A Fate Worse Than Li By Queen Jossie 4/5/00 This is my first attempt at prose writing, so don't bite too much of my head off telling me what is wrong. ---------------A Fate Worse Than Li---------------------------------- Daria sat back in her chair and saved the story on her computer. "There," she replied, "It's finally done. No more 'maters anymore." She pulled out the disk and turned off the computer. "It had all been a terrible, terrible dream." She looked back on the past week's events with a smile. "No more of the mystery cake," she said. "Luckily I didn't end up in the hospital...again." She got up and called Jane. This was their last day of winter break and both were anxious to have a new principal. "Yo!" a familiar voice procaimed. "Hey," Daria replied, toying with the phone cord. "Any plans for our last day of sanity? "None in particular. There is a sale at Food Lord." "Mmmmm....fruitcake!" Jane grinned evilly. "I never did get to finish that picture." The phone beeps. "Jane, hold on. Hello?" "Daria? I need your help!" "I don't think MY help would do any good. Maybe that of a good psychotherapist..." "Ha ha Daria." Quinn calmly joked. "Don't make me get out the gun." "Easy there, trigger. What do you need?" "Sandi left me at the mall, the 3 J's aren't home, and I need a ride." "I bet Upchuck is free." "Come on Daria. We're sisters, even in public." With a sigh, "Fine. I'll be over in a while." "Hurry. My old boss is looking at me funny." "Bye." Daria clicks the receiver. "Jane?" "Daria?" She'll never give up, Daria thought. "Hi Trent, where'd Jane go?" "She went for a run to Food Lord. She said something about fruitcake." "Okay. I'll bring her home with 10 pounds of fruitcake." "Cool. (beat) Um, Daria?" "Yes???" Daria replied. "We're cool, right?" "Sure," she lied, "we're just fine." "Great," he lied, "I'll see you then. Bye." "Bye." Daria hung up the phone and grabbed her jacket. She walked downstairs and left a note on the fridge. "Mom and Dad, Went to pick up Quinn and Jane. Be back soon. If not home by 5:00, assume that the aliens wanted me after all. Daria" Picking up the keys, she strolled out the door and to the Lexus. Calmly she started the car and drove off. After a while Daria caught up with Jane and gave her a ride. "Thanks," Jane huffed, catching her breath. "Yup. I gotta pick up Quinn. Turns out the Fashion Mob left her all alone." "So they're finally coming to their senses? "That's too scary to even joke about." They pull into the parking lot where Quinn is waiting at the front door. "Daria, hurry." Quinn demanded, slamming the door behind her. "Quinn, what are you...." She stops suddenly as she sees the outline of 7 non-strangers. "Quinn, there are your friend..." Jane tried to say. "JUST GO!" Quinn screamed, causing Daria to panic. She laid on the gas and peeled out onto the street. At the first stop sign, her and Jane switched places. "Thanks Jane. After that rude awakening, I think I wet myself." "SOR-RY!" Quinn retorted, crossing her arms. "Yeah, what WAS that about?" Jane asked. "Nothing! Just get me home." And so Jane drove them home. As soon as the car reached the Morgendorffer driveway, Quinn raced out and into the house. "So much for fruitcake," Jane thought, putting the car in park. "What do you think happened?" Jane asked, mildly concerned. "Whatever it was, it must not be good," Daria thought, taking the keys. "Maybe it was a close encounter of the Ruttheimer kind," Jane joked, leaning against the car. "DARIA, PHONE!" Quinn screamed from her window. "Just toss the phone to me," Daria taunted, holding her hands out. And wouldn't you know, that's just what Quinn did. "I WAS KIDDING!!" Daria yelled, but the window was already closed. "Hello?" "Hey, Daria," The voice purred. "Um, hi Trent. Jane's right here..." "No, I wanna ask you something." "Yes???" "Can you pick up some of that fruitcake? I'm kind of hungry," Trent asked, kicking himself once he heard what he said. "Ummm..." Daria was NOT expecting that. Jane grabbed the phone. "Hey bro, what are you making Daria blush for?" Jane innocently asked. "Ouch! I was just kidding!" "Just wait, Lane. It will all be returned," Daria said, unclenching her fists. "I'll be home in a few," Jane spoke into the reciever. "What? yeah, I'll bring home the fruitcake. Bye." Daria stared at her friend with death rays. "What? It just slipped out." Jane replied in a very honest voice. "Uh huh, just like when you and Bobby Bighead were in the make-out room, it just...." "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Quinn screamed, sticking her bald(!) head out of the window. "Daria, You're dead!" Jane and Daria look at Quinn in disbelief. ------------------------------------------------- Commercial Break ------------------------------------------------- Daria looked at Quinn with wide eyes. "Why is Quinn bald," she thought, envisioning the possibility for expulsion from the Fashion Club. "Quinn, are you..." "God, Daria, now you're really gonna get it!" Quinn screamed, closing the window behind her. "Were you up for revenge?" Jane asked carefully, keeping all signs of accusation at bay. "Strangely, no." She confessed, "But why would someone do that to Quinn? She's not THAT bad." "I'd better go. Tell Quinn that I can paint her head if she likes." And with that, Jane left. It wasn't until later that night that Daria saw her sister again. She approached the dinnertable in an "Old" outfit consisting of a black sweater, black flare jeans, black boots, an anhk, and a large black floppy hat barely covering Quinn's bespeckled face. Daria looked at her sister in awe. She didn't expect to see Quinn at all that night. Helen looked surprised, but assumed it was the "in" thing. Jake, buried in the newest issue of "Putter's Digest," noticed nothing. "Quinn, are you all right?" Helen questioned. "Great, fine. Never better." Quinn's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Don't you have a date?" Helen knew to tread lightly. It had been a quiet night, and she wanted it to stay that way. "Yeah, Bret Strand was supposed to go out with me, but I don't think I can go out like this." Jake looked up at the last comment and decided to add his two cents. "Well, honey, why don't you change then?" Everyone glared at him. Jake sheepishly went back to his magazine. "I can't....because of this!" Quinn ripped off the had and shades. Quinn was very much bald, except for her eyebrows, of course. Her eyes were that funny shade of red from crying, and an embarassed look was glued to her face. "And it's all Daria's fault!" Quinn lied. Jake jumped up furiously and pointed to his eldest daughter. "Dammit Daria! What'd you do that for!?" "Jake, sit DOWN!" Helen yelled, getting herself upset. "You should ground her," Quinn whined. "Don't sit there and stare at me!" Jake continued. "Jake, now, before you have another heart attack!" "I HATE YOU!" Daria, unable to stand the yelling, stands up on the table and blows her whistle, causing everyone to freeze. "Dad, I didn't hurt Quinn's precious little head. Mom, I'm going to Jane's. And I already got what I wanted from you, Quinn, so why would I torture you again?" Daria stepped down and slammed out of the house. It was about 7:00 when Trent heard the knocking, stopping practice momentarily. Trent walked upstairs to the door. Once again, an upset Daria stood looking for a place to vent. "Yeah, come on in, Daria." Trent mentioned that Jane was upstairs painting and that he'd be downstairs with the guys practicing. Daria deciced to see Jane. Loud music certainly would NOT help her mood, and she didn't feel like explaining everything to Trent. With a quick nod, they parted. Daria approached the door cautiously, not wanting to disturb Jane. She knocked on the door and crept inside. "Hey," Jane said, submerged in her work. Daria took her "something eating away at your soul" position on the bed and stared at Jane. Jane had painted a picture of Daria sitting on a throne with the fashion mob bowing at her feet. "You like?" Jane asked, stepping away from the canvas. "Yes. Now I know that you can tell the future. I'll take my 3 free minutes now, if you don't mind." "What's the matter? Fade into the background then get noticed when something bad happens?" "You're good. You're really good." As if on cue, the phone rang. Jane answered it and grimaced slightly. "Yeah, hold on a sec. What? Um, okay. Bye." "What was that about?" "You're mom said to come home now. They want to apologize." "Great," She replied, not sounding the least bit interested. She stood up on the bed and hopped over to Jane's painting. "May I?" She asked, picking up a paintbrush. Jane nodded. Daria carefully painted a thought bubble containing a picture of Helen, Jake, and Quinn tied to a stake with Andrea and other goths holding torture devices in a ready stance. Jane grinned. Daria sat through her parents apology without blinking. Jake was going to apologize with Helen and her speech on scapegoating, but Helen received a phone call and Jake, tired of waiting, went back to his magazine. Quinn sat in her room chattering away on the phone with God knows who, leaving much to be wondered. Daria, expecting this totally, went to bed early. Daria awoke to a loud clap of thunder. She looked at her clock, but it only flashed red numbers. Her room momentarily lit with the bright lightning, leaving an eerie feeling behind. She cautiously put on her glasses and walked downstairs. She looked at the kitchen clock to see that once again the hands had fallen off. Tiredly she walked over to the TV and turned on the Forecast Channel. It was exactly 7 a.m. She turned off the tv and heard the rest of the family clamoring downstairs, complaining about late meetings and clothes problems. Quietly, Daria ate her cereal. After her shower, Daria stepped into her dark room. She looked down at the floor and saw a familiar figure untying her boots. It was Jane. “Yo,” She said, taking off her boot. “Hi. How’d you get in here?” She really thought, “How did Trent stay awake to bring you here.” “I hijacked Trent’s car. He fell asleep in it last night and I had to drag him out this morning.” Jane ran her hands through her wet and wind mangled hair. “Zachary and Taylor used his pants as a nice scratching material, too.” “Sounds thrilling.” Daria mussed with the towel she was still in. “Um, Jane?” “Yeah, yeah,” she said, turning around, “you know, I am an artist. Any body has beauty.” “And how is that?” Daria replied, stepping into her jeans. “The only truly beautiful people are the ones with a great personality. Without that, even Leo DiCaprio is a dog.” “But he is.” “Okay, bad example.” Daria, now dressed in a green sweater and blue jeans, ushered Jane and herself out of the room. Once they were downstairs, Quinn walked out of her room in a wig that matched her hair perfectly. She checked herself in her compact, then confidently walked downstairs. The ride to school was rather uneventful, aside from the fact that Trent's car shot out every tape put in. Daria and Jane walked into the school and gasped. "No Cameras?!" "No bomb-sniffing dogs!" "No S.W.A.T. teams?" "Jane, is this really Lawndale?" Jane pinched Daria's arm, causing her to get punched in the arm. "Ow! Sorry!" Jane retorted, opening her locker. "Attention students, please report to the auditorium for assembly. Thank you." "Did I just hear "plwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease" and "thank you" in through our intercom? Now I know I'm losing it." Daria thought about the voice: kind, gentle, but something just wasn't right. It was like Ashley-Amber, only sterner. "Daria, lets go," Jane said, dragging Daria away. Everything seemed normal. The auditorium was alive with the sound of noisy teenagers. The teachers stood calmly by the wall. Daria and Jane sat down and saw candy bars being passed around. Then a young man, late 20's or early 30's, walked to the podium. His hair had a sort of iridescent sheen to it, and he was dressed very well. He wore sunglasses and cowered slightly. "Good..." he croaked, stopping to clear his throat. Luckily, no one noticed, so he proceeded. "Good morning, students. I see you've noticed the candy bars being passed around..." "They match the aid heads in the room," a young girl retorted from behind Daria and Jane. Hearing this, Daria and Jane smirked. "...So go ahead and eat. It's sort of a...welcome-back snack, but one per person, please. Everyone deserves one." The candy bars came passed in different boxes across the rows. They came in such a variety of flavors that even the Fashion Club had some. (Granted they were no salt, no fat, no taste ones.) Once the bars came to Daria and Jane, they passed them along. "Oh, no girls. Please, have one. They're super yummy," Mr. O'Neill said, passing two bars to them. "Yeah, yummy," the girl said, licking her fingers. "Go ahead, I haven't died yet, have I?" "Though it's hard to tell through all that make-up," Jane snickered. "Sorry, I couldn't help it." "No problem," she said, tossing her black hair behind her shoulders. She had green eyes, barely visible under all the black eye makeup. Her face was ghost white, and her fingernails blood red. Her clothes consisted of a black baby tee, black jeans, and a long grey duster. "I'm Tabitha." "Jane," she said, holding out her hand. Reluctantly, Tabitha accepted. "And who is this?" Tabitha asked, leaning toward Daria. "This is Daria. Say hi, Daria." "Hi," she grumbled, fingering her candy bar still. "Attention please," The man said, speaking into the mic. "HEY, SHUT UP!" Everyone turned to him. "Has everyone eaten their candy?" Daria looked over to Jane, who was licking her fingers clean from the chocolate. She nodded an 'okay' sign, causing Daria to eat her candy bar. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mr. Dollop, but you can call me Marty. I'm your new principal's advisor, and I'm here to introduce her to you." He looked over to the left, where a tall brunette with deep blue eyes appeared in a red pansuit. Sweetly, she spoke into the microphone. "Hello students. I am your new principal, Ms. Daulton." She cleared her throat and took a swig from a water bottle in the podium. Now she spoke in a menacing voice. "What you just ate was as chemical tracking device that will remain in your bloodstream for the remainder of the year. I've set this system up to keep an eye on all of you who thinks its "cute" to bring a gun or knife to school. Whenever something happens, I'll know. I'll be the eyes and ears of this academy...and there is nothing you can do about it. So just behave and you'll be fine." With those last few words, Ms. Daulton stalked off the stage. Martin approache calmly. "Dismissed." "Well, I guess this time there IS no distinction between school and prison," Daria joked, getting up. "Get ready," Tabitha warned, "she only gets worse." --------------------------------------- Commercial Break --------------------------------------- I decided to share a few quotes from school. These are what you'll hear in an average day at my school. "Attention please, would all students with tractors please move them immediately. Thank you." "In this class, there is a such thing as a dumb question." "My toe hurts. I think it's gonna fall off again." "Whimper! Snarl!" "You don't have a life." "What's for lunch?" "$#!t on a stick." "Didn't we have that yesterday?" "Leftovers." "I put Hugh Jass on the back of my shirt." "Yes we have no bananas. We have no bananas today." "Shut up you frijol!" -pronounced freehole, Spanish, for bean. "I need some sleep. You'll teach my next class for me won't you? It's only Algebra II. You can do that." "Can I have some money for the m@$terb@tion association?" --------------------------------------- Commercial Break --------------------------------------- Through the next few weeks, Daria and Jane learned more and more about their principal. At her last school, the parents seemed to like the chemical idea. Fights rarely occured. Vandalism remained, but was seen much less. The police even started using the chemicals to track truant students. It all seemed to be going fine, until.... "GAH!" Mr. DeMartino screamed, clutching his chest and slamming the coffee cup onto the table. A few other teachers turned to look at him: he staggered around the lounge. "Help me," he whispered, falling to the ground. "So then I was like, "Hello? I don't have any hair!" And all three of them took me out wig shopping." Quinn babbled, now wearing a blond wig. "We KNOW, Quinn. You've told us HOW many times now?" Sandi smarted. "I know, but my head looks so *cute* without hair!" Quinn confidently took off the wig and rubbed her stubble. "Can you believe it? Bret Strand is STILL taking me out tonight." "No, I definitely DON'T belive it." Sandi mumbled under her breath. "Gee, Stacy, how are you taking the news?" "Umm, I feel.." "Terrible? Upset? Like one of your friends TURNED on you?" "Not real.." "Gee, I guess Stacy is SO overwhelmed with emotion that she can't possibly answer." "Sandi, maybe you should let Stacy answer for herself. Unless you don't think that she's smart enough to." Quinn said, arms akimbo. "Are you saying that Stacy cannot think for herself?" Sandi scowled, aiming for the kill. "No, but you did." Quinn calmly replied. "Really, I'm fine guys. Thanks for noticing," Stacy said, twiddling with her braids. "God, Sandi! Just let her think for herself." Quinn spoke, turning the knife. "Yeah," Tiffany finally agreed. "Look at the time. Gotta go!" Quinn bounced off to class. Stacy followed suit, leaving Sandi and Tiffany to themselves. "So much for the hair removal treatment," Sandi murmured to Tiffany. "Any other bright ideas?" The ambulance came during study hall, when Daria and Jane just happened to be missing. Yeah, like they'd actually stay in a classroom for an hour doing nothing under strict supervision. The school provided excellent viewing grounds for the world below. "Hmmm, I wonder what happened to DeMartino," Jane said, munching on some fruitcake. "I don't know. Did you notice that the druggies haven't been at school since after break?" "What's new. They're never here." "Yeah, but maybe that chemical effects the level of toxins in your body." Daria said, pulling out The Sound and The Fury. "Does that explain why we haven't had taco Tuesday since we started second semester?" "Maybe," Daria commented. She leaned against the side of the building and read. Jane faced Daria and started sketching. After a while, a small crash was heard by the door. "What do you thing that was?" Jane asked. "hmmm?" Daria replied, too into the book to notice. Faint yelling was below them, which sparked Jane's curiosity. She walked over to the side and looked over. Ms. Daulton and Mr. Dollop were in the parking lot with a police officer. "Daria, look at this!" Daria turned away from the book and was the three. She grabbed a camera out of her bag and took some pictures of the scene below. "You have a camera with you?" "After my dad's eye incident, I wouldn't let myself go anywhere without one." She snapped some more pictures as the officer left. Daria still didn't remember how she ended up at Ms. Daulton's house in the middle of the night. But there she was, with Jane, in Ms. Daulton's bushes, hiding. "I know I should have wore my jacket," Jane whispered, touching the scattering of snow on the ground. "We both should have. I'm gonna freeze me arse off." A tall figure in a black trenchcoat approached the blue house. She walked up the sidewalk and stopped, messing with her keys. "Look, there she is!" Jane said, hiding behind a large hedge of bushes. "I think she's got the chemical with her." "Um, Jane. I think we're being watched," Daria said, tapping Jane's shoulder. "Right, Daria. And the next thing you'll tell me is that it's Tabitha up in a tree with a camera wearing Amberdummie and Finch." Daria just looked at Jane. "Make a run for it in, 5...4...3...2..." "MOM! DARIA AND JANE ARE SPYING ON YOU!" Tabitha screamed from the tree. "They're the ones plotting the Return." Suddenly a cop car drove by and aimed a ray of light on the two girls. "Get out of there!" a surly voice yelled. The two girls ran out of the bushes and down the sidewalk. Tabitha, in Amberdummie and Finch, ran after them with her camera. Jane was able to get away easily, but had to pull Daria with her into another set of bushes. They watched silently as Tabitha ran by. "Where are we?" Daria huffed, catching her breath. "Look." Ahead of them was the back of the Lane house. "I know every shortcut in town." Jane got up and pulled up Daria, whose legs were now cramping. "Come on, I'll drive you home." Daria woke up the next day very tired. Trying to get some extra sleep, she faked a sickness and Helen called her in sick. Jane, needing sleep as well, did the same. At about 10 AM, Daria woke up refreshed. She knew she couldn't go to school after what had happened last night, but she had to do something. Out of instinct, she called Jane. "Unh?" Jane mumbled, answering the phone. "Get out of bed, daisy head." Daria joked, booting up her computer. "It's 10, don't you think you could possibly call later?" "No time, Lane. We have to see Ms. Li and try to get her back." "Why the hell would we do something like that?" "I can't prove anything yet, but I think I can get Ms. Daulton arrested for improper drug usage." "Daria, I know you're an overachiever, but don't you think that a principle a year is good enough?" "Heh," Daria replied, opening her internet navigator. "I'll call you when I get some hard evidence. Is Trent home?" "Asleep, but yeah. Why?" "We may need his services. Later, Jane." "Later." Daria hung up the phone and searched all the medical sights she could and came up with the miracle drug. The stage lights caused Marty's hair to look iridescent, and like many drugs, they don't mix well with alcohol and other drugs. After printing out the information, she looked up the Lawndale County Jail website and checked viewing times. After she was satisfied, she logged off the computer and called Jane. "Yeah, we'll be over in a few." Daria hung up and got into the shower, dressed, and ate. Once she was done with the dishes, she wrote a note to her parents and left with Jane and Trent. "We'd better duck if we don't want the Truancy Police to see us." "Just put these on," Jane said, handing Daria a floppy straw hat and sunglasses. Reluctantly, she put them on. "Whoa, you look like my Aunt Bernice," Trent said, taking a look at the printed out map. Getting into the Jail wasn't hard. They just said that they had some important things to say to Ms. Li and they called her right in. "Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, Mr. Lane...what are you doing here?" "Well, we have some things to tell you that may leave you shocked or mad." "What makes me mad is that you're supposed to be in school right now!" "Just hear us out, please, Mrs. L." After explaining the predicament, Ms. Li smiled evilly and shook hands with all three. They left and stopped at their favorite pizza place for some late lunch. "Now all we have to do is get the cops on this stuff and we should be home free," Jane commented, setting down a pizza crust. "You guys sure do strange things in your spare time." "Who says that they're strange?" Jane said pointedly. "Nevermind. Uh-oh, you guys better hide, fast." "Why?" Daria asked looking around. "Two cops just pulled in. Hide, now." "Where..." Daria asked, being pulled under the booth by Jane. They crowded under the table as close to Trent as possible. Trent calmly sat and ate the rest of the pizza. After about 10 minutes, Trent gave the all clear. "Let's get home now, before mom or dad decides to come home early." Daria got up and stretched, and the three left quickly. Daria got home long before her parents or Quinn. She went back up to her room and rested. Jane returned to her sleep, and so did Trent. All three were awakened when they recieved a call on the phone. The next day the students were back in the auditorium for another assembly. A hush came over the students as a familiar character walked across the stage. "Students, I'd like to apologize for the way Ms. Daulton has acted. Her disciplinary ways are not to be followed ever again. The chemical will remain in your body, but not after everyone has their required shot to counteract the effects of the chemical. As for my return as Principal, I encourage you to tell me anything that has brought evil and chaos to .............Laaaawndale Hiigh. Dismissed." "So who would have thought. The principal we helped put away we let out to resume her job. Now I know I'm being punished for being to ironic." Daria sat back in her chair and saved the story on her computer. "There," she replied, "It's finally done." Daria had written the entire month's happenings to be published in the next Lawndale Lowdown. "I wish it all had been a terrible, terrible dream." She smirked a lovely Mona Lisa smile and closed her eyes.