to nowadays, where Pepsi changes it every two weeks, and it gets stupider every time ("Joy of Cola"? What the hell is that?!).
As for Brooke, her inclusion is the story was intended to provide a sort of side-plot, and was inspired by Austin Covello's "Whigger" post on the DFF message board, which evolved into a general hanger-on character idea for me. I think that during junior high and high school, just about everybody-even supposed outcasts-has at least one person who acts like they're best friends with you, even though you really don't give a rat's ass about them. I had one, I will refrain from naming him here…
Brooke has been in a surprising number of fanfics, in light of her one-shot appearance on the actual show. I took a different approach to her, thinking that maybe after her nose-job collapse, she rejected the hollow fashion ideals and tried to gain new friends, while remaining clueless. I may or may not follow up on her, hee hee.
The "Double Door" running gag is based on actual observation through years in junior high, high school, and even college. The other running gags were pretty much just my own laziness. :)
I think this fic came out pretty good, although I kind of forced it. I'm not really a fountainhead of ideas like certain other authors (wink), so this one progressed fairly slowly until Act 3. I think I'll crawl back into my hole for a few months now… ;)
Well, that's it, ladies and gentlemen, my first "straight" Daria fic (and by far my longest postscript to date). No bizarre mythos, no craziness (well, maybe a little craziness), and I even typed it in script. Please send all questions, comments, et cetera, ad infinitum, firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you, and good night.