Baby Lane
M. Bruner
Note: Jane and Daria are now 19, Tom is 20 and Trent is 23.

-Scene: Daria's bedroom-
Daria got up a wiped the sleep from her eyes. It had been a very long night.
The Mystik Spiral concert…The Party at Max’s house. She only had 4 hours of
sleep. But now it was time for school.

She stood and stretched. Then she walked over to her closet. Upon close
inspection, Daria realized a new poem she hadn’t seen before. It read:

Death is cool.
Suicide is fun.
Try it.

It gave her an insperation. If death was all so cool, why didn’t she give it
a whirl? "Oh well. Maybe Later." She thought. Then, peering into her closet,
she mentally accounted for all her clothes. Besides her regular outfit, and
her Alternapalooza outfit, She had a black strapless shirt, a Jane outfit
(Christmas present from about 6 months ago. Daria had given her one of hers
too.) Also a Mystik Spiral shirt from The Zen, and some black pants. On a
sense she pulled out the green jacket and the rest of her outfit. Then she
put it back and took out the Mystik Spiral shirt and the black pants. She
got dressed and she drove her new Everest Jetta (1) to Jane’s house. She got
up and rang the doorbell.

-Scene: Jane's door-
"Yeah? Oh, um, Trent I think your groupie is here." Jane said sleepily.

"Nah. I’m actually Amanda’s groupie." Daria sighed. "Look, Jane its me. We
have school today."

"Oh yeah, um, about that. My grandpa was, um, killed so I’m not going to
school today." Jane said quietly.

"Oh my gosh Jane! Why didn’t you call me?" Daria asked.

"Well, um, my grandma is here and she is pretty upset so…"

"Say no more Jane. I’m staying home with you."

"Janey, Grandma wants to see you." It was Trent. "Oh. Hello Daria."

Daria blushed slightly.

"Listen, I’m sorry about your grandpa." Daria said.

"That’s OK. We never really knew him anyway. When they said he was dead I
was like ‘who?’"

Daria half-laughed at this. "So what happened? Jane said he was killed."

"Oh. Yeah. That. He was shot." Trent said.

The whole thing scared and bewildered Daria. ‘How could anyone do that to
Jane or Trent?’ Daria thought. ‘Stop it, Dar; you know he doesn’t like you
for you and he’s too old for you anyway.’

"Daria? You Okay?" Trent asked.

"No- I mean yes, yeah, everything is fine." Daria stuttered.

Trent raised an eyebrow.

*Commercial break*
(Lalalala…Showing Daria reading the new poem.)

Opening Scene: Red background with Jane painting on it in black. It says one
year later. When she notices that we are watching, She drops her paintbrush
and runs off screen.

-Scene: walking in the park-
"So Jane, When is that murderer getting sentenced?" Daria asked.

"Ray Warren Harold? He was sentenced a month ago. You didn’t know that?
Eighty-five years." Jane asked.

"That’s good." Daria said.

"Hey Jane." It was Tom.

"Hey Babe." Jane said running up to him and kissing him.

Daria sighed. Jane and Tom looked so perfect together. Daria half-winced at
the thought of them being married now for three months. But they seemed
happy and that was OK. Plus Tom was a nice guy. He even let Jane keep her
name and changed his to Thomas Lane. Every time someone said Jane Lane, he
would laugh. It was actually a funny name.

"Gotta run. See the Lanes later!" Daria said as she walked away.

Fade in to Daria lying on her bed. The phone rings.

"Hallo??" Quinn answered in a voice that would kill a diabetic. "Oh it’s for
you Daria… It’s Tom. Pick it up so I can go wash out my phone."

"Got it." Daria said. "Hey Tom." Daria noticed his voice was a little shaky

T: Hey Daria.
D: Hi. Um, are you feeling O.K.?
T: Yeah, it’s not me. It’s Jane.

A formerly laying down Daria shot up.

D: Is she ok?
T: Yeah, um she’s fine, but she is um…
D: What?

We hear Tom saying something on the phone. Fade out to Daria faced it goes
white and She drops the phone.

D: Are you sure?
T: Yeah. Anyway we were thinking of going out tonight to celebrate…
D: What time will you pick me up?
T: 7?
D: Got it.
T: And Daria, don't tell anyone. Later.
D: See Ya.

Now, Daria was very confused. After thinking about it awhile, Daria's eyes
stumbled on the clock. 6:37!! She shot up and ran to her closet. She opened
it and found nothing suitable for such an occasion. So, reluctantly she went
to Quinn's room. Thank the lord she wasn't there. She opened Quinn's closet
and found a halter top and a short skirt with colors that looked like Jane
had painted it. It was O.K. So quickly, she showered and put in on. Then she
walked downstairs. As soon as she hit the bottom stair, she heard Jane's
Jeep honk. She ran out to the sporty chocolate jeep (2). Jane was wearing a
brown slipdress. Daria had to admit that Jane had a great figure. No wonder
Tom liked her so much. Anyway, Daria jumped in and hugged Jane. Jane was
smiling and staring at Tom. Daria remembered all the crap she had given to
such a good couple. Maybe she was just jealous.

"Where's Trent?" Daria asked.

"Um, well, he's kinda of mad at us. He always wanted to be the first to have
kids." Jane said wearily.

"Oh no, don't start up your yenta act Janey-O. You know we broke up at your
wedding." Daria threatened.

"I know. But it's a bummer. You too were a good couple. Why did you break up
anyway?" Jane asked.

"He asked me to marry him on your wedding day. We were only together a
month. Also he was scary when he was drunk. He would try to get me to-you
know- with him, and when I would say no, he'd give me a beer and tell me to
drink it because I'd feel differently afterward." Daria said morosely.

"Well, did you ever-" Jane asked.

"Yes, once. And afterward, he claimed that I wanted to." Daria interrupted.
"You know I can't say no to your brother when we're in a private place. I
public, I'm fine (3)."

They finally arrived at mount Everest café. It's a rundown cabin. Music:
Another dumb blonde/ Hoku. After ordering they started up a conversation.

"I love this song." Daria said.

"So, what do you think girl namewise? What do you like, Daria?" Jane asked.

"Um, Actually, I've always been partial to Erika." Daria told the two.

"Erika. I like that." Said Tom.

"What about middle names? What's your thoughts on them?" asked Jane.

"Actually, in literature, Middle names are a fictional character. I read
that in
a parenting book Helen had. But god knows you don't read books, so I
researched it, and Desdemonda sounds fitting."

"Erika Desdemonda (4) Lane. You better like it, 'cause you’re her godmother.
I like it. Sounds good." Jane told Daria.

"Jane, I still can't believe you're pregnant! It's so great."

"Desdemonda. Cool." Said someone offscreen.

"Trent? What the hell do you want? This is supposed to be a happy occasion."
Daria said, seething.

"I'm gonna be an uncle, I have a right to be here." Trent said, not looking
at Daria.

"Fine. I gotta go. Bye Janey, Young Thomas (5), everyone ELSE." Daria said,
deadpan.

-Storms out-

-Fade to scene: Daria at her black iMAC-
She types:
Dear Computer,
I am so worried about Jane. She's 10 months pregnant. The doctors want to
induce labor. She hasn't gained very much weight. Tom's worried too. I hope
everything goes okay for them. Jane's my best friend, and Tom's my second
best. If anything happened to them, I would commit suicide.
-D

Daria looks at the screen and we see a single tear as she turns off the
computer.
-Scene: that night at the hospital. Waiting room with Daria and Tom. -
~ Awkward silence ~
A young brunette nurse came out, holding a pink blanket. We can recognize
her as Sandi Griffin. Tom shot up to see her. Daria stood slowly and walked
over, putting an arm around Tom.

"Um, so, like, do you wanna take her sometime or like what?" Sandi asked.

"Daria, get Erika for me." Tom said.

"But, Tom, she's your daughter. So you get her." Daria reasoned.

"Nah, go ahead." Tom insisted.

Sandi cleared her throat pointedly. Then she thrust the baby at Daria.
"Just take her, Quinn's cousin or whatever." She said rather loudly. Then
she stormed out.
We are in Daria's POV. They tiny baby has black hair. She also has a
complete deadpan expression. Tom and Daria, still holding Erika, walked into
Jane's room. Jane is out of her bed, wearing her regular outfit.

"Let's go!" Jane said, suprisingly peppy for someone who just gave birth.

"Um, Jane, you have to stay here for a few days." Tom told her.

A sad Jane looked desperately at he best friend of 3 years, begging for
Daria to say they could go.

"Jane, look, I'm sorry about this, but it's only a few days, and me and Tom
will stay with you." Daria said unhappily.

"Tom and I" Jane corrected, smiling.

Daria felt a little relieved. Jane was smiling, which was a good sign. She
looked down at Erika, who was still deadpan.

"Daria, she looks like-" Jane said excitedly.

"Me." Daria finished Jane's sentence.

Then Erika, making her first sudden move of her life, grabbed Daria's
glasses and put them on herself.

Tom snickered. The baby looked like Daria with a pulse shave of black hair
(6).

"Daria, I think you just made another friend." Jane told her friend.

"I have to learn to stop endearing myself to everyone…" Daria said.

-Fade out to Daria at her iMAC again-

Dear Computer,
Everything went fine with Jane, I'm glad to say. Erika is doing great and
she is gonna be six months soon. Trent is his normal mean self. He's with a
blonde girl named Addie, who does everything he wants to him. Hmm… I wonder
how much she charges... Anyway there is a new guy in my life too. His name
is Seth. We have been going out for awhile. Wanna see?

-She pulls out a small picture of a guy that semi-resembles Adam Sandler
(7). -

(Continues typing.) Why am I showing a computer a picture? I don't know. Why
am I asking a computer a question? Ok. I am convincing myself that I am
weird beyond belief.

Ok so anyway Seth is really nice. He might be THE ONE, computer. I mean, we
have been going out since Erika was born. I met him in the hospital,
actually. His mom had been diagnosed with -ugh- breast cancer. But his
family is so rich. They are almost millionaires. If I got together with him
I could have my own cartoon even. The strange thing is, he isn't pushy or
sex-crazed like most guys. I'm always the one to kiss first. Oh, we have
kissed. Come to think of it, he has only started one kiss that was on my
21st birthday last month. I hope I'm not moving to fast for him. To quote
Brittany… Eep.
-D
(She shuts of the computer and picks up Seth's picture. Putting it in a
picture frame that is bordered with hearts (8). )

"Just as important as circulation." Daria said as she turned off her light
and fell asleep.
(Scene: Daria's house. Doorbell rings. Helen answers.)
"Quinn? Your date is here!" Helen yells upstairs.

"No, sounds like a nice lady, but I'll have to decline. I'm here for Daria."
Seth said.

(Daria appears from behind.)

"Seth?" Daria asks.

"Over here. See ya." Seth said to Helen as he grabs Daria's hand.

(They walk over to Seth's car, a Champagne Caravan, with removable seats, a
TV, CD Player, the whole deal.)
(Seth opens the back door and after Daria enters, he gets in the same door.)

D: Listen Seth, I'm sorry for all those times I- we kissed. It should have
been a mutual thing, not a
sarcastic-girl-who-is-jealous-of-her-married-friend-thing.
S: its O.K. Trust me. I enjoyed it.
D: That's what I love about you Seth. You have your ideas and yet you're
willing to help me. It means a lot to me.
S: I love you too, Daria.

(We can see how they are seated. They are on a double seat. Seth is sitting
normally; Daria has her legs on top of the seat, kind of squatting. Her head
is in Seth's left shoulder.)

D: Um, Seth?
S: I didn't do it.
D: -laughs- No I mean, lately I have felt really lonely and unloved. I don't
know why. I've been taking three different anti-depressants. I still- I
just- I don't know. It feels like something is missing.
S: I think it's this. (He pulls Daria close and kisses her.)
D: I think so too.

(Scene: Daria walking back into the house. She looks a bit 'flustered'. She
runs up to her room.)

(As she slams her door)
"I can't believe I just did that." Daria said to herself.

(Split screen with Jane who is holding Erika)

J: So you guys just up and did it on a whim?
D: Not exactly.
J: Huh?
D: Well, for one thing, we didn't 'do it'. We just fooled around. You know
me Jane. My life is a PG-13 movie (9).
J: You are a sly one. Daria, this baby acts more and more like you every
day.
D: How so?
J: She hasn't cried once.
D: She is SO wrong. Yeah.
J: She only knows one word. Say it Erika.
E: Sin- ick- kol.
D: Cynical? Where'd she pick that up?
J: No clue. Listen Daria, Duty calls. Gotta go. Later.
D: Bye Jane.

No sooner does Daria hang up then the phone rings again.

D: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club. John Speaking.
Seth: Hey, sweets.
D: Seth?
S: Yep.
D: How's it going?
S: Pretty good. I called to ask if you wanted to come over to my house and
hang out.
D: In your room?
S: Where ever, baby.
D: I'll be over in a sec.
S: No.
D: No?
S: See ya in a sec.

Daria had to get dressed in something besides her regular outfit. She had a
few new garments. She chose a dew colored tank that showed her midriff (10).
She found some tight black pants and chocolate workboots. Then in a quick
sweep she brushed most of her hair into a tight ponytail. Only a small
strand hung to the left of her face. She curled it. Then staring into the
mirror, She took off her glasses and put in her contacts.

(As she gets in the passenger seat of the caravan, she kisses Seth. As soon
as he backs out, they start talking.)

S: You're dressed up.
D: Really.
S: (Laughs) This little misery chick has a sense of humor. Um, Daria I'm
leaving you.
D: Why? What'd I do?
S: Had you there for a second.
D: You can have me for even longer, if you want (11).
S: I'll take you up on that offer.

(They arrive at Seth's house. His house is almost in it's own city. Fade to
his room, which has nothing on the sky blue walls. A single picture of Daria
is taped to his low ceiling. There are two beds set right next to each other
(12).)

D: I like your décor.
S: Really I was thinking it was too pretty.
D: Flattery will get you no place.
S: Want to withdraw that last comment?
D: Why would I have said it if- nevermind. Can I get a drink from your
little refrigerator?
S: What's mine is yours.
D: Cool. Same goes for you and it especially applies to my sister Quinn.
Want one?
S: Sure.
D: (Takes out two pre-made Shirley Temples.) Here.
S: Thanks.
D: (Sits on a folded up Futon) So what do you do for fun around here?
S: I'll give you two guesses.
D: (Giggles) I hope you rot in hell for toying with my emotions.
S: Anything to be nearer to you.
D: (Stands up and walks to the bed. She lies down and looks at her picture
on the ceiling.) Hmmm. Not one of my best pictures.
S: Like you could have a bad picture.
D: Like the sun will rise tomorrow morning.
S: Have you ever met my family?
D: No.
S: Fair Enough. Do you want to?
D: Um, okay.

(They walk down a hallway. They come to a door with a sign that read 'Come
on in!' with a smiling cowboy. There is a boy about 8 inside, watching
Pokemon.)

D: Oh, god.
S: Trevor [V], meet Daria. Daria, Trevor.
V: Hi Dar- Der- Dir- Dar D-
D: That's O.K. little dude, it's better than what some people used to call
me.

(Fade into memory sequence: Beavis and Butt-head shouting 'Diarrhea
Cha-cha-cha' over and over. Daria shudders as she wakes up. Fade back to
Trevor's room.)

S: You okay?
D: Fine, great never better. No offense Trevor, but we're going elsewhere.
T: Okay. Bye, Da- De-, okay bye!

(They leave and walk to a door with a picture of 2gether on the front.)

S: Um, Seleda {we'll call her X}? Can we come in?
X: Hey brother how's it going?
S: Well other than I've found the perfect girl, got a 4.29 GPA and am still
living, life is O.K.
X: Oh brother, I've missed you so. Come in.

(They walk in; it's a lushly decorated room, filled to the brims with
2gether pictures, especially of Q.T. (13). The girl is about 5". Her blonde
hair is in a high ponytail. She kind of resembles Brittany, but not that
much.)

X: Hi Seth! Hey Daria!
S: You know Daria?
X: Oh my gosh, yes. Our other sister, you know Miss high and mighty goth
talks of her all the time.
D: Um, hello to you too.
S: In a couple of years, Daria might be in our family. (Daria blushes at
this.)
X: Oh, really? That's nice of her. But um won't our other sister be a bit
rubbed?
D: Who is this other sister?
S: C'mon, I'll introduce you.

(They exit and enter a room with a large black door.)

D: Um…
S: It's okay, trust me.
I: {intercom} Get that tramp away from my room.
S: Cheery day Monique. You should come outside and see it.
I: Go to hell.
S: I've heard that before somewhere.
I: Get Daria out of this house, she'll seduce you into something worse than
you are now.
D: Alright now everyone loves me.
(She storms out and to Jane's former house, which is across the street.)

(Inside lives Amanda [A], Dad (I forget his name), Adrian [R], Courtney [C]
and Trent [F].)

D: Hello?
A: Oh hello, sweetie. How are you?
C: Adrian! Daria is here!
R: (Trying to sound like daria) Ok. Whatever.
D: I'm ok. How is everyone?
A: Dad is great. Adrian has been trying to act like you ever since Jane
left. Courtney has been taking dance lessons. Trent, um- Well I'm okay too.
F: Daria!
D: Trent.
R: Trent.
F: Come up to my room, Daria. (Daria gave a skeptical look but follows
anyway.)

(Scene: Trent's Room. Both are sitting on Trent's bed. Trent has Daria's
hands in his.)

F: I'm sorry, Daria. I've been really weird lately. When the Spiral made it
big, I lost everything close to me, including you. I realized, you don't
have to be married to be in a good band or anything. When Jesse married
Jamie Gordon, you know the girl with chalky hair, I was really lonely. When
Max married Annette, there goes that friend. Nicky overdrank last week and
died. Jane is married with kids. Face it. I had no friends when I lost you.
D: Trent, I…
F: It's okay daria, I know you don't feel the same ways but maybe we could
just be friends.
D: But Trent, I do feel the same way about you.
F: You do?
D: That's my final answer.
F: Great Daria! So do you want to stay here tonight?
D: That would be great.

(Fade to Daria in Trent's room. She looks at the clock; it reads 4:51. Then
she looks at the phone.)
D: Ring dammit. I know you will. Sometime soon. Just stop with the suspense.
-Phone rings-
D: Quack yourself. (Picks up the phone) Hi.
J: Daria? What are you doing at my house?
D: Jane?
J: Um, yeah. Listen Daria I was hoping I could talk to you sometime soon.
I'm pregnant again.
D: Again? Isn't Erika enough for you?
J: Yeah, but I'm against abortion.
D: Jane, I am looking to adopt.
J: You? I thought you hated kids.
D: I want a child, but I don't want to go through birth (14).
J: Great. Well listen, Dar, I gotta go. I'll letcha know when it's due.
D: Bye Jane.

(Trent stirs and wakes.)
F: Daria?
D: (gasps) yeah?
F: Are you okay?
D: Fine. We are going to have a child in nine months, Trentie.
F: Huh?
D: Your sister is pregnant again and I offered to adopt him or her.
F: That's great Daria, but um, shouldn't parents be married?
D: Yes Trent.
F: I love you Daria. Come with me.
(Fade out to a small river just outside Lawndale.)
F: This is 'Trent Queen'. You probably know that Trent is a flowing river
and Daria is a queen. I picked this spot to ask you something.
D: Yes?
F: (Takes a small box out of his pocket) Daria, my queen, will you marry me?

The end

Endnotes:

1. I love Jetta's and Everest seems like a daria color. (Everest- Daria?
-Nah)
2. Jeep's are SO Jane!!
3. Thanx to Michelle Klein-Hass for this inverted quote from Muerta Las
Vegas.
4. Erika Desdemonda Chasey is the name of the main character in my book.
5. I forget which episode this is from, but I love that nickname!
6. Pulse shave is a really close shaved hairstyle. Anyway I hope you know
what a baby's hair looks like!
7. Adam Sandler… sigh…
8. Heart like in your body. You think Daria would have little girlie hearts?
9. Thanx to hypergirlh for this quote.
10.  Like what Britney Spears wears in her (You Drive Me) Crazy video.
11.  Quote from Austin Powers.
12.  This is my friend Braca's room. Only in her case, the Daria picture is
Lance Bass of *//\\//SYNC.
13.  Q.T…. Sigh….
14. My motto on childbirth.

(Mail me at JaneLane@artlover.com with questions, comments, anything. Or IM
me at GidgetG345)