A VERY CYNICAL CHRISTMAS
Uncut with Alternate Ending
SCENE ONE: MR O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM
(The class is over decorated for Christmas.)
O'NEILL: With only three minutes of the school year left, why don't we sing a special Christmas song?
KEVIN: I know! A hundred bottles of egg nog on the wall, a hundred bottles of egg nog...
O'NEILL: Oh, darn it.
(The bell rings.)
O'NEILL: Class dismissed.
(The class whoop and run out. Daria and Jane walk out at their own pace.)
DARIA: I hate the way it's been over commercialised. Even TV shows have their own crappy holiday specials.
JANE: Bah humbug. So, going out to egg Brittany's house tonight?
JANE: What is it with you and Christmas?
DARIA: Exactly! It is Christmas. I really want to spend time with my family.
JANE (shocked): Daria? Have you hit your head or something? Call an ambulance!
DARIA: Isn't Christmas about spending time with your family, no matter how dumb they may be?
ANDREA: No, it's about defacing public property.
DARIA (angrily): Look. I don't care what you are going to do tonight, just leave me out of it.
(Daria storms off.)
SCENE TWO: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
(Only Helen is in the room. She is getting ready to leave. Daria walks in.)
HELEN: Oh, Daria. I'm going Christmas shopping at the Mall of the Millennium.
DARIA: The Mall of the Millennium?
HELEN: And you're coming with me.
SCENE THREE: THE CAR
(Helen and Daria are on their way.)
HELEN: Okay, don't worry. Everybody has probably already done their Christmas- oh no!
(Helen catches a glimpse of the Mall. The car park is packed.)
DARIA: Maybe we ought to park here and catch a bus.
SCENE THREE: MALL
(Daria and Helen are very, very tired. They have obviously parked their car far away and walked to the mall.)
HELEN: We're... (puff)... here.
DARIA: My sarcasm knows no limits.
SCENE FOUR: INSIDE THE MALL
(Helen and Daria are inside the mall.)
HELEN: What first? Okay, I think we can get something CHEAP for Rita.
DARIA: You really love your sisters, don't you?
SCENE FIVE: SUPERMARKET
(Helen and Daria are in line. There is an obviously inexperienced boy at the counter.)
HELEN: Hello, bag boy.
(The bag boy puts everything in a bag. We hear some glass breaking.)
(Helen makes a slightly miffed face while Daria stands in front of her abd smirks.)
SCENE SIX: THE CAR
HELEN: I am never going back there again!
DARIA: Thank God.
(The car phone rings.)
HELEN: Hello? Oh hiiii, Eric! We're on our way back from the Mall of the Millennium... talk about inexperience!
Written December 4, 2001
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