(Camera holds on this for about five seconds before three suited people, two male and one female enter from the right, in the middle of a discussion. The woman stands in the center, the two men face each other.)
MAN #1: No way, it's never going to happen, they just like to screw with us.
WOMAN: I think they'd make a neat couple.
MAN #1: Maybe, but they're never gonna get together, it's a TV thing. I don't like those episodes anyway, I like the school ones more.
MAN #2: Yeah, I had an English teacher just like that.
WOMAN: I liked the one with the holidays.
(Pause while the two guys stare at her.)
WOMAN: What? It was cute.
(The sound of clicking high-heels is heard, and the camera pans to the right, where another woman with shoulder-blade length brown hair in a dark blue suit is seen from behind, opening the door set into the wall and continuing through.)
WOMAN: (wanting to change the subject) Who's that?
MAN #2: Don't know her name, she works down in the basement with that creepy guy.
MAN #1: I bet she'd look pretty good without those glasses. Or the suit, for that matter.
MAN #2: You're sick. She's not hiding anything, she's just one of those ice-queen types anyway.
WOMAN: Right, like all women who aren't total sexpots are ice queens.
MAN #2: That is not at all what I was saying!
(Zoom towards the closed door while they begin arguing.)
INT.: SOMEWHAT DARK HALLWAY, SEEN FROM ALMOST FLOOR LEVEL.
(MUSIC: Something ambient and Mark Snow-ish.)
(The blue-suited woman's legs are all that can be seen of her as she walks down the hall. After a few seconds, she stops, pan upwards until her face is revealed. It's Daria, looking perhaps a little older, but still the same circular lensed glasses and hairstyle. She looks to the left, then the right, then exits to the right.)
INT.: A MESSY, DIMLY LIT OFFICE.
(Daria walks over to a filing cabinet.)
CUT TO: CLOSE-UP OF FILING CABINET DRAWERS. (Daria's hand is seen scanning the labels as the camera pans downward past labels reading "ALIENS", "VAMPIRES", "MUTANTS", "WEIRD SELF-REFFING EPISODES THAT TURN OUT TO BE HALLUCINATIONS OR SOMETHING", and finally, "DREAMS." She opens this drawer and pulls out a folder marked simply, "#10.")
DARIA: (To the figure seated at the desk) Lane, have you had a look at this?
FIGURE: (Turns, reveals himself to be Trent, also in a dark suit) Hold on, I'm blowing the lid on the Lennon assassination.
DARIA: What, was it a CIA conspiracy?
TRENT: Nope, Department of the Census.
TRENT: The shadow government.
DARIA: (Rolls her eyes.) Lane?
DARIA: You're paranoid.
TRENT: Yes. (Close-up on his narrowed eyes.) But am I paranoid enough?
DARIA: Well, no matter, it's quitting time anyway.
TRENT: Cool. How are you going to spend this weekend?
DARIA: Oh, I don't know, staying at home alone, waiting for a man that I can trust, who can break through my cold, professional exterior, touch my soul, and show me true love.
TRENT: (Beat.) Yeah, I'm gonna be alone, too, I guess.
(Cut back and forth between them as they gaze longingly into each other's eyes.)
TRENT: (Breaks the tension.) Wanna go get some Chinese?
DARIA: (Beat.) Okay, I'll drive.
(Daria tosses file #10 onto the desk, and they exit through the door. An unexpected gust of wind blows the folder open, zoom in on its contents, some nondescript papers. A hand picks them up, zoom out, and we're in-)
INT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE.
MS. LI: (Scans the papers she has just picked up.) Mm-hmm...mm-hmm..., garbage. (She puts them back in the folder.)
WORKMAN: (Enters through door.) Okay, we've got your metal detectors installed.
MS. LI: Good, good.
WORKMAN: And the leak in the guard tower roof has been taken care of.
MS. LI: Wonderful! Here's your check. (Hands him check.)
WORKMAN: Pleasure doin' business with you, Ma'am. (Exits.)
MS. LI: (To herself, proudly.) Well well well, Ms. Angela Li, you sure can run a good prison, can't you?
INT.: PRISON YARD.
(Pan right across courtyard. The prisoners are all Lawndale High students, in old-fashioned B&W striped uniforms, most are breaking rocks with sledgehammers, various grunts and groans can be heard. Hold on the Fashion Club, standing about looking grim.)
TIFFANY: These uniforms are so...gross.
SANDI: (Sarcastic.) We are all aware of the appalling state of our uniforms, Tiffany, but please keep us informed of these late-breaking bulletins.
STACY: I hope they don't serve us that gruel again, that stuff is like so fattening!
SANDI: Maybe if you would exercise more, you wouldn't show that gruel so much.
TIFFANY: (looks down at Stacy) It's true. I think...you gained...a pound.
STACY: (Shrieks, then runs out of the frame.)
INT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE.
SECRETARY: (through the intercom) Ms. Li, Daria and Jane are here.
MS. LI: (Pushes the intercom button.) Good, send them in.
(Turn to door as Daria and Jane enter, both wearing the standard issue uniforms)
DARIA: Uh, you wanted to see us?
MS. LI: Yes, have a seat. (They sit down.) Anyway, there have been rumors going around. Rumors of an escape plan. Rumors that you two may be at the head of it.
JANE: Where exactly have these rumors been coming from?
MS. LI: Oh, they've been through the grapevine. You can't keep secrets in here, you know.
DARIA: True. But we don't know anything about any escape plan. Besides, we're repaying our debt to society. We know all about the horrible crime we've all committed.
JANE: Yes. The crime...(dramatic pause) of being young.
MS. LI: Well, I hope you do. Many of the people in here aren't mindful of their misdeeds, and we need more model prisoners like you two to bring laud and honor to Laaawndale Maximum Security!
MS. LI: It is the greater good towards which I sacrifice all my time and-
WORKMAN: (Interrupting) Ms. Li? Your office sign is in.
MS. LI: Oh, good! "Ms. Angela Li, Warden & Administrator"? Is it in 12-inch type like I asked?
WORKMAN: 12-inch? Isn't that a little big?
MS. LI: Oh, for HEAVEN'S SAKE! (She storms out while chewing out the workman. Daria and Jane are left alone. Daria looks to the left.)
DARIA: Uh, Jane, have you ever noticed that door there before?
(Pan left to reveal a door on the left wall with "10" written on it. Pan back.)
JANE: Hmmmm, no.
(They look at each other, then stand up and exit the frame to the left.)
EXT.: A DOOR ON AN OLD BRICK BUILDING WITH A METAL FIRE ESCAPE LEADING DOWN FROM IT.
(Daria and Jane emerge from this door dressed in their normal clothes, shut it behind them, and look around quizzically before-)
JANE: (Claps her hands together.) We're out!
(MUSIC: "Can't Buy Me Love", The Beatles)
(Daria and Jane run down the fire escape a la A Hard Day's Night.)
AERIAL SHOT: A LARGE GRASSY FIELD.
(Music still plays as Daria and Jane are seen running across the field manically. Daria trips and falls. Jane comes back over and gives her a hand, Daria grabs it and pulls her down. Daria gets up and tries to run, but Jane grabs her by the ankles and brings her down. Music fades.)
GROUND LEVEL SHOT: THE FIELD. (Daria and Jane are still on the ground, panting (although Daria is panting considerably more than Jane).)
JANE: Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
DARIA: (panting) That'll be my exercise...for the year.
JANE: (stands up) Okay, who's up for pizza?
DARIA: (stands up) Sounds good. Better than that gruel, anyway.
JANE: Anything would be better than prison food.
DARIA: Yeah. They cook worse than C-KO Kotobuki.
JANE: I've seen that forty-five times!
DARIA: (Speaking mechanically.) Yes. I too have a very large collection of anime videos, which I watch religiously.
JANE: (also speaking mechanically) Why, who in their right mind doesn't enjoy a good anime, Daria?
(As they continue speaking, their eyes start growing to anime size.)
DARIA: I have no idea. Those who don't must be complete idiots. Have you seen All Purpose Cat-Girl Nuku Nuku?
JANE: Why, of course! (They are now both full anime girls.) Come on, lets go get some skin-tight shorts and cute sailor outfits!
DARIA: (Giggles very uncharacteristically.)
(They run out of the scene to the left. Kevin enters from the right.)
KEVIN: Hey Babe, did you see that? (Points towards Daria and Jane.)
(Pan right to reveal Brittany, who's also drawn anime style, her eyes take up nearly half of her face.)
BRITTANY: Ummm, no.
(They exit to the left. Pan to the right until we see an office desk in the middle of the field. Upchuck is seated at the desk in a suit.)
UPCHUCK: And now for something completely...feisty!
INT.: A LOCKER ROOM.
(MUSIC: "Beer: 30", Reverend Horton Heat.)
(The Lawndale football team is in there, in towels, spraying champagne all over each other, like they just won a championship game. Various hoots and hollers are heard, a couple football players pose for the camera, etc. Scene lasts for 10-15 seconds, then-)
(Upchuck is facing to the right, looking very nervous and confused.)
UPCHUCK: (Turns to face the camera.) We seem to be having...uh... problems... (He looks to the right, screams and runs away. Several football players rush into the frame from the right chasing after him. Cut to shot of football players chasing Upchuck in Three-Stooges-style fast motion. Over this we hear-)
(Cut back to the desk, a TV crew is there, filming. The director, a Glen Eichler caricature is standing by the desk.)
GLEN: All right, who's been screwing with the video equipment? (He looks to the left, glaring. Pan left to reveal the Fashion Club.)
SANDI: (Beat.) Don't look at US.
QUINN: That is SO beneath us!
(Pan back to Glen.)
GLEN: Yeah, in more ways than one, I know. Well, lets just get Upchuck back here and keep this moving, all right?
(Jake Morgendorffer suddenly rushes up to Glen in one of his usual fits.)
JAKE: Where's the director?! I demand to see the director!!
GLEN: Woah, easy there, I'm the director, what's the problem?
JAKE: I'll tell you what's the problem! I've heard that you're going to have MY DAUGHTER go to bed with someone on this show!
GLEN: What? Where did you hear that?
JAKE: (mimicking Glen) Where did you hear that?! It's all over the internet, Buster!
GLEN: The internet? Pbbbbt! What do THEY know? There's not going to be any sex on this show.
JAKE: There better not be any! And you better not send her off to military camp! Oh sure, may be good for a few jokes! Well let me tell you something, there's nothing funny about being sent away for four years to try to fulfill your father's warped view of masculinity! There's nothing funny about being hazed and tortured and-
GLEN: We're not doing that either! Sheesh, how did THAT come up?
JAKE: I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST DID!
GLEN: Well anyway, none of those rumors are true!
JAKE: How about the rumors about stories about crazy mind-powers? Or where Daria joins that horrible Mythic Spirals band? Or where Quinn gets raped? Or saying that I'm not Daria's real father? Or having Daria crash my car? Or having her ward off some Japanese mythological somethingorother?
GLEN: No! None of that is going to happen! (Sighs.) I don't even want to know who told you about the Japanese mythology thing...
JAKE: Well keep it all out!! I swear, this is going to give me a heart attack eventually! (Storms out of the frame.)
(Glen looks around a second, then grabs a notepad out of his pocket and starts jotting down a note.)
GLEN: (As he's writing) "Heart...a...ttack." (He crosses the 't's with a flourish and chuckles to himself, then walks out of the frame.)
INT.: JAKE'S CAR.
(Jake mutters to himself as he's driving down the freeway.)
JAKE: (Eyes widen, he slows to a stop.) Aw, DAMMIT!
AERIAL SHOT, FREEWAY.
(The traffic is bumper-to-bumper. Pan across this scene slowly, while the sounds of car horns and idling engines slowly fade and are replaced by-)
(MUSIC: "Everybody Hurts", R.E.M., plays under entire scene)
(Cross-fade to a closer view of the cars from the front, pan until we see Daria (drawn normally) in the passenger seat of one of these cars.)
CAPTION: "I am feeling much angst right now."
(Caption disappears and is replaced by-)
CAPTION: "Much angst and malaise."
(Pan right to Jane in the driver's seat.)
CAPTION: "Malaise and ennui."
CAPTION: "With a side order of existential confusion."
(Pan to the right and fade to a view of Brittany's car, pan to the left until we see Brittany.)
CAPTION: "Blue pompoms...or yellow?"
(Brittany frowns in concentration. Pan across to Kevin in the passenger seat.)
CAPTION: "I get knocked down!
CAPTION: "But I get up again!"
CAPTION: "If you're ever gonna keep me down!"
CAPTION: "No wait, shouldn't it be never keep me down?"
CAPTION: "If you're never..."
CAPTION: "No, just 'you're never'...ever...uh...hmmm..."
(Pan left again and cross-fade to Mack's car. Pan right until Mack is in view.)
CAPTION: "I am African-American."
CAPTION: "Don't call me Mack Daddy."
(Five second pause.)
CAPTION: "I am African-American."
(Pan right again and cross-fade to Jake's car. Pan left until we see Jake, glowering over the wheel.)
(Pan left again, cross-fade to another car with Evan from "See Jane Run" in the driver's seat.)
CAPTION: "I am feeling angst and malaise."
CAPTION: "Will I ever get another guest-shot?"
(Pan right until we see Ted Dewitt-Clinton in the passenger seat.)
CAPTION: "I think there is an opening on 'King of the Hill.'"
(Pan right, cross-fade to Trent's car, pan left until we see Trent.)
CAPTION: "It's just like that R.E.M. video, except you can't read everybody's thoughts."
(He looks out the side window, then-)
CAPTION: "Oh wait, you can."
(Pan left until we see Jesse in the passenger seat. He looks over at Trent.)
CAPTION: "Can you read my thoughts?"
(Pan back to Trent.)
(Pan back to Jesse. He looks forward. Pause of about ten seconds, then-)
(Pan left, cross-fade to another car, driven by Brooke from "Too Cute". She frowns.)
CAPTION: "I hate this song."
(She reaches down and switches the station on her radio, upon which we immediately-)
INT.: A LATIN CLUB
(MUSIC: "Livin' The Vida Loca", Ricky Martin.)
(The scene here is, of course, right out of the "Vida Loca" video, except with the dancers replaced by Lawndale High students, and even a few members of the faculty. Ms. Barch, in particular, is wildly twirling and throwing Mr. O'Neill, who looks way out of his depth. There are, however, no shots of the singer just yet. After the instrumental intro, the music cuts right to the pre-chorus (the part about taking one's clothes off and dancing in the rain), and the singer is revealed to be none other than Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III (the music is still Ricky Martin, though). He is dressed like Ricky Martin as well, and his hair is short and slicked back Ricky Martin-style. He sings the chorus, we have more rapid shots of salsa dancing, and the song ends. The crowd applauds.)
UPCHUCK: (In his normal voice.) Thank you, thank you! (Spotlight on Upchuck.) Now, which one of you fabulous ladies wants to help the Chuck-ster with this next number? (Cat-growl.)
ALL GIRLS: EEEEEWWWWWW!!!! (They file out.)
UPCHUCK: Aw, man! (He walks off the stage.)
INT.: A HALL BACKSTAGE.
(Upchuck heads toward his dressing room and is accosted by a man in a Versace suit and Ray-Bans, presumably his agent.)
AGENT: Hey, Charles! Sorry I'm late, got stuck behind a funeral procession! Darn dead people...anyway, aren't you supposed to be on?
UPCHUCK: Nah, it's just not working out. I don't get it! I've tried country, retro-70s, swing, and latin! What do these girls want?
AGENT: Hey, beats me, Chuck, these things happen sometimes, I mean, I sure as heck know you got a hot act, but hey, the entertainment industry can be fickle sometimes!
UPCHUCK: Oh well, better keep out there, though. What's the next trend going to be?
AGENT: (Opens his briefcase, looks at the underside of the lid.) Well, according to my insider's schedule...reggae.
UPCHUCK: Cool! Let's go get me some dreadlocks!
AGENT: Anything you say, Chucky-Baby!
UPCHUCK: Don't call me that.
INT.: THE CLUB, TABLE WITH DARIA AND JANE.
JANE: Wow, hope they can find a replacement. So Daria, how's the birthday going?
DARIA: Wonderful. First you and Trent nearly give me a heart attack by jumping me in my room, then I'm dragged to this club where I keep getting hit on by drunk guys with bad Spanish accents. This is no way to spend a birthday.
(There's a sudden silence as everybody looks at Daria.)
DARIA: (Faces the crowd.) And I'll tell you something else, too. The same thing goes for Guy Fawkes Day!
(The crowd gasps, then begins murmuring, and eventually settles back down. [* See End Notes for more on this very obscure reference.])
JANE: (Calm, but frustrated.) You sure know how to make a friend feel special, Daria.
DARIA: I'm sorry, tonight's not so bad. I think I could get to like this music, by the way.
JANE: Yeah, once they can pull in a more stable performer, this place could really have it going.
(There is a sudden ear-piercing microphone squeal. Daria and Jane wince, and look towards the stage.)
(A heavy-set early-forties looking man, the club owner, has taken the microphone.)
OWNER: Um, (microphone feedback) sorry...can I have everybody's attention? I regret to inform you that this club will be closing now, as I've received word from LA that the Latin craze has just died. We apologize for the inconvenience.
(The doors open, and the crowd walks through, grumbling to themselves. One of them has a transistor radio, which he turns on, and we can faintly hear a steel-drum playing on it at the tail end of the scene.)
INT. THE CLUB, DARIA AND JANE'S TABLE.
(Daria and Jane look around at the now-empty club, as workers are busy taking tables away, removing sound equipment, etc.)
DARIA: Well, forget what I just said.
JANE: Don't worry, there's always the Spanish channel on the radio.
DARIA: Oh well, let's get out of here before they turn this place into a Starbucks.
(The lights go out all of the sudden, plunging the screen into blackness.)
JANE: Ah, hell. (The word "INTERMISSION" appears on the screen.)
(MUSIC: Hidden track from "Yield", Pearl Jam.)
(Hold on "Intermission" for maybe five seconds, then the music continues playing while we see a series of advertisements like the ones they have on the slide projector between movies at the multiplexes nowadays.)
(First we see a fairly typical ad for Pizza King, with a flashy pic, their phone number and address, and the words "50 % more grease then the leading pizza chains!" in a sunburst shape over the pic.)
(Next is a picture of Bing and Spatula Man standing outside the party van with their heads in fake vises. The headline is "Bing and Spatula Man, only on Z-93: Get Mental in the Morning!"
(Next is two other wacky DJs in wacky DJ getups. Headline: "Spike and Brian on X-101: Get Maniacal in the Morning!"
(Next is a tranquil mountain scene with the headline: "Your favorite light sounds on EZ-103: Get Mellow in the Morning."
(Next: A nutty looking guy in black with a beard, a yarmulke and earlocks, headline: "Rabbi Nussbaum on J-95: Get Meshugah in the Morning!"
(Next: The words "Are You Looking For A Solid, Dependable Investment?" in serious type on a white marble background.)
(Next: The headline: "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Wee-Bits!" in rainbow colors above a picture of a smiling 40-ish woman with an armful of said Fuzzy-Wuzzy Wee-Bits. Caption reads: Adorable fun for the entire family!* Accept no substitutes! Guaranteed to appreciate in value!" In fine print at the bottom: " *Warning: Snuggling or playing with Fuzzy-Wuzzy Wee-Bits tends to decrease value, for maximum earning potential, keep in Lucite case with security alarm."
(Next: Picture of Axl next to his display case, headline says "The human body is a work of art...so why not accessorize? Axl's Piercing Parlor, located in Dega St." Caption below reads: "If you are under 18, you must have parental consent, or at least a convincing story. We use antitoxidized instruments. Almost fully licensed with the State Health Board."
(Next: Ad for Dega Street Outfitters, with picture of some hip kid dressed roughly like Kramer from Seinfeld. Headline: "The latest in authentic thrift store fashion!"
(Next: Picture of a homeless man standing in front of a soup kitchen, looking at the ground. The headline reads "Please Give Generously To The 'Clothe The Homeless Foundation.'" A caption reads: "We will be collecting donations this Sunday in the Dega Street Outfitters parking lot."
(The words "END INTERMISSION" appear on the screen, then the old-style film countdown begins, at 2 it blinks out and there is more darkness. Then a feminine voice is heard saying, "Hello! The lens cap is on, genius!" The lens cap is removed, and the person who removed it steps back from the camera, revealing herself to be Monique. She is standing in the middle of a forest clearing at dusk. The shot is being made through a camcorder, so it is black and white, and the word "REC" is visible in the upper left corner.)
MONIQUE: Are we ready then? Good. Hello, I am Monique Nelson, and we are pursuing one of the greatest mysteries of our sleepy little town. (Camera goes out of focus briefly, then recovers.) This is Hargrove's Woods, a secluded area on the edge of Lawndale city limits that holds many shadows...and many secrets. Secrets like the unfounded rumors of witchcraft and sorcery, although these rumors were likely spread by religious zealots afraid of what they couldn't understand (resentment creeps into her voice) when the truth is that Wiccanism is really a benign religion and its followers are more in touch with Mother Earth than those narrow-minded bastards-
MONIQUE: Oh, sorry. Anyway, my amateur film team and I are in search of the legendary Lawndale Witch, who was burned at the stake in 1796 for her alleged crimes against God, but is rumored not to have quite died an honorable Christian death.
OFF-CAMERA VOICE: Woooo! I'm shakin' in my boots!
MONIQUE: Shut up, Josh! (She begins walking down a trail, the camera follows her.) Anyway, reports of strange noises and lights have been reported ever since then. People say that there is still a secret witch coven hidden somewhere within the brambles and foliage of this-huh?
(There is a rustling in the bushes, Monique gasps, and the camera swivels in the direction the noise came from. Kevin and Brittany suddenly peek out from behind the bush.)
KEVIN: Hey! Can't we have a little privacy here?
BRITTANY: Yeah! Go away! Shoo! (Brittany gestures at the camera, which flinches noticeably.) SHOO! (Flinch.) SHOOOO! (Bigger flinch.)
(The camera focuses back on Monique, who begins walking back down the trail.)
MONIQUE: As I was saying...many townspeople are afraid to tread too far into this-
(She is cut off by a quick scream off in the distance. The camera focuses on another bush a ways down the trail, where Brooke and Evan are suddenly fleeing the scene, looking disheveled. The camera moves down the path, and another couple flees a bush, followed by another in a different bush, and another, each looking disheveled, the males bearing lipstick prints, some of them hastily buttoning shirts or pulling up pants. The camera zooms to follow this, next Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill hop up from their make-out and flee, and finally Upchuck pops up from behind a bush pulling up his pants, quite alone. The camera trains back to Monique, who is rolling her eyes.)
MONIQUE: Where is a horror villain when you really need one? (Looks somewhere to the right of the camera.) Let's go somewhere else, everybody. Hey, where's Josh? Josh? Josh?! JOOOOSSSHHHH???!!!
(Scene abruptly cuts to static for a beat or two, then-)
EXTREME CLOSE-UP: MONIQUE'S EYES.
(Monique is holding the camera up to herself, her eyes are filled with tears, she is breathing haltingly. The words "LOW BATT" are visible below "REC".)
MONIQUE: I'm so...sorry. (Sniffs.) Oh god... (Looks off to the right, regains composure.) They've...cut our funding. We're all...alone. How could those University bastards do this?!
VOICE: Oh, quit being so melodramatic!
MONIQUE: SHUT UP, JOSH!
JOSH: Oh come on! Lets go get some tacos.
MONIQUE: (Beat.) Okay.
(Zoom out to show this scene playing on a movie screen.)
INT. MOVIE THEATER, SEEN FROM THE POV OF THE SCREEN.
(Everyone looks rather spooked, except Daria, who's sitting dead center like on the theme sequence looking deadpan as usual.)
EXT. MOVIE THEATER, EXIT DOORS, NIGHT.
(The doors open, and people emerge walking stiffly and casting glances everywhere as if expecting something to jump out of the shadows at them. As soon as maybe ten people have left, the doors shut, and the building is suddenly hit with a laser blast. Anime Daria from earlier runs into the frame from the right, dressed in the aforementioned sailor suit and tight shorts, and carrying some big anime-mecha-laser-type-gun. She fires this back in the direction she came, producing the bright strobing light effect common to anime productions. Whatever she was firing at, and what shot the building the first time, explodes offscreen. She then fires at the screen making it flash violently.)
INT. A LIVING ROOM, BEHIND THE TELEVISION.
(The back of the television takes up most of the frame, but the laser strobe effect is seen all around the TV. Over the loud laser sound effects, various child-like grunts are heard, as if some kid is having a seizure. Pan up above the TV, and we see it's just Sandi's younger brothers, fighting as usual, this time over the remote control.)
SAM: It's mine!
CHRIS: Mine! You suck!
SAM: You suck!
CHRIS: You suck you suck you suck!!
(Sandi walks in and plucks the remote from Chris's hand.)
SANDI: Get out! GOD, you two are SO immature!
(Chris hits Sam, Chris chases after Sam out of the frame. Sandi sighs and sits down on the couch.
(The TV is still showing anime Daria blasting away with her laser. Sandi presses a button, TV clicks to X-Files Daria and Trent from earlier, in a hotel room.)
TRENT: I guess what I'm saying is, you're the only person I can trust.
DARIA: Yeah. You're the only person I can trust, too.
TRENT: (Beat.) Cool.
(They begin gazing at each other again, then the TV abruptly cuts to a "Channel 10 Special Report" screen. Typical serious news break music with synthesized orchestra and tympani plays. Scene then cuts to view of Jodie behind a local news desk.)
JODIE: Good evening, this is Jodie Landon with a Channel 10 Special Report. We have received word that the Lawndale High men's locker room is being held hostage. A SWAT team has arrived and are trying to apprehend the menace that they describe as quote, "a wet towel-wielding maniac." Our own Tiffany Blum-Deckler is on the scene.
INT.: HALLWAY OUTSIDE LOCKER ROOM.
(Several SWAT team are off to the side going over strategy, Tiffany is standing in front of the camera with a microphone and earpiece.)
TIFFANY: (Puts hand on ear with earpiece.) What? Oh yeah. So like...there's this guy in there...with a wet towel, and he's like...snapping it at people. Like, total loser. Uhhhh...yeah.
JODIE: (VO.) Has the SWAT team tried negotiating yet?
TIFFANY: (Five second pause.) Uhhhh...yeah.
JODIE: (VO.) What are the suspect's demands?
TIFFANY: (Another pause.) Uhhhh...mmm...he has a towel.
JODIE: (Sighs audibly.)
(Suddenly the door flies open, and Kevin jumps out wearing only a towel and brandishing a rolled-up wet towel.)
JODIE: (VO.) What's this? The suspect is out!
KEVIN: Who else wants some?! HA HA!! (Whips the towel at the air a few times.)
TIFFANY: I gotta go...
JODIE: (VO.) No! Stay there and get some comments!
KEVIN: (Finally notices the SWAT team.) Woah! What's all this?
SWAT TEAM LEADER: (Through a megaphone, even though he's maybe ten feet away.) WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! DROP THE TOWEL!
KEVIN: (Bad Edward G. Robinson impression.) Ya ain't takin' me alive, coppers! (Normal voice.) I got a towel and I am CRAZY! Woo! (Snaps it in the direction of the cops.)
(Meanwhile, one of the SWAT team men is sneaking up behind him, he suddenly grabs the towel that Kevin is wearing. The TV camera pans away rapidly. Very rapidly.)
KEVIN: (Off-camera now, thank goodness.) AAAGGGH!!!
SWAT TEAM LEADER: Suspect is immobilized, go go GO!
(The SWAT team rushes off-camera towards Kevin, various yelling and noise is heard. Tiffany walks back on screen looking rather pale.)
JODIE: (VO.) It would appear that the suspect has been taken into custody.
TIFFANY: Totally gross. (Puts her hand on her ear.) What? Oh, okay. (Walks over to SWAT team leader who is standing by the locker room door now as other SWAT teamers are going in.) So, uh, is everything under control? (Holds microphone up to the leader.)
SWAT TEAM LEADER: Well, we do have the suspect detained, and we are going in to assess the damage. (One SWAT teamer comes out of the locker room.) Bentley, how does it look?
BENTLEY: Well, sir, it's not pretty, we got red asses everywhere you look in there, but everyone seems to be all right.
JODIE: (VO.) Wait, we have just received word that Principal Angela Li is on the scene, Tiffany, could you get a statement from her?
TIFFANY: (Frowns.) Make up your mind. Sheesh... (She walks off to the right, camera follows her as she finds Ms. Li.) Uh, could you give us, like, a statement or something?
MS. LI: No comment! (Walks away, Tiffany follows her.)
TIFFANY: Just like, a little statement?
MS. LI: (Grumbles, then accepts.) Fine. I would just like to remind all other no-goodniks out there that we will not have a scene like this again! Just to make sure, I am hereby banning the use or carrying of any towels or towel-related parapenalia from the Lawndale grounds!
MS. LI: Yes way!
TIFFANY: Uhhhh...don't we need towels to get dry with?
MS. LI: Do you want to be cited for insubordination?
TIFFANY: (Begins sweating.) Uhhhhh...backtoyouJodie! (Runs away, TV cuts back to the news studio.)
(Jodie is looking to the right, then faces back towards the camera.)
JODIE: Well, that's the news.
KEVIN: (Off-screen, distant.) Towel-whippin' time!!
JODIE: (Looks to the right.) Kevin!
(TV cuts to "Technical Difficulties" screen. Zoom out to show the TV set in a motel room.)
TRENT IN BED.
(Trent is under the covers, only his head is showing. His clothes (the suit he wears in the FBI scenes) are strewn about in front of him.)
DARIA, ALSO IN BED.
DARIA: No, I don't smoke.
(Cut back and forth between views of them as they speak.)
TRENT: Cool, I don't either.
DARIA: Uh-huh. Lane, do you always leave your clothes on the bed like that when you sleep?
(Zoom out to reveal that they are in separate beds, Daria's clothes are hung neatly beside her bed.)
TRENT: Hey, who are you, my mom?
DARIA: Would your mom nag you about that?
TRENT: (Beat.) Probably not.
DARIA: Right. Now let's go to sleep. (Reaches over, turns off light, the screen goes dark, then the words "INTERMISSION" appear on the screen. After about five seconds, the words, "HA HA, MADE YOU GET UP!" appear. Then: "OH LIGHTEN UP." Then: "SERIOUSLY, NO INTERMISSION, ROLL THE CONVENTION BIT." The old-style film countdown begins, and at 2-)
INT. A HOTEL BALLROOM.
(The room is filled with people in chairs, except for the raised platform in the front with the table and microphones. The background crowd noise goes silent when-)
M.C.: Okay, may I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you. And now, without further ado, I present the man you've all been waiting for, the genius behind the animation, and the key-note speaker at Daria-Con '99, Glen Eichler!
(Glen Eichler from earlier comes in from the right to polite applause from the Daria fans in attendance.)
GLEN: Thank you very much. Well, like everyone else here, and probably most of the MTV programming directors, I have been caught somewhat off-guard by the success of this show. To think that the caustic, cynical girl that I originally created just to fill a quota on Beavis and Butthead could-
VOICE FROM THE CROWD: Get to the Q & A!!
GLEN: (Put off for a second, then recovers.) Okay, I guess if that's what everyone's here for, let's open up the floor. (Points into the crowd.) You there, what's your question?
GIRL #1: Yeah, uh, hi, I'm like a totally big fan of the show? And like, I was wondering...are Daria and Trent ever gonna hook up?
(Half the audience giggles.)
GLEN: (Chuckles.) Well, I'd hate to give anything away, but-
GIRL #1: (Sudden hostility.) You're stallllllling! I got ten bucks on this!
GLEN: Well, we haven't written it into the show yet-
GIRL #1: PLEASE say they hook up! Pleasepleaseplease!! Trent is like SO dreamy, how could you NOT just DIE for him?!
(Shouts of agreement from the girls in the audience.)
GLEN: It's not really #1 priority here, you'll see...um...sometime in the fourth season. Next question...(Points.) you!
GUY #1: Hi, I'm-
GIRL #1: COP-OUT!!
GUY #1: Uh...I'm Greg, anyway, when are you and all the guys gonna fix the hands on the clock?
GLEN: Uh, beg pardon?
GREG: You know, the hands on the kitchen clock, man! (Makes wild gestures to illustrate his point.) They're on, they're off, they're on, they're off, then they're on, and then they're off again! I mean, what's the deal, man?!
GLEN: Well, I'm sure that's just an animation error, we'll try to get that fixed.
GREG: (Haughty.) See that you do! I tell ya, it just throws the whole thing off for me.
GLEN: Uh, right. Next question...how about you in the cape?
GIRL #2: (Wearing black cape and looking all-around gothy.) Right, I was wondering about all the appearances of the number ten in your show?
GLEN: The number ten?
GIRL #2: Yes, ten, the number of the damned. The front walk on Daria's house, it has ten stones, her boots have ten eyelets on each side, Mr. O'Neill's diagrams always have ten interconnected bubbles, Kevin's football number is 19, one and nine add up to ten. The name Daria M. Lane, which would be Daria's name if she married Trent, which she most certainly will-
GIRL #1: YEAH!
GIRL #2: -has ten letters in it. Janet Barch also has ten letters, as does A. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett. Brittany has four eyelashes on each eye, add her two eyebrows, and you get what? Ten. In "Speedtrapped", Daria has to drive 100 miles to Fremont, 100 is ten times ten. And, I might add, that was episode three-ten. It all means something. Is it not, a foretelling of the Ten Plagues that mark the End of the World?
GLEN: (Speechless for about five seconds, then-) Uh...yeah. You hit the nail right on the head, we award attentive viewing on this show, certainlyuhcanwemoveonnow?!
GUY #2: (Wearing a tie-dye shirt and a jester's hat.) Uh, yeah, heyhowsitgoin? Anyway, how did you plan the "Skeletons From The Closet" thing?
GLEN: The what?
GUY #2: It's all over the internet, man. If you play the Grateful Dead album "Skeletons From The Closet" while watching "Pierce Me" with the sound down, it like totally matches. Was that hard to get that, like, syncopation?
GLEN: I...have never heard of that.
GUY #2: You gotta start it right at the end of the theme song. I was just hangin' one day, and I had the TV on, and the Dead on the CD player, and I was like, woah! Nearly dropped my joint, man.
GLEN: Next question!
GUY #2: Think I did some toad-lickin' that day, too. Or was that this morning?
GLEN: YOU, WITH THE RED HAIR!
GUY #3: Hi, Glen! I was just wondering, is Daria available?
GUY #3: You know, if she has some time after filming, maybe you could hook us up? She may not be, like, Sarah Michelle Gellar, but looks aren't that important to me! (Addresses crowd.) Yeah, I'm a weirdo, I judge people by their personalities, you heard me!!
GLEN: Daria's, um, personal life is not my business! Next question?
GIRL #4: Uh, hi, uh, (giggles) uh, we wanted to know, uh, you know, boxersorbriefs?
GLEN: No more questions! (Stands up, begins to back away.) I have a busy schedule, uh, good night, keep watching ths show, uh, yeah! (Leaves the podium hastily.)
(The crowd boos.)
GIRL #4: NO COPPING OUT! BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
GIRL #5: YEAH, BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
CROWD: (Chanting.) BOXERS OR BRIEFS! BOXERS OR BRIEFS! BOXERS OR BRIEFS!
INT. BUTTHEAD'S LIVING ROOM.
(The "Boxers or Briefs" chant is audible from the TV. Beavis and Butthead are watching on looking mostly oblivious, as usual.)
BEAVIS: I wonder what Diarrhea is doing right now, heh heh.
BEAVIS: Oh I dunno. Heh heh m heh heh. I, like, haven't seen her in a while.
BUTTHEAD: Uhhhh...me neither. Uh huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: I'll be damned. Heh heh m heh heh.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah. Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh. (Clicks the button on the remote.)
(FBI Agents Trent and Daria are on the screen again.)
TRENT: You can't quit, I need you for my investigations, I can't go it alone.
DARIA: You really can't?
TRENT: No. You...complete me.
DARIA: We complete each other.
TRENT: (Beat.) Yeah.
(They begin the gaze again, this time, Daria is suddenly hit on the head with the boom microhone.)
DARIA: OW! Watch it!
(Camera swivels around to just offstage, Kevin is operating the boom.)
KEVIN: Oh! Sorry 'bout that! (Swings it slightly to get it out of the way, when he does, we hear a thump and-)
TRENT: (Offscreen.) OW!
GLEN: (Also offscreen.) CUT!!
EXTREME CLOSE-UP: UPCHUCK'S LIPS.
UPCHUCK: Tonight on the Ten Spot, Fanatic with Siouxsie!
(Siouxsie is sitting on the left side of a couch, Andrea is sitting on the right side. Andrea is looking at Siouxsie with her usual lack of expression, then suddenly-)
ANDREA: AAAAHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M IN THE SAME ROOM AS SIOUXSIE! AAAAHHHH!!! (Gets down on her knees in front of Siouxsie.) I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M NOT WORTHY!!!
UPCHUCK: Followed by Loveline at eleven.
INT.: THE LOVELINE SET.
(The words "On the phone: QUINN, Lawndale." are on the bottom of the screen)
QUINN: (Phone V.O.) Uh yeah, so like this guy asked me to the dance, and we went there, and I was just having a good time talking with people and he got me a soda and everything, and things were just fine. But then, he started...well...he started trying to...you know...(Low voice.) dance with me.
(Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla exchange confused glances.)
UPCHUCK: But right now, stay tuned for red hot underage vixens...behind bars! Rowr!
INT. PRISON HALLWAY.
(MUSIC: "Night Goat", Melvins, guitar intro.)
(The Fashion Club, in their prison outfits from before, are striding purposefully down the hall flanked by guards. Sandi is in front, Quinn and Tiffany behind, and Stacey in back.)
INT. MS. LI'S OFFICE.
(Ms. Li is standing behind her desk, straightening out a framed photo on the wall of herself standing with Newt Gingrich.)
SECRETARY: (Through intercom.) The so-called "Fashion Four" is here to see you, Ms. Li.
MS. LI: (Turns around, presses button.) Send them in.
(Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany and Stacey enter, and take up positions in front of Ms. Li's desk, in the same hierarchical order as in the hall.)
MS. LI: Now! I'm sure you know why you're here.
SANDI: Yes, we most certainly do. We are here on a mission.
TIFFANY: A mission of glory.
MS. LI: Sure, if that's what you want to call it, the point is that you have refused all of our meals today!
SANDI: That is right. We are going on a hunger strike!
MS. LI: (Unimpressed.) Really?
SANDI: We are tired of the high fat content in the slop that we are served. We may be prisoners, but that does not mean that we can be fattened up like lambs being led to the slaughter house!
TIFFANY: Totally eeewww.
MS. LI: So that's it, then. (Mockingly.) You're worried about your poor girlish figures?
SANDI: All we want is the proper nutritionary needs to fulfill our future pursuits.
MS. LI: So you're starving yourselves for the right to starve yourselves?
SANDI: (Beat.) Yes.
MS. LI: (Speechless for a moment, then-) Well then! The answer is no. We will not cave in to your demands, what do you have to say to that?
SANDI: This is not over, Ms. Li. Come on, lets go.
STACY: Yeah, lets get out of here! And swing by the mess hall, I'm kinda hungry.
SANDI: (Glares at Stacey.)
INT.: PRISON HALLWAY:
(A guard throws a switch to unlock the cell doors, then starts walking down the aisle, other guards are nearby.)
GUARD: Supper time, people, come and get it!!
(The Fashion Club walks in from the right, follow them as they go down the hall.)
SANDI: Come on, girls, lets go back to our cells, unless Stacy wants to go and gorge herself.
(Stop following, Fashion Club exits to the left, we see Daria and Jane in a cell.)
INT.: DARIA AND JANE'S CELL.
(Jane is doing curls with a small dumbbell, Daria is on her bed.)
DARIA: Uh, wait a minute. Why are we here again?
JANE: You remember, we're young and impudent, the adults don't like that, they throw us in here.
DARIA: I know that, but....weren't we out at one time?
JANE: Maybe. It's so hard to remember.
DARIA: Yeah, we ran across that field, did that Hard Day's Night thing.
JANE: I seem to remember being in a car at one point.
DARIA: Yeah. Weird.
(They exit their cells.)
INT.: PRISON HALLWAY.
(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall, Jodie suddenly passes by in her anchorwoman suit.)
DARIA: Jodie? Wait...Jane, was that Jodie?
JANE: I think it was.
DARIA: This is getting scary.
(Suddenly Upchuck appears with dreadlocks and a Hawaiian shirt.)
UPCHUCK: Hey, irie, lovely ladies!
DARIA: AAAAHH! (She turns and bolts in the other direction.)
(MUSIC: "Night Goat", Melvins, instrumental break.)
(Daria dashes down the hallway, the guards begin chasing her.)
EXT. PRISON WALL, NIGHT.
(Daria is seen climbing over the top, dropping down the height of the wall, and sliding down the steep incline on the other side. With a splash, she hits the water at the bottom. There follows several shots of her twisting and turning in the water, then swimming frantically for the surface. She finally emerges, panting and heaving. Rapid zoom out to reveal the water cooler from the very beginning.)
WOMAN: (Looking in the water cooler.) Ewwww! There's like a bug in the water! I'm not drinking this!
MAN #1: Oh come on, it's just a little bug at the top!
WOMAN: I don't care, it's gross, let's go have our water-cooler discussion elsewhere!
MAN #2: Copy machine?
WOMAN: (Beat.) Yeah, that sounds good.
(They exit. After about five seconds, the water bubbles once.)
(MUSIC: Hidden track from "Yield", Pearl Jam.)
(The words "#10 DREAM" appear on the screen, followed by "A REY FOX PRODUCTION.", followed by the usual Daria credits. After the MTV Animations logo scrolls by-)
CLOSE-UP: PHOTO OF WATER COOLER.
(Zoom out to reveal the photo as one of the contents of a file being read by Daria the FBI Agent. She closes it and puts it back in the cabinet.)
TRENT: So, you done for the day?
DARIA: Almost. Lane, could you come here a second?
(He walks up to Daria. Daria suddenly leaps onto Trent, wraps her arms and legs around him and deep-kisses him. Trent puts one arm around Daria and kisses her back passionately, while the other hand reaches down to his holster, grabs his gun, and fires directly into the camera. Screen goes black for the last time.)
First off, the "The same thing goes for Guy Fawkes Day" line is paraphrased from Mike Nesmith's "The same thing goes for Christmas" line in a similar scene in the movie "Head", which was pretty much the main inspiration for this fanfic. If you've never seen "Head", go check it out, and don't be turned off by the fact that it stars the Monkees. These are not the teeny-bopper Monkees you're familiar with.
I haven't actually seen The Blair Witch Project yet, but I couldn't wait to write the "Lawndale Witch" scene, so I just used what little I know about the movie and ran with it.
Spike and Brian really are two morning DJs in Boise, Idaho. Boise also used to have a station called EZ-103.
The numerous occurrences of "Number 10" were, for the most part, made up. There's no real significance. It's just a fanfic, you should really just relax, or maybe read up about the numerous occurrences of the number nine in John Lennon's life, which inspired him to title one of his songs "#9 Dream."
Please send all questions, comments, egg, bacon, sausage, and spam to email@example.com. Pleasant dreams.